we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2015

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Twelvethie Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl

this movie makes me so mad cause it tries so hard to be cool and its the furthest thing from coeol, but it’s the closet thing to sucking poop from an ass

_

Most Entenmann’staining
Film of the Year

The Danish Girl

which was sadly NOT about danishes

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The 6th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

I still don’t get the deal that is

Rooney Mara

(who looks exactly like Disney’s Ichabod Crane)

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 

Alicia Vikander

who had 7 flix released in 2015!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

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Hairing Is Caring

Paul Giamatti as two different assholes
with two different asshole wigs

runner up – the wigs of The Big Short

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Nice Piece of Glass

Iris Apfel’s and her
endless collection of glasses

_

Cry Me A Rivers

Melissa does mom Joan proud in Joy

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Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

these bobs are muy deniro!

_ 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

we wants 2eat Courtney Eaton
2 the max

 & 

she’s fast AND she’s furious

 & 

Anne Hathaway’s sweater puppies
in The Intern

&

I’d follows Maika Monroe anywhere

+

Spectrefapping

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

Johnny Depp’s scary ass
depp blue eyes!!!!

 in Black Mass

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Würstest Date Movie of 2014

Son of Saul

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Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Raffey Cassidy

&

Evan Bird

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Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

The John Hughes Driving Tour I Sorta Invented!

Han Solo Hands Things to Rey

GENE HACKMAN AS DOC BROWN??????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carrie Fisher’s adorable daughter Billie Lourd

THAT GUY is married to a 4 time Academy Award winning costume designer!!!!!

Buddy Ebsen was going to play the Tin Man in the 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz

Major League cards by Topps

THERE WERE FEMALE PILOTS IN RETURN OF THE JEDI!!!

a street called Lois Lane

Margot Kidder is SuperFLY!!!!!!!!

 

Woody Allen toots

Happy 99th Birthday Olivia de Havilland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Two Women With The Ass Crack Dress

The Kid from Left Field

two VHS tape covers/posters that made me wish I didn’t have eyes as a kid, and STILL creep me out to this very day

The Story of Star Wars 8-track

Funko’s ReAction action figures!!!

+

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Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates

NWA’s greatest hits

‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ (Violin version) from COBAIN: Montage of Heck

‘You Could’ve Been A Lady’ by Hot Chocolate from Mistress Ameirca

Ellie Goulding – ‘Love Me Like You Do’

the Carol Sountrack

the Joy soundtrack

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Lady In The Van / Under Milk Wood / 90 Minutes in Heaven / The Duff / Inside Out / The Longest Ride / Trumbo / The Big Short / Run All Night / Boonie Bears: Mystical Winter / Steve Jobs

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Doodles Weaver

& Man Mountain Dean

& Steele Stebbins 

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Movies To Look For In The ‘016

Bridge of Thighs

Uranus Descending 

The Woman from A.U.N.T.

Untitled Unfunny Judd Apatow Movie

Breasts of Some Nation

Terminator Levitycus

Magic Mike XS

33 Jump Street: Generations

15 Fast, 15 Furious

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In Memoriam

Spock

Dracula/Scaramanga/Lord Summerisle/Saruman/Count Sudoku

Omar Sharif

Wes

 

Albert Maysles

 

The Other Dick Van + Jerry’s Wife/Ben’s Mom/Anne Meara + THE John Steed + Jason Voorhees’ mom + Stand By Me‘s Milo Pressman

Fagin

Leatherface & Maureen O’Hara

that suave-ass French actor who was in Octopussy

One Crazy Negron
& Rod Taylor and Ekberg

+ the guy who designed this

Dean Jones & Dickie Moore
& Jean Darling

Cindy Mancini

That Woman From Every 80s/90s Movie

Uggie

&

Mister Deltoid

_

don’t forget to peep out our ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Carol
Shopgirl Meets World
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 118 min

Love me some Todd Haynes.  Love how he can make a movie look like an Edward Hopper painting.  He obviously tries to do that time and time again, and I applaud him, and he’s so good at doing it, and cause Edward Hopper is my favorite artist ever, and he should be yours too.  The thing that makes Edward Hopper’s paintings so incredible, and unforgettable – is the sense of quiet, loneliness, and emptiness.  Unfortunately, for Haynes’ latest – Carol – it feels a lot too empty

Carol is based on the The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith.  Highsmith is no stranger to Hollywood – having many of her works adapted for the big screen – and with great artistic and cinematic success – notably Hitchcock’s Strangers On A Train (one of my all time favs) and Anthony Minghella’s The Talented Mr. Ripley (one of the late 90s best movies).  Most of her books deal with homosexuality, either overtly, or subtly.  I wouldn’t know for sure, since I don’t know how to read, but take my word for it – she loves the gay stuff

Carol is about two women – one young and naive, and the other older, jaded and about to be divorced – and how they cross paths and hearts, and touch boobs.  The younger one is Rooney Mara, and the elder one is Cate Blanchett.  Blanchett does her thing – that elegant socialite thing I feel like she can do in her sleep.  She’s kinda like the woman she was in that Woody Allen movie, but maybe a little more together, and a lot more 1950s looking.  Mara does her Rooney thing, which is to stare blankly into space with those cold blue eyes, and make those Disney’s Ichabod Crane faces she makes (and looks exactly like in general)

I don’t get Rooney Mara.  I mean, she knows how to act (they don’t show her flubbing her lines), but I don’t get her.  She’s not really that attractive (not important, but kinda is – these are women we talking about), or even all that amazing of an actress.  I wonder what her sister Kate thinks.  She’s like – step off b!tch – I’ve been acting since 1997, and you, only since 2005, and you got an Oscar nom, and I got to be in that Fantastic Four remake no one saw.  Well, in Carol, Rooney’s like the main character, and she’s mainly blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and blank and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  The movie kinda is too.  IT ALL LOOKS SOOOO FCUKING AMAZING (to look at), but feels very empty, too empty, so empty, empty like a pocket – like the emptiest empty of all time. There are screen emotions going on – and we want these two ladies to make it work – but the emotions are left onscreen, and never transferred themselves to me.  You want a love story that will tear you apart?  Watch Love Story.  If you want a bore story, watch Carol

If only Carol were a painting, and hung in a museum – where it belongs – then it would be a masterpiece.  As a movie – it’s an Edward Hopper painting that’s not much of a movie – a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZsterpiece

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Carol leZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZies it up in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Ain’t Them Bodies Saints
Ain’t Them Saints Snoozy – THEY IS!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
Not Rated | 105 min

One of my least favorite performances of the past six years was Casey Affleck being the coward in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, a movie that was 17 hours long, and 77 hours boring.  It didn’t help matters that the flick had the pacing of a snail trapped in a sea of molasses, and that Casey Affleck was doing most of the boring cause he is boring.  He played a shy, quiet guy, who, when talked, mumbled in a twang that made us wished that ears AND cinema were never invented, but we didn’t even have to worry or care about such things cause we fells asleep not caring

Well, IF YOU LOVED CASEY AFFLECK’S KENTUCKY FRIED ACCENT IN THE BORING OF JESSE JAMES BY THE BORING COWARD BORING FORD then you might juss dig David Lowery‘s beautiful but zzzzzzzz-inducing Ain’t Them Bodies Saints, which is like that movie if it met Badlands and Bonny & Clyde and any other movie where a couple are outlaws and do stuff in the countryside with amazing cinematography!!  

Casey’s partner in love is Rooney Mara.  Them two did some robbing.  They got caught.  She shot cop Ben Foster.  He went to jail, she didn’t.  She had a baby while he’s in jail.  He wants to see his baby and his baby’s mommmma so he done does breaks out.  Ben Foster has eyes for Rooney.  Hopefully Casey will get back home before Ben Foster puts his mitts all over her, even though he has zero clue that he even has mitts.  This feels like 3929929239 other movies we’ve seen before, but I can’t really think of one to compare it to, cause I don’t feel like thinking much more about it cause I juss fell asleep re-thinking any thoughts I had on this snoozy-q movie

Oh, and Keith Carradine was in this movie and he was good and stuff!  That’zzzzzzzzzzzzzz all folks!

Verdictgo: low low low low low end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bodies is cold tomorrow in limited release, and on-demand a week later

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Side Effects
Moody Mara
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 106 min

Steven Nerderbergh‘s oeuvre is filled with so many hits AND misses, although it seems like there’s more misses than hits, and yet everyone seems to love all of his movies regardless of what we think.  For every killah Bubble or Informant there’s those Ocean 911 garbages or flix that seem like they’d be super dope but really are snooze-fest drecks, like The Whore Experiment or Che Parts 1 thru 289932919392 

Apparently Nerdy’s retiring.  Yeah, I believe that about as much as I believe that REM’s done for good, but if Side Effects is his ‘swan song’, well, then, I don’t know what it really says as a departing shot, but as a movie independent of Nerderbergh’s ‘closure’, Side Effects is a thriller that simply thrills.  There are surprises around some corners, and the corners that aren’t surprising are corners still worth turning!

So what exactly happens?  WON’T TELL, but Rooney Mara gets moody and confusing (probably cause she’s not hot people!!!), and Jude Law tries to help her, but is he hurting her or himself????  WHAT WHAT WHAT!!?!??!?!  And like Channing Tatum is Marion Crane, KINDA, sorta, MAYBE, ok NO TELLING, but he doesn’t overly Tatum his Channings in this one.  And then Catherine Zeta-Jones pops in and out and keeps pushing…

Ablixa

Ablixa

Ablixa

Ablixa

Ablixa

Ablixa

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Side Effects affects at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
No Slander On This Salander!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 158 min

The wait is over kids.  David Fincher‘s English language (wouldn’t dare call it ‘American’, cause it’s not whatsoever) version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is no longer juss the kick ass teaser/trailer/music video of the year, it is now a movie that has to be able to deliver the goods. And?  It does indeed deliver them goods, mad good… as much as Stieg Larsson‘s story will let it/him.  What does that mean?  Well, if you know the story (and if you don’t, what planet are you from, UrineAnus?), you know it pulsatinglyly builds and builds and builds, and then goes BOOM, and then it kinda whimpers for another 30 minutes after the boom, as it re-focuses on the original task at hand, which is no longer as interesting as the sidetracked task just handled.  OK, that’s about as much bitching as we’re capable of making, cause otherwise Fincher hands in an A paper on celluloid digital projection

The Social Network gave Finchy the worldwide love & attention he deserved, but a 1s & 0s subject matter like that was well beneath his skill & artistry.  Anyone could have directed Aaron Sorkin’s script to greatness, even Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  Anywho, Fincher is back in the territory where he belongs and we want him to stay – making flicks where people are murdered and other people try to solve those murders.  He brings his Zodiac (you know, that movie that’s one of the greatest movies ever) preciseness & pacing and applies it to the frigid and cruel Swedish world that sweeties Mikael Blomkvist & Lisbeth Salander do their investigationining thing in

So how does this new one stack up against the very very solid original flick?  It kinda bests it in every way possible, even if the original didn’t really need besting in the first place.  Still, better Fincher do it than say Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  We gets Christopher Plummer sounding all von Sydow-y! Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd loving Enya! Steven Berkoff hating Axel Foley! Robin Wright penning! Joely Richardson holy richardsons! Goran Visnjic with visnjacrazywitz hair! and Julian Sands juss being Aryan handsome!!!!!!  And nothing against Michael Nyqvist & Noomi Rapace, but Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara do Mik & Lis a lick better, mainly cause it’s a bit more believable and much more watchable to see Dan & Roo get bizzy than Nyquil & Noo.  Rooney’s performance as Lisbeth in particular is fracking spectacular, but don’t make us choose Lisbeths, cause there’s room for two Lisbeth performances in this world, like there was for Truman Capote.  Sadly, Toby Jones got hosed in that race, just like Rapace got zilch for being totes THE girl with the dragon tatts.  Guess what we’re saying is, why not give Rooney the Oscar.  We’d like to see Streep sport white eyebrows and get plowed by a fat dude while handcuffed (point of clarification – we are not hactually asking to see that, we juss making the point that Rooney as Lisbeth is a brave brave performance that Meryl Streep might hactually be incapable of braving, or something to that DAS EFX)

moral of the story – it’s no Zodiac, but it’s a David Fincher film, and people should see David Fincher films, cause every other film isn’t a David Fincher film

Swede Jesus!!:  Harriet Vagner haunts her uncle’s life, and now our dreams, in a good way, cause she’s so dreamy!!!  and she is

Moa Garpendal

and how about her cousin Anita, aka

Mathilda von Essen

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tattoo you at a theater near Jews on December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…