we somehow cobbled together the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2014

and now, for the only awards that matter…

hELlEVENth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

(aka – somehow a movie with a naked ScarJo ScarBLOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Under The Skin

dishonrable trash mentions that can hump my poo

Mockinglame Part 1 / Monuments Men / Chef

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Cheesiest Fun Stinky Cheese
of The Year

the Jerseyness of Jersey Boys

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Most Thighnamic Duo of The Year

Jean Pierre Napoleon (Ty Burrell) & Sam the Eagle

in Muppets Most Wanted

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The 5th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

it goes without saying, but…

Sucks Muckfarlame

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 

Wendi McLendon-Covey

who had 8 flix released in 2014!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

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Hairing Is Caring

whatever was going on with Mark Ruffalo’s balding and bearding in Foxcatcher

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Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

girls in the bobbedhood!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Katherine Waterston is our vice [NSFW]

 & 

this poster/Eva Green’s boobs

+

Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s super hot son Jack

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

Jake Gynnhahhanahalllahal!!!!

 in Nightcrawler

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Word I Still Can’t Pronounce

Maleficent

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Face Timeless

this dude

from Under The Skin

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Juss Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!

the only bitched @ swirth that matters, AGAIN!!!!!!!

ALT BTTF MCFLY SIBLING PICS!!

NAMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lady in the Columbia Pictures logo!!!!!!!!!

this guy painted these!!

36 Actors Hanging Out With Their Body Doubles

a more cartoony Snow White

Celluloid Paper Dolls

that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

meeting the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

Ryan Gage’s Hobbit unibrow

Problem Children reunion

Goonies Never Stay Dead

Albert Finney shaves 2 become Daddy Warbucks

on the set & behind the scenes with Vivian Kubrick

Paul becoming Pee Wee

and Paging Mr Herman

DICK POOP!!!!!!!!

+

a spoiler on a spoiler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As A Normal Mailman

‘Big Eyes’ from the movie of the same name

The Double soundtrack

the theme from Interstellar

+

(more like MINUS)

the song that makes me wish I didn’t have ears

‘Hanging Tree’

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Nut Job / Fiston / How to Train Your Dragon 2 / Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie / Get On Up / Step Up: All In / Bang Bang!

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Chubby Johnson 

& Jet Jurgensmeyer 

& Gyp Decarlo 

& Googie Withers

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Movies To Look For In The ‘015

The Fault In Our Czars

 The Bok Choy Luck Club

14 Years A Slave

14 Fast, 14 Furious

_

In Memoriam

ROBIN FCUKING WILLIAMS :(

+

Taylor Negrone & Rod Taylor & La Dolce Vita fountainhead

Bacall

Luise Rainer & Ed Herrmann

Welcome to Jurassic Park

Elizabeth Peña

Mike Nichols

Bob Hoskins

the 7-Up guy

Maya & Giger & Gordon Willis

Tuco & Ruby Dee & Paul Mazursky & the dude from Raiders with the scimitar

Kiel!! Kiel!!! Kiel!!!!

+

Jan

&

Dim

& 

THE ANCIENT BOOER!!!!

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don’t forget to peep out our ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Morning Glory
Broadcast Snooze?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Rachel McAdams is überly-cheery, Harrison Ford is overly disgruntled, Diane Keaton is lusciously loopy, Jeff Goldblum is really tall and talks like a pompous jackass, and Patrick Wilson is the WASPyiest looking dude that all women want to bang.  Welcome to Morning Glory, where those actors do those things (don’t they always?), under one movie, for which it stands, and it’s like watching Broadcast News meets Working Girl meets a common denominator lower than the lowest common denominator.  Sorry, were you expecting something more?  We weren’t, and thus it met our expectations!!!  Great!!  Not really.  Awful!!!  Not really!!!  Perfectly mediocre nonsense that one day will make for quality afternoon HBO watching?  Egggggzactly!!  So after this & Definitely Maybe, what’s the next Oasis album title turned movie?  A buddy cop dramedy starring David Keith & Keith David called Standing on the Shoulder of Giants???? Why not?!?!?!!

Unwelcome Matt: there’s juss something crazily creepy about actor Matt Malloy that we can never get over and keeps us from ever fully enjoying his work as an actor.  probably stems from his assholedry alongside Aaron Eckhart in Labute’s In The Company of Men.  come to think of it, it’s hard to like Eckhart in anything either cause of Men

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Morning Glory rises and slimes at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

and oh, fellas, if you get dragged to this,
you at least get a piece of this!!!!!

Fair Game
Plame Duck Hunt
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Remember that whole Valerie Plame affair?  That was so 2003!!  Well, if you 5got:  the Plamester was that superfly CIA agent who was outted by her own government as payback against her rebel rousing hubby Joe Wilson, who dared to speak out against the Bush administration’s dubious claims of weapons of mass destruction existing in Iraq, which we all know was the pre-text for going to war.  So what is the Doug Liman directed, Butterworth Bros scripted (based on the books by Val & Joe) flick all about?  The above description, but with a slightly deeper look at how it affected their careers, marriage and home-life!!!  Can you imagine?  You want to do nuttin but help yer country, and when you try to help it in the best possible way, the country takes a giant dump on you and then you can’t even help yerself!!!!  AND then you have to take care of your kids by like feeding them and taking them to playgrounds, and STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

A brave, but quiet Naomi Watts (originally slated to be Nicole Kidman) and an irated potato-head Sean Penn shine in the juicy lead roles (it’s like a less depressing/nude 21 Grams reunion!). They’re surrounded by bunch of quality actors doing fine in nothingish roles, like Sam Shepard, Bruce McGill, Brooke Smith, Ty Burrell and Noah Emmerich, and everything else is fair enuff to be totally watchable.  Yet, truth be told, we actually prefer the fictionalized version of the same events, from a different angle, done up with more drama and intrigue in 2008’s little seen Nothing But The Truth. In Truth, Kate Beckinsale plays a Judith Millerish character who refuses to divulge her source who was the leaky cauldron in a Plame-like outting (Vera Farmiga), and paid the price for doing so by going to jail.  Both films accomplish the same goal, bringing delicate real-life situations of fighting the power to light in a moist entertaining way, and lets its viewers walk away questioning and distrusting all the President’s men.  You go girls!!!!

Platts!!!: Plame & Watts, instant hottie besties!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fair is Game enuff this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…