we somehow cobbled together the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2014

and now, for the only awards that matter…

hELlEVENth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

(aka – somehow a movie with a naked ScarJo ScarBLOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Under The Skin

dishonrable trash mentions that can hump my poo

Mockinglame Part 1 / Monuments Men / Chef

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Cheesiest Fun Stinky Cheese
of The Year

the Jerseyness of Jersey Boys

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Most Thighnamic Duo of The Year

Jean Pierre Napoleon (Ty Burrell) & Sam the Eagle

in Muppets Most Wanted

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The 5th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

it goes without saying, but…

Sucks Muckfarlame

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 

Wendi McLendon-Covey

who had 8 flix released in 2014!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

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Hairing Is Caring

whatever was going on with Mark Ruffalo’s balding and bearding in Foxcatcher

_

Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

girls in the bobbedhood!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Katherine Waterston is our vice [NSFW]

 & 

this poster/Eva Green’s boobs

+

Val Kilmer & Joanne Whalley’s super hot son Jack

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

Jake Gynnhahhanahalllahal!!!!

 in Nightcrawler

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Word I Still Can’t Pronounce

Maleficent

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Face Timeless

this dude

from Under The Skin

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Juss Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!

the only bitched @ swirth that matters, AGAIN!!!!!!!

ALT BTTF MCFLY SIBLING PICS!!

NAMEHEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lady in the Columbia Pictures logo!!!!!!!!!

this guy painted these!!

36 Actors Hanging Out With Their Body Doubles

a more cartoony Snow White

Celluloid Paper Dolls

that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

meeting the new Star Wars VII cast, and what we guess will be their roles…

Ryan Gage’s Hobbit unibrow

Problem Children reunion

Goonies Never Stay Dead

Albert Finney shaves 2 become Daddy Warbucks

on the set & behind the scenes with Vivian Kubrick

Paul becoming Pee Wee

and Paging Mr Herman

DICK POOP!!!!!!!!

+

a spoiler on a spoiler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As A Normal Mailman

‘Big Eyes’ from the movie of the same name

The Double soundtrack

the theme from Interstellar

+

(more like MINUS)

the song that makes me wish I didn’t have ears

‘Hanging Tree’

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Nut Job / Fiston / How to Train Your Dragon 2 / Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie / Get On Up / Step Up: All In / Bang Bang!

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Chubby Johnson 

& Jet Jurgensmeyer 

& Gyp Decarlo 

& Googie Withers

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Movies To Look For In The ‘015

The Fault In Our Czars

 The Bok Choy Luck Club

14 Years A Slave

14 Fast, 14 Furious

_

In Memoriam

ROBIN FCUKING WILLIAMS :(

+

Taylor Negrone & Rod Taylor & La Dolce Vita fountainhead

Bacall

Luise Rainer & Ed Herrmann

Welcome to Jurassic Park

Elizabeth Peña

Mike Nichols

Bob Hoskins

the 7-Up guy

Maya & Giger & Gordon Willis

Tuco & Ruby Dee & Paul Mazursky & the dude from Raiders with the scimitar

Kiel!! Kiel!!! Kiel!!!!

+

Jan

&

Dim

& 

THE ANCIENT BOOER!!!!

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don’t forget to peep out our ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Under The Skin
Alien Ant Smarm
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 108 min

And the biggest piece of cinema sh!t of 2014 is Jonathan Glazer‘s Under The Skin.  MORE LIKE BLUNDER THE SKIN!!!   MORE LIKE UNWATCHABLE GARBAGE PACKAGED AS A MOVIE OF NOTHING!!!

OK, so there are some things, like seeing Scarlett Johansson‘s glorious curves, MULTIPLE TIMES [NSFW], but that’s about 8 minutes of glory, and 100 minutes of bore-y.  If it was 108 minutes of Scarlett’s boobs, then it’s a masterpiece, but it’s not, and everything else we’re shown is a crapsterpiece of sh!t

So why is this movie such a bucket of turds, showered in urine?  Oh, cause I said so.  Take my word for it, and don’t see this.  Unless you want to see nothing, with annoying music, and about 70 minutes of watching ScarHo driving a van and picking up random dudes and then taking them to some like abandoned house or something, and then get nekkid, and then the men get nekkid too and as they walk toward her, they like drown in a black pool of nothingness (THIS MOVIE IS A BLACK POOL OF NOTHINGNESS) or something, and then she goes out and gets in that van and does the same stuff all over again with some other unlucky blokes about town.  IS YOUR MIND BLOWN YET?  More like THIS BLOWS!!!!!  Eventually the cycle of man-trapping/drowning stops, and then JohanLett like runs in the forest, and then a lumberjack tries to have his way with her, but she can no longer deal and then she like throws her human skin away, and reveals that’s she’s a blackpool of nothingness of a being.  And STUFF!!!!  Oh, and there’s a guy on a motorcycle who like helps her or something, and I don’t give a flying fcuk

Intrigued?  Don’t be.  The trailer was fcuking awesome.  Pretend the movie is the trailer, and then move on with your life

OK, ok, so I will admit that Scarlett is awesome in this movie.  Probably her best work of this century that didn’t involve Woody Allen or juss her voice as Her.  But juss cause she’s awesome, and shows her boobs, which is REALLY awesome, does not eggcuse the rest of the movie that’s literally about as enjoyable as getting an MRI

OK, ok, so there’s one more aspect to the film that I liked.  In the movie, one of her mantrap-ees is a dude with Neurofibromatosis. Their interaction is equally as tender, as it is frightening.  And after not so much research, very real.  The dude with the messed-up face is 111111%real, and his name is Adam Pearson.  Kudos for being real.  Boo-dos to all the rest, which makes Upstream Color seem about as straightforward as an Air Bud movie

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Skin is un-deep in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…