we pricked the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2013

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Judi Den10th Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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The Death To Smoochy Würstest Picture AND The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Pig Sh!t Film of the Year!!!!!

Upstream Color

dishonrable mentions for these movies for also sucking a$$ and making me really angry that they eggist

This Is The End & Don Jon & The Book Thief & The Bling Ring & Gangster Squad & I’m So Excited & Katsnooze II

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Batsh!ttiest Un-Sh!tty Crazy/Beautiful Performances of The Year

Leo & Cate

in Wolf & Jasmine

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The 4th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

Jay Baruchel

we get it, you’re scrawny, Canadian and have a dumb voice.  now go away and take Seth Rogen with you

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Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Jackson Nicoll / Joey King

and the würst

Nico Liersch

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The Samuel L Jackson Never Met A Script He Didn’t Like Guy of The Year

 

James Franco

who had 8+ flix released in 2013!!

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Gifs of the Gawds

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Hairing Is Caring

Cumberbatch’s Assange hair

tied for 2nd – everyone’s Hustle hair

tied for 3rd – the MUST-staches of Dallas Buyers Club

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Würstest Date Movie of 2013

12 Years A Snooze

alternatively…

würstest Dates IN a movie

any of the ones involving humans in Her

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Bob’s Big Girls – The Bobbies!

anything & everything in Gatsby +8 other winners!

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

anything Vanessa Hudgens is doing in Spring Breakers

Margot Robbie makes us howl in Wolf [NSFW]

anything in Blue Is The Warmest Color (although we didn’t see it) [NSFW]

Lindsay Lohan’s cannons in The Canyons [NSFW]

Rosario Dawson puts us in a JO Trance [NSFW]

the revealing photos of Bettie Page in Bettie Page Reveals All [NSFW]

& 

Leo’s butt candle

and the leastest…

her and his in the dark orgasms in Her

+

the sexification of Amy Adams in Hustle

juss stop it.  she’s too nice to be sexy

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Mish-Mash-Up of The Year

Oz Breakers by ME!!!

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Justine Lupe!!!!

 in Frances Ha

runner-up - Blanca Suárez

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Most Ablixaiest Ablixa

Ablixa in Side Effects

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Face Timeless

Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman‘s face

seen in The Armstrong Lie

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Josh Baskin’ In These Sunny Miscellaneous Missile Missives That Are Da Bomb Shiz!

the only bitched @ swirth that matters!!!!!!!

AMC’s POOFY COMFY LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS AT THE MOVIES!!!!!! 

the Her his line

the VFX of Gatsby

 Kellan Lutz IS orc Bolg

JD Salinger’s son was in Revenge of The Nerds!

David Cross has played both Allen Ginsburg AND his father

THOSE CRAZY SEXY COOL NASA’S SPACE COLONY ART THINGS FROM THE 1970S COME TO LIFE IN the so-so Elysium!!!

the awesomeness that is SpaceCamp!

the Death Star’s laser control room still exists!!!

Matt Zoller Seitz became like the new Jesus and we still have zero idea who he is

1933 was an incredible year for movies

that picture of Terrence Malick

this picture of Terrence Malick

the cameos of Harmony Korine

Picnic at Hanging Rock is crazed!!!!!

Danny Lloyd Torrance Lives!!!

Batman (1989)’s Flugelheim Museum

+

we still gay for JFGay

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Songs That Execute Butter Than Norman Mailer’s Bong & Chong

‘Ordinary Love’ from the Mandela movie

Mayssa Karaa’s arabic rendtion of ‘White Rabbit’

‘Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites’ by Skrillex in Spring Breakers

Mike Patton’s haunting piano in Pines

&

the abso abso abso lute würstest be…

‘The Blue Umbrella Suite’ featuring Sarah Jaffe

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

+ 

 the würst

& the würrstetst

& twinsies würsteresteserteestsers!!!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

A Good Day to Die Hard / The Purge / My Little Pony: Equestria Girls / The To Do List / The Canyons / Jobs / Inside Llewyn Davis / Out of the Furnace

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Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award

June Squibb / Raphaël Personnaz / Topsy Chapman

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Movies To Look For In The ‘014

World War ZZ Topps

The Haunting in Connecticut 3: Ghosts of Miami of Ohio

The Even Greater Gatsby

Othello (based off of the board game)

Korben Dallas Buyers Club

13 Years A Slave

13 Fast, 13 Furious

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In Memoriam

Temple of the Smile

+

O’Toole & Fontaine & Phil Sey Mo & Ramis & Sid & Paul Walker & Mrs Peacock & Dennis F%&king Farina & The Albino from P-Bride & Gandolfini & stop motion sick-ness & Ebert

&

Mr LittleJeans / Pagoda

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don’t forget to peep out our ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Upstream Color
Downstream Blather
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 96 min

I call bullshit on Shane Carruth‘s Upstream Color.  No, I take that back – I call pig shit on Shane Carruth’s Upstream Color.  No, yes, I take that back/forward too also – it’s both kinds of shit, and all other kinds of shit, even if it thinks it’s the shit, in the good kind of shit way, and not the shit shit way I’m talkins bout.  Now don’t spank me wrong, the film is well crafted, especially if you love editing and pigs and nonsense and crap and Henry David Thoreau  (WHO DOESN’T?????).  Well, there’s something definitely going on in the film, actually lots of things, but really nothing – so much nothing that it all amounts to more zippo than a Zippo lighter factory!  I kept thinking – what does all this mean?  But then I remembered that I didn’t care enuff to know the answer, so my question was replaced with – what the fcuk was that?  Anyone who tells you this movie is awesome doesn’t know what it’s about either, and they apparently want you to suffer the same pointless mindmelt that they endured.  I would never tell you anything was awesome juss cause it had snappy editing and pigs and deep thoughts that weren’t so deep (like the oh so ‘smart’ Inception).  That’s why I call bull/pig/all-kinds of shit on Upstream Color.  I could go on and on and on, like the movie does, and so I will, by ‘explaining’ what the movie is – plotwise – from start to finish, not what it’s about, cause no one knows what it’s about, and it’s not worth trying to figure it out what it’s about

So, some green thumbed dude discovers that his plants are giving off blue dust, so he digs into his plant’s pot to find worms, and then he finds more worms and then gives them to his friends who ingest them and then like start tripping or something and do hand jives with each other.  Then he puts a worm into a pill thing and goes out to some bar where he targets some cute girl (Amy Seimetz) and ruffies her and gives her the worm pill and then he like brainwashes her to write out Henry David Thoreau’s Walden on paper chains, and take tiny sips of water and make her think that each sip of water is like the nectar of the gods, and then he makes her turn over all of her money and assets to him, and then he like disappears, and leaves her alone in some house and she starts seeing a worm crawl inside her body, and she’s like scared, so she finds some pig farmer (Andrew Sensenig) who helps her get rid of the worm by connecting her to a pig, and the worm goes into the pig or something.  Then she’s OK and tries to return to normal life, but she’s been gone for weeks, so she loses her job, and she has no money, so she gets a cute short haircut and gets all moody and sad.  Then some guy (director/writer/editor/composer/’genius’ Shane Carruth) comes out of nowhere, and like falls in love with her, cause she’s cute, but maybe also cause the same thing happened to him.  So they like go places and things and stuff, and more things, then stuff, but she’s all distant, while all he wants to do is to get closer… into her pants.  Meanwhile, the pig farmer does things, like raise pigs, BUT ALSO records sounds, like he was Ben Burtt or something.  Well, apparently the movement of the pigs also mimics the movements of humans, mainly the ones who were drugged and had their money stolen or something.  ANYWHO, one of the pigs gives birth to little pigs and then the pig farmer/sound recordist puts the babies in a bag and tosses them into a river or something.  Meanwhile, our ‘heroes’, the guy and girl, start to get crazier and crazier, hearing sounds, and thinking things, and although the movie wants you to think it’s getting crazier and crazier, and deeper and deeper, it’s actually getting more nonsensical, and stupid, and stuff, and whatevs and zzzzzz.  Our gal starts swimming a lot and starts spouting Walden lines, and the guy starts putting ‘it’ all together.  This leads them back the pig farmer, where they do things to him, and then they find his documents and that leads to a list of people who were also wormed to pig synergized or something, and then they have a party at the pig farm and hug pigs and paint fences!  But what about that pig that was tossed into the river?  Oh yeah, it’s dead, and its blue death germs like went into the water and then grew into a rare blue orchid… which brings us full circle to the planting guy in the beginning, but it really brings us full circle to a toilet bowl where this movie should have been flushed, or something

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Upstream Color basically rain-blows in NY this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

btw, I think this White Stripes video for ‘Blue Orchid’ makes more sense than Upstream Color does did

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…