Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Sithing Thru The Rubble To Find Gold
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So what if I tore Sith a new arsehole on my first tour of doodie? Aren't I allowed to see it again, sans the pressures of opening night bananasnessness, whilst checking my prejudices and preconceived notions, potions, and lotions at the door? And why am I even bothering to pose questions, when I answer to no one, cept maybe my bosses, Jesus, and Papa & Mumsy Thigh Master? Copy, Right? DataWhat? Sugar, Mr Poon? Free of any more queries, I am happy to report that after my round 2 viewage I'm elevating this from 'Not Awful' to 'Worth A Peep' status (although you'll still be able to find the olde negative one on the pull-down menu on yer lower left hand side).
So why the sudden shift in opinion? My sudden shift in opinion all has to do with the how this Episode fits into the grand scheme of things with the other 5. Sure, we don't learn anything new here, but it helps to solidify, what is in my mind, the mos remarkable myth & legend of our (ms) modern age. And whether you or I like it or not, these three new episodes are dunn and in the can, and there aint no turning back... unless of course these rumors on the interwebs about Episode Zero are true. Now I haven't had the pleasure of re-watching New Hope thru ROTJ since, but I did re-viddy Eps I & II over the Mammoryial Day Tweakend and have a new fondness for them booth. I can't bee leave I just typed the words 'fondness' and 'Eps I & II' in the same SENTENCE, but tits true!! All the stoopid and seemingly tedious politics that bogged down the first two were all juss a giant set-up for the big payoff: the greatest coup and rise of a dictator since Hitler took over the watermelon industry. Plus it was great to get rid of all those meaningless Penis-Head Jenkins Jedis and to see how Ani morphed into Darth... even if it seemed he made his decision to join the dark side in all of 3.1 seconds.
Don't spunk me wrong, there are still whoreibble and unEGGSceptable bits that got even more awfulisticular on the second viewing of Ep III, and plenty of other stizz that gots me angry, such as:
1) The over usage of dinosaur-type creatures. They make too much noise, look too fake, and I think the world's seen enuff
Jurassicfication in movies.
2) Anything coming out of Mace Windex's mouth. SLJ is a gifted actor, but not a gifted Jedi. Boo.
3)
General Grievous, who was about as menacing and cutting age as
Johnny Five.
4) You stick us with Jar-Jar for 2 movies, yet you don't even give him ONE LINE in the last one??? I guess Lucas made up for it on the not so spiffy special edition of
ROTJ when the very last line uddered is 'Weesa Free!!' Seriously, it is.
5) Enuff with the
fat blue dudes and
skinny chicks with tentacles coming out of their heads.
6) Words I never wanted Yoda to ever say: 'Chewbacca'.
7) Apparently in his old age, R2-D2 retired from flying, jumping out of planes, shooting oil, shooting fire, and catching things. Good, cause he should only be allowed to shut down things, show hologram movies, retrieve schematics, shoot light-sabers from his head, and fix the hyper-drive on the Millennium Falcon.
8) Love for Mon Mothma, but none for The Admiral? Sounds like
it's A TRAP to me!!
9) Enuff already with the Asian stereotyping. I was juss waiting for
Nute to appoint General Tso as Supreme Vince Chancellor.
10) This could never end, so please insert your complaints here.
And for the record,
Phantom Menace, void of all Jar
2 Binksedness, is a far superior flick wheneth compared to
Attack of the Clowns. Don't agree? Remember how umcredible Qui-Gon Jinn & Darth Maul were? Or how white-hot
Keira Knightley was in white-face, when she wasn't even a blip on anyone's radar? Probably not, cause yer too busying trying to figure out why the fork
Count Grandpa and the
Techno Union eggsist, or where you can buy one of those
cable-knit sweaters that Jimmy Smits rox!! Or how bout the 'plot'? Oh yeah, the 2nd one didn't have one. It was basically: Ani has boner for Padme, Padme resists, Ani slices apple with force, Padme lets Ani force himself on her,
Padme gets shirt ripped (probably the next hottiest Star Wars moment next to
Leia wearing Jabba's Secret brand metal lingerie), Boba's dad's super sperm creates CGI headaches for audiences, and apparently
bug people fart when they talk. And tisn't it about thyme we all give lil
Jake Lloyd a break? He was a kid playing a kid. What do you want him to do? Throw away his space Legos and stop hanging out with
mini-Greedo? He was good enuff. Good enuff considering the lines Lucas was feeding him. At least he didn't look like he was left in the dryer for 14 hours like
Yoda did in Ep I. And don't even get me started on
female Yoda...
Recommended for those who like: space operas filled with bubbles, a silent
Sio Bibble, and
this.
Possible Porno Name:
Star Holes III: Whip It Out & Sith It In!Unsatisfied with this? You shouldn't be. I changed my mind and you can too!
Everyone have a killah weekend, but whatevs u do, DO NOT see
Lords of Dogtown. I'll eggsplain it all next week. Until then, the balcony is clothed.
