Say what you will about Labor, Arbor or Secretary's Day, but thighs down, there is no better American holiday than Spanksgiving. Everyone in our mostly fine country celebrates it, regardless of race, color, smell, or updog. If yer not eating pie on the third Thursday in November, then you probably aint gonna make it with anyone anyhow. So in honor of Honor Blackman's boning of Principal Onyx Blackman while listening to Onyx's 'Slam'[d], we give spanks, and misgivings, and Earnest Givens
Spanksgiving! -for my mother's redonkey-donk greasy spoon -for Joe Gibbs listening to Jesus' call to bench Mark Brunell -for Cliff Engle -for Goldenfiddle -for Orbit's Lemon-Lime gum -for Shitney giving her ho the heave -for Garyland's 7-0 start that may wash away memories of missing the tourney for the past 2 years and this, Navi the Terrible Bowler's desktop background image -for the color combo of green and yellow -for Amy Ruth's candied yams -for The Onion's headlines -for Mel Gibson showing his true colors, and for those who boo his name when they see his Apocalypto trailer in theaters -for Under Armour undies, they protect this house, and by house i mean my sweaty ball sac and killer dong! -for Jhoon Rhee's 'Nobody Bother Me' commercial -for saucy red-heads with everlasting smiles -for Spike TV's Bond-A-Thon & AudioGarden's Casino Royale KILLAH Bond theme -for the moment I get my grubby lil hands on the Nintendo Wii -for Drew Brees' fantasy numbers that actually make Peyton Manning benchable in my keeper league -for 1/20/09 -for Maryland's world's bestest flag -for Borat's endless curiosity of packaged cheese -for Dan Steinberg's Sports Bog -for Sesame Chicken -for bowling -for Matthew leaving Eleanor at home to put her boots back on -for mustaches -for the return of Kelly Leak
Misgivings! -for that cacophony of crap that is Timb Lake's 'Sexy Back' -for the NFL Network -for HD-DVD & Blu-Ray -for mircowaved tunafish -for Mel Gibson showing his true colors -for Nazis -for Surf Nazis, who must die -for my State Comptroller -for Tower Records' closing -for the NBA -for Philly's Mütter Museum's love of all things mad yuck, including but not limited to sliced sections of the human head -for NBC picking up Studio 60 for the whole season, thus forcing me to watch overly dramatic shiz that doesn't need to be dramatic -for Libby Gelman-Waxner's mostly worthless 'If You Ask' articles in Premiere -for Jessica Shaw's always worthless Shaw Report in EW -for the Lions, who should be banned from Turkey Day -for Gustav Graves
