Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Saturday, July 3

knights in black satin


#

Friday, July 2

A Cake Walk

Lindsay, me and the guys over at work love you so dang much, we boughts you this cake!!

made with real icing!!


# A Cake Walk

You Say It's Yer Birthday?

you are the sunshine of my life

The day hath finally come
And now we can all come in peace
Gawd bless Michael Lohan's super jizzle!

And gawd bless 18-year-old-buxom-freckled-red-head-superstar-tween-queens!!!


# You Say It's Yer Birthday?

Dot Whorg

OK folks. I f-in did it. Thighs Wide Shut has a new home: ThighsWideShut.org. I wanted the .com, but as we all know, some bastage cyber-shitter beat me to it. So everyone, please edit yer linkages/bookmarks/tattoos to reflect this change as the blogspot url will never get updated after this post. Enjoy!


# Dot Whorg

Thursday, July 1

The Streets Are Alive
With The Sound Of Music

camera phones are all the rage!!
The Streets
+ Dizzee Rascal
Irving Plaza

Hip-hop is dying of unorigniality. Jay-Z is jamming with Phish and his Black Album has been mashed-up with everything short of Soul Asylum's Grave Dancer's Union. But there's a truly unique voice coming straight outta the UK, who's breathing some new life into this fading genre. And that voice belongs to nun udder than Mike Skinner of The Streets. The dude basically talks about eating KFC and "birds, not bitches" over some of the illest na-na beats you ever did hear. Sorta like a cross between a stoned Henry Rollins and a less jaxxy Basement Jaxx. Now Mr Skinner's music isn't eggzactly for everyone, but then again, neither is munching on grundle-reeking foie gras.

Me and the Newbs were royally treated to a non-stop throw ya fingaz in the air-a-thon. As we both remarked, probably one of the most unrelievable hip-hop shows wees ever did peep. Mikey Skins brought along a bassist, a DJ, a drummer, and his umcredible backing vocalist, and it truly made all the difference. Every song they pounded out sounded even better than they do on the records... which is usually quite the opposite for live hip-hop shows. There were no "rhubarb and custard verses" to be found at last night's sha-blam-a-zam-zam. Highlights included the weepy "Dry Your Eyes", rolling "Fit But You Don't Know It", intense "Turn The Page", and o course, the bouncy "Lets Push Things Forward." How apt a song for a guy who's eggzactly doing that. Hip-hop has 99 problems, but The Streets aint one.


# The Streets Are Alive
With The Sound Of Music

Wednesday, June 30

You've Been Served

Big ups and mad props de leon to my main man DJ Cackensen for serving 5 glorious years in our Navy. No more 130 degree shits in an Iraqi Port-A-Pottie for you bro! Thanks for serving our country better than McDonald's. We welcome you back to civilian life with open arms and plenty of Al Green albums. Gawd bless you dawg.

the model soldier


# You've Been Served

Three Holes Of Pleazure

Lebowski Fest NY
August 13-14th
NY loves dick
Tickets on sale tomorrow!


# Three Holes Of Pleazure

Weight An F-in Minute

the new Cop Rock?
- What's the biggest waste of money since Playskool's My Buddy? My Pet Fat. This is quite possibly the wurst weight-loss idea ever. I mean, why not just inhale bacon, shower in mayo, and watch the lbs disappear.

- Me peeped Ladysmith Black Mambazo's show at the World Financial Center Plaza last night. Money spot was when they rocked "Homeless", off of Paul Simon's Graceland. If I were dead loaded, I would hire them to sing in my office all day long. Sh%t be relaxing like the Joy of Painting with Bob Ross.

- Welcome to Lohan Planet. Today's topics are: Dooney & Bourke (whoever the scrooge they are) have chosen Ms LL as the new face for their product AND daddy Lohan doesn't pay his hotel billz. Pee es- can Friday's b-day celebration come any sooner?

- I'm sure most of these don't taste like chicken.

- Jackie White and his Seven Nation Army have lauched a jihad on a 26-year-old filmmaker who made a documentary about em. Will this turn out to be the most controversial movie since Lilo & Stitch? Stay tuned folks.

- Boo to this Coquette. Who-ray to this Coquette.

- This picture of the Olsen twits is too nasty to even post. [Link via Cef-Dawg]

- bangme.net and Commodore 64 porn. [Links via Tim "Fudger" Altie]

- What will be fall TV's least TiVoed show: I Hate My Job hosted by the Rev Al Sharpton.

And for shiz and nibbles:

- Chuck E. Cheese mascot attacked with pizza and threatened with a beating by an angry mum who said he wasn't paying enough attention to her child.

- Meet my wife, Ye Olde 96er: 6 pounds of beef, one large onion, two whole tomatoes, a half a head of lettuce, 1 1/4 pounds of cheese, top and bottom buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles. Just "some" pickles. What's up wit dat?

Qwik note: a lot of past postings will have pictures missing. Daddy Thigh Master is aware and working on it like a box of Popeye's fried chicken. Thanks for your pay-shence.


# Weight An F-in Minute

Tuesday, June 29

Alienating The Hipster Vote

Look folks, I'm all for anyone who isn't GWBusch, but I may have to change my mind about Johnnie Kerry after the announced line-up for the benefit concert in his honor (July 8 @ Radio City): The Dave Matthews Band? Mary J. Blige? Jon Bon Jovi? Wyclef Jean? John Mellencamp? Sarah Jessica Parker? Whoopi Goldberg? and Chevy Chase? What is this s%&#, Comic Relief 2004? Why stop there when they can rope in Yakov Smirnoff, El DeBarge, and Howie Mandel!! I mean, all the hipsters are going to vote for you anywayz Kerry, but may I suggest this as your line-up to guarantee you at least my vote: Franz Ferdinand, the Gorillaz, Lindsay Lohan, Jude Law, Air, Natalie Portman, Amy Sedaris, Ali G, Ludivine Sagnier, the White Stripes, Monica Bellucci and her twin pals.


# Alienating The Hipster Vote

Monday, June 28

Poker In The Ear
Poker In The Rear

the next perry farrell?
- Who's the king of all Randalls Island news? None other than ProductshopNYC. The Island said peace out to Lollapalooza last week and the Cure's depressing tour may bite the dust as well. But there be light at the end of the tunnel folks. How does Little Steven's International Underground Garage Festival starring Iggy Pop & The Stooges, The Strokes, The New York Dolls, Bo Diddley, The Raveonettes, The Mooney Suzuki, and many more for only one Andrew Jackson sound to you'alls? Gawd bless you Silvio!!

- One of the best non-fiction shows ever returns July 6th: The 2004 World Series of Poker. In the meantime, czech out what color commentator Norman Chad has to say about America's obsession with dodgeball.

- What do a fake mustache, a mullet, the solar system, and a keytar all have in common? This. [Link via Tim "Fudger" Altie]

- POLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLAPOLA.

- Bruce Willis seeks to end his baldness.

- Me and Lohan, the buxom 17 & 11/12th year old, must share the same brain. Both of our dream projects would be “a movie with Johnny Depp or Jude Law. I’m in love with them both.” Girl, you'll be a woman soon.

we answer to a higher calling
- The folks over at Chosen Couture are quickly becoming more urban than Urban Outfitters. They've added many a fine products to their site. So which one of yous wants tos buys mees this apron?

- Did you know that you should never carry a hoe into the house. If you do so by mistake, carry it out again and walk backwards to avoid bad luck. Damn hoes!! Click me for more superstitions.

- Time to get a rotary phone cause a Hungarian study found that mobile phones may damage sperm. I mean, text messaging isn't worth losing future generations of Thigh Masters, right?

- And finally, we can rest assure as Lawmakers Loosen Potluck Dinner Rules.


# Poker In The Ear
Poker In The Rear

Box Office Bidness
More Biased Than Len Bias

this is the only 'White Chicks' movie i'll see this year
1. Fahrenheit 9/11 – $21.8 (NEW) - I hate to say this, but F-9/11 is about as slanted and propagandanistical as Leni Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will. Read our review here.

2. White Chicks – $19.6 million ($27.1 million) - "Worst movie of the year! You[Ebert] are so right. The make-up is just hideous. It doesn't work on any level whatsoever!! When they did the make-up, they should have gone on they set and said, 'Well guess what everybody, go home, we don't have a movie!'"
- Richard Roeper.

3. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
 - $18.5 million ($67.2 million) - What's a cooler name, Rip Torn or his real name, Elmore Rual Torn?

4. The Terminal - $13.9 million ($41.8 million) - Their website gives me motion sickness.

5. The Notebook – $13 million (NEW) - I'm still holding out for Trapper Keeper: The Movie

will tom hanks please pick up the white courtesy phone, yer career is almost over
6. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - $11.4 million ($211.7 million) - Which Hogwarts student sorta looks like a cross between Patrick Fugit, Ben Kweller, and good ole Danny Cooksey? None other than me homeboy, Ron-boy, Rupert Grint. Btw, filming has begun on Potter 4 .

7. Shrek 2 - $10.5 million ($397.1 million) - Wurstest cross promotion evers: NASCAR & Shrek.

8. Garfield: The Movie - $7 million ($55.8 million) - Breckin Meyer's last three films leading up to this mastershit: Roberto Benigni's Pinocchio, Kate & Leopold, and Rat Race. He makes Jake Busey look like Laurence Olivier.

9. Two Brothers- $6.2 million (NEW) - Don't bothers.

10. The Stepford Wives - $5.2 million ($49 million) - Frank Oz is a true renaissance man of movies. He co-starred in Spies Like Us, wrote The Muppets Take Manhattan, and directed Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.


# Box Office Bidness
More Biased Than Len Bias

O The Places I Will Went

Tit was quite a weak end folks. Me hit up a screening of Fahrenheit 9/11, chilled with my Hotlanta/UK boy JK (who once dated Kate Beckinsale in like 5th grade), went to the Mets blowout of the Yanks on Saturdaze with me cousins, got stuck an N train right outside of the tunnel to Queens for 45 minutes, smacked up some sausage and Pilsner Urquell at what is sure to be a Blogga Paradise: The Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden, paid some long overdue hugs and misses to my Chi-town gal Randall, bid adieu to my Australian-bound compradre Scott-tay Teen Wolf, celebrated my gal Katty Kat's 21st, and peeped yet again, another stellar installment of Six Feet Under. And without further much ado about nada, here's yer weekly switched at birth with Rachel Griffiths:

fraggle rock me like a hurricane
Bitched @ Swirth?


# O The Places I Will Went

Sunday, June 27

Google My Noodle Kugel

Folks and folkettes, Thighs Wide Shut is changing for the butter. I soon hope to lose the blogspot in the url, eat lots of fried chicken, and maybe eat some more fried chicken. Anywhozitz, you can now search the entire Thighs Wide world from this very site!! Just scroll to the very last post on this page and you will find this:
gawd bless u google


# Google My Noodle Kugel

The 411 On
Fahrenheit 9/11

pull the strings!!!
Plain and simple, this is a muss C moovie. But it's really not that plain and/or simple. I didn't find it that amazing and it wasn't even the best Michael Moore documentary I've seen... that title belongs to Bowling For Columbine. So why is it a muss C? Cause everyone sez it is and who wants to be left out of the conversation, eh? Don't get me wrong, it raises numerous valid questions about the policy and actions of Premier Bush and his staff, but I think Moore went a lil too overboard with his biased propaganda. If you want get a point across, don't you have to explore both sides of the story?

And yeah, it's an important film for this election year, but it surely isn't timeless. If Bush wins in November, Moore and his opinion lose. And if Bush doesn't, was it Moore's doing or just the fact that people are sick and tired of the Bushman in the first place? Either way, in years to come, all the hype and hubb-bubb will die down and Michael Moore will take his muckraking to someone else's backyard. I mean, if Moore made a doc about any president, say Rutherford B. Hayes, he could make him look worse than Hitler sans watermelon.

F-9/11 is basically a liberal movie made purely for liberals. At the screening I took in, the very democratic NYC crowd applauded at every chance possible. It's really hard to get your point across when yer preaching to the choir, eh? But what about those voters/viewers who are on the fence? Well, they probably won't dislike Bush any more than they did before, but then again, they don't really want to vote for J Kerry either. And what about the conservative Bush supporters? They'll just dismiss it as a bunch of liberal soapboxing, which is basically is. Personally, I think Howard Stern and his censorship ordeals with the FCC have bigger impact on the election, than F-9/11.

However, I still urge you to go and see this slanted, yet honest documentary and form your own damn opinion. I mean, who's not going be entertained by 2 hours filled with Bushisms, him goofing off, and looking like an idiot, right? And besides Napoleon Dynamite, there really isn't anything that umcredible out in the theaters right now. But if you really want to see a jarring documentary that explores the political problems of yesterday and today, then look no further than last year's worthy Oscar winner, Errol Morris' masterpiece The Fog of War. Now let me get off my soapbox.


# The 411 On
Fahrenheit 9/11

A Long Time Cuming

be my dairy queen and i'll be yer burger king
- What day is more precious to Americans than July 4th, Independence Day? July 2nd, aka the day Ms. Lindsay Lohan-Thighmaster turns a ripe 18!!!! FINALLY, I no longer have to be compared with the likes of Pee-Wee Herman or Jeffrey Jones!! And why don't you just shut up San Francisco Chronicle reporter Peter Hartlaub. We all know you can't wait for Kim Possible to turn legal.

- Wanna be cool like the Thigh Master? Then why don't you bid on these Temple of Doom collectible glasses. No time for eating Dr Jones!

- First Seacrest and now Winslet out? She's backing out of the Woodman's London-set film cause of the heavy load on her shoulders... her breasts.

- Boy named ESPN to be visited by... ESPN!!!

- Set times have been posted for this summer's Coney Island Siren Fest. Shit is going to be hotttttt like Buster Poindexter. Can't wait to buy me fifteen chili dogs from Nathan's.

- Casablanca's answer to Planet Hollywood: Rick's Cafe. Hopefully they don't have Play It Again Sam-dwiches on their menu.

- Cleavage, one of the breast documentaries I've ever seen, airs again tonight on A&E at 8 pm.

- What sorta sounds and looks like South Park? Trey Parker and Matt Stone's latest: Princess. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- The Newbs and his comedy series at Boston's Regattabar got some nyce press in The Globe.

- Itching to know what ever happened to that Encyclopedia Britannica Kid or what columnist Weed McBonghit will do with life after Phish? Czech out my comrades over at Inside Joke.TV for those answers and much, much more.


# A Long Time Cuming