Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Friday, May 20

OC2

• What a week it has been FOX's pin-up toy Logan Marshall Green! First Jack Bauer ALMOST chopped off his legs and threw him into a lava pit when he tried to choke Padame, but he saved himself when he admitted how much he loved cock and how he thinks his TV dad looks like a Kennedy family reject. Then just last night, he was taking it easy with Orange County's most easiest when all hell broke loose again. Almost as loose as said girl. Seems his brother Rygar wasn't too fond of his fondling of the hottiest woman in the world named Mischa. Well, lettuce juss say he gots what he deserved as the OCk ended with a BANG! And with 24 peacing its fork out this Monday, I guess its time to bid adieu to the man we call Logan Marshall Trey Richard Heller Green Atwood. You will be missed. And by missed, I mean I'd shit on your house, at the first very first chance I get, like Ronald Miller did to earn respeck on his best friend Kenneth's house in Can't Buy Me Love. If Brian Austin Green couldn't buddy hacket, how can you?

• Why is women be so darn beautifulski and men are so (Michael) Gross?

• Lohag, still nasty

• Lohag Felicity in MI3?

• Depp to go gonzo again. Last time around was genius... too bad the movie wasn't.

• Aye ca-WHAT-a, Bart is a mayor?

• Woah, the OG Lebowski Fest mcnabbed They Might Be Giants this year!

• BV skims thru the semi-hard to navigate NYC's River2River Summer Fest site to give you the best of the best breast of the breast! No confirm on the Fiery Furnabest show... yet.

• Guns ‘N’ Roses Album Update #1,367, and no I didn't make up that headline!

• The Stripes are in such a hurry this summer. I guess you could call them RUSSIANS! Speaking of my ancestors, why not download Roxette's greatest hits from one of their fine internets portals!

• Beck loves Cali

• Boring just got bigger!

• Gorillaz brainchildren, Jamie Hewlett and Damon Albarn, will be making the following in-store appearances next week:

May 24 - Newbury Comics, Boston, 7pm
May 25 - Criminal Records, Atlanta, 6pm
May 26 - Virgin Megastore, Union Square NYC, 12-2pm



• Cherish these Steve Hartman reports now, before you see him on the streets pissing on himself and talking to mail boxes.

• Geri 'Ginger Snatch Spice' Halliwell's gig of a lifetime: Blur in the '95? I knew she was deliscumptious, but I didn't realize she had good taste too!

• Fooled by Justin/Fubar 2.0/Don't Link This' disappearing act? I was never worried for a second, but me likes the new look, hispecially seein' Thighs occupy the top link slot. Dare I say, thanks a slot?

• Chewie may pick up his chicks at Cons, but Darth makes his living off em!

• Damn, I was really hoping to sue my 1st grade baseball coach for patting me on the ass as I rounded first base.

• Silent Flute dug up some hot snaps from the 24 season finale. Peeep em here, here, here, and here!

• Unfortunate Star Wars Costumes

• And now for the other OC, the REAL OC: Ocean City, Merryland, where me and the fellers, who attended the 11th best high school in AMORICA (!), will be celebrating the waning freedom days of one Davi Phil El Hofbergo... who oddly enough reminds me of a kindler, gayer (only cause he's too good in the kitchen), Ryan Atwood. Anywho, did you know that there's a growing rivalry between the two OCs that no one even knows about??? Either spray, I'm thinking that Misch's and mine's love will erase the rift that seperates our two great OCs. I guess we'll juss have to wait and O'sea.


pink stencil font 4eva!!

Pee es - as you probably gathered, dearest Pammy Pam was not able to come back and beat Mr Mustachio. A sad day indeed. And although she did not win the big monies I still would heavily consider letting her have the honor of taking my super sperm and turning it into super sexy smart and smart-arsed children.


# OC2

Thursday, May 19

Star Bores?

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
More By The Numbers Than CBS's Num3rs
View TrailerS

Unlike what Boyz II Men said, it's not so hard to say goodbye, to yesterday... with 'yesterday' being 3:13 AM this morning when I left the theater covered in popcorn dust, an acute case of swamp ass, and udder disgust for 6 years of wasted anticipation gone right down the toilet. But before I delve into the deetz lettuce get a few things gay & straight here. First off, the movie was NOT AWFUL, and sirprizngly, neither is Hayden Christensen. It was fun & entertaining and you will probably really enjoy it. Actually you will only enjoy it, or think you did, for two reasons: 1) the first two episodes were SO FORKIN UNRELIEVABLY UNEGGCEPTABLE that even if the third one was Leonard Part 6 mixed with Ghost Dad and had only one lightsaber duel, it would have been seen as a vast improvement. 2) yer watching a movie where you already know the outcome of the plot and the fate of all the characters involved. It's sorta like reading the book before seeing the movie version of it and can't help but feeling disappointed cause it's not how you imagined it. And the only peeps you remotely care about are the ones that you already fell in love with circa '77-'83. The crowd cheered when they saw the familiar faces (like the pointless Chewbacca cameo), but I don't recall such fanfare when Jimmy Smits appeared. Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I forgot how memorable, umcredible, and near and dear to my heart these characters are: Watto 'The Turkish rug dealer', Jar Jar Stanx, Boss 'Swamp' Nass, Sio Bibble 'Babble', Poggle the 'More is' Lesser, Captain Typho'id', Wat 'Jeffrey' Tambor, Nute 'I am Asian, but I'm not' Gunray, Dex 'How Big Yer Pocket Books Are' Jettster, and the wurstest creation ever to come out of George's skull, that penis-Mena-Suvariesque-6-head Jedi, Ki-Adi-Mundi-Zeta-Jones. Luckily mos of the aforementioned wastes of gigabytes on a computer did not grace us with their presence in Ep III.


The following paragraph does not contain spoilers. It does not contain spoilers cause you ALREADY KNOW EGGZACTLY WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. And if you couldn't figure out how things were going to transpire based solely off of the teaser trailer, like I did, then you must have the brain activity of Rosie O'Donnell's farts. OMG, CAN U BEE LEAVE ANAKIN TURNS INTO DARTH VADER!!! WAIT, PADAME ISN'T HAVING ONE BABY, BUT TWO!!!! WHAT, JIMMY SMITS FLEES THE GALAXY, CHANGES HIS NAME TO VICTOR SIFUENTES & JOINS A LOS ANGELES LAW FIRM?!?!?!?! And so on and so fork. This movie has been billed as the one the fans have been waiting for, with all the darkness, Jedi killing, and what snot, but I don't buy into that shit at all. Episode I should have started things off with a bang and not what seemed like taking your nephew to Chuck E. Cheese's, where he has all the fun in the ball bin, but yer too big so you're forced to watch that creepy animatronic band rock out.


You know what, I don't think you all can truss my opinion on this flick. I've juss been so darn jaded-pinketed-smithed by the whole new set of Episodes that it was nearly impossible for me to be impressed and turned from the dark side of my opinions. I wanted to be wowed, not woed. I still stand by my stance and safety dance that Lucas should have never made these. If you want to expand the Star Wars universe, you move forward, not backward. I mean, when I have a Thigh Master Jr running around my castle, is he to watch these movies in Episode order? I can juss picture the mos handsomest kid in the world saying to me, 'Hey daddy, you're the greatest father that ever did live on planet Earth, but after Episode III, why does everything move a lot slower and look so darn dull and boring?' How do you explain that to the golden child? I still think the new movies are way too flashy and busy. And the CG looks like crap. General Grievous? He's like Jar Jar, but has 7 arms. WHORE-ABLE!!! You still can't replace real with fake real. It juss doesn't work, purty much like Eps I thru III. But why are u listening to me, yer gonnna see it regardzzzz-less. So have fun and may the force be with Jews.

Recommended for those who like: Natalie Portman moaning, Pompeii, and R2-D2 doing things that R2-D2 couldn't possibly do like fly.

Possible Porno Name: Star Whores III: Revenge of The Stiff Peniseses

Unsatisfied with this? I feel your pain. Take a lubricated bath in Uncle Owen's garage, relax, and try to erase 1999 on from your memory banks.


# Star Bores?

Wednesday, May 18

Ritalin Me This Batman

Who is the one AND only Riddler?



above, all pretenders
leaving only one contender...

FRANK 'THE GORSH' GORSHIN



1934 - 2005

And in memory of yer peace the fork outting, lettuce revisit some of yer riddle HOTness that made you one of the breastestest villains of TV's Batman:

Q: What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?
A: He gobbles up!

Q: What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?
A: A sparrow with a machine gun!

Q: What has yellow skin and writes?
A: A ballpoint banana!

Q: What goes up white, and comes down yellow and white?
A: An egg!

Q: How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?
A: Make applesauce!

And my personal flavorite, which I also use in life cause I am as lame and as gay as the Riddler:

Q: What people are always in a hurry?
A: Russians!

And boy do I love dem Russians, hispecially white HOT ones!!



# Ritalin Me This Batman

Millennium Falcon Cresting


• The day has finally arrived and I honestly couldn't care less. How could that be humanly possible? I mean, this is freakin Star Wars, not Star Trek: Circumcision. Um, I dunno, but it probably has to do with the fact that George Lucas and his neck that's the size of a Cloud City has basically taken a gynormo dump on the entire franchise and in turn, my childhood. I never understood why the backstory had to be told. We already know it. Maybe the only thing that needs clarity is how Tarkin became a Grand Moff. Anywho, although I am bitching more than a bunch of Jews paying at retail, I'm still going to see it with my pants around my ankles during all the Portman scenes tonight/tomorrow at 12:30 AM at the splendid AMC Empire (Strikes BEST) 25. See you in line? May the disappointment not be with me. Here's hopin'!

• SummerStage finally gets around to updatin' their site, and in the process, unveils their free concert series including the likes of M.I.A., Patti Smith, Coheed & Cambria, Tegan & Sara, John Legend, Blind Boys of Alabama, the Upright Citizens Brigade, and on one day: MC5, The Sun-Ra Arkestra, AND DJ Spooky!

• Peace the fork out #9 train?

• If Donnie Darko & Lohag had a baby, it would either look like this or this, who both oddly look a lot like him. [2nd 'this' via Chipper Jonesing]

• Peep the teaser trailer to da Da Vinci Code, which hasn't even begun filming yet! Why am I all of the sudden hungry for Alpha-Bits®.

• The dude who boned Jessica Cutler is now suing her for invasion of privacy. What he really should be doing is not drawing even more attention to the fact that he actually boned her. She's so busted, that Playboy posted her snaps on the web and thus saving their magazine readers from slitting their eyes out.

• The great Regnyouth has dug up yet another place hostin Gorillaz' Demon Days. DON'T DELAY, DOWNLOAD TODAY!

• Why was I so nervous watching Jeopardy! last night? Hmmm, maybe cause the future of my fortunes, aka Pam 'Ferris' Mueller, has already fallen $13K behind the scary dude with mustache, no, not that guy with that mustache, in the ToC semi-finals. Good thing she still has a chance to catch him on tonight's show and move onto the throwdown showdown with KJ. Some say the hottiest thing on television since Out of The World or Marblehead Manor.

• Jack Bauer to say 'NOWWWW' for two more seasons!!

• Grossier than gross? Courtney Love kissing Lili Taylor

• True Lies 2? Somehow they have to work in a storyline involving Eliza Dushku (Count Dooku's real-life daughter) competing in pudding wrestling tournaments.

• Fraiser Crane in X3? [via Pakula Shaker]

• More New Order, but when are we gonna get more Maid To Order?

• The next 'gen' of Madden fooball on Playstation 3 looks oh so bananananas!! [via Gorilla M]

• CHEWBACCA MET WIFE AT STAR WARS CONVENTION

• PicturesOnWalls.com

• Thighs Wide Shut?

• Breastest handsoap no one knows about: Fa's Kiwi Mix

• Hot Dog, Bun Makers Vow To Even The Score [via Witz]

• Who does this guy think he is, Pat O'Brien of the pre-Betsy's-jealous-era?


• While mos peoples were seeing big shows early this week, like snoozefest '87 & a reunion of a band that I've never heard of until they reunited, I czeched out the latest and greatest: Kasabian @ Bowery & The Bravery @ Warsaw. Both killah performances. Plus ya gotta love that each only have one album out and basically play the whole thing in about an hour. Take the Bravery's setlist (with my really cool bed sheets as a background) for example, every single song from their album was played. Yous juss can't beat that... cept for the fact that their guitarist looks like John Norris.


ADDED: CBS AXES 60 MINUTES WEDNESDAY!?#?!#@?%~% How will the world be able to face their hump days without the services of Steve Hartman? More importantly, what the hell is he going to do? He was on the verge of becoming the 1147832334480235435th funniest person in the world!!


# Millennium Falcon Cresting

Tuesday, May 17

Me Fail Mission?
That's Umpossible

• Lohag to star in Mission Impossible 3?!?!??!?! Although none of the MI movies have been remotely watchable, this call makes about as much sense as letting the dude who makes Mad Libs write the sequel to Homer's The Odyssey, or choosing KFC fried chicken for a picnic over Popeyes, or sitting down to watch UPN for 3 straight hours of programming, or going to college to actually learn things, or beating off to Rosie O'Donnell playing a retard. Have I made my point clear? If this ever happens, Satan has won. [via Defamer]

• Did you know that I attended the ELEVENTH BEST HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY! EAT THAT LOSERS WHO KANT SPELLS OR USAGES GRAMER CO-erect-LEE!!! ROCKET PRIDE & ROCKET POWER FOREVER BIZATCHESZZ!! [via the I-Train]

• Coldplay set to bore 36 cities

• Talk bout doing a 180, Marty Freedawg gonna follow Hitchhiker's with Anthony Minghella's latest, Breaking And Entering, co-starring Jude Law (whom I'd love as my own personal cole slaw)

• Orlando B(l)oo learned how to act from lizards. Explains why he's so boring, but not why he refuses to star in a movie that takes place in the 20th or 21st century.

• Hayden Christensen, NOT gay?

• Who knew Borat loved the Knicks and chilled with Sandler? And good luck Timmy R trying to follow-up what Ali G did last year.

• Apparently Jim Henson's crew wants to scare the crap outta me again! Speaking of, cant wait til Six Feet Under returns this summer.

• Will the US Open's blue courts cause blue balls? I dunno, but I bet she's caused many o' cases of them!

• Z is for trailer

• Behold, the new and improved WhiteStripes.com. I hear if you visit it each day, you'll keep the doctor away and the Kip at bay.

• Duran squared to get all orchestrated.

• The fine peoples that brought you Slice are done with za and have moved on to bigger and better burgers with A Hamburger Today. Hopefully they'll do an international version as I'm dying to know how the burgers of Calais taste!

• Saving Adrmiral Ackbar & this & this!

• Tickets for the Digable Planets show @ Irving Platz are on-sale. Who's in? [via The Vegan]

• Jeopardy! is looking for the next Ken Jennings Pam Mueller in the following cities: NYC, Philly, Memphis, & Bostonia.

• SexySlumberParty.com [SFW], a part of probably the most decent Simpsons' episode I've seen/the only episode I've sat thru in 2 years! [All Thangs Christ]

• A Pringles Flagship Store in Times Square?

• This will make you feel pathetic

• The world's largest building made of Lego pieces? [via Cubicle Hater]

• Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight [via the midget source, Zach de la Roachclip]

• ALMOST as much fun as watching someone play Burger Time [via K to the P]

• Nuttin beats an internets site choc fulla animated gifs of women beating up people, sometimes utilizing their thighs. [via T Gunzzzzzz]

• And nobody tears up the Côte d'Azur like mees and my's crew!! Sorry yer missin' out on all the fun Cuthy, but after taking part in these brat-wurstestest photos of all'sthymer, I had no choice but to leave you at home.



# Me Fail Mission?
That's Umpossible

Monday, May 16

Eating Out of Tin Cannes


[via The Superfish]

• If only Moby were here to look at us, cause we is beautiful.

• I loves it when there be mad press goings on for things I really love. Last month it was a sea of Cuthbestedness for House of Wax Dat A$$, and now it's the Gorillaz turn! Not only did we learn that their new tour will once again feature the same impersonal silhouette display they rocked back in the '02 from B-board, but even the NY Times dropped some scoopage (+ a great pic of Mr Albarn on a bike!) like the Dreamworks feature film is not going to happen and that Danger Mouse will be on board for the next Blur album.

• Speaking of, details of Graham's next crackers revealed! Hey Coxy, save sum of dem idears for yer former bandmates.

• Can yous bee leave someone ponyed up 7.4 mills to get Destiny's Child to play their son's Bar Mitzvah? If yer daddy had a fat bank roll who would you choose to make you Bar/Bat Mitzvah the mos rockinest Jewfest of all? For me, it would have to be the keepers of the keytars, Air. Although I bet it wouldn't cost to much too get the Fiery Furnaces in general.

• 2B purrrfectlee honest, Andy Rooney is berry umcredible & unrelievable. I mean, I've always wanted to hear him say 'it’s, like, cool, man.'

• New Radiohead Album Out Early 2006?

• I don't even know who you are anymore.

• Even if Natalie was a bald cancer-stricken-neo-Nazi-lesbian, I'd and you'd still bone her six ways from Saturday.

• First PS3 photo?

• Ladytron & Madness to tour Engerland (not together) this summer, but when the fork are they States bound?

• The Wendy's missing digit mystery has finally been fingered out.

• R2-D2 hates on C3-PO

• Anybody know this Star Wars character's name?

• WHAT?!?!?! The only good thing that could possib-lee come out of this is another round of McDonald's Dick Tracy Crimestopper (scratch-off) Game, which I now will be on the look out for on eBay.

• Speaking of... Nintendo Game + Bad Movie = Pure Entertainment

• Liam Gallagher to star opposite Begbie?

• Trent is The New Messiah was chosen as the NY Post's 10th entry on their weekly Hot List. I guess the Post doesn't realize that he's gay.

• How long can I stay tuned for their next move?

• Anyone looking to buy yer beloved Thigh Mizzle a gift and have $200 to spare? Look no further!!

• Come play with us Danny, for ever and ever and EVER!

• May is National Bike Month! Somebody call Eric Thomann!!

• Classic Car Commercials

• Anyone else going to the Kasabian show at Bowery tonight? I'm flying solo and need someone to rock out with. Look for me sans sunglasses & corn.

• Forgot to mention this last week, but Jeopardy! honey/my future wife, Pam Mueller, won her Elite 18 match against a bunch of social butterflies in the Tournament of Champions. This week she will compete in the Semi-Finals, and get one step closer to takin on dorkmaster Ken Jennings in the final round. My TiVo® pause button, Jergens® & Kleenex® are all ready 2 gogh!

• And a belated 29th burthday wish goes out to UK uber-cutie pie Martine McCutcheon [NSFW]. Boy I sure would like to McTouchen her mar'hiney.



# Eating Out of Tin Cannes