Thighs Wide Shut

the Summer Olympics aint nearly as cool as the Winter ones, but nuttin is as hotttt as this above snap of German Judo honey Romy Tarangul, on display with 3 other damen in the latest issue of the Fourth Reich’s Playboy [NSFW via w/Leather]

even more Steve Gutenberg articlage, including tales of being trapped on Long Island by a woman who has a myspace page for her cat!

a preview of Lucy Pinder’s 2009 calendar, complete with annoying watermarks! [NSFW]

Thomas Turgoose’s first audition. who? shut yo mouth and Netflix This Is England already

Melissa Theuriau Topless and Pregnant, but not necessarily in that order

Montana man ‘solves’ Zodiac ciphers, but has yet to crack the mystery that is Steve Cyphers

Корчим рожи muss be Russian for smooshing an Asian baby’s face

death from my old stomping, i mean “pooing” grounds

it’s a tarp

CakeFarts.com [NSFW via Cruisespanko]

[HORROR-SHOW]

Tropic Thunder
The Perfect Storm
Trailers & Mo

If you haven’t heard about Tropic Thunder by now, you’ve probably been living under a rock or living in Iraq. Well, for those who fall under them two sedimentary categories, this film is a film within a film in the process of being filmed, although some of the events in the film are actually happening, within the film’s world of reality, yet the actors playing actors think it’s all for the film (to put in simply, it’s a Vietnamese ¡Three Amigos!). A confusing mouthful to spray the least, but this baby’s all about self-reflexivity (the faux trailers at the beginning rival the ones in Grindhouse), and moist importantly, unleashing the hilarity, at the expense of the Hollywood Studio system. After an endless summer of middling (Step Brothers, Love Guru) to mostly forgettable comedies (Zohan, Get Smart and Pineapple Express), Tropic Thunder roars in, offending in all the right ways, as the sharpest laff riot we’ve had the pleasure of seeing seen since last year’s Death At A Funeral and Hot Fuzz

You know ya got something mighty special on hand when both Ben Stiller (playing the blue chip actioneer Tugg Speedman, who’s desperately seeking respectability) and Jack Black’s (farting it up as Jeff Portnoy, a Eddie Murphy/Chris Farley love-wild-child) overacting doesn’t over do it, like it has in the last 7 annoying comedies they’ve appeared in. Stiller’s stellar work in particular (also the film’s director and co-writer, along with Justin Theroux?) restores his status as the modern day king of satire (at least until ZAZ relearn how to be funny), last put on glorious display in Zoolander and seen at it’s all time bestness on the short-lived, but long-loved The Ben Stiller Show (we wished he was able to fit the ‘Platunes’ musical number from Oliver Stoneland in somehow)

The film also contains strong performances from Nick Nolte (duh), Matthew McConaughey (finally taking a break from all the rom-com crap, as Stiller’s agent), Tom Cruise (sure to be a crowd favorite as the balding greedy studio boss, who cusses a lot… the cussing isn’t funny, but seeing Tom Cruise out of his element is) and lesser known talents Brandon T. Jackson (the Booty Sweat guzzling Alpha Chino) and Jay Baruchel (straightman Kevin Sandusky), who do a fine job keeping up with the big names on the poster. Steve Coogan (the film within the film’s short-lived director) and Danny McBride (the F/X guru) make less of an impression here, but then again, there’s not enuff room for everyone to shine when Robert Downey Jr (Aussie chameleon Kirk Lazarus, donning some Al Jolson blackface and spurting many a blaxploitation isms) is chewing up a majority of the scenery. Like with Iron Man, Tropic Thunder would be a solid movie w/o the services Downey, but it’s elevated to new heights with him at the forefront. Mos comedies get overlooked come Oscar time, but RDJr’s work is so unbelievable (we shook our heads in disbelief for every frame he was in) that he will rightfully deserve any recognition that’s coming to him for being ‘the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!‘

National Lampoon: Downey and Stiller both appeared in another Hollywood satire called That’s Adequate. By the looks of the trailer, it doesn’t look adequate enuff to watch on BetaMax. Fo further Thunder madness check out Rain of Madness

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Clone Wars
The Clone Lamer
Trailers & Mo

The Clone Wars is the second cartoon called The Clone Wars, which chronicles the much mo interesting events that lie between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, cept this one is less cartoonish than the first set and more CGI heavy/muddled like the recent movies. It’s basically the first three episodes of the series that will air this fall on Cartoon Network and this serves as one giant marketing campaign for it. If you were a fan of the new films (today’s youth and adults with no taste) and their pop corny dialog, you’ll probably eat up this expansion of the Star Wars universe (sirprizingly the script was not written by Lucas, although it’s equally as refarted as anything he’s done), but for the rest of us Ep I-III detractors
, this is juss more bantha poodoo that will make you want to throw up and wish that we never grew up

You can juss tell that something’s amiss right off the bat when it begins with a Warner Bros logo instead of the infamous 20th Century Fox one, and in lieu of the famous yellow crawl (make your own here) we get (mis)treated to a voice over that reeks of game over. While we do see some familiar faces, and hear some familiar voices (Christopher Lee, Samuel L Jackson and Anthony Daniels are the only ones who lent their talents), all the new stuff blows more goats than Yaddle. Obviously this stuff is aimed more towards the kiddies (herspecially the female ones), but is that any eggscuse to introduce the two mos awful and irksome characters since Jar Jar Stinks? First there’s Anakin’s female Padawan Ashoka (voiced like she was Hannah Montana by David Eckstein’s wife), who calls the elder Skywalker ‘Sky Guy’ and often refers to R2-D2 as ‘Artooie’. URGH, what the frak is this, Jedi Teletubbies? And then there’s Jabba The Hutt’s gay uncle (or is it aunt) Zero The Hutt. He/she is dressed like a Mardi Gras whore and apparently is the third character to strap on Truman Capote’s nasally voice in as many years. It’s the mos unforgiving and laffable thing to hit this galaxy since Padme showed her future hubby the holophotos of her playing with walrus children (Lucas was right, for once, to delete the scene). All in all, it’s still Star Wars-related, so it is semi-watchable, but this new venture will probably work a lot better when it hits the small screen, so until then, feel free to sith thru this rubble

Space Pirate Booty: Padme’s curves were nicely drawn (although not as nice as they is in these NSFW shizies), and the face behind her voice, Catherine ‘Cat’ Taber, needs to have her face, and body shown a lot/hot more

Faptooine 4eva!

Verdictgo: Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Fly Me To The Moon
Winged Degradation
Trailers & Mo

Fly Me To The Moon is billed as the first ever animated movie for 3-D. Guess we’ll have to wait for the second feature to add the adjective ‘good’ into that sentence. Not that this 3-D adventure of three flies sneaking onto Apollo 11’s journey to the moon isn’t cool to gape at (for the first 5 or so minutes, before the novelty starts to wear off), but it’s juss that the flies don’t make for very engaging characters to care about. The filmmakers may have been better off if they ditched the pests altogether (or have Mr Miyagi swat them with chopsticks) and instead concentrate on the astronauts (Buzz Aldrin‘s voice adds a bit of authenticity to the project). Actually, parents may be better off showing their kids something with real substance and wonder like the top doc In The Shadow of The Moon. There is one thing monumental about the project and it has nothing to do with it’s dimension: Christopher Lloyd finally gets to become a member of the McFly family, adding his vocals for the Grampa McFly character

Hot Buzz: we often tout Ali G’s interview with Aldrin, where he informs him about horses on Venus, but lest we forget about his yumcredible cameo in the Simpsons‘ ep ‘Deep Space Homer’

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Thunder opens everywhere today, while Wars and Moon will open this Friday at a theater near Jew

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we was up in nowheresville, ME this past tweakend, celebratin the union of our baseball seeking [wav] man Mavkrus and his blushing bride. there was nuttin really to do up there besides drink and screw, so we killed 2 birds with one stone and drank screwdrivers! (not really, but it’s more poetic if we said we did)

welcome to gawd’s country


where the mountains are larger and more beautiful
than Katie Downes‘ [NSFW]

and every third bidness is named Moosehead something

yet we didn’t see one moose whilst wees was there
although we talked frequently about Daryl Johnston

this ghetto Lobster Roll Express

was more humorous than The Pineapple Express

lobster meat and mayo are a deadly combo

and so are our lobster farts and anyone’s nose

you like Red Sox ice cream Doc?

we bet it has a winning taste
unlike, say, Washington Nationals ice cream
which probably tastes like last place

the last time we went canoeing

it sucked cause the joint was only burning on one side

beards rule!

but not as much as our readers!

we took a leak on this island

and pooped on your head!

apparently dog drowning is legal in Maine

and so is (javier) boredom

we’re so pissed that rainbows have been stolen by gay people

as well as banging people in the butt

a sign of the thymes

that can suck our wake

cause at Woody’s the drinks are as wet as the chicks

and the cash in the ceiling rules everything around us

so C.R.E.A.M., get the money and CREAM, in your pants

and never throw in the towel

iss it juss utz, or does qwikly maturing Dakota Fanning (recently photographed above at her current ripe olde age o’ 14) have the potential to be as adorable (and possibly NSFW) as Naomi Watts/Hottz? either way, things are looking up for the both of em!

Frozen River
Icy Hotness!
Trailers & Mo

Ray (the fiery Melissa Leo, whose like a white trash Patricia Clarkson) has got no money, mo problems. It’s days before Christmas and her gambling-crazed hubby has just skipped town with their savings, leaving her to fend for herself and their two sons (the eldest played with the utmost sincerity and maturity by Charlie McDermott). Her dreams of a double-wide trailer home don’t look to become a reality any time soon, especially if she can only feed her kids popcorn and Tang. As Ray heads out looking for her degenerate spouse, she has a chance encounter on the Mohawk Indian reservation with Lila (Misty Upham), another struggling mom whose trying to save up enuff money to care for her young boy who currently resides with her in-laws. Lila and Ray may come from opposite worlds, but their desperate times call for desperate measures that will ultimately bring them closer together, whether they like it or not. Lila’s got a connection to earn some not so easy money by smuggling illegal immigrants across the US-Canadian border by way of a river on the reservation that’s… FROZEN! If only she had a car! Ray’s got one and the two embark on the risky enterprise that will hopefully fix their monetary woes. Of course it purty much works like gangbusters for the first few runs, but as the local police start to get wind of the operation the duo keep pushing their luck for that quick buck. It’s all truly thrilling and chilling stuff, right down to the final frame, with unforgettable tender turns by both female leads, and in a year of film that’s been kinda weak, this, alongside The Visitor, ranks as one of the year’s best dramas. So if overrated film circuit darlings like Juno or Little Miss Sunshine can garner numerous Oscar nominations, why shouldn’t Frozen River? It’s wishful thinking on our part, but there’s no way it will get any cause the characters are too realistic and not quirky enuff for Academy consideration. Honest to blog!

Slap Happy: McDermott was slapped in the back of the head 52 times in as many takes by Liev Schreiber in the not so funny film The Ten

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

In Search of A Midnight Kiss
Will You Still Love Me Before Sunrise?
Trailers & Mo

It’s been over a decade since a little independent movie about life and love in LA called Swingers exploded onto the scene and captured the hearts and minds of twentysomethings across the country. In that time span, no film has come about as a worthy successor, that is until now. In Search of a Midnight Kiss treads on very similar ground, but this film keeps the laffs to a minimum and cranks up the heartstrings to 11. Kiss features a pair of friends that closely resemble the Vince Vaughn-Jon Favreau dynamic that worked so well in Swingers. Wilson’s (Scoot McNairy) the shattered soul who can’t get over his past relationship and Jacob’s (Brian McGuire) the witty tall best friend boosting his ego and trying to get him laid, and even more so after he catches Wilson beating off to a photoshopped image of his girlfriend’s (Kathleen Luong) head pasted on a model’s body. It’s New Year’s Eve day and Wilson’s eager to find someone to spend the night with. Jacob persuades him to Craigslist it up and wham, before you know it, Wilson’s got a date. When he meets up with Vivan (Sara Simmonds), she gives him 5 minutes to impress her or else she’ll move onto the next date, who’s arriving in another 5 minutes. She comes off as shallow and neurotic, but Wilson doesn’t appear to be as choosy as she is. Vivian decides to give him a go and the two wander around the deteriorated downtown streets of LA waxing both philosophically and inanely. They slowly start to grow on one another, and in turn these once annoying characters’ start to grow on us as well. Will they kiss? What do you think? But then what? Dunno, but we’re juss darn happy to be reminded that independent no-budget filmmaking is far from being dead

Kiss & Show & Telll: we totally want a midnight kiss with both Sara and Kathleen. YUM!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Sixty Six
Mazel Tov Cocktail
Trailers & Mo

Poor little Bernie (newbie Gregg Sulkin), not only does he look like My Three Sons‘ resident dork Ernie (who juss got his second bit of TWS love in a week!), but his fantasy of having the Bar Mitzvah to end all Bar Mitzvahs is in deep trouble when it’s scheduled for the same day and time as the World Cup Final of 1966. It also doesn’t help matters when his dad’s (Eddie Marsan, back where he belongs in a British drama after playing a baddie in Hancock) corner grocery store closes and he no longer has the funds for hours of hors d’Å“uvre. Everyone keeps reassuring him (including Helena Bonham Carter, doing charity work as the hottiest goth-ish goy Jewish mom EVER) that there’s nothing to worry about and how unlikely it will be for England (that year’s Cup’s host country) to make it to the champ
ionship game. Well, this wouldn’t really be a movie worth making had the English not gone all the way (shown in crisp b&w footage), so you can probably guess how well attended his rite of Jewish passage ends up being. This sometimes schmaltzy and mostly bittersweet tale is nice little break from all the other summer fluff out there, and what really allows it to come alive is the fact that it was actually inspired by director Paul Weiland‘s own tragic Bar Mitzvah’s run in with the World Cup

Paul’s Boutique: the Beatles opened up a shop to sell hippy crap in late 1967. within six months (exactly 2 years to the day of that ’66 World Cup final) the place closed for bidness and opened the doors for people to take whatever they wanted

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

America The Beautiful
Mutiny On The Beauty
Trailers & Mo

America is obsessed with beauty and it’s the media’s fault! Not really a groundbreaking statement (unless this was 1908), but that’s the gist of Darryl Roberts‘ bare bones documentary that’s poorly shot, too broad and juss way too long. Roberts finds a perfect subject that sums up his point in a 6-foot tall, 12-year-old in over her head model (Gerren Taylor) and her Dina Lohanish mum, but squanders his focus elsewhere with other topics (make-up has chemicals in them!!!) and talking heads (the Vagina Monologues LADY!!) that don’t really do anything except reinforce the first sentence in this review and use more percentages than the game show Playing The Percentages. DR, trim this sucker down to an hour and throw it on TV, not the big screen, and then maybe you’ll have a thing of beauty

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

(on) all four(s) films open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…