Thighs Wide Shut

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
You Don’t Have To Bother Seeing The Zohan
Trailers & Mo

We’ve waited a long time for one of those good ole fashioned Adam Sandler comedies to hit theaters, and the wait will have to continue as his latest, You Don’t Mess With The Zohan, is juss another waste of time handed in from team Happy Madison. You’d think with a script co-written by Sandler, Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow that they’d come up with something presentable, but 8 minutes of total laughs outta almost 2 hours of eye-rolling nonsense doesn’t really add up to much viewing pleasure (besides looking at Emmanuelle Chriqui, a Jewish gal playing Zohan’s Palestinian forbidden love interest). To make splatters worse, a film aiming for Arab-Israeli harmony turns out to be highly insensitive and offensive, and reinforces awful Middle Eastern stereotypes one flat joke at a time (although we’re guessing Goys will find sum humor in it). It also doesn’t help your ‘can’t we all just get along‘ cause (or laugh dept) when you have Rob Schneider playing an Arab taxi driver. Bi the gay, without Sandler, would Scheider be able to pay his bills?

Anywho, Sandler plays Zohan, a hummus loving (he even uses it as toothpaste! hardy har har) Israeli super agent (complete with a Moshe Dayan poster hanging in his pad) whose secret desire is to become a hairdresser like Paul Mitchell in America. He fakes his death (don’t ask, and you shouldn’t care) and heads to New York under a new name, Scrappy Coco (the name alone is a dead giveaway of how lame this film is). Stuff happens, but nothing really happens, as cameo after cameo gets piled inbetwixt. We get to see Chris Rock, Sulu, Michael Buffer, Mariah Carrey, Dave Matthews and even Mrs Garrett, but they do nothing to help this peace of sh%t (car)

The concept of Sandler as a horny foreign hairdresser is one worth running with, but they should left the political and cultural ideas completely out of the picture. He’s actually quite good in the role, yet one can’t help comparing it to another stranger who came to our strange land with much better results. That stranger is Borat, and you’d be better off rewatching his film (or the bits from Da Ali G Show) that actually has something to say about our society, instead of insulting it. You may also want to czech out the lil Spanish film Only Human (Seres Queridos) [TWS glowing review], which is a much more poignant, and hispecially funnier look at Jews, Muslims and love

Israeli Ido: Sandler’s on-screen Israeli-American buddy Ido Mosseri is the Hebrew voice for Israel’s Spongebob Squarepants

Jews Or Lose: Donna Feldman and Yamit Sol (aka ימית סול) not only play two Jewish hotties in the film, but they actual are ones in real life!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Mother of Tears
(La Terza Madre)
Turn This Mother Out
Trailers & Mo

We’ve never seen a film by Italian (supposed) horror master Dario Argento, but we have ogled for many hours at his daughter Asia, who recently can be seen on one of the bestest and barely SFW movie posters of the year. The two have paired up for the fourth time on Mother of Tears, which is the final film in his ‘Three Mothers’ trilogy that began with Suspiria and was followed by Inferno. There’s not much to say about this final installment other then that it isn’t very good or all that scary (besides the thought of Dario filming his daughter showering). However, through all the shock and schlock on display, it is kinda sorta unintentionally (?) hilarious (gawd bless you Udo Kier). Maybe they shoulda hired Dario to direct Zohan instead of Ronald Miller’s father from Can’t Buy Me Love

Death Race 2008: according to Cinemorgue, Asia Argento and her half-sister Fiore have died in movies a combined 5 times. That’s 1 death behind the total amount set by Dario’s long term partner and mother of Asia, Daria Nicolodi (who plays Asia’s already deceased mom in Tears)

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinking Badges

Zohan will be playing at theater near Jews this Friday, while Tears will open in limited release

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

bid on Bill Cosby’s oogly Cosby Show sweaters in the name of charity [BJNewms]

Bad Sweater Guy

alternate coffin endings to last week’s Lost season finale

confetti on foreheads are so in. Juss ask Coldplay’s Chris Martin

non US hottie Rosamund Pike decides that dudes who wear red shades are not worth marrying

Pam Beesly answers your questions, and no, she’s not dating John Krasinski in real life, or Dan in real life

Altavista’s handy Babel Fish website and text translator is now Yahoo’s

Chinese FHM spread with like wicked hot chicks doing stuff AND things!

wine tasting never looked so good [NSFW]

How Do You Spell Numbnuts?

and how’d we forget to bid adieu and forks out to the flyest Anne Boleyn of (blue) balls thyme, Natalie Dormer?

hopefully this NSFW clip of her having sex in the woods with Henry the VIII will make up for it

The Raconteurs
Terminal 5
May 31st

[mo pics from roxxan23]

The Raconteurs are easily the greatest side project band that isn’t really a side project band. We’re sure in Jack White’s mind that the White Stripes will always be first and foremost, but we bet he has a lot more fun kicking it with three talented fellas (including Brendan Benson, who’s voice is a perfect complement to White’s) than watching Meg’s main talent, her boobs, bounce up and down (seen here in all their NSFW fake glory ). Anywho, we caught the Racs the other night at the newish Terminal 5 venue, which is a purty amazing place despite being one giant fire hazard when exiting. Their new yumcredible album, Consolers Of The Lonely [buy], rocks a lot more than their debut, and thus it was no real sirprize that their show rocked a lot more than when we saw em at Lolla back in the ‘006. These babies are on the level, so if you haven’t given in yet, there’s no butter thyme than now

additional coverage of their three NY shows can be found at Modern Age & B-Vegan

we didn’t get to see a screening of Sex And The City, and since we weren’t really a fan of the series, don’t expect a review anytime soon. It looks like a rental anyways, since the only special effects on display was the work done on Kim Cattrall’s face. Too bad they didn’t hire ILM to make Sarah Jessica Parker look less like a horse or Mitch from Real Genius. If you want a review, czech out Roger Ebert’s, who’s quite curious about how female dogs masturbate

Stuck
The Ultimate Car Trouble
Trailers & Mo

Life seems to be going quite well for Brandi (Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari, exposing more of her 9-head here sporting cornrows). That is of course until she’s driving home late one night, floating on ecstasy, and hits newly homeless schlub Tom (oldy schlub supreme, Stephen Rea) with her car. It’s one thing to hit someone with your car, but it’s another to have them stuck in your windshield after doing so. Panic sets in, and instead of doing the right thing, by taking an unconscious Tom to the hospital, Brandi decides to park the car in her garage and leave him stuck in her windshield until she can think of something better to do with him. Tom eventually comes to, and pleads with Brandi to help him. She rebuffs his requests and even places the blame on him, by saying over and over, ‘Why are you doing this to me?‘. Doing this to her? He can’t even do anything for himself trapped in cracked glass. She leaves him be in the garage and Tom tries his best to attract outside attention, with little to no results. Brandi, still in a tizzy, enlists the help of her drug peddling boyfriend Rashid (scene stealer Russell Hornsby), who’s only real suggestion is to get rid of the body. The back and forth frantic antics between the threesome will keep you on the edge of your seat, and may make you cover your eyes, as it does get a bit gory, but unexpectedly, it’s all rather hilarious. We haven’t had this much fun at the movies all year. So go head, let Stuck get stuck on you, which shouldn’t be confused with the decent Farrelly Bros film

Stranger Than Friction: all of this sounds kinda redonkeylous, but the movie ripped its plot straight from a real-life headline, while tweaking the outcome a bit to make quite a sirprizing little suspense film. The Smoking Gun has got some papers on the actual affair

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Foot Fist Way
You’re The Semi-Best Around
Trailers & Mo

Ever imagine what it would be like if the Rex Kwon Do bits from Napoleon Dynamite was turned into a full-length feature film? We’re sure this thought hasn’t crossed many peoples minds, but for those who have or who find the idea worth investigating you’ll find much delight in The Foot Fist Way (juss to clarify, this isn’t a Rex Kwon Do spin-off movie). While it may be low on plot and budget, it scores mightily high on laughs thanks to its star and co-writer Danny R. McBride (looks like Liev Schreiber with a mustache), who’s baby steps away from stardom, turning up elsewhere this summer in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. McBride plays Fred Simmons, the owner and proprietor of a North Carolina strip-mall taekwondo center and self-proclaimed ‘King of the Demo’ (here he is on Conan demonstrating). Fred’s going through a rough patch, after his bimbette wife gave a hand-job to her boss, and he’s taking it out on everyone, including his students. Things don’t get much better when his hero, a Hollywood action star that looks like a cross between Chuck Norris and Iggy Pop, turns out to be an absolute zero. Foot Fist will probably have a great second life once it hits DVD (boo-ray, downloads, etc), but for those who felt kicked in the groin by Mamet’s Redbelt [TWS review], this will be a welcome kick back and enjoy joint

It’s Almosy Jhoon Already: if you watch one local ghetto TV commercial today, or any day for that splatter, make it Jhoon Rhee’s taekwondo spot

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Strangers
More Goosey Than Bumpy
Trailers & Mo

A pretty young couple (Liv Tyler & Scott Speedman) are spending the evening at a family retreat deep in the woods. Right as they’re about to kiss and make-up over some early night rifting, a knock comes on the door. IT’S A STRANGER, looking for someone who doesn’t live at that address. The couple close the door and assume that that was that and that nothing else would come of that. TAKE THAT, cause they were damn wrong about that! The stranger and two other stranger friends, all wearing creepy masks (and juss in case you didn’t know, masks are always creepy, even the ones in Police Academy 3 – Back in Training were creepy von creepstein), play a snail’s pace game of cat and mouse with the couple in and around the house. The early scare build ups are good, but by the film’s midpoint, they plateau instead of finishing the job of makin
g us shiz our pants. Think of The Strangers as a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-lite. It attempts to emulate the master of all horror movies, supposedly also being inspired by true events like how Massacre loosely based itself on killer Ed Gein’s human flesh loving doings, but it turns out more like Funny Games (which we didn’t see) with a lot less talking and action. Nonethebreast, it works decently enuff to watch as a scary movie, as it’s more realistic than the slasher porn that keeps filling up theaters in this day and rage

Book Em Dano: the scariest darn books wees read as kids, which weren’t by Richard Scarry, were the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series. Here’s a bunch o scanned images from the books, including our fav, ‘The Viper‘

Verdictgo: a low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Savage Grace
Mother Dreariest
Trailers & Mo

Waiting 19 years for a new Indiana Jones adventure didn’t seem like such a long time compared to waiting 16 for Tom Kalin to follow-up on his brilliant debut Swoon, about the sexually-charged killers Leopold and Loeb. Lucas and Spiels had plenty of other projects that kept them busy in the interim, while Kalin filled his time by directing a bunch of shorts and art installation projects that none of us have seen. Savage Grace FINALLY finds the director back in his chair, barking up the same tree as he did with Swoon, a dramatized real-life (yes, the third film on today’s docket) period piece about a famous murder involving cosmopolitan socialites. The style is all there, in crisp color and lucious settings, but the unfolding of the events leading up to Barbara Daly Baekeland(Julianne Moore)’s murder by the son she nurtured in all the wrong ways (including incest!) doesn’t really bite as hard as it should of. As is the case with Dr Jones, it was still nice to have Kalin return to the screen even if the results didn’t exactly hold up to its promise

Tu Again: Elena Anaya was the only woman we fell for in the Adam Brody poopstain In The Land of Women [TWS review]. And as the saying goes, once bitten forever smitten, especially since she shows up in Grace, thankfully, continuing in her NSFW body of work (pun intended), without clothes!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Strangers is playing at theater near Jews, while the other three open in limited release today

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

We’re currently oversaturated with movies about the war over in Iraq, and not enough about how it effects us back home. While Grace Is Gone may be as basic as any made for TV movie you’d find on basic cable, it’s still a touching little story about a husband whose wife is killed in battle and must figure out how to pick up the pieces, and eventually tell their two daughters that mommy aint coming home. The girls are adorable, herspecially the eldest (Shélan O’Keefe, who looks like a female Paul Dano) and it was a pleasure to see John Cusack act in a role that doesn’t require him to be an adult Lloyd Dobler. Be sure to check out the bonus feature that shows where the film drew its inspiration from

As for the best doc Oscar winner of ’85, The Times of Harvey Milk is REQUIRED viewing before anyone sees the facts and fiction get mixed in van Sant’s upcoming biopic, where Sean Penn will play Milk, California’s first openly gay elected official, who was assassinated along with San Francisco’s mayor George Moscone in 1978

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

not even the can hater hates Laura Harring’s cans, especially after seeing her breast ever NSFW work in Mulholland Drive [video|images]

the heat is on Brett Ratner who may direct Beverly Hills Cop 4, which is about Axel Foley going undercover in the Kingdom of the Crystal Meth Lab

…although it has a shot at being a bit more watchable than Ouija Board: THE MOVIE

Indiana Jones inspiration was a Nazi?

Wladimir Klitschko vs Borat

Uwe Boll’s in the hot seat, but won’t be directing a Tetris movie

killer time killer: watch Twin Peaks at yer desk for free

Dan Steinberg is just like the rest of us, he also has trouble spelling ‘Laveraneus’

somewhere out there Samuel L Bronkowitz is creaming in his jeans peeping these hot pics of Shay Laren and Ashlynn Brooke in a shower [NSFW]

former PMOY Karen McDougal fan art [Spencer For Hires Root Beer]

oops, he crapped his pants

…maybe he ate one too many Edible Anuseses [SFW via News of the Weird]

&

ecto-jazzum [NSFW via ffix1975]