Thighs Wide Shut

• Looks like we’ve almosdef reached the end of the road in Chimpmunk Lynndieland, but it’s never too late for Doing a Lynndie!

• Why does Ho-han looks like a frumpy dumpy microwaved version of Natalie Portwine, and other pics from the 7th Annual Young Hollywood Awards. One of our Thighs Spies was there and although there was much hotness abound, our agent could not help but be thighsmerized by the young talent of 15-year old Hayden Panettiere. And what kinda lass name is dat? Is it a place u can eat pressed sandwiches or is it a place to buy panties? Story to be legally followed up in 3 years time.

• Martin wants to be a FREE-MAN from comedies!!!@#$$$ “One can only hope for a part as a paedophile child killer to break out of it.”

• I’m afraid of Americanzzzzz.

• Wow!

• No!

• Who is this Trent guy anywayz? Why do people keep asking him questions? And should I be scared that he has me surrounded by men wit der shirts off?

• The Ten Best Lesbian Scenes in Mainstream Movies. Twat, no LOVE for the Mulholland hotties? [NSFWness via G-zilla]

• Jenny Wilbanks bitched @ swirthy with crazy Brazilian-eyed girl? [call via Guns n Rosenthal]

• MySpace’s myspace is lame-o. How cum I can’t make myself my own bestest friend? I have so much in common with me!! But dat doesn’t mean that you can’t all be my friends and send me wet hot american emails!

• It’s been only 2 days since we last saw each other, but Cuthy’s still round & hittin the town, while I’m busy making the world safe for animated rape porn. Althoughski I would have loved to hold hands with my main squeeze-box, I am kinda glad I got to skip out on Paris Hilton’s wax figure unveiling at NYC’s Mad Two-Swads. I mean, she’s made of wax to begin with. Picture proof positive…

• Wees got a New Public Enemy #1 of Thighland: Cuthbert’s Dad, for banning our lovely lass from ever stripping! The dude easily replaced Alba’s dad.

• And if that’s the case, is she the REAL Her Royal Thighness?

• Listen to Katie Holmes’eses dad blab about Tom! By the way he sounds, you’d think he was dating TC. [via Megbot]

• Andy Rooney dogs on the TB Devil Rays. Is there a greater American than him?

• CLAIRE DANES LIVES!!!

• Yummy Catalina Sandino Moreno to star in movie about things that are yummy.

• Pictures of Narnia

• I can dig on dis.

• Will Conan replace his sword with a guitar that shoots bullets?

• Sodersnooze times 6. Gag me with some poon.

• Hopefully the Mould isn’t mouldy.

• Without the sunglasses and corn, this is what I look like. Also, I have the the personality of Seth Cohen and the heart of Ryan Atwood. I may juss be the perfect man.

• Damn you all to hell Chewbacca. You are such a whore. Why can’t you be more like R2-D2, who loves boobies!

• Mr & Mrs DataWhat? point out even more similarnessness between Starship Troopers and Firefly (the thing that came before the Serenity flick). Apparently, when they filmed the TV pilot, and were in dire need of military-e lookin uniforms for the bad-guys, Fox simply wiped the dust off sum of dem ones the Starship Troopers rocked, and presto, problem solved! Bitched @ Swirth indeed! By the gay, every movie or TV show would be that much better if they utilized Casper Van’s bum [NSFW]. Related: even more copy cats.

• Home of the WOPR Part II? More like a WOPR with cheese!

• Anyone else fell like humping rabbits?

• When two becomes 1

• The Airfare Blog. Look for the pull-down menu fo YO city. NYers click here. [via Itzr Richie Richard]

• I’ve joined MySpace. Feel free to bother me.

• That is so 11th grade.

• So, who wants to drive me to Gizmos & Gadgets?

• PontiFFahrvergnügen. I don’t speak German, but whatever that means, can’t be funny.

• …and now a random fact about Vin Diesel: [keep refreshin via Gid]

• Rtm86

• Pink is the New Blog [via Gorilla Mask]

and three gems from Zach de la Roachclip…

• The Llama Song

• Hippo eats dwarf?

and

House of Wax Screenin’
Tribeca Film Festival
12:00 AM Sunday, May 1st, 2005
The Greatest Midnight Mt Everest?

But what of the movie tiself? I muss say to my sirprize, Wax is one of the mos deffest enjoyable horror flickez since Scream (full review a’cumin’). OK, I may be a bit biased, but wasn’t Len too? The poo of recent remakes, like Gus van Psycho, Michael Bay’s Massacring of the Texas Chainsaw, and Amityville Van Wilder, combined can’t even provide the scares, stares, and jumpin out of chairs that House of provides. And the audience seemed to agree… esp when Chad Michael Melvin Harold Jerry Philbert Baxter Murray Hill took off his shirt, in the film, not in the theater, which if it had happened would’ve sparked riots from all the 12 year old grrrrls in attendance.

Afterwards, the popanazis and my staff took some fab shots of Paris, Rob Downey Jr, and the gruesome twosome of Kelly Osbourne and Lizzie Grubman (unfortch, couldn’t get one of those) leaving the theater. And o course, despite all the decrees I passed, the media defied my wishes and tried to take some snaps of yer beloveded King and Queen, before I threatened them with a knife and wooden mallet. Lettuce juss say that dem Richard Avedon wannabes didn’t live to see end of Passover (which is today at sunset for anyone who cares)…

• Worst call Mt Everest: For the safety and security of the girls who are selling cookies, Girl Scout Cookies are not available for purchase online. Den good thang dem girls were in my office’s lobby this week, where I snagged meself 2 boxes of Do-Si-Dos and 2 of Samoas. 4 boxes? I’m so em-bare-arsed. That is well below par for my usual 9-12 box purchase. I hope the Girl’s org doesn’t fold caus of this. Anywho, the Samoa juss celebrated its 30th anniversary!! Maybe we all should fry us some Fried Samoas® Shrimp in honor of this event! Or how bout learnin’ a lil G-Scout Cookie History. What u gotz Boy Scouts?

• Don’t Panic, cause I caught a screening of Hitchhiker’s Guide last nite and it FORKING ROCKED!! Howevski, if you didn’t read the book or haven’t prepared yerself for the zaniness that will ensue, you may not enjoy it tat all. Full review 4th-e-e-cummings, but in the meantime, peep Ebert’s.

• “Boring, boring, boring. If you want dirt, I’m not your girl.” Can it be Katelando SnoozBloosworth? Nope.

• Amen, Skeeter. And now that I’m frynally watching the 1st season on DVD, I’m beginning to see the light/understand why this season can be seen as such a poop stain.

• Fo-shizzle my Archdukes.

• Free passes to House of Wax in various cities

• On second thought, Zooma doesn’t look like such a zzzzz anymo!

• More on the Royal Consort of Thighland

• Remember, it was PAUL who broke up the Beatles, not Yoko. Who needs em anyway, the dude was already dead!

• I think I stopped watchin’ round 300. Note to Matt, Doh’nt make any more eps, PLEASE. This is worser than Jordan on the Wizards.

• Lindsay Lohan IS Ann-Margret

• Avril Levine IS Michael Jackson

• LCD Soundsystem IS AWFUL!

• I hear Wolfman’s got nards.

• Blast From the Past: Gay Robots

• Coachella set times are posted. Note to those going: The Fiery Furnaces are playing outdoors and not in a smelly tent so you have no eggscuse snot to peep them and their lovely lovelyness.

• I wonder what Dawson and Pacey think of this???#@?! Well, the peep-holes hath spoken.

• LOHAN ACCUSED OF SURGICALLY ENHANCING LIPS

• Lettuce all pray (you too womensz) that Alba changes her stance about nudity when Sin City 2 & 3 get going.

• Ricky G’s Extras has been picked up stateside by The BO! [via Zeit]

• Steve Hartman’s yard sale

• Anyone else miss ‘the early days of Paige Six: posting smutty pictures‘?

• Free passes in various cities for Cinderella Man

• Gov’mint trying again with the dollar coin. Boo-urns to that! At least they realized that no one wants a woman on our coins. Sorry bizatches, but tits true!!

• Bid on Lunch with Paul Simon and Chevy Chase at Gramercy Tavern. And maybe you can call them (p)Al. [via The Gum]

• Ladies of Star Trek [via Gorilla Masq]

• The Big Easel

• Louis Armstrong’s ‘Oops, I Did It Again’ [via Itz Richy]

• Zoo Wants Chimp To Stop Smoking

• Bestest Coz quote of ’05: “Yooooooouuuu seeeeee, me Dizzzzeee think that this is a flazzication of numerous tumorous flizzumations! And your association with the assassination of Haitian nations is both bozzle worthy and flozzum and jetsum like George Jetson!!! Theoooooo!!!“

• Some People juss have no taste. Julia Oral Roberts as yer cover girl? What the fork has she dunn all year? Spankfully not act in movies. MONA LISA SNOREZZzzz!! Wellie, they at least gots some of dem right, but here’s my list of the Top 50 Mos Hottiestest People (in pardickular order): Jude Law, Peabs & Coz, Mandy & Dinty Moore, Alba, Falkor & his sister Mischa, Joe Gibbs, Gabrielle Union, Clive Owen, Uncle Ben, Miranda Otto, Ziyi Zhang Ziyi, Wink Martindale, Rachael Ray, Charlton Heston, Jane Jetson, Tom Welling, Lukas Haas, Brande Roderick, Diego Luna, John Stossel’s mustache, my mum & dad, Camilla Belle, Pat O’Brien, Monica Blue-cheese [NSFW], Eleanor and Matt Friedberger (the real FFs), Keira ‘I spank of u’ Knightley, Martin Freeman, Natalie Portwoman, Brad from ‘Hey Dude’, Peter/Liam/Noel Gallagher’s eyebrows (all count as one person), Marcia Cross, Numa Numa dude, Mayor McCheese, Judge Reinhold, Devon ‘The Owl’ Aoki, Ignatius J. Reilly, Kate Boosworth & Orlando Boo, Tippi Hedren, the Utz girl, Neil Diamond, the Kid, Jessica Fletcher, Eric Thomann, that foxy Maid Marion from Disney’s Robin Hood, and duhvs course, yer Royalistic King & Queen of Thighland…

[more pics here]