Thighs Wide Shut

[Tasty Celeb, NSFW]

further Digbeing on Emma Rigby:

Emma Rigby Takes Some Hot Swimsuit Pictures
Hollyoaks Babes 2007 Calendar
a part of the very first Fap Five
Lady With The Spinning Head

Tropic Thunder
The Perfect Storm
Trailers & Mo

If you haven’t heard about Tropic Thunder by now, you’ve probably been living under a rock or living in Iraq. Well, for those who fall under them two sedimentary categories, this film is a film within a film in the process of being filmed, although some of the events in the film are actually happening, within the film’s world of reality, yet the actors playing actors think it’s all for the film (to put in simply, it’s a Vietnamese ¡Three Amigos!). A confusing mouthful to spray the least, but this baby’s all about self-reflexivity (the faux trailers at the beginning rival the ones in Grindhouse), and moist importantly, unleashing the hilarity, at the expense of the Hollywood Studio system. After an endless summer of middling (Step Brothers, Love Guru) to mostly forgettable comedies (Zohan, Get Smart and Pineapple Express), Tropic Thunder roars in, offending in all the right ways, as the sharpest laff riot we’ve had the pleasure of seeing seen since last year’s Death At A Funeral and Hot Fuzz

You know ya got something mighty special on hand when both Ben Stiller (playing the blue chip actioneer Tugg Speedman, who’s desperately seeking respectability) and Jack Black’s (farting it up as Jeff Portnoy, a Eddie Murphy/Chris Farley love-wild-child) overacting doesn’t over do it, like it has in the last 7 annoying comedies they’ve appeared in. Stiller’s stellar work in particular (also the film’s director and co-writer, along with Justin Theroux?) restores his status as the modern day king of satire (at least until ZAZ relearn how to be funny), last put on glorious display in Zoolander and seen at it’s all time bestness on the short-lived, but long-loved The Ben Stiller Show (we wished he was able to fit the ‘Platunes’ musical number from Oliver Stoneland in somehow)

The film also contains strong performances from Nick Nolte (duh), Matthew McConaughey (finally taking a break from all the rom-com crap, as Stiller’s agent), Tom Cruise (sure to be a crowd favorite as the balding greedy studio boss, who cusses a lot… the cussing isn’t funny, but seeing Tom Cruise out of his element is) and lesser known talents Brandon T. Jackson (the Booty Sweat guzzling Alpha Chino) and Jay Baruchel (straightman Kevin Sandusky), who do a fine job keeping up with the big names on the poster. Steve Coogan (the film within the film’s short-lived director) and Danny McBride (the F/X guru) make less of an impression here, but then again, there’s not enuff room for everyone to shine when Robert Downey Jr (Aussie chameleon Kirk Lazarus, donning some Al Jolson blackface and spurting many a blaxploitation isms) is chewing up a majority of the scenery. Like with Iron Man, Tropic Thunder would be a solid movie w/o the services Downey, but it’s elevated to new heights with him at the forefront. Mos comedies get overlooked come Oscar time, but RDJr’s work is so unbelievable (we shook our heads in disbelief for every frame he was in) that he will rightfully deserve any recognition that’s coming to him for being ‘the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!‘

National Lampoon: Downey and Stiller both appeared in another Hollywood satire called That’s Adequate. By the looks of the trailer, it doesn’t look adequate enuff to watch on BetaMax. Fo further Thunder madness check out Rain of Madness

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Clone Wars
The Clone Lamer
Trailers & Mo

The Clone Wars is the second cartoon called The Clone Wars, which chronicles the much mo interesting events that lie between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, cept this one is less cartoonish than the first set and more CGI heavy/muddled like the recent movies. It’s basically the first three episodes of the series that will air this fall on Cartoon Network and this serves as one giant marketing campaign for it. If you were a fan of the new films (today’s youth and adults with no taste) and their pop corny dialog, you’ll probably eat up this expansion of the Star Wars universe (sirprizingly the script was not written by Lucas, although it’s equally as refarted as anything he’s done), but for the rest of us Ep I-III detractors
, this is juss more bantha poodoo that will make you want to throw up and wish that we never grew up

You can juss tell that something’s amiss right off the bat when it begins with a Warner Bros logo instead of the infamous 20th Century Fox one, and in lieu of the famous yellow crawl (make your own here) we get (mis)treated to a voice over that reeks of game over. While we do see some familiar faces, and hear some familiar voices (Christopher Lee, Samuel L Jackson and Anthony Daniels are the only ones who lent their talents), all the new stuff blows more goats than Yaddle. Obviously this stuff is aimed more towards the kiddies (herspecially the female ones), but is that any eggscuse to introduce the two mos awful and irksome characters since Jar Jar Stinks? First there’s Anakin’s female Padawan Ashoka (voiced like she was Hannah Montana by David Eckstein’s wife), who calls the elder Skywalker ‘Sky Guy’ and often refers to R2-D2 as ‘Artooie’. URGH, what the frak is this, Jedi Teletubbies? And then there’s Jabba The Hutt’s gay uncle (or is it aunt) Zero The Hutt. He/she is dressed like a Mardi Gras whore and apparently is the third character to strap on Truman Capote’s nasally voice in as many years. It’s the mos unforgiving and laffable thing to hit this galaxy since Padme showed her future hubby the holophotos of her playing with walrus children (Lucas was right, for once, to delete the scene). All in all, it’s still Star Wars-related, so it is semi-watchable, but this new venture will probably work a lot better when it hits the small screen, so until then, feel free to sith thru this rubble

Space Pirate Booty: Padme’s curves were nicely drawn (although not as nice as they is in these NSFW shizies), and the face behind her voice, Catherine ‘Cat’ Taber, needs to have her face, and body shown a lot/hot more

Faptooine 4eva!

Verdictgo: Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Fly Me To The Moon
Winged Degradation
Trailers & Mo

Fly Me To The Moon is billed as the first ever animated movie for 3-D. Guess we’ll have to wait for the second feature to add the adjective ‘good’ into that sentence. Not that this 3-D adventure of three flies sneaking onto Apollo 11’s journey to the moon isn’t cool to gape at (for the first 5 or so minutes, before the novelty starts to wear off), but it’s juss that the flies don’t make for very engaging characters to care about. The filmmakers may have been better off if they ditched the pests altogether (or have Mr Miyagi swat them with chopsticks) and instead concentrate on the astronauts (Buzz Aldrin‘s voice adds a bit of authenticity to the project). Actually, parents may be better off showing their kids something with real substance and wonder like the top doc In The Shadow of The Moon. There is one thing monumental about the project and it has nothing to do with it’s dimension: Christopher Lloyd finally gets to become a member of the McFly family, adding his vocals for the Grampa McFly character

Hot Buzz: we often tout Ali G’s interview with Aldrin, where he informs him about horses on Venus, but lest we forget about his yumcredible cameo in the Simpsons‘ ep ‘Deep Space Homer’

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Thunder opens everywhere today, while Wars and Moon will open this Friday at a theater near Jew

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Forbidden Kingdom
A Misfortune Cookie
Trailers & Mo

Jet Li AND Jackie Chan, finally together, in the SAME MOVIE!?!?! WOWZERS! That’s probably how we woulda felt if the year was 1998, not 2008, but netter bate than lever, eh? Not so much. Directed by the guy that brought us two Stuart Littles, The Haunted Mansion and was an animator on many a Disney projects, you can probably guess at how KICK ASS this movie could possibly be. You guessed correctly, NOT MUCH AT ALL! No one’s seeing a movie like this for the story, so all the pressure rests on the action… and the action is more played out than 3-year old Play-Doh. Yuen Woo-ping (The Matrix dude)’s fight choreography has now become about as exciting as watching the paid programming on C-Span 4 (please note there is no such thing as C-Span 4). To make matters worse, it’s almost all in English, and we all know that Li and Chan’s mastery of the language is about as proficient as this website is. And to make splatters even worser, they had to throw an American kid obsessed with Kung-fu into the mix, we presume to appeal to a wider audience. The kid, played lamely by Michael Angarano, is supposed to be from Boston, but he doesn’t have an accent and more importantly, any bidness being in this. In the flick, the characters have to go through something called ‘a gate of no gate‘, so using their refarted terminology, this is a movie of no movie, and we forbid you to see it

In America, It’s Bling Bling: but out here it’s BINGBING, as in Li Bingbing. YUM!!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

88 Minutes
Brainless In Seattle
Trailers & Mo

Leelee Sobieski, Benjamin McKenzie, Neal McDonough, William Forsythe, Deborah Kara Unger and (the beyond delicious) Alicia Witt. All of these actors were once seen as rising stars and all of these actors are falling even faster now that they’ve joined Al Pacino in 88 Minutes, one of the least thrilling thrillers of recent memory. From the opening murder scene, you can juss tell that this baby is dead on arrival (sorta pun intended?). It’s clunky, doesn’t make a lick of sense, and is purty much an entire movie consisting of Al Pacino running around Seattle (or is it Vancouver made to look like Seattle?), telling his assistant Amy Brenneman to do 324882 tasks, and occasionally being shot at. Why is he being shot at and not the director or the screenwriter? Dunno, but we do know that Pacino has 88 minutes to live. Sadly the movie is 20 minutes longer than the title, and each time the killer calls Al to remind him how much longer he has left to live, the killer keeps reminding the viewers how much longer we have to endure watching this crap

Double Trouble: Pacino’s worked with the number 88 before, Mandy Patinkin played 88 Keys, the piano player in Dick Tracy. He’s also going to work with DeNiro and director Jon Avent again, in Heat 2 Righteous Kill. Be afraid, be very afraid!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

The Life Before Her Eyes
Fairy-fail Ending
Trailers & Mo

Apparently director Vadim Perelman loves a good flick where awful horrible awful things happen to its main characters. If you saw his brilliant debut House of Sand and Fog (the original pairing of Behrooz and his mum) you know of what diarrhea we diarrhea of. Well olde Vad is at it again with his sophomore effort, The Life Before Her Eyes, and this time he’s bringing the pain Columbine style. The story revolves around loose girl Evan Rachel Wood and her polar opposite BFF, bible loving Eva Amurri (the second coming of her MILF ), who get caught up in the crossfire and one of them ends up dead. Flash to the future, where ERW is growns up and is played, unconvincingly, by Uma Thurman. Everything seems purty good for her with hubbie and kid, but as we keep shuttling back and forth from the past and present, we start to learn that maybe all is not so swell. The scenes with Wood and Amurri are poetic and moving. The ones with Thurman, poor and made us want to move outta the theater. And then there’s the final scenes. We won’t say what happens, but we will say that there’s a twist as incredibly nonsensical as Haute Tension‘s that every bit that came before it renders itself pointless

Cutie Patootie: Nathalie Paulding may have a bit part in the movie, but she now has a big part of our hearts! Peep this montage someone flazzumed in her honor

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Kingdom and 88 open across the country today, while Life opens in limited release

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

yous knows we have an on hard for all things Savage
but who be the mos bangable Savage of them all?

Fred? we’ll stick to watching The Wonder Years and not him taking off his underwear (and/or underoos)

Ben? his pubes are probably a lil too curly for our tastes, and who would want that boy to meet our world record lengtheded dongs?

so who can it be then?

ever hear of their older sister Kala Savage?

she’s a sometime actress (soon to appear on one of our mos flavorite shows, Aliens In America, which has had some of its eps directed by her bro) and the lead singer of the band Biirdie. we thinks they have a spelling problem, and not in the tori sense. anywho, she may not be the flyest sister of all the Hollywood acting dynasties, but we’d rather get freaky with her than with Cuthbest’s sister Lee-Ann

mo from the Savage garden…

Wonder Faps
X-Ent’s take on The Wizard
A Complete Savage
The Wonder Twilight Years
Hugestest Bears Fan of 1987 + other PBride fun
the Arnold bros reunite in toon form
Joanne Savage to receive an award for having d-bag sons
our review of The Savages
‘vs’ films that need to be made
a photochop
Savage Beach, some Skinamax flick we and our man Marvkus watched in our tween days
& that humcredible SG song where they chica-ed ‘cherry cola’… whatever the fork that meant

the only thing that was missing for us to go completely gay for Jude Law was breaststetetess

[WTF OMGZ, NSFW]

oh what, Dustin Hoffman with breastetetszzz is more your speed?

Cuthbest returns to TV as a New York literacy teacher/record store clerk who embarks on a cross-continental romance with a London stock broker. You had us at ‘literacy teacher/record store clerk’

the cave hotel [Funtasticus]

FAPtastic

wethinks this is what the Princess Bride booer looked like when she was younger

[dem legs always be so tasty, which sometimes be a lil NSFW]