Thighs Wide Shut

Where The Wild Things Are
Add Depth Tation
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

We’ve been baffled, befuddled and blindsided as to what to make of Spike Jonze‘s much more than 10 sentences movie version of Maurice Sendak’s long beloveded (which our mumsy can’t figure out why it is so) Caldecott Medal winning Where The Wild Things Are picture book. It’s inventive, audacious, dreamy, bleak, and downright boggleminding. It also happens to be the biggest big screen risk in recent memory that a studio has taken by letting Mr Jonze’s Sendak approved work play out as it is. No wonder there was a lot of fuss between the WB and the director, cause it’s a remarkable unmarketable flick

Can’t say that we truly loved it, but can’t say that we didn’t either. One thing we can say is that you should stock up on yer shrooms intake before viewing, and even if you don’t, you should still probably see it cause you’ll get juss as delirious even if yer sober. Don’t know if kids will take to this very un-PG PG pic at all, but it’s middle section, where the Wild Things actually are, is seen just like a children’s book usually reads – free flowing, with no real rhyme or reason other than to entertain the end user with a nice little moral or message. In someone else’s hands (besides Gondry or Burton, hell, let’s throw Kubrick’s name in there as well), WTWTA, would have been a disaster, so it has to be said that Jonze hit the nail on the head, even if there wasn’t exactly a blueprint on how to turn this short book into a full fledged feature (we’d love to see him go through with the aborted Harold & The Purple Crayon adaptation he planned to make… czech out this test footage)

Best way to describe what it was like to experience the imagery heavy/plot light WTWTA is thru… heavy imagery, and even more sentences than 10! we’ve rarely done this in this past, and it was only to show how awful a movie is, like VanHelSucks, or not, like The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

take one kid who looks as innocent as Elijah Wood
with a real name (Max Records) as fake as Max Powers

but make him a bit cooler, and more rambunctious
like Corey Haim and/or Corey Feldman
before theys became uncool and had a reality show

then force him to wear a pair of footie pajamas
that are less gay than Ralphie’s

topped with a Burger King crown

then have him get totally pissed at his family
cause no one has time to pay attention to him
esp his mum Catherine Keener who has to appear by contract
in any Charlie Kaufman or Kaufman-esque type movie

who dates Mark Ruffalo
who’s in the movie for like literally 39 seconds
and therefore gots like the easiest paycheck mt EVERest

then the kid runs away and somehow finds a boat
and sets sail for the cliffs of insanity!

or a rocky beach where the Goonies see the light of day!
or any sorta odd island type place ala Lost or Lord of The Flies

where he then runs thru a creepy Twin Peaks forest

that’s not as creepy as Lakeforest Mall in Gaithersburg, MD

where he meets a bunch of harry goof balls that look like
incredibly hi-tech updated versions of Chuck E. Cheese’s
animatronic house band The Pizza Time Players!

with voices that sound an awful lot like
Tony Soprano, Claire Fisher, the milkshake drinker,
that closeted gay dad from American Beauty,
the last king of Scotland and Catherine THE GREAT O’Hara
who’s name alone conjures up that one in a zillion voice

and theys also look like

Falkor and Mischa Barton

and pretty much anything else from
The Neverending Story eggcept this

although kids, incorporated or not, loves the Limhal

and then the boy and the harry and the henderson goofballs
goof around like theys was on Romper Room

and beat the fork outta each other like Romper Stomper

and then theys walk the desert

which aint got no two suns like Tatooine!!

and so theys do this stuff, and then run thru
the forest again and then the desert again

and everytime theys does, you hear some some
Polyphonic Spree type-o positive music by Karen O and The Kids
which is brilliant stuff, but is played a lil too often

and then theys build a fort

with a center consisting of a circle thingie
that looks like the New World Entertainment logo

and then the kid and the hairy things get mad at each other or something and then make up or something and then it’s time for him to go and then he does and then it ends

and another Dave Eggers penned flick that attempts to
pull at yer heart strings doesn’t really pull at anything
juss like his Away We Go did/didn’t

All Hands On Sendak: best gift for kids that we get all of our friends’ kids be the Nutshell Library, which includes our flav Sendaks, Alligators All Around, Chicken Soup with Rice, One Was Johnny, and Pierre. not so sure of their greatnesssss? then why did the wonderful Carole King lend her pipes to singing his books as Really Rosie, eh? read em, listen to her CD and feel the earth move under yer feet

Verdictgo: so effin luol dang strange, but that shouldn’t stop you from peepering this Jeepers Worth A Peepers

WTWTA opens at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Bronson
Jail Wish
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

One day in 1972, a 22 year old man named Michael Gordon Peterson was looking for a purpose in life and found it after being jailed for robbing a post office for a grand total of £26.18 (and no, that wasn’t a very large number back then). For most, the process of living is either halted or temporarily delayed when incarcerated, but for the real life Mr Peterson, who would eventually rechristen himself Charles Bronson, it had the exact opposite effect, as the English penal system somehow liberated his warped mind, taut body and soulless-soul. When he was eventually released, it didn’t take him very long to get right back to where he belonged, behind bars, and due to his unruly hostility towards other inmates and prison employees alike (he’s been dubbed the ‘most violent prisoner in Britain’), he spent a lot of that time in solitary confinement. Bronson was released a second time and didn’t last more than 2 months on the streets before being locked up again, where he’s been ever since

Nicolas Winding Refn‘s visually and aurally arresting (pun intended?) portrait of the man starts off with a bunch o’ big bangs, and as we sat there being udderly mesmerized by this auspicious beginning, we got a gut feeling that this film could end up being one of the bestest, mos inventive ones we’ve seen this decade. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. It didn’t necessarily end with a whimper, but it didn’t really seem to go anywhere cept in the same circle of mischief in which Bronson, goes pound for pound, round and round, again and again. Going nowhere may be the point, but after watching about 30 minutes of it, you kinda want to be released from it on yer own recognizance. Such a pity it turned out this way, as Tom Hardy‘s hard-boiled, no holds barred bars holds brilliant performance as the title character is as eye and thigh opening as Carey Mulligan werk in An Education

Sorry critics, but Bronson is certainly not this generation’s Clockwork Orange, no matter how much Kubricky nods Refn throws up on the screen. Plus anyone who has a cinema brain knows that our generation’s ACO has already been made. It’s called Trainspotting, and it’s the only Danny Boyle piece that truly deserves a Best Picture Oscar

MUST Stache: Bronson/Hardy’s mustache makes us want to eat Pringles and play Tapper all day long!!!

Verdictgo: moist sad to say with all the promise it had, but Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Peter And Vandy
Well, Are They or Aren’t They?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

He’s Peter (Jason Ritter)! She’s Vandy (Jess Weixler)! Together they are Peter AND Vandy! Apart they are still Peter and Vandy! This movie is about… PETER AND VANDY! Sometimes they’re deep in love, in each other’s pants, and other times fighting about nonsensical things like using two knifes to make PB&J. OH THE HUMANITY! Writer/director Jay DiPietro presents their relationship in a low-budget, non-linear, jumpy, in love, out of love manner, and without this lil style choice, P&V woulda been juss another boy meets girl, boy loses girl, enter whatever conventional love story ending you can think of type dealio here. Well, it basically is still that, even with the ‘tricks’, and that is that

Not Coming Soon To A Theater Near Jews, Muslims or Gentiles: Peter Vandy, the biopic!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Sorta Worth A Peepers, we guess?

P&V are together and apart in NY & LA today, while Bronson bides its time in NY only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we’re still game hen for Abbie Cornish

as seen in Esquire

we still want in India Reynolds [NSFW]

Thighmaster II?

Thighs Wide SHUT it!

Thighs Wide Shut, perfect for thrusting [SFW]

shirts & Skins

The History of Hockey Video Games

Trainspotting train station spotted gettin rehabbed

Time magazine mock-ups in movies

it was the best of times, it was the breast of times. OK, so there weren’t a lot of breasts to be had and fondled on our most recent trip to the ye Olde Country (didn’t happen on the last one 4 years ago neither), but that didn’t stop us from partying like a cockstar and a rockstar and a rollstar, and fulfilling our wildest wet dreams of visiting some of Kubrick’s choice Clockwork locales, and the whole reason why this trip slap-happened in the first place…

Blur
Hyde Park
July 2nd

dat’s right folks. Damon, Alex, Dave and Graham, back together again, like they always should be (all dough we didn’t so mind the Gorillaz and the Good, The Bad & The Queen side projects in the interim), belting out all klissasics in the very park that inspired the song (and album) Parklife

‘She’s So High’
‘Girls & Boys’
‘Tracy Jacks’
‘There’s No Other Way’
‘Jubilee’
‘Badhead’
‘Beetlebum’
‘Out Of Time’
‘Trimm Trabb’
‘Coffee & TV’
‘Tender’
‘Country House’
‘Oily Water’
‘Chemical World’
‘Sunday Sunday’
‘Parklife’ (with Phil Daniels!!)
‘End Of A Century’
‘To The End’
‘This Is A Low’
‘Popscene’
‘Advert’
‘Song 2’
‘Death Of A Party’
‘For Tomorrow’
‘The Universal’

all we can say to that set list to end all set lists is WOW (all dough we had our own set list in mind… see the comment at 16:44… that’s 4:44pm to us and yous, when the concert was first announced back in December), cause we really can’t remember that much else since we were more wasted than an American education, but that matters little cause we danced, like on a wave of emotion, romanced. if yer looking for a more concise wrap up from an American’s point of view, peep the Snob’s review from the show on the 3rd

if only we didn’t drink so much GAYmers pear cider cause maybe our memory wouldn’ta been in such a hazy shade of summer, but irregardless, we’d never take back the 100+ high-fives we give the blokes and the birds and the bees and the bidness

no one had any idea what our shirt meant since they don’t have Mountain Dew over there (or air conditioning or Kleenex or napkins or proper beef or Hispanic people and their fine food). odd looks were probably also had for the dudes sporting the Seahawks, NY football Giants and Phoenix Suns tees + the 2 Mets and the (current ugly) Blue Jays hats

and now for some random pics from the rest of our short and not so strange trip…

sadly no pigs or other animals were harmed in the taking of this curvy pic

people think American food sucks, well try getting a good pizza anywhere outside of the US (or Italy) and then talk to us. OK, so we’ll admit that we did eat Dominos whilst there, but we didn’t trust the English pizzerias for one second. apparently the big style over there is ‘American Hot’, cause you know how all of us crazy folks over here love the combo of hot peppers & ‘roni. hactually, maybe we should cause the Dominos version was quite tasty, but sadly their idea of an XL pizza is our equivalent of a kid’s meal

our English mate was mad pissed at us when we told him that these crumpets are what we refer to as English Muffins, which obviously doesn’t eggist in their neck of the woods. he proceeded to tie us up and throw us in some nooks and crannies and then we told him that their beef sucks and so we were even

the proper fi and chi helped to ease our need for some local ‘good’ cuisine. the mashed peas were delish, juss like yer mom’s crotch. we also had curry twice, and to be honest, it’s juss as good as we have it here. Britain’s bestest foods will always remain thier crisps (potato chips) and chocolate bars (Chomp Bars in particular)

we think this is what they call ‘Japanese food’

that’s right, Dallas is the American home of chicken AND pizza! then again, in NY we have Dallas BBQ, and those two don’t necessarily go hand in hand job with each other, so what does anyone know?

and yes, we even ate at Maccy D’s on the 4th of July, in the very same country we gained our independence from. had no idea wha the fork a Miami Melt was, but had to try it. and even if it didn’t taste like an old Jewish Cuban bottle of sun tan lotion dressed in pastels, it was still purty effin and geeing good. LONG LIVE AMERICA(n food)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we have an American friend living and working over there and he was glad to spend the 4th with another of his kind. and what would ya know, as we strolled in the Heath of Hampstead, we spotted 6 clueless UKers ‘trying’ to play American football, and being Americans, we barged right in and showed them a thing or 7 about our game. we both played QB, and both of us couldn’t get any of them to run a play. we’d be like, take 10 steps and turn around. they kept running beyond 10 steps, and by the time they turned around, they didn’t understand that you had to put your hands out in order to receive the ball. it was like playing with 2 year olds, but we’ve seen 2 year olds play better football then these fellas. but ya know what, good for them for even trying, as most of these pale people on the Isles hate American football and only like soccer cause they hate things that are really cool like endless commercial time outs and punting! it’s kinda sad how soccer is not big back home. it’s even more sad that we have a basketball league that’s called ‘professional’

and
nuttin sez HAPPY 4TH OF JULY quite like seeing Benny Andersson of ABBA fame and his kick ass beard bust out some Swedish jams in the Heath! we only caught 4 songs, but him and his folk group did play ‘I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do’. man, ABBA are truly the forking balls. they really need to reunite, for the sake of their fans, and wear those tight tight tight assed satin outfits, but not for the sake of their balls and ba’ginas

guess since this was a Swedish affair they had to cover up the fact that the meatballs are usually Italian

nope, she wouldn’t let us inspect her carpet to see if it matched the drapes

man, are our arms tired. nice to be back in the States, but England is the effin shaz-natz and if you’ve never been you owe it to yourself to (and if yer in college and can, study abroad there like we did), but don’t expect to eat like we do back here in the land of plenty… of napkins