Thighs Wide Shut

Tropic Thunder
The Perfect Storm
Trailers & Mo

If you haven’t heard about Tropic Thunder by now, you’ve probably been living under a rock or living in Iraq. Well, for those who fall under them two sedimentary categories, this film is a film within a film in the process of being filmed, although some of the events in the film are actually happening, within the film’s world of reality, yet the actors playing actors think it’s all for the film (to put in simply, it’s a Vietnamese ¡Three Amigos!). A confusing mouthful to spray the least, but this baby’s all about self-reflexivity (the faux trailers at the beginning rival the ones in Grindhouse), and moist importantly, unleashing the hilarity, at the expense of the Hollywood Studio system. After an endless summer of middling (Step Brothers, Love Guru) to mostly forgettable comedies (Zohan, Get Smart and Pineapple Express), Tropic Thunder roars in, offending in all the right ways, as the sharpest laff riot we’ve had the pleasure of seeing seen since last year’s Death At A Funeral and Hot Fuzz

You know ya got something mighty special on hand when both Ben Stiller (playing the blue chip actioneer Tugg Speedman, who’s desperately seeking respectability) and Jack Black’s (farting it up as Jeff Portnoy, a Eddie Murphy/Chris Farley love-wild-child) overacting doesn’t over do it, like it has in the last 7 annoying comedies they’ve appeared in. Stiller’s stellar work in particular (also the film’s director and co-writer, along with Justin Theroux?) restores his status as the modern day king of satire (at least until ZAZ relearn how to be funny), last put on glorious display in Zoolander and seen at it’s all time bestness on the short-lived, but long-loved The Ben Stiller Show (we wished he was able to fit the ‘Platunes’ musical number from Oliver Stoneland in somehow)

The film also contains strong performances from Nick Nolte (duh), Matthew McConaughey (finally taking a break from all the rom-com crap, as Stiller’s agent), Tom Cruise (sure to be a crowd favorite as the balding greedy studio boss, who cusses a lot… the cussing isn’t funny, but seeing Tom Cruise out of his element is) and lesser known talents Brandon T. Jackson (the Booty Sweat guzzling Alpha Chino) and Jay Baruchel (straightman Kevin Sandusky), who do a fine job keeping up with the big names on the poster. Steve Coogan (the film within the film’s short-lived director) and Danny McBride (the F/X guru) make less of an impression here, but then again, there’s not enuff room for everyone to shine when Robert Downey Jr (Aussie chameleon Kirk Lazarus, donning some Al Jolson blackface and spurting many a blaxploitation isms) is chewing up a majority of the scenery. Like with Iron Man, Tropic Thunder would be a solid movie w/o the services Downey, but it’s elevated to new heights with him at the forefront. Mos comedies get overlooked come Oscar time, but RDJr’s work is so unbelievable (we shook our heads in disbelief for every frame he was in) that he will rightfully deserve any recognition that’s coming to him for being ‘the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!‘

National Lampoon: Downey and Stiller both appeared in another Hollywood satire called That’s Adequate. By the looks of the trailer, it doesn’t look adequate enuff to watch on BetaMax. Fo further Thunder madness check out Rain of Madness

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Clone Wars
The Clone Lamer
Trailers & Mo

The Clone Wars is the second cartoon called The Clone Wars, which chronicles the much mo interesting events that lie between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, cept this one is less cartoonish than the first set and more CGI heavy/muddled like the recent movies. It’s basically the first three episodes of the series that will air this fall on Cartoon Network and this serves as one giant marketing campaign for it. If you were a fan of the new films (today’s youth and adults with no taste) and their pop corny dialog, you’ll probably eat up this expansion of the Star Wars universe (sirprizingly the script was not written by Lucas, although it’s equally as refarted as anything he’s done), but for the rest of us Ep I-III detractors
, this is juss more bantha poodoo that will make you want to throw up and wish that we never grew up

You can juss tell that something’s amiss right off the bat when it begins with a Warner Bros logo instead of the infamous 20th Century Fox one, and in lieu of the famous yellow crawl (make your own here) we get (mis)treated to a voice over that reeks of game over. While we do see some familiar faces, and hear some familiar voices (Christopher Lee, Samuel L Jackson and Anthony Daniels are the only ones who lent their talents), all the new stuff blows more goats than Yaddle. Obviously this stuff is aimed more towards the kiddies (herspecially the female ones), but is that any eggscuse to introduce the two mos awful and irksome characters since Jar Jar Stinks? First there’s Anakin’s female Padawan Ashoka (voiced like she was Hannah Montana by David Eckstein’s wife), who calls the elder Skywalker ‘Sky Guy’ and often refers to R2-D2 as ‘Artooie’. URGH, what the frak is this, Jedi Teletubbies? And then there’s Jabba The Hutt’s gay uncle (or is it aunt) Zero The Hutt. He/she is dressed like a Mardi Gras whore and apparently is the third character to strap on Truman Capote’s nasally voice in as many years. It’s the mos unforgiving and laffable thing to hit this galaxy since Padme showed her future hubby the holophotos of her playing with walrus children (Lucas was right, for once, to delete the scene). All in all, it’s still Star Wars-related, so it is semi-watchable, but this new venture will probably work a lot better when it hits the small screen, so until then, feel free to sith thru this rubble

Space Pirate Booty: Padme’s curves were nicely drawn (although not as nice as they is in these NSFW shizies), and the face behind her voice, Catherine ‘Cat’ Taber, needs to have her face, and body shown a lot/hot more

Faptooine 4eva!

Verdictgo: Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Fly Me To The Moon
Winged Degradation
Trailers & Mo

Fly Me To The Moon is billed as the first ever animated movie for 3-D. Guess we’ll have to wait for the second feature to add the adjective ‘good’ into that sentence. Not that this 3-D adventure of three flies sneaking onto Apollo 11’s journey to the moon isn’t cool to gape at (for the first 5 or so minutes, before the novelty starts to wear off), but it’s juss that the flies don’t make for very engaging characters to care about. The filmmakers may have been better off if they ditched the pests altogether (or have Mr Miyagi swat them with chopsticks) and instead concentrate on the astronauts (Buzz Aldrin‘s voice adds a bit of authenticity to the project). Actually, parents may be better off showing their kids something with real substance and wonder like the top doc In The Shadow of The Moon. There is one thing monumental about the project and it has nothing to do with it’s dimension: Christopher Lloyd finally gets to become a member of the McFly family, adding his vocals for the Grampa McFly character

Hot Buzz: we often tout Ali G’s interview with Aldrin, where he informs him about horses on Venus, but lest we forget about his yumcredible cameo in the Simpsons‘ ep ‘Deep Space Homer’

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Thunder opens everywhere today, while Wars and Moon will open this Friday at a theater near Jew

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Iron Man
Art Favreau
Trailers & Mo

The last two summers began with movies that were more lackluster than blockbuster. 2006 brought us the overbloated and unnecessary Mission Impossible III (there shouldn’t have been a Mission Impossible I in the first place), and in 2007, the giant mess that was Spidey 3 [TWS review] got tangled up in more webs than the world wide has urls. Well set yer mind at ease cause Iron Man kicks off this summer’s crop of big budget fiascos with a mighty bang (for your buck) and not a wimpy (but we’d still gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today). It’s easily the mos enjoyable superhero extravaganza released since Spidey 2, and would you expect anything less from a flick that stars an Oscar winner (Gwyneth Paltrow), 3 other Academy Award nominees (Robert Downey Jr, Terence Howard, and Jeffery Lebowski Bridges), had script doctoring by the dudes who wrote the screenplay for Children of Men (in retrospect, we probably should have picked it as the bestest flick of 2006), is executively produced by Ralphie and features the dopest Stan Lee cameo to date? We thought snot

In a few short years, Jon Favreau has transformed himself from a (sorta) lovable loser actor into a solid director, whose specialty seems to be blending the worlds of real and fantasy. Elf and Zathura (one of the mos funnestistest titles to say out loud) were juss baby steps leading up to this confessed fanboy’s first foray into the comic book genre. He’s right at home here, and to no real sirprize, so is his star Robert Downey Jr, having oodles of fun playing a playboy zillionaire turned iron giant. We all of know RDJr’s past issues, but with solid work in 13 films since 2003 (Zodiac being the tops, obviously) he’s quickly gone from less than zero to everyone’s hero. He may seem like an unconventional choice for a film like this, but it was a choice that certainly paid off, as his performance, in our refined opinions, ranks right up there with Christopher Reeve and Adam West as best screen superheros mt EVERest. Iron Man, we give you mad RoboProps, and can’t wait to see a sequel

Iron Butterflies: the theme from the ’66 cartoon, where Tony Stark lands on Forbes‘ Fictional 15 richest list, and Ghostface ‘Ironman/Tony Stark’ Killah rumored cameo + Samuel L and Hillary Swank’s are MIA, or are they?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Fugitive Pieces
Holocaust Deficiency
Trailers & Mo

If you see one Holocaust themed film this year, you may have to wait a little longer cause this isn’t the one the to see (and we weren’t entirely sold on The Counterfeiters either [TWS review]). There’s no concentration camps to be found in this lyrical tale of an orphaned Polish kid (played later in life by Thomas Jefferson), who later finds surrogate love from a Greek geologist (Boris The Blade), but has trouble allowing himself to love others after he dies (although having sex with Rosamund Pike probably isn’t the wurstest thing to happen to a man w/o love to give). This film is unquestionable beautiful, but like its lead’s emotions, it feels kinda empty and lacks, for lack of a better word, concentration. It meanders back and forth from the past to the present, all leading up to a point where he’s finally able to make peace with his demons and open his heart to another (Ayelet Zurer, aka, Eric Bana’s hot Israeli wife in Munich). If you can get to that point and you’re still awake, we congratulate you, cause we were almost asleep in a pile of Reese’s Pieces

Exercising The Demons: Zurer can next be seen in da Da Vinci Code prequel Angels & Demons, opposite Tom Hanks (hopefully not with that hair) and Ewan McGregor

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

21
Pretty Busted
Trailers & Mo

Ben Mezrich’s book Bringing Down The House about real-life MIT students, who go from totally geek to totally chic, by counting cards and big bills in Vega$ is well worth reading. When it came time to turn it into a film, unfortunately, that title had already been used for a Steve Martin-Queen Latifah joint, so they had to change the name, and even more unfortunately, for Hollywood storytelling purposes, they changed much of what made the book so compelling. Our Asian protagonist has been replaced by an Anglo-Saxon (albeit a damn dreamy JOable one) one, all the specific rules that protected the team from getting caught have sorta been tossed to the side, and instead of having them travel to casinos across the country, the film only focuses on Vegas, and in particular to the Planet Hollywood Casino (we had no idea Planet Hollywood was still in bidness, let alone ran a gaming facility). Despite what was omitted, the film is entertaining, but it’s what was added to the story that doesn’t boat our
float (Laurence Fishburne’s disgruntled old-school eye in the sky security manager who beats people up, yet the book makes endless points of why casinos no longer bully card counters with fists + our Anglo-Saxon’s lameazoid schoolmates who know nothing of his double life and eat up way too much screentime, hispecially Josh Gad, who hands in the wurstestest movie geek/sidekick performance mt EVERest and FUJIest)

21 marks the third not-so fab screen pairing of Kevin Spacey and Kate BOOOsworth. The first two were the now forgettable Superman Returns [TWS review] and a film we dubbed ‘the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER!‘, Beyond The Sea/Watchable [TWS review]. We’re praying to Jesus AND Moses that there isn’t a fourth pairing

Swimming With Card Sharks: read the book, skip the movie, and juss enjoy the opening of the classic game show Card Sharks [vid|empee3]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Iron and Pieces open Friday, while 21 continues to play in a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Be Kind Rewind
Betamaxminimum
Trailers & Mo

Michel Gondry’s ideas are getting bigger, but his films aren’t necessarily getting better. No one would ever deny the fact that he’s a true artist, in any medium really, but then again, no one would probably admit to watching Science of Sleep [TWS review] a second time. Besides the brilliant Eternal Sunshine [WS review], none of his other films have hit the nail on the head, only getting a passing grade cause they’re so cool to watch (DP’s Block Party doesn’t count). Be Kind Rewind is juss the latest to join dem ranks, but the novelty is starting to wear thin. The idea of Jack Black erasing an entire video store’s inventory of VHS tapes, forcing him and store clerk nice guy Mos Def to recreate them in a mos basic DIY kinda way (or as they call it ‘swede a film’) is rather nifty on paper, but after you see the fruits of their labor on VHS, you’ll be wishing you could skip ahead, like you can on a DVD (or should that read Blu-Ray now?). Once Gondry has had his fill of fun with his playful swedes (send ups include: Ghostbusters, King Kong, Driving Miss Daisy, Rush Hour 2 etc, etc), the story attempts to find some meaning in it all. While the conclusion is sweet and good-natured, its juxtaposition to the silliness it follows doesn’t add up to anything more than a great idea that juss looks cool. We tried to be as kind as we could, but now it’s time to FFwd to the next Gondry joint. Regardless, we can’t wait

Genius Loves His Own Company: Gondry sweded the original trailer! SWEEEDTT!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Gondry is always worth a Peeper, but this one is juss Sum Merit But Not Stinkin Badges

Charlie Bartlett
Student R_xchange Program
Trailers & Mo

We’re starting to grow tired of precocious young Anton Yelchin, and it has nothing to do with his weasel voice or mop top hair, although it certainly doesn’t help his case. How many times does he have to play a doe-eyed smarmy know-it-all skinny kid, endlessly cursin for a bruisin (Hearts of Atlantis, Alpha Dog)? Great question, but an even better one is why do we keep rooting for him to get his a$$ handed to him? He certainly got his just desserts in the little seen earnest mess that was Fierce People [TWS review], and it happens once again in the beginning of the very vanilla coming of age ‘comedy’ Charlie Bartlett. The two films are similar in a lot of respects, cept FP is actually interesting and CB is juss plain ole lame. Long time editor (of Jay Roach’s movies) and first time director Jon Poll certainly gives it the old high school try, and while his portrayal of teens may be a bit more realistic than what we’ve seen in cinema recently, there’s nothing visually or audibly stunning going on here to make up for the blah blah blah. Not even the supporting work of Robert Downey Jr. or Hope Davis can help to add a beat to the DULLdrums. We hope (Davis) Yelchin gets quite the licking in his next pics, as Chekov 2.0 in the new Star Trek and sum Russkie in the tATu movie

Ice Ice Daddy : Anton’s parents, Irina Korina and Viktor Yelchin, were a Russian figure skating team (explains a lot). His dad went on to become Sasha Cohen’s first coach. No word if papa had anything to do with these racy of pics of the adorable pixie

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): not enuff merit for badges, so this one is Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

both films open in theaters tomorrow

Rental Round-Up Dawg: if you have as big a hard-on as we do for Fincher’s Zodiac and/(wh)or(e) the case in general then ya gotta czech out Charlie Chan at Treasure Island (tis a part of that boxset seen below). The film musta been watched by the killer him/herself cause the killer in the film is called Dr Zodiac and he sends taunting messages about his crimes to peeps all over San Fran!!!! It’s not only worth the peep for that reason, but it’s really effin entertaining AND it’s only like 73 minutes!! Plus Cesar Romero is in it and he didn’t even have to paint his mustache!!!! We hearted it so much that we’re planning to watch all of the Charlie Chan movies… even though it’s strange that they have a white dude playing an Asian fellow. At least it’s not as racist as the yellofacin’ of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s

And since there’s no originality left in this remake age, be sure to seek out Death Race 2000 in all it’s cheesy glory before the Jason Statham-Joan Allen vehicle (pun intended) hits screen this fall. Same goes for the TV series Get Smart, which gets the big screen adaptation treatment this summer with Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway as Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 respectively. It was one of our father’s favorite shows and ours too. If you’ve never seen it, there’s no better time than today to start! The good folks at Time-Life released a complete collection that includes ALL 138 eps, plus a ton o’ bonuses, including, but certainly not limited to audio commentaries by creators Buck Henry and Mel Brooks, OG Agent 99 (Barbara Feldon) and many more. Sadly Don Adams passed away two years ago, but he will never be forgotten!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Zodiac
Period Piece of Art
Trailer & Mo

Within the very first scene of Zodiac, we are not only introduced to the titular killer and his dirty work, but we are also reintroduced to David Fincher who’s masterful talent has been sorely missed. His last film dropped in the ’02, but Panic Room was a far cry from where he left off before that in the ’99, with the beyond brills Fight Club. So I’ve basically been waitin and waitin for 8 long years for the director who I’ve worshiped above all the cool mid to late 90s directors (Tarantino, Boyle, Jonze, Singer, and yes, even Aronofsky) to deliver the goods. Zodiac not only fulfilled that Fincher bestness void, but also the void of fantab flicks to be released so far in the ’07. While there’s many moons and suns to go before Dec 31st, I still feel confident in naming it one of the best films of the year

Fincher has already shown that’s he jason capel-able of making a thumcredible serial killer flick. I mean, once could argue that Se7en is even more engaing than Silence of the Lambs, but Zodiac isn’t a serial killer movie. Sure, it’s about a serial killer, but it’s more of a spooky Unsolved Mysteriesish journalistic investigation, a neverending one at that since the killer was never caught, into the events that brought northern Cali to it’s knees in the late 60s and early 70s. When I walked out of the theater I wanted to know every single in and out about the case (gawd bless Zodiackiller.com). I hadn’t been so keen in seeking out the truth since Oliver Stone’s JFK mesmerized me beyond belief when I was all of 14 years of age… if only Spike Lee’s complete misfire Summer of Sam had worked the same magic

While I wished that Inland Empire‘s runtime was 3 minutes instead of 3 hours, I wouldn’t have minded if Zodiac was 2 1/2+ days long instead of 2 1/2+ hours. Tits dat good folks. Welcome back Finchy. Never leave me hangin like that again or I’ll have to throw all my love to the other Finchy for good!

Apt MPupil3: Donovan’s beyond bananas bestness ‘Hurdy Gurdy Man‘ [d] which will forever make me think of this film

Deja View: No, Zodiac aint the first time that Jake Gyllenhaal & John Carroll Lynch peered into each other’s eyes. Hell, it aint even the second time! The two first appeared together as father and son in Bubble Boy, followed by The Good Girl, where JCL was JG’s boss at the Retail Rodeo

Killer Looks: Zodiac Watches

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show•

Rental Round Up(dog)

Colour Me Kubrick
[Trailer]

One of the sadest things a Thigh Master has to deal with on a day-to-day basis is the fact that there will never be another Stanley Kubrick film ever. Since his death and the release of this site’s cousin Eyes Wide Shut in 1999, we’ve been slowly dying ourselves. So any time anything Kubrickianishesque gets released, it’s naturally that we get a bit nutty. Luckily for me, these releases have all eased my pain. We totally JOed to the mishmash that was Spielberg’s take on A.I., and we really dig-dug the not so revealing yet intriguing doc Stanley Kubrick: A Life In Pictures, by his bro-in-law Jan Harlan, and on the last go around, at the ’06 Tribeca Film Fest, we went bananas for Colour Me Kubrick (in America, we leave out the ‘u’). To quote ourselves, Colour Me is the loose fictionalization of conman Alan Conway’s amazing mid 90s London exploits as a Kubrick impersonator that not only is hilarious, but is by far the mos humorous John Malkovich (who plays Conway) film to date. We gave it a rating of Breast In Show and will still stand by that. It’s another one of these Magonlia Pic Day & Date Premiere thangies. Shiz opens in theaters and HDNet today, and will be available on DVD next week. Seek it out, like I seek out the truth about the Zodiac killah!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Scanner Darkly
The Real Pic-Czar
Trailer

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If Sin City was last year’s udderly franztatsic visually arresting eye orgasm of a movie, than A Scanner Darkly is mos def 2006’s. And although Sin was perfect from far, it was still a muss see, which is the case with Scanner. But before you invest yer rhyme and synergy, ask yoself, self, did I dig on Richie Linklater’s Dizzy Deanish talk-a-thon Waking Life? Like White Castle hamburgers, there are only two answers, yes or no, cause there aint no middle ground. So you were either mesmerized by it, or wanted to be all sick like Alex DeLarge being strapped down, viddying the unspeakable. So, if you felt a bit droogish by that eggspeareance, stay home and get a life. But if you fell under the spell, dig in, you forking drug addict.

A Scanner Darkly is another paranoid path carved out by the great Philip K Dick (Blade Runner, Total Recall, etc), yet it seems the least futuristic outta any of his stories brought to the big screen. This tale is more of a parable about drugs and society, for any day and age. The Dick-man had lost many friends to drugs, so he conjured this up as a way to preserve their memory, and to let those who live be aware of the dangers. While not all together straight-forward and coherent, which perfectly fits the brain activity of our protagonist NARC, one can’t help but being wowed at what’s going on on-screen. It’s like going to an animated art museum, sponsored by Adobe Photoshop’s filter pull-down menu. Hell, if they filmed 6 hours of a fruit bowl in that digital rotoscoping shaz, I’d still pay to see it. Luckily, the fruit bowl sits out this go around, and lets the digital scenery be chewed up by such bestness as Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr, Woody Harrelson, Slater from Dazed & Confused, and Winona Ryder, who has now replaced Harley Quinn, as the world’s sexiest digital entity that I want to penetrate. Ones and 0-HHH SSNAPPs!!!

The irony of it all is that this anti-drug film would best be enjoyed under the influence of drugs. Gawd bless America, and the fact that Linklater did this, and not School of Rock 2… yet!

Recommended for those who like: Ralph Bakshi, US patent #6061462, and dem Charles Schwab ads [via Seoul Brother #1]

Possible Porno Name: Jamming A Banana-er In Lark Voorhies‘ Lee Jeans

Unsatisfied with this? get yer OG rotoscoping jazzum on and Netflix Yellow Submarine [Trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘She Came in Through the Bathroom Window (rehearsal versh)’ by The Beatles (hey, who doesn’t love a don onslaught of Beatles refs?) [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Yes, the dude playing the Street Prophet, Alex Jones, was also the dude in Waking Life spouting mad isms from the PA system in his car

Next Up For A Philip K Dick Adaptation: Next, starring Nic Cage, Julianne Moore, and J Biel

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, by a nose, and by the animated boobs one gets to see

until next time the balcony is clothed…