Thighs Wide Shut

Freedom’s Fury
No Fries Were Freedomed In The Making of This Movie
Trailer
US Release Date – unknown

This is the best water polo movie of all time, well, 2nd breast, behind the 1898 vlasic Water Polo (if anyone has actually seen it or knows anyone who has seen it and can write a 500 page essay on its impact on terrance farming in the Incan culture, I’ll take you to Wendy’s AND let you choose 5 items off the 99 cent value menu). Let’s be serious for a moment folks. OK, moments up. OK, now it’s question time: Did they ever teach us about post-WWII Hungary, under the iron curtaineded shroud and clout of communist CCCP in AP European History class? OK, answer time: No. Good thing I caught this then, could otherwise I still be famished for Hungarian knowledge (hey, I’m hungry, anyone want to get some bacon wrapped in bacon with me?). Ever heard of ‘the bloodiest game in Olympic history‘? Yeah, me neither. What if I told you that that that that the game in question was water polo, and that that that that water polo game was the semi-final match at the ’56 Summer Games where said Hungry-Men (not unlike former Swenson’s TV dinner pitchman/Man Oh Mann sausages inventor Charles Mann) were playing for more than medal glory when they were pitted against their oppressors, aka the country that gave us the world’s fynest faux-lesbians? Would you be a bit more interested in this fast-in-nating doc?
And maybers in the process become a better, more learneded person? Well, woulds yous? Can I ask anymore questions? Yeah, why do armpits smell but elbows don’t? And why did they cancel Drexell’s Class?

Recommended for those who like: the red dress from S’s List, flags with holes in the middle, and thinking about Mark Spitz’ mustache while he narrates things, like I did during this movie he narrarrrarorrated

Possible Porno Name: AnalFists of Fury

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix rent the VHS tape of Nazi Riefenstahl’s Olympia Pt 1 & 2 [WATCH BOTH PARTS!]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Radio Free Europe’ by REM [live Letterman vid] y ‘Power To The People’ by Lennon/Lennon [d] y ‘Hungary Like The Wolf’ by D² [d]

IMDb Sweeney: I think it’s safe to assume that no other movie co-stars three Belas, more Nagys than at Chuck‘s family reunion, and a few Magyars named after the dude who lives in Val Kilmer and Sarah Jessica Parkers‘s closet (aka Uncle Rico)

TFF Thighspotting: Marie Barone, like I have any cluedo who the fred funk that is

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show, and it has nothing to do with how awful Civic Duty was or how hot Kari Matchett is, who loves pointing at my meat… selection

Civic Duty
Nate Fisher (Funkin Goes) Nuts
Trailer
US Release Date – hopefully never

It’s your Civic Duty to NOT see this movie. Ever. If Sunday’s screening was amateur hour, yet watchable, what be this dud about an unemployed accountant goin all sorts of gnarls barkley crazy cause his neighbor is Middle Eastern and therefore is Middle Eviliestest, amateur hour and 40 minutes? YEEEEEeeeikes!!! I’ve seen better Canadian made for TV movies, namely the gambling one with Cuthbest that Uncle G turned me onto, Lucky Girl (also know by its American title, My Daughter’s Secret Life). Look, I love Nathaniel Samuel Fisher Jr as much as the next gay guy, but unless yer a huge fan of perma-angry Nate, best to stay away. What waste of time to shine for the luminous Kari Matchett (the Invasion lady I’d mos love to invade), who chips in decent supporting work as Nate’s wife. I knew wees were in trouble when the producer of the film introduced it by saying that the feedback of previous CD TFF screenings were ‘interesting’. I knew wees were even more trouble then the box office gross of Nothing But Trouble when my movie date fell asleep 10 minutes in. I’ll admit, the ending was killer, a cop-out, but still a killer, but nothing coulda saved this sinking ship shit. Not even Mischa Barton getting eaten out by a monkey!

Recommended for those who like: ATM envelopes, Erlenmeyer flasks, and fake movie news channels

Possible Porno Name: Cervix Duty

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Rear Window [trailer vis Movie-list.com]

Apt MPupil3: ‘Paranoid Android’ by Radiohead [d] y ‘Paranoid’ by Black Sabbath [live d]

IMDb Sweeney: other movies with one 6FtUnderer & Invasionist, 2005’s The Longest Yard (James Cromwell & William Fichtner), Broken Flowers (Frances Conroy & Alexis Dziena), Havoc (Freddy Rodríguez & Alexis Dziena), and all though not fitting with the exact theme, Can’t Hardly Wait (Freddy Rodríguez & Lauren Ambrose… who knew?)

Thighspotting: Furio, of 2 Fast 2 Furio fame, was in attendance

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out ReDONKEYpoopulous

Journey to the End of the Night
Doesn’t Go Gentle, But Still A Good Night
Trailer – Not Available
Websight
US Release Date – 10/1/06

Clarice Starling’s mentor & Encino Man are a father-son set of pimps down in Sao Paulo Brazil. They’re both involved in a drug deal that will set em straight til their twilight days. They’re also both involved with Catalina Sandino Moreno, el super hottieo from Maria Full of Grace. To complicate things even further, Jack Crawford is her hubbie, and Dudley Do-Right is her lover. If that wasn’t enuff, in order for the drug deal to go thru they need someone who speaks a certain African language, and when their guy croaks after boning a shemale whore, they’re forced to turn the duties over to a dishwasher who works in their club, the always franztastic Mos Def, who this time disappears behind a Nigerian accent. Of course no plans ever go as expected, and along the way, shots are fired, people get killed, a blind soothsayer says sooth, and Sonia Braga’s niece Alice gives CS Moreno a run for her South American bonita-ness-ness (you may remember her as the girl of everyone’s affection in City of God).

So is it any good? Short response? Yes. Long response? It’s kinda amateurish. The dialog is cheesy, hispecially between father and son. The music is overly dramatic for a story that wishes it was more dramatic. It employs that Robert Altman overlapping character crap that I’ve had enuff of (hell, I’ve had enuff of Altman). And Brenden Fraser in a drama that isn’t School Ties is always amiss. But despite its glaring minsusuzuz, it’s vibriant, bewitching, and a Mos Defilicious piece of filmmaking.

Recommended for those who like: phone destruction, Mr Eko, and flying monkeys, but not from butts

Possible Porno Name: Horny Til I End My Night In Your Tight A$$

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of my mos flavorite movies of this decade, The Good Thief [trailer]

Apt MPupil3: ‘It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp’ by DJay [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Catalina Sandino Moreno will appear in Ethan Hawke’s next directorial joint, The Hottest State, which foddly enuff also stars Sonia Braga. And even foddlier, I was a PA on Ethan’s first full length feature, Chelsea Walls. Hopefully E-dawg will give me her number, so I can do a number on her!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Dude, anything with Catalina Sandino is MOS DEF Jeepers Worth A Peepers… thus far