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Wednesday, February 15
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
Somewhere B'twixt A Fiesta & A Siesta
View Trailer
While many of my contemporaries are singing the praises of Three Burials like they were cleaning a church with Murphy's Oil Soap, I have to speaks the truths like Sloth wanting Baby Ruths. Not to say that this isn't a well directed, well acted, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well wellspring of Herman B Wells's offspring (whatever that means), but the movie is kinda a hyperlode (not to be confused with a hyperbole) of whatevs(not dot org). By way of the mooovie's title, we muss gather that this Melquiades Estrada fella muss be the mos important Hispanic person since Trent Allovertheinternetagas!! Welly, welly, Tom Welling, this is all we learn about him: he's a wetback, he gets killed, and he's buried up to tres tiempos. And apparently he's Tommy Lee Jones' mejor amigo in todo el mundo!!! Yet no real deep relationship between the two is ever displayed on screen. Sure they briefly talk about stuff, like cows and Mexico, and smile at each other about stuff (maybe about cows AND Mexico), and bang white women, one who is so mad droopy ari gross that even fuglified mustachizoided Dwight Yoakam gets a ride, but you aint ever gonna picture TMJ and Milky Enchilada longing for a good ole ass-raping like Heath Gyllenhaal!! And in there lies the problem. The movie's gravitas rests on TMJ seeking redemption for the wrongful death of his amigo, and the great lengths he goes juss to give him a proper burial. Aiiight, so the journey to his final resting place is one worth taking, but the passion and reasoning behind it all seems less weighted than Harry Reasoner eating all the fat that Carnie Wilson, Star Jones, and that fat kid from Varisty Blues shed thru that cheatin ass way. Notice that I didn't say it was 'well written'? Welly, well, Orson Welles, it isn't!!! It isn't poorly written either, so lettuce call a spade a faux Kate Spade bag and juss say it was written, but not in a nasty Nas kina way. You've seen better outta Tommy, but everyone's going ga-ga cause this is his film directorial debut. I mos certainly look fwd to his next joint (as well as Michael Scott's), but he's gotta lot trabajoing to do to achieve the kudos reserved for his Space Cowboy amigo.
Recommended for those who like: stinking badges, Tecate as the new 40 oz salute for yer amigos who didn't make it, and the uncredited VO work of my childhood next door neighbor
Possible Porno Name: The Three Anal-Holes of Erik Estrada
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Death Wish, revenge, served Bronson style!!
Further Fun: TLJ (Batman Forever) lost to Kevin Spacey (Se7en) for Best Villain at the 1996 MTV Movie Awards, but more importantly, at the same awards show, Smoke's ham & cheese sirprized everyone by winning Best Sandwich in a Movie!! + 'como para chuparse los dedos' is Spanish for 'it's finger licking good' (that's the only thing I learned after 2374273 years of being forced to take Spanish, besides the words for roof, 'techo', and light socket, 'enchufe')!
Apt MPupil3: 'He Was A Friend of Mine' by Willie Nelson [d-lode]
John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers
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