Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Saturday, October 16

The Gifs of Gab

throw the jew down the well

WTF x 1243718247!!!

mo fresh than FLA OJ!

all via El Bastage de Magnífico!


# The Gifs of Gab

Friday, October 15

Dukes of Hazardous Waste

- THE SINGLE BREASTEST SITE EVER CREATED BY A HUMAN since You'reTheManNowDog.com be RumorsOnTheInternets.com. I could watch this shiz ALL DAY SHLONG!!! [via Guns n' Rosenthal]

no one can EVER replace you Sorrell!!
- Burt Reynolds, you are no Sorrell Booke!!

- Bill O'Reilly is not only a triple-douche bag, but apparently a quadruple-dirt-a$$ scum bag as well. No wonder he gets along so famously with the Peabs and the Coz!

- There is a Gawd and whoever HE may be, lettuce bless him on the miracle of picking Chris Rock to host the Oscars. Phew, cause Billy Crystal's jokes had more (cob)webs than Charlotte!! But somehow the producers will flex their Oscar magic and make the Rock un-funny.

- KRS-One "cheered when 9/11 happened." Look KRiS, if you want to garner attention to sell some albums, go the R Kelly route by peeing on 14-year-old girls instead of applauding the deaths of yer fellow country(wo)men/buying public. [via A Sock's Life]

- The NBA may one day dump 3-pointers until the last five minutes of a game. FUNK dat. If they really wanted to make the game mo interesting why don't they just adopt some MTV Rock 'N' Jock B-Ball Jam jounks like the 25 point basket or create teams like the Violators or the Bricklayers, coached by Bill Bellamy and Dan Cortese respectively. DON'T CALL IT A CALLBACK!!

- The other day I was pondering what Mr Belding, the butler on Fresh Prince, Kimmy Gibbs, and that kid who isn't Ben Savage from Boy Meets World have all been up to. Good thing the NY Daily News did all the werk fo me!

- Peep the Fat Albert: The Movie trailer. Er, um, well at least the costumes looks nice.

- Think that was a atrociousaladocious? Watch this trailer in its entirety. Keep an eye for the uMAZING special F/X.

- Hooray to VH1 for greenlighting Surreal Life 4 + the Flavor Flav & Brigitte Nielsen spin-off project! But who wants to watch a show where Daniel Baldwin, Biz Markie, Wendy the Snapple Lady, and Ralphie May try to lose weight? Wouldn't it be better if they were forced to eat more ala Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest?

no jacket required
- I'm a sexist pig. And with that said, every woman should wear a pair of these Playboy jeans! Button fly? More like Bunny fly! Blue jeans? More like BLUE BALLS!

- Most un-sir-prizing statement of the 21st century: Comedy Central Darling Jon Stewart Backs Kerry. And this just in... Jewish Men Love Mel Brooks Movies, Microwaved Tuna Smells, and Lohan Has GYNORMUS Ta-Tas!!.

- John Kerry keeps talking about holding summits if he were erected prez. Is the World Toilet Summit in Beijing one of them? What about The Summit in Houston or Pat Summit?

- To hell with the real election, who would you rather vote for Jimmy Smits or Alan Alda?

- Sure Richard Marx AND Phish both played airport hangars, but does it get any butter than playing at the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony? Dunno, but the David Koresh house band, Le Polyphonic Spree, will find out.

- It must be a crying shame to be a Luxembourger these days. Especially when Liechtenstein put a 4-nil arse-whopping on you and yer 155th world ranked soccer squad.

- Speaking of western Europe, you know you live the greatistist country in the world when you can buy pot cheaper in a store than you can from the government!!

- And finally, congratulations are in order to chipmunk face, aka Lynndie England, who gave birth to the anti-Christ. That baby will probably be the universe's most frightening creature since Kuato from Total Recall or the half-alien/half-human thing that popped out of Robin's bagina on V: Final Battle (link is of the OG mini-series). I smell a Bitched @ Swirth!!

kuato said open yer mind, but he didnt say shit about closing my FUCKING EYES!!

And with that image stuck in yer brain, HAVE A Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr8 weak end and be sure to Do a Lynndie!!


# Dukes of Hazardous Waste

some how i don't think it's the chick

And for some mo phun, how bout Photoshop Phriday!!


#

Thursday, October 14

Show Me That Smile Again...

- To hell with the re-united Wu-Tang Clan and to heaven with the re-united Seaver Clan, sans stoopid a$$ Leo who forgot his roots!! Gawd DANG Joanna Kerns/Maggie Seaver is STILL so fruckin FLY! And DANG gawd Jeremy Miller/Ben Seaver is STILL so frodging awkward looking! [via My Man Marvkus]

you've been seavered

- Ken Jennings is not only some kinda genius, but a dirty lil bastage. When the answer was 'This term for a long-handled gardening tool can also mean an immoral pleasure seeker' he said this. [via Radosh via Posh n Beckers]

- Itching to play Halo 2 a month before it comes out, and for free?

- Beatles + Cirque du Soleil = Siegfried and Roy replacement!

- White Stripes to release one of me mos personal favorite covers EVERgreen as a single: Dolly Parton's 'Jolene'.

- Lohan is That 70's Show bound and hopefully gagged. Me didn't realize that that show was still on the air.

- Farrell & Fox to team up for Miami Vice flick? Maybe they can get Don Johnson & Philip Michael Thomas to duet on the sdtrk.

if rerun from what's happening was white and LAME as balls
- This guy really loathes IKEA.

- The single most unpopular gift for the holly-daze has got to be Turd Birds.

- Why do CDs cost $15.99?
$0.17 Musicians' unions
$0.80 Packaging/manufacturing
$0.82 Publishing royalties
$0.80 Retail profit
$0.90 Distribution
$1.60 Artists' royalties
$1.70 Label profit
$2.40 Marketing/promotion
$2.91 Label overhead
$3.89 Retail overhead
Wal-Mart sez eat a dick to that shiz!

- These cookies aren't eggzactly Prince Charming. Ahhhhhhh snap, ginger style!

- How the fiddlesticks can Chick-fil-A be the #1 drive-thru spot in Amorica when we aint even gots on in the NYC area and it's closed on Sundays? [via The Fiddler]

- It goes without saying that Uncle Grambo is the f-in BlogFather of the entire f-in blogosphere. Yesterday's post was eggceptional... and I aint juss saying that cause he gave me some stizz love or that we're heteroflexible lovers.

- Our gal CityRagDoll drops the story behind Britney Federline's foot tattoo.

- You know yer a bona fide cultural icon when you get poked fun of in a video game. Case eggzample: that fat Star Wars kid in the new Tony Hawk game. [via Pakulashaker]

- Pray that this isn't yo granny!! [NSFW via Z de la Roachclip]

- Free movie ticks to Finding Neverland and for us NYCers: Sideways & Undertow

- In the WTF department, we give you the wurstest David Bowie cover mt everest! [via Popbitch]

- And here's something for you San Francisicindiansians to do this tweakend:




# Show Me That Smile Again...

Wednesday, October 13

Paper Moon Unit

nothing like rumors on the internets!
- Tis been out there for a few days and I apologize for the delay in the scoopage, but here lie the vid to LL's un-hit single 'Rumors'. And after further review, the song is just as awfulistic as any of Britney's, so I see no reason why she can't gain the same type of 'fame' as Shitney did in the music world. But who cares about the music anywayzitz? How bout how umcredible she looks in the vid. I haven't seen her sport such hotness for a few months. And she was mad crazy swamp a$$ sweaty throughout the entire thing, shakes her tail in a cage, and of course there are many a shots of her bovoistic tees!! All in all, she may be another brick in the wall, but I'll be fo shooozle buying front row seats to her show when she's NYC bound... and gagged [via StereoBubbalicious].

- And whatever Her Royal Thighness needs, its not the support of Mark McGrath, but of a super-hugemungos bra.

- Britney Federline? That's 17 times as redonkeylus as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Since she'll be paying all the bills and be birthing the kids, he should change his name to Kevin Spears. [via Time Werespanko]

- Franz Federline claim they only net 250 lbs a week. Maybe they can earn a bit o scratch if they appear in the next Harry Pothead flick. And if that doesn't produce dividends, they could always call in the Black Hand to assassinate their drummer, and cash in on his life insurance policy. TAKE HIM OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!

- The Wu-Tang Clan have reunited, no double LP, but the world still eggcited for their Nov 12 show in East Rutherford! Pre-sale this Friday at 9am. Password is 'First'.

- One things I could never understand is why they didn't have a Lebowski fest in LA. Mission accomplished! Too bad the bowling alley they used during filming no longer eggsists! [via Joe E Tata-tar-sauce]

- The Beatles US albums will finally get a CD release.

- I'd rather cut off the shroom top of my johnson, top it with tuna juice and homeless man's urine smell, microwave it for 10 minutes, and eat it with chopsticks covered in hamster pellet poo than attend this event.

- Hey Red Sux fans, maybe if the Yankees didn't own yer a$$ since 1809 then you'd actually have a right to bitch and moan about them Who's Your Daddy tees!

- I love me dem Redskins, but this is probably the wurstest NFL product I've ever seen since Brian 'The Boz' Bozworth.

- Top shelf indeed! Who wants to donate 2K for me to buy the Willie in '84 threads?

shaq's long lost family?
- There be two NEW books out there that may get me to read! The first one is Phil Roth's The Plot Against America, which imagines if anti-semite Charlie Lindbergh won the presidency, made a pact with Hitler, and turned America into a Jew-hating landscape. The other is uber-round/hotness Tatum O'Neal's tell-all book entitled, Paper Life. I mean who doesn't want to hear about her smack addiction, being smacked around by her daddy Ryan and ex-hubby McEnroe, having Michael Jackson trying to seduce her AND attending an orgy at age twelve with Melanie Griffith! Nouw al eye half tu doo iz leurn houh 2 reed!

- The reverse dictionary.

- 'Black Irish' EXPLAINED!!!

- Kenya dig this annoying lil flash vid? Didn't think so.

- If only the last two Matrixeses flicks were as goode as this!

- What do I have to do to be in a organization with these folks? [via Mag-Bastard]

- Here's something that'll make you wish you had that 30 seconds you just wasted back!

- Do you call soda 'pop' or 'Coke'? Yer not alone in yer buffoonery. Peep this map!

And yer most un-Kosher headline of the day be:

- Pig Guts Cause Smelly Traffic Jam


# Paper Moon Unit

A Fine Line Between
Love And Haight

Ahhhhhhhhhhh San Francisco. How I always dreamted of visiting yer Golden Gates and gay Asian shores. And now that I'm twentysomething, I figured it was the time to get arf my a$$ and see what all this Rice-a-Roni and hill shit blues was all about. I mean, until a month ago, I kept miss(tori)pelling the city, 'San Frasisco'. Hey, if I can call other people douche bags for spilling hot coffee on themselves, I can surely call myself one since I wouldn't be anywhere without a spell checker. But enuff about semantics and more about my antics this past Columbus Day Weak End!

who doesnt love the view below twin peaks!

On Friday, the deadlines were stacked at work, but nothing was going to keep me from the home of Levi's jeans. I hopped on the le ghetro E train for what seemed like an eternity by Calvin Klein and rendezvoused with the greatest latest thang in NYC transportation: The Airtrain. It's like being on Epcot's monorail, but cheaper, and it actually takes you right to your terminal and not a geodesic dome. When I finally got to JFK, the mostest random thing popped into my head: Steven Spielbergo's The Terminal. I have yet to see this crap on a stick, but I can only imagine how terminally painful it must be to watch. Anywho, boarded my Delta flight, kicked off my smelly shoes, and caught Spider-Man 2 for the 2th time (Read our review here). Gawd bless Sam Raimi for drenching Kirsten Dunstes'es shirt in each of the movies. Lettuce juss hope tits three times a jizz for the next installment. Passed the rest of the time talking to this Indian bloke who explained to me that when people think of Indian food, it's really just Punjabi food. Most Indian's diets consist of beans, rice, and veggies, not chicken tandoori.

erects n effects
Anywho, touched down in SFO and was picked up by my weak end's glamorous host, TSpliff, co-creator of the mos fantabulous website that never was (be sure to visit the stadium!). By the way, my ears had yet to pop and them STILL HAVEN'T!! Went back to his swanky North Beach pad, met his foxy lady lady Michele Ma Bell, downed some chicken-feta-pesto North Beach Pizza (you wouldn't think Killafornia has good pizza, but they DO!), hit up some famous dive bar called Vesuvio, almost got in a fight with some Hispanic punk a$$ bitch, and called it a night... but not before peeping several episodes of Sealab 2021, one of the breastest cartoons I've seen since I declared my jihad vs cartoons. We also got all political and watched what has got to be the finestest show on the fall lineup: The Presidential Debates!! Can you name a more entertaining 90 minutes you've watched in the past year? I love hearing about Kerry 'subcribing' to 'plans' he has that we haven't heard anything about or Bush just plain talking bout them internets.

we're on a road to NOwhere!
Saturday was dedicated to being a whorish tourist. We had some Mexicali lunch right next to the Presidio and sadly didn't see Sean Connery or Mark Harmon. Next it was off to San Jose via one of the most scenic routes me has ever peeped (being a 5 year NYCer, anytime you see land masses that aren't made of concrete, you get kinda hot and bothered). And what may you ask is located in San Jose besides a hockey team with horribilistic taste in jerseys? Well, I'll tell ya: The Winchester Mystery House. And how the FUNK did I come up with this grande idear to visit this place on my lil vacay? Well, one of me favorite all-time shows since I was a kid was A&E's America's Castles. A few months back I caught an ep dedicated to this house. And this is the house's story of us: Sarah Winchester was the heir to the Winchester rifle fortune after her hubsy died. She believed that she was haunted by ghosts and spirits who were killed at the hands of the rifles.
stair case closed?
One day she sought the advice of a Boston psychic who in turn told her that she must continue to build on to her house for 24 hrs a day until the day she died. And Sarah Dub did just that (she also invented the washboard!). The result is morerer nuttier than my poops after scarfing a gallon of Pralines and Cream. There were 160 rooms, where windows were built into the floor, stairwells that led to nowhere, closets with 13 hanger posts, rooms that had only one entrance but had three exits, doors that opened to a 15 ft drop, and a whole bunch of other MYSTERIOUS stuffings!! I yearned for a creepy tour. My gal Katty-Kat puuuurfectly suggested that the tour guide should be in the Vincent Price vein, but what me and the TSPliffster got instead was some cheerleaderesque girl, who was more chipper than Chipper Jones, and could play Jan Hooks' Alamo tour guide in Pee Wee's Big Adventure if they ever dared to remake it. Literally, our guide was one shake of a lamb's tail away from making us say, 'adobe' and 'tortilla'. Well, at least at the gift shop they had lovely San Jose postcards depicting a bus!!

dont be a player haighter
As our magical mystery tour continued, wees drove back to the SF, mcnabbed a lil tasty baked sangwhich at Submarine Center in West Portal, drove up to the peaks of Twin Peaks (we even had the courtesy to unhook the bra) and saw the city from a far, and then gave the Tanner full-household a hello on the way to our next stop: the corner of Haight-Ashbury. Before arriving there, my mind was filled with mythical visions of such a holy sight. When we got there, the reality was as lame as being on the corner of 27th St & 2nd Ave, sans ferdinand. Although I'm sure the Gap and Ben & Jerry's are extra hippyrific! Then we went to the mecca of all music stores: Amoeba Music. This place lives up to any hype you may have been hyped on by Hype Williams or the like. Think Tower Records meets Other Music meets yer ma and pa record shopppppee. I only wanted to spend like 10 minutes there and maybe buy one album, but an hour or so later, I walked out with 5. The prices were so cheap. Gotz like 4 used discs for 5.99 a peace and a Graham Coxon import for onsley 10 bones! Later that night, we grabbed some grand ole momma's cooking at Home, cause Michele Ma Bell knew it would whet my meat and potatoes lifestyle. Laterz on we went to this new hot spot called Casanova where I sipped drafts of Pabst Blue Ribs and was reunited with my boy Robbie Revz who me hadn't seen in 10 shlong years! We both told each other that we looked the same, but I think he was just being polite to me and my whale-size.

transformers, more than meets the thighs!!
Sunday was dedicated to foo-ball and almost nuttin but. T's pals Jorge and Co came over bright and early with some very un-NY bagels and shmears. Next time I'll just bring some with me ;) I still cunt bee-leave people wake up at 10am to watch fooball. This was the 1st time I'd been in the West during fooball season and with the early games over by 1pm, that left the day thighs wide open for bidness. Although I was half awake and half baked, I still needed to take in a lil culture and me being the museum whore that I is, I had to drop by their MOMA, with former NY galster Veronica and coincidentally visiting NY galster Amber Crusiemanko. A nice collection, but me was more bitter than Passover herbs to find out that a Lichtenstein eggzibit was opening two weeks after my visit. Lichtenstein people!!! It aint just a pointless country no mo!! Rounded out the noche with A PLACE TO EAT AT B4 YOU DIE: House of Nanking!! They have a menu, but you don't even order off of it. The waitress comes by and hurries you into ordering something. You just say 'chicken', 'beef', 'tofu' or whatever and PRESTO the most yummylicious stuff comes to yer table in a matter of minutes.

all you need is...

The next day I sadly had to go, but not before I purchased some cheap smokes, walked up the mostest crookedest street in the world and chowed on some In-N-Out Burger (still the most overrated burger in America. Fatburger rules x 324114!!). What a friggin fab-u-los-so city tit was. I fell in love and not only left my heart in 'Cisco, but some mean smelling farts as well after all that chow. And there's so much touristy shit left for me to do (trolleys, burritos, the wharf, Alcatraz) that I'll be back quicker than you can say Jeff Gaycia. By the way, WHAT THE FORK IS UP WITH ALL DEM HILLS??#?@!?@?$??%@&!!%?~?%$$@#~$

the long and pointless road


# A Fine Line Between
Love And Haight

Tuesday, October 12

Rumors On The Internets

Me just got back from having the GAYest ole time in lovely San Fran. I ate so much Rice-a-Roni that I can't even write about it all right here, right now. But in the meantime, here's the crap you'all would rather read:

find a worser pic of lohan and i'll send u a dollar!
- STOP THE PRESSESSES: Lohan fears kissing guys onscreen! And Papa Lohan BLASTS her 'lowlife' friends!

- Zellweger still filling her gynormus cheeks with Jack's whites?

- The greatestist band named after an element, Air will supply some French fried background music for the Ballet Preljocaj when it hits BAM in early November. Now normally I wouldn't be caught dead at the ballet or anything that had 2 'j's in its name, but tickle me curious and elmo! [via TheOnlyShoppppe In Town]

- What more appalling in this picture, the kid (mischa) barfin or the dude who decided to wear that rad brown jacket? [via Zach de la Roachclip]

- If you've been living in cave with Osama, then you probably haven't peeped JibJab's latest political hootenanny.

- Some Singaporean bloke shoved three and a lil bit o' hamburgers in his mouth to broke the world record. Obviously the Guinness Record peoples have never followed me into a White Castle cause I can fit a sack in my mouth... hairy or shavenened.

- Unemployed or work the graveyard shift at McDougals? Then yer probably one of the only peoples who can czech out the Raveonettes this Thursday at 5pm at The Delancey.

Two questions that make yer anal itch:

the world's only cool newt
- What ever happened to lil Newt from Aliens?

&

- What's up with things that are deviled?

And here's yer headline to get yer day going...

- Doctor Accused Of Paying Fine With Feces-Covered Money [via Michelin-Man]


# Rumors On The Internets

Monday, October 11

The Quest for Peace the Fork Out

Two huge-mungos peace the forks out go to

Christopher Reeve

Not Such A Super Day For Such Super Men

September 25, 1952 - October 10, 2004

You saved our planet many o times from the likes Richard Pryor & Jon Cryer, and every girl wanted to bone you in the process. Then you hurt yerself and lost yer super abilities for life, but that didn't stop you from being a super hu-man. You will be greatly missed Kal-El, son of Marlon Brando. And whoever they decide on to don the red cape and blue tights for the next go-round will never replace you in our thoughts and in our minds... no matter how burnt they may be.

&

Ken Caminiti

you were a 'hit' in my book

April 21, 1963 - October 10, 2004

I'm no baseball lover, but me did love two things about you: That phatty-a$$ goatee you rocked and yer umcredible sounding name, which rolled off the tongue like rib meat falls off a bone.


# The Quest for Peace the Fork Out