Thighs Wide Shut

Revolutionary Road
The Suburban Jungle
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

April (Kate Winslet) and Frank Wheeler (Leonardo DiCaprio) and their two kids move out to a sunny home in the suburbs in hopes of achieving the American dream. What they didn’t realize was that it was going to be a total nightmare (including dinner parties with some overly friendly/annoying neighbors played by rising star David Harbour and perky Kathryn Hahn) and a place where all their dreams would die. Sam Mendes reunites the Titanic pair (and his wife), along with Kathy Bates (what, was Billy Zane not available?), in the screen adaptation of Richard Yates‘ celebrated novel of the same name (one we actually read before we saw the film), and this time the ship is their relationship, well on its way to hitting an iceberg… several icebergs. April comes up with the crazy idea of moving the family to France in hopes of reigniting their passion for life and love. No one they know takes the idea seriously, and after Frank’s rise at the company he can’t stand and April’s unwanted pregnancy, they begin to agree that it may be a fruitless venture. The price of their shattered dreams is their love, and its undoing is udderly heartbreaking. Good thing then that everyone, including the film itself is an absolute thing of (50s American) beauty, as everything else goings on is purty darns ugly. Winslet is stellar as always, and DiCaprio finally has material that perfectly suits his boyish becoming mannish traits, but the performance that grabs the most attention is Michael Shannon‘s, who as Bates’ psychologically damaged son seems to be the only one able to see through everyone’s rosy exteriors, straight to their dismal interiors. Like with Viola Davis in Doubt, Shannon’s work is brief, but unforgettable. They both could easily walk away with Oscars, but then again, wees aint they ones handing them out. Rev Road aint nuttin revolutionary (it’s like Mad Men, with equal amounts of smoking, but less sex and more yelling), and even if the road traveled is a little too bumpy to be fully enjoyed, the drive is juss too scenic to pass up

Behind Blue Eyes: now that baby blue-eyed cutie pie Zooey Deschanel‘s been snapped up by Mr Death Cab For Cutie, we’re transferring all our love to another baby blue-eyed cutie pie, Elia Kazan‘s granddaughter Zoe Kazan (she plays an airy NSFW secretary that DiCaprio lets sharpen his pencils)… that is until she ties the knot with her hipster man, Paul Dano

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Good
The Good/Bad German
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Good is a film based on CP Taylor‘s 1981 play that is not great and not bad, but juss plain ole good. It stars Viggo Mortensen as a writer whose novel about euthanasia catches the eye of the Third Reich. They want him to write a medical paper on the subject, and also for him to join their ranks. He really isn’t interested in their politics, but they assure/shut him up by giving him an honorary title that will satisfy both parties. As Viggo’s career keeps on rising, and as he becomes accustomed to a better life (with beauty Jodie Whittaker in hand) he starts to turn a blind eye to his former ideals and his Jewish friend (Jason Isaacs). By the time he wakes up and smells the Sanka, it’s too late to be good anymore. Today marks the release of Good as well as Defiance (eventually to be reviewed when eventually seen), cause nothing ends a year on a thigh note quite like yet another Nazi-themed film. Good is also the last of them Nazi films this year that shares the view of the victimizers, following The Reader and The Boy In The Striped Pajamas. All three shed a well welcomed different light on a familiar topic, and all three are worth your peeperers. So where do Nazi-themed movies go from here? How about on a vacation, as wethinks we could all use a break from never forgetting

Trap The Fly Venus: Whittaker first turned heads and thighs opposite Peter O’Toole as the title character in Venus. Peep how her butt stacks up against Velásquez’s original

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Good joins Rev Road currently playing in limited release

stay tuned for our wrap-pup of all things filmatic from the year that was ‘008

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Doubt
We’re No Angels
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Dis-clothes-her: during our daytime travels we actually got to see a lot of the dallies of Doubt. Like most films, it was shot out of order, and we were forced to watch Meryl Streep yell at anyone with ears take after take. Without the benefit of seeing the finished product we surely thought that this was going to be one of the moisted boringist dry movies to come out this winter of discontent. Chef boy o boyardee weres wees wrong! Although this John Patrick Shanley (Moonstruck, Joe Versus the Volcano) play turned into his own movie is quite stagy by being confined to a few sets, it’s the absolute opposite of borings. Not to say that there’s rockets launching every 10 minutes or that it’s the moist visually (dis)pleasing Paulie Litt film of the year, like Speed Racer was (although the cinematography by Roger Deakins is stark, yet stunning), but when Streep goes toe to toe with another top notch Hollywood yeller like Philip Seymour Hoffman, we’re all in for a real and possibly rare treat. It’s like a Frost/Nixon grill fest that coulda been titled Streep/Hoffman. The story is nothing complex — priest Hoffman has a questionable relationship with the sole African-American boy in the church’s school and a young nun on the run (played with great innocence by Amy Adams) confides her feelings about the relationship with headmistress Streep, and Streep becomes convinced of his wrongdoing w/o any proof (or DOUBT!) and uses this seemingly baseless allegation as a catalyst to try to get him out of their school/church — but simple or not, there aint a film out there right now that’s more riveting than Doubt. With such acting heavyweights slinging such good material, it’s hammazin that Viola Davis (who plays the boy’s mother), can duke it out with the best of them and make a name for herself, even if she’s in the film for only 5 or so minutes. Have no doubt and see Doubt, a true feast for those who love acting

Sister Sister: poor-sighted Sister Veronica is played by Alice Drummond, a woman you’ve seen in many a films, but is probably bestest known as the scared libririan from Ghostbusters

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Doubt is currently playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Wrestler
A Camel Clutch Performance
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Every year since our Thighs have been Wide Shut we’ve been blown away by a single acting performance so blownerrific that we juss knew, without a dadow of a shout, that it would earn the performer an Oscar statuette months later. In the ’04 it was Jamie as Ray, in the ’05 it was Hoffman as Capote, in the ’06 it was Whitaker as Amin and last year, Cotillard as Rice Piaf. And your winner this year that you can bet the farm and the pharmacy on is Mickey Rourke as the washed-up wrastler Randy ‘The Ram’ Robinson (a fictional person, but seems more real than B Real buying some junk from the Junkyard Dog). This movie’s gots Marisa Tomei as a stripper with a big heart, and nipple rings (that you get to see!) and Evan Rachel Wood looking like a younger Marilyn Manson and Todd Barry watching porn and Judah Friedlander w/o an ironic hat, yet all of them yummy appetizers are juss that to the main course of heartburn and heartache that is Rourke’s Ram (he even drives a RAM truck!). The whole she-bang is pressing-de, which aint no sirprize coming from virtuoso director Darren Aronofsky (and from the pen of a guy who writes for The Onion, wtf?), but it also happens to be one of the funniest of the year, sharing that title with another bestest pic of the year, Gran Torino. If you aints cracking yer teets off during the deli counter scene, then you our friends, don’t deserve to eat deli meats ever!! That goes negative double to you vegetarians who aren’t our friends cause animals aren’t our friends, they is our lunches and dinners!!

Now Yer Playing With Power: The Ram was the star of an 8-bit NES video game, which he plays with a neighborhood kid in the film, but the game doesn’t look 1/2 as yumcredible as NES’ Pro Wrestling is. Long live King Corn Karn!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Spirit
Smells Like Latrine Spirit
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Remember how redonkeypunchoholic (that’s a good thing) Sin City was? Well, subtract all the incredible actors, spanktastic honeys, co-director Robert Rodriguez, and everything else (like 19 zillion more things) that made it the knees bees of 2005 and what yer left with is the biggest waste of optical splendor since Sky Captain And The World of Tomorrow, which is the Dick Tracy for this decade (read: crap on a shtick). This giant waste that we puke of is the The Spirit, Frank Miller‘s first solo directorial project based off of the belovededed Will Eisner comic, and it doesn’t border on disaster, but on absolute boredom. Not even Samuel L Jackson’s over-overacting or Scarlett Johansson’s lack of acting talent or Eva Mendes’ photocopied ass or Kevin Arnold’s angry dad or 293938487 Edgar Stileseses can muster up anything close to what we peoples call entertainment. The only thing worth noting is Sarah Paulson‘s fine performance as The Spirit’s lady in waiting. She’s the only one in the film who can keep a straight face, and when she cries a tear for The Spirit, we cry a tear for Paulson who deserves much better (esp after the shitbacle that was the unfunny show about a unfunny sketch show that was suppose to be funny). If you can brave it through this snooze/boo fest then you should be allowed to play The Spirit in the sequel… a sequel that will never happen cause no one will care what becomes of The Spirit after seeing this burnt popcorn movie

Some Ifs, Ands, and Butts: we take it back, Eva Mendes’ photocopied ass is entertaining

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Last Chance Harvey
Actually Love?
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Dustin Hoffman is so good at playin a goofy schlub. Emma Thompson is so good at playing a hot classy older woman. When the two come together it’s pretty darn oh so good, first with Stranger Than Fiction and now with Last Chance Harvey. Dustin plays Harvey Shine, a goofy schlub whose life starts to get even schlubblier while in London (he loses his job, and then learns that his daughter would rather have her James Brolin stepfather walk her down the aisle), but then he has a (last) chance meeting with a hot classy older lady named Kat
e. They’re both lonely and in need of some serious smiles. Harv charms her enuff to let him walk her around London town for hours on (Howard’s) end. Kate then convinces Harv to return to his daughter’s wedding reception, and he obliges, if only she joins him. What happens next with Harvey and his daughter, with new pal Kate cheering him on, is some deeply (chicken) tender stuffs. Too bad this magic moment occurs midway thru the movie, instead of at the end where it woulda been more effective. Lessthenone, the restist is good enuff stuffs that will keep you hoping that Harvey will get the chance to break into Kate’s community chest

Can’t Wait For The Sequel: Rolling Harvey Down The Hill

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Waltz With Bashir
Ballroom Blitzkrieg
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Strip away all of the hamazin’ cartooing goings on in the animated-documentary Waltz With Bashir and all yer left with is some fuzzy recollections that some Israeli soldiers had about Sabra and Shatila massacre during the 1982 Lebanon War. It’s no wonder that the writer/director Ari Folman went the colorful route for his autobiographical tale, cause otherwise this thing woulda been as dry as some dry armpits in needs of Arrid Extra Dry. The loose storytelling tries to make an impact on the viewer, and barely does, but it’s the cartoon that does all the impacting, and then some. It’s a true feast for the eyes, and with this scene, for the thighs. Last year’s brilliant Persepolis was able to backup its visual beauty with a compelling narrative. Bashir aint this year’s Persepolis, but then again, what is? Dunno, Kannapolis, NC?

Out of Treatment: Folman directed 3 episodes of the Israeli/original version of In Treatment, called BeTipul

Verdictgo: for your peepers it’s Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Day The Earth Stood Still
Keanu & Jennifer’s Bogus Journey
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

98.8676% of movies that are remade should have never been remade. The Day The Earth Stood Still is one of thems (who woulda guessed?!?!?!?!?!). What more needs to be said? These simple facts: the bestest part of the entire movie is something we’ve dreamed of for a long time – the destruction of Giants Stadium. Jaden Smith should not be allowed to act, unless accompanied by his father. John Cleese should be banned from serious roles (esp since his family’s surname is really ‘Cheese’). Kathy Bates would make an awful Secretary of Defense. Jon Hamm, Kyle Chandler and Robert Knepper should fire their agents for finding them such dreck to film during their TV show’s hiatuses. And finally, how come no one has found another good reason for Jennifer Connelly, a dildo and another woman’s a$$ to be in the same room at the same time again?

Don’t Express Yoself: Vulture’s Complete Field Guide to the Facial Expressions of Keanu Reeves

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

On XMas, Bashir and Harvey will join The Wreslter, already playing in limited release, while The Spirit joins The Earth in crushing your holiday spirit at a theater near jews

have a wonderful holly daze peoples!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Gran Torino
A Man Hmong People
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Life. Death. Faith. Friendship. Family. Loyalty. Race relations. The economy. The ol’ American Way. Suburban decay. Doing the right thing. And even the Detroit Lions (sorta). All of these hot topics are flawlessly weaved into Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood‘s 30th film as a director, and what may ultimately be his final screen performance (SAY IT AINT SO!). In what is w/o question one of the bestest films of the year, GT may also be it’s mos funniest (eat your farts out Judd Apatow!). It’s also one of the finest fictional movies about the state of America today that we’ve seen in quite sum thyme… that happens to be hidden in the open of this vigilante street justice genre flick. Clint plays Walt Kowalski, a grizzled old Korean War vet (what a stretch!) who embodies the sarcastic loathing of Andy Rooney and the razor/racist sharp tongue of Archie Bunker (only Easty could make 7 zillion Asian stereotyped quips and not only get away with it, but make ya laff yer face off… unless yer name is Spike Lee). His wife’s recently passed on, his white neighbors have long since moved away and he doesn’t have much to look forward to, cept sittin on his porch sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon and indulging in any form of tobacco (hactually sounds like the good life to us!). He doesn’t want anything to do with his new immigrant neighbors… that is until his hand is (magnum) forced. Local gangs start harassing a defenseless boy and his sister (amateur, yet effective enuff performances by Bee Vang and Ahney Her) and Clint comes to their rescue. Each time he extends his sword, he lowers his shield and in turn starts to open his heart. He becomes more of a father figure to these kids than he had ever been to his own. It sounds like sum dang cheesy stuff, but lessthenone, the cheese works and tastes grrrrreat! So what about the car in the title? Juss another thing for us to give the film an accolade for: bestest use of a Gran Torino in a movie this century! Then again Starsky & Hutch wasn’t much competition in that category… although Gran Torino coulda been the greatesteest movie mt EVERest had it had Brande Roderick undressing

He Thought of Cars: the predecessor to the Ford Torino was the Ford Fairlane. The predecessor to the Gran Torino film is fortunately not The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Maybe tis was Pink Cadillac?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

GT is currently playing in NY/LA and will start expanding like crazy this Friday and even mo on Xmas

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

pee es – Clint, please don’t EVER die. wees don’ts want to think of what American cinema woulds bees w/o yous

pee es 2 – wonder what he thinks of the Gorillaz song named after him?

Frost/Nixon
For Your Interviewing Pleasure
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Historic as a series of landmark TV broadcasts, then dramatized into a beloved stage play (or so we’ve heard) and now transformed into the phenomenal feature film, Frost/Nixon replays the revealing 1977 interviews, and the fly by the seat of its pants circumstances that made it all happen, between British TV presenter David Frost and our disgraced 37th President Richard Milhous Nixon. Adapted from his own West End/Broadway play, Peter Morgan (also the pen and teller of The Queen, Last King of Scotland and The Other Boleyn Girl) and his Frost (Michael Sheen, also his Tony Blair from The Queen, a performance so incredible that only a Queen could overshadow it) and his Nixon (Frank Langella, a veteran actor whose biggest role may have been as Skeletor in the Masters of The Universe movie) team-up again to give director Ron Howard his finest material to work with and his bestest film to date (well, besides Parenthood). Sam Rockwell, Kevin Bacon, Matthew Macfadyen, Toby Jones, and Oliver Platt all add cheerful energy to the affair, but are merely window dressing (as is Vicky Cristina Barcelona‘s hottie Rebecca Hall, who we wish did some window undressing) to the two main felleas divided by the slash

So what’s the big deal with these interviews anywayz, eh? Nixon had been press shy ever since his resignation in August of 1974, and after his pardon by Gerald Ford, many thought he got off the hook for any wrongdoing involved with Watergate. Frost recognized this fact, and knew an exclusive interview would be a good thing for Nixon to try and save face, while it would make Frost a face to be recognized in the US. Both of their reputations were at stake, whatever was left of Nixon’s and Frost really had no reputation in which to speak of over here, but put a lot of his own money on the line to make this all happen. Frost, as others perceived him to be (see his interview w/Mike Wallace on 60 Minutes), was out of his league interviewing someone like Tricky Dick, but when push came to shove, Frost pushed and shoved Nixon to basically apologize for betraying the country. Even as a recreation, in any form, this material is so rich that it’s impossible to nto be spellbound by the spellbinding spells that are cast

The 70s were not only the last golden age of cinema (The Godfather I & II, Star Wars, Jaws, One Who Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Clockwork Orange, and mos app, All The President’s Men), but also the last great decade of crazy-insane-bananas shiz goings on that have been turned into cinematic (or documentary) gold: Nixon himself was a treasure trove (Oliver Stone’s Nixon, Dan Hedaya ruled in Dick), and then there’s Vietnam (name a movie, any movie), Jonestown (The Life and Death of Peoples Temple), the Patty Hearst kidnapping (Guerrilla), Harvey Milk’s assassination (Milk, duh), the Munich Olympics (One Day In September, Munich, duh part II) and the list goes on and on. We hope today’s filmmakers will continue to dig into that deep 70s well, and if they do, there will be plenty o’ Breast In Shows for us to declare

Grin & Jarret: DUDE, Mitch Taylor/Sarah Jessica Parker‘s STILL ACTING!!! DATS RIGHT!! Gabriel Jarret (aka, the real name of that kid who played Mitch from Real Genius!!) plays Ken Khachigian, a Nixon speechwriter. Take a look at him here at the far right, and listen to him gab on the red carpet about his role! HOORAY FOR MITCH!!! PLEASE KEEP HIRING MITCH AND STOP HIRING HIS FAKE SISTER, HORSEFACE!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Role Models
Role Played Out
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A cute movie to say the most, Role Models is ultimately purty darn lame, considering it’s supposedly a comedy, which contains a grand total of 3 laffs. Lame be a dang shame cause this is the second straight vanilla offering (after The Ten) from former Statesmen David Wain, who apparently hasn’t been able to top his Citizen Kane, Wet Hot American Summer. Role Models is a predictable tale (with no real tale to tell) about two dudes (Paul Rudd doing his Paul Rudd thing and Seann William Scott going back to his Stifler ways after showing us a lil something else in the little seen Promotion) who get in a spot of trouble and avoid jail by doing a month of community service. They land at Sturdy Wings, a big brother-little brother type place, headed up by an ex-addict (Jane Lynch doing her Jane Lynch thing) who used to eat cocaine for breakfast and lunch (wethinks that joke was intended to be funny). They’re assigned to two oddball kids, who are actually normal cause theys juss kids. One’s a foul-mouth black boy (Bobb’e J. Thompson), who has nothing much to add cept saying ‘boobies’ and other naughty words (guess it’s funny if you still think the South Park kids cussing is funny). The other is a LARPer dork (McLovin, aka Christopher Mintz-Plasse, and we are happy to see him gettin sum mo work) with parents who juss don’t understand. Stifler imparts his cleavage knowledge to the dirty worded kid, while Rudd teaches McLovin that it’s OK to do whatever you want to do, as long as it makes you happy

There’s other stuff goings on, like Rudd trying to win back his lady (Elizabeth Banks, wasting her time), but the majority of our time if filled with way too much LARPing (and way too much Ken Jeong, who’s starting to wear out his welcome with us… even though he juss arrived on the scene). This woulda been a solid flick that you coulda brought your tweens to, considering the humor is well below sophomoric and it is surely sweet, but the pointless nudity and the aforementioned overuse of cuss words prevents this from having any kind of true audience. Feel free to disagree, but we personally like to laff with our comedies, not be mildly amused by em. Also, a small request Hollywurst: can we peas gets us some comedies made by fresh talent and starring people who aren’t from a pool of the same 25 actors?

This Is How We Role: save an hour of yer life and juss re-watch the big brother-little brother Simpsons ep ‘Brother From the Same Planet’ instead

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Frost/Nixon, already playing in NY/LA, will hit up many theaters this Friday, where Role Models has been gettin overrated for weeks

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…