Thighs Wide Shut

we didn’t get to see a screening of Sex And The City, and since we weren’t really a fan of the series, don’t expect a review anytime soon. It looks like a rental anyways, since the only special effects on display was the work done on Kim Cattrall’s face. Too bad they didn’t hire ILM to make Sarah Jessica Parker look less like a horse or Mitch from Real Genius. If you want a review, czech out Roger Ebert’s, who’s quite curious about how female dogs masturbate

Stuck
The Ultimate Car Trouble
Trailers & Mo

Life seems to be going quite well for Brandi (Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari, exposing more of her 9-head here sporting cornrows). That is of course until she’s driving home late one night, floating on ecstasy, and hits newly homeless schlub Tom (oldy schlub supreme, Stephen Rea) with her car. It’s one thing to hit someone with your car, but it’s another to have them stuck in your windshield after doing so. Panic sets in, and instead of doing the right thing, by taking an unconscious Tom to the hospital, Brandi decides to park the car in her garage and leave him stuck in her windshield until she can think of something better to do with him. Tom eventually comes to, and pleads with Brandi to help him. She rebuffs his requests and even places the blame on him, by saying over and over, ‘Why are you doing this to me?‘. Doing this to her? He can’t even do anything for himself trapped in cracked glass. She leaves him be in the garage and Tom tries his best to attract outside attention, with little to no results. Brandi, still in a tizzy, enlists the help of her drug peddling boyfriend Rashid (scene stealer Russell Hornsby), who’s only real suggestion is to get rid of the body. The back and forth frantic antics between the threesome will keep you on the edge of your seat, and may make you cover your eyes, as it does get a bit gory, but unexpectedly, it’s all rather hilarious. We haven’t had this much fun at the movies all year. So go head, let Stuck get stuck on you, which shouldn’t be confused with the decent Farrelly Bros film

Stranger Than Friction: all of this sounds kinda redonkeylous, but the movie ripped its plot straight from a real-life headline, while tweaking the outcome a bit to make quite a sirprizing little suspense film. The Smoking Gun has got some papers on the actual affair

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Foot Fist Way
You’re The Semi-Best Around
Trailers & Mo

Ever imagine what it would be like if the Rex Kwon Do bits from Napoleon Dynamite was turned into a full-length feature film? We’re sure this thought hasn’t crossed many peoples minds, but for those who have or who find the idea worth investigating you’ll find much delight in The Foot Fist Way (juss to clarify, this isn’t a Rex Kwon Do spin-off movie). While it may be low on plot and budget, it scores mightily high on laughs thanks to its star and co-writer Danny R. McBride (looks like Liev Schreiber with a mustache), who’s baby steps away from stardom, turning up elsewhere this summer in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. McBride plays Fred Simmons, the owner and proprietor of a North Carolina strip-mall taekwondo center and self-proclaimed ‘King of the Demo’ (here he is on Conan demonstrating). Fred’s going through a rough patch, after his bimbette wife gave a hand-job to her boss, and he’s taking it out on everyone, including his students. Things don’t get much better when his hero, a Hollywood action star that looks like a cross between Chuck Norris and Iggy Pop, turns out to be an absolute zero. Foot Fist will probably have a great second life once it hits DVD (boo-ray, downloads, etc), but for those who felt kicked in the groin by Mamet’s Redbelt [TWS review], this will be a welcome kick back and enjoy joint

It’s Almosy Jhoon Already: if you watch one local ghetto TV commercial today, or any day for that splatter, make it Jhoon Rhee’s taekwondo spot

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Strangers
More Goosey Than Bumpy
Trailers & Mo

A pretty young couple (Liv Tyler & Scott Speedman) are spending the evening at a family retreat deep in the woods. Right as they’re about to kiss and make-up over some early night rifting, a knock comes on the door. IT’S A STRANGER, looking for someone who doesn’t live at that address. The couple close the door and assume that that was that and that nothing else would come of that. TAKE THAT, cause they were damn wrong about that! The stranger and two other stranger friends, all wearing creepy masks (and juss in case you didn’t know, masks are always creepy, even the ones in Police Academy 3 – Back in Training were creepy von creepstein), play a snail’s pace game of cat and mouse with the couple in and around the house. The early scare build ups are good, but by the film’s midpoint, they plateau instead of finishing the job of makin
g us shiz our pants. Think of The Strangers as a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-lite. It attempts to emulate the master of all horror movies, supposedly also being inspired by true events like how Massacre loosely based itself on killer Ed Gein’s human flesh loving doings, but it turns out more like Funny Games (which we didn’t see) with a lot less talking and action. Nonethebreast, it works decently enuff to watch as a scary movie, as it’s more realistic than the slasher porn that keeps filling up theaters in this day and rage

Book Em Dano: the scariest darn books wees read as kids, which weren’t by Richard Scarry, were the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series. Here’s a bunch o scanned images from the books, including our fav, ‘The Viper‘

Verdictgo: a low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Savage Grace
Mother Dreariest
Trailers & Mo

Waiting 19 years for a new Indiana Jones adventure didn’t seem like such a long time compared to waiting 16 for Tom Kalin to follow-up on his brilliant debut Swoon, about the sexually-charged killers Leopold and Loeb. Lucas and Spiels had plenty of other projects that kept them busy in the interim, while Kalin filled his time by directing a bunch of shorts and art installation projects that none of us have seen. Savage Grace FINALLY finds the director back in his chair, barking up the same tree as he did with Swoon, a dramatized real-life (yes, the third film on today’s docket) period piece about a famous murder involving cosmopolitan socialites. The style is all there, in crisp color and lucious settings, but the unfolding of the events leading up to Barbara Daly Baekeland(Julianne Moore)’s murder by the son she nurtured in all the wrong ways (including incest!) doesn’t really bite as hard as it should of. As is the case with Dr Jones, it was still nice to have Kalin return to the screen even if the results didn’t exactly hold up to its promise

Tu Again: Elena Anaya was the only woman we fell for in the Adam Brody poopstain In The Land of Women [TWS review]. And as the saying goes, once bitten forever smitten, especially since she shows up in Grace, thankfully, continuing in her NSFW body of work (pun intended), without clothes!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Strangers is playing at theater near Jews, while the other three open in limited release today

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

We’re currently oversaturated with movies about the war over in Iraq, and not enough about how it effects us back home. While Grace Is Gone may be as basic as any made for TV movie you’d find on basic cable, it’s still a touching little story about a husband whose wife is killed in battle and must figure out how to pick up the pieces, and eventually tell their two daughters that mommy aint coming home. The girls are adorable, herspecially the eldest (Shélan O’Keefe, who looks like a female Paul Dano) and it was a pleasure to see John Cusack act in a role that doesn’t require him to be an adult Lloyd Dobler. Be sure to check out the bonus feature that shows where the film drew its inspiration from

As for the best doc Oscar winner of ’85, The Times of Harvey Milk is REQUIRED viewing before anyone sees the facts and fiction get mixed in van Sant’s upcoming biopic, where Sean Penn will play Milk, California’s first openly gay elected official, who was assassinated along with San Francisco’s mayor George Moscone in 1978

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Indiana Jones and the
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First
Impression, Unless of Course Yer Indiana Jones
Trailers & Mo

Outside of our mostly glowing review and those of our fellow critics, there doesn’t seem to be many others out there showing love for Dr Jones and his journey to the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We hear what you’re saying about the script and the story (see below), and you have every right to be disappointed and pissed off, but didn’t you at least have fun watching the old man be whip-smart for possibly the last time? Now that your expectations of it living up to the first three haven’t been met, shouldn’t you give the film a second look before declaring war, like Germany, on the Jones boys? When we first saw Star Wars Episode III, we branded it with our No Stinking Badges label, but upon further review and putting away our already sharpened knives, the thang actually improved and we stepped it up to Jeepers Worth A Peepers status. Could the same happen to you, or are you juss sick to death (star) of giving George Lucas your milk money for his franchises that he keeps milking? We saw Skull a second time, a mere 3 days after the first viewing, and our thoughts purty much remain the same, although we’re ready to declare it as the least best film of the four

Aliens and shitty ILM CGI aside, what’s so wrong with Indy 4? Sure, the action and adventure may be a bit too much over the top, but wasn’t the same true of the other three films? The first two-thirds of Skull are awesome, but then things do start to get a bit clunky and whatevsy when they go down waterfall after waterfall, and make their way into the Kingdom. The main problem from keeping this puppy from fully satisfying the kid in us all is the lack of drama. You never feel that Indy and his crew are ever in any real danger or that they won’t succeed at whatever they’re trying to do (wait a second, what are they trying to do?)

We don’t blame Spielberg at all, as he keeps up his end of the bargain quite well with the production aspects, so all crap should be thrown at George Lucas. The only reason this film took so long to finally get made was cause Lucas kept saying that they were waiting for the right script. What about Frank Darabont‘s version (watch him ‘dish’ about the process)? Spiels and Harrison were both jazzed about it, but Lucas vetoed it, which may be the cinematic equivalent of vetoing a bill for stem-cell research. We know Lucas has every right to do whatever he wants to do with the franchise, but when did he become such the authority on storytelling these days? He used to have a great gift for it back in the day, but something happened along the way and he juss can’t reignite that fire anymo (Star Wars has been ruined forever). Since Darabont’s script won’t see the light of day and Skull is what it is, lettuce not even bother investigating that angle

Instead, lettuce focus our attentions on the guy who fleshed out the basic story Lucas came up with, which works fine for the most part, and put the dialog into the mouths of the actors, David Koepp. Sure he’s penned sum solid screenplays in his time (Spiderman 1, Panic Room, Carlito’s Way), but what does anyone expect from the dude who wrote War of the Worlds, Jurassic Park and Mission: Impossible? Those were all feasts for the eyes and poison for the ears. Compared with those films, Koepp actually elevates his game with Skull, but still, was that the best he could do, or was Lucas holding him back from handing in something better? Despite numerous entries on IMDb, there are no real memorable quotes. ‘I like Ike‘ is pretty effin lame. Why didn’t they go with something like ‘Russians, I hate em, cause they’re always in a hurry.’

Regardless (and Regarding Henry), the script never stopped us from having a good time, for either of our viewings, and it shouldn’t stop you neither. The only thing that could have prevented such a thing would’ve been killing off Indy in the first 10 minutes, which is much worser than the actual ending of Skull where the aliens kill him by making him watch Howard The Duck for 3 months straight, while Willie Scott sings anything goes in Latin

Get Yer Kicks: Cemetery Warrior #2 is played by Ernie Reyes Jr, who, alongside Gil Gerard, kicked major a$$ in the short lived but long loved mid 80s Disney Channel TV show Sidekicks [view show’s intro | pilot part I]

Them ‘Stakes Is High: Skull has 47 mistakes, and counting

Verdictgo: not the best Indy ever, but still a lot better than mos of the Hollywurst crap released, so we’re gonna stick by our Breast In Show

Indy is currently playing at a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Indiana Jones and the
Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Whip It Good!
Trailers & Mo

We were 3 1/2 years old when Raiders of the Lost Ark redefined what an action-adventure movie is, 6ish when our babysitter took us to see and vomit at the food and bugs of Temple of Doom, and at the ripe (and right) olde age of 11teen we bid a mos fond farewell to Dr Jones and his proud poppa (+ Sallah and Marcus Brody, who once got lost in his own museum) as they rode off into the glorious sunset that was The Last Crusade. So what is a grown up at 30earlysomething to make of a fourth adventure that was released way too long after the last one? Going in we didn’t expect perfection, and coming out, we now know that perfection is not what #4 hands in. And in all honesty, how could it?

Lettuce not even bother comparing the new one to the original trilogy (we need to see it at least 38912548 more times before doing such a thing), especially since those took place in the Naziriffic mid to late 30s and Skull exists in an entirely different era of post-atomic red menace. Speaking of menaces, at least Lucas and Spielberg had the right idea to go forward in time, and not back, which was a main reason the Star Wars prequels blew burrito chunks. We mean, where’s the fun in digging up a past that we already know the outcome of (Anakin Skywalker turns evil??!!? WHO WUDDA THUNK!)? Rest assure kiddes, cause Indy 4 delivers enuff of the goods to tickle yer fancies, and does indeed make up for those 3 Jar Jar stink bombs. Our screening pal Time Werespanko summed it up to a teet: Indy 4 was great cause it was like catching up with a set of dear old friends

About 20 minutes into Skull, you’ll give up questioning whether this is indeed an authentic Indy flick or not, cause at that point, the familiar look, sound and feel are all present and accounted for. Outside of Dr J and his long lost love Marion Ravenwood (the always radiant Karen Allen), all the other peeps are brand spanking new. LaBeouf-cake, as a greaser teen, and Blanchett, as the Soviet comradinatrix, are welcome additions to the long line of fab Indy characters, while Ray Winstone, John Hurt and Jim Broadbent will ultimately end up to be as memorable as Wu Han (wu who?). So what about the story? You won’t find any details or spoilers here folks (although it did remind us of the very first five episodes of DuckTales, culminating with the classic ‘Too Much Of A Gold Thing’ [watch]), but we will admit that this may not have been Indy’s mos memorable adventure to date. Nonetheless, the pacing is solid, as this thang zips right along juss like the first 3 joints did

We could go on and on and on til the break of dawn (real qwikly though, we loved the Paramount logo, the Marcus Brody Love and the rumble in the jungle, and the only shiz we coulda done without were the digital ILM animals), but we know yer gonna see it anywayz (unless yer a giant loser or are a Nazi). Like we said before, it’s certainly not perfect, but it’s still Indiana Mothersticking Jones and it won’t disappoint (or it will if yer anticipating the second coming of Raiders). Hell, put that fedora, leather jacket and whip onto Harrison Ford’s person and we’d still line up to see him each and every time, even if his next adventure involves 2 hours at the proctologist. We smell a fifth Indy, and a finger that smells like poop!

Poster Haste: Drew Struzan may not be a household name, but he mos def should be. He’s the fellow who’s designed some of the greatest movie posters of our modern times, including, but not limited to, all four Indys, the modern the Star Warses, The Goonies, Better Off Dead, Johnny Dangerously, Cannonball Run, Big Trouble in Little China, Adventures In Babysitting, DC Cab, the first four Police Academies and our personal fav Back To The Future

Nepotism Rules: Steven and Cate’s daughter Sasha Spielberg notches her fourth screen credit as the ‘slugger’ in Skull. The other three movies she has appeared in where Munich, The Terminal and the last theatrical film her mum acted in, The Love Letter

Seeing Red Carpet: Harrison, Karen, Shia and plenty of other special guests attend the very same screening we did. Lucky them!

Xtra Xtra: what, our mammoth post about Indy shiz wasn’t good e
nuff for u? Click here and den keep on clickin!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show for now, and we’ll give you a second opinion after we see it again this weekend

Indy is currently playing at a theater near Jews, and not that anyone should care, but War Inc opens on Friday, and juss in case you didn’t hear, it was more like War, STINKS!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Chronicles of Narnia:
Prince Caspian
Caspian See Worthy
Trailers & Mo

With news of two Hobbit flicks on the horizon, our LOTR void doesn’t seem quite as large as it once was, but that doesn’t mean we’ve completely given up on jonesing for it dight and nay. That’s where the Narnia Chronicles perfectly fits in, as their cinematic versions are like kiddie LOTRs. They’re also less muddled (and almos more entertaining) than the Potter movies, which suffer time and time again from trying to cram so much story (and that poinltess broom game) into so little time. Narnia 1 [TWS review with complete deconstruction of its DNA kiss and make-up] wasn’t beyond fraztastic, or thunderome for that matter, but it was what it needed to be and that was purty above aiiiiight with us. Narnia 2 is overall a lot better than 1, cause the action is grander (although you never see any blood), and while it may not be as magical or mythical as the first one, it’s more human, and therefore easier to sink yer teeth into

Caspian finds the four Pevensie kids (btw, why are all the male kids in that family so fargin hot, like William Moseley, who auditioned for the Harry Potter lead, and the girls are juss so plain jane, although we can’t really talk smack about Judy Garland doppelganger Georgie Henley, who isn’t even of a Bat Mitzvah age yet) a year removed from their adventures through the wardrobe. They’ve been summoned back to Narnia, but in that world 1,300 years have passed, and everything they knew has pretty much been destroyed. Luckily for us, that means less talking animals, although there are still some, like an annoying Eddie Izzard voiced mouse. Anywho, they’ve come back to help Prince Caspian (played by Ben Barnes, who’s acting is as wooden as the swords we used to buy at the Renaissance festival) reclaim his throne from his evil bearded uncle and evil bearded friends, and eventually become the new king of Narnia. That’s purty much the story, which takes a lil bit o thyme to get going, but once the action kicks in, this thang is totally sweet! Plus we get lil cameos from Wes Anderson and Arslan/Jesus/Liam Neeson’s voice, which almos made us cry when he eventually showed his mane. Not sold yet? Well, where else are you gonna see the giants of acting dwarfdom, Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis, chew up the scenery together or punch people in the groin (please note that they don’t punch anyone in the groin, although they should have cause its much easier for dwarves to do that than taller people)?

Step-Up Son: CS Lewis’ step-son, Douglas Gresham, has not only co-produced each of the movies, but also has had a cameo in both of em. Here’s a nice lil article on him growing up in the house of CS, but not about growing that awesome mustache of his

Death Became Them: CS Lewis died on the very same day that Kennedy was gunned down and Aldous Huxley kicked it, November 22nd, 1963

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Caspian is currently playing at a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Mister Lonely
Off The Wall
Trailers & Mo

Ever imagine what would happen if Michael Jackson and Marilyn Monroe visited an old age home together? Or if Buckwheat and Shirley Temple played in a chicken coop? Or if Queen Elizabeth had sex with Pope John Paul II? Probably not, but then again you don’t have the wondrous and twisted imagination that Harmony Korine has. Yeah, remember him, the wunderkind who wrote Kids (a movie we couldn’t see as a Freshman in college because it was NC-17 and we hadn’t turned 18 yet) and had his last painful effort Julien Donkey-Boy drop 9 years ago? Lettuce not dwell on what the hell he’s been up to this past decade and instead celebrate his triumphant return to cinema with Mister Lonely, his ode to celebrity impersonators that could end up being the funniest movies of the year, which isn’t produced by Judd Apatow, let alone have any jokes or gags in it

Diego Luna (the more dreamy Y tu Mama-er in our opinion) has enough trouble juss being himself, so by day he works the streets of Paris as a Michael Jackson impersonator. Although he’s got the costumes and all the right MJ moves down pat, he doesn’t speak the language and has trouble fitting in with the rest of society. That is until he crosses paths with a faux Monroe, played with heart-breaking bestness by Samantha Morton (is there any better set of eyes in acting today?), who whisks him away to a kooky, yet friendly neverland colony of other impersonators (Abe Lincoln, James Dean, the Three Stooges, Madonna, etc), which is run by Morton’s husband, an asinine Charlie Chaplin mimic (their screen daughter is actually played by Morton’s real life daughter Esme, who also has the same set of piercing eyes). In a seemingly unrelated side story, director Werner Herzog plays a priest guiding the light of a bunch of flying nuns (maybe they’re Sally Field impersonators?). Wha?

So what do all these shenanigans add up to? On the surface it sounds like a movie that’s weird juss for the sake of being weird, and in fact it is, but it’s also one of the more brilliant films we’ve seen in quite awhile. Korine’s movies are hard ones to recommend without reservations, but for those with an open mind, you’ll find it to be earnest and endlessly hilarious, although we can’t we still can’t tell if it’s intentional or not

Good Cover Version: what do Sophie Ellis Bextor, Elton John, Robbie Williams, Liam Gallagher, Phil Collins, Kylie, David Bowie, Bjork, Bono, Missy Elliot, George Michael, J-Lo, Paul McCartney, Craig David, Tom Jones, Keith Richards, Kurt Cobain, Rod Stewart, Meat Loaf, Cher, J Kay, Brian May, Mick Jagger Gary Numan and Jarvis Cocker all have in common? They’re impersonators star and sing in Pulp’s video for ‘Bad Cover Version’ [PulpWiki]

Recycled Linky Poo: we posted this a week or so ago, but now it’s more apt… Who Korine would like to be

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Son of Rambow
Kids Film The Darndest Things
Trailers & Mo

Apparently this is the year of overly cutesy movies about DIY filmmaking. Be Kind Rewind [TWS review] was the first out of the gate, but it couldn’t elevate itself much beyond it’s fly-arsed premise. Son of Rambow fairs a wee bit better, as it only tackles one homage instead of Gondry’s not so sweet dozen or so sweding fest, but it too is far from perfect. Rambow centers on two misfits growing up in the 80s, a bully and a sheltered kid hailing from a deeply religious family, who strike up an unlikely partnership and eventual friendship (woah, didn’t see that twist coming) by shooting their own take on the Sylvester Stallone classic. There has to be some drama thrown into the mix, so when other schoolmates join the sheltered kid on the set, much to the dismay of the bully, the two begin to drift apart. How it plays out is anyone’s guess, and if yer not really good at guessing, you’ll probably still guess correctly as to how it plays out. Regardless of its predictability, and under-usage of Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl‘s Chuck Bass) in a throw away role as the bully’s brother, the look, feel and vibe of Hammer & Tongs (the dudes who made Hitchhiker’s Guide and Blur’s ‘Coffee & TV’ video)’s second joint will keep you satisfied enuff from shooting an arrow thru yer head with a ramBOW

Family Ties: the minor role of Danny is played by Sam Kubrick-Finney, son of Anya Kubrick, who’s the daughter of Stanley. Here’s a pic of young Danny with his ma [wiki]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Redbelt
Martial Broken Law
Trailers & Mo

David Mamet and mixed martial arts. Doesn’t sound like a match made in heaven on paper, and on film, it’s a match made in limbo, as his latest, Redbelt is a mixed bag of martial artistry. His protagonist, Chiwetel Ejiofor (as always, perfectly chiwing up the scenery) is an honorable teacher of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, who, like mos Mamet characters, gets caught up in some sorta con game that throws him outta his element, and some
how involves Ricky Jay and his real-life wife Rebecca Pidgeon. The con is set up after Ejiofor saves Tim Allen’s life (although we wish he saved the world from any more Santa Clause flicks), and then TA & his Hollywurst cronies coerce him into one of those UFCish tournaments that he’d rather have nothing to do with, cause you see, he’s very honorable, and if we don’t keep reminding you, the film will. The ride to the big dance is swift and striking, like a karate chop to the neck, but as soon as the final showdown begins, this baby turns into some D-grade Jean-Claude Van Damme junk. Enter the ring at your own risk

Off The Street Fighting Men: czech out the Street Sports Jiu Jitsu blog run by Mamet’s own BJJ master, film consultant and bit actor Renato Magno

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

all three flicks open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…