Thighs Wide Shut

• Rupert Grint, so f$%ing HOT?

• Richard Pryor, not dead.

• Prince William, rougher than thou!

• BRUCE WILLIS IS GAY!

• Is he or is he not?

• Gotta love Liam Gallagher

• Snoozearamafest ’05!

• What’s lame-ier than Kevin Smith cooking lunch for Zach Braff? Zach Braff possib mc nabbing the role of Fletch in Kevin Smith’s version that he’s cooking.

• Leaked Xbox 360 photo?

• Ice Ice Gacy?

• Woody & Scarlett. That would make a great name for something, like a law firm, department store, or my two testicles. BTW- why does Scarlett J look like a cat? [via Ache Tongue]

• Boris Becker produced a mini-him in ‘five seconds’?

• Is the Serenity trailer the new Starship Troopers trailer? Both contain text, semi-bootleg lookin special F/X, k-list actors (sans Chiwetel Ejiofor), and killah music of the time, Serenity: Kasabian’s ‘Club Foot’ and Starship Troopers: Blur’s ‘Song 2’, from the 2nd verision of the trailer, which I couldn’t find. Anywho, since I love switching topics… I cantz bee leave that on my burstday circa 1997 I choose to see the Mr. Bean flick instead of the bug movie to end all bug movies. Soddly enuff, I finally saw it on the big screen in early ’98, whilst on vacation in CYPRUS! WHAAWQ#!@T???

• Enjoy WhoWantsToSexMutombo?.com whilst u still can-can, cause purty soon, the party will be over.

• Guess The Google

• This is cool [via Mustard King of Cavsland]

• Federal Agents Found & Destroyed 845 Pounds of Bologna & 100 Pounds of Cheese Someone Smuggled Into The United States From Mexico [via Mr Poon]

• The coolest 5 guys from the 80s [via Scamboogah!]

• Eyes wide open! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• There’s nuttin I enjoy more than Passover in Rockport, MD. Ahhhhh, the downin’ of me mumsy’s Matzoh ball soup that’s more mushy than dat stuff that lines my testicle sach, the searchin’ for Gary Coleman’s cousin, Afikomen, and of COURSE, the watchin’ of the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME STARRING YUL BRYNNER, CHARLTON HESTON, VINCENT PRICE, EDWARD G ROBINSON, and ANNE BAXTER (‘Oh Moses‘): THE TEN FORKING COMMANDMENTS. But WD$^YG@#@$WTFork!@!~#!!N$?~%R>!~?WHAT? You mean to tell me that it aint on tat all this year?!?!@##!? It usually airs on Palm/Easter Sunday cause it’s close to it’s inter-faith cousin Passover (not this year, spank u very much lunar calendar), but the brainiacs/people over at ABC, who I guess want to keep their jobs, decided to give it the Gas Face this year in lieu of my old flavorite show, and now my MOSTEST HATESTEST SHOW EVER: Desperate Housewives. C’mon, I don’t care if only 10 people wanna watch dem Commandments, you HAVE to air it. It’s now almost more of a tradition than Passover itself. Luckily I had another epic out from Netflix that was equal in runtime and awesomenessness: Ben-Hur. I mean, a guy’s gotta see Charlton’s chest one way or the other, and Planet of the Apes wasn’t an option. Correction: They actually did air it, on a Saturday no less, but either way that was jus plain uneggceptable!

• Oh yeah, if yer in DC, you’s should mos def czech out the National Gallery of Art’s Toulouse-Lautrec eggzibition! I mean, anywho who banged hookers like it was everybody’s bidness is worth devoting 30 minutes to!

• Tits official: the most washed-up band of the moment is HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH!! Why, cause they be scheduled to play my hometown’s annual Memorial Day weekend festivez. Last year’s recipient of this award went to Gin Blossoms & Live! Next year, all my money is on The Strokes!

• Related: Loggins & Messina to tour for the 1st time in 30 years! Will their last stop be next Memorial Day ’06 in MD?

• Blur eager to get back to work! And I’m as eager as me eating beaver to hear the results!

• First Sam, now John peacing the fork out? Not a great week for Mills. Watch yer back Judge Lane!

• George Lucas has no creativity left: Willow TV series?

• Ei8ht?

• Kate Moss To Join Pete Doherty’s Babyshambles??

• Elton to tie the penis this X-Mas?

• Amy Sedaris’ Bust

• Jarvis’ pa musta been one huge Cockermuffin

• Peep trailer to Jodie’s latest, Flightplan

• ONE TIME ONLY: Andy Rooney w/out a tie on! [watch the video]

• Two things I love: Charlotte Church and cleavage [SFW]

• Jason Mulgrew, Internet Quasi-Celebrity/Fascist/fan of SomeBlogs, got some link love via the NY Daily News. What am I, microwaved gefilte fish?

• PA cousins cross Mason-Dixon line into MD so they can wed legally + other fun! [via My Man Mavrkus]

• Don’t bee leave every headline u peep. I aint retiring… yet.

• Phew, we finally found a date for Liz Phair’s ‘X-Ray Man‘.

• Exploding Toads Baffle Experts

• Nazi monkeys

• The Jewish Rahzel/Marley [via Brawny Man]

• Everybody please welcome the 49ers into my family of Cliff Engle sweaters!

• And in the world of HRT the II, we’ve been spending quite a bit time apart from each other these daze. I’m in the midst of figuring out what the 7 herbs and spices in Kentucky Fired Chicken are and she’s been going around pro-whoring her new flick (pics below), House of Wax Dat A$$ (Letterman appearance May 2nd). Well I guess she hasn’t been doing much other dan dat, like updating her long dormant Friendster profile. Howevski, she’s been em-bare-tushing me all around town, wearing a rock on her finger that I didn’t even give her. The only piece of jew-ry I bestowed upon herness is this. Hopefully all will be well when we reunite at the Tribeca Film Fest screening/creaming this cuming Satur-lay. [via Ultrahotness/Jus Jared/Yep Yuppie/Tr3nt Lotz]

• What is wrong with you Steve Hartman?

• Keith Haring’s Pop Shop to close this September? Coney Island turning into Corny Island? What?!?! Girlhattan, thanks for ruining my pre-Passover eggstaticnessness.

• Their kids would be so boring, fugly, and have deeper voices than James Earl Jones speaking into a funnel. Maybe they can play with Dr & Mrs Zzzzz‘s future kidszzz.

• Not so ‘Good Vibrations‘. Where’s the Mike Love?

• How’d I miss the fact that Chunk attended Lebowski Fest LA (see 6th pic down)? And what’s all this 7/23 nonsense?

• Will the Hansons be the next Nelsons?

• When did Mischa go and get a ‘© Fox’ tattoo?

• Hey James Stanford, thanks for the apology, but yer still a cockmuffin and 3/4. I was honored to be your third target of yer pointless character assassinations, but you boviously didn’t do your research forkface. Sure, I may write like 3rd grader and in a huge point size, but that’s what the people (don’t) pay to read. Plus it’s Cuthbest I fancy the mostest, not Kirsten Dunst, you Dunstcap. I also found it rather comical that his apology email came from the following email address. You stinkin PoopHEAD!!! May you eat watermelons in hell with Hitler.

• How could anyone pass up the op to buy the new Weezer disc for $4.99??

• Is it me or does this Katie Holmes nip slip pic smell fishy to you?

• Why Pt II

• Two gems from the Mask: Abe Vigoda Status & NWA’s Straight Outta Compton, with nuttin but cuzz words!

• Qatar to Replace Camel Riders with Robots AND Police in Arizona Seek Monkey for SWAT Team??? If any of yous Hollyword peeps are reading this, lettuce make the world’s greatest script combining both of those stories, add some sorta giraffe sub plot, cast myself, Daniel-Day Lewis & HRT the II, and WHAM-o, Box Office Cash Cow!! [via Mr Thought & Pure Boy]

• For my first duty as Pope Eggs Benedict Arnold the MIXLIX’s personal bitch, he wants me to send out some birthday blessings on this 4/20, to Der Adolf ‘Watermelon Maniac‘ Hitler. Well, since I hate the bastard (not the Pope), I can’t be apart of such crapsense. Instead, I send all my b-day love to one J.D. Roth, the host of Fun House, which happens to be the 3rd greatest kid’s game show of the late 80’s, behind Double Dare & I’m Telling! [Pope pic via All Tings Christie]

• Advanced ticket sales for Revenge of the Sith are already nick goings on, but screw dat, cause wees should all be packing our hip airline bags and head to London, for a MARATHON SCREENING OF ALL SIX FILMS!

• Who knew the jackass of all jackassages was back in bidness? Scratch that!!! Anwyho, if u want to read some of his shiz, czech the cache.

• Natalie ‘Cinnabon’ Hotness + Javier Bardeemedthegreatest + Milos Formanforallseaons = CAN’T WAIT OSCAR GOLD!

• Gandalf and Doc Ock join the cast of da Da Vinci Code. So far, they’ve only one made on casting mistake: Tom Hanks.

• Salman Rushdie thinks Britney should name her baby ‘Javelin’ and other fun!

• Peep an early review of the Strangers w/Candy flick. [via Levitticus Chapter 69]

• Nicolette as Bree would have been Bad Idea Jeans.

• Speaking of those Jeans… Spaceballs The Flamethrower Cartoon

• Salma Foxx?

• I guess I’ll be going gay sooner than I thought. Btw, I think I may have to add Diego Luna to that list too. He’s juss so dreamy and always looks like he’s having the time of his life. I want him to throw tacos in my mouth all day long.

• Lettuce hope Oasis put a lil more effort into the album’s music, than they did into the artwork. Almost more zzzzzz than this.

• The Beatles were such prima donnas!

• Were you lame enuff to not buy Air’s brill-yant Talkie Walkie? Then download the whole thang!

• I’m goin to the pre-shmear, but you NYCers can see House of Wax Dat A$$ fo free! The answer to the question is ‘GILMORE GIRLS’.

• Don’t forget to keep votin’ for the short film I’m in, How To Make It In New York on $15 a Day, for Frontier Airlines’ Cloud 9 Film Festival!

• Buy some limited edition Gorillaz prints.

• Star Trek meets the Civil War [via MetaFiltertips]

• Ye olde Pop-Up books

• And I told Jared that if he keeps providing us with all this Her Royal Cuthsplurteness, I may have to name him Gran Moff Archduke of Thighland the I. So go there to see pics of Thy Lady of Thighs, but in the meantime, I gots to give a lil love to my sorta-forgotten Thighcubine, the owl-face-o-licious, Devon Aoki and two of her Sin sistahs!

• Damon cries in the name of the Kaiser Chiefs. Speaking of, they were listed on the mega-bill with the Killers, Keane, etc, for the June show at Merriweather Post Pavilion, but aint on the Ticketbastard page. Anywho, the tix for the go sale Saturday. Maybe I should go to this. I mean, the last time I was there was to see the Wu-Tang Clan back in 1643. My friend Raykwan drank so much, he puked here, there, and everywhere, and was hugging a tree by night’s end.

• It better be called 3 Fast, 3 Furious OR ELSE!

• Does this mean we’ll be forced to see Rampling’s jungle of a bush again?

• The Thrills demanded to know ‘What Ever Happened to Corey Haim‘, well, after looking at this pic and watching this interview, they may wanna withdrawl that question. I feel so bad for the guy, but hey, if Gus van Sant ever decided to make a shot for shot remake of The Goonies, he could always cast him as Chunk, and let Vince Vaughn play Sloth. Anywho, wanna remember happier, leaner times for the Haimster? Click here and go past Frank & Pat. [via MerWiz]

• Sorry lizadies, but Alan Thicke is off the market, AGAIN.

• This is almost as painful to watch as any J-Lo movie. [via Ceffle Diddle Daddle]

• 99% Plastic & 1% Woman, and 2112% pointless.

• It’s no Hasslecrotch, but good enuff. [via Xerofall]

• Driver’s Nose Broken By Frozen Sausage

• Ron Mexico Name Generator & A blog dedicated to aeiral Google Maps [vias Gorilla Mozilla]

• Oh, and for those who care about such thangs, by the time I finished writin’ this post, me & the Mrs. kissed and made up. We also licked each other’s grundles for 3 straight and gay hours. After that, we moseyed on over to Popeyes for a 10-piece dark meat dinner special. We also had time post-grease fest to go to Sears and get a portrait dunn up with some of our closest friends: Pat, Numma Newms, Bud, Paris, and even the Kid. We truly are the luckiest people in the world.