Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Thursday, May 27

Have Your Cake
And Beat Off Too

OK, this pictorial is months overdue, but butter late than margarine, eh? Remember this douche bag?
I put the dumb in Adam

He's the Average Joe who was pimping for some average ho's. I was invited to a screening since one of the gals I grew up with, Jen A, was a "contestant". After the party, like any D-list star stalker, I approached Jen A and all the other "contestants" in attendance, including eventual "winner" Samantha Trenk (she's the one in the middle), and begged them to take a picture with me and my former John Lennon circa Sgt Peppers stache.

apparently chicks love the color purple
[Props de leon to Elisia for the pic!]

- What on gawds good earth is going on in the Blogga-sphere? First dearest Uncle Grambs' site gets knocked out and now Scott Stereoshizzle's? Lets just pray that Wil Wheaton has enuff cheddar to keep his site running.

- After sending a suicidal email to loved ones and then pulling a DB Cooperesque disappearance, Helen DeWitt, author of the novel The Last Samurai, was found in good working condition. Ya know, if I wrote that book and it was turned into an uber-boring movie starring Tom Cruise, I'd contemplate ending it all too!

sometimes bloggers need not show their faces... now u know why
- Word on the street is that DC blogging ho bags Wonkette and Washingtonienne Jessica Cutler are going to pose for Playboy. If that shiz happens, it'll be the lowest selling issue evs and I'll cut off my penis.

- Sometimes the internet can be a bad thing. Eggsample, Ogre Porn. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Sick of that ugly mug you got attached to yer neck? Now you can be as cool as John Travolta and Nic Cage and get that Face/Off . [Link via Tim "Fucker" Altie]

- Tell me you heard about shark-toothed Jewel's performance that even Comic Book Guy would have declared the worst concert ever. As soon as she came out to perform she began to insult the audience, from poking fun at fat people to others with no teeth. Like she's one to talk. Her chompers are nastier than microwaved tuna covered with urine from a NYC subway bum. And at one point, she told everyone to stop looking at her teeth and look at her breasts. Eeesh, that surely sounds like the worst concert since what dearest Uncle Grambs dubbed a "back alley abortion of a performance put on by Beck @ Coachella." Hey Jewel, time to go back to Alaska and open cans with those pearly yellows of yers.

my boobs cause too much trouble
- Finally, we get the real scoop on this whole Lohangate scandal from one of the men involved, Lindsay's pa Michael "Gawd Bless Your Sperm" Lohan. Apparently his brother-in-law was having a little too much fun after LL's lil bro Cody's First Communion and had to be beaten with Mike Lohan's shoe!! My guess is that the altercation stemmed from the brother-in-law dude making lewd comments about LL's bazoombas and the fun-awfulness that is Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. And speaking of Lohan and thighs wide open, czech out this hot photo. [Link via Mizz Modern Rage]

- Would you bee leave for a second that a clown named Spanky could be capable of child pornography? Shame on you Spanky!! I told you to stop hanging out with Pee-Wee Herman and Jeffery Jones! [Link via Flea]

- Who's Cocoa Pete? Who cocoa cares.

cookie pussies
- Carvel Ice Cream turned 70 and to celebrate, they wents out and broketh the Guinness™ Record for
the world's largest birthday cake. Nothing this cool has been attempted since Uncle Buck made those mammoth pancakes. Maybe for their 100th b-day they'll break their own world record and bake the world's largest Fudgie the Whale.

- I didn't really think about enlarging my shlong until I received this piece of spam 4 TIMES TODAY:

From: "Emery Ferguson"
Subject: you must be small bose
Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 20:58:00 +0600

You've heard about these pills on TV, in the news, and online and have probably asked yourself, "Do they really work?" The answer is YES! IGF2 is a powerful erection enhancing product that will create erections so strong and full that over time your penis will actually grow as a direct result! If you would like a more satisfying sex life then IGF2 is for you!
THE BENEFITS OF IGF2
1. Gain Up To three* Full Inches In Length!
2. Increase Your Peeeniiis Width (Girth) By 20%!
3. Stop Premature Ejaculation!
4. Produce Stronger, Rock Hard Erections!
5. 100% Safe To Take, With NO Side Effects!
6. Fast Priority Shipping WorldWide!
7. Doctor Approved And Recommended!
8. No Pumps! No Surgery!

http://rd.yahoo.com/procrustean/dreamt/concave/*http://global-offers.biz/?xp65526z

This is f-in horrrrrrrrrible,
but I had to share it with you, my peeps
do you smell picture of the weak?
[Damn you Tim "Fucker" Altie!]


# Have Your Cake
And Beat Off Too