Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Tuesday, January 4

Lewis V. Sills For President

I know we're less than 4 years away from choosing our next President, but may I offer you a candidate with no eggspeareance or qualifications twatsoever, yet has the gift of impersonation that rivals the bill paying skills of Phil Hartman and Fletch: LEWIS V. SILLS. What, you've never heard of Lewis V. Sills, of Elkridge, MD? Why over the past month alone he pulled off some of the mos deft string of wire transferring of cash scams in our lifetime. It's not just that he hoodwinked Redskin legend Darrell Green & Campbell's Chunky Soup pitchman Donovan F. McNabb out of 1.5k combined, but how he did it... by convincing them over the phone that they were other NFL players who were in need of some qwik-a$$ed cash! This is how I imagine how the phone calls went (some facts were used and crap was used to fill in the rest)...

Lewis V. Sills calling all around good guy Darrell Green pretending to be Ravens' LB Peter Boulware:
LVS: Yo, Darrell! Wassup dawg? It's yer boy Pete Boulware!
DG [confused]: Uh, hi Pete.
LVS: How are things at the United Way and yer daughter Jarrell?
DG [still confused]: Uh, great. We're just opening up a whole new center in...
LVS [interrupting]: That sounds great Darrell, but my cousin Lewis Sills' has been having a lot of financial problems lately, like feeding his baby's mama appetite for bling.
DG [still still confused]: I see.
LVS: Yeah, uh, well, can you like wire him $900 bones to a Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland?
DG [at this point udderly bewildered]: Uh sure, I'll get right on it.
Lewis V. Sills calling McNabb posing as Redskins' scrub WR and former teammate of D Mc, James Thrash:
LVS: Yo, Donnie Mc! Wassup dawg? It's yer boy from the way day, James Thrash!
DMc: Uh, hey Thrash. What's going on fool? I'm a lil busy slurping down some delicious Chunky Noodle Soup.
LVS: I hear ya, yo. But I got a qwik ass favor to ask.
DMc [while slurping soup]: Shoot.
LVS: Look, I know I have a multi-million dollar contract, but I need some money mad fast so I can pay for my baby momma's baby's birthday party at Chuck E Cheeseses. Can you spare $600 clams, yo?
DMc [so puzzled by that request that he puts down his bowl of soup]: Look Thrash, we haven't talked all year, cept when me and T.O. were talkin smack when we whooped up on yer sorry a$$ Skins both times this here year, but now you come a knockin looking for some bills?
LVS: Look I know it this sounds crazy, but I know you sleep with the head of Campbell's Soup and I'll go public if you don't pay up.
DMc [frightened like a grown-up near any of the Children of the Corn]: Uh sure, Thrashikins. Tell me where to go and when.
LVS: Thanks Donnie. You we're always the hiz-niz-shiz. Wire that stizz to the Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland...
Lewis V. Sills calling Warren Sapp, claiming to be Laveranues Coles, who to my knowledge, has no connection with Sapp:
LVS [sounding like a seasoned vet]: Yo, Sappy! Wassup dawg? It's Lasverneous and I need for you to wire me 18 Ben Franklins to the Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland.
WS [angry, in the Sapp way]: Who the f&%k is this?
LVS: It's Lasverneous Coles.
WS [gettin snippy]: If this is Laveranues Coles, then how come you call yourself Lasverneous?
LVS: Look, I need some qwik ass cash or my ass is deader than the dead presidents that I need for you to wire me.
WS [very skeptical of caller]: Hold on a sec.
[Warren then proceeds to call his financial manager, Jeff Rubin, discusses what just occurred and both agreed that the dude on the phone was not bona fide. Rubin then wires $525 and notifies the local police dept]
WS [returns to phone ]: Uh sure, Lasverneous. It will be there. PEACE!
Our story ends with our candidate in '08, Lewis V. Sills, showing up at his favorite grocery store in Elkridge, MD, mcgrabbing the cash. Then moments later, the boys in blue arrived, attempted to arrest him, he ran, then fought with officers, before finally being detained and arrested. He later was released on bail. The Keystone Kops of Elky, MD broke open the case by learning of the Green and McNabb mcswipes, and two days after that Sills was arrested again for doing similiar scams to other peeps. Leonardo DiCaprio has already bought the rights to Sills' story and will star as Lewis V. in a biopic to be directed by Jean-Luc Godard. Btw, Beverly Sills could not be reached for this story or a sudden wire transfer of monies.


# Lewis V. Sills For President