Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Thursday, July 28

Steal(th) This Movie!

Stealth
Eddie & The Cruisers Losers
View Trailer

Dearest Thigh Master, may I ask your permission to please ruin this movie for everyone before it's released? Well, since the movie itself is a bigger ruin than Circus Maximus and I'm asking myself this question the answer is Ernie ELLs YES!! What do you get when you mix the ultra lame cheesy parts of Top Gun, the special effects of TV's Sliders, the tripodless camerawork of The Blair Witch Project, the deep dialog of Saved By The Bell, with a robot child named 'Eddie', which seemed to be a bastard child of the Flight of the Navigator's tentacle robot and monotone HAL from 2001? I'll give you a hint, it contains the word 'steal' in it and that’s whatit'll do to your wallet if you go and see the film that almost made me slit my eyes out more than Be Cool.

And now for the ruining part, cause you really should stay more clear of this film than licking the grass in Chernobyl. So the hot shot trio of Jessica 'I always look swimingly well in a bathing suit' Biel, that really annoying Josh Lucas kat, and a fresh from Ray Jamie Foxx, who probably wishes he was in Ray 2: Ray Smacks More Smack Than He Smacks His Women instead of this, are like some kind of important Navy fighter pilot peoples who fly super-crazy hi-tech planes that are like crazy and shit. Then one day, the apple chomping Sam Shepard, who is like a totally jerk chicken arsed version of Top Gun's Tom Skerritt, decides to unleash an even morer super-crazyier hi-techier plane that is even morer like crazy and stiz. But this plane, 'Eddie', has a mind of its own and pilots itself cause some super genius guy, who is almost less genius than Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, named Keith Orbit, who lives in Seattle cause I guess sorta smart people live there, designed it that way. Well, the hot shot human trio are more skeptical of 'Eddie' than I am of a Vince Vaughn movie. And they have every right to be cause after 'Eddie' gets struck by lightning, he does all sorts of out of character things like place perverted phone calls to Dakota Fanning, download every song on the internet (really did happen in the movie, cept he seemed to only like Nu Metal), and shoot things that it shouldn't, like Asian buildings and Asian people. And what happened to Anthony Edwards' Nick 'Goose' Bradshaw in Top Gun happens to Jamie Foxx's Henry Purcell in Stealth. That is they boths died in the skied earlyonish in the flick. But unlike Top Gun you don't really care for any of the characters and you wish they all were obliterated by 'Eddie' and The Cruise Missiles. 'Eddie' tried his best, on behalf of the audience, to off J Biel, but she jumped ship and parachuted into North Korea (always a good source for movie evil and thirds acts that don't need to eggsist). She's then left for dead behind enemy lines by Sam Shepard, who was too busy eating apples and reciting the lines from the trailer. But Josh Lucas kinda likes her cause that's what the plot wants us to think and he becomes friends with 'Eddie' and then they goes to Korea to rescue his bizatch. In the end, 'Eddie' kills himself so Josh Pukeas can save his honey comb. Wow, who knew that 'Eddie' was such a sweet robot flying plane thing with not so killer tunes from a pointless movie with F+ level effects? I sure wish I didn't.

Recommended for those who like: diaper rash, BK Chicken Fries, and movies by the director of the first Skulls... not to be confused with the THIRD Skulls

Possible Porno Name: S.T.E.A.L.T.H. Is The New M.I.L.F.

Unsatisfied with this? Of course you are, Netflix Starship Troopers

UPDATE: I think Ebert read my review and stole most of my ideas


# Steal(th) This Movie!