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Monday, May 8
Mini's First Time
A Baldwin Lose-Lose Situation
Trailer
US Release Date - this summer? Fitting, since mos summer fare blows the donkey balls yer mother tickles with her tongue
Written like 3 back to back busted-arsed episodes of Entourage (wait, aren't they all busted-arsed?), Mini's First Time is a complete failure. You sit there and watch, waiting for it to be good, but it never quite delivers the goods. Mini's First Time is exactly what you think it is: a girl's first time. But instead of treating it as a coming of age story, it's more like the becoming of a whore story. Our Mini is played by the one-note Nikki Reed, who seems to be a 17 year-old version of the lecherous anti-christ she played in the harrowing flick that make me never want to have kids, Thirteen. And this time around, instead of ruining the lives of people her own age, she's turned her attention to ruining the lives of her heavily loose and heavily drunk mother and stepfather, Carrie-Anne Moss and Alec Baldwin, both respectively wasting their time. You see, for no particular reason, Mini decides to turn tricks and her first client juss so happens to be her stepfather. She goes through with it, but makes sure he doesn't know its her. Hmmm, he muss be purty dumb to not even recognize his own stepdaughter's voice. Anywho, shortly thereafter, it's revealed that she was indeed his fuck for a night and the two embark on a hot and heavy relationship, which to me was so unsettling that I couldn't get behind them, and thus, couldn't get behind anything that transgressed from that point forward. They try their best to keep their affair a secret, but they realize that her mom/his wife is standing in their way of true happiness. Since both don't want her disposed of, they attempt to drive her crazy so she can be admitted to Arkham Asylum, but of course, thru reasons that aren't even worth my werds, they end up offing her. Blah, blah, blah. Detective Luke Wilson comes in and starts snoopin around and blah, blah, blah. Mini = MC Skat Kat + Poopie2. Lettuce be spankfully that the first time won't likely begat a next time.
Recommended for those who like: Sophocles' Oedipus Rex, bearskin blankets, and the wit and wisdom of Dr Ian Malcolm
Possible Porno Name: Mini's First Time
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Lolita [old | new]
Apt MPupil3: 'Pretty Girls Make Graves' by The Smiths [d]
IMDb Sweeney: Svetlana Metkina may not be a household name, but I bet many have screamed her name while JOing to her fine NSFW work in Barbarian
TFF Thighspotting: someone thought me mum was Mary Stuart Masterson's mum, although my mum is 24234 times better lookin, I mean, where do u think I got my franztastic semitic-looks from?
John Grisham's Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous
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