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Thursday, December 17
Avatar
Your Body of Work Is A Wonderland
Trailers & Mo | Official Website
James Cameron is king of the world once again, but this time it's one that's far from earth (Pandora, not to be confused with the poop that was Pandorum) and spankfully far from Billy Zane's hammy acting (Giovanni Ribisi and Stephen Lang pick up the slack here, but aren't nearly as hammy sangwich). His long gestating Avatar has finally hit the big screen, and with all it's udderly franztastic CGI-motion capture bells & dazzling 3-Dimensional whistles, this baby is not only truly BIG, it's cussin GIGANTIC! We wanted to hate on this film (the trailer didn't wow us at all, and them blue people seemed like they wouldn't even give themselves blue balls), but any early sign in the film of possible faltering (traces of a blah Pocahontasish plot, bad humans treat the earth poorly allegories galore + the overly-irritating Joel Moore) is quickly brushed aside as one's eyes marvel endlessly at the visual masterpiece on display, which isn't dull for a single minute out of it's total of 162 of em!! You go JC!
Wanna know some plot details? Well, like humans have effed up earth and are out of oil and other resources so of courses they need to nick it from some other planet (it's like V in reverse, but not like the new awful V!) and the planet they get their dirty hands on is one like FernGully filled with Dr Manhattan's feline cousins. The humans want the planet's goods at any costs, but a group of scientists led by Cameron's olde pal Sigourney Weaver bring a humanistic element to the military's forceful arm. Wonder if they'll be some headbutting? One of her main helping hands dies so they enlist his twin brother (Sam Worthington, making up for that Terminator whatevs) and then they like avatar him into the DNA of like one of them blue people things (they called the Na'vi, not to be confused with Navi The Terrible Bowler) and then he basically gets in good with the real blue cat peoples, but of course they don't trust him, and then they do, but maybe they ultimately don't, but either way, he totally sweats the flyest one (Zoë Saldaña, hot in any color), and stuff and things and then the military folk like want to move in and do stuff and then our avatar guy is conflicted, cause he totally wants to milk them blue boobs (who doesn't) and then they fly on things in the air and it's breathtaking and it will take your breath away and like take your eyes to like new heights, like even mo so than Melrose Heights 9021024026! You go JC!!
Damn yo, Avatar was far from Avatarded. It was mo like Avatartarsaucelicioius! Sweet! Fun! Dazzle Dizzle! Seeing is bequeathing!! And if yer ever gonna go and see it, the theater's the only way to go dawg go, so there you is. Eat it Lucas and go JC!!!
Zoe 102: justin case you forgot what she looks like as an actual human...
Verdictgo: can't beeleave it weself, but Breast In Show!
Avtar opens everywear tomorrows!
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...
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