Thighs Wide Shut

Iron Man
Art Favreau
Trailers & Mo

The last two summers began with movies that were more lackluster than blockbuster. 2006 brought us the overbloated and unnecessary Mission Impossible III (there shouldn’t have been a Mission Impossible I in the first place), and in 2007, the giant mess that was Spidey 3 [TWS review] got tangled up in more webs than the world wide has urls. Well set yer mind at ease cause Iron Man kicks off this summer’s crop of big budget fiascos with a mighty bang (for your buck) and not a wimpy (but we’d still gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today). It’s easily the mos enjoyable superhero extravaganza released since Spidey 2, and would you expect anything less from a flick that stars an Oscar winner (Gwyneth Paltrow), 3 other Academy Award nominees (Robert Downey Jr, Terence Howard, and Jeffery Lebowski Bridges), had script doctoring by the dudes who wrote the screenplay for Children of Men (in retrospect, we probably should have picked it as the bestest flick of 2006), is executively produced by Ralphie and features the dopest Stan Lee cameo to date? We thought snot

In a few short years, Jon Favreau has transformed himself from a (sorta) lovable loser actor into a solid director, whose specialty seems to be blending the worlds of real and fantasy. Elf and Zathura (one of the mos funnestistest titles to say out loud) were juss baby steps leading up to this confessed fanboy’s first foray into the comic book genre. He’s right at home here, and to no real sirprize, so is his star Robert Downey Jr, having oodles of fun playing a playboy zillionaire turned iron giant. We all of know RDJr’s past issues, but with solid work in 13 films since 2003 (Zodiac being the tops, obviously) he’s quickly gone from less than zero to everyone’s hero. He may seem like an unconventional choice for a film like this, but it was a choice that certainly paid off, as his performance, in our refined opinions, ranks right up there with Christopher Reeve and Adam West as best screen superheros mt EVERest. Iron Man, we give you mad RoboProps, and can’t wait to see a sequel

Iron Butterflies: the theme from the ’66 cartoon, where Tony Stark lands on Forbes‘ Fictional 15 richest list, and Ghostface ‘Ironman/Tony Stark’ Killah rumored cameo + Samuel L and Hillary Swank’s are MIA, or are they?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Fugitive Pieces
Holocaust Deficiency
Trailers & Mo

If you see one Holocaust themed film this year, you may have to wait a little longer cause this isn’t the one the to see (and we weren’t entirely sold on The Counterfeiters either [TWS review]). There’s no concentration camps to be found in this lyrical tale of an orphaned Polish kid (played later in life by Thomas Jefferson), who later finds surrogate love from a Greek geologist (Boris The Blade), but has trouble allowing himself to love others after he dies (although having sex with Rosamund Pike probably isn’t the wurstest thing to happen to a man w/o love to give). This film is unquestionable beautiful, but like its lead’s emotions, it feels kinda empty and lacks, for lack of a better word, concentration. It meanders back and forth from the past to the present, all leading up to a point where he’s finally able to make peace with his demons and open his heart to another (Ayelet Zurer, aka, Eric Bana’s hot Israeli wife in Munich). If you can get to that point and you’re still awake, we congratulate you, cause we were almost asleep in a pile of Reese’s Pieces

Exercising The Demons: Zurer can next be seen in da Da Vinci Code prequel Angels & Demons, opposite Tom Hanks (hopefully not with that hair) and Ewan McGregor

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

21
Pretty Busted
Trailers & Mo

Ben Mezrich’s book Bringing Down The House about real-life MIT students, who go from totally geek to totally chic, by counting cards and big bills in Vega$ is well worth reading. When it came time to turn it into a film, unfortunately, that title had already been used for a Steve Martin-Queen Latifah joint, so they had to change the name, and even more unfortunately, for Hollywood storytelling purposes, they changed much of what made the book so compelling. Our Asian protagonist has been replaced by an Anglo-Saxon (albeit a damn dreamy JOable one) one, all the specific rules that protected the team from getting caught have sorta been tossed to the side, and instead of having them travel to casinos across the country, the film only focuses on Vegas, and in particular to the Planet Hollywood Casino (we had no idea Planet Hollywood was still in bidness, let alone ran a gaming facility). Despite what was omitted, the film is entertaining, but it’s what was added to the story that doesn’t boat our
float (Laurence Fishburne’s disgruntled old-school eye in the sky security manager who beats people up, yet the book makes endless points of why casinos no longer bully card counters with fists + our Anglo-Saxon’s lameazoid schoolmates who know nothing of his double life and eat up way too much screentime, hispecially Josh Gad, who hands in the wurstestest movie geek/sidekick performance mt EVERest and FUJIest)

21 marks the third not-so fab screen pairing of Kevin Spacey and Kate BOOOsworth. The first two were the now forgettable Superman Returns [TWS review] and a film we dubbed ‘the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER!‘, Beyond The Sea/Watchable [TWS review]. We’re praying to Jesus AND Moses that there isn’t a fourth pairing

Swimming With Card Sharks: read the book, skip the movie, and juss enjoy the opening of the classic game show Card Sharks [vid|empee3]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Iron and Pieces open Friday, while 21 continues to play in a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Where in the World
Is Osama Bin Laden?
Unintentionally Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World
Trailers & Mo

When reviewing the super gimmicky, yet super effective Super Size Me [TWS review] we flazamed, we ‘don’t see much of a future for [director/McDonalds ingester Morgan] Spurlock, unless he attempts to eat Popeyes every day for a year.‘ Well, Spurs didn’t heed our advice for his follow-up and decided to tackle a topic, which many of his fellow documentarians have recently taken up ad nauseum, that is way out of his league. Ya see, not like anyone really cares, but Morgs is about to have a baby with his wife Alex, and being a pseudo-adult, he’s wondering if this world is safe enough for a kin of Spurlock. So he takes it upon himself to find out by heading to the Middle East hot spots and try to answer the film’s title problem. Or so it seems, but it’s like he’s going up the river without a paddle, or even a boat. If he wanted to answer that golden question, he needed to speak with an entirely different set of people. Not that it woulda mattered anywayz, cause even if he did met with more appropriate talking heads, he wouldn’t have posed the right questions. The (wo)man-on-the-street interviewees we do get to spend time with are worth listening to, but the vanilla queries he poses shoulda given birth to a title more fitting like, Hey You Muslims, What Do You Think About America and Americans? A for the sorta effort pal, but B for stick to the burgers

Photochop Salad: is there anything butter than Super Thighs Me?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Constantine’s Sword
Holy Cross To Bear
Trailer & Mo

James Carroll is one incredible man. He’s a former Catholic priest turned outspoken writer and critic of the Church’s policies and practices, yet he has always remained a man of deep faith and devotion. His book Constantine’s Sword: The Church and the Jews – A History, if you couldn’t guess, explores the deep connection between antisemitism and the Catholic Church’s ongoing love affair with it, from the death of Jesus, to Constantine’s conversion to Christianity, to Hitler’s final solution. Six years after the book’s successful release, soft-spoken, but hard knocking Carroll has teamed up with filmmaker Oren Jacoby to deftly paste images to the text. In the doc, the two go a step further and draw parallels from past actions, where church and state walk hand in hand, to the present day, where America seems to be involved its own holy war against Islam. All of this may not sound like some revelatory epiphany, but it’s refreshing to have someone from within examine it, instead of the usual suspects, aka the Jews. Yes, even us Jews are sick of Jews talking about antisemitism

Carroller: don’t confuse our man JC with the other JC, of Basketball Diaries fame

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

The First Saturday in May
Win, Place, Show & Tell
Trailer & Mo

If you can decipher what event the title of this doc is referencing than you’ll be more downs than Churchill to czech it out. If not, don’t be afraid, cause it’s never too late to make a run for the roses. Still haven’t figured out what the devil and Max Devlin we’re talking about yet, even with the pic of all the purty horses above? The event is The Kentucky Derby, the first and most important leg of horse racing’s Triple Crown, and it’s been held every year since 1875 (although the inaugural race didn’t land on the first Saturday in May, BASTARDS!!!). This doc isn’t a history of the event, but a look at six colorful trainers, from all different backgrounds, and their beloved equines, as they attempt the impossible: have their horse become one of lucky twenty thoroughbreds, out of the 40,000 born each year, to be selected to run in the derby. The directors, the brothers Hennegan, couldn’t have picked a more perfect year to follow, 2006, the year of Barbaro. If that doesn’t ring any bells, we won’t expound any further, so you can experience the ride from start to photo finish. The Derby is known as ‘the most exciting two minutes in sports’, and it’s a pleasure to have a film that documents everything leading up to it, which may not be as exciting, yet is equally as fascinating

What’s In A Name: a site all about how Barbaro got his

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all flicks open in limited release tomorrow

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Visitor
Cause In America They Only Take Visa
Trailers & Mo

 

Thomas McCarthy may not be known for his acting (although we’re sure you’ve seen him before… he’s Scott Templeton on The Wire and the son searching for the flags of his father), but the dude definitely understands what the craft is all about. As the writer and director of the affecting Station Agent (or as our forgetful mother calls it, The Station Master), he perfectly captured and put on display pure human emotions. Take the character of Finbar for example. It was so well written and portrayed by Peter Dinklage that his career as ‘that surly acting dwarf’ has forever been changed to one where he’s a go-to actor for a role of any size (pun sorta intended?). McCarthy’s follow-up, The Visitor, works the same magic mojo, and this time it’s Richard Jenkins turn to take center stage and break outta ‘that guy’ roles (probably best known as Nate Fisher, Sr)

Jenkins plays widowed professor Walter Vale, who has lost all lust for life. That is of course until he meets two illegal immigrants, Tarek and Zainab (Haaz Sleiman and Danai Jekesai Gurira, also emoting quite well), who have taken up refuge in his barely lived-in Manhattan apartment without his knowledge. At first he wants to send the two packing, but then he changes his mind and allows the two to stay. Good thing for him, cause Tarek teaches Walter how to play drums, which in turn opens up his long dormant heart. A whole movie could have been made of juss drum circles and smiling, but the film doesn’t take the easy way out. Tarek is nabbed by the cops and sent to a detention center for illegal aliens. Walter takes it upon himself to do anything he can for his new friend, but in a post 9/11 world, nothing is easy, especially for an unwelcomed visitor from an Arab nation. McCarthy is surely making a statement about our country, but he avoids hitting us over the head with it. He’s more interested in the simple kindness of people than the complexity of politics, and that’s one of the main reasons why the film is more effective than all those Iraq warish terroristish duds that remind us how awful our country is. Who wants to be riddled with such despair when one can be offered hope?

Netflix Dis: Jenkins is franztastic in anything he’s in, but you mos def should czech out his work in the little seen North Country [TWS review]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): breast film of the year thus far and thus, BREAST IN SHOW

Smart People
IQute
Trailers & Mo

 

Overly quirky Juno [TWS review] and Little Miss Sunshine [TWS review] are seen as little engines that could, and actually did. So why is everyone so blind to the fact that those two films tried really darn hard to be special, yet they weren’t really all that special? Yeah, what’s up with you people? Does FoxSearchlight send trucks to your homes filled with cash and force you to worship these movies like they were the greatestist thang since Wild Cherry Pepsi? Anywho, Smart People, another Sundance product that should have had ‘quirky’ written all over it, is a movie that doesn’t really try hard at anything and turns out to be something quite special. OK, the way that self-absorbed bearded widow (yes, another widow!) Dennis Quaid parks his car at an angle for no reason is a bit quirky and his adopted dopey brother Thomas Hayden Church’s mustache may be a tad ironic, but it’s not like they’re driving around in a giant yellow van or talking to horseface on a hamburger phone. Speaking of Juno, Quaid’s smarty jones daughter is played by none other than Ellen Page. It’s a breast of fresh air to hear her speak English and not in Diabloisms. We really didn’t tell you anything about the film, but it comes down to this: if yer a Little Miss Juno freak, you probably won’t think too much of Smart People, but if yer a playa (bill) hater like us, you’ll enjoy these peoples

 

From The Ark Chives: nothing gives us the willies more than the thought of Ben Foster banging Ellen Page

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

both flicks open in limited release today, and so does an English language version of Persepolis

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Flawless
A Safe Bet
Trailers & Mo

Director Michael Radford may not be a household name, but he probably should be. Every time he comes to bat he always connects with the ball, and does it many different ballparks ( Il Postino, 1984, The Merchant of Venice ). His latest entry, Flawless, continues that most quiet hitting streak. It pairs a sultry bidness woman, Demi Moore (welcome back!), and a crusty old janitor, Michael Caine (like a fine wine, he only gets better with age), as they attempt to rob the diamond company they both work for and feel slighted by. It has the same 60s look and feel as Mad Men, but stuff actually happens besides people smoking and drinking in their offices. If you see one heist film this spring, (please) make it the Bank Job [TWS review]. If yer thirsty for mo, while Flawless may not be as outright thrilling or flashy as Job, it has enough merit and stinkin badges to give it a go. Plus it makes up for that Joel Suckmacher flick of the same name where PS Hoffman gays up DeNiro Who’s That Girl: Moore’s character tells the film’s story in retrospect to a cutie patootie reporter. It took us the entire film to figure out who the hell she was: The Tudors Natalie Dormer, who was sporting a much mo fitting blond mane

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers!!

Chapter 27
I Saw Him Standing There
Trailers & Mo

One question has plagued our mind for ages: why would anyone ever want to kill John Lennon? There will never be any sensible answers and Chapter 27, which chronicles the days leading up to Mark David Chapman’s murder of the Walrus, didn’t seem to come up with anything finite either, juss more questions. So on to our next question (which hasn’t really plagued us for any longer than 8 minutes): how do you fill an entire movie about a deranged guy who waits outside in the cold day and night at the Dakota for John Lennon to come out and play? For the restless out there, you’ll be screaming at the screen for Chapman to hurry up and carry out his dastardly deed, but alas, you’ll juss have to wait til the very end. Everything leading up to the moment includes, standing, standing, standing, more standing, even more standing, shrugging off the cold, annoying Lindsay Lohan and Judah Friedlander (secretly one of the best supporting actors nick goings), record shopping, walking in Central Park, being crazy in hotel rooms, a little bit more standing and non-stop blather about Holden Caulfield (he’s the dude in Catcher In The Rye for those who never took one high school English class). Sounds captivating, eh? Luckily Jared Leto, who portrays Chapman, provides all the meat and the sizzle (which he musta had to intake like crazy off screen to pack on the pounds to look more like the MDC). Say what you will about Leto, but he has always given 111% of himself in any movie he’s appeared in (OK, maybe not in Urban Legend). As was the case with Truman Captoe, Chapman got two movies made about him around the same time. The other, which we haven’t seen, is called The Killing of John Lennon. It actually looks a lot better than 27, although its lead actor doesn’t appear to be able to play an asshole quite like Leto can. And lets be honest, is there any better asshole than Mark David Chapman? Well, there’s John Hinckley, but he doesn’t even deserve a movie, and if he did, please don’t bother asking Jodie Foster to participate

A Not So Kodak Moment: hours before Lennon was gunned down by Chapman, he gave him his autograph. Here it be

[The Cemetery of Rock]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Run Fat Boy Run
Close To Running On Empty
Trailers & Mo

David Schwimmer’s directorial debut (what, did you stop reading already?) is such a textbook example of a rom-com that we wouldn’t have been sirprized if it was written by Houghton Mifflin (not to be confused with Dunder Mifflin, snatchurally). It was actually co-written by Michael Ian Black, and it confirms once again that any script penned by an ex-Statesmen isn’t all that funny (save Wet Hot American Summer). The rom part of film aint very antic either, yet somehow we were completely charmed by this commonplace tale of an immature everyman trying to win back the love of his life by way of running in a marathon. The everyman in question is Simon Pegg (he’s also the other co-writer), and without him (and his BFF Dylan Moran), this flick woulda fallen flatter than Pat. This may be the least comical comedy he’s starred in, but you’ll be rooting for the ‘fat boy’ from start to finish, even if he did leave hottie supreme Thandie Newton preggers at the altar in the opening scene

We Want In Dia!: India de Beaufort may have a thankless role in the film, but who really cares when she makes us spankmore

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): against our butter judgment, we say Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hats Off
The Old Woman And The Must See
Trailer & Mo

You’ve probably never heard of actress/model/lover of life Mimi Weddell. She may look familiar, but unless you’re a woman or are extremely gay then you probably didn’t see one of her more ‘major’ roles as Stanford’s Grandmother on Sex In The City. Thankfully, for the rest of us, we’ll get our first taste of the sophisticated hat collecting lady, who started acting at age 65 when her husband passed on, in this truly uplifting doc. If she can’t inspire you to get up and do stuff with her ‘rise above it’ mantra, then no one can. Hats off to you Mrs Weddell!

Honor Whitewoman: Mimi was named one of the ’50 Most Beautiful People in New York’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

all flicks open in limited release today, cept for Fat Boy, which opens nationwide

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Love Songs
(Les Chansons d’Amour)
Hits All The Right Notes
Trailers & Mo

It’s pretty fitting that lauded French director Christophe Honoré has the word ‘honor’ in his surname, cause this homme certainly loves celebrating his country’s rich cinema past in noveau modern ways. We weren’t fully enamored with his last love letter to the New Wave, Dans Paris [TWS review], but there was definitely something there to give em another go. Love Songs is his quasi-homage to Jacques Demy’s The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, where the characters break into song, in a normal conversational manner rather than a Alan Menken Disney cheese fest kinda way. Honoré’s collaborating composer Alex Beaupain penned all the ditties and the actors sing them in a recitative style that results in one of the bestest film scores we’ve heard since Michael Nyman’s score for Michael Winterbottom’s Wonderland. We haven’t stopped listening to it since we saw the screening and it has only wroked to enhance our love for the film as the days have passed. Yeah, there’s actually a movie in between the sweet sounds that explores love, love lost, love found again and even a ménage à trois (gawd bless the French!). And sure, the film may have a few flaws, like the early exit of Ludivine Sagnier and thus, no chance of her usual cinema NSFWness, but the songs not only carry a tune, they carry the film as well

Listening Booth: hear a couple of the fab songs fo yoself… ‘Delta Charlie Delta’ [d] and ‘La Bastille’ [d]

Ma Mère: Umbrellas of Cherbourg starred Catherine Deneuve and Loves Songs co-stars her daughter Chiara Mastroianni. The hottie mum and daughter have 9 joint ventures (according to IMDB’s nifty tool) between them, and most recently they lent their voices as a mum and a daughter in Persepolis [TWS review]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show(tunes)

Boarding Gate
Bumpy In-Flight Entertainment
Trailers & Mo

Look at this snap of Asia Argento above. Have you seen anything more delicious in all your life, well besides these German meat creations? Tis a crying shame then that the stateside marketing folks decided against using it, unlike our less Puritanical European brethren, cause this film is mess, an enjoyable one at that, and you’d think they wouldn’t want to hold back on selling the film’s main attraction, Asia’s sexiness, hispecially since, like Ludivine Sagnier, she’s not so shy when it comes to movie NSFNess. Olivier Assayas’ latest lady in peril flick (we totally dug the last one, Clean [TWS review]) was shot on the quick and cheap and it certainly feels like it. It has no consistency, and the first half coulda been easily condensed into 15 minutes (probably has something to do with Michael Madsen and his overplayed since 1992 tough guy schtick). When the action shifts to Hong Kong in the second half, it fares a lot better, but it too lacks any clear focus (and having Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon thrown in for no reason doesn’t help matters). Luckily for us all Asia keeps this puppy moving, juss like her fingers near that smokin’ crotch

Photo Shoot Your Load: peep this NSFW spread with Asia and Adrien Brody

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): despite all its sloppy joeness, we still say Jeepers Worth The Peepers

both flicks open in limited release today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…