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Friday, November 19

Drakes Urine Cakes

Vera Drake
Abortions R Us
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how do u like yer abortions, one lump or two?
Director Mike Leigh is the master of the depressing British lower class movie genre. He also happens to be one of the most under appreciated directors out there. He also looks like an owl. An like an owl, he gives a hoot about things. Things like said lower class families and their struggles, which isn't eggzactly a recipe for Hollywood success, but den again that's what makes him an umcredible filmmaker, unlike say, McG. And If you need to play Mike Leigh catchup, Netflix Meantime, Naked, or my personal fav, All or Nothing. And whenever his next film comes out, you can easily add Vera Drake to that list as well. That's right, Leigh strikes cinematic gold again. This is by far one of the finest dramas of the year. Here's how the story goes: lil ole Vera (I smell Oscar nom for you Imelda Staunton!) is the perfect mum, wife, and daughter. She's always quick to the kettle to fix u a spot of tea or give u a lil nibble before dinner starts, and all with the widest smile. So you call that a story? Juss wait, cause we qwikly learn that Vera, out of the pure kindness of her heart, helps out young poor girls who can't afford proper abortions. Not any back-alley stizz like Beck's performance at Coachella mind you, but not eggzactly legal in post WWII England kind either. No one in her family knows she does such a thing and why do they need to know? Unless they're on a need to know basis. Anywhozitz, days go by, abortions happen, and more cups of tea are poured. Then one day, something goes awry and one of her 'patients' almost dies after the deed. The police come a knockn' and Vera and her close knit family's world comes crumbling down. That's all I'll say, besides get yer a$$ to the theater and see this now! Bravo Mike Leigh.

Recommended for those who like: women's right to choose, massive amounts of tea, or choosing the perfect first date movie that won't begat a second date (like what happened when my comrade Soul Jonkin took some chick on a 1st date to see Kevin Bacon get evil on lil kids' backsides in Sleepers).

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix In The Name of the Father.

Finding Neverland
Hooked On Peter Pansies
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too many pirates, not enuff booty
I was a bit skeptical of where things were going as soon as I saw Johnny Depp dancing with a dog to merely entertain Kate Winslet's four precocious lil British tykes, but as the movie marched on, the magic of JM Barrie's imagination was enuff to bring me to tears by the end. Sure there's nothing Oscar nom worthy here, and Marc Foster's direction was a bit uneven (coming from the guy who gave us Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton ODB dirty raw-style boning in Monsters Ball), and yeah it was a bit on the cheezy-whiz side, but there's enuff here to appeal to those of all ages looking for an escape from our daily lives, juss like the story of... Peter Pan! And if yer jonesing for even mo Johnny Depp and Freddie Highmore (the kid who played Peter, JM's muse) action, u juss wait, cause they play Willy Wonka and Charlie Bucket in the Tim Burton remake coming out next year.

Recommended for those who like: men who play with children in a non-sexual way, seeing Gareth Keenan in a movie, or to live out their Diane from Trainspotting dressing in green tights fantasies.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike Leigh's whimsical Topsy-Turvy. But whatever you do, don't Netflix Hook.

Good Bye Lenin!
Hello Great Rental!
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love thy mother
The premise is frocking frantastic: a highly proud socialist single mother raises her two kids in the hell that is '80s East Germany. Right before the Berlin wall is about to crumble, the mother has a heart attack and slips into a coma. The doctors warn that another attack could finish her off for good, so when she awakes from the coma, she should be as stress free as possible. Her ever loving son makes it his mission to see that this doesn't happen by pretending that the wall never fell at all. He goes to great lengths, despite being surrounded in a newly capitalistic East Germany filled with Coca-Cola and other delights we consume daily. For example, when he discovers that his mumsy's favorite pickles are no longer sold in their area, he buys a different brand and places the gerks in an old bottle of mom's preferred brand. If that's not love, I don't know what is. With crisp direction by Wolfgang Becker and super-delicious set design by some other German, this is a lil gem that's purrrfect for yer home viewing pleasure. I also wanna note that Daniel Brühl, who played the son, is my new mos favortiestest male German actor (PEACE THE FORK OUT Moritz Bleibtreu)... it also doesn't hurt that he looks like my pal Dickey Greenleaf the II and has an umlaut in his name. Best of luck kid, or should I say, mein herr.

Recommended for those who like: German Burger Kings, Kubrick references, or pickles.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Run Lola Run.

The Shaft
They say this elevator Shaft is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Sadly, No Trailer Available

the dream team, besides corky and jerry van dyke
I was introduced to our next film to the tune of "one of the best worst movies ever". And boy was that preface bona fide and boner staboneafied! I think I'm also the 14th person to ever see this movie, not including cast and crew. And lemme tell YOU some-tang, the cast is second to none, (with all due respect to Murder By Death). Here's a horribly written rundown of who and what: AWOL military man Michael Ironside (!) and elevator repair shop owner Ron Perlman (!) team up to install a top secret microchip with a brain, which had previously been tested on dolphins (?), into an elevator shaft of the Millennium Building (think Empire State Building), which in turn turns the elevator in to a one man Otis killing and torture machine. So James Hurley from Twin Peaks and some actor named Eric Thal, who coincendentally works for The Beast Perlman, are called in to fix the elevator from all this crazy Elevator Action by Edward Herrmann (Max, the head vampire/proprietor of Max' Video in The Lost Boys),
starky & f&^k
who's under a lot of heat by Lt. McBain, played by Nick Tortelli/Dan Hedaya, and all of this catches the eyes and ears of hot shot reporter Naomi Watts Hotts. Confused? Great. I won't reveal anything more, CAUSE YOU SHOULD GO AND NETFLIX THIS ASAP & WARREN SAPP! Did I mention that this film marks uber-licious/fellow Marylander/ex-ESPNer Melissa Stark Nakkidness' debut and still only appearance on the silver screen? What a waste. Had I made Mulholland Dr, it would have been Watts on top of Stark... nekkid (i promise, that's the last stark nekkid joke... of the day)

Recommended for those who like: to see Dick Maas remake his own 1983 movie called De Lift, horrible acting, or Mother Brain from Metroid.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix my personal favorite breastestist wurstestist movies Zardoz or Leonard Part 6 (not available on DVD. BOOOOOO!).

Young Adam
NC-YaLater-17
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dont even think about seeing this!
Dying to see a movie about boring people who live on a sail barge that aren't named Jabba? Or how bout seeing Ewan McGregor's penis, AGAIN? Or Tilda Swinton in her birthday suit (look, I love her as an actress, but not as a sex kitten?)? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz times microwaved tunafish divided by 7. Although I did quite enjoy watching the scene where young Obi Wan gets miffed, takes off Emily Mortimer Hottiermer's clothes, pours ketchup and custard on her body, and then has his way with her.

Recommended for those who like: boring, being bored, or emery boards.

Unsatisfied with this? Before you slit yer eyes out, watch this instead.


# Drakes Urine Cakes