Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Saturday, April 24

Lynx du Jour

- Which invention is the owner of U.S. Patent #6,313,371? FLAT-D ™ aka the Flatulence (gas) Deodorizer ™. Don't worry, it's reusable, washable, economical, and safe for skin!

- RoboCop scared this living shiite out of me when I was a youngin. This shiz scares me even mo. Both links via Zach de La Needs a Blog.

- The Christ rules the box office and now he wants to rule your heart. And who wouldn't want to date Jesus? He'd walk on water for you and then he'd turn it into wine! Link from Flea.

- I be, you be, we all be for Frisbees!


# Lynx du Jour

Did You See Friday's

Show?

Ms. Rockness herself, Lindsay Lohan sat down with Katie Couric and discussed such hot topics like herself and what kind of shoes she wants to buy. Please note how amazing her hair looks below. Also, if you scroll up and down really quickly on the 3 pictures below, it's almost like she's moving! I wish LL wasn't American so she could be a Non US Hottie.



"I'm not a girl, not yet a woman."
- Britney Spears


# Did You See Friday's

Show?

Van Hel of Thee
I Don't Sing

Two nights, two sneak previews for the TWS staff. Thursday night: Napoleon Dynamite. F-in mint. See that shiz come June peoples. Friday night: Van Helsing, more like Van Helsucks. Even more run-of-the-mill than HellBoo. How do you say "crap on a stick" in Transylvanian? Once again, this movie was like watching all of the below images rolled into one movie... but awful (with help from Ross K Doji):


Konami's finest
+

Saying "I don't know" on
You Can't Do That On Television
+

Faramir as a bumbling friar
+

The stained glass windows that came
to life in Young Sherlock Holmes
+

The whore-rific special effects
of Clash of the Titans
+

Ghost in sky sequence
+

The acting: Hamming it Up
+

Moulin Rouge's evil mustached man
+

A slimy-ass Alien pod
+

Peter Boyle as Frankenberry
+

The masked orgy
+

The obligatory scene where the hero gets
gadgets from the Q-like character
+

The worst movie ever:
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Do not see this movie.
It's a waste of eyesight and sitting.

Although her accent was afwulreffic,
I'll still let her be my wife

I wanna set sail with Kate Beckinsale


# Van Hel of Thee
I Don't Sing

Muse Sick-N-Hour Message


No comment
- Computers and screaming meet, as Devo and the Yeah Yeah Yas will play Central Park's Summer Stage, Friday July 23rd. Deet-tails fourth cummin.

- What's the wurst musical pairing ever? The Prodigy and Juliette Lewis. Her new DJ moniker is Da Other Sistah.


# Muse Sick-N-Hour Message

Friday, April 23

Bye, Bye
Centro Fly



News straight outta nowhere:

Centro Fly is closing its doors forever. Come join the funeral procession this Saturday night, April 24th where the following superstar DJs will be spinning til de breaka-breaka dawn:

Fatboy Slim
Armand Van Helden
Todd Terry
Junior Sanchez
Pornstars with Princess Superstar and Alex

Click me for a pass that will let you skip the line!


# Bye, Bye
Centro Fly

The Future Is Now

Move over Coolio, cause there's a new kid in town and his name is Koolio. So who be this Koolio? "Koolio is a traveling autonomous refrigerator robot -- Picture a cross between R2D2 and a vending machine." Thanks to Cef-Dawg for the link-love.


# The Future Is Now



#

Do You Want
Friesday With That?

These People Were Born
1564 - Paltrow banging, William "Steak &" Shakespeare
1791 - 15th dead prez, James "Pat" Buchanan
1928 - acting tater-tot, Shirley Temple "the most amazing mixed drink for kids"
1936 - one of ma's favorite crooners, Roy"ce Clayton" Orbison
1939 - the guy in The Fall Guy, Lee "Minors or" Majors
1943 - de plane, de glazed, Herve "Nick Nack" Villechaize
1949 - Three's accompanier, Joyce DeWitt "Deloitte Touche"
1954 - the white equivalent of Al Sharpton, Michael "Roger, Roger" Moore
1960 - 80's van-hair, Valerie "Mrs. Eddie Van Halen" Bertinelli
1968 - All-American jackass, Timothy "I'm a cocksucker" McVeigh


Life is tuff when
even a bottle of Moet
is taller than you

And This Shit Happened
1867 - William Lincoln patents the Zoetrope, a machine which shows animated pictures by mounting a strip of drawings in a wheel. Franc F Coppola later steals the name for his own production company and unleashes Jeepers Creepers I & II onto the world.
1933 - The Gestapo (internal security police) is established in Germany. Their first mission, rescuing cats from trees.
1954 - Hank Aaron hits his first major league home run. Let the death threats begin.
1994 - Physicists discover the top quark subatomic particle. What?

"Did I really direct Captain Eo?"


# Do You Want
Friesday With That?

Thursday, April 22

Home On The Oven Range

The Garden of Sleaze: Adam & Adam
- Nothing screams gay pride like fucking in a Central Park tree.

- I hate being lied to as a kid. I just found out today that the man who my home county (MoCo) and high school (Rocket Pride, Rocket Power!), are named after, never ever set foot there. What the f is that crap all about? They could have named it anything, like Biznitch County, Brisco County, Jr, or even the County of Monte Cristo. I also learned that the local towns were named after the families that inhabited them: Darnes(town), Pooles(ville), Clarkes(burg), and Gaithers(burg) aka Ghettosburg. Maryland is for Winners. Virginia is for Losers.

- The Thrills say goodbye to No Doubt and Blink 182 and say jello to the Lola Pa Loser line-up. Will the goodness ever end?

- Say goodbye to Indiana Jones 4... for now. Apparently George Pucas wasn't too pleased with the latest script. Who made papa dorkus the authority in screenwriting? Did he read the script for Attack of the Drones before shooting began? Anakin: I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth. Maybe he'd have better luck making Radioland Murders II: Remember WENN.


Spike and "I think of you" Knightley,
the next Romeo and Juliet?

- The blog-o-sphere just got a bit bigger. Peas welcome TWS' favorite red-headed stepchild Paint by Number Pony and the man who loathes links, but loves 3rd Bass, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet...

- Finally, on the way to pick up a sack of Wendy's fantabulos chicken strips today, me and the animated porn posse saw TV's Doggie Howser, MD. He was wearing a leather coat and hopefully on his way to meet up with Wanda.


# Home On The Oven Range

Napoleon Dynamite


Jimmy Walker would agree, Napoleon is "dyno-mite!"
What the fuck is Napoleon Dynamite? Only one of the funniest, freshest, and originalest movies I've seenest this year. A true lil gem. It's part Donnie Darko part Sixteen Candles and 1/8 American Splendor's Toby Radloff. So what's the story morning glory? It's about a harebrained, tetherballing, Idaho high schooler with a orange mop top, coincidentally named Napoleon Dynamite, and his eclectic family: his grandma owns a llama, his brother Kip has an on-line realtionship with someone named LaFawnduh, and his Uncle Rico peddles Tupperware and films himself throwing footballs. And if that's not enuff, Napoleon befriends new student Pedro, who has a passion for piñatas and mustaches. And if THAT wasn't enuff, it co-stars hotness Hilary's hotness squared sister, Haylie Duff! My description not good enuff? Click me for the trailer. Grant it, this isn't Citizen Kane, but it's mos def the best movie I've ever seen about Idaho. It's released in theaters on June 11, but only in select cities. If you live in Boston, Chi-town, or San Fran, you can catch a free sneak preview next week. Click me for the free passes.


# Napoleon Dynamite

The Tween Queens Invasion
Pedophiles Beware!

Hilary Muff and her In The Zone Tour are coming to a town near you. Apparently her career is already so gynormus that she can only play arenas like Nassau Coliseum and the Continental Arena. Whatever happened to paying your dues and playing in shitholes?


She's so huge now
that she won't even return
Frankie Muniz's phone calls


And guess who's in the midst
of recording her debut album?

Yep, Lindsay Lohan and it's gonna ROCK!!!

It's so unfair. When I was a tween, we didn't have such hot bitties in the BK Lounge like deez two!


# The Tween Queens Invasion
Pedophiles Beware!

Run/Walk This Way

How do you get men to run/walk in the name of eradicating women's cancers? You make your event hosts crazy-a$$ hotties.


Lettuce b together for Eva!


Less city, more sex


# Run/Walk This Way

Jeff Goldblum & The BJs

Don't click me if you want to see Jeff Goldblum and Tim Burton's ex gal nekkid. Link lifted from Whatevs.org.


# Jeff Goldblum & The BJs

Thor's Day

These People Were Born
1870 - OG commie, Vladimir "VI Warshawski" Lenin
1899 - author/pedophile, Vladimir "VI Warshawski" Nabokov
1904 - the subject of Jonah's college history paper, J. Robert Oppenheimer "Funds"
1923 - King of TV nepotism, Aaron Spelling "Bee"
1926 - Mrs. Garrett, Charlotte Rae "Dawn Chong"
1937 - Jack "Can I Borrow A" Nicholson
1950 - Peter Frampton "Comes Alive"
1967 - a wrapped in plastic prom queen, Sheryl Lee "Jeans"
1977 - super smiley journalist, Chillary G


Gave the world Tori and 90210.
Can't win em all.

And This Shit Happened
1509 - Henry VIII ascends to the throne of England after the death of his father. VI biznicthes later, still no male heir.
1864 - The United States Congress passes the Coinage Act of 1864, which mandates that the inscription "In God We Trust" needs to be placed on all coins minted as US currency. It replaced the popular phrase of the time, "Wees Hate Black Peoples."
1914 - Baltimore Orioles' Babe Ruth, age 19, pitches his first professional game. He eventually gets sold like a slave to the Yankees and the rest is baseball history. Too bad the same success has eluded O's traitor Mike Boosina. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG's!!!
1970 - First Earth Day celebrated. Who cares, Earth is so 5 minutes ago. Right Jessica Shaw?
1978 - The Blues Brothers make their first appearance on Saturday Night Live. They mos def made their last appearance in 1998's Blues Brothers 2000. YIKES!!


The only thumbs up this movie would ever see


# Thor's Day

Wham Bam
Thank You Ma'am!


Ghett ready to rock steady peoples, cause Don Vito, Phil, Compton-Ass Terry and the rest of the crew all return to your TiVos this Sunday, April 25 at 9:00 PM ET, on MTV for the season premiere of Viva La Bam


# Wham Bam
Thank You Ma'am!

8 Days And Counting...


Until LL's latest joint Mean Girls hits the screen!!

She ROCKS!!


# 8 Days And Counting...

Wednesday, April 21

Time To Cut Loose
Footloose


Sometimes I doubt your
commitment to Sparkle Motion
- Jonesing for a lil Jake Gyllenhaal action this summer? How does Donnie Darko: Redux (or as me ma would call it, Johnny Darko) sound to you? Dats right, the cult flick that features a talking rabbit, time travellin', Gary Jules' amazing Tears for Fears cover, and Patrick Swayze as a self-help guru, is headed back to theaters with added footage, new visual effects and music. Hopefully this retooling won't be as blasphemous as Star Wars's deletion of the Ewok song and dance. This is a TWS MUSS C Movie. Mos def one of the best of the 21st century. Story leaked to me by Pak-man.

- Looks like Senor Spielbergo is ready to rebound from his what is sure to be his wurst movie ever, The Terminal. His next opus isn't about aliens, robots, the future, or even an abandoned child, but his other favorite subject, Jewishnessishness. Since Mel "Gibby" Gibson has his sights set on Chanukah, Steve-O is tackling the murder of 11 Israelis at the 1972 Munich Olympics. Before this is released, please Netflix this Oscar-winning, superfantabulous documentary about the event, One Day in September. Another Muss C.

- What kind of an awards show would have the audacity to nominate these movies: 50 First Dates, Bringing Down the House, Bruce Almighty, and Bad Boys II? The one and only poopfest known as MTV's Movie Awards. Hopefully they'll do something as umcredbile as the LOTR spoof with Jack Black or t.A.T.u.'s panty fest.


Lord loves a workin' man.
Don't trust whitey.
See a doctor and get rid of it.
- The great Navin R. Johnson once said, "He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!" That quote should be applied to this year's Cannes Film Festival. Who's dick had to be sucked in order for the Coen Brother's The Ladykillers and Shrek 2 to become offical selections? At least there will be some fresh offerings from Pedro Almodovar and Michael Moore.

- Before The Flaming Lips and their zootaphiles kick the ballistics at Coachella, they will be appearing on Jimmy Kimmel Live next Friday night, April 30th. Check your local listings for d-tales.

- I hate work. So do you, that's why you're reading this bliz-og instead of filling out those TPS reports. And what do you do if you hate work? You play hooky and go to England's most popular amusement park Alton Towers. At least that's what they want you to do. Link via Flea.


# Time To Cut Loose
Footloose

Bless the DVD Gods


Coming July 27th, 2004

FINALLY!!!


# Bless the DVD Gods

Dancing Private Parts

Click me for something that can't even be described by words. May not be work friendly... unless you work for a Japanese animated porn factory. Thanks to Zach Attack for helping me lose my lunch.


# Dancing Private Parts

LolOllOllll!L@O@#!@L#Lol!!!


Male camel toe link
via Newbs via MetaFilter


# LolOllOllll!L@O@#!@L#Lol!!!

Cigarette Ash Wednesday

These People Were Born
1729 - Tsarina, Catherine the Great "Escape"
1914 - 2-time Oscar winner, Anthony "Mighty" Quinn
1947 - shirtless, sweaty rocker, Iggy Pop "Tart"
1951 - played a character named "Tony" 4 times, Tony "Tony" Danza
1959 - Edward Scissorhands' brother, Robert "give me The Cure" Smith
1965 - netminder, Ed Belfour "Yankeesthree"


Toni Tony Tone

And This Shit Happened
753 BC - Romulus founds Rome. Remus gets drunk and karaokes the B52s' "Roam"
1912 - The New York Baseball Giants and the New York Baseball Yankees play an exhibition game to benefit survivors of the Titanic. The stadium hits an iceberg and sinks into the Hudson.
1967 - A few days before the general election in Greece, Colonel George Papadopoulos leads a coup d'état establishing a military regime that is going to last for seven years. 16 years later, Alex Karras assumes the role of George Papadapolis and leads a ratings coup until Webster's cancellation in 1987.


And on the 8th day,
God created Webster


# Cigarette Ash Wednesday

Which Nigerian Spammer Are You?


Link via Flea


# Which Nigerian Spammer Are You?

Tuesday, April 20

Qwik Fixxxx
Hot Chixxxxx


The best sequel ever


I curse you with this bone!


Ouch!


Sheryl Crow's next show:
a United Airlines flight


Baldy kicks it Han Solo style


Franciscan friars, the new Dreamworks?


# Qwik Fixxxx
Hot Chixxxxx

Kim Bauer Goes Undercover


Kim Bauer, get under my covers


# Kim Bauer Goes Undercover

2 Mo Reasons Why
I Heart NY


They've gottsen a lot hairier
since their "MMMBop" days
As me and Kid Kadoji were strolling thru Times Square today, we decided to pop into the Virgin Megastore for some $16.99 CDs. It was quite obvs that there was some sort of in-store performance going on. As we took a closer gander, we realized that it was actually the brothers Hanson who were rocking out to a hoard of screaming prepubescent grrrls. The bros have certainly grown a lot since their Bar Mitzvah days. Older bro Isaac looks like Heath Ledger with a faux-hawk (see Travis' Fran Healy), middle-man Taylor is The Vines' Craig Nicholls' doppelganger, and (not so) lil Zac could pass as a brother Lawrence, specifically Matthew. Anywho, I really wanted to hear them play "Where's The Love", but they were playing some crap off their new album. One of songs, although I couldn't understand the lyrics, sounded like they were saying, "Liam Nesson Dead." Better them than the Barenaked Ladies.


The toys have only gotsen bigger, but not butter
The final stop on me and the Doji's magical mystery tour was the new mecca of NY toy stores: Toys R Us. They have a huge ferris wheel, some dude named Marvin doing magic tricks, and life size GI Joes climbing walls. No wonder FAO Schwarz closed its doors. How can they compete with that shit?!?!?!?!?!?!? I was there to pick up a gift for my soon to be 6 year old cousin. My mission, buy something superheroesque for the kid. I wanted to get him this Spider Man glove that shot foam or water, but his mom would kill me! I settled on a Spider Man mask and gloves. Although they don't shoot shit out of em, they do make cool web slinging noises.

Some people hate Times Square, but me surely don't. Kick out the hookers and bums and bring on the crazy Lego displays and former tween bands.


# 2 Mo Reasons Why
I Heart NY

Say No To Drugs
Turtle Style


What do high school pushers, marijuana, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all have in common? They make up one of the most ghetto awful anti-drug PSAs ever. Link via Ross K Doji.


# Say No To Drugs
Turtle Style

Surfer Rosa

For those of you disappointed Googlites who keep coming to my site searching for a "surprise" photo or image of The Apprentice's mega-bitch Omarosa (or common misspelled, "Amorosa"), your dream has finally come true:


And please, be sure to wipe off any liquids you may have left on your monitor after looking at this picture.


# Surfer Rosa

S&G
On The Road Again

Simon & G-Funk have decided that they need more money to swim in. Here are the first 7 dates announced for this summer:

6/10 - Albany, New York Pepsi Arena
6/11 - Uncasville, Connecticut Mohegan Sun Arena
6/12 - Philadelphia Wachovia Center
6/17 - Buffalo, New York HSBC Arena
6/20 - Cincinnati, Ohio U.S. Bank Arena
7/1 - Los Angeles, California Hollywood Bowl
7/3 - Sat Las Vegas, Nevada MGM Grand Arena

Be sure to visit their website for presale info and passwords. Bee leave a you me, this shit is worth the money.


# S&G
On The Road Again

Knight Rides Again!


Dirty Driving: Havana Knights
Wow. I think I got morning wood reading this headline, "Knight Rider - The Movie." But then I read that although David Hasselhoff will be in the movie, he's not going to play Michael Knight... that may go to BEN AFFSUCK! What a way to ruin a perfectly great movie idear. At least the voice of KITT, William Daniels, is still alive. While we wait for the big screen treatment, why don't you build your own KITT.

And in other Hasselhoff-related newz, there are plans for a 3-D motion picture entitled, Baywatch 3-Double-D. Life is good. Thanks to Big Daddy Myron and his killer chili for the link.


# Knight Rides Again!

Ruby Foosday's

These People Were Born

571 (probably) - prophet, OG MC, Muhammad... at least we knew The Christ was born on 0/00/00
1889 - humanitarian and lover of animals, Adolf "Coors" Hitler
1893 - Spanish painter, Joan Miro
1925 - King of Latin Music, "Tos" Tito "os" Puente
1940 - Sulu, George "Oh, my!" Takei
1959 - Ron's ugly kid brother, Clint "Michigan" Howard
1961 - mustached baseman, Don "Mustachio" Mattingly
1964 - actors/freaks, Crispin "Body" Glover & Andy "3-Ring" Serkis!!!!
1968 - the host of the kiddy game show Fun House, "DJ" J.D. Roth
1972 - deceased Howard Stern lackey, Hank "The Angry Drunken Dwarf"
1976 - Joey "Wo!" Lawrence
???? - Bart Simpson?


Smithers likey the men with the mustachizoids

And This Shit Happened

1657 - Jews of New Amsterdam (aka NYC) granted freedom of religion. The first thing they do is buy up all the radio and TV stations and then run the banks.
1862 - The first pasteurization test completed by Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard. A holiday was later named in his honor: Pasteurover.
1999 - Columbine High School jack-asses, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, kill 15 students dead. Eat a dick in hell with animal-loving pal Adde Hitler.
Every Year - In Canada and the United States, April 20th is a ceremonial day to "smoke out" (smoke marijuana). So at 4:20 PM, forget about what you were thinking of, grab some Doritos, and start laughing at crappy shows like $40 A Day.


# Ruby Foosday's

Box Office Bidness
The Monster Squad


Mos def the gayest monster ever
1. Kill Bill: Volume 2 - $25.5 million - How many geeks does it take to fill a movie theater? Divide $25.5 mil by 10.

2. The Punisher - $14 million - I think I've declared a silent-jihad against John Travolta movies.

3. Johnson Family Vacation - $6.4 million - Seriously, who's Steve Harvey's dentist? He has the whitest set of chompers on earth.

4. Hellboy - $5.7 million - Number 2 got greenlighted. It's gonna stink more than a #2. Czech out our review.

5. Home on the Range - $5.4 million - I think its time for Disney to option all those cereal mascots and make a movie. Tony the Tiger and Snap, Crackle, and Pop take on General Mills and his army of the undead, Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy.


Jabberjaw "jumped the shark"
on episode one
6. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed - $5.1 million - F-this. Bring on Jabberjaw!

7. Walking Tall - $4.6 million - That dude Neal McDonough's eyes creep me out.

8. Ella Enchanted $4.4 million - Ella is under a spell to be constantly obedient. Hey Ella, pick up my dry cleaning and then go jump in a lake.

9. The Passion of the Christ - $4.1 million - El Christo needs about 6 mil to pass Jurassic Park to become the 7th highest grossing film of all time. It's already the grossest movie of all time.

10. The Alamo - $4 million - Davy Crockett's got a wocket in his pocket.


# Box Office Bidness
The Monster Squad

Monday, April 19

I Give You Permission
To Shoot Your TV


Odd that this gem was left out of Ebert's Overlooked Film Fest.
I should have known that that earlier report of Tori Smelling's fall sitcom was a sign of bad things to come. Check out these her-end-dusly proposed crop of new shows headed for cancellation this fall:

- a 4th Law & Order and a 3rd CSI. PLEASE, STOP!!!
- a Macaulay Culkin shitcom about a brother and sister reunited after growing up in different foster homes. BORRRRRRRRRRRING!!
- Chris O'Donnell in somethang called The Amazing Westerbergs. What's amazing is that the boy wonder is still employed.
- Ricki Lake stars as a single mom who runs a bar. Sometime the bar eats you and sometimes Ricki Lake will eat the bar.
- The American version of The Office. Can't be good. I scream Blasphemhy!!
- Apparently Major Dad, Gerald McRaney, has been demoted to Commando Nanny. Maybe there'll be a movie (ala Freddy vs. Jason) where he'll square-off against Hulk Hogan's Suburban Commando.
- D.O.T.S, a comedy about meter maids. 5 bucks sez one of the character's name is Lovely Rita.
- Jeff Goldblum is a financial consultant in therapy. Golblum + anything = CHAOS (theory)
- Hub, a drama about an airport with Heather Locklear. This may turn out to be better than that new Speilbergo/Hanks shitflick (please, do yo self a favor and watch the trailer).
- Worst Irony Award: Blind Justice, about a seeing-impaired cop.
- Jason Alexander plays writer and popular ESPN commentator Tony Kornheiser in a CBS project. Probably the only new show I'll end up TiVoing.
- A UPN drama about lesbian private investigators called Nikki and Nora. Hopefully taking hot baths together will help them gather all the clues they need.
- I saved the breast for last: a remake of Mister Ed with MIA Twin Peaks uber-hottie, Sherilyn Fenn and George Jefferson. Wow, looks like originality is at all time high.


# I Give You Permission
To Shoot Your TV

Qwik-ease

- Looks like 2004's 2-day edition of Lolly-po-loser will be the best one yet! PJ Harvey and Le Tigre just joined the already dope-ass bill of Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Gomez, Modest Mouse, Morrissey, The Flaming Lips, The Polyphonic Spree, and The String Cheese Incident. How come it took em so long to get it right? What the funk were they thinking in year's past with KoRn, Metallica, and Sinbad O'Connor? In other fest news, Day One (aka Radiohead/Pixies night) of Coachella has SOLD OUT! However, tickets are still available for Sunday, which me thinks is a soilderer set of acts. If yer itching to get Saturday tickets, I'd start searching for people who were only going to see Wilco.


If I had those things
on my ears, I could
probably blog a lot faster.
- Which Star Wars character are you? They say I'm Chewbacca, but I'm more of a Lobot kind of a guy. Link via Flea.

- If you happen to be strolling around Champaign-Urbana, Illy-noise later this week, I highly recommend you check out Roger Ebert's Overlooked Film Festival. Sir fatness will be showing some of his favorite underappreciated gems like Errol Morris' doc Gates of Heaven and the movie that made me think twice about crossing a border by rat-infested tunnels, El Norte. And whilst in Cham-Urb, Ill, be sure to hit up Po Boy's Bar-B-Que (58 E. Columbia Ave, Champaign). Their hot beef is umcredible and are complimented well with a side "salad" aka potato salad and a generic soda, aptly labeled, "Cola", "Grape", or "Orange."

- Often injured RB Corey Dillion was traded to the Pats today for a draft pick. Finally, New England has a fantasy RB that won't split time... until he gets injured of course. Who cares, it's all about Portis and the Skins baby!!

- What's 19 feet wide and 19 feet deep? No, not my mustache, but this couple's new home.


# Qwik-ease

Blog 1st
Everything Else 5th

I'm so dedicated to this blizog and finding pictures of TV's Ben Seaver that I didn't even realize I had "cock-blogged" my roommate. Sorry, but duty calls. And please, no tacos in the bathroom. Thanks.


# Blog 1st
Everything Else 5th

Ford O'Mighty!

The big wigs over at Ford Motor Cars are none too pleased with an internet ad for their European hatchback called the Sportka. Why? Click me to find out.


# Ford O'Mighty!

Qwik Fitz


This wax figure would give Stephen King nightmares
- Wanna buy an entire country music wax museum? Link from Zach de la Roachclip.

- Queen of nepotism, Tori Smelling, will be strutting her comedic stuff this fall on UPN's new comedy Me, Me, Me. I've been patiently waiting for this day ever since her brilliant work as Screech's sweetheart, Violet Bickerstaff, on Saved By The Bell.

- McDonald's CEO croaks. This is what happens when you get free hash browns every dang morning. Link from Flea.

- Apprentice runner-up, Kwame "Sorry Ms" Jackson, isn't going home a loser. Firstly, he never has to look at the Donald's hair again. Secondly, he already has a job lined-up thru Dallas Maverick maverick, Mark Cuban. And lastly, KFC wants em to be the spokesman for their oven-roasted chicken line. I wonder what Omarosa's next move is. She needs a job where she can't screw anything up. Suggestions: toll-both operator, hand model, or Philly Phanatic.

- Here's Blender magazine's top 10 worstest songs of all time:
1. We Built This City - Jefferson Starship
2. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight - Wang Chung
4. Rollin' - Limpbizkit
5. Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
6. The Heart of Rock & Roll - Huey Lewis & The News
7. Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
8. Party All the Time - Eddie Murphy
9. American Life - Madonna
10. Ebony and Ivory- Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder
That may not be the worst song ever, but Jefferson Starship, Chewbacca and Bea Arthur were apart of the worst George Lucas-related thang ever, The Star Wars Holiday Special. Do they celebrate Kwanza on Tatooine?

Bea Arthur and Greedo were part-time lovers


# Qwik Fitz

All Hi-Tech And Shit

Looks like one of TWS's favorite websites with the word "Jonah" in it, What Jonah Thinks, is now a fully operational Death Star. Czech it out peoples.


# All Hi-Tech And Shit

A Case of the Mondaze

These People Were Born
1903 - gangsta banger , Eliot "Loch" Ness
1935 - Kirk Cameron's body switching pa, Dudley "Dinty" Moore
1946 - Mr. Body, Tim "In a Hurry" Curry
1965 - Death Row Records honcho, Suge "Black" Knight
1968 - hasn't been in one good movie, Ashley Judd "Nelson"
1979 - hasn't been in one good movie since Almost Famous, Kate "Moscow on the" Hudson
1981 - Darth Vader to be, Hayden "Jewishnessness" Christensen


Almost more awfulller than
young Anakin, Jake Lloyd

And This Shit Happened
1909 - Joan of Arc is declared a saint. She is later traded to the Falcons for Jay Feely.
1938 - RCA-NBC begins regular television broadcasts. Must See TV back then was just seeing TV, period.
1956 - Actress Grace Kelly marries Rainier III of Monaco. This starts a long trend of hot American actressesses marrying rich dudes from Europe. This also started bad movie trends like Julia Stiles' latest.
1971 - Charles Manson is sentenced to life in prison for the Sharon Tate murders. Thus begins a slew of parole hearings that are more bizarre than the killings. If they were ever to release a DVD of all of em, I'd buy em by the boatload.
1987 - The Simpsons make their first appearance on television, on The Tracey Ullman Show, in the short episode called "Good Night". This is the last time you'll see Dan Castanella in front of a camera.
1995 - Oklahoma City bombing: The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma is bombed, killing 168. Nothing funny, so get back to work.


Charlie made being insane the in thing


# A Case of the Mondaze

Sunday, April 18

Yeeeehaaaw!!



# Yeeeehaaaw!!

Wear Your Sunday's Best

These People Were Born
1857 - original attorney to the stars, Clarence "Bow and" Darrow
1946 - Parent Trapper, Hayley "General" Mills
1947 - actor and playa, James "Morning" Woods
1954 - kid shrinker and Dana Barrett worshipper, Rick "Uranus" Moranis
1956 - Eric "how am I related to Julia" Roberts
1963 - best talk show host EVER, Conan "The Librarian" O'Brien
1976 - former tween dream, Melissa Joan Hart "Explains It All"


We all known Clarissa is a huge star, but
whatever happened to her brother Ferguson?

And This Shit Happened
1025 - Boleslaw I Chrobry (what a kickass name, eh?) is crowned as the first in history king of Poland. His first act was the creation of an inventors club, which eventually gave us the submarine with a screen door.
1906 - A massive earthquake destroys much of San Francisco. All the gay clubs and Chinese restaurants have to be rebuilt.
1980 - Rhodesia becomes the Republic of Zimbabwe. Best names of former African colonies: The Transvaal and The Orange Free State.


To hell with Kamchatka, Yakutsk and Irkutsk,
it's all about the African colonies.


# Wear Your Sunday's Best