theys always talk about the NFL being a league of parity, and by our calculations, we’d have to agree. once again we looked at each game of the upcoming season, picked a winner and a loser (almos gave the Iggles another tie, but lettuce assume they learned their lesson from last year), and somehow each team will win at least 5 games. of course that’s not how it’s gonna play out, since there’s always one really awful waffle team (we pray tits not the Redskins), but KC and Oakland are bound to win some games, eh? anywho, w/o further Freddy Adu playing Mr Do…

AFC East

The New England Patriots (10-6) put a team together much like how our brother drafts his fantasy squad: old and crusty (or cold and rusty). They obtained Fred Taylor and Joey Galloway in the off season, and while our brother never wins in fantasyland, the Pats win in realityville (it’s 10 miles away from Pleasantville). They won games even without Mr Bunchen last year and they will do it again with him, but their division’s a lot better than it used to be. The Buffalo Bills (8-8) fired their O coordinator recently and replaced him with former Bills QB Alex Van Pelt. In his career her threw 16 TDs and 24 INTs, and that ‘talent’ will rub off on his team. TO will do his best and turn this shit into a sum mediocre .500 shinola. The New York Jets (7-9) will start off as a bunch of clowns, but once Dirty Sanchez finds his way, and finds David Clowney, this may be a three ring circus to keep an eye on in the coming years with Rex Ryan as the ringmaster… and foodtasteter. As for Miami Dolphins (6-10)? Fork em and the place they call home, Land Shark Stadium. They’ll be overdoing the wildcat so dang much this year that the makers of the Goldie Hawn-Nipsey Russell-Wesley Snipes-Woody Harrelson comedy crapsterpiece will sue them for copywrong infringement

Boo-nus link: the Wildcats rap or the Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle?? discuss

AFC North

We used to not have too much of an opinion about the Shittsburgh Steelers (13-3), but after Omar Epps and the logo on one side of the helmet crew stole the victory from the more needy (not necessarily more worthy) Cardinals we now have an opinion: theys annoying and we want thems to go away faster than the Pats and the stoopid flukey Giants who won 2 years ago (and we don’t care what you say, cause last year’s Super Bowl was better than that Tyree velcro helmet fluke one). Anywho, Omar & the gang haven’t lost anyone and thus are bound and gagged fo mo regular season glory, and how can you stop a team that has kept Charlie Batch as a back-up 27 years past his ‘use by’ date? Not so wacco Flacco of the Baltimore Ravens (10-6) will play ball control and let his D do the rest, in Derrick Mason’s final season before he applies for AARP benefits. The Cincinnati Bengals (6-10) are the Cincinnati Bengals and the Cleveland Browns (5-11) are the Cleveland Browns, and that’s all that needs to be said

Boo-nus link: Charlie Batch is juss one of many 14 ‘famous’ customers of south Jersey’s Newest Fleet of Limos, JBJ Limousine Inc.

AFC South

Blasphemy here we come: the toughest division in the NFL this season will not be the NFC Beast, but the AFC South. We didn’t quite go that far last year in outlandish blathering blatherskites, but we did pick 3 of their teams to make the playoffs. Two made it and two will this year. Somehow we think the bottom 3, the Indianapolis Colts (9-7), Jacksonville Jaguars (9-7) and Tennessee Ttitans (9-7), will all have winning records, with the Colts winning any tiebreaker cause they have Peyton Manning and they others have QBs who couldn’t throw your mom. Believe us, yer mom is totally throwable! That leaves the (fargin) Houston Texans (10-6) as the kings of the castle. Don’t know what it is about them, but it’s the only thing to hail from Texas besides any woman with gynormus bazongas and Texas toast that doesn’t suck. Heck, tits the only expansion team since our birth in 1977 with a name, logo and jersey that doesn’t make us want to vomit (the Panthers are a good thing to think about if yer having problems yakety-yakking)

Boo-nus link: here are some more thangs that will help induce up-chuck

AFC West

Jim Morrison once said that the west is the best. He also said he wanted to pork his mother and unless his mother is Monica Bellucci then he doesn’t know Bo or didley or shiz. So by default, the Norv Turner lead (not led, cause he’s like a giant piece of lead, weighing them down from being super great) San Diego Chargers (9-7) will beat out the on the mend Denver Broncos (8-8), rebuilding Kansas City Chiefs (6-10) and whatever the Oakland Raiders (5-11) are

Boo-nus link: The Al Davis face attack

Seeds:
#1 Shittsburgh
#2 New England
#3 Houston
#4 San Diego
#5 Baltimore
#6 Indianapolis

AFC Champs: the Riggity Ravens over the Pats, sacking Brady in the end zone on the final play to win 2-0

Fantasy Outlook AFC Shazz

Wees Loves: A-Gonz, Chad 85, Torry Holt, Sproles, Ray Rice and Flacco (although he averages about 174 yds passin per game)

Wees Hates: Broncos RBs, Chargers WRs, Ben Rothelspenis, the Cleveland Browns (cept dude below) and Addai another day

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Dirty Sanchez, James Davis, Chase Coffman, Steven Hauschka, Houston D and Sunny D

wait, you thoughts we were going to include those hott pics of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni? not this year

stay pooned for our NFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

we all knew that Mama Cass Elliot had an appetite the size youranus, but an unyielding love for the crappy Hardee’s? listen hear for poof [d]. she was probably paid to sing their praises, throbviously, but curious if her contact was set up to pay her in hamburgers and fries that went straight to her thighs. no word on whether the fictional ham sandwich that she choked on came from their breakfast menu. sorry if we offended anyone with this pointless post. we love Mama, and don’t want to be considered a Cass-hole by any stretch armstrong of the imaginasian. and although Hardee’s food blows more goats than your dad and Balki Bartokomous combined, we do have to give it some minor props de leon for offering up newborn (better than ezra) Pound Puppies for sale at reasonable prices in the 80s. and bi the gay, The Pound Pups are back for a whole new generation of kids whose parents can’t afford a real dog!!!

Forks Out 2

Beatrice

‘Bea’s Nuts‘

Arthur

1922 – 2009
Greedo & Bea, thanks for being friends

&

Golden Girls Gone Wild

+
dude who wrote Crash, yes, that Crash
he battled bulges
former Broncos mascot
Joel McCrea’s son who was the original Deadhead
car artist
someone not blood-related to Katie Holmes or Tom Cruise

ok, enuff of the sad stuff
and on with the hot stuffffffzzz!!!

member re: Tabitha Gilley

didn’t think so

what about now?
maybe this NSFWness will help to jog your penis memory

Thighs Wide Shut turns 5 today, but can we make it 10? that all depends on if we still love doing this in 5 years time (or if Thigh Master children get in the way), and whether you dear Thighlanders still want to read our movie reviews and HJ yerself to sleep to all the lovely boobies we plaster up in here. we thank you from the bottom of our farts for your continued ship of reader, so w/o further Freddy Adu, lettuce set sail on some memories and mammaries of the past year in Thighdumb…

(juss remember, some of the images below are clickable!)

it has nothing to do with anything

Laser Portraits

Giant VHS Tape as 2001 Space Odyssey’s Monolith

aisselles dans les films, blog qui répertorie les films dans lesquels les actrices ont les aisselles poilues, which translates to armpits in films, blog which indexes films in which the actresses have the hairy armpits [NSFW]

41 Hilarious Science Fair Experiments

the life of a hand supermodel

Brenda Warner’s Flat Fap Top To The ^XLIIIDegree

C’mon, Get Horny!

Elrond Hubbard

Best Roller Coaster Souvenir Photos Ever

The Otl Aicher Pool

He Can’t Hate These Cans

Harry Potter Poster Mash-Up Gallery/Star Wars Poster Mash-Up Gallery

Brian Peppers’ mom

The Birds, w/o the birds

Lions And Tigers And A$$ Tears, Oh My!

Boyd Aviation

ye olde ghetto covers of Arthur C Clarke’s books

by a show of hands

Sexy People

giant women for Andre

SFW XXX

The 30 Worst Autobiography Pun Titles

Thighs Wide Music 2008

Eye Lash

Dennis Green’s â„¢ed caps

sweet cleavages, beer and women making out

Playing The Field‘s playful pictorial euphemisms of Chris Cooley’s junk

Celebrity X-Ray Photo/Breast Enhancements [NSFauxW]

Daycream Relievers

CakeFarts.com [NSFW]

Lik•m•Aid

snaps of jungle vaginas, golden penises, Andy Warhol and much mo from the 54 glory days

Specs-Taters

Judge Reinhold JO material [NSFW]

Swami On Rye

Hello Browness, My Old Friend

Totally Looks Like…

stickers from the 80s

a 1980’s raptastic Wendy’s training video

Ben Kingsley’s a minor threat

Even Beetis Than The Real Thing

Jedi Chefs

photos of an angry Steve Gutenberg

Richard Beymer/Ben Horne’s on-set Twin Peaks photos

MS Paint cover art covers

Стереофотографии из прошлого

More Than Meets The AFI

Han solo loves to grab Princess Leia’s boobs

oops, he crapped his pants

the posters of Drew Struzan

the (ALMOST NSFW) GIF doesnt lie

Young Me – Now Me

The Texas School Book Suppository

extending album art

Casey At Bat, The Classic Poem Unabridged As Told In Words & Baseball Cards

Most Star Wars Actors in a Non-Star Wars Film (including the Jones pics)

NES controller coffee table

the greatestestist love song of balls thyme: ‘Smell Yo Dick’

5 Cats that Look Like Wilford Brimley

Democratic dance off

Playboy centerfolds galore from the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s [NSFW]

Worst Job In The World

youreyeswideshut.com

Californication Creamin’ On Such A Winter’s Day

‘That One Night’ by The Hunted

Compliance!

interactive Al Jaffee’s fold-ins for Mad magazine

that theme song from the Raising Arizona soundtrack
actually has a name: ‘Way Out There‘ [d]

Perfect Strangers/Head Of The Class promo rap

SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeAHorse.com

behind the scenes of that amazingly ghetro ye olde HBO Jeffersonian starship thingamabob

Evil Alomar

Crooked Rain, Crook & Rainn

previously…

Queer As Fourth

Three’s A Crowd… PLEASER!

In Case You Didn’t Feel Like Showing Up

Bring On The Terrible Twos!

Notorious
Revisiting The B.I.G.sty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

To some (including thighselves), hearing the title Notorious will always conjure up images of Cary Grant outwitting Nazis in South America while winning the love of Ingrid Bergman, and for everyone else w/o an appreciation for one the Master of Suspense’s bestest films from his early Hollywood period (or who aint a fan of Duran Duran), it will apply to the film about the short but very productive life of one Christopher Wallace, aka Biggie Smalls, aka Big Poppa, aka The Notorious B.I.G. That life included ushering in NY’s hip-hop’s renaissance in the early 90s, battling wits and much more with West Coaster Tupac, and winning the love of millions and many women along the way. As a true life story, no one can touch the mystery and intrigue of Biggie’s, but as a movie, Cary Grant and co. will retain the rights as the mos notorious Notorious movie for all eternity (although both of them have nothing on Gretchen Mol’s thighopening performance in The Notorious Bettie Page). Not to say that hip-hop’s first biopic isn’t a crowd pleasing, hand swaying and head boppin’ night at the movies, cause it certainly is, but had this by the numbers recount (purty much devoid of the mystery and intrigue) been helmed by someone with a lil more sensitivity and a dash mo flash and class than what George Tillman Jr. handed in, then this trip down Biggie’s Bed-Sty memory lane coulda ended up a lil more memorable, something along the lines of Ray

Notorious goes down easy like drinking Gatorade, thanks in large part to the creditable acting performances by a bunch of nobodies, outside of Derek Luke, who puts a bit of humility into Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs, a man who couldn’t find humility even if he was looking at a dictionary that only contained the word ‘humility’. Jamal Woolard (aka Gravy)’s struttin and rhyme flippin in his embodiment of B.I.G.’s big body is dead-on (poor choice of a pun, but then again all of our puns are usually a poor choice), and you don’t even think for a second that he’s acting. It’s comes off as being completely natural, as is the work of Biggie’s actual son Christopher Jordan Wallace (who plays the young version of his poppa), Naturi Naughton (getting dirty and being dirty as Lil Kim) and Antonique Smith (keeping the Faith Evans). The ensemble effectively show us this Notorious figure’s life and times, but the film as a whole doesn’t necessarily breathe any new life after his death

Walk A Mile In His B.I.G. Shoes: TONY mag has created a DIY walking tour of Biggie’s old haunts in Bed-Sty

Naughty Naughton: yum, you is

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Defiance
Don’t Bother With These Brothers In Arms Way
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Here we go again with Edward Zwick‘s big camera and big lessons following the unyielding will of the underdog round the globe, past or present. It worked like a gangbusters gangbang with his Glory and Legends of the Fall, but every similar flick he’s made since then is heavier on the guts than the glory. The Last Samurai and Blood Diamond were both big and bold, but boorish and cold juss the same. Defiance falls in line with those last two, which makes this historical drama that partially covers the time line of the brothers Bielski (Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber, and Billy Elliot) and their forest dwelling group of WWII Jewish freedom fighters (which led our friend to quip that this movie shoulda been called The Swiss Family Epstein) a crying defying shame. Zwick can’t decide if he wants his film to be as sobering as Schindler’s List or a Nazi shoot-em up fun fest like The Dirty Dozen. We couldn’t decide on whether to commend the actors for speaking in a poor quasi-Russian accent or to laff at em for trying the entire time. The only thing you need need to decide is to wait for the DVD, or don’t even bother and juss rewatch Munich, a much better Jews killing Jew-haters flick

Young Guns IIII: twas nice to see In Treatment‘s Mia Wasikowska on the big screen before she gets even bigger by playing Alice in Tim Butron’s Alice in Wonderland in 2010, but we wanna give a widethighs shout out to the fourth Bielski bro, played with bright eyes and an endless blank stare by lil George MacKay. This kid looks eggzactly like a young Roman Polanski, and w
e urge anyone who may be cinematically telling Polanksi’s life story, to let him be the not so noble Roman. And while we’re at it, let NSFWer Diora Baird play his slain wife Sharon Tate, Michelle Williams play Mia Farrow, Christian Slater play Jack and Bob Odenkirk play Charles Manson

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Notorious and Defiance are currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…