Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Saturday, April 16

Beck To The Future

His Beckness
Hiro Ballroom
Friday, April 15, 2005

yer so umazin, i'll overlook the fact that yer a scientologist

Beck, can you ever forgive me for forgivingup on you? Sure, you bored the fork outta me at Coachella '04, and sorta at the two shows I saw you play with the Flaming Lips in Rocktober of '02, but YOU ARE BACK BABY, comin' alive Frampton stizzle stossel style, juss the way I like you, circa the Midnite Vultures tour of '02. Don't get me wrong, I loves me the slow acoustic stuff (Mutations is by far his beck work), but Sea Change to me = Kate Boooosworth. No matter, cause you proved to me and to the faithful that you truly rock, rule, and own the school! It also didn't hurt that I was 4 rows of people away from you and yer adorable rosy cheeks. Anywhoz, see you next time you come 'round. XOXOXO to you and yours, and their dresser drawers. For more on the show, visit Ms Mod (where the setlist pic can from), Oh So Quiet, and Brooklyn Veaggie, who was nice enuff to include some of the Craigslist hottnesss from the past few days.


# Beck To The Future

Friday, April 15

I Heartes
Dem Golden Starches

if u dont eat McDonalds, u should be deported!
Giving me diarrhea and fun Fun Meals since 1977!

• 3 MORE YEARS!!!

• Happy TAX DAY!! And to celebrate such a shitbag of a day, watch this whoreibble Steve Hartman piece.

• WTF?

• I guess it was never meant to be for me & and that bitch Mischa.

• Sporking of, What's the origin of the "F" word? And learn fun euphemisms like 'bounce the brillo' & 'go like a rat up a rhododendron'! And willis were at it, How did "XOXO" come to mean hugs and kisses?

• Kate BOOOSworth has teamed up with SleepSmart to make a futuristic alarm clock.

• Best Bond idear me has heard in awhile: make Sir Roger Moore a 'baddie'! But only if his name can be Syngin Smythe The II (the only SS related link I could find on the internets... PATHETIC!!).

• Privatizing Amtrak is much butter idea than privatizing Social Security. What's next, privatizing our privates?

• When did Al Pacino change his name to Amitabh Bachchan?

• Is there any kind of action figures McFarlane doesn't make? FLIPPIN' SWEET! [via Pakula Shaker]

• Let them eat boobs! [SFW]

• Trivial Pursuit on the decline? Who gives a rat's gas when anybody whose anyone who bones anything already knows that there was no more genius left to be had after Genus Editions I & II hit the market. The rest a jus BUNK in the trunk! [via Mustard King of Cleveland]

• Spamarama [via Brawny Man]

• The Flaming Dr Pepper Shot From Hell Animated Gif!

• But seriously, when was the last time you took a good listen to the Tic Tac Dough theme song? [via Wink Martindale Fan Club Prez, Seltzer w/an H]

• And if you'll eggscuse me, I have to powder my nose (aka Gold Bond my balls) cause I'm off to see the 'secret' BECK show, with a side of pork dumplings!!! BLESS YOU MEGBOT for choosing me (although I am the Thigh Mizzle for cryin out sprouts)!! And bless the fine people who designed this kerrrazy arsed hotel, where the event is takin place!! Lettuce hope that I won't have to take a poo poo splatter after munchin on the Pu-Pu Platter!

tee hee hee, i said 'poo-poo'


# I Heartes
Dem Golden Starches

MadamI'mAdam

• What to do this tweakend? Well, if you're me, you beg and bribe one of yer breastest friends, with Popeyes Fried Chicken thighs and back rubs, into taking you to the secret Beck show. I'm lookin in yer direction MEGBOT! Or should I brown nose a lil and say 'MegHOT'? C'mon, I got us into that secret Annie show last night at the Try-Becca Grand!! That was almost as rock out with cock outable as when we saw t.A.T.u. perform on Carson Daly!! But for the rest of you squares, esp you NYCers, please do not waste yer time seeing...

Palindromes
ThismovieblowsgoatstaogswolbeivomsihT
Trailer

michael palindromes?
While Alexander Payne makes movies where you can identify with the characters and situations, Todd Solondz is on the other end of that spectrum. Solondz'es movies are filled with painful people, doing painful things, in the most painful situations that we all pray will never ever happen in our lifetimes. What is you forking deal bro? Did mumsy and daddy beat you with a sock filled with walnuts? Did your wicked uncle Ernie fiddle about with you? Out of his three previous flicks, Welcome To The Dollhouse, Happiness, and Storytelling, only that last one was remotely watchable, meaning I didn't have to take 16 showers afterwards just to feel clean again. I was hoping that trend would continue here, but sadly (more like gladly) that was not the case. Solondz goes right back to ugliness that no one really needs to intake. Here's the dreadful story this go around: an awkward young teenage girl named Aviva gets pregnant, parents force her to abort, then she runs away to discover... gawd knows what: pedophiles, religious crusaders, abortion doctor killahs, and a Partridge Familyesque collection of handicaps and mentally retarded kids. If that's not enuff to make you slit yer eyes out w/out even seeing it, how bout the fact that the actress who plays Aviva, changes 7 or more times! First she's a lil chubby black girl, then a dumpy white girl, then a skinny white girl with red hair, then some other white girl, then a huge-ass black girl, etc. and finally Jennifer Jason Leigh?!?!??? WTF? Egggzactly. Stay home and cut off your ears instead. That would be more enjoyable and you'd still have 10 bones in yer pocket.

Recommended for those who like: torturing themselves, the sound of fingernails on a chalk board, and Lyndie England's hot bod.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any other movie in eggsistance as I guarantee it'll be better. [repost from Rocktober]

Anywho...

• Word has it that TWO FF bands will be performing at this year's fantabulos & free River 2 River concert series: The Fab Faux (Beatles tribute band) and nun other den, los Fiery Furnaces. [via Manic Messiah]

• Take a peep at the next Gus van Sant movie I won't be sitting thru: Last Days. Michael Pitt the 'actor' as a quasi-Kurt Cobain? Break out the razors u juss used for Palindromes, cause our eyes will need slitting. How could this be Lukas Haaaasable? [via K-Pecker]

• Wanna more comprehesive review of the MSG Duran Squared show with 98% less OMGs and more words? Click here.


3 fat guys, a phone, and a pizza place

• To hell with Ron Burgandy, and to hello with Ron Mexico, aka Michael Vick and his herpes lawsuit alter ego! [via Badger Dadger]

• Ms Mod previews the new Stripes' disc.

• The OC is filled with more irony than Michael Ironside reading Kornheiser's Pumping Irony. Case example: playing Daft Punk's 'Technologic' at Trey's 21st B-day ecstacy bash, followed by LCrapD Soundsystem's 'Daft Punk Is Playing At My House'.

• Be the only person on earth to own a UW-Whitewater Warhawks sweater. Whilst there, u can also find one of the answers to this week's umpossible crossword... which no one has yet to hand it. Tsk tsk, all over yer floppy disks.

• What was the #1 song on YOUR b-day? Sorry Debby Boone, but you don't 'Light Up My Life'. [via 1,2,3, Look @ Mr Lee. 3,4,5, look @ him jive!]

• I promise, THIS is the last Terri Schiavo-related thing I ever post! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• April Golden Showers Bring My F$%king Urine All Over Your Effing Ooh-Jah!

• Ever wonder what me and the Mrs. do in our free time at Corn Palace? Besides being forced to watch hours upon zours of Cuthy's highlight reels, 24 high-beam stizz included, we sometimes juss kick it and play Grambs' fav, Donkey Kongas! [link help via Juwanamaker/Brawny Man]

when not playing mind games, we play video games!


# MadamI'mAdam

Thursday, April 14

The Next Spokeswoman
For Cinnabon

Now Jedis everywhere have something to hold onto whilst banging Her Former Royal Thighness of Naboo...

this is hot, the movie will not
[via Egotastic]


# The Next Spokeswoman
For Cinnabon

This Is Planet ROXXX!!

Duran Squared
Madison Square Garden
Wednesday, April 13, 2005

it's like the 80s never ended

OMG! HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF! OMG! WILD BOYS! OMG! COME UNDONE! OMG! NOTORIOUS! OMG! ORDINARY WORLD! OMG! THE REFLEX! OMG! I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE! OMG! GIRLS ON FILM! OMG! RIO! OMG! A VIEW TO A MOTHER SPORKIN' KILL!!! OMlordie'o'G!!!! [Full Setlist Here] To hell with The Stones, Pixies, and all other old hags, cause this is the reunion tour to end all reunion bores!!! I don't think I've rocked out this hard since the Fillmore administration!! Me hands still hurt from clappin' so dang much. All RHODES lead to UMAZINGNESS!!! Can ya bee leave I've been waitin' 27 years for this day? Nows I can finally rest in peace (the fork out) cause I heard one of the greatistest Bond themes LIVE!!

cool doesnt get much cooler than this... eat yer ass out william h macy!!
Word is Bon, Simon Le Bon!!


# This Is Planet ROXXX!!

Wednesday, April 13

Is It Football Season Yet?
Part MIXLIX

No, but the schedule for next year has been announced! And although I love watching fooball anytime, anyplace, underwear, I think I may have to kill myself with a lethal tunafish juice injection after watching the Patriots EIGHT TIMES on National TV! But who fargin cares about them, since the team of destiny, aka The BESTskins, are going 16-0*!!! Hey Joe G, how would you rank your squadron of such awesomnessness?

In Gibbs We Trust, Lust, and MUST

Sunday, Sept. 11: Chicago Bears, 1 p.m. ET
Monday, Sept. 19: @ Dallas Cowboys, 9 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 2: Seattle Seahawks, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 9: @ Denver Broncos, 4:15 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 16: @ Kansas City Chiefs, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 23: San Francisco 49ers, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 30: @ New York Giants, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday. Nov. 6: Philadelphia Eagles, 8:30 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 13: @ Tampa Bay Bucs, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 20: Oakland Raiders, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 27: San Diego Chargers, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 4: @ St. Louis Rams, 4:05 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 11: @ Arizona Cardinals, 4:05 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 18: Dallas Cowboys, 1 p.m. ET
Saturday, Dec. 24: New York Giants, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Jan. 1: @ Philadelphia Eagles, 4:15 p.m. ET

Pee es - El Hofbergo, pencil me in for the Seahawks game since it falls near the Rosh...

* more like 9-7


# Is It Football Season Yet?
Part MIXLIX

The Now Is Then

Iran, I RULE

• I'm calling it now: Ye Olde Airline Bags will be the next hottiest retro thing-a-ma-jig in fashion Mt Everest. It used to all be so hip sportin' ugly 70/80s MLB wear while drinkin' Fake Dr Pepper, but within a year, if you aren't walkin round with a Natty Lite Tall Boy in hand & an airline bag in utero, you might as well jump out of a window. What you got Isaac Mizrahi? EAT YER FARTS OUT bizatch! [via Mettys]

• The wurst (or is it the bestest?) sports broadcast known to man... be patient with this one and make sure u get to the Pacers part. 'And boom goes the dynamite!' [via Cubs Fan #1]

• So if Mel's next joint is about the Pope, does that mean his follow-up to that one will be on Gawd himself? Or how bout Raab Himself? [via The Fiddler]

• Chad Lowe finally has something to do! [via K-Pex]

• Remember Mischa's deer-in-headlights microwaved sister? Well looks like she wants to be a rock star or sumtang. And take one guess who she listens too? Yep, Dylan.

• Somebody please fire Steve Martin's agent.

• Is Logan Marshall-Green the new Brian Austin Green?

• Do you want sum Sonic Youth with your sesame chicken? Wow.

bloody steaks not pictured
• Bless the gov-mint of Idaho for treating Napoleon Dynamite like it was Citizen Kane. Peep this bill loaded with all sorts of kudos for the filmmakers and their positive messages about Idaho, like 'Napoleon's tetherball dexterity emphasizes the importance of physical education in Idaho public schools' AND 'tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's most famous export' AND 'Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics' AND many more! [via PSNYC]

• Who comes up with the Fiery Furnaces' set lists, Jimmy 'Two Times'? Streaking of, there's plenty of sites dedicated to Mayor McCheese, but none to Jimmy 'Two Times'. Intern Thigh Slave, get to work: JimmyTwoTimes.gov, cause someone already nicked JimmyTwoTimes.com.

• The real Amityville Horror house. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. [1st via ONTD]

• $20 for all you can eat 2nd Ave Deli pastrami! I may have to call in sick that day. Then after eating dem mounds of luscious 'strami, I'll really need to call in sick the next day. [via Nippy Nipperson Newbowerson who never updates his blog]

• Google Maps Mad-ness! And despite what this map showz, my world's mos flav chili parlor is not located on a baseball field, but just across the street!

• Unintentionally sexual comic book covers: part 1 [via CityRag/Boing Boing]

• Looking for the perfect Passover gift? Czech out the LED scrolling belt buckle! [via Mini Soda Vikings Times 2]

• WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO? [via Manilla Gorilla]

• Better question: Why did Darva do it?

• Or can someone pease explain: Why Rick Rockwell is bitched @ swirth with Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man?

so inapporopriate


# The Now Is Then

Tuesday, April 12

Thighs Wide Enterprises, LLC
Presents...

In association with

kinda like the best root beer ever, Ramblin'

The newly renamed sorta-weekly game

baby blocks is the font of the GAWDS



You know the drill,
1st to fill it out correctly
and emails me
winz a
piece of crap
the new Duran Duran album
AND other junk!

Oh, and how could I be a blogger if I didn't mention that Britney is preggers. That child will have more zzZzzzz power than Kate Snoozeworth. Somebody please stab me with a knife and gag me with a spoon, until I peace the fork out.


# Thighs Wide Enterprises, LLC
Presents...

Question The Answers

How'd you do on our 1st Crossword Up?

even typing jude law's name makes me want to get all gay up on his shit

Many of you were awful-LEE close, but it's a 'drummer' who likes to be spotted, not 'nipples'. Anywho, congrats to El Hofbergo for getting every single one correct. He wins a Johnny Cash DVD and some Inside Deep Throat shwag! The next one will be posted soon, with even more fun prizes! In the meantime, there are no losers, just people who don't win. And to you, this pic of Cuthy from this month's Premiere mag is from me to you! You, you, you!

i guess every girl has a madonna phase


# Question The Answers

Domino-ing Is
1/2 The Battle
+ More Fun
With Fractions!

all apologies to fans of IG-88
• I juss watched the Domino trailer again, this time on the preferred QT format, and I have a request out there to any superstar DJ who reads this site. Can you pease make me a 76 minute mix filled wit nuttin but phat beats and Keira Knightley saying 'My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter.' over and over? I can pay you in tacos. And feel free to throw a Howard Dean 'I Have A Scream' or 6 in if you like.

• ZZzzzzZzzzz. And even more ZZzzzzZzzzz as Lois LAME!

• Peace the fork out to woman whom you'd only recognize by face, not by name.

• 622 music vids, all at yer disposal (too bad Iron Maiden, Sonic Youth, & LL Cool J makes up like 53/61 of that list). Twas a pleasure to see the B-Boy's 'Netty's Girl' again after all these years. Them Bastard Boys, for some reason, omitted it from their DVD. Cryin' effin shame! Also, if you've never seen the NSFW Prodigy vid for 'Smack My Bitch Up', then u've never seen a real music video... no wonder MTV banned it. [via MetaFilter]

• Don't lie to me, but I bet you didn't buy Moby's Hotel. Well, how bout givin' some listenage to the bestest song off the album, and my mos flavorite single of the year: 'Raining Again'. [via My Old KY Jelly Home]

• Stripes name new album Get Behind Me Satan. I can juss see the lawsuits a'comin!

• Snoop Dizzle Dawg to work with The Archdukes? Maybe he wants to channel Bob Dylan on his next LP too!

• Ultimate Warrior, the ultimate arseface? And is 'queering' considered an gerund? [via the D to the mutherstickin V]

• You can juss tell by lookin at this pic from the Dukes of Hazzard flick dat tits gonna be a shitstain and 3/7ths. General lee e speaking, who wants to get me this, or this or this non Brothers Duke item?

• Gr8 cover to an almost gr8 movie. Although I may have to viddy it again before making such closing arguments.

u make me all greasy betwixt me thighs
• Olivia Newton WOW, you're still FLY honey!

• The latest 40 images posted to Live Journal. Hit refresh over and over and before you know it, the work day will be over. [via Ultraness]

• Boo has a new name and it's...

• Bandwagon Boy, one of my bigger influences in life.

• John Kerry is pretty in pink.

• Does anyone have a better smile than Richard Kind?

• Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search. How'd they know I totally wanna give Agatha Christie a Kansas City Car Wash all over her Orient Express. If that doesn't work out, I may opt for an Imaginary Girlfriend.

• "It was the worstest thing..." Did I say that or was it some kid who got his face bit by a dog?

• Andy Rooney takes the stand in a fraud case and can't help being... Andy Rooney.

• Airline Providing Mile-High Service [via Cy-Nappy-head]

• Dig Doug criz-azzy-ness

• 10 things that are Smurferiffic!

• Dack Ralter

• Mandyilla Parker Bowles who?

you mean to tell me that paris hilton can act? HA hAH ha ha haahhha ahahhaha!!!

• I heart u so dang much sweet-tea that I'll even lift my jihad on cartoons only cause you're gonna make one hot pussy [SFW].


# Domino-ing Is
1/2 The Battle
+ More Fun
With Fractions!

Monday, April 11

High & Lois

it's a terd, it's a plain jane, NO, it's kate BOOOOsworth
• Gotta love the geniusessez behind Superman Returns. First off, they dissed Tom Welling (the world's greatest living actor) and cast Brandon Rououththuouth to play the Man of Steel. Secondlee, they hired Kevin Spacey to play Lex Luthor. That's about a great a call as sitting thru 6 consecutive watchings of his Beyond The Sea while having spiders poop tunafish juice into your mouth. And third and finalee, they went with Kate BOOsworth, instead of Cuthbest, to be their Lois LAME. I guess the one good thing to come out of this is to reveal to all how FOOOgly Kate truly is. Look at this pic. She makes Margot Kidder look like Nicole Kidman humping Kid Icarus (bee leave me, that's HOT, like Pat O'Brien HOT). Anywho, if yer eggcited for the new flick, unlike yours surly, peep out these two booty-arsed vids from the Superman Returns set. [pic via Double Vikes]

• Speaking of... wanna see me AND Cuthsplurt in the flesh @ the same place @ the same time? Get yer tickets abs to the SPECIAL SCREENING of House of Wax, aka HOUSE OF A$$, at the Try-Beck Film Fest ASAP!

• What the fork is going on with CP's SummerStage this year? They haven't updated their site, yet they have already mcnabbed Kelly Clarkson, The Killers, Death Cab for Cutie, and many mo. [via B-lynn V-gn & Let The Good Times Tootsie Roll]

• Happy 21st HFutureRT The III(?) [NSFW]

• What could possib-drew-bly be wurser than any scene in Episode III? The deleted ones.

• First the Archdukes, and now the Kaiser Chiefs' blab about their next album bein' Dylanesque? I wonder if they'll both thank Jesus, or would that be too unoriginal?

• Cookie Monster advocates healthy eating? That doesn't sound like the blue maniac we all know and adore. I bet this wasn't his idea, but the dude who has his hand shoved up his a$$! [via Barrister Bill]

• Rooney gets all papal with the papers, the papers!

• Boo

• Cold Duff

i'd give her a professor plumb up her bum
• Lesley Ann Warren, 112 years old and I still heart you! Is there a way I can pay you to laught that laff of yours into my ear for days on end?

• DCers, BOSers, NYCers, and CHIers: see The Usual Suspects, as always, fo free.

• What will u look like in 40 years?

• Playing with nipples is fun! [NSFW via Brawny Man]

• Never truss a man with a mustache. But always feel free to enjoy one rockin out in the woods with Native American dancers. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Watch Napoleon D dance in 1s & 0s (or is it Xs & #s?)! [best viewed in IE via Baby Bullster]

• Draw a pig and learn about yoself. [via G-Mask]

• And I muss say, I juss completed one dem weekends that was as letter purrfect as a purloined letter. Not only was Curious George's mum in town to turn my frown upside down, but so was the illustrious and lustrious Trent. Our meeting was ALMOST as monumental as when the Beatles & Elvis hooked up in '65. The dude effin rox, like I even needed to mention it. There was so much happening and leg humpining that I'm sirprized my eyes and legs are still intact. Me repeated last Sunday on Saturday (Basquiat/Junior's food coma, a muss deadly duo), also hit up the Arbuszz & the importance of being Max Ernst-awesomeness at the Metski, was bedazzled by my gal Ostrow's and many others' works at Hunter College's MFA open studios, foam-a-ed at the mouth whilst walkin thru the MoMA, and gave some love to Larry Clark @ the IPC, which reminded me how forking hotingy Chloe Smellingny use to be. Think it ends there? Nope. Shaved the fu-manchu and gots my moose hoose on with the Fiery Furnaces for the second time in 3 nights. The Webster Hall show kicked the ba-liztex outta Thighsday's show at N6. If I could marry a band, I would marry them.

before i die, i have to visit where they filmed this

Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well, the real treat to all the tricks I turned, was frynally seeing one of my alls times flavorite movies on the big screen: A Clockwork Orange, as a part of Landmark Sunshine's midnight series. Wowski! I appreciated this viewing so much more than the 328478 other times I viddyed it welled. Now I want to see every beloveded movie from my past in theaters (yes, even Leonard Part 6). You should have seen how huge the smile on my face was (cept the rape and the eye clamp shiz). It was juss so stankin cool to be in a large room with a bunch of other random people, laughing and govoreeting at Mr. Deltoid bangkoking dear Alex and saying 'm'yes' over and over. Did I mention how much I loves me them crizz-azy arsed lightbulbs that everyone has in their Clockwork homes? And did anyone know that the nekkid lady furniture from the Korova Milkbar was inspired by artist Allen Jones' work? I'd buy that for dollar! Or this car.

finally, someone put women to good use


# High & Lois