Thighs Wide Shut

Hot Tub Time Machine
It Lame From The 80s
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We might be the last person on earth to see Hot Tub Time Machine, but also might be the first to call bullshit on it.  Why?  Two things: it’s about as 80s as Justin Bieber and about as hilarious as From Justin To Kelly (although that hovercraft scene was amazing!!!).  Wrong you say.  Hilarious you spray.  Poop, pee and jizz jokes?  Forgot how sharp they can be!  Waiting for a guy (Crispin Glover, wasted yet again) to lose his arm in clumsy situations that not even Harold Lloyd would bother with?  Zing!   Hey, look, it’s Chevy Chase not making sense!  Guess no one watches Community, where he does that every week, and munch better, and so are the show’s 80s references.  Well, what about Rob Corddry?  Oh no, he’s not annoying one bit!  And by bit, we mean annoying as SHIT.  Seriously folks, what’s the big deal here?  All premise, some promise, no permanence. You want a throw yerself back into the glory John Cusack days?  Watch Better Off Dead or even it’s younger brother One Crazy Summer, which are both more rad than this one lazy bummer

Zabka!!!!:  only thing worth noting here is the ‘introduction’ (as it appears in the credits) of the leg sweeper William Zabka!!!  peep this Retrocrush interview with the Academy Award nominee (yes, you read that correctly)

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

HTTM is currently lukewarm at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

IMAX: Hubble 3D
Narrow In Telescope
Official Website | Trailer & Mo

If you’ve ever seen an IMAX movie about space before, say the ’85 Cronkite narrated classic The Dream Is Alive, then there’s really no reason to see another.  Hubble 3-D is the latest to hit IMAX screens, and in space, or anywhere for that matter, no one will hear you scream, cause this 45 minute look at astronauts repairing the telescope, sadly too sparingly interspersed with some gorgeous deep space photos it has taken over the lightyears, won’t get much of a rise out of anyone.  Leonardo DiCaprio‘s voice over doesn’t exactly create a lift off either.  Somebody peas wake us when they get their a$$es to Mars!

To The MAX: IMAX’s very first film Tiger Child debuted at the Japan Expo in 1970.  peep this nifty video of the Expo’s grounds

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hubble stubbles today in limited IMAX release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

yesterday our Thighs turned 6.  today we begins our march for 6 more, or maybe even 666 more.  who knows?  the Shadow does.  so does the Lord.   the Lord once said ‘the time has come to set aside childish things‘, but sometimes the Lord can be wrong, like when she picked Nevermind The Sandra Bullocks for Best Actress, when she shoulda been picked for most likely to be in some romantic comedy that we’d rather drink diarrhea in a NJ Turnpike tollboth than go and see it.  or was it the Shadow’s fault?  anywhoobuttstank, we will never set aside childish things, hispecially our ghettoloriousnessness kelsey grammar, but we vowed to make Thighs Wide Shut more aesthetically pleasing, and in turn, less yellow and less all around eyesore-y for you our dear readers and JO textperts.  so, here we are, love it or love it, this be the new and improved Thighs, with easier to search and navigate stuff and things, but still with all the same poorly written movie reviews and gigantic boobs from the UK trimmings you’ve cum to eggspect.  but before we leap forward, let’s look backwards on last year’s crap and shazta

the bacon explosion

Scanwiches.com

Pieter Dirkx’ filming locations

‘Silent E’ on the Electric Company

Charlotte Allthetimes

NHL playas/entertainers switched @ birth thingies

Kill The Old Man From The Legend of Zelda

Mike Tyson vs Little Mac, round 2

Disney, the forefathers of recycling

Amber Heard’s  NSFW Informers scenes

(Never) Let My Cameron Go

‘He’s Behind You, He’s Got Swine Flu’

ExplosionsAndBoobs.com

California Beach Feet

this may be a trap

Philo T Farnsworth Every Second

current pictures of the Washington Coliseum, site of the Beatles’ very first American concert

The 1954 Milan Indians, aka the real Hoosiers

Choose Your Own Adventure Books That Never Quite Made It

The Great Moon Hoax of 1835

Mama Cass sings her love for Hardee’s

1970s Era Ads Targeting African American Consumers

Live Free or Use Tokens

Jake Lloyd: Ten Years After Star Wars Ep One

Not The Cosbys XXX [NSFW]

Unusual Paintings of Obama Naked w/Unicorns

DuckTales is awesome!

ä, ë, ï, ö, ü & sömëtïmës ÿ

white girls doing impressions of Bill Cosby

Three Frames

‘Ass 2 Ass’ with you [empee3]

replacing Moira with Lara

I Me Nine

WEEPULS!

Time magazine mock-ups in movies

Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Liberty

conjoined twins post

the car that wasn’t there

Vicki Lawrence of A Labia

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boobs!!!!!!

Astronaut, painting by Scott Listfield

Antichrist – antiwatchable

the roads of The Road

a marching band marches to the beat of the Numa Numa guy

Man Creates Pan Am Jet Cabin in Garage

boo to faux Cliff Engle sweaters

Stories Behind 10 Famous Food Logos

Neil Diamond covers Adam Sandler’s ‘The Chanukah Song’

Addams Family Invaluables

Pan Am’s Helvetica dreamtime

C-3POhhhhh snapedness

AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

Nytol plus you equals Zzzzzzzzs

Museum of Modern Tweets

Morley Safer takes a look back at Andy Rooney’s career

Coppola Pachinko commercials

Bacon Cheese Turtleburger

perv-iously

Nut Saks Fifth Anniversary

Queer As Fourth

Three’s A Crowd… PLEASER!

In Case You Didn’t Feel Like Showing Up

Bring On The Terrible Twos!

we’d like to thank the tireless efforts and effarts of Gallop Pole Dancer, for installing all the new whells and bistles, and doing our bidding, and allowing us to feed him pastrami.  you sir have been officially knighted as a knight of the table of our round stomachs of the Kingdom of Thighland.  it’s only the 2732th highest honor, so don’t be that honor rolled

every year we instantly pick the Academy Award winners
and every day we pick axe

Best Picture

• Avatar
• The Blind Side
  
• District 9
  
• An Education
  
• The Hurt Locker
• Inglourious Basterds
• Precious: Yada Yada Yada
• A Serious Man
• Up
• Up In The Air
  

WINNER: half of these don’t even really deserve the honor of being nominated, making 10 total a total waste, but lettuce hope (and we think) moving magic (The Hurt Locker) will slightly edge out movie magic (Avatar) in a sirprize for the ages!

Actor

• Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
• George Clooney, Up in the Air
• Colin Firth, A Single Man
• Morgan Freeman, Invictus
• Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

WINNER: Renner is mos deserving, but he always plays a dick and although everyone in Hollywood loves dick, they also love Jeff Bridges to everywhere, instead of bridges to nowhere. plus it may give Beau Bridges more chances at working, and what’s so wrong wit that?

Actress

• Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
• Helen Mirren, The Last Station
• Carey Mulligan, An Education
• Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Gabba Gabba Banta Podu
  
• Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

WINNER: strong picks across the board, and yes, that includes sassy-ass-mcgeed Bullock and her work in the B-side, but don’t think that anyone will be able to stop the clean Streep from mcnabbing her first statuette since 1983!!

Supporting Actor

• Matt Damon, Invictus
• Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
• Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
• Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
• Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

WINNER: Tucci and his comb-over are the stuff of nightly nightmares and Oscar dreams, yet this will be a first for and probably a last Waltz

Supporting Actress

• Penélope Cruz, Nine
• Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
• Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart
• Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
• Mo’Nique, Precious: Mecious Lecious Crecious
  

WINNER: Mo’Nique, cause we deserve more one name winners, ala Cher

Director

• Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
• James Cameron, Avatar
• Lee Daniels, Precious
• Jason Reitman, Up in the Air
• Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds

WINNER: once again, a battle of Pandora vs Iraq, but the DGA winner is usually the winner here, so be sure to bet more than a deuce on Bigelow

Foreign Film

• Ajami (Israel)
• El secreto de sus ojos (Argentina)
• The Milk of Sorrow (Peru)
• Un Prophète (France)
• Das Weisse Band/The White Ribbon (Germany)

WINNER: a nice day for a White… Ribbon!!!

Adapted Screenplay

• Up in the Air
• Precious: Ness Ness Ness
  
• An Education
• District 9
• In the Loop

WINNER: Up In The Air has to win something, although it shouldn’t, so we’re gonna pick In The Loop cause it rhymes with poop, which it’s far from/flung

Original Screenplay

• Inglourious Basterds
• The Hurt Locker
• A Serious Man
• Up
• The Messenger

WINNER: Harvey Weinstein will sell his weight in gold to get Basterds it’s own gold

Animated Feature Film

• Coraline
• Fantastic Mr. Fox
• The Princess and the Frog
• The Secret of Kells
• Up

WINNER: what the kells is The Secret of Kells? Fox is foxier than Up, but this is always a popularity contest (unless a Miyazaki film is involved), so take one fargin guess who wins

Art Direction

• Avatar
• The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
• Nine
• Sherlock Holmes
  
• The Youg Victoria

WINNER: get Avatared!

Cinematography

• Avatar
• Harry Potter Gets Pubes
  
• The Hurt Locker
  
• Inglourious Basterds
• The White Ribbon

WINNER: Ribbon, for her pleasure

Costume

• Bright Star
• Coco Before Chanel
  
• The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
• Nine
• The Young Victoria

WINNER: period pieces rule this harder than a ruler measuring our cocks, so it cums down to Star and Vicky, wit Star shining brighter cause its period is an exclamation point!

Documentary Feature

• Burma VJ
• The Cove
• Food, Inc.
• Which Way Home
  

WINNER: mo like Food, Stinks! Please dear lord, let The Cove win, cause dolphin meat is a bigger problem than how delicious McDonalds is

Documentary (short subject)

• China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province
• The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner
• The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant
• Music by Prudence
• Rabbit à la Berlin
  

WINNER: everyone loves a good disaster, and while our hearts go out to those commies, nuttin hits home like the Closing of a GM Plant! did Michael Moore direct that?

Film Editing

• Avatar
• District 9
  
• The Hurt Locker
  
• Inglourious Basterds

WINNER: this Avatar vs Locker vs Basterds in a ton of races is tuff tomatoes, so tie goes to none of the above, District 9!

Makeup

• Il Divo
• Star Trek
  
• The Young Victoria
  

WINNER: don’t recall that much makeup in Vicky or anything beyond pointy ears and foreheads in Trek, and since Il Divo got ill ex-communicated for not getting a Foreign Language nom, it’s makeup award will be a makeup call

Original Score

• Avatar
• Fantastic Mr Fox
• The Hurt Locker
• Sherlock Holmes
• Up

WINNER: ooooo, they so James Hornery for Avatar

Original Song

• “Almost There”, Randy Newman, The Princess and the Frog
• “Down in New Orleans”, Randy Newman, The Princess and the Frog
• “Loin de Paname”, Reinhardt Wagner and Frank Thomas, Paris 36
• “Take It All”, Maury Yeston, Nine
• “Weary Kind”, Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett, Crazy Heart
  

WINNER: the lovely T Bone in steak sizzles!

Animated Short Film

• French Roast
  
• Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty
• The Lady and the Reaper (La Dama y la Muerte)
• Logorama
• A Matter of Loaf and Death

WINNER: Logorama > Mola Ram

Live Action Short Film

• The Door
• Instead of Abracadabra
• Kavi
• Miracle Fish
• The New Tenants

WINNER: Door about Chernobyl, Kavi about slave labor. take yer pick. as of now, we’ll pick Kavi, cause it sounds almos like Navi, the mos terrible bowler we know!

Sound Mixing

• Avatar
• The Hurt Locker
  
• Inglourious Basterds
• Star Trek
  
• Up

WINNER: Davy Jones’ Locker

Sound Editing

• Avatar
• The Hurt Locker
  
• Inglourious Basterds
• Star Trek
  
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

WINNER: Avodart

Visual Effects

• Avatar
• District 9
  
• Star Trek

WINNER: amazin what 9 did on such a small budget, but tits the big budgets that always win here, so Avodart againnn

Thighs’ Annual Oscar Pool details 5thcoming, as well as our shlong overdue 2009 movie awards, so stay pooned!!!

Here were our early picks in the ’05 & the ’06 & the ’07 & the ’08 & the ’09

Hotlanta’s World of Coke
visited with the IU Dumplin gang
& The Gr8 and Gr9 Goldenshmizzle

before you can see or do anything, one is forced
to watch the world’s creepiest propaganda film ever

somewhere Leni Riefenstahl is turning over in her grave, a grave that I pissed on!!!

but some propganda deserves mad props-a-grandeur!

the original ‘Oh Snap!’ -Jewanicure

even lezzies love Coke!

that’s how they talk in Irkutsk

more cans he can’t hate

on second thought, he’ll never like any cans

now it’s off to the tasting room!!

American Coke Products

classic tastes, classic logos, juss so effin classic all around
EAT IT PEPSI!

enjoy

Tab Hunter

Asian Coke Products

they all tasted like soy sauce

Latin America Coke Products

they all tasted like salsa

Paraguay?

more like paraGAY

European Coke Products

we’d rather drink tuna juice than drink Beverly

African Coke Products

they all tasted like famine

Sunfill, Dijoubti for ‘mouthwash’

Dijboubti, English for ‘your booty’

the two best Non-US Hotties drinky-poos

Krest Ginger Ale and Stoney Tangawizi (Ginger Beer)

man o man did our mouths tasted like awfuls afterwards
so gross! like mad gross! like too gross! like 288 and then some!
but it’s something you gotta do at least once
even if it’s overpriced
and even if that crapdubious propaganda film is
more disturbing than LVT’s Antichrist