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Friday, August 19
The Dukes of Hazzard
Not Filled With Hazzardous Waste
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What on Gawd's green (mostly blue) earth happened to not only make the Dukes flick not awful, but kinda mostly enjoyable entertainment?!?!? Dat's right folks, I'm here to say that it's kinda mostly safe to venture into the theater and see this. And this coming from a man who paid to see it twice. OK, tickets in Vermont are no more than 7 bones and the first time I purchased I snuck into The 40 Minute + Waste of Unfunny Timeness instead. Going in, I had lower expectations for this than a sequel to Dicken's Great Expectations. I mean, Seannnnnn Williammm Scotttt who stinks worse than 3 day olde poo on Scott's sandtoiletpaper? Wiccan PLEASE#!!#?? That guy couldn't act his way out of a bottle of ACT mouthwash. But ya wanna know what, the brother outacted the top billed non-actors, including Jessica Simpson, who didn't really need to act, juss show off her bod that's more tight and yummier than a Ziploc bag of red licorice laces, and Johnny Knoxville, who should only be allowed to hurt himself for our entertainment. Willie Nelson was udder brills, but more underused than a pair of Aquaman Underoos. Sure, there's no plot, no memorable lines, and nothing really to yeeeee-haawww about, but somehow, after the first bumpy 25 minutes, this movie revved it up and never parked. I was waiting for it all to come to a complete stop and go in reverse, but all the while my smile never left my face. And thats cause they zeroed in on the only thing that matters: The General Lee, and lots of it. The only real negative thangs I can conjure up to say is that no one could ever out sleaze Sorrell Booke, but at least they coulda cast someone who's fat and balding to play Boss Hogg, not a greasy and face-lifted mustachazoid. And riddle me this fatmen, who decided that Rosco P. Coltrane needs to git git git morer tougher than Leonard Smalls in leather? But please don't git git me wrong, this flick coulda been a lot more and even more than a lot more, but with so much garbage out there, this is kinda like the king of the garbage. I actually think they should use the same cast and start up a new TV series based off the movie. More adventures, more General Lee, and more of Jessica Simpson trying to act like a bimbo, instead of being one.
Recommended for those who like: Rip Taylor, that Trey Atwood ho-bag, and every Southern Rock song imaginable.
Possible Porno Name: The Douches of Hazzard
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Bullitt
Wedding Crashers
Bigcrud Strikes Again
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The next person who tells me that this 'comedy' is hilarious and raunchy will get a punishment worser than listening to a book on tape of Christ Caviezel speaking Aramaic on an endless loop. It's not THAT funny and it's not THAT raunchy (which means it has its brief moments of funny and raunchy... and yes, I have to sadly admit that Vince Vaughn was actually kinda funny). But tell me, have you nia peoples ever seen a real comedy? Cause folks this isn't it. Talk about rehash. For 15 minutes you get glorious wedding crashing and then the movie turns into Meet The Parents with less Jews and more yawns than synagogue. And wat wit u peoples and yer open hearts and wallets for the Frat Pack? Not one of their flicks will stand the test of time like say, Airplane! or Blues Brothers or ANYTHING. We need more smart dumbness like Lebowski and Dynamite, and less Crapkowski and Vegemite.
Recommended for those who like: the great State of Maryland, Ali G's real Me Julie, and being an idiot who laffs at anything.
Possible Porno Name: Reddening Crotchers
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any Brett Ratner movie
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