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Saturday, March 20
This lil blooper video has been goin' round for a year or so, but worth a 2nd peepage.
Also, if you want to see a picture of how that douche bag Hayden "The Passion of The" Christensen will be transformed into James Earl Jones, click here.
Both links were stolen from Carnie's plate and LOFI.
We've all seen Ms. Hilton handle a cock in the dark, but apparently she can't handle a horse in the daylight. I can't f-in wait for the The Simple Life 2. It's gonna rock so hard (no pun intended). I haven't been this eggcited for anything since they released the new series of Garbage Pail Kids cards.
This one doesn't star Ah-nald, but it has some strange animals. Thanks to the Zack Attack for the link.
 Ever wonder what happened to that fat chick in Wilson Phillips with the mole and a ham addiction? I know you don't care, but Carnie Wilson has a brand spankin new website. Isn't it ironic that the former elephant's name is Carnie... as in carnivore? MEEAT!! And peeps this peeps, Wilson Phillips is coming out with a NEW ALBUM this May!! Cause if you hold on for one more day, things will go your way!
Friday, March 19
 - Tammy Faye announces that she has inoperable cancer. Will Vanilla Ice and the rest of her Surreal Life housemates be there for support?
- Child pornography charges against Pee-Wee Herman were dropped. Now he can stop wasting money on lawyers and finally spend it at Mario's Magic Shop or Chuck's Bike-O-Rama.
- The worst restaurant ever, Red Lobster, is going to cut-back on their all-you-can-eat promotions cause the patrons are literally eating their profits. I will never eat Shit Lobster or Long John Silver's. There's just something about fish and fast food that doesn't sit well with me. Sort of like Re-puke-le-cans and the White House.
The following is a slice of spam that I've been getting for months. Mr. Kouma's approach is all wrong. First of all, I don't have the attention span to read his entire email... unless there were links for porn. Secondly, I don't believe for a second that they have planes or banks in Africa. Thirdly, who the fuck would ever fall for this scam? Probably the same people who think forwarding an email to everyone they know will result in Bill Gates sending them a huge check. Oh boy. Anywho, I know it's TOP SECRET, but for yer enjoyment (or mine), here's the kind email Mr. Kouma sent:
FROM:FASO KOUMA
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT.
INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA (IBA),
BURKINA FASO.
Dear friend,
(TOP SECRET)
I am Mr FASO KOUMA.The director in charge of auditing and accounting section of International Bank Of Africa(IBA)BURKINA FASO in West Africa with due respect and regards. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction. During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died on 31st October 1999 in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development.
Although personally, I keep this information secret within myself and partners to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successful during the time of execution. The said amount was U.S $7.2M (seven million two hundred United States dollars). As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive information through the BURKINA FASO chamber of commerce on foreign business relations here in BURKINA FASO.
Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity. In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant(A Banker),we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank.
This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account.
I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 30% of the total sum as gratification, while 5% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer and also telephone bills, while 65% will be for me. Please, you have been adviced to keep "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal with you.
I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in. All other necessary vital information will be sent to you when I hear from you.
I look forward to receive your email,
Phone 00 226 62 04 79
Yours faithfully,
MR FASO KOUMA
Did you know that The Running Man was Lost In Translation? You may have seen this before, but it's always worth a second look. Link provided by TSpliff.
Spot the Drummer
Click me for images of celebs that will stop you from masturbating about them ever again. Big ups to Flowers~ for the linkage!
 The Donald sure likes to protect his interests and his hair. Turns out our good pals at le Smoking Gun have dug up the actual trademark application he filed for the phrase "You're Fired." As reported earlier, a t-shirt with that same very phrase that pays is quite the hot item. Enuff of this The Donald crap. When are we going to see more of his daughter, The Ivanka? One day The Donald will be handing her off to me and changing his tune to "You're Married."
Thursday, March 18
 I'm a huge fan of those two wack jobs on the Discovery Channel's Myth Busters, but the original gangster of busting myths is none other than Mr. Mustache, John Stossel. He may not be a household name juss yet, but when Babs Walters retires later this year, 20/20 will be his gig. His main shtick are those "Give Me a Break" (no relation to the hit Nell Carter sitcom) segments that make him look like the heir to the Andy Rooney throne of curmudgeons. But lately the Stosselmiester has been doing these very interesting pieces on debunking Myths, Lies, and Downright Stupidity. His latest opus will air on Monday, March 22 at 10 pm ET. Set yer TiVos.
JJ Johnson (no relation to Daily Bugle editor JJ Jameson) is dead at 62 of an apparent heart attack. You may remember him as one of the first VJs on MTV (you know, that network that used to play videos). In a preemptive move, I think we should freeze Martha Quinn for future generations.
 Get this, a man, who was sleeping in a trash bin, was almost crushed to death when the trashmen came to collect the garbage.
Good thing this didn't happen to our hero Bastian from The Neverending Story when the three bullies dumped him into a trash can. But then again, the dude above didn't have a great pal like Falcor.
Link lifted from Fark.
Thighs Wide Shut hates liars. Donny Rum"punch"sfeld is no eggception. Click on me for lies. Lettuce get these yahoos out of office in November!!
Link courtesy of Chillary G
- Senor Spielbergo and Tom Cruise are gonna butt heads again for a War of the Worlds remake. Why not skip this project and work on something we'd rather see like Indiana Jones 4 or another sequel, say Schindler's Bitchez?
- The voice behind Linda Blair's pea-soup-spitting child from The Exorcist has died at age 87.
- Donnie Darko to don the Green Hornet costume for "director" Kevin Smith? And who is gonna get to play asian sidekick Kato, George Carlin?
Turn on yer speakers for some famous people, including the Bend It Like Beckham girl, cussing.
Link lifted from our pals at Popbitch.
 I didn't think any of these two things below were humanly possible, but they are:
1) Jason Biggs can act!
2) Woody Allen made a good movie in the 00's!
The proof can be found in the Woodman's latest comedy, Anything Else, now out on DVD, VHS, Betamax, Laserdisc, and bootlegs on every street corner. This is the best Woody flick since Sweet and Lowdown. Jason Biggs plays, guess what, a Woody Allenesque writer who fears death and being alone. He befriends another neurotic writer, played to perfection by the Woodman, and the two try to solve all of Biggs' problems... mainly the love of his life, Christina Ricci. Boy do I love Wednesday Addams. I mean, who wouldn't? Me love her five-head, dem bright eyes and those other things she has that come in a pair! My oh my! Jimmy Fallon was also in this movie, but he sucked more than watching golf on TV. They gave him like 2 lines in the movie, which was almost too much. And he committed a huge no-no... HE LOOKED DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA!!! Jimmy, you stink. Yer only on SNL cause the girls think yer fly. Stop laughing at the jokes and looking at the camera. That's what the mirror in your bathroom is for. EEEEEEEsh. But despite Mr. Fallon's brief appearance the movie, if you love the Woodman, check out this movie as it's a refreshing change from his last three "films", Hollywood Sucking, Curse of the Jade Sucking, and Small Time Suckers.
Wednesday, March 17
 In a rare NYC appearance, the Chemical Brothers will be laying down their block rockin'-ass beats next Friday, March 26th @ good ole Centro-Fly. You can enter to win tickets to the show and other fab shwag here. Wish I could go, but I'll be homeward bound eating ma's flank steak and fresh-cut french fries.
 I was juss walking home from work (yes I actually do work), and Wings "star" Steven Weber walked right past me! God am I a lucky dog!!! But how come a big "star" like him is walking around the streets when the weather is so darn shitty? Maybe things haven't quite taken off for him ever since he "starred" in that AWFUL TV version of The Shining. Anywho, where do I have to live so I can bump into his Wings co-"star" Crystal Bernard? She's yum, like Häagen-Dazs.
I just "won" these ultra-fly Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom 7-Up glasses off of eBay. My childhood is now complete.
Mel made some serious bank with The Christ. Next up on his list may be the story of Chanukah!?!??!?! WTF Mel??? Maybe after that he'll turn the Koran into a hit movie. Or what about Kwanza? There's a story that must be told!!
Link stolen from our dear friends at Productshop NYC.
The next season of MTV's The Real World was set to begin taping in Philly in about three weeks. Well, that shit aint happening no mo. I think the real reason that they are pulling out is cause this season, in San Diego, blows goats. The cast is so f-in boring. The most eggciting thing on every show are the credits. Frankie may be scared of big boats and water, but I'm scared to death of her and her nastiness. YUCK! PLEASE Bring back CT!
Can the Whale Rider save the Star Wars franchise? If only they brought back Keira Knightley to reprise her Episode I role of Sabé and have her fall in love with Natalie Portman.
A 10-year-old Vermonster is this year's top dog at the annual Rotten Sneaker Contest. Maybe I should enter next year, cause I could use the $500 savings bond, $100 to buy a new pair of sneakers, and a plethora of Odor-Eater products... plus a trip to everyone's favorite state capital, Montpelier.
 It's March 17th and whether yer Finnish, Amish, Elvish, or Jewish, it's time to celebrate Irish culture and get yer drink on!!! Be sure to use Irish Spring, eat Lucky Charms, drink Irish coffee, hate the British, listen to U2, Enya, Sinead O’Connor, the Cranberries, and of course, lyrical masterminds, House of Pain. I mean, who else would rhyme "jedi" and "bet I"?
And why not rent Darby O'Gill & The Little People, Celtic Pride, and ALL of the Leprechaun movies, including Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood.
And please, don't kiss me cause I'm Irish, but just cause I'm horny. Erin Go Braugh and Erin Go Brockovich!!!
Tuesday, March 16
 This is one of the hottest t-shirts on the market right now. Last week, 300 of these babies sold out in 3 hours at NY's Bloomingdale's. It's not sir prizing considering that people actually buy bottled water adorned with The Donald's face on it. These threads may turn out to be a collector's item like those Dolce & Gabbana Snatch, Coming Soon tees a few years back. Btw, aren't Guy Ritchie & Madonna so 2000? Are they hiding in the woods with Lukas Haas? Anywho, if you want a piece of the action and aren't that uber-hip or uber-rich, there's always 2nd-rate "You're Fired" shirts available on eBay.
A new survey, conducted by the Institute for Jewish and Community Research, shows that not that many American people blame Jews for The Christ's death. However, they do blame Jews for unleashing Dracula: Dead and Loving It on to the world. And btw, wtf is up with Jews for Jesus ? Do they sit there all day blaming themselves for killing their own Messiah? Oy vey!!
You suck
And the best news that I've heard in weeks is that Ben Affleck no longer wants to do any more action movies. However, I'm still waiting for his official retirement announcement. One more Gigli and we're there!!
Thanks to my good pals at Ask Yahoo, I now know!!
The origin of North Carolina's nickname is grounded, at least in part, in one of the state's major products during the Colonial Era -- tar. The tar was made by slowly burning the wood of longleaf pine trees. One legend attributes the name to the laborers who walked out of the woods with the sticky black substance on their shoes. Other stories go back to the Revolutionary War, when North Carolina soldiers continued marching after wading through a river coated with the viscous liquid.
We like the explanation on the state's official web site for its colorful and imaginative dialog. It traces the nickname's source to the Civil War. Retreating soldiers left a column of North Carolinians to battle the enemy alone. Later, the North Carolinians met the fleeing troops and told them for the next battle we'll put tar on your heels to make them stick. Gen. Robert E. Lee, on hearing the story, reportedly exclaimed, "God bless the Tar Heel boys."
Over the years, North Carolina has been known by many nicknames, including the Turpentine State, the Land of the Sky, and the Old North State. But the nickname Tar Heel has stuck -- just like tar on a soldier's shoe.
Anywho, fuck Duke. I hope they lose in the 1st round to Alabama St. Go Terps!!!!
This Friday, the 19th @ 7:55 PM, at the Sunshine Cinema, Neil Young will be on hand to introduce his new film Greendale. This movie looks like it was filmed on my Dad's 80s camcorder, but the song "Be The Rain" does kick some serious glass!!!
I'm still waiting for their "next move"...
When yer living in Afghanistan, money's tight and yer rather horny, please don't do what this soldier did. What an a$$.
Monday, March 22, 7-10 pm - Weezer Deluxe Edition Release Party - The Onion and Geffen Records team up to celebrate the 10th anniversary re-release of Weezer's Weezer this Monday at Remote Lounge. Hear the repackaged deluxe edition and preview the new DVD, Video Capture Device 1991-2001, before it goes on sale March 23. The Onion will buy your Brooklyn Brewery beer (while it lasts) from 7 to 9 p.m. Must be 21+. You can also win a copy of the new DVD and other prizes while you're there. To attend, email nypromo@theonion.com with "Weezer RSVP" in the subject. Remote Lounge - 327 Bowery (@ 2nd St.) - (212) 228-0228 - FREE w/ RSVP
People are so passionate about The Christ that it could end up being one of the highest grossing films of ALL TIME!! Word from Nazareth, PA is that the movie will be re-released this Christmas AND Easter of 2005!! Damn, we really need to get Star Wars back in to the theaters to regain its (thorn-less) crown.
In other The Christ related news, Jesus himself, Jim Caviezel met with the Pope on Monday. The Pope told Jimmy that he should make more movies like The Count of Monte Cristo.
Rent The Count of Monte Cristo on DVD.
Buy the sandwich at your local diner.
I forced myself to watch Meg Ryan bare her soul and boobies in this really dumb thriller called In The Cut. She plays some sort of a teacher, but you wouldn't know cause she's too busy watching some guy get a blow job in a bar's bathroom or being boned by Mark Ruffalo and his shady mustache. Instead of wasting 5 bucks to rent this crap on a stick, why don't you just look at this "real" picture of Meg in the buff.
Monday, March 15
Lukas Haas. You were amazing in that wicked-ass movie Solarbabies, where you rollerskate with Jami Gertz and Jason Patric. But where have you gone? We miss you!! Are you in the woods drinking pee like JD Salinger? At least Will Wheaton has a blog so we know that he's alive and well... or just alive for that matter. But news has been leaked that Lukas' going to be in some movie called Vinyl, where he's the drummer is in some slick-ass band that surrounded by hotties like Anna Faris. I smell a comeback.
Keep an eye out for these upcoming Lukas Haas Films:
- Lucas vs. Lukas
- Witness 2: Witnessed
- Looking Like Winona Ryder
- What's Happening: The Movie
Jay-Z's The Black Album + Weezer's The Blue Album = Jay-Zeezer. Big ups to Ultragrrrrrrrrrrrrrl for originally posting this link!
Ever wonder which Weezer album you are? And yes, you read that correctly.
Looks like John Henry will join his pa Ted as a human popsicle in sunny Arizona. But will the Williams clan be the next to join Simba and Buzz Lightyear on the Walt Disney on Ice show?
That's right, rocket scientologists, Charlie Sheen and Denise "Christmas Jones" Richards have given birth to a baby girl. I'm sure she'll grow up to be a nice piece of a$$, but with the brain activity of toothpaste. Yikes!!!!
One of the first names in art museums is the MoMA.
I guess the second is the MoBA (Museum of Bad Art).
Sometimes we take or freedom for granted, but did you know that until very recently, chewing gum was banned in Singapore?
Anywho, here's a list about gum:
Gum Taste That Lasted About 2 Seconds - Fruit Stripe
Best Flavors - Bubblicious
Best New Gum - Orbit
Gum The Tooth Fairy Always Gave Me - Trident
Best 80's Commercials That Had Cowboys & Gum - Hubba Bubba
Gum Most Sold By Children In Mexico - Chicklets
Best Use of Gum In a Movie - Pee Wee's Big Adventure
Best Gum/Lollipop Combo - Blow Pop's Sour Apple
Nastiest Gum - Chewels
Best Comics In a Gum Wrapper - The Hebrew Version of Bazooka
Chalkiest Gum - Dubble Bubble
Gum That Makes Tobacco Cool For Kids - Big League Chew
Worst Idea For a Gum - Gatorade Gum
Who would have known that harDCore Fugazi deity Ian MacKaye was such a softy for the letters A-E-I-O-U, and sometimes Y?
Link courtesy of K-Rock Raisinetes
Andy Rooney always knows how to incite riots. This man's life must be preserved for centuries to come. I say we freeze him and his lush eyebrows!
Sunday, March 14
Three reasons why the new season of The Sopranos sucks:
1) They always dedicate like 5 minutes of the show for Tony or Carmela (Anthony) to watch TV or a movie. It's so f-in boring now that the most entertaining part of each show is when we get to watch them watch Citizen Kane.
2) No Furio
3) What's with all the celebrity casting? Doesn't Robert Loggia, who's 116 years old, finally look his age? I wouldn't be sir prized if later on in the season, they have a scene where Rob and Tony go to FAO Schwartz and play "Chopsticks" on a giant electronic keyboard. And what about Steve Buscemi. Is it me or were Mr. Pink and director John Waters switched at birth? You be the judge!!
 
According to Lisa Marie Presley, while living at The Neverland Children Happy Place with Michael "Cracko" Jackson, she was "part of a machine" and was "seeing things", "but just stuff." Can you be a bit more vague Lisa?
Meanwhile, the Magi Society looked into their crystal ballz and foresaw that Lisa Marie and Nic Cage should never have been married.
It would it have been so much cooler if Elvis had sired a son instead of a daughter. Think about it. It's not like Elvis' son would have married Courtney Love or some dumb shit like that.
1. The Passion of the Christ - $31.7 million - A sequel is the works where the J man opens an unfinished furniture bidness. He makes tables with three legs.
2. Secret Window - $19 million - I was a bit skeptical about this one cause John Turturro seemed like he was reprising his role from O Brother, Where Art Thou?, but Ebert & Roeper, and my mother, all gave it positive reviews. This one may be worth a look.
 3. Starsky & Hutch - $16 million - Would you rather see this or a What's Happening movie?
4. Hidalgo - $11.7 million - More like Iscrapo.
5. Agent Cody Banks: Destination London - $8 million - Frankie Muniz's Career Trouble Alert: The first Cody Banks flick banked 14 mil on its opening weak end. Next week Malcom will go from the middle of this list to the bottom of it. This one may be out on home video by Easter.
6. 50 First Dates - $5.3 million - Is this movie still in theaters?
7. Twisted - $3.1 million - Samuel L, you know it's OK to not take every role you're offered, right?
 8. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen - $2.4 million - LL rocks once again. More people would rather pay to see the Drama Queen than The Return of the King. If Jack, The Whole Ten Yards, and Stroker Ace were re-released next week we could possibly have a royal straight flush in the top 10!
9. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - $2.05 million - Frodo, still gay?
10. Spartan - $2 million - I think this one might be good cause Mamet's wife, Rebecca Pidgeon, isn't in it... for once.
It may be the Jewish year of 5764, but the Mecca of Meats, The 2nd Ave Deli, is turning back the clock and PRICES like it was 1954!!! On Monday, from 11am to 8pm, chopped liver and pastrami are gonna cost bubkus!!
See you underneath this sign:
Info courtesy of The Geffen Family
My Maryland Twerpies have just won their first ACC Tourney crown in 20 years!! Things looked a bit grim there for awhile, but my man Johnny Gilchrist rocked the hizzle this whole weekend and finally ended Duke's reign of ACC Tourney terror. F-U Duke Basketball. I hate you more than tunafish. YUCK!!! Who's balls are you gonna suck now Dickie V?
C'mon kid, there's better things to cry over than
Duke sucking, like how bad the movie Hidalgo is.
Pics courtesy of My Man Marvkus
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