Thighs Wide Shut

G Sauce & Special Love goes out to Spike Lee’s When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts

Flags of Our Fathers & Letters From Iwo Jima
From The Filmmaker That Gave Us Space Cowboys
Flags Trailer|Jima Trailer

Luckily for us all, Clint’s more interested in human drama than dried fruit drama. I’m not gonna go on and on about either of these movies cause you really should see both, if you haven’t already, and if dat be the case then see them in the order that they were released (USA FIRST BIZATCH!). It’s impossible not to compare the films as they are two sides of one enorm-o story, er, um, war, so… I’m going to compare them. Flags isn’t as deeply emotional as Jima, but then again it’s not nearly as boring as it is either. I’m not saying that Iwo is woeful for the eyes, but Flags‘ sucksseeds as a piece of infotainment mo cause it pays equal attention to the home AND away, while Letters clocks waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many hours on that island. Dats all I gotta say… or not…

Before I go, I juss wanna give a giant middle finger to the Academy for two things:

1) how could anyone with eyes ever EVER EVER say that Little Miss Snoozeshine is more deserving of a Best Pic nom than Flags? With that kinda thinkin Napoleon Dynamite shoulda got a nod instead of Million Dollar Baby 2 years ago

2) Adam Beach from Flags got so hosed in the Best Supporting category. I can’t really disagree with their picks, and no offense to Alan Arkin, but the same rule applies as with #1

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix the John Wayne klassic Sands of Iwo Jima [trailer], which hactually featured the surviving flag raisers AND the flag itself!

Possible Porno Name: Our Fathers Are Fags & Penthouse Letters From Iwo Jima

Apt MPupil3: Pat Benatar’s ‘Love Is A Battlefield‘ [d]

Papa’s Got A Brand New Flag: take a peep at photographer Joe Rosenthal, who peaced the fork out last August, speak about that iconic image, which also eggsists in video form

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): sure, Iwo seems like it’s 4374217142 hours long, but in the long run, both are ultimately Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed… and by next time, I mean next week we’re frynally gonna unveil the breast of the breast in movies ‘006!!

Rocky Balboa
A Knockout
Trailers

I never thought that in a million years that a 6th Rocky movie would not only be watchable, but effin yumcredible! DATS EFFIN RIGHT, YO! I said it and I don’t care if you think otherwise. RB is the perfect ending to a series that shoulda hung up its gloves well before Lang got clubbered in #III. While it largely succeeds cause its a respectful celebration of the well travelled road of Rocky, in my mind, it extra-largely succeeds cause the film is a cinematic metaphor for Sylvester Stallone’s own rocky roaded life. When Rocky sez something about his life in the film, he’s also talkin bout Sylvester’s. It’s actually all very touching, and I aint talkin bout what one does when watching a Keeley Hazel sex tape, and it call all purty much be summed up in these lines (which almost doubles the length of this review!)

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!

Gawd bless you SS. You turned what shoulda been a joke into something of relevance. I don’t think anyone expected that to happen, but you went out and did what you do best, and for that, I think we can stop making Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot jokes… for at least another year. Breast of all, this gives me great hope for Die Hard IV: Live Free of Die Hard… even if that stoopid Jeepers Creepers Apple loser is in it

Unsatisfied with this?: then wait for Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra, which, to my chuck-knoll-ledge, has nothing to do with Cobra

Possible Porno Name: Bumby Dildo, AHHHHHH!

Apt MPupil3: David Barrett‘s only shining moment, ‘That One Shining Moment‘ [d|vid|post]

IMDb Sweeney: Rocky Sylvester’s currently attached to play ex-LAPD Detective Russell Poole, the man who solved the Biggie Smalls case, but was thwarted by his own superiors, in the ‘008 TV film Notorious, which I guess will be the closest thing Sly will ever get to being in a Hitchcock movie, although he did have an uncredited bit part in Woody Allen’s klassic Bananas and in the Oscar winning Klute. And who had any idea that his first film role was in a porn, The Party at Kitty and Stud’s?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

PTFOs also go out to Kentucky Fried Movie‘s Dr. Klahn, Space Mountain’s lead engineer, Swiftus/Brophy/Officer Levitt, Little Richard’s bigger, the stogie smokin Dick that was Dandy, the midget Dan that waz really Daper, the girl who wasn’t Bold or Beautiful, the Spaniel who wasn’t a cocker but really a Pookie, sum ye olde Nordique bizatch, Peyton’s inability to win the big game (even though he has one more big game left to win), & fresh headliners for Coachella ‘007

boo-nus coverage
•Art Buchwald’s final piece b4 forkin out
•Space Mountain, with the lites on
•The Bold & The Beautiful‘s ’89 opening credits
•Dr. Klahn’s welcome from Fist Full of Yen
•Three Men & A Ghost DEBUNKED!
•The Spaniels’ ‘Goodnight Sweetheart‘ [d]
•The Mamas & The Papas’ ‘I Saw Her Again‘ [d]

[5/15/06 postage]

Dreamgirls
So Dark The Con of Bill Condon
Trailers & Mo

Oscar Bait? Yepperino to the Mth degree. A Best Picture? Phfff, girls you’d have to Dream On a bit more than Brian Benben to get that kinda recognition outta me! Dreamgirls is mos def sum blockbuster entertainment, but after about an hour of greatness, you’d wish they’d stop dealing with their girl problems in song so the movie could wrap-up in 1/2 the time. Pfffa, you all probably peg me as a musical hating misogynist who only thinks Jews are funny, well, you’d be right about the woman hating and Jew thing (remember, Krammer isn’t Jewish, and I’m trying to forget that Jackie Mason is, and yes, Sarah Silverman is not funny and I hate her). Anywho, I actually love musicals, not only cause I’m an 1/8th gay, but cause my man boobs are larger than most women’sez. Oliver! and The Sound of Music are two of my all time mos flavorite films, right next to Women Must Die…t, Goys Aint Funny, and Jackie Mason Is Really A Goy Who Must Die…t! But modern times have not produce thoroughly modern musicals of bestness. Everyone whooed and haaaed when Chicago was released, but to me that shiz was more generic than CVS brand condoms. Well, D-girls is more tolerable than Richard Gere tapdancin’, but neither are as imaginative or worth multiple viewings like the only mod movie musical even worth noting, Moulin Rouge

Before this review comes to an end, I’d just like to vent on one more topic: Jennifer Hudson. Sure, the girl has got some mad pipes (and ta-tas) on her, and after she belts her big song in the middle of the flick, right before it nosedives into bordemville, everyone in the theater went banananananas, but to say she’s this fine actress and all and shower her with more awards than golden showers Ricky Martin has endured is just beyond my comprehension. When did singing = acting? If that equation was adapted over the past decade then why didn’t her fellow Idolists Justin & Kelly get accolades galore for their fine work in From Curly Pubes To Perky Tits? Their acting was about on par with Jennifer’s, but I guess director Robert Iscove is the monster to Bill Condon‘s god

Unsatisfied with this?: buy Diana Ross & The Supremes greatestists hits

Possible Porno Name: Reamgirls

Apt MPupil3: the REAL Eddie Murphy klassic written and produced by Rick James ‘Party All The Time‘ [d|vid]

IMDb Sweeney: HA! Dreamette Anika Noni Rose co-starred with Justin & Kelly in their shitacular film

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): lambastin aside, still Jeepers Worth A Peepers cause of the fab sets, costumes, and answerin the not so age old question of what would Beyoncé look like without make-up on or with every hairdo that Diana Ross ever had

a few more flicks left to see this week/end and then next week it’s Thighs Wide Movies ’06 shiz, yo!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…