Thighs Wide Shut

• Apparently it wasn’t Vince Gallo’s knob that gots vacuumed in The Brown Bunny by Chloe Smellingny, but some dude named Jacob Christner. Snot only that, but said dude has yet to be paid for his ‘work’. I did some sleuthin’ and to yer left, methinks this is what J-Christner looks like (here’s another pic) [via]. I don’t know what’s worser: sucking that guy’s kak or being pleasured by Chloe Uglyevny.

• The Shop Le Products, of NYC, has dug up the first single ‘Feel Good Inc’ (WIN or REAL) off of the Gorillaz 4thcumin cd, Demon Days. Since that and ‘Dirty Harry’ are money to my ears, there is no doubt in my resin drenched mind that this is going to be the album of the year of the Rooster.

• The O.C. gots picked up for a third season. What storylines lie ahead in our future? I’d like to see Summer get hit by a bus, Caleb impregnating an alien, Sandy getting his brows plucked, or the pen(is)ultimate: Marissa and Kirsten Nichols Cohen gettin all into carpets and the munching of them.

• How Not To Win Friends In Hollywood, by Lindsay Lohan

• Warm it up Kris. I’m about to.

• Zzzzzzz, part 4

• This guy is a real genius. Not to be confused with Lazlo from Real Genius. [via City RagDoll]

• Last noche I was dragged to the Black Crowes show at Hammerstein by my Naptown buddy Private Richard, and to my sirprize, I had a smashingly good time. I was suppose to see them play with Oasis at RCMH years ago, but no thanks to Duncan Hines (long story), I had to leave the show early. Anywho, they sounded franztastic. Sure, I haven’t listened to anything new since the days of ‘Remedy’, but I felt like I knew every single song they was playin’. Plus it didn’t hurt that I kept ogling Kate Hudson the whole night and thinking about her awful choices in filmdom. Raising Helen anyone?

• Making a rhombicosidodecahedron

• Pet Pillows

• How to really confuse your party guests [via Core-Vette]

• Need a reason to be hatin’ on Christians? Who else would make YESsica Alba feel ashamed for having such a killer’s hot fussy body. It’s so curvaceous and blogvacious that they should canonize her like St Cuthbert. Speaking of, although Alba’s bum (Album) ruffles my bag of Ruffles, I want to make it purrrfectly clear that HRT the II is still the uncontested Queen of Thighland and my heart.

• The word ‘wedgie’ finally gets the mad propers it deserves. Wedge Antilles could not be reached for comment.

• Cocteau Twins pull OUT of Coachella! Who the forkins are the Cocktwo Twins? [via AO Snott]

• Can someone please eggsplain why Hollyweird’s got Scarlett Johansson fever? Sure she looks aiiight, but her acting chops are worser than Mischa Barton’s. If she gets cast in Indy 4 over Natalie Hotman, I may never see another movie ever again that’s exec produced by George Lucas.

• Bruce Willis is not banging Lohan and not taking part in a Moonlighting movie. Too bad the only thing he said yes to was Die Hard 4.0.

• How awfulable will the Lord of Rings musical be?

• Don’t eggspect Teri Hatcher or the other Housewives to show off their snatchers anythyme soon.

• Kirsten Dunst likes porn on the cob

• New this year at Kings Dominion: Tomb Raider Firefall ride

• NYers: free passes to Guess Who. If we all get in, we should take a dump in a bag, light it on fire and then leave the theater after 6 minutes!

• Own a piece of National Lampoon Inc. [via Media Bistro Bistro]

• Elijah Wood will never be cool… even if he does look like The Virgin Mary.

• Ugly coffee mugs

• I take it back, side boobs are the new side boobs. right Anne? [via Looking for Mr FUBAR]

• And I keep thinking of possible replacements for Cuthy, but Her Royal Thighness the II can do no wrong in my eyes. Semper Thighs, do or tantalize!!!

[via UMC]

I HAKE You so much Twerps!

How do you beat Boouke twice &
lose to dem lowly Les Tigres thrice?

To hell wit da madness…
Is it football season yet?

• I’m no fan of Family Guy (it’s like an 16th rate Simpsons in my book), but many of yous may drool at this news: Family Guy Live, 2 shows in LA and 4 in NYC this April, which will include live readings of a classic episode, a special live performance from the eagerly anticipated Family Guy Live in Vegas comedy album, a sneak peek at the first new episode in 3 years, and a Q & A with the cast and creators of the series. Presale begins today at 10am EST and the password is ‘FREAKINSWEET’. Click here for LA and here for NYC. And please, don’t waste space in the ‘Speak Easy’ tellin me its a good show. I have better things to do like donate my grundle hair to science.

• Add Donavon Frankenreiter, Pinback, The Locust, Armin Van Buuren, and Gratitude to the Coachella leest.

• From the director of Saving Silverman and the writer of Eight Crazy Nights comes: THE END OF NAPOLEON DYNAMITE’S ACTING CAREER

• Gorillaz new album to be unveiled at SXSW?

• Officially the dumbestist Jewish shirt ever.

• Cuthbert, apparently likes to eat AND drink AND be the same room w/Dylan McDermott.

• Willis-Lohan grope fest = who cares.net

• Lohan’s neck + odd red splotches = wtf?

• Boo

• Boo Williams

• Boo Radley

• Boo Berry

• Why are people afraid of clowns? Even P Diddy?!

• The Gates to be recycled into candy corn?

• Peace the fork out to Nicole DeHuff, the bloody-nosed victim of Gaylord Focker’s pool volleyball super spikin’ skillz.

• March 9th – One day in and we already have our first spin-off blog, AhRonGuy. Too bad it was one entry and gone for Mr. Ah Ron. But others would follow, like Kid Kadoji, The Thinker, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet…, and The I-Train

• March 10th – First link to another blogger’s site, Mr Bandwagon Boy’s review of the new Mell Gibbsen movie Jesus Christ the Passions!

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• March 11th – First mention of Elisha Cuthbert (Her Royal Thighness the II) AND my sistah Flea becomes the first person credited for contributing a link. The link was this

• March 12th – ALF becomes the first pic posted in Thigh Wide Herstory. Thanks to Code 7R for letting me steal from their bandwidth for over a year and not saying a word!

• March 14th – Steve Buscemi & John Waters are the subjects for the first ‘Switched at Birth’ thang (which later would become ‘Bitched @ Swirth’)

• March 17th – Steven Weber of Wings fame becomes the first celeb I’ve run into since starting this whole thang.

• March 19th – Spot The Drummer debuts

• March 22nd – Eternal Sunshine & Intermish receive the first full Thighs Wide Review

• March 24th – I reveal my alter ego

• March 30th – Jesus blesses us with our first posted animated gif. No, not that Jesus.

• April 19th – The term ‘‘cock-blogged is introduced into the lexicon for all to use.

• April 30th – Dan Newbower becomes the first guest-blogger on this day.

• May 9th – My site finally overtakes all other booty-arsed urls as the #1 result when searching for ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ on Google.

• May 18th – I become fiending blog whore and start a second site: RidersOfLohan.blogspot.com. That lasted all of 12 seconds. Great name though, if I muss say so myself. I say you can say so! Thanks me. You’re quite welcome me.

• May 26th – We were added to F.U.B.A.R.’s link roll. The influx of hits hasn’t stopped since.

• June 2nd – Like the Jeffersons, I moved on up into Grambo‘s ‘Creme de la Creme’ category of link-a-dinks.

• June 4th – I am informed that I’m not the first blog to utilize the picture of The Kid :(

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• June 11th – Some douche bag buys ThighsWideShut.com before I did :(

• June 15th – Thigh Master meets Napoleon Dynamite

• July 2nd – While America was 2 days away from celebrating our independence from the Brits, we celebrated Lohan’s birth, the death of ThighsWideShut.blogspot.com and the birth of ThighsWideShutDOTOrg. Sure, this is the day I started to pay money TO blog, but I no longer had to steal people’s images/bandwidth.

• July 4th – I bowl a 231!!!

• July 7th – Thigh Master featured in national commercial whoring Napoleon Dynamite. Some might call this ‘un-baaa-leave-able!’

• July 9th – Lohan haunts my dreams

• July 11th – Lindsay Ismims becomes my newest bestest friend!

• July 15th – Lohan is dubbed the first ‘Her Royal Thighness’.

• July 16th – In memory of the founder of Gold’s Gym, the phrase ‘Peace The Fork Out’ is brought into this world for all to use. Up til then, I had been using ‘Peace The Fuck Out’, which is an homage to the Travis song of the same name. Wanna search all the ‘Peace The Fork Out’s? Thought so.

• July 20th – Prince Charles takes his first ride in cab EVER!

• July 25th – The readers of TWS.org vote that I should marry Lohan. Cuthbert wasn’t even on the ballot. Tsk tsk on my cysts.

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• August 8th – My love of corn is revealed

• August 18th – Our Thighs Spies scoop about Lohan’s lohandlers on the set of Herbie not only got some Defamer love, but also made the ‘buzz’ section of one of the most ghetto free newspapers in the world, The AM-NY… although not credited directly.

• August 22nd – I decide one and for all, The Thigh Master needs an heir

• September 1st – Ms Washingtonienne’s Playboy pics are unleashed. I consider chopping off my penis.

• September 12th – Sister Thigh Master engaged, FINALLY!!

• September 28th – Thigh Master meets Ultra and the Raveonettes

• September 29th – Baseball returns to DC

• October 5th – The last Thighs Wide Shut poll’s results

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• October 20th – Lohan’s long reign as Her Royal Thighness is over, as we welcomed our second Queen, Elisha Cuthbert. What can I say, my new sweetheart loves a man who loves corn. On this day I also received the best news in my first year as a Master of Thighs: Graham Coxon to re-join Blur!!

• November 3rd – Kerry gives up and I get all political… FOR ONCE!

• November 5th – Tara Reid’s gives us the nip slip. Yuuuuuuuuuurcsdcvjcvk!!

• November 7th – I celebrate myself and others born on this day.

• November 19th – Cuthbert dyes her hair and ALMOST gets booted from the Kingdom of Thighland

• November 22nd – Ron Artest goes ape shit & I hand in my bestest worstest Photoshopping to date. I also lie to everyone at work, go to the secret U2 show & insta-blog what’s going on to Stereogum.

• November 30th – Cuthy turns 22 and I wax poetic

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• December 1st – Ken Jennings LOSES!

• December 2nd – I request an intern. Only two people apply, but I never reply to them. I feel bad. But I think I do need an intern to search for crap on my behalf. Any takes out there? Email me.

• December 7th – Toughest day of my life

• December 12th – I become the first person to launch the search for Team Zissou Adidas shoes. Too bad they never made any, so people were forced to DIY it and some sold them for recockulous prices on eBay… which apparently no longer allows anyone to sell them.

• January 5th, 2005 – Superficial’s snaps of Jessica Alba in a white bikini officially end any chances that I may turn gay. And this proves that Jeff Gaycia is not gay-cia. But before you’re gay, you see The Hole.

• January 14th – My idol, Andy Rooney turns 86

• January 18th – Mischa Barton sheds the Falkor look and out-hots Her Royal Thighness the II at the Golden Globes. Barf-on becomes Her Royal Thighness the III for a day! Then went back to looking like Falkor.

• January 19th – Jamie Lynn Spears mania hits an all time high in the House of Thighs

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• February 2nd – I fall asleep at a concert for the first time and the future of TV is possibly saved!

• February 11th – Call it ‘Writer’s Blogck’ cause how else do you eggsplain how I could not come up with a title for a posting?

• February 16th – ‘Super-Giraffe’ movie idea is born

• March 8th – Thighs Wide turns 1!!! Duhvs!

Bitched @ Swirth

• Exxon & … • Rob Dibble & … • Cosby & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt I • Kim Clijsters & … AND Passanger 57 & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt II • Jenna Bush & … • Me & … • Kim Fowley, Ed Begley Jr. & … • John Kerry & EVERYONE • Lee Iacocca & … • I Heart Huckabees & … • Kuato from Total Recall & … • Carlos D & … • Not one of mine, but way worthy: Arafat &… • I was kinda proud of this one: The Bitched @ Swirth Trio Combo • This is probably 2nd finestest evs, and almost to true to be funny: Mischa Barton &… • Darrell Hammond & … • Napoleon Dynamite & … • The Kid & …

• Wyatt/Ilan Mitchell-Smith

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• Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano

• Chloe Sullivan/Allison ‘The’ Mack

• Biff Tanner/Tom Wilson

• Urkel/Jaleel White

• Wayne Arnold/Jason Hervey

• NOT Shia LaBeouf Cake

• D.A.R.Y.L./Barret Oliver

Fame Is A Bitch

• Still One of the Most Uncomfortable Pictures Ever

• Rich Kotite

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• Cut It Out.net

• John Kerry Is A Douche Bag But Im Voting For Him Anyway.com

• Draft Ditka

• Book Corky for your next event or The Fridge!

• Doing a Lynndie

• Scotty/James Doohan 4 EVA!

• Carl Lewis’ music video

• Hillary, Laura, and me

• ‘I hear there’s rumors on the internets‘

• Ulrich Haarbürste writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film

• Andrew Llllloyd Groper

• JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com

• The Many moods of Mischa Barton

Spank The Lord I Aint Any of These People

• The Tron Costume Guy w/the male camel toe!

• The Man of LaMustache

• The woman who stomped grapes

• Man selling swords on TV hurts himself

• Brutally Honest Personals

• World’s greatest mugshot?

• If I fall, will you catch me?

• Review of Dr. Ted Rothstein’s cosmetic braces

• BikerFox

• Angry Black Man: The Video

• The strange story of Lewis V Sills (we’re still the #1 search for it)

• What is this guy doing?

• The mos uncomfortable news report you may ever peep. You were warned. If you need to feel better, maybe you need to peep these news reports.

• Ouchers

• The Day After Party

• The Numa Numa kid

Listen Up

• Gunther Branlutte hands in one of the year’s best songs, ‘You Touch My Tralala’, videos [NSFW], and games [NSFW] that no one even remembers.

• 10 worst album covers of all time

• The Jim Mora Rants

• Coldplay hands in ‘Nappies‘

• The Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ remixes revisted

• I hope David Bowie never sees this

• CookiePuss speaks!

• ’99 Luft Problems’

• Thighs Wide Music of ’04

Cinemasters

• The faux Hobbit trailer

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• The faux Episode III trailer & Being teased by Ep III‘s teaser

• The breastest movie songs of all thyme

• Ebert & Roeper memorable review of White Chicks, audio style

• The Next Citizen Kane

• The only Mulholland Dr website you’ll ever need

• The Wet Dream Team

• No budget filmmaking at its mos awfulistical

• Why rent The Girl Next Door, when you can watch the best part here.

• Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project

• Thighs Wide Movies of ’04

Shall We Play A Game?

• The Subservient Chicken

• Let Them Sing It For You

• Touch this guy’s face

• Chicken Pong

• Kids ‘N Play

• Punch Bush in the face

• ROCK OUT!

• Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game

ProductShopTWS

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• Fake Dr Pepper

• Butt Paste

• Yarmulkebra

• Custom M&Ms!

• Nothing quite sez Chappy Channukah like this

• Torture your child

• For once, being a red state is a good thing

• Cat Butt Gum

• ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtray

• Steve Perry as Robocop

The Information Super Thighway

• Bar Mitzvah Disco

• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

• Words I hate and words I love

• Build your own KITT car

• 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records

• Boong Ga Boong Ga

• Cellie-Bratin’ The Subway’s Cent-Tennyul

• Learn how to give a mouse an enema

• Search & Destro

• My best ‘Peace The Fork Out’ piece. The best one I didn’t do.

Information-less Super Thighway

• Ping pong madness

• Volume on and get ready for a sirprize

• Duct Tape Prom Fashions

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• Ali G’s Ghettosburg Address @ Harvard’s Graduation (FFwd to 01:27:34, unless you want to be bored for 90 minutes)

• Foriegn fingers

• Nuclear Bob’s Shirt of the Day

• POLAPOLAPOLAP

• Wurstest re-offender dot.evs

• Borat sings ‘Throw The Jew Down The Well’ and the world will never be the same

• Two girls beat the fork outta each other

• 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics

• Khaaaaaaaaaan!

• Whatevs.blogspot.com

• Hipster Jenga

• Why The World Hates American Tourists

• EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com

• The Karate Chimp

• The Rubik’s Cube Kid

• Saved By The Be(ll)st

• Sausages: The Video

The Not Safe For Work
(NSFW) Collection

• A pic of Lil Kim’s Ill Na Na between her thighs.

• Why is this black man sucking of Courtney Love’s breast in public again?

• This one will make u lose yer lunch

• Rate My Camel Toe

• Cumshots, the band, and their stage show

• Ludivine Sagnier Nekkid

• Elvira nekkid

• Flash Mountain

• Watch the kid in the background

• Is this yer granny or yer gran-pa-pa?

• Natalie Portman was so darn good in Closer, and by good, I mean pole dancing up a storm!

• Tonya from Real World/Road Rules Playboys pics

• Japanese Anime dolls that poop

• Really milky titttties

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Porn

YOU, yes you, did a stooopendus job clicking dear readers. I ask of you only this one thing: Name me your favorite headlines from the past year (i.e. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Behrooz). Or ignore what I juss said and marvel at this collage of some of the best beards and ‘staches…

After watching the Herbie: Fully Loaded trailer my reaction pretty much looked like this:

[link via some kid named Justin]

[via UseMyCPU]