Tuesday, December 28
Peace The Fork Out,
Once Again
And correct he was to put in such a request because it is due to Ms. Sontag that we have all developed a taste for something like our dear thighswideshut. You see, as if she was planning for the arrival of the Thigh Master some fifteen years later, she introduced the concept of "so bad its good" in 1964. Without her we would have no term to describe the brilliance of Caddyshack 2. It's all "camp" baby.
Sadly she tainted her later years with idiotic tirades about how we belittled the 9/11 hijackers and how their gripes with the US justified their actions. But today since we are celebrating her life, well just knock that last one up to senility.
So the question that remains is; are we better off in a world with one less fundamentalist intellectual? Only time will tell.
Monday, December 27
Mourning of 1,001
Peace The Fork Outs

1961 to 2004
Instead of speaking on behalf of a man I hardly knew, I'll let Reg do all the talkin' here... from a lil speech he gave to the Wisconsin state legislature (that Mr Joe E Tata thankfully reminded me of):
When you look at the black race, black people are very gifted in what we call worship and celebration. A lot of us like to dance, and if you go to black churches, you see people jumping up and down, because they really get into it. White people were blessed with the gift of structure and organization. You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature and you know how to tap into money pretty much better than a lot of people do around the world. Hispanics are gifted in family structure. You can see a Hispanic person and they can put 20 or 30 people in one home. They were gifted in the family structure. When you look at the Asians, the Asian is very gifted in creation, creativity and inventions. If you go to Japan or any Asian country, they can turn a television into a watch. They're very creative. And you look at the Indians, they have been very gifted in the spirituality.2nd and secondmostest, to les Redskins, who no longer grace the playoff race list. That's so friggin race-ist. We still love ya Gibbsy, and yes, even you Daniel Snyder. Keep spending.
3rd rockfromthesunest, to my eyeballs for peeping 5 movies since last Wednesday. Full reviews won't be posted until 2005, so here's a jist(ta-fy my love) of dem...
Fockers - not too funny, a lot of retread, and more 'Focker' jokes than one can handle in a two-hour span, but somehow still a highly entertaining piece of work.
Hotel Rwanda - one of the year's breastest. plain and simple.
Aviator - good, not great, but hey, beats Gangs of New York anyday. I'm a lil irate they didn't cover the last years of his life, which all of us want to see more than anything. Biggest shoe-in for Best Supporting Actress: Can you say Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn? Can you say CB be finest female actor in the bidness?
Lemony Snizzle's Series of Something or Others - one of the mostest beautiful looking movies I've ever seen. Right up there with Neverending Story, Princess Bride, Harry Pothead the III, or any Tim Burton jounks. Jim Carrey is sniztacular and although she's only like 6, I've got future dibs on Emily Browning. There's just something about fish-net sleeves that get me all eggcited.
Phantom of the Opera - well, at least the music was good, and looking at Jennifer Ellison was a nice.
and fourth and tenmostest, I'd live to peace the fork out myself, as I head to Jamaica with family Thighs. I'll try and post, but I may be too busy czeching out the

Sunday, December 26
Thighs Wide Music 2004














1) The Fiery Furnaces - Blueberry Boat
2) The Hidden Cameras - Mississauga Goddam
3) Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
4) Jay-Z/Danger Mouse - The Grey Album
5) U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
6) Air - Talkie Walkie
7) The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free
8) R.E.M. - Around The Sun
7) The Zutons - Who Killed The Zutons
8) The Killers - Hot Fuss
10) The Hives - Tyrannosaurus Hives
11) The Prodigy - Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned
12) The Futureheads - The Futureheads
13) The Arcade Fire - Funeral

Les Mostest
Disappointing Albums




Les Rockinestist Tunes
That Shook Me
Alls Knights Shlong

- 'Alpha Beta Gaga' by Air
- Any Howard Dean 'Yeagh' Remix
- 'Be the Rain' by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
- 'C'mon C'mon' by The Von Bondies
- 'Cherry Blossom Girl' by Air
- 'Common People' by William Shatner & Joe Jackson
- 'Drama Queen (That Girl)' by Lindsay Lohan
- 'God Only Knows' by Mandy Moore & Michael Stipe
- 'Irish Blood, English Heart' by Morrissey
- 'Nappies' by Coldplay
- 'Our Lips Are Sealed' by Hilary & Haley Duff
- 'Pressure Point' by The Zutons
- 'Rumors' by Lindsay Lohan
- 'Staring At The Sun' by TV On The Radio
- 'Throw The Jew Down The Well' by Borat
- 'Two-timing Touch & Broken Bones' by The Hives
- 'Vertigo' by U2
- 'Year of the Rat' by Badly Drawn Boy
What about 2003?
Click away at our sister site!
Saturday, December 25
Is Christmas Over Yet?


- Peace the fork out to former O's Skipper Johnny Oates. You and Mickey 'Fruit Loops' Tettleton were my early 90s heroes, besides Mr Ernst from Hey Dude.
- SEE HER FORMER ROYAL THIGHNESS PERFORM LIVE IN TIMES SQUARE FOR MTV'S NEW YEAR'S EVE BASH! LLski will Co-Host the MTV New Year's Eve Bash for 2005 AND perform LIVE OUTSIDE in Times Square. Wanna score free tix? Here's the deal: u must be in NYC during New Year's, be at least 16 years old, and email MTV.PRODUCTION.CASTING@MTVSTAFF.COM. Juss Type "LOHAN" in the subject line of your e-mail. Include: name, age, phone #, address & PICTURES (Include friend's info as well if you want them to be considered).
- Wanna see what a real list of the best movies of 2004 looks like? Well, yer gonna have to wait until 2005 for mine, but peep Film Comment's in the greenwich mean time. [via Big Bad Bogsworth]
- Wonder what Paris Hilton gives her friends for their b-days? Well, she gave her House of Wax (should be renamed House of Les Hotties) co-star Cuthy Cuthbertonson a bottle of her perfume and a signed copy of her book.
- Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas. [via Potbelly Eater #1]
- Homer Simpson to be killed and Ricky G/David Brent to pen an episode. Maybe there's still hope for the show. [via Fiddle Faddle]
- Bjork gets soaked in ice water. That's hot and I'm all wet meself just thinking about it.
- Cecil tackles the age ole question Was the swastika actually an old Native American symbol?
- The kiddies over at Double Viking are giving yer humble mumbler, the Thigh Master, a run for his money on movie reviews. Czech out their take on Almodovar's Bad Education.
- Blockbuster's online DVD service dropped its price to $14.99 for a full year. Netflix has no plan to match that price. Not only that, but this dude thinks in 2005 or 6, the two companies will merge. [all via Hacking Netflix]
- Arafat secretly funneled money into Bowlmor Lanes and now the company wants to return all the invested monies. Either way, this gives me a great eggscuse to never go there again. I mean, they charge and arm and a leg and a penis for bowling AND shoes and yet they don't even oil their frigadero lanes!!
- I've heard of camel toe, but Jamal toe?
- Air Passenger Gets Hefty Fine For Attempting To Smuggle Salami In Luggage. [via Sister Thighs]
- Could this 80's kid show featuring rainbows, playing with yer friend balls, and playing with a girl's maracas be for real? You be the judge. [via Mustard King of Cleveland]
- And me juss wanna pass along a huge Merry 2,004th b-day to Jesus. Thanks for making all of the world's athletes that much better. And on the 7th day, yer daddy created Cuthbert...

Thursday, December 23
Egg Noggin
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- Real World 16 is Austin, Tejas bound. I bet the cast will be Longhorny.
- Kate Bush to return!
- Women Allegedly Assault Man With Tongs
- The Infinite Cat Project.
- Mix dat shiitttttttt.
- Is Well Excuse Me Princess the new You're Man Now Dog? Hardly.
- Hubba Bubba is BACK! Was it ever gone?
Stay tuned for our picks for Albums and Singles of the year! And in the meantime think blonde, think Cuthbert.

[pic via Dedicated to...]
Wednesday, December 22
Fez To Us
For The Rest of Us
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- The Spice Girls to reunite... for a baptism?!
- Scarlett Johansson, the next Queen of England?
- Somebody call in Will Smith, cause we're gonna need him to take down HUBO. 'Ah, hellllz no!'
- Speaking of Humanoids, Daft Punk will drop their third LP, Human After All, in March of Oh-Five!
- Fockers, so far 41% rotten.
- Inspired by Kanye West, The Archdukes want to make a hip-hop record. I'm sure this news will make Angelina's panties all wet.
- Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is a fine actor, but no one should ever play Elvis eggcept for Michael St. Gerard.
- On MTV2's Subterranean last week, Le Tigre hate on Limp Bizkit and love on LL. Click here for the vid.
- On Saturday, January 8th at 7:00 p.m. at the Directors Guild Theater, The Museum of the Moving Image will present a special screening of Sideways, followed by a discussion with stars Paul Giamatti, Virginia Madsen, and Thomas Haden Church. Tix are $18 for the public and $12 for Museum members. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, December 22 at 10:00 a.m. Call (718) 784-4520 to reserve yours now.
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- Nothing sez Merry Chrismukkah like a Nixon Bowling Bobblehead or Doggy Poo.
- Disneyland, the orgy [sorta NSFW via Metafilter]
Tuesday, December 21
Buffalo Bilsonofabitch
in the cold for fresh O.C. eps?
Warm up to these babies!

These two crazy/sexy/cool snaps
of Billy Bilson are enuff to
make me say, Mischa who?

Want more Biggty Bilson hotness?
Click away!
Where's The Shia LaBeouf?
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- I can't stand Shia Le Blowsgoats, mainly cause he looks like a poophead, but I do love the name of this fansite: Shia LaBeouf Cake!
- Still shopping for gifts? Fark to the rescue!
- If you didn't catch SNL's chill-air-e-us 'Blue State Christmas Stop Motion Eggstravaganzazaza', Norm posted it here.
- Mike Nichols directs David Hyde Pierce, Tim Curry, and Hank Azaria in the stage production of Monty Python's SpamAlot. Is this enuff to lure me into the theater? Er, probably not.
- Harry Potter the VI goes on sale July 16th.
- How can this Phantom of the Opera flick be any good? Look at who's involved: Joel 'George Hamilton tanning school grad' Suckmaker, Emily 'I'm a scary and boring looking doll' Rossum, and Andrew Lllloyd Groper.
- Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video, Lego stizz-yle. Juss remember, the song doesn't start right away. [via Pak-Man]
- Ramsey to be Skins '05 starting QB. Why bother talking bout '05 when the Skins are still playoff bound in '04? Well, a boy can dream, can't he? UPDATE: Here's what needs to happen for the Skins to sneak in...
- And will Slovakians be able to control themselves at their local cinametoriaiums when they peep Her Royal Thighness The II's scrum-deli-umptious body in Sexbomba Odvedľa?

Monday, December 20
Bearded Ham
On Whole Wheat
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- Can someone please tell my why Time Magazine selects a Person of The Year and not Man of The Year? Don't get me wrong, I aint no sexist, cause I love nothing more than women and their thighs, but 'Person' juss sounds plain redonkeylous.
- Del Skins are somehow still in the thick of things for that final and pathetic Wild Card spot in the NFC.
- Tis official, that massive Coachella 2005 line-up, pure hogwash. What the fork is hogwash any way? Dirty bacon water? Someone please eggsplain.
- I have a bad feeling about Field Day Fest 2005... hispecially if someone named Blum Bump is involved.
- Due to popular de man, the Arcade Fire's Feb 1st Bowery show has been moved to Webster Hall. Additional tickets go on sale Monday @ noon here.
- Good Charlotte singer refuses to give Lohan's brother an autograph until she apologized to Hilary Duff for being such a bizatch and making more money than her.
- Ever wanted to see Tonya from Real World: Chitown in her birthday suit? Now be yer chance! [NSFWness via Zachk del Roachclip & H-Lister]
- Gorillaz.com, back in bidness!
- The video for the Chemical Brothers' latest tune, 'Galvanize', featuring Q-Tip, can be found here.
- People in France lover octopussessyses, hate McDonalds.
- Cure for snoring found! That's good news to anyone sleeping next to me... which would be NOBODY! Don't cry for me, I'm asexual, with a fetish for creamy female thighs.
- Some dude gets interviewed, pukes on desk. [via The Hater of Cubes]
- And finally, here's a picture of my face doing crazy things, during happier times, when a Polish girl gave me like 15 free Miller Lites, and my fantasy football squads were actually scoring points and not shitting the bed. Thanks Peyton, you deserved to be booed.

Friday, December 17
Cropp, In The Name of Love


- Linda W. Cropp is the new Hitler. But maybe DC's better off without baseball anyway. That way I can go back to being a hater and the city can go back to being Skins Country.
- Oh crap, if I ever want to win Her Former Royal Thighness' heart back, I better get meself a car! I'm thinking she'd love to roll around town in a pimped-out LeCar. But she probably doesn't have time for me anymore since her debut album hit #4 on Billboard's chart! Wow? Who knew that so many Americans had such little taste! And many of you have sent this to me and I'm sure you've seen it all over the internets anywhoitz, but here u goes: Lohan Got Some Big Ole Tittties (NSFW).
- Lisa Marie to sell off Elvis' name and image for around 100mil. I'll sell my name and image for 50 bucks if anyone wants it. [via The Medicine Man]
- Paris 'too lazy' to have sex.
- Albarn & Coxon perform in the same place and the same night, but not together.
- Paul Mc may use a Les Paul, be he may also use Lee's Press On Nails too!
- Boo.
- And the first Oscar of 2005 goes to...
- After last week's touching piece, Steve Hartman has returned to lameland. The guy is like the Jimmy Fallon of news reporting.
- Tickets already on sale for The Twin Peaks Fest. With a few weddings next summer, I may have to wait til 2006.
- The eye in the sky is a perv. [via Sistah Sistah]
- Make McDonald's filet-o-fish right in yer own kitchen. Microwaved fish? Forking dissssssssgusting! [via Ask Yaz]
- I don't think my sister would have been able to live in any age prior to WWI. The stench would have killed her.
- Get yer 'I Heart Fags' ashtrays right here! [via Popbitch]
- For the last time, I DON'T want a Redskins Christmas stocking with John Smith's name on it. We broke up ages ago and you people juss won't let it die.
- And to close up shoppe for the day, I juss wanna say that despite all the hotties than inhabit The O.C. and my wet dreams, me thinks me mos flavorite character and actor on the show has gots to be Caleb/Alan Dale (not this Alan Dale). The dude owns and forks everything. Plus I'd bone any of his offspring and stepchildren (and maybe him too). Not only that but he looks like the lovechild of that ultra creepy guy from Beverly Hills Cop The I and that ultra creepy German dude named Udo. Anywho, can you bee-leave C-Love/Alan to the mutter fudging D once had hair? Here's the proof Ruth!

Thursday, December 16
My Very Late Homework Assignment
With This & That Baby With No Face Running Thru My Head, I'm Never Having Sex Again!
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: poll dancing hotties, large photographs, and Jude Law looking like a total prick.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike N's other 4 person relationship hell-a-thon, Carnal Knowledge.
Bad Education
Is This Is Bad, I'm Dying To See His Good Education!
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: man ass, man love, and priests who sing 'Moon River' to children.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hitch's mos eggsalad Vertigo.
The Motorcycle Diaries
Easy On The Eyes Rider
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: medical students, people with missing body parts, and hearing the words 'Machu Picchu'.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix El Norte.
A Very Long Engagement
Unfortunately, The Theater Engagements Probably Won't Last Long
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: staring at Audrey Tattoo’s anime eyes, French mustaches, and seeing Jodie Foster (yes, that JF) getting boned!
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Paths of Glory fo sho!
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Movie Overbored
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: City of God's Knockout Ned, Willem Dafoe kicking it German again, and topless women.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any of Wes' other works!
The Incredibles
Is It Too Late To Rename It The UMcredibles?
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: Zorro masks, TV's Coach, and a movie that looks like but isn't Sky Captain And The World of Tomorrow.
Unsatisfied with this? You won't be, juss go and see it for Chisssssakes!
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Keeping Up With The Joneseses
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: traveling, girls with puffy cheeks, and pig shit.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Love Actually.
Overnight
How NOT To Succeed In Bidness
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: Massholes, cocky mutherstickers from Boson, and Harvey haters.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Startup.com.
National Treasure
Our Founding Fathers Are Shitting In Their Graves
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: really old documents, crap on a stick, Ben Franklin's good name being crapped on.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Indidna Jones and The Last Crusade, since its basically the same eggzact movie.
Till next time, the balcony is clothed!
Wednesday, December 15
Blathering Blatherskite
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- Colin Fuzzybrows did NOT bone Lohan. I'm sure that makes Disney happy since they don't want her to get nekkid.
- Puffer face and Jacky W gone splittsville for good?
- Eagles coach Andy Reid's rules the world and all he gets is this lousy cake?
- 'Give me a weapon of mass affection...' Boy o boy indeed! [via Ceffle via Metafilter]
- Who will be Biography's person of the year? Tune in tonight @ 8pm EST. Honestly, it should be Lohanski. No one has had a year like she has... besides me and the many nip/boob slips we've seen.
- The Ring Two looks like a major boo. This just in, scissors AREN'T scary!
- Wanna dress like Ali G? Ya missed yer chances!
- Here be some vids to pass the time: Mariko Takahashi's Fitness Video and Ouch. [via Del Roachclip]
- And yes, someone out there actually wasted their time creating a url dissing Gizmoduck.
Tuesday, December 14
Munching Carpet Samples
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- Speaking of slurping tuna tacos... Ellen DeGeneres has stolen Ringo Starr's step-daughter's lesbian lover! And for good reason, it's Portia de Rossi!
- Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan banging? Their children would have the creamiest of thighs and the nastiest of eyebrows.
- Google now has the ability to read your mind! [via Cubicle Hater]
- I thought I'd never live to see the day that Blockbuster dumps its late fees!
- Man breaks marathon record... on a treadmill! [via Mr Poon]
- Practice saying this before you order one: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. [via the Erect Donkeys]
- X-Entertainment supplies grrrrrreat holiday adverts of ye olden thymes.
- Take your magnifying glass, and go burn stuff up! Sounds like a bad Limp Bizkit song, eh? [via Ciffle Ceffle Caviffle]
- On January 5th at the Museum del Moving Image, there will be a special screening of A Very Long Engagement, followed by a discussion with its director, Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie, City of Lost Children). Call (718) 784-4520 for tickets ($18 public/$12 Museum members).
- Michelle's franztastic review of last week's ep of Desperate Housewives reminds me how lazy I've become. Anyone yearn for the days when I'd write 4 billion trillion (+ or - a trillion) words about Webster and Vanilla Ice instead of microwaved tunafish?
- Wanna be a Green Bay Packer shareholder? Well, yer probably too late, but here's the history of it.
- Surgeons remove 90 metal objects, including keys, screw drivers, and nails, from a 22-year-old's stomach!
- And since there hasn't been any Cuthy Cuthbertenson news for ages, I'm going to make some up: Cuthbert Admits That She Loves Thigh Master More Than Corn AND PORN!

Add ons...
- The Pixies definitely rock, but they are so borrrrrrrrring in concert. The fake trees they have holding the lights have more stage presence than they do. At least I still have the fond memories of their Coahcella performance... when I downed 15 chocolate-covered-frozen-banananananas.
- I'm back rockin Atkins and losing weight, so therefore I eat more MacDougals than Morgan Spurlock. Last nite after demolishing 3 double cheeseburgers, Megbot and I wondered what the buns tasted like without the meat. We tooks some bites (but no swallows) and they still taste just like a McDonald's burger. And I thinks to meself, what a wonderful world.
Monday, December 13
No Dave Butz About It
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- The Golden Globes, the mostest pointless awardses, have announced their nominations. Still, it is a nice to see someone recognize the amazingness that is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
- A baby is born with no face (pussies need not click). [via Victor Newborski]
- Andy Rooney: CBS News Anchor?
- This guy can't be fo real. [via Z de la R]
- Last minute holiday shopping: Rocky statue or some Star Wars locks of hair. [via the I-Train]
- Carl's Jr to add a hamburger w/fried egg to their breakfast line-up. Will the bigger guns follow suit? But more importantly, when will MacDougal's start selling their hash browns all day? [via Made of Brawnsteeee]
- And the breastest headline I've read in awhile be: Lindsay Lohan's Huge Thighs Are Responsible For Her Weight Loss! Huge are not, in her thighs, we lust!!
Sunday, December 12
A to Zissou
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- Did I mention that Zissou kinda sounds like Isuzu. And who the fork ever buys an Isuzu anymore? I mean, you know things are ruffer than a cats tongue when you gotta resurrect Joe Isuzu from his sarcophagus!
- One last Zissou thing... only cause I love using the word 'Zissou'... I'm willing to give the movie another go after being disappointed by my round 1 viewing. Maybe I'm missing something or I was juss too nervous during World Premiere screening cause I thought that Scott Rudin was going to eat me or buy the rights to my next bowel movement.
Non-Zissou related items start... NOW!!!
- Jeopardy!'s ratings plummet without Ken Jennings. DUH! Good, cause us Trebek groupies don't want you watching our umcredible show anymore anywayz anyhow anywho anywhere anythat anywhy and sometimes y. Switch off your brain and go back to watching Wheel of Boring.
- The monkey man himself, Ian Brown comes to town/Webster Hell on Saturday February 26. Eggspect him to throw out some Stone Roses jounks during the show. Tix are $30 and can be purchased here.
- Bored? Watch.
- Following up with a story reported months back, the Vermonster man who's home was overran by his herd of 300 goats just won permission to move them out of the state. I guess that means the poor old man will be forced to return to the old ways of gettin his doug jolleys on: masturbatin'.
- The Pasadena City College Courier (yes, one of the finest publications in all the world) claims that Stereogum is run by man named Steve Stereogum. Thats news to me, but maybe Steve is the new Scott. Anywho, Steve has recently gone Lohan CRAZY! Guess I'm out of a job, eh?
- Well I guess not, cause you know this is still yer one stop shop for all things Her Former Royal Thighness the I. Tweaking of... LL opens up about someone more troubled than her, her father: "I love my father very much, whatever he does. I don't respect what he's doing, but he's always been there for me and I love him. I don't do drugs and don't approve of drugs." Pish pah sweetits! That's not what you said when we were hitting our four foot bong and blowing lines off of prostitutes' breasts ala RoboCop! Anwyho, she took time out of her bizzy schedule of crying over pictures of Fez and blowing lines off of prostitutes' breasts ala RoboCop to make an appearance at Z100's Jingle Ball. Can you bee leave she was in the same building as Fez's new supposed love trAshlee Simpson AND rival Hilary Duff?!?!?! Now dem be some catfights people would pay per view to see!! Below is a pic I snapped of LL and her new background singers. It was DESTINY that brought them together.

more pics from Ball here
Friday, December 10
Welcome To The House of Fun!


- Me and The Thinker attended the WORLD premiere of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou last noche. We saw Billy Murray and Jeff Goldblum chillin' in the lobby and when I took a leak afterwards, Spike Lee was in my way when I wanted to use the sink. Anywho, while Mr Thought enjoyed the film, I was deeply disappointed and I think mos of you Wes Anderson whores will be too. There's a lot to like about it (esp Knockout Ned from City of God singing Bowie and the Adidas Zissou kicks), but I eggspect a lot more from Wes and Co. I could go on and on, but there's a time and place for that. Stay tuned.


On with the regular crapola!
- War of the Worlds and Willy Wonka teaser trailers! [via The I-Train]
- Britney has stinky feet.
- If there's ever a Hobbit movie directed by Peter J, the gang will all be back!
- Merry b-day to Meg White and her basoombas. Even if you are a robot.
- Peace the fork out Jerry Scoggins, you ballader of Jed Clampett and Texas tea!
- James Brown has prostate cancer. At least he's not living with a hernia. [via Fleaski]
- Man Charged With Sandwich Rage.
Sorry guys, I tried to stay away from All Things Lohan, but she juss makes too much news that's fit to mint.

- Lohan's parents follow her lead and head for a permanent splittsville.
- Fez muss have a thing for lip
- Lohan graces the cover of this week's EW. Next week I bet the national masturbation level rises 7 points above average.
- Lohan visits Opie & Anthony. And here's a pic of some dude smelling the chair she sat in. [via Alan J Pac-Man's Love Child]
- Enuff about her former Royal Hotness already! Anywhozitz, the picture below [via Spencer for Hire] makes me want to do two things: smoke a cigarette and bone her six ways from Tuesday. Have a killah weak end everyone!

Thursday, December 9
Missleanuslessness
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Good thing I aint talkin bout Her Royal Thighness the II!!
- AP: What is with peoples obsession with your breasts? Lohan: God. I dont know. Theyre real though. More here.
- Speaking of... A Dutch actress who posted x-rays of her boobs on her website to prove they are natural has been accused of breaking the law.
- Red Hook residents are growing weary about Field Day Fest 2005 cause of some incidents caused after the last big concert the city held in 2001. C'mon people, it's a good thing when condoms and syringes are found in children's sandboxes! Dem kids need to learn about the good life early on!
- I know they bow to the Queen, but to queens as well?
- For once, being a red state is a good thing! [via N Diana]
- Steve Hartman, 60 Minutes Wednesday's resident putz bag, usually delivers some of the wurstest slice of life and gripe stories known to man. I pray that when Andrew Rooney czechs out on us, they don't dare replace em with Cpt Lame-o. Anywho, I have to give the man some props (just this once!) for his piece about his father and the technology of today. Unfortunately, it worked much better as a video segment, than as a written piece.
- Anti-Bullying rubber bracelets. Not such a grand idea when the bully's are beating dem kids wearing em.
- Bobby Darin, the subject of Kevin Spacey's next joint, used to wear condoms on stage whilst he performed.
- Is any Ewok action figure ever worth $900? Even if it is a prototype?
- Man Allegedly Assaults Clerk With Burger.
- City Rag Doll stumbles upon the set of Spielberg's War of the Worlds in upstate NY.
- One of the firms maintaining the London Underground is being forced to buy spare parts on eBay cause the equipment is so old. EEEK!!
- Wanna keep yer sperm count high? Don't use a laptop!
- All things 37.
- Rock out!
- Peace the fork out Dimebag Darrell! Whoever the fork you was!
- Closer confirms what everyone already knows: Julia Roberts also looks like Falkor and that there aint no one in this world more beautifulistic than Natalie Portman. Full review on that and 3246,5,2689,03 other flicks forthcuming. Be patient. [via Grambsy]

Wednesday, December 8
Lohan Behold!
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- Jeremy Irons (Jeremy's Iron?), inspired by Paris Hilton, wants to make a sex tape.
- Paris, inspired by herself, has entitled her debut album Screwed. I'm sure her rendition of 'Fame' will be better than Bowie's.
- First lookage at Peter Jackson's King Kong here. [via G Fiddler]
- The Photo Booth Directory.
- Scientists add crabs to Chesapeake Bay in an attempt to regenerate the population. That's good news for Klauder's Krab Feast XIII.
- Baby Spice, aka Emma 'cute as a' Bunton , is set to conquer America. I mean, isn't it about time we started bringing back non us hotties to pop music and not these homegrown sideshows?
- John Lennon peaced the fork out 24 years ago today. FORK YOU Mark David Chapman! You gave nothing to the world, yet took so much away from it.
- The talentless twins, Joan & Melissa Rivers will once again be hitting up the red carpets, starting with the Golden Globes. Where's Mark David Chapman when you need him?!?!
- Ouch!
- Yesterday, I found out that I'm allergic to cockroaches and dust mites. And to make us all rest easier, millions of dust mites live in and around our beds. At least I aint allergic to cheeseburgers AND hot blondes.
- If Cuthy had a beard and was covered in microwaved gefilte fish, I'd probably still do her. It would also give me a good eggscuse to shave her. [pic via Tony's CPU]

Tuesday, December 7
Hanukkah Is The New Chanukah
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- Still looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? How bout this or this? [via Pure Boy/Karnov Fan Club Pres]
- Juss in case you missed it in the comments section, be sure and watch Cuthy Cuthbertensenjansen in the make-up chair AND talk about how lame her 24 character was! I cant bee leave she isn't on the upcoming season. I was so looking forward to seeing her being chased by giraffes!! [via Tony's CPU]
- Anytime Kornheiser uses 'Les Boulez' or 'LaSooz' in an article, most likely yer in for a treat.
- The fourth annual Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival is set for June 10 - 12, 2005. Time to start stocking up on patchouli!!!
- Dat's a whole lotta swizzle sticks!
- Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis to you too!
- The duet to end all duets: Damon Albarn and Dennis Hopper!?!?
- The reunion tour no one has been waiting for: Motley Crue
- Ferguson Named New Host 'Late Late Show'. Who? Robert Ferguson?
- Hilton's crotch. Beyonce's crotch. I don't think I'll ever look at microwaved tuna the same again. [via City Rag Doll]
- The Winner of the SAT tackles The F$#kability of The Golden Girls! Here's Part 1 & Part 2.
- Neue Yawkers, this bee a free screening worth screening: Hotel Rwanda.
- Police, help us! Someone stole our pot! [via Hoosier for Life]
- Lohan lip syncs. Lohan doesn't want to lip sync. Lohan likes using sinks.
- I mean, who doesn't want 'Thigh Master loves you' written on their M&Ms?
- Grammys shmammammays.
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- Things I Love About Japan, like Boong Ga Boong Ga. [via The Excrementalist]
- And did you ever wanted to look at a pictorial of someone giving a mouse an enema? Then go ahead you sick-o-path, click away! [via Boston Baked Beanhead]
Twosday's To Do List

Do Cuthbert

Eat corn

Monday, December 6
Monday Morning Nickelback
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- Andy Rooney is LORD: "Hammacher Schlemmer sells what they call a 'name doormat.' The one in the catalog has 'Smith' on it, but the idea is you get your own name put on it. That's a bad idea, isn't it? I don't want a doormat with people wiping their feet on my name. Some of the letters I get are bad enough. If someone gave me a doormat for Christmas, I'd rather have one with 'Smith' on it instead of 'Rooney.'"
- Popeyes is 2nd place LORD.
- After CRUSHING Elijah & the Giants, dem Redskins are BACK IN THE PLAYOFF HUNT!! Peace the fork out 49ers.
- What's an odder pairing than Bill Gates & Mischa Barton? How bout Paul Allen getting his doug jollies on with buxom baby Laura Harring, of Mulholland Drive fame... Btw, in the same article it mentions that Lohan drinks alcohol in bathrooms at restaurants.
- Don't look at this for too long.
- Magnapop, one of me mos flavorite bands of the early 90s, will finally be dropping a new LP on January 25th, entitled Mouthfeel. You can preview bits of it here.
- Stream the new Chemical Brothers song, 'Galvanize', featuring Q-Tip in Real or Winbows Mediar.
- Get yer Turin, Italy Winter Olympics 2006 tickets here. Women's curling tix will go fast!!
- What be yo Pimp Name? [via Fleaski]
- Cookiepuss' voice scares me... so does Tom Carvel's. [via J$$Bill]
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- When I grow up, I want to work for the Poon Design Group. I'll be Mr Poon's personal secretary, so I's can make him coffee and then ask him, Sugar, Mr Poon? [via TiVo Junkie]
- Meet Ulrich Haarbürste. On his website he likes to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. Ok, sure, whatever, well, nevermind. [via Can't Sit Stiller]
- And could this be the World's greatest 4 star hotel?
Sunday, December 5
Death To The Pixies
Reunion Tour...
Umcredible times a vazillion!

Here be the North American Tour Dates thus far:
Feb 8 - Puerto Rico - Coliseo De Puerto Rico
Feb 11 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Office Depot Center
Feb 12 - Tampa, FL - St. Pete Times Forum
Feb 13 - Jacksonville, FL - Jacksonville VM Arena
Feb 16 - Hidalgo, TX - Dodge Arena
Feb 17 - Austin, TX - PAC
Feb 19 - Dallas, TX - Nokia @ Grand Prairie
Feb 20 - Houston, TX - Toyota Center
Feb 22 - Mexico City, Mexico - National Auditorium
Feb 23 - Monterey Mexico - Arena Monterey
Feb 25 - San Diego, CA - San Diego Sports Arena
Feb 26 - Los Angeles, CA - Staples Center
March 2 - San Jose, CA - HP Pavilion
March 4 - Vancouver, BC - GM Place
March 5 - Spokane, WA - Spokane Opera House
March 7 - Calgary, AB - Saddledome
March 8 - Kelowna, BC - Prospera Place
March 9 - Seattle, WA - Everett Center
March 10 - Portland, OR - Rose Garden
March 12 - Salt Lake City, UT - Delta Center
March 13 - Las Vegas, NV - Hard Rock
March 16 - Denver, CO - Magness Arena
March 18 - Chicago, IL - Allstate
March 20 - Louisville, KY - The Palace Theater
March 22 - St. Paul, MN - Excel Center
March 23 - Moline, IL - Mark of the Quad
March 24 - Detroit, MI - The Palace
March 26 - Cincinnati, OH - Cincinnati Music Hall
March 28 - Columbus, OH - Veterans Memorial Aud.
March 29 - Cleveland, OH - CSU Convocational Center
March 30 - Verona, NY - Turning Stone Event Center
April 1 - Boston, MA - Agganis Arena
April 2 - Philadelphia, PA - The Spectrum
April 3 - Uncasville, CT - Mohegan Sun Casino
April 5 - Toronto, ON - ACC
April 6 - Montreal, QC - Bell Centre
April 8 - Fairfax,VA (D.C.) - Patriot Center
April 9 - Wilkes-Barre, PA - Wachovia Arena
April 10 - Atlantic City, NJ - Borgata Casino
April 13 - New York, NY - Madison Square Garden
Members of Duran Duran's fanclub can buy tickets on Wednesday Dec 8th and Thursday Dec 9th. Public sale via Ticketbastard is scheduled to begin for a number of the shows on December 11th. More info will be posted when available.
April cunt cum soon enuff. Until then, I'll be hungry like Scott Wolf... looking for his next big role!!

Saturday, December 4
Barton Think

And juss for shiz and giggles, here's some early Channananaukanankah gifs for you alls and Lou Rawls!


Friday, December 3
A December To Dismember


- I'm dropping Photoshop Phriday from the Friday bag of fun until they return to greatness.
Anywho, on with the other crap!!!
- James Bond to be played by a black man? Now what if Shaft was played by a white guy?
- Much to do about me flavorite band of the year, Los Fiery Furnaces: On January 11th they'll release EP, a ten-track compilation of U.K. singles (YUM!), they're also finishing off their next joint, a collaboration with their bubbe (grandmother for yous not in the know) called Garfield El (double YUM!), which may end up on a double-CD release this May with another joint, Speaking Chinese (Yummyyummigans!!!)!! [via Rolling Broke]
- The Pixies just announced their first prim and proper Boston date on their massive world tour: next Thursday, December 9 at the Avalon. I'm sure the home crowd appreciates the short notice. The band hasn't played BoSoxLand since they opened for U2 in '92! Tickets go on sale this Saturday at noon on PixiesMusic.com and Ticketbastard.
- K-nowl-ledge thyme: Did Vikings really have horns on their helmets? And twat the fork is a Nittany, a Hoosier, and a Sooner? [last 3 via Ask Yizzle]
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- Pick your nose and be proud like these people. [via Z to the mudder stickin de la Roachclip]
- Metal chick seeks metal men who love to party.
- Pee-Mail. Hopefully you won't be too pissed off...
- Bid on The Sports Almanac and Oh LaLa magazine from Back to the Future Part II or a bust of that fat and short creepy lady from Poltergeist. [via Navi the Blue Devil In A Blue Dress]
- If only this car commercial featuring a Transformerish car were fo real. [via Becker's Pecker]
- Latkepalooza. [via The Brawny Man]
- I think I have a phobia of men dressed as le nasty women in music videos. It all started in my youths when I first peeped that dude dressed like a chick who placed produce up her skirt from Jane's Addiction's 'Been Caught Stealin' video. Just thinking about that he-she-man always made me feel sick in a Clockwork Orange type way. And after observing this guy dressed up like a skanky ole scroongamunga from the Hidden Cameras' video for 'I Believe In The Good Of Life', methinks me scarred for life.
- And in closing, this has gots to be the greatestist site dedicated to a bearded man's eggsperance with cosmetic braces!!! [via Sanguine Fruit Chews]

Thursday, December 2
Pretty In Pink Parts
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- Tits rather sad that there'll won't be a Lord of The Bling flick in theaters this winter, but I think the extended special version of ROTK will help to pass the time... especially since 50 minutes have been added!!! Czech out this extended preview of the extended edition that helps my wang get extended. I mean, who knew that Faramir was such a mack daddy with my girl Miranda HOTto?
- I contact Wagamama once a year asking them to purty please open a branch in the US. And this year's response is much like year's past: "We do intend to go to the states but there are no official plans as we already have a very busy opening schedule this year." Boo URNS peoples! I need yer help, so please contact Wagamama and demand quality slurping noodles NOW! Btw, Noodles is lord!
- Jessica Simpson looking to Bjork for inspiration? Thats like Chef Boyardee looking to Wolfgang Puck for some helpful hints... then again, he can get some of those from Heloise.
- Cereal: The Bar AND Cafe! [via Made of Brawnsteeeen]
- ESPN: The Phone Service!
- Spaceballs: The Flamethrower!
- Is any Martini really worth $10,000? Or how bout any hooker? I meant snooker table.
- Add lava lamps to the growing list of unusual murderererers.
- Will this be The Breast Christmas Ever? I dunno, will it?
- The top 10 words of the year based on searches of Merriam-Webster Web sites be: 1. blog 2. incumbent 3. electoral 4. insurgent 5. hurricane 6. cicada 7. peloton 8. partisan 9. sovereignty and 10. defenestration. What? No love for heteroflexible or mobnoxious? [via Fleaski]
And here are three fine job ops for you...
- Wanna be the next member of the Gorillaz? Click here for more info.
- Wanna be that guy/girl who replaces that hot chick from Jeopardy!'s Clue Crew? Click here.
- Wanna be my
Wednesday, December 1
Mourning Mormon's Morning
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- The one and only MUSS CLICK pic of Spock awaits your virgin eyes. [via Nipsy & Tuck]
- I'm dying to get my hands on a pair of these Desperate Housewives oven mitts. I'm also foaming at the mouth to get my mitts all over Eva Longoria.
- The legend of Zubaz pants will never die. [via Andre Dawson's Love Child]
- It's Karate, Kid! The Musical [via DJ Hanicapper]
- Coldplay album due in March. Outkast in June?
- According to a survey, 'mother' is the mostest beautiful word in the English dictionary. Don't get me wrongs, me mumsy is the greatest thang in the world, but the finest word be 'titties'. [via New Trier Alma Matters]
- I have no friggin clue who Junior Kimbrough be, but the artists lined-up to pay tribute to him are fee-nominal: The Fiery Furnaces, Iggy and the Stooges, Spiritualized, The Black Keys, AND Blues Explosion with Elliott Smith!
- Speaking of the real FFs, their franztastic bassist, Toshi Yano will fill-in as the other FFs' bassist, as Bob Hardy recovers from having gas problems.
- This could be the most unwanted holiday gift since gold-plated umbilical cords.
- Yale rules. Harvard sucks. [via My Man Marvkus]
- Mandy Moore apparently is the cause of the Lohan/Fez splitsville. To get back at her former beau, Her Former Royal Thighness is looking to shack up with someone 'high profile'. No reason to beat around yer hairy bush love, why don't you just ask me to take you back? But I don't know if I should even bother chasing her around when her father's doing that to her already. And then there's this whole bidness she's got with her former boss, a real character with a higher profile and deeper pockets than a snooker table...
