Tuesday, December 28

Peace The Fork Out,
Once Again 

Author and activist Susan Sontag bit the big one this morning. Poor Thigh Master was so distraught he fought through his ganja induced haze to write me an email pleading for some sort of eulogy and for me to say something about how much he loved her dishwashers.

And correct he was to put in such a request because it is due to Ms. Sontag that we have all developed a taste for something like our dear thighswideshut. You see, as if she was planning for the arrival of the Thigh Master some fifteen years later, she introduced the concept of "so bad its good" in 1964. Without her we would have no term to describe the brilliance of Caddyshack 2. It's all "camp" baby.

Sadly she tainted her later years with idiotic tirades about how we belittled the 9/11 hijackers and how their gripes with the US justified their actions. But today since we are celebrating her life, well just knock that last one up to senility.

So the question that remains is; are we better off in a world with one less fundamentalist intellectual? Only time will tell.



Monday, December 27

Mourning of 1,001
Peace The Fork Outs 

First and foreskinmost, our first fork job goes out to homosexual people lover/sack machine, Reginald White

dude loved sacks and men
1961 to 2004

Instead of speaking on behalf of a man I hardly knew, I'll let Reg do all the talkin' here... from a lil speech he gave to the Wisconsin state legislature (that Mr Joe E Tata thankfully reminded me of):
When you look at the black race, black people are very gifted in what we call worship and celebration. A lot of us like to dance, and if you go to black churches, you see people jumping up and down, because they really get into it. White people were blessed with the gift of structure and organization. You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature and you know how to tap into money pretty much better than a lot of people do around the world. Hispanics are gifted in family structure. You can see a Hispanic person and they can put 20 or 30 people in one home. They were gifted in the family structure. When you look at the Asians, the Asian is very gifted in creation, creativity and inventions. If you go to Japan or any Asian country, they can turn a television into a watch. They're very creative. And you look at the Indians, they have been very gifted in the spirituality.
2nd and secondmostest, to les Redskins, who no longer grace the playoff race list. That's so friggin race-ist. We still love ya Gibbsy, and yes, even you Daniel Snyder. Keep spending.

3rd rockfromthesunest, to my eyeballs for peeping 5 movies since last Wednesday. Full reviews won't be posted until 2005, so here's a jist(ta-fy my love) of dem...

Fockers - not too funny, a lot of retread, and more 'Focker' jokes than one can handle in a two-hour span, but somehow still a highly entertaining piece of work.

Hotel Rwanda - one of the year's breastest. plain and simple.

Aviator - good, not great, but hey, beats Gangs of New York anyday. I'm a lil irate they didn't cover the last years of his life, which all of us want to see more than anything. Biggest shoe-in for Best Supporting Actress: Can you say Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn? Can you say CB be finest female actor in the bidness?

Lemony Snizzle's Series of Something or Others - one of the mostest beautiful looking movies I've ever seen. Right up there with Neverending Story, Princess Bride, Harry Pothead the III, or any Tim Burton jounks. Jim Carrey is sniztacular and although she's only like 6, I've got future dibs on Emily Browning. There's just something about fish-net sleeves that get me all eggcited.

Phantom of the Opera - well, at least the music was good, and looking at Jennifer Ellison was a nice.

and fourth and tenmostest, I'd live to peace the fork out myself, as I head to Jamaica with family Thighs. I'll try and post, but I may be too busy czeching out the scenery greenery. In the greenwich meantime, Mr Thought will kindly keep you posted. 2004 kinda blew, so I'll see you sukkah mcs in 2005. I loves you alls more than yule ever know. X's and Ho's, and in Cuthbert we lust and thrust...

well, she's gotta hide the hickey's somehow, right?

Sunday, December 26

Thighs Wide Music 2004 

Les Breastest Albums

groundbreaking goodness times 7 zillion
the ONLY gay music any straight person should listen towould have been numba 1 had i not gotten so sick of it
of course it would take the beatles to make jay-z listenable to my earsvertigo was a tease, but the rest is pure gold
every air album released will always grace my top tentalking never sounded so gooooder.e.m. doesnt make bad albums... yes, even monster ruleszz!
the real question is why hasnt everyone bought this albumbreaks the mormons arent cool stereotypehate to say i told u so, but this is better than their VVV disc
8 years overdue, but well worth the waitthe future sounds like the past... and thats a good thing!this fire is outta control!

1) The Fiery Furnaces - Blueberry Boat
2) The Hidden Cameras - Mississauga Goddam
3) Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
4) Jay-Z/Danger Mouse - The Grey Album
5) U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
6) Air - Talkie Walkie
7) The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free
8) R.E.M. - Around The Sun
7) The Zutons - Who Killed The Zutons
8) The Killers - Hot Fuss
10) The Hives - Tyrannosaurus Hives
11) The Prodigy - Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned
12) The Futureheads - The Futureheads
13) The Arcade Fire - Funeral

jack and meg who?

Les Mostest
Disappointing Albums


these boys need to grow upshould have been a picture book called 'Look'
great concept, not so great resultsmajor label, major dissapointment

Les Rockinestist Tunes
That Shook Me
Alls Knights Shlong


gawd only knows how many wet dreams this outfit gave me

- 'Alpha Beta Gaga' by Air
- Any Howard Dean 'Yeagh' Remix
- 'Be the Rain' by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
- 'C'mon C'mon' by The Von Bondies
- 'Cherry Blossom Girl' by Air
- 'Common People' by William Shatner & Joe Jackson
- 'Drama Queen (That Girl)' by Lindsay Lohan
- 'God Only Knows' by Mandy Moore & Michael Stipe
- 'Irish Blood, English Heart' by Morrissey
- 'Nappies' by Coldplay
- 'Our Lips Are Sealed' by Hilary & Haley Duff
- 'Pressure Point' by The Zutons
- 'Rumors' by Lindsay Lohan
- 'Staring At The Sun' by TV On The Radio
- 'Throw The Jew Down The Well' by Borat
- 'Two-timing Touch & Broken Bones' by The Hives
- 'Vertigo' by U2
- 'Year of the Rat' by Badly Drawn Boy

What about 2003?
Click away at our sister site!

Saturday, December 25

Is Christmas Over Yet? 


fugly girls make music

- Peace the fork out to former O's Skipper Johnny Oates. You and Mickey 'Fruit Loops' Tettleton were my early 90s heroes, besides Mr Ernst from Hey Dude.

- SEE HER FORMER ROYAL THIGHNESS PERFORM LIVE IN TIMES SQUARE FOR MTV'S NEW YEAR'S EVE BASH! LLski will Co-Host the MTV New Year's Eve Bash for 2005 AND perform LIVE OUTSIDE in Times Square. Wanna score free tix? Here's the deal: u must be in NYC during New Year's, be at least 16 years old, and email MTV.PRODUCTION.CASTING@MTVSTAFF.COM. Juss Type "LOHAN" in the subject line of your e-mail. Include: name, age, phone #, address & PICTURES (Include friend's info as well if you want them to be considered).

- Wanna see what a real list of the best movies of 2004 looks like? Well, yer gonna have to wait until 2005 for mine, but peep Film Comment's in the greenwich mean time. [via Big Bad Bogsworth]

- Wonder what Paris Hilton gives her friends for their b-days? Well, she gave her House of Wax (should be renamed House of Les Hotties) co-star Cuthy Cuthbertonson a bottle of her perfume and a signed copy of her book.

- Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas. [via Potbelly Eater #1]

- Homer Simpson to be killed and Ricky G/David Brent to pen an episode. Maybe there's still hope for the show. [via Fiddle Faddle]

- Bjork gets soaked in ice water. That's hot and I'm all wet meself just thinking about it.

- Cecil tackles the age ole question Was the swastika actually an old Native American symbol?

- The kiddies over at Double Viking are giving yer humble mumbler, the Thigh Master, a run for his money on movie reviews. Czech out their take on Almodovar's Bad Education.

- Blockbuster's online DVD service dropped its price to $14.99 for a full year. Netflix has no plan to match that price. Not only that, but this dude thinks in 2005 or 6, the two companies will merge. [all via Hacking Netflix]

- Arafat secretly funneled money into Bowlmor Lanes and now the company wants to return all the invested monies. Either way, this gives me a great eggscuse to never go there again. I mean, they charge and arm and a leg and a penis for bowling AND shoes and yet they don't even oil their frigadero lanes!!

- I've heard of camel toe, but Jamal toe?

- Air Passenger Gets Hefty Fine For Attempting To Smuggle Salami In Luggage. [via Sister Thighs]

- Could this 80's kid show featuring rainbows, playing with yer friend balls, and playing with a girl's maracas be for real? You be the judge. [via Mustard King of Cleveland]

- And me juss wanna pass along a huge Merry 2,004th b-day to Jesus. Thanks for making all of the world's athletes that much better. And on the 7th day, yer daddy created Cuthbert...

turn the page to see cuthbert do 69

Thursday, December 23

Egg Noggin 

they must be jewish
- Santa Claus scares kids: the photo album!

- Real World 16 is Austin, Tejas bound. I bet the cast will be Longhorny.

- Kate Bush to return!

- Women Allegedly Assault Man With Tongs

- The Infinite Cat Project.

- Mix dat shiitttttttt.

- Is Well Excuse Me Princess the new You're Man Now Dog? Hardly.

- Hubba Bubba is BACK! Was it ever gone?

Stay tuned for our picks for Albums and Singles of the year! And in the meantime think blonde, think Cuthbert.

life is beautiful... cuthbert is more beautifulererer
[pic via Dedicated to...]

Wednesday, December 22

Fez To Us
For The Rest of Us 

whoops, wrong fez
- Word has it that Her Former Royal Thighness and Fez are gettin it on again. Maybe he had second thoughts after her thighs slimmed down.

- The Spice Girls to reunite... for a baptism?!

- Scarlett Johansson, the next Queen of England?

- Somebody call in Will Smith, cause we're gonna need him to take down HUBO. 'Ah, hellllz no!'

- Speaking of Humanoids, Daft Punk will drop their third LP, Human After All, in March of Oh-Five!

- Fockers, so far 41% rotten.

- Inspired by Kanye West, The Archdukes want to make a hip-hop record. I'm sure this news will make Angelina's panties all wet.

- Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is a fine actor, but no one should ever play Elvis eggcept for Michael St. Gerard.

- On MTV2's Subterranean last week, Le Tigre hate on Limp Bizkit and love on LL. Click here for the vid.

- On Saturday, January 8th at 7:00 p.m. at the Directors’ Guild Theater, The Museum of the Moving Image will present a special screening of Sideways, followed by a discussion with stars Paul Giamatti, Virginia Madsen, and Thomas Haden Church. Tix are $18 for the public and $12 for Museum members. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, December 22 at 10:00 a.m. Call (718) 784-4520 to reserve yours now.

u know you've hit rock bottom when manute bol beats u in celebrity boxing
- Can you imagine having a baby that only weighed an 8.6 ounces? Or how bout giving birth to Refrigerator Perry, who entered the world at 13 1/2 pounds (btw, u can hire him for your next event)! I feel bad for my mumsy cause I popped out at 10 hefty lbs! My gynormus size inspired me papa to (unsuccessfully) get one of those 'Home of the Whopper' banners from Burger King. See, I was born fat and with fast food on the brain. Too bad BK has the world's wurstest fries!

- Nothing sez Merry Chrismukkah like a Nixon Bowling Bobblehead or Doggy Poo.

- Disneyland, the orgy [sorta NSFW via Metafilter]

Tuesday, December 21

Buffalo Bilsonofabitch 

What is one to do while waiting
in the cold for fresh O.C. eps?

Warm up to these babies!

carpet humping, the new carpet munching?

These two crazy/sexy/cool snaps
of Billy Bilson are enuff to
make me say, Mischa who?

wet thighs are always eazy on del eyes

Want more Biggty Bilson hotness?
Click away!

Where's The Shia LaBeouf? 

the only classic double she needs is her ta tas
- Osama bin Laden & Lindsay Lohan are the newly crowned Mr & Mrs Naughty 2004. Does this have anything to do with her love for Wendy's drive thru? Ahhhhh, a girl after my own heart... and farts. [last via The Fiddler]

- I can't stand Shia Le Blowsgoats, mainly cause he looks like a poophead, but I do love the name of this fansite: Shia LaBeouf Cake!

- Still shopping for gifts? Fark to the rescue!

- If you didn't catch SNL's chill-air-e-us 'Blue State Christmas Stop Motion Eggstravaganzazaza', Norm posted it here.

- Mike Nichols directs David Hyde Pierce, Tim Curry, and Hank Azaria in the stage production of Monty Python's SpamAlot. Is this enuff to lure me into the theater? Er, probably not.

- Harry Potter the VI goes on sale July 16th.

- How can this Phantom of the Opera flick be any good? Look at who's involved: Joel 'George Hamilton tanning school grad' Suckmaker, Emily 'I'm a scary and boring looking doll' Rossum, and Andrew Lllloyd Groper.

- Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video, Lego stizz-yle. Juss remember, the song doesn't start right away. [via Pak-Man]

- Ramsey to be Skins '05 starting QB. Why bother talking bout '05 when the Skins are still playoff bound in '04? Well, a boy can dream, can't he? UPDATE: Here's what needs to happen for the Skins to sneak in...

- And will Slovakians be able to control themselves at their local cinametoriaiums when they peep Her Royal Thighness The II's scrum-deli-umptious body in Sexbomba Odvedľa?

you could cook eggs on dem legs

Monday, December 20

Bearded Ham
On Whole Wheat 

look, we all smoke pot, but u dont have to go around looking like a jerkass!
- Carmen Sandiego is on the loose again, and this time she stole part of Ricky Williams' beard!! Cue Rockapella theme song and go get 'em gumshoes!

- Can someone please tell my why Time Magazine selects a Person of The Year and not Man of The Year? Don't get me wrong, I aint no sexist, cause I love nothing more than women and their thighs, but 'Person' juss sounds plain redonkeylous.

- Del Skins are somehow still in the thick of things for that final and pathetic Wild Card spot in the NFC.

- Tis official, that massive Coachella 2005 line-up, pure hogwash. What the fork is hogwash any way? Dirty bacon water? Someone please eggsplain.

- I have a bad feeling about Field Day Fest 2005... hispecially if someone named Blum Bump is involved.

- Due to popular de man, the Arcade Fire's Feb 1st Bowery show has been moved to Webster Hall. Additional tickets go on sale Monday @ noon here.

- Good Charlotte singer refuses to give Lohan's brother an autograph until she apologized to Hilary Duff for being such a bizatch and making more money than her.

- Ever wanted to see Tonya from Real World: Chitown in her birthday suit? Now be yer chance! [NSFWness via Zachk del Roachclip & H-Lister]

- Gorillaz.com, back in bidness!

- The video for the Chemical Brothers' latest tune, 'Galvanize', featuring Q-Tip, can be found here.

- People in France lover octopussessyses, hate McDonalds.

- Cure for snoring found! That's good news to anyone sleeping next to me... which would be NOBODY! Don't cry for me, I'm asexual, with a fetish for creamy female thighs.

- Some dude gets interviewed, pukes on desk. [via The Hater of Cubes]

- And finally, here's a picture of my face doing crazy things, during happier times, when a Polish girl gave me like 15 free Miller Lites, and my fantasy football squads were actually scoring points and not shitting the bed. Thanks Peyton, you deserved to be booed.
this was my audition headshot to be in jacob's ladder

Friday, December 17

Cropp, In The Name of Love 


the BLOW man group?


- Linda W. Cropp is the new Hitler. But maybe DC's better off without baseball anyway. That way I can go back to being a hater and the city can go back to being Skins Country.

- Oh crap, if I ever want to win Her Former Royal Thighness' heart back, I better get meself a car! I'm thinking she'd love to roll around town in a pimped-out LeCar. But she probably doesn't have time for me anymore since her debut album hit #4 on Billboard's chart! Wow? Who knew that so many Americans had such little taste! And many of you have sent this to me and I'm sure you've seen it all over the internets anywhoitz, but here u goes: Lohan Got Some Big Ole Tittties (NSFW).

- Lisa Marie to sell off Elvis' name and image for around 100mil. I'll sell my name and image for 50 bucks if anyone wants it. [via The Medicine Man]

- Paris 'too lazy' to have sex.

- Albarn & Coxon perform in the same place and the same night, but not together.

- Paul Mc may use a Les Paul, be he may also use Lee's Press On Nails too!

- Boo.

- And the first Oscar of 2005 goes to...

- After last week's touching piece, Steve Hartman has returned to lameland. The guy is like the Jimmy Fallon of news reporting.

- Tickets already on sale for The Twin Peaks Fest. With a few weddings next summer, I may have to wait til 2006.

- The eye in the sky is a perv. [via Sistah Sistah]

- Make McDonald's filet-o-fish right in yer own kitchen. Microwaved fish? Forking dissssssssgusting! [via Ask Yaz]

- I don't think my sister would have been able to live in any age prior to WWI. The stench would have killed her.

- Get yer 'I Heart Fags' ashtrays right here! [via Popbitch]

- For the last time, I DON'T want a Redskins Christmas stocking with John Smith's name on it. We broke up ages ago and you people juss won't let it die.

- And to close up shoppe for the day, I juss wanna say that despite all the hotties than inhabit The O.C. and my wet dreams, me thinks me mos flavorite character and actor on the show has gots to be Caleb/Alan Dale (not this Alan Dale). The dude owns and forks everything. Plus I'd bone any of his offspring and stepchildren (and maybe him too). Not only that but he looks like the lovechild of that ultra creepy guy from Beverly Hills Cop The I and that ultra creepy German dude named Udo. Anywho, can you bee-leave C-Love/Alan to the mutter fudging D once had hair? Here's the proof Ruth!

let me be yer sugar honey and u can be my daddy!

Thursday, December 16

My Very Late Homework Assignment 

Closer
With This & That Baby With No Face Running Thru My Head, I'm Never Having Sex Again!
View Trailer

who doesn’t like their meat a lil bit pink?
Men are such bastards and women are utter biznitches. And no movie in my recent memory banks exemplifies that statement better than this one, (mos def) one of the YEAR'S BREASTEST!! Starting with The Graduate and coming full circle with his latest joint Closer, Mike Nichols perfectly examines the complex nature of humans and our forked up relationships we have with one another. I felt the same sort of shame and guilt for Natalie Portman's character Alice as I did for Dustin Hoffman's Benjamin Braddock. And the two movies may be distant cousins in terms of plot, but the driving force behind both of them is in the actors' willingness to open up and pour out the emotions. Jude Law, in what must be his 17th film of the year, is eggceptional in the role of Dan, Portman's selfish lover who always has his eye out for greener pastures/bacon strips. But the real scene stealer here, besides Natalie's batty crease, is Clive Owen. He goes from being the world's happiest chap, to down in the shitters, to manipulating assjerk, all in less than two hours! Mr O made a huge splash in the lil '98 gem known as Croupier, but since had been starring in crap that no one saw AND whoring himself out to those Jerry Bruckheimeresque BMW mini-flicks. Well, hello world, wake up and smell the Clivemiester cause he has just arrived at A-list land!! You all OWE(n) him yer attention and yer paying monies at the box office. I'd also like to mention that I broke one of my two personal movie jihads in the process of vidying this DELI-icous film: never see a Julia Roberts movie. I mean, I had to see how it was possible for two men to be in the love with the same woman, even if she looks like Falkor! Did I mention Porty's batty crease?

Recommended for those who like: poll dancing hotties, large photographs, and Jude Law looking like a total prick.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike N's other 4 person relationship hell-a-thon, Carnal Knowledge.

Bad Education
Is This Is Bad, I'm Dying To See His Good Education!
View Trailer

men behavin badly
We are all very lucky that we live in the times of Pedro Almodóvar. It's like having our own French Wave, but without all the jump cuts, cigarette smoking, and French people. The man is a not a filmmaker, but an arteeeeest (not as in Ron Artest, mind you)! His films are large canvases in which he paints vividly colorful broad strokes of life slices... slices that include raping nurses, trannies, and all sorts of Spanish oddballs. The man loves men, but he loves the beauty of women even more. But in Bad Education, he leaves the ladies behind for a more personal and intimate look about childhood, baddie priests, and life as a filmmaker (or should that read arteeeeeeest?). Many compare this work to that of Hitchcock's thrillers and they're bloody right! Why you can't even appreciate the multi-layerednessness of the plot until hours after you left the theater. And to me, that’s the sign of a franztastic movie.

Recommended for those who like: man ass, man love, and priests who sing 'Moon River' to children.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hitch's mos eggsalad Vertigo.

The Motorcycle Diaries
Easy On The Eyes Rider
View Trailer

ride captain, ride!
If you were to see one Gael García Bernal (GGB, as I like to call em) film this winter, make it Bad Education. But if yer looking for him to keep his clothes on and not wear make-up, than this is the one for you! GGB plays Ernesto 'Che' Guevara in his free-wheelin' salad days, years before he got all guerrilla and became an icon that would later be used on a Rage Against The Machine t-shirt. Joining him on this sojourn is his best mustached friend, Alberto Granado. Together they go up and down South America searching for love and what their purpose in life is. After a lot of riding, boozing, and dancing, the two encounter the mistreatment of native Americans and also help some lepers. After these experiences, an epiphany strikes young Che, setting the path to his future and place in history. A beautiful film that only fails in one respect: you want to see where Che goes from there. I guess there's still hope for sequel, Motorcycle Diaries 2: Che Lets His Hair Down... then again it wasn't made in Hollywood.

Recommended for those who like: medical students, people with missing body parts, and hearing the words 'Machu Picchu'.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix El Norte.

A Very Long Engagement
Unfortunately, The Theater Engagements Probably Won't Last Long
View Trailer

audrey tautou you!
Like Almodóvar, Jean-Pierre Jeunet is an arteeest that we're lucky to have. If only America had such visionaries as these guys, we'd be in a lot better shape... unless David Fincher comes back from his nap with something good! JPJ doesn't explore our world, he lets us explore his. And for our benefit, it aint always the same world time and time again (Wes Anderson seems to inhabit only one world). Engagement's world deals in pre, during, and post WWI France, and the scenery is so pristine and gorgeous that you'd wish they sold post cards in the theater's lobby. Basically, this movie is worth seeing just for the production design alone! But there's much more here than just purty pictures! Like a tragic love story that ties all the characters together (many of them mustached). Think JPJ's own Amélie meets Kubey's Paths of Glory. And whiles yer at it, think yerself over to the theater and see this NOW!

Recommended for those who like: staring at Audrey Tattoo’s anime eyes, French mustaches, and seeing Jodie Foster (yes, that JF) getting boned!

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Paths of Glory fo sho!

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
Movie Overbored
View Trailer

sad to say, but this baby is lost at sea
Tsk, tsk, tsk Mr Anderson. This is how you follow-up yer melon collie and infinite sadness/greatness that is The Royal Tenenbaums? Did you conjure up this story whilst taking a dump? Well that’s how I sorta felt after I left the theater, dumped upon. Now I'm not saying this movie is shit, cause I still need to see it 173245123475 more times before coming to that conclusion, but c'mon, this is a step backwards, not forwards into yer (hopefully) long and tuck everlasting career. All the Wes Anderson touches and comforts that we all know and love are well in place: dysfunctional Salingeresque characters played by Hollywood's finest, his kitschy kitschy bon-bon style and design, killer soundtrack, and Bill Murray, but that’s basically all surface, and nothing underneath. Its like watching The Simpsons these days, where everything looks and feels familiar, but you know you've seen better from them before. One of my major gripes is that a lot of stuff 'happens', but basically nothing happens. You don't ever develop a relationship with the characters like you do in his previous films. You can't cause they're too busy showing you how cool the Zissou boat is or what the gang would look like if they were fighting Asian pirates (don't ask). Anywho, there is still much to love and appreciate as Anderson is our best hope for American cinema's future. I hispecially like how he cast Bud Cort (Harold of Harold and Maude) in a minor role, which felt like he was paying homage to the 70s movies that influenced him. But you know there's something just plain wrong when the only thing I thought about post-screening is where I can score some Team Zissou Adidas kicks (no luck so far)!

Recommended for those who like: City of God's Knockout Ned, Willem Dafoe kicking it German again, and topless women.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any of Wes' other works!

The Incredibles
Is It Too Late To Rename It The UMcredibles?
View Trailer

she's replaced jessica rabbit as my cartoon HJ partner
Within one group of reviews I broke both of my movie jihads. The second being seeing any cartoons (occupational hazard, don't want to talk about it). But boy o boy am I glad I laid down my rocket launchers and saw this! For those who love Brad Bird's The Iron Giant or never saw it, this is how animation and storytelling should be! You won't find any sappy animals being all sad and stizz cause their moms got shot by a hunter or any awful Nathan lane musical numbers here. What you will find is 100% fun fun fun (50% killer action, 40% Elastigirl hotness, and 10% Craig T Nelson!). That be so much fun, that yer daddy will take the t-bird away. This is the breastest American animated feature I've seen since Toy Story 2. Yep, green ogres don't do it for me. Neither do fish or the band Phish, so I pray they don't ever make a musical cartoon, or reform for that matter. I think Jamie Foxx's performance in Ray and this are locks for Oscar statuettes.

Recommended for those who like: Zorro masks, TV's Coach, and a movie that looks like but isn't Sky Captain And The World of Tomorrow.

Unsatisfied with this? You won't be, juss go and see it for Chisssssakes!

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Keeping Up With The Joneseses
View Trailer

hey, at least its not puck!
Many have trashed this film for just being more of the same Bridget Joneseseses hijinks, but isn't that eggzactly what we want in a sequel of this type? As my AP European History teacher once said, 'If it aint baroque, don't fix it.' And I'm glad they didn't. Pufferfish/Renee is back as tubby mcgee, but this time she's got the man, the always reserved/always charming Colin Firth, in her hands. But of course with Bridget, she overanalyzes and thinks Colin doesn't want her cause she's a pufferfish and his assistant is the uber-hot Jacinda from Real World: London! Embarrassing moments ensue, throw in some seduction from Hugh Grant, predictable ending occurs and dat's what I call pure entertainment folks! However, towards the end, the movie jumped the shark when Bridge lands in a Thai prison and sings 'Like A Virgin' with a bunch of 14(?)-year-old prostitutes!!! Oh the horror!!! Or should that read, oh the whorer!!!

Recommended for those who like: traveling, girls with puffy cheeks, and pig shit.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Love Actually.

Overnight
How NOT To Succeed In Bidness
View Trailer

look at me, i'm a jackass!!
How many of us will ever get our dream script sold or land a recording deal for or phat band? Probably none of us (eggcept you should hear the demos of my band the Hi-Hats, where the only instruments we play are hi-hat drums... we can even freestyle without the drums). So can you imagine landing both of those prizes in one shot? Well, that’s what really happened to Boston bean-head turned LA bartender Troy Duffy. Not only that but, he got Harvey Weinstein to throw in the bar that he worked for! Now you gotta be something special to be in that kinda position, eh? Well, problem is, Scruffy McDuffy lets it all go to his head and in turn divides his friends and becomes nemesis to Harvey and Mirabest. Not a good thing if you ever want to make it in del biz. This documentary that documents his minor ascent and heavy downfall is a muss c for anyone itching to get in the bidness. You may decide to give up on yer dream and go to law school. Good thing it wasn't in theaters long, cause this is mo suitable for the home entertainment system.

Recommended for those who like: Massholes, cocky mutherstickers from Boson, and Harvey haters.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Startup.com.

National Treasure
Our Founding Fathers Are Shitting In Their Graves
View Trailer

jerry SUCKheimer does it again!
Lame. Stoopid. Redonkeylous. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. When people see Ron Howard's adaptation of Da Da Vinci Code, they're gonna think that its such a rip-off of this Nic Cage gag-me-with-a-spoon-a-thon (actually, the script for Treasure was written well before Dan Brown's book). Too bad this movie is all fun and no brain, unlike Da Vinci which is tons of brain AND tons of fun. Please don't see this crap, unless you want to larf yer a$$ of at the lil things like Sean Bean/Borimir playing a good guy turned bad for the nth time or Harvey Keitel playing a police chief who wears denim shirts! Tripe on a stick! Stay away at all costs.

Recommended for those who like: really old documents, crap on a stick, Ben Franklin's good name being crapped on.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Indidna Jones and The Last Crusade, since its basically the same eggzact movie.

Till next time, the balcony is clothed!

Wednesday, December 15

Blathering Blatherskite 

something wicked this way cums
- Harry Pothead is too em-bare-assed of his younger self to watch the first film. I bet he prefers watching The Prisoner of Azkaban cause Hermione's ever-developing boobs make his broom stick straight up!

- Colin Fuzzybrows did NOT bone Lohan. I'm sure that makes Disney happy since they don't want her to get nekkid.

- Puffer face and Jacky W gone splittsville for good?

- Eagles coach Andy Reid's rules the world and all he gets is this lousy cake?

- 'Give me a weapon of mass affection...' Boy o boy indeed! [via Ceffle via Metafilter]

- Who will be Biography's person of the year? Tune in tonight @ 8pm EST. Honestly, it should be Lohanski. No one has had a year like she has... besides me and the many nip/boob slips we've seen.

- The Ring Two looks like a major boo. This just in, scissors AREN'T scary!

- Wanna dress like Ali G? Ya missed yer chances!

- Here be some vids to pass the time: Mariko Takahashi's Fitness Video and Ouch. [via Del Roachclip]

- And yes, someone out there actually wasted their time creating a url dissing Gizmoduck.

Tuesday, December 14

Munching Carpet Samples 

are those bacon strips that i smell in yer future?
- The O.C. juss upped the ante on its own uber-hotness: Marissa Barfon to embark on a thespian lesbian relationship with poor man's Jenna Jameson/Seth's crush, Olivia Wilde!!!! Good, maybe after the donuts bounce a few times, Jenna J Lite will get run over by a bus or get shot by the manager of The Arcade Fire at the Bait Shop! [via Seeking Iron-E]

- Speaking of slurping tuna tacos... Ellen DeGeneres has stolen Ringo Starr's step-daughter's lesbian lover! And for good reason, it's Portia de Rossi!

- Colin Farrell and Lindsay Lohan banging? Their children would have the creamiest of thighs and the nastiest of eyebrows.

- Google now has the ability to read your mind! [via Cubicle Hater]

- I thought I'd never live to see the day that Blockbuster dumps its late fees!

- Man breaks marathon record... on a treadmill! [via Mr Poon]

- Practice saying this before you order one: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper. [via the Erect Donkeys]

- X-Entertainment supplies grrrrrreat holiday adverts of ye olden thymes.

- Take your magnifying glass, and go burn stuff up! Sounds like a bad Limp Bizkit song, eh? [via Ciffle Ceffle Caviffle]

- On January 5th at the Museum del Moving Image, there will be a special screening of A Very Long Engagement, followed by a discussion with its director, Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Amelie, City of Lost Children). Call (718) 784-4520 for tickets ($18 public/$12 Museum members).

- Michelle's franztastic review of last week's ep of Desperate Housewives reminds me how lazy I've become. Anyone yearn for the days when I'd write 4 billion trillion (+ or - a trillion) words about Webster and Vanilla Ice instead of microwaved tunafish?

- Wanna be a Green Bay Packer shareholder? Well, yer probably too late, but here's the history of it.

- Surgeons remove 90 metal objects, including keys, screw drivers, and nails, from a 22-year-old's stomach!

- And since there hasn't been any Cuthy Cuthbertenson news for ages, I'm going to make some up: Cuthbert Admits That She Loves Thigh Master More Than Corn AND PORN!

porn on the cob?

Add ons...

- The Pixies definitely rock, but they are so borrrrrrrrring in concert. The fake trees they have holding the lights have more stage presence than they do. At least I still have the fond memories of their Coahcella performance... when I downed 15 chocolate-covered-frozen-banananananas.

- I'm back rockin Atkins and losing weight, so therefore I eat more MacDougals than Morgan Spurlock. Last nite after demolishing 3 double cheeseburgers, Megbot and I wondered what the buns tasted like without the meat. We tooks some bites (but no swallows) and they still taste just like a McDonald's burger. And I thinks to meself, what a wonderful world.

Monday, December 13

No Dave Butz About It 

whats next?  cat butt THE MOVIE?
- The biggest hit at the Thigh Master's family Channanaunaukah brunch besides the Latkes had to be Cat Butt Gum. Nothing sez Judaism more than chewable felines' anus. Anywho, Mumsy seemed to enjoy the lil thangs I got for her, and hopefully popsy will have the nerve to rock his Manischewitz® tee in public. On the receiving end, me was pretty happy to getz a new pair of 180s ear muffs and the $40 A Day book. Think these gifts blow? Oh yeah, well Hannaunankah does too! At least le fam del Thigh Master are Jamaica bound and gagged in a couple o weeks time! Thank Gawd AND the Maccabees!!

- The Golden Globes, the mostest pointless awardses, have announced their nominations. Still, it is a nice to see someone recognize the amazingness that is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

- A baby is born with no face (pussies need not click). [via Victor Newborski]

- Andy Rooney: CBS News Anchor?

- This guy can't be fo real. [via Z de la R]

- Last minute holiday shopping: Rocky statue or some Star Wars locks of hair. [via the I-Train]

- Carl's Jr to add a hamburger w/fried egg to their breakfast line-up. Will the bigger guns follow suit? But more importantly, when will MacDougal's start selling their hash browns all day? [via Made of Brawnsteeee]

- And the breastest headline I've read in awhile be: Lindsay Lohan's Huge Thighs Are Responsible For Her Weight Loss! Huge are not, in her thighs, we lust!!

Sunday, December 12

A to Zissou 

- Will the reel Steve Zissou please stand up. Seriously, there is a real person named Steve Zissou. And if yer last name happened to be Focker, you could have won a free vacation, aka a Focker Family Reunion, on behalf of Universal Pictures.

this is a harder search than searching for bobby fischer
- Also in the world of Zissou... My attempts at finding Team Zissou Adidas kicks have hit a bump in the rhode. The Life Aquatic site's store claims they offer said shoes, but have no more available. I have gone ahead and contacted Adidas to see if they have any, so stick around my Thighlettes!

- Did I mention that Zissou kinda sounds like Isuzu. And who the fork ever buys an Isuzu anymore? I mean, you know things are ruffer than a cats tongue when you gotta resurrect Joe Isuzu from his sarcophagus!

- One last Zissou thing... only cause I love using the word 'Zissou'... I'm willing to give the movie another go after being disappointed by my round 1 viewing. Maybe I'm missing something or I was juss too nervous during World Premiere screening cause I thought that Scott Rudin was going to eat me or buy the rights to my next bowel movement.

Non-Zissou related items start... NOW!!!

- Jeopardy!'s ratings plummet without Ken Jennings. DUH! Good, cause us Trebek groupies don't want you watching our umcredible show anymore anywayz anyhow anywho anywhere anythat anywhy and sometimes y. Switch off your brain and go back to watching Wheel of Boring.

- The monkey man himself, Ian Brown comes to town/Webster Hell on Saturday February 26. Eggspect him to throw out some Stone Roses jounks during the show. Tix are $30 and can be purchased here.

- Bored? Watch.

- Following up with a story reported months back, the Vermonster man who's home was overran by his herd of 300 goats just won permission to move them out of the state. I guess that means the poor old man will be forced to return to the old ways of gettin his doug jolleys on: masturbatin'.

- The Pasadena City College Courier (yes, one of the finest publications in all the world) claims that Stereogum is run by man named Steve Stereogum. Thats news to me, but maybe Steve is the new Scott. Anywho, Steve has recently gone Lohan CRAZY! Guess I'm out of a job, eh?

- Well I guess not, cause you know this is still yer one stop shop for all things Her Former Royal Thighness the I. Tweaking of... LL opens up about someone more troubled than her, her father: "I love my father very much, whatever he does. I don't respect what he's doing, but he's always been there for me and I love him. I don't do drugs and don't approve of drugs." Pish pah sweetits! That's not what you said when we were hitting our four foot bong and blowing lines off of prostitutes' breasts ala RoboCop! Anwyho, she took time out of her bizzy schedule of crying over pictures of Fez and blowing lines off of prostitutes' breasts ala RoboCop to make an appearance at Z100's Jingle Ball. Can you bee leave she was in the same building as Fez's new supposed love trAshlee Simpson AND rival Hilary Duff?!?!?! Now dem be some catfights people would pay per view to see!! Below is a pic I snapped of LL and her new background singers. It was DESTINY that brought them together.

bootyvicious!
more pics from Ball here

Friday, December 10

Welcome To The House of Fun! 


monkey in the middle?


- Me and The Thinker attended the WORLD premiere of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou last noche. We saw Billy Murray and Jeff Goldblum chillin' in the lobby and when I took a leak afterwards, Spike Lee was in my way when I wanted to use the sink. Anywho, while Mr Thought enjoyed the film, I was deeply disappointed and I think mos of you Wes Anderson whores will be too. There's a lot to like about it (esp Knockout Ned from City of God singing Bowie and the Adidas Zissou kicks), but I eggspect a lot more from Wes and Co. I could go on and on, but there's a time and place for that. Stay tuned.

what a genius this man is

all day i dream about team zissou

On with the regular crapola!

- War of the Worlds and Willy Wonka teaser trailers! [via The I-Train]

- Britney has stinky feet.

- If there's ever a Hobbit movie directed by Peter J, the gang will all be back!

- Merry b-day to Meg White and her basoombas. Even if you are a robot.

- Peace the fork out Jerry Scoggins, you ballader of Jed Clampett and Texas tea!

- James Brown has prostate cancer. At least he's not living with a hernia. [via Fleaski]

- Man Charged With Sandwich Rage.

Sorry guys, I tried to stay away from All Things Lohan, but she juss makes too much news that's fit to mint.

isn't it redonkeylous that she needs a ladder to climb atop my cock?

- Lohan's parents follow her lead and head for a permanent splittsville.

- Fez muss have a thing for lip suckers syncers. First he was banging Double L and now has his sights set on trAshlee Simps. Hey, someone warn Fabrice Morvan, of Milli Vanilli fame shame, before Wilmer starts humping his leg too!

- Lohan graces the cover of this week's EW. Next week I bet the national masturbation level rises 7 points above average.

- Lohan visits Opie & Anthony. And here's a pic of some dude smelling the chair she sat in. [via Alan J Pac-Man's Love Child]

- Enuff about her former Royal Hotness already! Anywhozitz, the picture below [via Spencer for Hire] makes me want to do two things: smoke a cigarette and bone her six ways from Tuesday. Have a killah weak end everyone!

put down that fag and smoke my cock

Thursday, December 9

Missleanuslessness 

H.I.P.: hump in peace
CUTHBERT DIED!!!!
Good thing I aint talkin bout Her Royal Thighness the II!!

- AP: What is with people’s obsession with your breasts? Lohan: God. I don’t know. They’re real though. More here.

- Speaking of... A Dutch actress who posted x-rays of her boobs on her website to prove they are natural has been accused of breaking the law.

- Red Hook residents are growing weary about Field Day Fest 2005 cause of some incidents caused after the last big concert the city held in 2001. C'mon people, it's a good thing when condoms and syringes are found in children's sandboxes! Dem kids need to learn about the good life early on!

- I know they bow to the Queen, but to queens as well?

- For once, being a red state is a good thing! [via N Diana]

- Steve Hartman, 60 Minutes Wednesday's resident putz bag, usually delivers some of the wurstest slice of life and gripe stories known to man. I pray that when Andrew Rooney czechs out on us, they don't dare replace em with Cpt Lame-o. Anywho, I have to give the man some props (just this once!) for his piece about his father and the technology of today. Unfortunately, it worked much better as a video segment, than as a written piece.

- Anti-Bullying rubber bracelets. Not such a grand idea when the bully's are beating dem kids wearing em.

- Bobby Darin, the subject of Kevin Spacey's next joint, used to wear condoms on stage whilst he performed.

- Is any Ewok action figure ever worth $900? Even if it is a prototype?

- Man Allegedly Assaults Clerk With Burger.

- City Rag Doll stumbles upon the set of Spielberg's War of the Worlds in upstate NY.

- One of the firms maintaining the London Underground is being forced to buy spare parts on eBay cause the equipment is so old. EEEK!!

- Wanna keep yer sperm count high? Don't use a laptop!

- All things 37.

- Rock out!

- Peace the fork out Dimebag Darrell! Whoever the fork you was!

- Closer confirms what everyone already knows: Julia Roberts also looks like Falkor and that there aint no one in this world more beautifulistic than Natalie Portman. Full review on that and 3246,5,2689,03 other flicks forthcuming. Be patient. [via Grambsy]

she'll look like she's 15 for the rest of her life

Wednesday, December 8

Lohan Behold! 

- Could this really be Lohan's black AMEX and driver's license? And is this really an email by the person who found dem items? Btw, besides the song 'Rumors', her debut album kinda blows. But maybe I should listen to it at least once w/out Jergen's and Kleenex in hand.

peter gallagher's eyebrows would not approve
- The Chrismukkah wars are heating up between Warner Bros (producers of The O.C.) and that poser in Montana who's ripping off the show. Either way, don't buy any of that crap... especially the CD that contains ZERO Channannananukah tunes or the Chrismukkah Yarmuclaus. So forking treyf (un-kosher).

- Jeremy Irons (Jeremy's Iron?), inspired by Paris Hilton, wants to make a sex tape.

- Paris, inspired by herself, has entitled her debut album Screwed. I'm sure her rendition of 'Fame' will be better than Bowie's.

- First lookage at Peter Jackson's King Kong here. [via G Fiddler]

- The Photo Booth Directory.

- Scientists add crabs to Chesapeake Bay in an attempt to regenerate the population. That's good news for Klauder's Krab Feast XIII.

- Baby Spice, aka Emma 'cute as a' Bunton , is set to conquer America. I mean, isn't it about time we started bringing back non us hotties to pop music and not these homegrown sideshows?

- John Lennon peaced the fork out 24 years ago today. FORK YOU Mark David Chapman! You gave nothing to the world, yet took so much away from it.

- The talentless twins, Joan & Melissa Rivers will once again be hitting up the red carpets, starting with the Golden Globes. Where's Mark David Chapman when you need him?!?!

- Ouch!

- Yesterday, I found out that I'm allergic to cockroaches and dust mites. And to make us all rest easier, millions of dust mites live in and around our beds. At least I aint allergic to cheeseburgers AND hot blondes.

- If Cuthy had a beard and was covered in microwaved gefilte fish, I'd probably still do her. It would also give me a good eggscuse to shave her. [pic via Tony's CPU]

despite what i said, dont even think of growing a beard!!

Tuesday, December 7

Hanukkah Is The New Chanukah 

what a broke ass holiday we jews get right near christmas!
- And in honor of the Festival of Boring: IU's Jews broke the Terps' Jews' 'whirled' record for twirling the most dreidels simultaneously. That still doesn't make up for the shalacking my hometown boys put on my alma mater! [via Navi]

- Still looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? How bout this or this? [via Pure Boy/Karnov Fan Club Pres]

- Juss in case you missed it in the comments section, be sure and watch Cuthy Cuthbertensenjansen in the make-up chair AND talk about how lame her 24 character was! I cant bee leave she isn't on the upcoming season. I was so looking forward to seeing her being chased by giraffes!! [via Tony's CPU]

- Anytime Kornheiser uses 'Les Boulez' or 'LaSooz' in an article, most likely yer in for a treat.

- The fourth annual Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival is set for June 10 - 12, 2005. Time to start stocking up on patchouli!!!

- Dat's a whole lotta swizzle sticks!

- Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis to you too!

- The duet to end all duets: Damon Albarn and Dennis Hopper!?!?

- The reunion tour no one has been waiting for: Motley Crue

- Ferguson Named New Host 'Late Late Show'. Who? Robert Ferguson?

- Hilton's crotch. Beyonce's crotch. I don't think I'll ever look at microwaved tuna the same again. [via City Rag Doll]

- The Winner of the SAT tackles The F$#kability of The Golden Girls! Here's Part 1 & Part 2.

- Neue Yawkers, this bee a free screening worth screening: Hotel Rwanda.

- Police, help us! Someone stole our pot! [via Hoosier for Life]

- Lohan lip syncs. Lohan doesn't want to lip sync. Lohan likes using sinks.

- I mean, who doesn't want 'Thigh Master loves you' written on their M&Ms?

- Grammys shmammammays.

BURN HOLLYWOOD, BURN!!!!
- I usually don't post any corrections, but one of our fine readers, Stephen Rossensen, pointed out two things that I neglected to mention in my brief rant about Vin Dizzle's latest joint: 1) it's blatant re-hash of Mr Nanny starring Hulk Hogan AND 2) it'll be a duel to the death for wurstest movie of the year along side The Son of The Mask.

- Things I Love About Japan, like Boong Ga Boong Ga. [via The Excrementalist]

- And did you ever wanted to look at a pictorial of someone giving a mouse an enema? Then go ahead you sick-o-path, click away! [via Boston Baked Beanhead]

Twosday's To Do List 

Buy Lohan album

speak to the ears, can the hand aint listening

Do Cuthbert

it'll be mine AND her pleasure to tackle this task!

Eat corn

don't tell ar atkins

Monday, December 6

Monday Morning Nickelback 

the kids have more hair than vin un-diesel
- Marc my words, The Pacifier, starring Vin Diesel as a Navy SEAL turned nanny, will be the wurstest movie of 2005. Be sure to watch the trailer. And is it me, or is this the same thang as The WB's Commando Nanny?

- Andy Rooney is LORD: "Hammacher Schlemmer sells what they call a 'name doormat.' The one in the catalog has 'Smith' on it, but the idea is you get your own name put on it. That's a bad idea, isn't it? I don't want a doormat with people wiping their feet on my name. Some of the letters I get are bad enough. If someone gave me a doormat for Christmas, I'd rather have one with 'Smith' on it instead of 'Rooney.'"

- Popeyes is 2nd place LORD.

- After CRUSHING Elijah & the Giants, dem Redskins are BACK IN THE PLAYOFF HUNT!! Peace the fork out 49ers.

- What's an odder pairing than Bill Gates & Mischa Barton? How bout Paul Allen getting his doug jollies on with buxom baby Laura Harring, of Mulholland Drive fame... Btw, in the same article it mentions that Lohan drinks alcohol in bathrooms at restaurants.

- Don't look at this for too long.

- Magnapop, one of me mos flavorite bands of the early 90s, will finally be dropping a new LP on January 25th, entitled Mouthfeel. You can preview bits of it here.

- Stream the new Chemical Brothers song, 'Galvanize', featuring Q-Tip in Real or Winbows Mediar.

- Get yer Turin, Italy Winter Olympics 2006 tickets here. Women's curling tix will go fast!!

- What be yo Pimp Name? [via Fleaski]

- Cookiepuss' voice scares me... so does Tom Carvel's. [via J$$Bill]

is this LL or terminator X?
- While Team Thighs is camped out to be the first to buy Lohan's debut album tomorrow, just be safe in the k-knowledge that "Lindsay doesn't smoke pot, she smokes cigarettes."

- When I grow up, I want to work for the Poon Design Group. I'll be Mr Poon's personal secretary, so I's can make him coffee and then ask him, Sugar, Mr Poon? [via TiVo Junkie]

- Meet Ulrich Haarbürste. On his website he likes to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. Ok, sure, whatever, well, nevermind. [via Can't Sit Stiller]

- And could this be the World's greatest 4 star hotel?

Sunday, December 5

Death To The Pixies
Reunion Tour... 

and life to...
DURAN DURAN'S REUNION TOUR!!
Umcredible times a vazillion!

bon, simon le bon

Here be the North American Tour Dates thus far:

Feb 8 - Puerto Rico - Coliseo De Puerto Rico
Feb 11 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Office Depot Center
Feb 12 - Tampa, FL - St. Pete Times Forum
Feb 13 - Jacksonville, FL - Jacksonville VM Arena
Feb 16 - Hidalgo, TX - Dodge Arena
Feb 17 - Austin, TX - PAC
Feb 19 - Dallas, TX - Nokia @ Grand Prairie
Feb 20 - Houston, TX - Toyota Center
Feb 22 - Mexico City, Mexico - National Auditorium
Feb 23 - Monterey Mexico - Arena Monterey
Feb 25 - San Diego, CA - San Diego Sports Arena
Feb 26 - Los Angeles, CA - Staples Center
March 2 - San Jose, CA - HP Pavilion
March 4 - Vancouver, BC - GM Place
March 5 - Spokane, WA - Spokane Opera House
March 7 - Calgary, AB - Saddledome
March 8 - Kelowna, BC - Prospera Place
March 9 - Seattle, WA - Everett Center
March 10 - Portland, OR - Rose Garden
March 12 - Salt Lake City, UT - Delta Center
March 13 - Las Vegas, NV - Hard Rock
March 16 - Denver, CO - Magness Arena
March 18 - Chicago, IL - Allstate
March 20 - Louisville, KY - The Palace Theater
March 22 - St. Paul, MN - Excel Center
March 23 - Moline, IL - Mark of the Quad
March 24 - Detroit, MI - The Palace
March 26 - Cincinnati, OH - Cincinnati Music Hall
March 28 - Columbus, OH - Veterans Memorial Aud.
March 29 - Cleveland, OH - CSU Convocational Center
March 30 - Verona, NY - Turning Stone Event Center
April 1 - Boston, MA - Agganis Arena
April 2 - Philadelphia, PA - The Spectrum
April 3 - Uncasville, CT - Mohegan Sun Casino
April 5 - Toronto, ON - ACC
April 6 - Montreal, QC - Bell Centre
April 8 - Fairfax,VA (D.C.) - Patriot Center
April 9 - Wilkes-Barre, PA - Wachovia Arena
April 10 - Atlantic City, NJ - Borgata Casino
April 13 - New York, NY - Madison Square Garden

Members of Duran Duran's fanclub can buy tickets on Wednesday Dec 8th and Thursday Dec 9th. Public sale via Ticketbastard is scheduled to begin for a number of the shows on December 11th. More info will be posted when available.

April cunt cum soon enuff. Until then, I'll be hungry like Scott Wolf... looking for his next big role!!

a view to a killer acting career

Saturday, December 4

Barton Think 

Let it be known for the record that methinks Mischa Barton is one of the mostest stunning & lovely beauties in all of the Land o' Thighs. However, after endless searching for snaps of her on the internets, I started to Barton Think otherwise. I mean, was she Bitched @ Swirth with Falkor from The Neverending Story or twat?

mischa, let me be your atreyu and ride you all night long

And juss for shiz and giggles, here's some early Channananaukanankah gifs for you alls and Lou Rawls!

fry rike an eagre
dork dork revolution

Friday, December 3

A December To Dismember 


how many of you play this game?  then again, how many of you read the alt text i place in the pics?

- I'm dropping Photoshop Phriday from the Friday bag of fun until they return to greatness.

Anywho, on with the other crap!!!

- James Bond to be played by a black man? Now what if Shaft was played by a white guy?

- Much to do about me flavorite band of the year, Los Fiery Furnaces: On January 11th they'll release EP, a ten-track compilation of U.K. singles (YUM!), they're also finishing off their next joint, a collaboration with their bubbe (grandmother for yous not in the know) called Garfield El (double YUM!), which may end up on a double-CD release this May with another joint, Speaking Chinese (Yummyyummigans!!!)!! [via Rolling Broke]

- The Pixies just announced their first prim and proper Boston date on their massive world tour: next Thursday, December 9 at the Avalon. I'm sure the home crowd appreciates the short notice. The band hasn't played BoSoxLand since they opened for U2 in '92! Tickets go on sale this Saturday at noon on PixiesMusic.com and Ticketbastard.

- K-nowl-ledge thyme: Did Vikings really have horns on their helmets? And twat the fork is a Nittany, a Hoosier, and a Sooner? [last 3 via Ask Yizzle]

notice something about all the woman me likey?  yeah, they're all hot
- Lisa Simpson wanted to marry a carrot. Well I want to marry The O.C. cause tit be the finestestestest show on the Fox network featuring Peter Gallagher's eyebrows. If life were truly good, eBay would stop offering lunch with has-beens and start selling a night between a Mischa Barton/Kelly Rowan sangwhich! [via The Gum/The Fid]

- Pick your nose and be proud like these people. [via Z to the mudder stickin de la Roachclip]

- Metal chick seeks metal men who love to party.

- Pee-Mail. Hopefully you won't be too pissed off...

- Bid on The Sports Almanac and Oh LaLa magazine from Back to the Future Part II or a bust of that fat and short creepy lady from Poltergeist. [via Navi the Blue Devil In A Blue Dress]

- If only this car commercial featuring a Transformerish car were fo real. [via Becker's Pecker]

- Latkepalooza. [via The Brawny Man]

- I think I have a phobia of men dressed as le nasty women in music videos. It all started in my youths when I first peeped that dude dressed like a chick who placed produce up her skirt from Jane's Addiction's 'Been Caught Stealin' video. Just thinking about that he-she-man always made me feel sick in a Clockwork Orange type way. And after observing this guy dressed up like a skanky ole scroongamunga from the Hidden Cameras' video for 'I Believe In The Good Of Life', methinks me scarred for life.

- And in closing, this has gots to be the greatestist site dedicated to a bearded man's eggsperance with cosmetic braces!!! [via Sanguine Fruit Chews]

brace yourselves!!!

Thursday, December 2

Pretty In Pink Parts 

i wonder what all those white stains on her jeans are?
Oh Cuthy Cutbertonson. What a wild time we had on yer B-day the other night, right? Remember when Stephen Dorff showed up and we couldn't stop talking about how umcredible he was in S.F.W.? Or how bout when we went home, got decked out in our birthday suits and went wiz-niz-wild on each other for 14 straight hours? Those Dirty Sanchezes, Kansas City Car Washes, Albuquerque Caber Tosses, and dem Iron Curtain Sirprizes were some of the breastest that me have ever been a part of. And how thoughtful of you to give me a gift on yer special day: dying yer hair back to the correct color. You deserve an even bigger night out doll face. First we'll hit up yer fav Popeyes, then we'll play in the ball bin at Chuck E Cheeseseses, and finally head home for even more dirty blonde action, whilst watching the Punky Brewster DVD collection that I bought you for yer B-day. Anywho, czech out these very uninterestinging snaps I took from the sha-bang. [via Central Villa]

- Tits rather sad that there'll won't be a Lord of The Bling flick in theaters this winter, but I think the extended special version of ROTK will help to pass the time... especially since 50 minutes have been added!!! Czech out this extended preview of the extended edition that helps my wang get extended. I mean, who knew that Faramir was such a mack daddy with my girl Miranda HOTto?

- I contact Wagamama once a year asking them to purty please open a branch in the US. And this year's response is much like year's past: "We do intend to go to the states but there are no official plans as we already have a very busy opening schedule this year." Boo URNS peoples! I need yer help, so please contact Wagamama and demand quality slurping noodles NOW! Btw, Noodles is lord!

- Jessica Simpson looking to Bjork for inspiration? Thats like Chef Boyardee looking to Wolfgang Puck for some helpful hints... then again, he can get some of those from Heloise.

- Cereal: The Bar AND Cafe! [via Made of Brawnsteeeen]

- ESPN: The Phone Service!

- Spaceballs: The Flamethrower!

- Is any Martini really worth $10,000? Or how bout any hooker? I meant snooker table.

- Add lava lamps to the growing list of unusual murderererers.

- Will this be The Breast Christmas Ever? I dunno, will it?

- The top 10 words of the year based on searches of Merriam-Webster Web sites be: 1. blog 2. incumbent 3. electoral 4. insurgent 5. hurricane 6. cicada 7. peloton 8. partisan 9. sovereignty and 10. defenestration. What? No love for heteroflexible or mobnoxious? [via Fleaski]

And here are three fine job ops for you...

- Wanna be the next member of the Gorillaz? Click here for more info.

- Wanna be that guy/girl who replaces that hot chick from Jeopardy!'s Clue Crew? Click here.

- Wanna be my bitch intern? Email me here.

Wednesday, December 1

Mourning Mormon's Morning 

i hear she drives a yugo, drinks shafta, and rocks a le bag bag
- Peace the fork out and good riddance to Ken Jennings/Cpt Bordempants and his 74-game winning streak. You LOST to a woman... with a haircut that most of our mother's had in the 80s.

- The one and only MUSS CLICK pic of Spock awaits your virgin eyes. [via Nipsy & Tuck]

- I'm dying to get my hands on a pair of these Desperate Housewives oven mitts. I'm also foaming at the mouth to get my mitts all over Eva Longoria.

- The legend of Zubaz pants will never die. [via Andre Dawson's Love Child]

- It's Karate, Kid! The Musical [via DJ Hanicapper]

- Coldplay album due in March. Outkast in June?

- According to a survey, 'mother' is the mostest beautiful word in the English dictionary. Don't get me wrongs, me mumsy is the greatest thang in the world, but the finest word be 'titties'. [via New Trier Alma Matters]

- I have no friggin clue who Junior Kimbrough be, but the artists lined-up to pay tribute to him are fee-nominal: The Fiery Furnaces, Iggy and the Stooges, Spiritualized, The Black Keys, AND Blues Explosion with Elliott Smith!

- Speaking of the real FFs, their franztastic bassist, Toshi Yano will fill-in as the other FFs' bassist, as Bob Hardy recovers from having gas problems.

- This could be the most unwanted holiday gift since gold-plated umbilical cords.

- Yale rules. Harvard sucks. [via My Man Marvkus]

- Mandy Moore apparently is the cause of the Lohan/Fez splitsville. To get back at her former beau, Her Former Royal Thighness is looking to shack up with someone 'high profile'. No reason to beat around yer hairy bush love, why don't you just ask me to take you back? But I don't know if I should even bother chasing her around when her father's doing that to her already. And then there's this whole bidness she's got with her former boss, a real character with a higher profile and deeper pockets than a snooker table...

how do you think she got to star in all dem disney films?  talent?

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