Monday, January 31
Looking For Mr. F.U.B.A.R.
- Peace the fork out F.U.B.A.R./ThatsJustNotRight.com??!?!?! Thanks for all the memories, mammories, letting me steal high quality images, and the spank material many have enjoyed. And I guess I can kiss that average of 3K+ peeps coming here each day goodbye since a ton of the referral links came via dem. I recommend all F.U.B.A.R.ers head on over to UseMyComputer for their source of hottie hottness.
- Lara Flynn Boyle was so desperate to join the Mile High Club on a flight from London to LA recently that she flashed her Twin Peaks at crew members and tried to jump into the bed of a stranger. And I ask you, what would have been more entertaining to watch unfold on a plane, LFB's flashdance or Peter Buck's yogurt throwing incident?
- Who knew that Sylvester Stallone was born deformed? I juss assumed he was run over by a car.
- Scramblin to find that purrrrfect Valentine's Day gift? Scramble no further, cause nothing sez I Heart You more than a painting of Steve Perry from Journey done up as Robocop or NSFW Japanese Anime dolls that poop. [via Ad Mich & Warner Sistahs]
- According to some bizatch neurologist/psychiatrist Her Royal Thighness the II, Cuthy-Cuthbert, is "strong-minded, ambitious and aggressive" because she likes whipped cream on her Tazo Chai Tea Latte. What he doesn't know is that she also loves smattering ounces of whipped cream all over her precious body for her King to lick off. What does that tell you about her Dr Jerkface?
- We all know Stereogum is a haven for good music info (and Lionel Richie clay head obsessions), but the comments section? It's one thing for Grambo to quote from it in his 'quote-a-matic' section, but The Boston Herald? Bloggah plizeassssssse.
- It's official, Andy Rooney's starting to lose it.
- It's official, I'm not heteroflexible, but very metroflexible. This past weekend I joined Mumsy & Sister Thigh Master at the gay/family confines of Rehoboth Beach, DE. Although I did opt out of the massage fest (due to my impending Eurotrip, sans Michelle Trachentehenbroke), I did indulge in a sophisticamactatted hour long pedicure. Any fellas, if you've never gotttten one, you owe it to yourself to gets one. I mean, do you want to clean your feet?
- The story of the week isn't Iraqi people voting, but A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. [via Gulf of Sonkin]
- Well, if that man hadn't peeeeed his way out of an avalanche, this spoon-shaped egg may have been the story of the week... hispecially since it's Bitched @ Swirth with the giant cock & balls sculpture from A Cockwork Orange.
- Speaking of Bitched @ Swirthnessness, My Man Marvkus spotted a poster at les Twerps' triumph over dem Yellow Jackets last night (DJ Strawbizzle who?) that displayed the ugly mugs of both Nappy Dyna & GT center Luke Schenscher. Enjoy!
| So, Who's Coming
In Their Pants With Me?
Sunday looks kinda busted, sans Fiery Furnaces, but I'll be too busy inhaling frozen chocolate covered bananas to even care.
Friday, January 28
O Say Can We OC
Some Girl On Girl
Stizz Already Or What?
- Well, what can I say, cept I had the 3rd largest reported case of blue balls known to man last night waiting AND waiting for Mischa Mishka and poorman's Jenna Jameson to do something to each other's firm and deliscumptious bodies. Instead, we got an overdose of that dreck noise people call Interpol, an almost reunion of Seth & Summer (oh how grand!), Caleb being a cold hearted snake (don't u dare look into his eyes!), and a well deserved week off from Julie Cooper's antics. Alas, it looks like next week's the one to watch, or will it be the one after that? Anywho, the pic above is from some future ep, so hand-holding is guranteed. Next step would be fingerbanging, then carpet munching, and finally, eggschanging friendship bracelets. That leaves plenty of time for you all to go and buy some Kleenex and Jergens. In the greenwichmeantime, if yer love jonesing for some Barton lezzie hisaction, peep this, which may result in some semi-(evan rachel)-wood. And if that doesn't do if for you, how bout czeching her out as the spokeshottie for, get this, Keds shoes! [girl on girl action via PradaShopNYC]
- Think my movie reviews are unintelligle? Boviously u haven't been reading Bandwagon Boy. Here's a slither from his Sideways review, 'Anyways the whole movie is just them going around drinking whine like girls and compaining! If I want to hear complaining I will stay home and the old ballandchain will do it all night and it wont cost me allmost twenty gotdamn dollers PLUS popcorn and jewjewbeats!'
- 'I couldn't bend in the way you're meant to bend' reveals Keira Knightley about why even after taking lap dancing lessons, she juss couldn't buddy hacket.
- Cream to reform for 4 shows only this May in London. Tix go on sale Monday.
- Interpol & Muse for Coachella? [via the board of ed]
- And for all you smelly or not smelly neo hippies out there, rejoice in the fact that Trey Anastasio, Benevento/Russo Duo feat. Mike Gordon, Mouse On Mars, Old Crow Medicine Show, and Tea Leaf Green have been added to Bonzooroo, TN.
- Can't wait til May or just don't care anymore like me? Then go ahead and read the title crawl from Star Wars: Ep III.
- Do you think Tom Welling (some say the world's greatest living actor) has the power to save Remy Zero? Not likely, the band decided to peace the fork out for good. [via ONTD]
- Why do I sneeze after every orgasm? Once again, Cecil explains it all.
- THE Elvis Cup
- These aren't your padre's dildos, but maybe your nun's. [via Tr3nt Lotts]
- And which US President recently had 'a mustache ride from a meth-fueled John Stossel' and hopes that you'alls will shove his 'Magna Carta up your motally moo ooh-jah boo radley roo'? Why none other than newly inaugurated Baron von Peabs. This is what is sounds like when duhvs cry.
- Have a grrrrrrrrrreat weekend kiddies and don't forget to play yer mos flavorite Friday game...
Thursday, January 27
Fill In The Jerri Blank
- Strangers With Candy: The Movie: The Website is finally up and running. And although the faces may have changed, the hassles are still the same! Me say WILL be the best movie of 2005. If you've never seen the series cause yer punk-arse doesn't have cable or cause you think Friends is a 'comedy', tits never too late to catch up bizsnatches.
- Kate Moss gives Pete Doherty his liberty(ine) via text message. I think it was dumb at first sight.
- Clive Owen be the favorite to play Bond. Thank gawd, cause I didn't really want to eat off the heads of Broccoli.
- Wanna be the next Ken Jennings? Without being a white bread summabizatch loser dorknutz single wife wielding Mormon? Then enter yer info here if yer gonna be in the following areas in Feb of the '05: Hotlanta, Chi-town, Houston, LA, Mad City Wisc, NYC, Phoenix, Tampa, Toronto, or DC.
- Jack Bauer to be killed? That's about as likely as Agent Driscoll getting a decent haircut.
- The Eels drop a 33 song double LP (world eggcited) this spring, with help from Tom Waits and REMer Peter Buck.
- Dubai bans The Darkness from wearing catsuits. What's the opposite of meow? Weom?
- Madonna sez no to David Brent. They way things are these days, that statement should be reversed.
- Did PTI kill the sports column? Hard to say, but there's no reason why Stephen A. Smith, Bob Ryan, and Dan Le Batard should constantly be on anyone's TV. [via Clevetown Mustard King]
- Who was the first ever victim of the Gatorade shower? I'll give u a hint, he's probably got tuna breath. [via Ask Y!]
- Did you hear, the LES is so 'over' and has become 'a bar mitzvah'. Right J?
 |
- Watch the WORLD'S WURST WEATHERMAN do his thang. [via The Fid-didler]
- Amanda Bynes + chocolate fight = click me. [via That IS Just Right]
- Want to help the poor? Buy an autographed photo from Tonya Harding. [via Newbsy]
- The Donkey Boner returns!
- Thieves Steal Sausages Instead of Cash
- Pimped out bicycles
- PostSecret
- Dionne Warwick's Cosmic Peephole
- And if yer in Tampa this weekend, you probably have already cleared your calendar for THE Wrestle Reunion, featuring the likes of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase, "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, Terry Funk, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Wendi Richter, and many many many many more. And by many more, I don't mean Mandy Moore, but just a shitload more wrastlers!! But for jizz and giggles, here's a pic of MM, who could have the world's greatestest cheeks... [wrastlin info via your Uncle Grambo, pic via Tony's CPU]
Pee es - Duke fans, give yer dildos a rest and take yer clever lil 'Cheer Sheets' and go shove em up yer broke a$$ arses!
Long Live Garyland
Terps 75 - Duke 66
Gawd I love this feeling...
Juss like last year!
[pic love via
The Truth About Duke
Fark's Coach K Photoshop Paradise
& my man, My Man Marvkus]
Wednesday, January 26
Sometimes I Feel Like
My Blog Is Poop
JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com
[via My Man Marvkus]
- It NEVER ends... count Coldplay and NIN are a go for Coatchecka!!
- UPDATE!!!! And according to this MTV.com report, you can offically pencil in Bloc Party, French Kicks, British Sea Power, and Ambulance LTD.
- Debbie Gibson's 34 year-old body will splash the pages of Playboy's March issue, which happens to coincide with the release of her new single 'Naked'. I Eggspect a lot of you peeps have been waiting to 'Shake Your Love', I mean beat off to her, for eons.
- On the other hand (I guess that would be yer non m-bating head), looks like we'll never see Keira Knightley's arse, ever. [via Oh No They Didn't]
- What's hot, sweaty, and comes in a three pack? This.
- That AMEX ad featuring Robert DeNiro is upsetting his fans. What, did his 'fans' forget about Godsend, Shark Tale, Analyze That, Showtime, and of course, The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle?
- Baby Spice busted her hymen by age 16, has never been in a threesome, was given a vibrator by Scary Spice, and once streaked down the hall of a Four Seasons Hotel. OK, lettuce all move on with our lives now...
- Don't cry, but Molly Weasley/Julie Walters got the axe from Goblet of Fire.
- Nobody does Cover Art Recipes better than the Fiddler. Actually, I think he's the only one who does it. Bless you.
- Want a second opinion for Oscar picks? Head to the Double V.
- Bikini-clad and drunk college students swimming in baby oil. Did you already drop a load in yer pants? Sorry, but I forgot to mention that they were Duke students. MRqjnfjbch2eyuck! [via Navi]
- Wanna attend a taping of Last Call w/Carson Douche Bag? Didn't think so, but you could see the Zutons, Tori Amos, The Music, or Kings of Leon if you did.
- The memoralizing of Johnny Carson never ends. Why Peabs has even joined in on the action: 'I know this may be in poor taste to speak ill of a man's cock size when he has recently passed; howevs, Peabs assures you that it [Carson's] doesn't taste nearly as poor as the queefing vaggie vag of your Aunt Mabel.'
- Huh? [via Dr Falada]
- Gawd I love sausages! [vid via Nipsy Newbsy]
- Before you're gay, you see The Hole.
- And to hell with Google's new Video search engine. I mean, this is all you get when you type 'elisha cuthbert'? That isn't Beta, that's bootleg, like Jerry Glanville's coaching style. I'll stick with Yahoo!'s video search engine, which actually netted some Cuthbert hotness. And by some, I mean links to video. Anywho, the internets have a long way to go before they are as perfect as Her Royal Thighness the II. In the meantime, go here to watch some choice clips of her that I found using neither of dem search engines, or just drool over the following pic...
Tuesday, January 25
The Last Word
(remember, the stuff in yellow
is something you should read,
hence it is in yellow)
[appeared in Ottawa Citizen via PTI]
30 Going On Postal
I demand a recount and a bean count! This is the biggest bamboozledment since Bush swindled the 2000 election AND the Spike Lee joint Bamboozled. You tellin me that out of the 250,000+ scumbag men that AskMen.com polled, they were able to find 29 hottier lizadies than Her Royal Thighness The II???? WHAT!RT$#!Y%H#$?@?#$ Don't get me wrong, I'd love to join the sorority that is Catherine-Zeta-Jones-Omega-Mu-Douglas, throw some Monica Bluecheese into a tossed salad, dock my long ship in Natalie's Port, man, and Knight Keira with my shlong, but some of these choices!@!#!$$ J Aniston, Becky Romijn O'Connell, Angelina Blowslee, or Selma Hemlich? Their 'ginas be more mad crustier than Rip Van Winkle's eyelids! Or how bout Lohanski? YUCK... she doesn't even look right with a cak in her mouth, let alone a Photoshopped one. Jennifer Garner? She's the kind of girl you play Connect Four with, not put on all fours. Let the debate continue, but be sure yous peep the list yoself. [thanks Skeeter & Druken StepPa for the heads up]
- If you didn't hear,
- Major congratulations to Grambo, Scottie, Fluxie, Deflowerher, and The Boy With the Large Heart (all personal flavs) for being nominated for 'Best Entertainment Weblog' at the 2005 Bloggies. Too bad you can't even vote for any of em cause the Bloggies have eggceeded their bandwidth. How ironic is that criz?!?! And thanks to none of you for voting me as 'Blogger Most Likely To Spend Time In Jail'...
- Peace the fork out C Subway Line!! Who said the homeless were good for nothing?
- Ben Stiller, Samuel L, Judith Law, and Kate Winslow are all game for Ricky G's latest creation Extras.
- Best Sundance starspotting of the week: garage attendant from Ferris Bueller's Day off.
- Ringo to STARR in a Stan Lee cartoon. Nowhere Man could not be reached for comment cause he was too busy making nowhere plans for nobody.
 |
- I think we all missed out on the cash cow that is selling Team Zissou Adidas shoes.
- Sick of using Orbuttz, Travelsuckity, and Exbrokia for yer travel needs? Peep Qixo for a change of pace. [via Chillary G Funk Era]
- Ever see a two-headed lamb? Ever seen a grown man nakkid?
- Finally, wanna join my Oscar Pool? 10 bones to enter and winner takes all!! There is no tiebreaker, so a tie will divvy the monies. To join is simple! Click here, make picks, join my group ('Thighs R Us', password is 'cuthbert'), and then email me with what yer entry name and then I'll give you an address to send in yer $10 entry fee. Good luck bizatches!!
Oscar le Noms
Welcome to one of El Thigh Master's most flavorite times of the year: Oscar Season. In my book, it's right up there with the Redskins, Elisha Cuthbert, Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, and Passover. So this is the first of many posts dedicated to the world's mos important awards. That's right, cause all other awards in compare-A$$-on are udderly meaningless. I mean, can you name who won the 1978 Nobel Peace Prize in any category? Didn't think so, but I Ladell Betts you knew that Annie Hall triumphed over Star Wars @ that year's ceremony. Anywhozitz, stay tuned for mucho hotness, like our Top Ten of 2004 + the 1st Annual Thighs Wide Movie Awards. And for the first time ever, I'm going to open up my Oscar Pool to the public!!! Details 4thcumming. In the meantime, after taking a super qwik glance at the noms, here's my predications for who WILL win, not SHOULD win. All in due thyme...
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Don Cheadle - HOTEL RWANDA
Johnny Depp - FINDING NEVERLAND
Leonardo DiCaprio - THE AVIATOR
Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Jamie Foxx - RAY
Winner: Foxxxxxxy brown
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Alan Alda - THE AVIATOR
Thomas Haden Church - SIDEWAYS
Jamie Foxx - COLLATERAL
Morgan Freeman - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Clive Owen - CLOSER
Winner: Dude from wings. I mean, Sidelays has to win something.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Annette Bening - BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandino Moreno - MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Imelda Staunton - VERA DRAKE
Hilary Swank - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Kate Winslet - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
Winner: How can anyone knock out the Next Karate Kid? I dunno, but I think Imelda may win in a HUGE upset.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Cate Blanchett - THE AVIATOR
Laura Linney - KINSEY
Virginia Madsen - SIDEWAYS
Sophie Okonedo - HOTEL RWANDA
Natalie Portman - CLOSER
Winner: Cate 'Wet' Blanket
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
THE INCREDIBLES
SHARK TALE
SHREK 2
Winner: Forking Shark Tale gets a nom? WHAT!@$R$%%^&&!! The Incs to the dome piece!!
ART DIRECTION
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
Winner: Lemony's Snizzle, edging out Shlong Engagement
CINEMATOGRAPHY
THE AVIATOR
HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
Winner: Howard Hughes: The Borefest
COSTUME DESIGN
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
RAY
TROY
Winner: Marty Scorcesese's Eyebrows
DIRECTING
THE AVIATOR
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS
VERA DRAKE
Winner: Dirty Harry
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
BORN INTO BROTHELS
THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL
SUPER SIZE ME
TUPAC: RESURRECTION
TWIST OF FAITH
Winner: Super Jizz Me
DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
AUTISM IS A WORLD
THE CHILDREN OF LENINGRADSKY
HARDWOOD
MIGHTY TIMES: THE CHILDREN'S MARCH
SISTER ROSE'S PASSION
Winner: whichever one is about the Holocaust or suffering
FILM EDITING
THE AVIATOR
COLLATERAL
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
Winner: zzzzzzzzzzz Aviatbore
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
AS IT IS IN HEAVEN
THE CHORUS
DOWNFALL
THE SEA INSIDE
YESTERDAY
Winner: Sea Inside, in a sympathy win for not being nominated for any other fizz. WTF????????
MAKEUP
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE SEA INSIDE
Winner: Lemony
MUSIC (SCORE)
FINDING NEVERLAND
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE VILLAGE
Winner: Jesus
MUSIC (SONG)
"Accidentally In Love" - SHREK 2
"Al Otro Lado Del Río" - THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
"Believe" - THE POLAR EXPRESS
"Learn To Be Lonely" - THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
"Look To Your Path (Vois Sur Ton Chemin)" - THE CHORUS
Winner: Phantom Poopie
BEST PICTURE
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS
Winner: Corey Dillon Dollar Baby
SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)
BIRTHDAY BOY
GOPHER BROKE
GUARD DOG
LORENZO
RYAN
Winner: er, um, uh, Lorenzo
SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)
EVERYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY MUST
LITTLE TERRORIST
7:35 IN THE MORNING
TWO CARS, ONE NIGHT
WASP
Winner: er, um, uh, Little Terrorist
SOUND EDITING
THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
SPIDER-MAN 2
Winner: The Incs
SOUND MIXING
THE AVIATOR
THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
RAY
SPIDER-MAN 2
Winner: Spidey 2
VISUAL EFFECTS
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
I, ROBOT
SPIDER-MAN 2
Winner: All deserve it, but Spidey 2
WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
BEFORE SUNSET
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
SIDEWAYS
Winner: Matt & Kevin Dillon Dollar Baby
WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)
THE AVIATOR
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
HOTEL RWANDA
THE INCREDIBLES
VERA DRAKE
Winner: Eternal. C'mom, Hollyweird, where's the love?
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Don Cheadle - HOTEL RWANDA
Johnny Depp - FINDING NEVERLAND
Leonardo DiCaprio - THE AVIATOR
Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Jamie Foxx - RAY
Winner: Foxxxxxxy brown
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Alan Alda - THE AVIATOR
Thomas Haden Church - SIDEWAYS
Jamie Foxx - COLLATERAL
Morgan Freeman - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Clive Owen - CLOSER
Winner: Dude from wings. I mean, Sidelays has to win something.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Annette Bening - BEING JULIA
Catalina Sandino Moreno - MARIA FULL OF GRACE
Imelda Staunton - VERA DRAKE
Hilary Swank - MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Kate Winslet - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
Winner: How can anyone knock out the Next Karate Kid? I dunno, but I think Imelda may win in a HUGE upset.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Cate Blanchett - THE AVIATOR
Laura Linney - KINSEY
Virginia Madsen - SIDEWAYS
Sophie Okonedo - HOTEL RWANDA
Natalie Portman - CLOSER
Winner: Cate 'Wet' Blanket
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
THE INCREDIBLES
SHARK TALE
SHREK 2
Winner: Forking Shark Tale gets a nom? WHAT!@$R$%%^&&!! The Incs to the dome piece!!
ART DIRECTION
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
Winner: Lemony's Snizzle, edging out Shlong Engagement
CINEMATOGRAPHY
THE AVIATOR
HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
Winner: Howard Hughes: The Borefest
COSTUME DESIGN
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
RAY
TROY
Winner: Marty Scorcesese's Eyebrows
DIRECTING
THE AVIATOR
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS
VERA DRAKE
Winner: Dirty Harry
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
BORN INTO BROTHELS
THE STORY OF THE WEEPING CAMEL
SUPER SIZE ME
TUPAC: RESURRECTION
TWIST OF FAITH
Winner: Super Jizz Me
DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
AUTISM IS A WORLD
THE CHILDREN OF LENINGRADSKY
HARDWOOD
MIGHTY TIMES: THE CHILDREN'S MARCH
SISTER ROSE'S PASSION
Winner: whichever one is about the Holocaust or suffering
FILM EDITING
THE AVIATOR
COLLATERAL
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
Winner: zzzzzzzzzzz Aviatbore
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
AS IT IS IN HEAVEN
THE CHORUS
DOWNFALL
THE SEA INSIDE
YESTERDAY
Winner: Sea Inside, in a sympathy win for not being nominated for any other fizz. WTF????????
MAKEUP
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE SEA INSIDE
Winner: Lemony
MUSIC (SCORE)
FINDING NEVERLAND
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
THE VILLAGE
Winner: Jesus
MUSIC (SONG)
"Accidentally In Love" - SHREK 2
"Al Otro Lado Del Río" - THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
"Believe" - THE POLAR EXPRESS
"Learn To Be Lonely" - THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
"Look To Your Path (Vois Sur Ton Chemin)" - THE CHORUS
Winner: Phantom Poopie
BEST PICTURE
THE AVIATOR
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
RAY
SIDEWAYS
Winner: Corey Dillon Dollar Baby
SHORT FILM (ANIMATED)
BIRTHDAY BOY
GOPHER BROKE
GUARD DOG
LORENZO
RYAN
Winner: er, um, uh, Lorenzo
SHORT FILM (LIVE ACTION)
EVERYTHING IN THIS COUNTRY MUST
LITTLE TERRORIST
7:35 IN THE MORNING
TWO CARS, ONE NIGHT
WASP
Winner: er, um, uh, Little Terrorist
SOUND EDITING
THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
SPIDER-MAN 2
Winner: The Incs
SOUND MIXING
THE AVIATOR
THE INCREDIBLES
THE POLAR EXPRESS
RAY
SPIDER-MAN 2
Winner: Spidey 2
VISUAL EFFECTS
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN
I, ROBOT
SPIDER-MAN 2
Winner: All deserve it, but Spidey 2
WRITING (ADAPTED SCREENPLAY)
BEFORE SUNSET
FINDING NEVERLAND
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
SIDEWAYS
Winner: Matt & Kevin Dillon Dollar Baby
WRITING (ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY)
THE AVIATOR
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
HOTEL RWANDA
THE INCREDIBLES
VERA DRAKE
Winner: Eternal. C'mom, Hollyweird, where's the love?
Monday, January 24
Head of The Cla$$
In the March issue of Hustler, they dare answer the question that's been on the mind of millions...
Click to see the head... without the head!
Click to see the head... without the head!
Barton The Interruption
Can you beeleaveski that Mischa Mishka and Bartjams turneth 19 today? She's so very fine, like Veryfine drinks, that she could pass for 29. I bet her favorite team is the SF 49ers. And she's so hot and licious that I'd even find time out of my busy schedule to 69 her. And she's so un-like her ugly dog brother Falkor, that she actually put the OH in Ohio. Did I mention that croquet never looked THIS good?
- What do you a buy a Chilean performance artist who's covering her naked body with raw meat? Hats of Meat, duhvs! By the lame, does anyone know whatever happened to HatsOfMeat.com?
- Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game HERE! [via Navi via BeantownSportsGuy]
- If Jamie Foxx doesn't win the Best Actor Oscar, Chris Rock is going to steal one ' from one of the sound or light people that win and give it to him.'
- Audrey Tautou possib on board for Opie's da Da Vinci Code. Look, I love the wide-eyed French femme, but is this going to make the movie too sugary and cutesy? Regardless, the only thing that would keep me from seeing it would be if they cast Vince Vaughn.
- Last week during the Inauguration festives, CBS shmaltz specialist Steve Hartman headed to DC in search of President Bush in the flesh. Along the way he petted an armadillo, sat on a cow, paid a visit and cash to a scalper, took in a Hilary Muff performance, and yes, finally caught a glimpse of The Double-U himself.
 |
- And whilst wees at-at it, why not take a peep at this video remix thingie about how messed up our gov'mint is. [via Juwanamaker]
- Five Things You Didn't Know About Natalie Portman, but really won't care to remember either!
- Is the world really ready for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo? Well, I know my dad is.
- Noel Gallagher hates Christmas.
- Nevada Judge Throws Out Lap-Dance Law
- Cuthbert pic w/NSFW see-thru top? Sounds too good to be true, cause it probably is... [via Clevetown Mustard King] Instead, how bout something so real, it'll make you wet your pants in a good way, like its twin pic did to you last go around...
U2 World Tour Deetz
All info below taken from U2.com.
NORTH AMERICA DATES AND TICKETING INFORMATION
March 28th San Diego, CA - Sports Arena
April 1st Anaheim, CA - Arrowhead Pond
April 5th Los Angeles, CA - Staples Center
April 9th San Jose, CA - HP Pavilion
April 14th Phoenix, AZ - Glendale Arena
April 20th Denver, CO - Pepsi Center
April 24th Seattle, WA - Key Arena
April 28th Vancouver, BC - General Motors Place
May 7th & May 9th Chicago, IL - United Center
May 14 Philadelphia, PA - Wachovia Center
May 17 & May 18 East Rutherford, NJ - Continental Airlines Arena
May 21 New York, NY - Madison Square Garden
May 24 & May 26 Boston, MA - Fleet Center
Tickets for performances in Boston, Chicago, Denver, Philadelphia and San Diego will go on sale this Saturday, January 29th.
Tickets for performances in Los Angeles, Anaheim and San Jose go on sale this Sunday, January 30th and tickets for New York and East Rutherford go on sale next Monday, January 31st. (All additional on sale dates will be announced in the next few weeks.)
Once again, U2 will offer General Admission floor tickets giving fans the best view in the house for the lowest ticket price. Reserved seat tickets in the stands will also be available. In North America, general admission floor tickets will be $49.50 (plus applicable service fees). Additional ticket prices will vary per market. There will be an 8 ticket limit per person with a maximum purchase of 2 general admission floor tickets.
EUROPEAN DATES AND TICKETING INFORMATION
June 10th Brussels - King Baudouin Stadium
June 12th Gelsenkirchen - Schalke Stadium
June 14th Manchester - City of Manchester Stadium
June 18th London - Twickenham Stadium
June 21st Glasgow - Hampden Park
June 24th Dublin - Croke Park
June 29th Cardiff - Millenium Stadium
2nd July Vienna - Ernst Happel Stadium
5th July Katowice - Slaski Stadium
7th July Berlin - Olympic Stadium
9th July Paris - Stade de France
11th July Zurich – Letzigrund Stadium
13th July Amsterdam – Arena
19th July Milan - San Siro
23rd July Rome - Olympic Stadium
27th July Oslo - Vallehovin Stadium
29th July Gothenburg - Ullevi Stadium
31st July Copenhagen - Parken
3rd August Munich - Olympic Stadium
5th August Nice - Parc des Sports Charles Ehrmann
7th August Barcelona – Camp Nou
9th August San Sebastian - Anoeta Stadium
11th August Madrid - Estadio Vicente Calderon
14th August Lisbon - Alvalade
Tickets for the UK shows go on sale at 9am Friday, January 28th; tickets for
Brussels go on sale Saturday, January 29th and tickets for Dublin go on sale on Friday 4th February. (All additional on sale dates will be announced in the coming weeks.)
Paid-up subscribers to U2.Com http://www.u2.com/subscribe can take
part in a presale of tour tickets which begins on Tuesday 25th January, four days ahead of the general onsale - they will receive an e-mail about this direct with booking information.
NORTH AMERICA DATES AND TICKETING INFORMATION
March 28th San Diego, CA - Sports Arena
April 1st Anaheim, CA - Arrowhead Pond
April 5th Los Angeles, CA - Staples Center
April 9th San Jose, CA - HP Pavilion
April 14th Phoenix, AZ - Glendale Arena
April 20th Denver, CO - Pepsi Center
April 24th Seattle, WA - Key Arena
April 28th Vancouver, BC - General Motors Place
May 7th & May 9th Chicago, IL - United Center
May 14 Philadelphia, PA - Wachovia Center
May 17 & May 18 East Rutherford, NJ - Continental Airlines Arena
May 21 New York, NY - Madison Square Garden
May 24 & May 26 Boston, MA - Fleet Center
Tickets for performances in Boston, Chicago, Denver, Philadelphia and San Diego will go on sale this Saturday, January 29th.
Tickets for performances in Los Angeles, Anaheim and San Jose go on sale this Sunday, January 30th and tickets for New York and East Rutherford go on sale next Monday, January 31st. (All additional on sale dates will be announced in the next few weeks.)
Once again, U2 will offer General Admission floor tickets giving fans the best view in the house for the lowest ticket price. Reserved seat tickets in the stands will also be available. In North America, general admission floor tickets will be $49.50 (plus applicable service fees). Additional ticket prices will vary per market. There will be an 8 ticket limit per person with a maximum purchase of 2 general admission floor tickets.
EUROPEAN DATES AND TICKETING INFORMATION
June 10th Brussels - King Baudouin Stadium
June 12th Gelsenkirchen - Schalke Stadium
June 14th Manchester - City of Manchester Stadium
June 18th London - Twickenham Stadium
June 21st Glasgow - Hampden Park
June 24th Dublin - Croke Park
June 29th Cardiff - Millenium Stadium
2nd July Vienna - Ernst Happel Stadium
5th July Katowice - Slaski Stadium
7th July Berlin - Olympic Stadium
9th July Paris - Stade de France
11th July Zurich – Letzigrund Stadium
13th July Amsterdam – Arena
19th July Milan - San Siro
23rd July Rome - Olympic Stadium
27th July Oslo - Vallehovin Stadium
29th July Gothenburg - Ullevi Stadium
31st July Copenhagen - Parken
3rd August Munich - Olympic Stadium
5th August Nice - Parc des Sports Charles Ehrmann
7th August Barcelona – Camp Nou
9th August San Sebastian - Anoeta Stadium
11th August Madrid - Estadio Vicente Calderon
14th August Lisbon - Alvalade
Tickets for the UK shows go on sale at 9am Friday, January 28th; tickets for
Brussels go on sale Saturday, January 29th and tickets for Dublin go on sale on Friday 4th February. (All additional on sale dates will be announced in the coming weeks.)
Paid-up subscribers to U2.Com http://www.u2.com/subscribe can take
part in a presale of tour tickets which begins on Tuesday 25th January, four days ahead of the general onsale - they will receive an e-mail about this direct with booking information.
Sunday, January 23
(T)Heeeeere'(wa)s Johnny!
1925 - 2005
And in honor of JC, how bout some Carnac the Magnificentnessness...
A: Ovaltine.And without you JC, none of this could have been possible...
Q: Describe Oprah Winfrey in High School
A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
A: Mount Baldi
Q: What did Yul Brenner's wife do on their wedding night?
say when you're
trying to kill
Olive Oyl
Meathead's cousin
getting a talkshow
Fletch's alimony problems solved
by the PCH Sweepstakes
'No, never, never.'
Friday, January 21
Standing On
The Verge of
Gettin' It On
Me peepholes, you have forspoken and spoked that you love spotting a drummer. Therefore it shall remain a part of your days and your nights, juss how we all wanted Charles to be in charge.
And now for a bunch of music criz before the real kniz fiz riz shiz:
- This was my flavorite site around this time last year, and it has quickly recaptured my love once again. Bless you Ms Burned By and yer ultimate page of pre-Coachella goodness!
- Speaking of, looks like you can count The Archdukes/The Other FFs in, and probably U2, although we'll have to wait until Monday when the announce the full details of the World Tour, which begins in late March, Chargers style.
UPPPPPDATE: How does Coachella with Jay-Z, Lincoln Park, Garbage, Bjork, Prince, Smiths sound???!!!??!?!? Go to ProductPops for more scoopage/rumorage!!
- Charlatans UK frontman Tim Burgess will be guest DJing at Don Hill's Saturday the 29th. It was also double as a semi-release party for the Chemical Bros' latest Push The Button.
- Dreskin, Field Day, the environment, permits. Sounds like 2003 all over again.
- Next Tuesday, Ted Leo + many a special guests will be playing a very special benefit show at Rothko. More info here.
Back to your regularlaly scheduled linkgramming...
- You may have seen that pic of Lohan spitting floating round the net, which is actually an outtake from the Mean Girls DVD, but I bet ewes haven't with the mos perfect caption. Or how bout in animated gif form, made by the great Mr Shane-Shane?!
- The cage match the world's all been waiting for: ex-Redskin shitbum Michael Westbrook VS ex-Giant-turned-sorta-actor Jarrod Bunch! I hear the winner gets to fight Manute Bol! [via My Man Marvkus]
- File under gifts for Siamese twins: The SMITTEN Mitten. [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- The lovely Louvre will open its doors and glass pyramids to Opie and his film version of da Da Vinci Code.
- I meant to post this yestershizz, but peep Roller Girl's Jenna Bush vs Jenna Jameson thingamajig.
- Much belated congrats to JP H-Lister for his D.I.Y. Zissou Adidas Kicks making the pages of USA Today.
- Artistic Tanks... not the kind that blow up things.
- She F%#king Mars.
- And FINALLY, I found some pre-release hotness of Her Royal Thighness the II's (Cuthy Cuthbert for those of you WHO ARE REsTARTED) next joint, House of Wax, which will probably end up being as un-umcredible as her last flick, Dick Tease: The Movie. Apparently she had a reason for dying her scumdeliumptious blond hair... so she could get all dirty and nasty and rub up against that Tween heartthrob Chad Michael Murray, who has also co-starrred alongside such on their way out hotties as LLski and Hildawgo Muff. [pics via JoBlo]
And now for a bunch of music criz before the real kniz fiz riz shiz:
- This was my flavorite site around this time last year, and it has quickly recaptured my love once again. Bless you Ms Burned By and yer ultimate page of pre-Coachella goodness!
- Speaking of, looks like you can count The Archdukes/The Other FFs in, and probably U2, although we'll have to wait until Monday when the announce the full details of the World Tour, which begins in late March, Chargers style.
UPPPPPDATE: How does Coachella with Jay-Z, Lincoln Park, Garbage, Bjork, Prince, Smiths sound???!!!??!?!? Go to ProductPops for more scoopage/rumorage!!
- Charlatans UK frontman Tim Burgess will be guest DJing at Don Hill's Saturday the 29th. It was also double as a semi-release party for the Chemical Bros' latest Push The Button.
- Dreskin, Field Day, the environment, permits. Sounds like 2003 all over again.
- Next Tuesday, Ted Leo + many a special guests will be playing a very special benefit show at Rothko. More info here.
Back to your regularlaly scheduled linkgramming...
- You may have seen that pic of Lohan spitting floating round the net, which is actually an outtake from the Mean Girls DVD, but I bet ewes haven't with the mos perfect caption. Or how bout in animated gif form, made by the great Mr Shane-Shane?!
- The cage match the world's all been waiting for: ex-Redskin shitbum Michael Westbrook VS ex-Giant-turned-sorta-actor Jarrod Bunch! I hear the winner gets to fight Manute Bol! [via My Man Marvkus]
- File under gifts for Siamese twins: The SMITTEN Mitten. [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- The lovely Louvre will open its doors and glass pyramids to Opie and his film version of da Da Vinci Code.
- I meant to post this yestershizz, but peep Roller Girl's Jenna Bush vs Jenna Jameson thingamajig.
- Much belated congrats to JP H-Lister for his D.I.Y. Zissou Adidas Kicks making the pages of USA Today.
- Artistic Tanks... not the kind that blow up things.
- She F%#king Mars.
- And FINALLY, I found some pre-release hotness of Her Royal Thighness the II's (Cuthy Cuthbert for those of you WHO ARE REsTARTED) next joint, House of Wax, which will probably end up being as un-umcredible as her last flick, Dick Tease: The Movie. Apparently she had a reason for dying her scumdeliumptious blond hair... so she could get all dirty and nasty and rub up against that Tween heartthrob Chad Michael Murray, who has also co-starrred alongside such on their way out hotties as LLski and Hildawgo Muff. [pics via JoBlo]
Thursday, January 20
Why Can't It Be Next
Thursday Tomorrow?
So tell me, why haven't you
been watching The O.C.?
UPDATE: Watch this clip from last nite's episode to see where Mischa's decent to the dark side of the furry cup all sorta began the beguine. [via Tony & His CPU]
Second Cummings
 |
- Guess where I'll be May 22nd? At GW's graduation to hear commencement speaker Andy Rooney. Great idea Colonials. He'll really inspire them kids to do great things, like hate paper clips and they way people drive.
- Guess where I won't be ever? Lil Kim's clam bake. Microwaved tunafish nastinessness!!! [totally NSFWness via Pink Parts]
- Move over BK, cause this woman's vagina is the real home of the whopper.
- Happy belated b-day to Mumsy ThighMaster (don't worry, I called her yesterday). And a merry 35th b-day to Skeet Ulrich. The coolest thing about u is when Chris Rock introduced Johnny Depp as 'a richman's Skeet Ulrich'.
- In the Gawd Help Us All department... David Brent signs on for Mission Impossible III, there's gonna be a Spaceballs: The Cartoon, and a pastability of Taxi Driver II!?!?! Yuckerkarkq^iab#h$yikes!! Lettuce all pray they aint thinking about making Taxi II. [2nd link via Brad Foreskin and 3rd via The Fid Diddler]
- I love that I'm huge in Norway and StereoScizzle is bigger there than Jesus AND IMDB!!
- Is Kaylee DeFer the new Jessica Alba? I dunno, maybe we'll need a rear view like this before making such a call.
- Todd Phillips apparently left the Borat movie because he's a patriotic pu$$y.
- Chewbacca and Princess Leia, like you've never seen them before.
- Few things beat the whole burning sensation one's testes acquire after teabagging Bilbo Baggins with some eggnog raggin flaggins. Is it safe to say that Peabs is our generation's ee cummingsonmyface? Bozzle!
- Ooops, I did it again. But this time it was my stalking of the other Spears, J-L stizz, that put me behind bars. Damn you Trent and all your fingers that be firmly on the pulse.
- Finally, Mischa who?
UPDATE: Fiery Furnaces are a GO for Coachella!! For the love of funnel cakes, please don't place them in a smelly tent!!
The Don't Read
In One Sitting
Movie Reviews
Part Turk 182
Sorry for the long deli-lay folks, but writing these things are a pain in my hairy arse. Then why do I bother? So you all stop seeing Fat Albert and start seeing some real friggidy movies for a change. Plus, I'm more fried than Kentucky chicken that in 3 months time I'll have forgotten I even saw any of them in the 1st place. In haddition, how can I come up with a Top 10 List of 2004 Flicks without reviewing them first? Speaking of, all I have left to see from the strong crop of '04ers is House of Flying Dizzles. Once viddyied, the list will be unveiled. Got it? Anywho, on to the revues... sorry if they stink like my grundle!
The Sea Inside
Sea Worthy For Land Lubbers
View Trailer
The sign of a great movie in my book lies in its ability to make Senor Thigh Master cry my lil heteroflexible eyes out. And judging by the tears running down my cheek and the whimpering like a lil bizatch I emoted, I'd say that this is one great, gr8, cheese grater of a film. And since it's so grrrrrrrrreat (Tony The Tiger speak) me can’t even fathom why it's only playing in ONE WHOLE FRIGADERO THEATER IN NEW FIZZING YORK!!! Anywho, of course it's gonna be a grand slam when the story revolves around the true story of a paraplegic Spaniard, Ramon Sampedro, who had fought for over twenty years for the right to end his life via youth in Africa euthanasia. It also doesn't hurt when it's directed by wunder-kind Alejandro Amenábar of The Others and Abre Los Ojos Javier Bardem stars as the aforementioned Sampedro and with the added on weight, bald head, and lack of movement, you can no longer picture the hot tamale that he is in real life. Although Samperdo couldn't wait to end his dreary eggsitance, he inspired those around him to live. It was such a classic line when he so brilliantly explains why he smiles to a puzzled friend, 'When you can’t escape and you depend on others so much, you learn to cry by smiling.' And the audience can't help but smile and cry. This is one of the most heartwarming pieces of 2004's cinema roster, and in my book that just enough to probably name it the one to rule them all.
Recommended for those who like: Spanish geography/topography, Mike Utley, and imagining what hotness Javier Bardem would look like when he's 67.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Whale Rider.
Hotel Rwanda
This Isn't Your Father's Ramada
View Trailer
In a year of career performances by other actors, Don Cheadle doesn't even bother giving us one in Hotel Rwanda. Why? Well, every time he shows up for work he's gonna give us 100% of his umazing abilities, even when he co-stars in such tripe on a stick as Rush Hour 2 and anything by Steven Nerdebergh. The role of real life hotel manager Paul Rusesabagina was rumored to be Denzel's or Will Smith's to lose, but luckily for us, it went to Donnie C. Denzel's too huge to fill the shoes and Will Smith in my book is a laffable actor... hispecially in a drama. Regardless of how off the meat rack Cheadle's performance is, this flick is MUSS CEE cause of the umcredible story about Rusesabagina's struggle to protect his family, and indirectly many of his fellow countrymen from the Hutu's genocide of the Tutsis. Not only that, but it opens our virgin American's eyes to the fact that while we all hate these atrocities, our government and the world at large are always apprehensive about helping out. Yeah, you actually learn by watching this movie. And you'll also cry. Did someone say breastest movie of the year? We'll SEA about that!
Recommended for those who like: human rights, clothed African women, and Nick Nolte drinking, but not getting this drunk.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Gods Must Be Crazy.
Million Dollar Baby
If A Picture Is Worth A Thousands Words, Than This Picture Is Worth A Million of Em
View Trailer
The mos perplexing part of reviewing this film is not giving away too much of the plot. Don't worry, I won't. As you may have heard, this aint no straight forward boxing movie ala Rocky IV or The Great White Hype, but more about the human haspects of hactually being a boxer... READ: this shizz is more brains than brawn. I mean, lock Clint Eazy-Eastwood, Morgan Freebird, and Hillary Skank in a room with only a piece of gum and twenty minutes later they'll MacGyver that sh#t into an Oscar contender. What an actor's showcase this truly is. All three of them shine like Mischa B's perfect skin. I hate boxing and even I was down for the count. Gawd, how awful are these puns and clichés that I use?
Recommended for those who like: Clint, Morgan, and Mrs Chad Lowe.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Next Karate Kid.
The Woodsman
Kevin Bacon Molests Kids? Again?
View Trailer
Can you hear the sizzle? That's Kevin BACON handing in one of his career's breastest performances to date as a recently released from prison pedophile. And the pork strip man hardly even says a word in the whole shabang! The movie's central theme is will he or won't he revert back to his old ways of being yer Wicked Uncle Ernie. Bacon's trying to change his ways and means, but he still has that inkling in his fingers and pants. And as with every ex-con returns to society story, all of his friends and family have abandoned him and he's having trouble fitting in. Enter Bacon's bride, Kyra Sedgwick, who sees something in him and proceeds to bang him. Soon she learns of his ex-sexploits and yet she still sticks around cause she knows that he's worth the bang. But is the movie worth seeing? Well, lettuce juss say you'll get a bang for you buck.
Recommended for those who like: Kyra Sedgwick noxious lips, Kyra Sedgwick's knockout nips, or the brief resurrection of David Alan Grier's career.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other child-molester-feel-good hit of the past 5 years L.I.E..
The Merchant of Venice
Jew Won't Bee Leave How Good Pacino Is
View Trailer
Editor's note: I have never read this play and knew nothing about it cept there was some Jewish character named Shylock in it. Editor's review: yo, if Shakespeare had been mo slammin and controversial like he is here, more high school students would have dug his plizzy-plays. And the finest superlative I can dub to this movie is that said high school students should count their lucky stars that this screen adaptation was made so they don't have to bother reading the play and can juss rent it instead. Did I mention that normally uber-duber-annoying actors like Pacino, Jeremy Irons (where have u been my lovely), and Joe Fiennes all rock the gondola in this? Yes, Pacino actually acts like a human in the movie and not a jerk-a$$ who screams for no reason (see Heat). The same can't be said of that annoying guy in Love Actually who bags American chicks including Her Royal Thighness The II. But we should all keep our eyes on the thighs of up and cumin' actress, Lynn Collins, who played Portia. I'd love to drive that big boned car!
Recommended for those who like: women with mustaches, Gareth from The Office, and pansy-arsed Shakespeare stuff in general.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Mike Figgis' incomprehensible Hotel.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Let Me Count Olaf The Ways That I Love Thee
View Trailer
Although some people would tell you that it's juss plain bagel wrong, I think it's just fine pointing out that a young girl has got talent and a bright future. This young girl in question is not J-L Spears or Emma Watson, but soon to be rising starlet, Emily Browning, who plays Violet Baudelaire, one of three orphans who have nothing but Unfortunate Events forced upon them after their rents czech out on them. Grant it, she's no Dakota Fanning, so we shant dwell on this subject any longer. Unlike Harry Pothead, I had no idea that Lemony Snicket was such a smashing success. I guess dem kids love anything that isn't Ramona Quimby these days. orson Wells, I'm glad I took a chance and forced my mumsy to see this with me. The story is whatevs, but the book's characters and settings are brought to life with such bravado and luminosity, that you even forget that there is a story. There is? I said FORGET ABOUT IT! Oh the art direction!! So recockulously beautifulcallyfragalicous! Major props de leon to production designer Rick Heinrichs, who also helped to create the worlds of Tim Burton's films AND The Big Lebowski. Give the guy the Oscar!! What was better, I, Robot's world? And Jim Carrey, Billy Connolly, and Meryl Streep seem to be having so much fun on the screen that you'll wish you could hang out with them, rather than their real personses. Carrey hispecially is right at home here. He was BORN to play Count Olaf or really anyone who's a complete nutter butter. This is one flick that everyone from ages 6 to 66 can enjoy.
Recommended for those who like: lemony snizzles or snickety lizzles, snausages, and snozzberries, but who ever heard of a snozzberry??
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the story that never ends, The Neverending Story.
The Assassination of Richard Nixon
Or A Shorter Title May Read The Ass of Dick
View Trailer
This movie is carried plain and nimple by Sean Penn's expert ability to play losers. And what a loser he is in this semi-true story about a loser who loses his job, wife, and pretty much any dignity that still eggsisted, who one day decided to fly a plane directly into the Nixon resided White House jus to be a somebody. Not only does Penn rock the loser stigma to a tee, but he rocks the best shadesville mustache this side of The King of Comedy's Rupert Pupkin. So much so that I hereby declare them Bitched @ Swirth! Anytime Penn is going to appear in a movie, he should be nominated for an Oscar. And what's so pathetic is that he won his golden statue for a dialed-in performance for last year's highly overrated (what should have been a) TV movie of the week, Mystic Pizza River. The dude always goes the extra yard whenever he needs to pour on the emotion, but it's more effective here than when he thinks Andy Dufresne knocked off his daughter.
Recommended for those who like: dogs being shot, BWI Airport, and Hasidic tire dealers.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the whorelairious Dick.
Meet The Fockers
W.W.B.D.?
View Trailer
If you didn't like the first one, DO NOT see this one. But if you did, then yer gonna get more of the same sludge we all loved. I didn't laugh more than three times, but I certainly cracked miles of smiles cause it was truly enjoyable seeing more of the Focker clan. I had my doubts about Dustin in this one, but my Hoffs stole the show. He'll make u wish he was yer dad. And with the box office buxomness it did, I'll be more than slap happy to waste another 10 clams for a third installment. But where do they go from there? Fock if I know.
Recommended for those who like: feeling uncomfortable, feeling Minnesota, and Teri Polo with clothes on.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of the most uncomfortable movies ever, Neighbors.
The Aviator
Keeps Reaching For The Stars, But Often Its Legs Are Stuck In The Ground
View Trailer
This movie was good, but it could have been so much much much butt munch a crunch a much roger dinty more than some flick stuck on auto-pilot. I think both of my long dead Grandmothers' could've directed this... even from the grave (no disrespect ladies)! And here are my two main problems: 1) Leo DiCaprio is a good actor (how long can we use Gilbert Grape as an eggscuse peoples!!), but he did not for one second make me believe that he was Howard H Hughes. OK, maybe fore 3 seconds when he sported a stache, but er, well, uh, NO. Sorry Leo, but I think both of my long dead Grandfathers' could've pulled it off better than you! And numero 2) Who friggin cares solely about Hughes' dedication to aviation? I could watch the History Hitler Channel to find out that infotainment thank you NOTSz. I mean, I read a whole book on HHH whilst me was in Jamaica and I couldn't put it down cause I kept wanting to read about ALL (not 5 like the movie shows) the broads he wined and boned!! Not only that, but what about the end of his life? That's all us Americans care about, the bad and mysterious crap. I mean, who didn't desire to see Leo with a long beard and 6 needles stuck in his arm? We got a better picture of that when Mr Burns went germaphobia happy. And that's a forking shame. Oliver Stone made two mistakes, one being Alexander, the second was not directing this. Now there's a man who'd do HHH justice, by showing us what we want... true or not. But all in all, it was still a good movie. Beckincell was smokin, Blanchettee was Oscarlicious, but hey, we all juss want more. And if you don't want more, well, YOU SMELL LIKE MY GRUNDLE YOU POOPHEAD YOU!!
Recommended for those who like: extinct airlines, evil Alan Alda, and GoodFellas' Jimmy Two Times' speech pattern.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Chaplin.
Phantom of The Opera
Confirms That Joel Suchmacher Is The World's Wurstest Director (sans The Lost Boys)
View Trailer
Why make a movie out of musical if you're not going to improve upon it? Case closed here! Well, I would like to mention that Emily Rossum is not hot at all, but looks eggzactly like a creepya$$ doll. I juss keep waiting for her to say, 'Momma... Momma' over and over. And DisSpencer seems to sorta agree, likening her to Minnie Mouse + Mary-Elizabeth Mastrantonio + Angelina Jolie - any sexual experience. Basically, none of those things are positive, like the movie Phantom of The Opera... which me mum loved and which prompted me to call her 'crazy' for doing so. DAMN YOU Suchmacher!!! However, kudos for casting fUcKer Jennifer Ellison. I could lick her feet all day long.
Recommended for those who like: awfulicious stage to screen adaptations, awfulistic Joel Suchmacher flicks, and all things awful, like this film.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real movie musical. Take yer pick, Oliver! or Moulin Rouge.
Beyond The Sea
Not To Be Confused With The Sea Inside, Which Is Actually Good
View Trailer
Could possumly be the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER! Yes, this movie made me roll my eyes more than the eyes in that soup in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom!! Firstoff, the movie is all over the place and zig zags thru nothing to almost something back to nothing times 6. Secondlyoff, YOU LEARN NOTHING ABOUT BOBBY DARIN. Well, you find out that he sang some songs you've heard of and that he married Sanda Dee, but other than that, NOTHING. Oh wait, he also owned a watch and his sister was really his mother and he didn't win an Oscar, and lived in a trailer once singing hippy crap and then died one day. Ooops, did I say too much? Good, DON'T BOTHER WITH THIS CRAP!! Why SPACEY?!?!?! This biocrapic has too much sugar in it. Juss when nothing is going on, everyone has to jump up and down with their flaming jazz hands and sing and dance like a bunch of Danny Ferryies. CRAP. PUKE. YUCK. Tell us what you really think Thigh Master? THIS THING SUCKS WORSE THAN A HOOVER VACCUUM SUCKING OUT ALL THE DINGLEBERRIES OUT OF EVERYONE'S ASS IN THE KNOWN WORLD! Did I mention that Kate Booooozworth could be the wurstest actress? The new Superman will suffer cause of her!
Recommended for those who like: water torture (Chinese or regular), Bob Hoskins, and everything in between.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix ANY OTHER BIOPIC EVER.
The Sea Inside
Sea Worthy For Land Lubbers
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: Spanish geography/topography, Mike Utley, and imagining what hotness Javier Bardem would look like when he's 67.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Whale Rider.
Hotel Rwanda
This Isn't Your Father's Ramada
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: human rights, clothed African women, and Nick Nolte drinking, but not getting this drunk.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Gods Must Be Crazy.
Million Dollar Baby
If A Picture Is Worth A Thousands Words, Than This Picture Is Worth A Million of Em
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: Clint, Morgan, and Mrs Chad Lowe.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Next Karate Kid.
The Woodsman
Kevin Bacon Molests Kids? Again?
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: Kyra Sedgwick noxious lips, Kyra Sedgwick's knockout nips, or the brief resurrection of David Alan Grier's career.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other child-molester-feel-good hit of the past 5 years L.I.E..
The Merchant of Venice
Jew Won't Bee Leave How Good Pacino Is
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: women with mustaches, Gareth from The Office, and pansy-arsed Shakespeare stuff in general.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Mike Figgis' incomprehensible Hotel.
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Let Me Count Olaf The Ways That I Love Thee
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: lemony snizzles or snickety lizzles, snausages, and snozzberries, but who ever heard of a snozzberry??
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the story that never ends, The Neverending Story.
The Assassination of Richard Nixon
Or A Shorter Title May Read The Ass of Dick
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: dogs being shot, BWI Airport, and Hasidic tire dealers.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the whorelairious Dick.
Meet The Fockers
W.W.B.D.?
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: feeling uncomfortable, feeling Minnesota, and Teri Polo with clothes on.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of the most uncomfortable movies ever, Neighbors.
The Aviator
Keeps Reaching For The Stars, But Often Its Legs Are Stuck In The Ground
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: extinct airlines, evil Alan Alda, and GoodFellas' Jimmy Two Times' speech pattern.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Chaplin.
Phantom of The Opera
Confirms That Joel Suchmacher Is The World's Wurstest Director (sans The Lost Boys)
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: awfulicious stage to screen adaptations, awfulistic Joel Suchmacher flicks, and all things awful, like this film.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real movie musical. Take yer pick, Oliver! or Moulin Rouge.
Beyond The Sea
Not To Be Confused With The Sea Inside, Which Is Actually Good
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: water torture (Chinese or regular), Bob Hoskins, and everything in between.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix ANY OTHER BIOPIC EVER.
Wednesday, January 19
Where Will You Be
June 24th In The '05?
Probably not seeing this, but I will be!!! C'mon, you know its gonna be better than Star Wars III! And if you happen to be sitting near me in the theater, wear a raincoat, it could get tres sloppy. By the lay, I thought my poster design was munch better...
And if that doesn't whet yer whistlin' winn-dixie, a lil over a week later,Jessica Alba In Tights: The Movie The Fantastic Four gets released. Peep the trailer hereio!
[All hotness via Pinky LeRox & Pic via Tony's CPU]
And if that doesn't whet yer whistlin' winn-dixie, a lil over a week later,
[All hotness via Pinky LeRox & Pic via Tony's CPU]
Bonnaroo 2005
Partial Line-Up
Here's the first wave of acts announced...
Widespread Panic (2 shows)
Dave Matthews Band
The Allman Brothers Band
Jack Johnson
Alison Krauss & Union Station
Modest Mouse
Gov¹t Mule
Bela Fleck Acoustic Trio
The Mars Volta
John Prine
Yonder Mountain String Band
My Morning Jacket
Keller Williams
STS9
Earl Scruggs & Friends
Joss Stone
O.A.R.
Toots and the Maytals
Umphrey's McGee
Iron & Wine
Ozomatli
Rilo Kiley
Karl Denson's Tiny Universe
Drive-By Truckers
Particle
Joanna Newsom
Xavier Rudd
Ray Lamontagne
The Gourds
Secret Machines
Donna The Buffalo
John Butler Trio
Ollabelle
Citizen Cope
Brazilian Girls
M. Ward
Madeleine Peyroux
Not too shabby, but it would have to take a truck filled with a zillion billion churros to make me choose in Smellyneohippytown, TN over Hipsterville, CA. Strap on yer trucker hats and see you in the desert!
Dave Matthews Band
The Allman Brothers Band
Jack Johnson
Alison Krauss & Union Station
Modest Mouse
Gov¹t Mule
Bela Fleck Acoustic Trio
The Mars Volta
John Prine
Yonder Mountain String Band
My Morning Jacket
Keller Williams
STS9
Earl Scruggs & Friends
Joss Stone
O.A.R.
Toots and the Maytals
Umphrey's McGee
Iron & Wine
Ozomatli
Rilo Kiley
Karl Denson's Tiny Universe
Drive-By Truckers
Particle
Joanna Newsom
Xavier Rudd
Ray Lamontagne
The Gourds
Secret Machines
Donna The Buffalo
John Butler Trio
Ollabelle
Citizen Cope
Brazilian Girls
M. Ward
Madeleine Peyroux
Not too shabby, but it would have to take a truck filled with a zillion billion churros to make me choose in Smellyneohippytown, TN over Hipsterville, CA. Strap on yer trucker hats and see you in the desert!
Raymond Burrrrrrrrrrrr
It's forking freezing outupperwestside. Someone's body peas send me some Freezy Freakies for crying out loud!
- What does it sound like on the Saturn moon of Titan? One sounds like Anybeach, USA, and the other sounds like a busted arsed version of Atari's Space Invaders.
- Either of those still sound lightyears away better than this Jewish rap (turn on speakers). [via The Unit Terrierian]
- When peacing the fork out, please hold the mayo.
- We all missed out on the biddings for Rex Kwan Do's Stars & Stripes Pants, but its never too late to own The Dude's robe. [via Nipsy Newbsy & Not The Author of da Da Vinci Code]
- Is this considered my first interview since self-proclaiming myself the Thigh Master?
- These have taxidermists no shame. [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- 24 would make a great cartoon.
- Pretty Girls Make nice with the west.
- Rachael Ray: lover of homeless people, baby carrots, Queens of the Stone Age, Cleveland, and Burger King's french fries. A true Renaissance woMan and Mischa Skeeter's babe o the week. [via Nipsy again!]
- Gawd bless the blogosphere's hottiest duo, the Tarts of Pleasure. [via My Man M]
- Did I mention that it's colder here than sitting on ole Ironside's metal wheelchair in a freezer?
Pee es, did I mention what
I heard Jedddddith say?
- What does it sound like on the Saturn moon of Titan? One sounds like Anybeach, USA, and the other sounds like a busted arsed version of Atari's Space Invaders.
- Either of those still sound lightyears away better than this Jewish rap (turn on speakers). [via The Unit Terrierian]
- When peacing the fork out, please hold the mayo.
- We all missed out on the biddings for Rex Kwan Do's Stars & Stripes Pants, but its never too late to own The Dude's robe. [via Nipsy Newbsy & Not The Author of da Da Vinci Code]
- Is this considered my first interview since self-proclaiming myself the Thigh Master?
- These have taxidermists no shame. [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- 24 would make a great cartoon.
- Pretty Girls Make nice with the west.
- Rachael Ray: lover of homeless people, baby carrots, Queens of the Stone Age, Cleveland, and Burger King's french fries. A true Renaissance woMan and Mischa Skeeter's babe o the week. [via Nipsy again!]
- Gawd bless the blogosphere's hottiest duo, the Tarts of Pleasure. [via My Man M]
- Did I mention that it's colder here than sitting on ole Ironside's metal wheelchair in a freezer?
Pee es, did I mention what
I heard Jedddddith say?
Tuesday, January 18
The Mos
Whorridifuliciouslistic
Hairdo In The World
If you go around looking like this again my dear Thighness, I may have to expel you from Thighland for good!! It almost happened when you dyed yer hair, but I cut you some slack cause you have one sweet rack & rear view. So I beg of you, don't force me to fly Falkor so I's can gets my Mischa Bart-ON!!!
Mucho a grassy-a$$es to Golden DisSpencer for dispensing this pic in my general direction. Also, thanks to Mr For Hire for pointing me/us to the perky Teri Polo Playboy snaps and to the fact that there's gonna be a Borat movie AND hack director Todd Phillips is out of the picture... literally! And for an added bonus, here's the finestestest pic [via The Drunk Step Pa] of Her FUTURE Royal Thighness the III from the GGs. Is there anyone more perrrfect than her besides my mumsy? I juss wanna give lil kisses to every lil freckle on her lil nose (Barton's, not my mum's)!
Click to make larger
Mucho a grassy-a$$es to Golden DisSpencer for dispensing this pic in my general direction. Also, thanks to Mr For Hire for pointing me/us to the perky Teri Polo Playboy snaps and to the fact that there's gonna be a Borat movie AND hack director Todd Phillips is out of the picture... literally! And for an added bonus, here's the finestestest pic [via The Drunk Step Pa] of Her FUTURE Royal Thighness the III from the GGs. Is there anyone more perrrfect than her besides my mumsy? I juss wanna give lil kisses to every lil freckle on her lil nose (Barton's, not my mum's)!
Click to make larger
Monday, January 17
The Mos
Beautifuliciouslistic
Girl In The World
The 'Who' Sell Out
 |
- Who this guy with the guile and gumption to post mp3s for every track of Beck's new album? Gawd only knows, but thanks to StereoScottSkiles and Productson for the linklove.
- Who knew that Kip/Aaron Ruell from Napoleon Dynamite was such a dynamite photographer? Maybe Aaron's mum?
- Who returns from the grave next Tuesday with a Mouthfeel? Magnapop does and yous can download their ultra-catchy single 'Smile 4U' here.
- Who was the least biggest sirprize in da Da Vinci Code's casting? Jean Reno as detective Bezu Fache. While Opie's at it, why doesn't he sign up Leon's padawan, Matilda!!!!!!
- Who could easily become Her Royal Thighness The III? This 100 pound chick who became the first person to eat a six-pound hamburger in under three hours! [via Posh & Becker]
- Who the scrooge are Autolux? Beats the spork outta me, but count dem in for Coachella. [via The Mesh Board]
- Who is Harry Crumb? Ask Shawnee.
- Who has been house hunting the homes of Bush's cabinet? Probably not LL, who rocketh.
- Who knew Andy Rooney had a son, let alone banged someone, and that his son was also a reporter? I dunno, but I bet he's much more qualified than Jeremy Schaap.
- Who Flung Poo?
- Who be hittin the road this April that you butter go see cause I juss told you to do so or ELSE?? Les Fiery Furnaces, and with their last show slated for the end of April in San Fran, is it safe to say they'll be Coachella bound? [via The Veggie Head via The Cowboy]
Wed 04/06/05 Cleveland, OH The Spot- And finally... Who got their a$$ royally spanked by His Royal Thighness in some HOT Literati action, yet still was nice enuff to provide us all with the fine animated gif you see below? Giddy-up Giddy Gideon. Bless you my dear.
Sat 04/09/05 New York, NY Bowery Ballroom
Sun 04/10/05 Brooklyn, NY North Six
Tue 04/12/05 Detroit, MI Magic Stick
Wed 04/13/05 Newport, KY Southgate House
Fri 04/15/05 Atlanta, GA Emory University
Sat 04/16/05 Nashville, TN Exit / In
Sun 04/17/05 Saint Louis, MO Washington University
Tue 04/19/05 Columbia, MO Blue Note
Wed 04/20/05 Lawrence, KS The Bottleneck
Fri 04/22/05 Boulder, CO Fox Theatre
Sat 04/23/05 Salt Lake City, UT In The Venue
Thu 04/28/05 San Francisco, CA Great American Music Hall
Fri 04/29/05 San Francisco, CA Great American Music Hall
Sunday, January 16
Search & Destro
All bloggers, web masters, Dutch Masters and Thigh Masters care about their own site's statistics. If they claim they don't, then they're probably too dumb to set up a site meter in the first place. The mos delightful part of the whole dang thing isn't the numbers of peeps visiting Thighland, but how dem love actually got to this site in the first place. I'm sure some of you bookmark this haven for the of objectification women, some via many of our wonderful superfriends, but some of you lot venture here on accident, aka those randomly searching for shiz on the internets. Well, welcome you accidental tourists! Hopefully you found what you were looking for, but if you didn't, hopefully you learned something new, like what kinds of sweaters I buy on ebay, who I'd love to sodomize every night, and my feelings on 'director' Kevin Smith. Anywho, here's a recent sampling of you what you accidental tourists/sick fu#k$ were searching for and what you got instead...
- Yearning to know all about "life goes on" corky "fight the power"? Well, I do have some info on that infamous act when hip-hop finally met with Down Syndrome, but yule also find a link which reveals that Arafat's last screen role was in The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou.
- Lusting for some juicy links that got dem good ole ass and thighs? Well, hopefully you'll be mesmerized by my tales of funnel cakes and frozen chocolate covered banana eating.
- Or desperate to find out if your wife's thighs are spread all over the world wide morgan webb's web? Sorry, your wife won't let me take pictures of her thighs, just her poonanny, but why not take a listenage to this motherload of Jim Mora Sr audio rants you just unearthed.
- Do you need an easier way to find a screen cap of Cuthbert touching her sweet clothed-a$$? Then just type in Sirprizes firefox and we'll get you there in lickity splickty no thyme.
- For those desperately seeking rebel billionaire jessica McCann nude, don't even bother visiting TWS, and just click here or here or even here , if backsides are yo thang!
- And for those of you soul II soul searching for a picture of thighs (NOTE: before you click that thighs links, be forewarned that you shall get far more than you bargained for, like images of vaginas, bad tan lines, some chopped up looking thing (and no, i'm not talking about a vagina)) you will be rewarded with a picture of Her Former Royal Thighness' side boob. Oddly enuff, if you typed grambo alou, that would also get you to those luscious side boobies.
And now for some Destro action as promised in the title!!
I always knew he was of
the Asian persuasion
And loved curvy things
- Yearning to know all about "life goes on" corky "fight the power"? Well, I do have some info on that infamous act when hip-hop finally met with Down Syndrome, but yule also find a link which reveals that Arafat's last screen role was in The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou.
- Lusting for some juicy links that got dem good ole ass and thighs? Well, hopefully you'll be mesmerized by my tales of funnel cakes and frozen chocolate covered banana eating.
- Or desperate to find out if your wife's thighs are spread all over the world wide morgan webb's web? Sorry, your wife won't let me take pictures of her thighs, just her poonanny, but why not take a listenage to this motherload of Jim Mora Sr audio rants you just unearthed.
- Do you need an easier way to find a screen cap of Cuthbert touching her sweet clothed-a$$? Then just type in Sirprizes firefox and we'll get you there in lickity splickty no thyme.
- For those desperately seeking rebel billionaire jessica McCann nude, don't even bother visiting TWS, and just click here or here or even here , if backsides are yo thang!
- And for those of you soul II soul searching for a picture of thighs (NOTE: before you click that thighs links, be forewarned that you shall get far more than you bargained for, like images of vaginas, bad tan lines, some chopped up looking thing (and no, i'm not talking about a vagina)) you will be rewarded with a picture of Her Former Royal Thighness' side boob. Oddly enuff, if you typed grambo alou, that would also get you to those luscious side boobies.
And now for some Destro action as promised in the title!!
the Asian persuasion
And loved curvy things
Friday, January 14
Still A Prick @ 86
MERRY 86th FORKING B-DAY ANDREW ROONEY! For on this day in 1919, yer dear parents gave birth to what some peeps would call the anti-Christ, but to me, the messiah of maniacal muttering. I don't think I love any man (besides Jude Law) as much as I heart you, AR!! So whatever you do, PLEASE DON'T EVER DIE. I really don't know how I'd ever be able to face 7:55 PM EST on a Sunday without you and yer crazy-a$$ed eyebrows. Sure, George Whipple III's also gots somes bushy von brows, but no one could ever replace you o lord of curmudgeonessness. Not even you Steve Hartman, you Admiral of Lame.
- And I'm sorry I be hating on you so much these dayz Stevey, but that doesn't mean the powers that be should get rid of 60 Minutes II altogether! Instead why don't they 86 one of the 14 CSIs? [via The Bistro]
- Prince Harry could have done worse... like eating a watermelon the way del fuehrer loved to.
- Clips of the new Fantastic Four flick lead me to believe that it won't turn out to be the debacle that Roger Corman's was. But making Jessica Alba an invisible woman could be the wurst call since Olestra. [via the Double V-miesters]
- You can judge how narly and rad a President is by the musicians they snag for their inauguration. And by the looks of Bush's line-up (Hilary Duff, Gloria Estefan, Ruben Studdard, and 3 Doors Down), you could say that's he's almost more hip than Donald Dumpsfeld. On the other hand, back in the weigh day, Clinton cemented his wickedness when he kicked it with Natalie Merchant, Fleetwood THE MAC, and the one day only supergroup known as Automatic Baby, which consisted of Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Larry Mullen, and Adam Clayton! Click this link to find an mp3 of their performance of U2's 'One'. Franzforkingtastic! If I was prez, I'd have The Fiery Furnaces, Air, White Stripes, and Ali G/Borat all perform in my honor. I'd also probably convince my first lady, Cuthbert the Hot, to pole dance for my supporters.
- Don't trust every single Coachella rumor you hear or read, but feel free to be entertained by them. For eggzample, on the message board, some smorkbag claimed he heard from a friend at Capital (sic) Records that the likes of Korn, Limp Bizkit, and many other unlistenable bands were a go. And to which, someone retorted, 'my friend at Mc donalds says the hamburgler is goin to headline night 1.' Does anyone else find this humorwristic or do I need to get out more?
- Southwest Airlines to start flying out of real airports like LaGuardia and DC's
 |
- What's "continental" about a continental breakfast?
- Clicky here if yer dying to convert a specific dollar amount from the past to its present value, for any year after 1789. [via Cecil McKnowledge]
- Bryan Berg stacks cards for a living.
- I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney. That's no headline, but Ben crApffleck's directorial debut!?!?! [via CopyCatism]
- If you vote for Mike Birbiglia, I may get free sausages.
- Dizzee Rascal spackled my tackle box with Samantha Fox! Flazzum! Basically anytime Peabs posts, I'll mos likely link to it. I mean, is there anyone more brilliant and beautiful than he is? Wait a sec, I think I may have just found the heir apparent to Andy Rooney!
- Mr Little Penis Gives Up. [SFW, not this SFW mind you!]
- And now it's time for you all, my dear readers, to help decide the fate of the 'Spot the Drummer' thing you see here every Friday. Do any of you ever click on the pic (below) and play the game or should I just get rid of the whole damn thing so we can move on with our lives?
Thursday, January 13
Thuggee Cult of Personality
- PEACE THE FORK OUT Temple of Doom's Mola Rom & DC's 'Alternative' radio station 99.1 WFHS, which has be transformed into a 24-hour fiesta. No one could pull a heart from a man's chest or betray Shiva they way you could, Mola! And no one could assemble such untimeless talents into a festival they way you did, WHFS! Like the one I attended in the summer of '92 where I took in the sounds of Catherine Wheel, Too Much Joy, Wolfgang Press, The Ocean Blue, Charlantans UK, Graham Parker, They Might Be Giants, and the long forgotten Soup Dragons. That lineup was so memorable that I had to Google to get it. [newsage via Shady H/Fleaski/M.M. Marvkus]
- Me didn't even think of it until today, but my flavorite author of the bowel moment and Sri Lankan resident, Arthur C Clarke, is alive and well.
- Everyone gave Gweniee & Chris Boring such a hard time for naming their baby Apple. Well, I guess 'Nappies' didn't help matters, but how come I haven't heard one peep about Beck & Sister Ribisi naming their golden child Cosimo? Ah, who cares, at least Beck's supposedly gonna rap on his new album.
- Add Doves to the Coachella line-up.
- Lincoln, Spielberg, Neeson. A nice.
- Bob Marley's remains to be moved to Ethiopia. Don't worry folks, he'll still be surrounded by people who don't wash their hair and smoke pot in the name of the Ja. Sounds like the life to me!
- Playboy Playmate On Trial For Assaulting Boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriend At Nightclub. The best part of the whole story is it proves that Jeff Garcia is NOT gay. [via Fleaski]
- The CBS big whigs that really should get the axe is whomever hired 60 Minutes II's Steve Hartman. Either read or watch his latest social crapentary.
- Is there nothing more rougher than a Jewish rapper named Cleetus Friedman who sports Washington Bullets gear from head to toe? Yeah, ANYTHING! [via Setlzer with an 'H']
- Speaking of the Chosen People, aren't they/we the only peeps who should be drinking Manischewitz fine grape wines? [via Navi via IsThatLegal?]
- Fear the Turtle bracelets? First of all, no one fears playing the Terps anymore and secondly, no one fears a man/woman/child who wears a bracelet. Juss ask the bullied fat kids.
- Zack Morris, AC Slater, and Screech rapping [Qwiktime]. To some a whorrible nightmare, but to Kelly Kapowski's lil sis, a wet dream come true. [via Double V via College Hummers]
- World's wurstest animated gif featuring Clinton Portis can be found right here. [via Jay Bilzzzz$$]
- World's wurstest album cover can be found right here.
- Say No To Grampa Joe
- Tr3nt, if you keep posting about J-L Spears, I'm afraid bad and dirty things might happen to myself as well as others. Please note that I didn't say stop. And to help us get our minds outta the gutter, here's a collage of Her Royal Thighness The II proving that you don't have stop wearing white after labor day... hispecially if you hail from the supple lands of Nepal.
Wednesday, January 12
Virgin Hotlantic Air Raves
 |
 |
 |
On to the stove top stuffings you all really camed (in yer pants) here to read...
FOR FIVE NIGHTS
(ONLY?)
The Place: Hammerstein Ballroom
The When: March 22-27, Presale Jan 25, Regular Onsale Feb 5
Who Wit: 3/22 John Butler Trio, 3/23 The Bees, 3/25 The Soundtrack Of Our Lives, 3/26 North Mississippi Allstars, & 3/27 Ben Kweller
What To Do: Act fast cause tix are sure to sell faster than these babiesz. Tsunobvs! [hot news and anal leakage via BillyBoard]
- Borat Sagdiyev sighted in Salem, VA?
- Sarah Jessica Parker has finally found a project that's more fitting for her tisgusting ogre face: Shrek 3
- Beckham Lookalikes To Marry. And you thought our news was wiggty wiggty whack.
- Have you ever remixed or covered 'Army of Me'? Well, Björk wants em all!
- Tesla, yes, that five man acoustical jam band who loathed to read signs, are hitting the road. They shitstop in NYC on March Furst @ Irving Platz.
- Not a good time to be bad in tha ACC.
- GoldenFiddle.com is NOT dead, but juss back in the shop to be re-stringed. Hurry back now great Fiddler, cause me, him, and him, can't keep up the hotness alone.
- Beware of garbage on 4/11.
- You can't truss CBS no mo, so wees gotta turn to people who know what they're talking about, like Norman Chad, aka the Couch Slouch. No one asks the hard hitting questions that hit closer to home than Sir Slouches-a-lot. Take for instance this query he quipped in his splendid article on bowling & America, 'Bowling is a better life. In fact, given a choice between bowling a 220 game or dating Jennifer Garner, Halle Berry and Lindsay Lohan on consecutive nights, I have six words for you: "What size shoes do you need?' Well, since I'm an alum of the Lebowski Fest and already have a 231 under my belt, I'm free to hit the town and dem skins anytime me wants. But the rest of you need to strap on yer wrist braces, pour on the talc, and roll yer balls off. [via the great Joe E Steak Tartare]
- Lindsay Lohan walks thru LA airport in her jammies. Is this what pilots wet dream of? And while we're questioning things, do androids dream of electric sheep?
Want something a lil LL hottier?
Tuesday, January 11
Devane In The Membrane
CTU is in shambles these days. What kind of a counter-terrorism unit fires its best, and most proficient mouth breather, yet retains the services of the ever annoying and Dark Crystal lookin Chloe O'Brian/Mary Lynn Rajskub, hires an inept and bumblin' ex-Sopranos FBI agent, and assigns one of it's finest wurst wurstest wurstestest special agents, Erin E-coli, to run the place. I mean, not only does her character make disastrous decisions about every 4 seconds, but she is one le mos awful awfuller awfulistic microwaved-tunaish actresses in modern history. And what's with that fugtacular hair bizatchazoid? You're so tres nasT, that I'd rather bang Nina Bangs or Lester Bangs, than get anywhere near you and yer she-bangs.
Anywho, I think the show needs an complete overhaul. Instead of hatin' on Muslims all of the time, they should focus their attentions to Native Americans trying to do some of dat hard-core buffalo terrorism, where they poison our wing supply. They should also let a topless Bree Van Der Kamp (NSFW) run CTU, with a crack team of skilled youngins including Kim Cuthy Cuthrenisian, myself, Lukas Haas, Corey Haim, Alex Winter, Billy Zabka,Mare Winningham, and Penfold. We'd keep America safe from everything, eggcept for things that are out of our control, like Fox's Who's Your Daddy, Randy Moss' moon landing, and how not right it is that J-L Spears is a nice.
- This just in: PITT & ANISTON SPLITSVILLE! DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! KERRY CHOOSES GEPHARDT! THIGHSMAN LOVES CORN!
- Records are made to be broken, even if they involve Rubik's Cube [wma vid via Lou Malnati's #1 Fan]
- McShoarma: the commercial. [via Ultrrramint via Jedidiah]
- Speaking of McDoogle's, who knew they had a catalog, let alone one loaded with such goodies as: a Big Mac lookin' mug/pen/towel/paper cube, Let's Go To McDonald's® Game (it's no game, it's a lifestyle), Titleist® balls, Ronald action figure set, more mugs, am 'i'm lovin' it' Trucker's hat and what has got to be their lowest selling item, a gym bag.
- Jay-Z vs. Nena, '99 Luft Problems'. Thanks gord! I mean, how many moons is this mash-up overdue? [via My Man Marvkus via Leafblower via BlueState]
- Kelisnas Naskelis
- BRIT Awards noms announced. U2, Archdukes, and Scizssiors Sistahs will perform. Why do American award shows, besides the Oscars, blow kak muffins?
- Lettuce all cross our finger-banging fingers for a Director's Cut of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Hopefully one of the 17 cut scenes features Chris Isaak serenading a heavy breathing Kiefer Sutherland with 'Wicked Game', while a midget dances.
- Best of luck Halps. Send me some neutral chocolate, watches, and bank accounts. And if you see Pirmin Zurbriggen or Simon Ammann, do send my love.
- Mouse pad couch. [via Steak & Shaker]
- 'Dizzee Rascal likes razzleberry falafel waffles'. What kind of genius could pen such penis (genius + pen = penis)? Yeats? Keats? Yates? Tina Yothers? Nope, the Coz.
- Man Eats Raw Duck Before Undies Save Him. Come again? ...and all over my face?
- And did I mention how much 24 is lacking in uber-udder-ultra-ulti-umbro-hotness this season? I mean, no one could run away from homicidal maniacs, bears, and Matt Dillon's brother AND look good, they that you did kid. Kisses on yer Hershey highway to your thighway.
Anywho, I think the show needs an complete overhaul. Instead of hatin' on Muslims all of the time, they should focus their attentions to Native Americans trying to do some of dat hard-core buffalo terrorism, where they poison our wing supply. They should also let a topless Bree Van Der Kamp (NSFW) run CTU, with a crack team of skilled youngins including Kim Cuthy Cuthrenisian, myself, Lukas Haas, Corey Haim, Alex Winter, Billy Zabka,
- This just in: PITT & ANISTON SPLITSVILLE! DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! KERRY CHOOSES GEPHARDT! THIGHSMAN LOVES CORN!
- Records are made to be broken, even if they involve Rubik's Cube [wma vid via Lou Malnati's #1 Fan]
- McShoarma: the commercial. [via Ultrrramint via Jedidiah]
 |
- Jay-Z vs. Nena, '99 Luft Problems'. Thanks gord! I mean, how many moons is this mash-up overdue? [via My Man Marvkus via Leafblower via BlueState]
- Kelisnas Naskelis
- BRIT Awards noms announced. U2, Archdukes, and Scizssiors Sistahs will perform. Why do American award shows, besides the Oscars, blow kak muffins?
- Lettuce all cross our finger-banging fingers for a Director's Cut of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Hopefully one of the 17 cut scenes features Chris Isaak serenading a heavy breathing Kiefer Sutherland with 'Wicked Game', while a midget dances.
- Best of luck Halps. Send me some neutral chocolate, watches, and bank accounts. And if you see Pirmin Zurbriggen or Simon Ammann, do send my love.
- Mouse pad couch. [via Steak & Shaker]
- 'Dizzee Rascal likes razzleberry falafel waffles'. What kind of genius could pen such penis (genius + pen = penis)? Yeats? Keats? Yates? Tina Yothers? Nope, the Coz.
- Man Eats Raw Duck Before Undies Save Him. Come again? ...and all over my face?
- And did I mention how much 24 is lacking in uber-udder-ultra-ulti-umbro-hotness this season? I mean, no one could run away from homicidal maniacs, bears, and Matt Dillon's brother AND look good, they that you did kid. Kisses on yer Hershey highway to your thighway.
Monday, January 10
Desperate Haaswives
Oh, the Bok Choyces we have to make in our lives. Sunday night was the biggest dilemma in the House of Thighs since the Ford administration. What is one to do when Fox airs two straight hours of Jack Bauer's heavy breathing and one of those hours juss so happens to overlap with the lovely, yet desperate Housewhores? Like there was even a decision to make. I shouldn't even bother watching 24 anymore since Her Royal Thighness, Kim/Cuthy, parted ways with the show, but with the addition of William Devane (who used to look like RFK and now looks like Ted Kennedy), a House of Sand and Fogesque family, and hispecially Lukas Haas (my former muse before Barret Oliver re-stole my heart), it was enough to keep me glued... for at least that 1st hour. I mean, there really aint nuttin in this good world dat's gonna keep me away from Bree Van De Kamp and her purrrrrrfect red hair that I just wanna lick all day like it was Häagen-Dazs. Cold case closed... for now.
- Speaking of HRT, is Sir Ian Holm Elisha Cuthbaby's secret daddy? Why else would he shorten his name?
- And what kind of a bloggah would I be if I didn't pass a long a peace le fork out to Jennirad Pittison. What will we ever do without you, our most boringistestically former Hollywood super-couple? I dunno, I guess watch Lukas Haas kick gla$$!!
- Lindsay Lohan Picked As Top Celebrity Gamblers Want To See In The Nude. I hear that's the second greatest honor one can receive next to being knighted or mcnabbing a coveted Subie Award.
- Looks like Michael Jackson has done some pretty bad things. Nicknaming two kids 'Doo Doo Head' and 'Blowhole' may be the wurstest of the bunch.
- Andy Rooney, lover of cell phones? Whatta you think?
- I think I have a Cliff Engle NFL sweater fetish. Somebody please help me.
- 62-Foot Stogie Rolled in Puerto Rico. It's things like this that make me so proud that they're a US commonwealth.
- Blog + Video = Vlog. That's about the gayest thing I've ever heard of that isn't even gay. So don't get yer hopes up folks, cause you won't be seeing your's drooly becoming Vlog the Impaler anytime soon. [link and Dracula pun via Johnny Bill$$z]
- Porn bad? According to this 1965 PSA by Citizens For Decent Literature Inc, it most certainly is! [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- Terrence Malick, who directs a movie about as often as I exercise, decides to make a come back with this? Note to Hollywood: we're sick of Colin Farrell. Please send him back to the land of Darby O'Gill and dem little people.
- Melinda & Melinda looks more like a Will Ferrell movie, than a Woody Allen one. The jury's still out on whether that's a good or bad thing.
- Which Napoleon Dynamite character is you? I landed the plum role of Kip, which was fitting since I like to chat with hot babes all day shlong on the internets too! [via Kentucky Woman]
- Is your name Jim Wilson? You're not alone.
- And I'm sorry if the following animated gif of the magi is N.S.F.P.W.L.O.H.M.B. (Not Safe For People Who Love Or Hate Mr Bean), but it au jus had to be posted. [all thanks or blame can be directed to Wimp.com via my dearest to CityRagDoll]
Friday, January 7
Welcome To The
House of Fun Bags
- Productshopppe claims that Jay-Z, Danger Mouse, and a reunited Gang Of Four are all on board for Coachella '05. I may have to start making my own chocolate-covered-frozen-bananas to prepare myself for the munchies-a-thon in the desert.
- Lohan lives for L7. And where have her boobs gone? [via SuperFishAll]
- Thighs Wide Shut, you're #1 Google search from all things Lewis V Sills.
- Elton John quizzes The Archdukes (aka Franz Fizzlers) on their cock sizes.
- Flavor Flav ready to roll like Mario Van Peebs and go solo.
- Happy New Year, indeed!
- Having trouble finding an E-Card for that special occasion, like a miscarriage or a date rape? These folks are here to help! [via My Man Marvkus]
- Ron Howard better play ball, cause the last thing that anyone wants is to ruffle the feathers of the The National Organization For Albinism & Hypopigmentation.
- Apparently a lot of DC teams will be playing in RFK's parking lot this year if Tony Kornheiser's visions come true.
 |
- Are these the worst superhero costumes of all time? I dunno, I stopped reading that crap when I learned how to masturbate.
- Toilet Brush Warning Wins Consumer Award
- If you put the three following Orlando Bloom movies into a blender, Lord of The Rings, Troy, and Pirates of the Caribbean, what would the mush pile look like? Probably something a lot like this. Hey, O Blo, you know you're allowed to star in a movie that takes place in the 21st or 20th century, right?
- By the gay, do any of you alls jones for the days when a new LOTR came out each winter? I do, but Narnia may be the cure to our missing merriment and pippinment.
- And one last trailer, that'll be sure to keep you from theaters sometime in '05: Steve Martin in The Pink Panther. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes! How dare they drag poor Turkish and Leon into this mess they somehow called 'a movie'.
- If you evers get fed up with my lack of postingings during yer daily smudgery, please head on over to Pink Is The New Blog. Dude posts more than Gheorghe Muresan. I meant this Gheorghe Muresan.
- And you've all been such a lovely audience this week that you deserve a look at Her Current Royal Thighness, all ghetro ab fabbed out and stuff!
Wednesday, January 5
Alba Cause of You
 |
- Peace the fork out to you H. David Dalquist. Some say he was the greatest inventor since Edison. I mean, can you imagine what life was like before the Bundt cake pan?
- U2 and Coldplay to be the Coachella co-headliners? Those rumors are so May 3rd, 2004. Either way, don't count on Modest Mouse being there. But feel free to catch em on tour or when they appear on tomorrow's ep of The O.C..
- Even though this animated gif and live video for 'Mouse House, Moose Hoose' both kinda freak me out, The Fiery Furnaces are still the mostestest. [via Catchy-D]
- 2005's SXSW Festival should be a hoot. On board musically be The Raveonettes, Billy Idol, Sleater-Kinney, Son Volt, and plenty of other goodies. On the film side of tangs, Luke & Owen's bro Andrew drops his directing debut, The Wendell Baker Story, while Todd Solondz' shitbag of a movie, Palinbroke (reviewed here by me), gets a screening + discussion with E Dub's Owen Gleiberman.
- The deadline for applications to become a member of Jeopardy!'s illustrious Clue Crew be January 14th! I'm pullin for ya Paige.
- Is the Village Voice's newly minted site sponsored by Centrum or something?
 |
- The International Federation of Competitive Eating [via Brawnymanstein]
- What is sure to be the movie that everyone will be talkin bout in the '05? My money is on The Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project.
- Remember when Wes Anderson made outstanding and outsitting movies? Well, you can relive the magic when Rushmore plays at Midnight this Fri & Sat @ the Sunshine.
- Dying to know what Tucker Carlson would look like if he was part buzzard? Click away.
- Here are two books that are sure to make yer shimmy go shimmy shimmy ya: Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia: The A to Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked AND The Adventures of Q*Bert.
- CosmicLockSmith.com [via Z del Roachclip]
- Subway's Jared Ate my Balls!
- And tis been too long since we've had one, so eye gives to you, the first BITCHED @ SWIRTH of '05: David 'Laser Pointer Sister' Banach and Darrell 'I've overstayed my SNL welcome' Hammond...
Tuesday, January 4
Gone To The Boggs
 |
- If you can rent out The Fridge or Corky, of course you can Rent-A-Midget. [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- Posh spice has had 3 boob jobs? Tell me more!
- Star Wars Tres may go all PG-13 and shit on us. Rumor has it cause there's this scene where Jar Jar gives Watto a glass bottom boat (where you place saran-wrap over someone's face and then take a dump on their face). Anywho, who knew that after all these years, Billy Dee was still one smoothe mothersticker? Doesn't hurt that he's surrounded by a pack of white people. [via Double Veester/Thigh Master imposters]
- Beck's new album delayed til March. Let the Anti-Beck-Alley-Abortion protests begin!
- It must hurt when a brother of a Backstreet Boy sez yer singing is udderly whack. It must hispecially sting when said person was also yer former flame AND also dated yer biggest rival. Too bad for said person that in 10 years time, he'll be sucking cock for nickels.
- WWJLLAAB (What Would Jesus Look Like As A Boy)? [via Nipsy Newbular]
- The future always sounds better in the past. I mean, who doesn't want to drive a hovercraft?
- Everyone most flavorite fooball team, The Washington Redskins, already know who they're playing next year. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say they're going 16-0.
- Don't forget about The Gates, coming soon to a gigantic public park (possibly) near you!
- Police Say Man Rages Over French Fries
- Catchdubsdotcom, now with 100% less Orko and 40% better link color legibility. I guess you take the good with the bad, and the ugly.
- I have the body of an adonis, and a D that makes Ron Jeremy look like a cloned hybrid of a disemboweled Jeremy Sisto (pre "Moonlight and Valentino," snatch) and Rainbow Brite wearing a fucking strap-on dipped in au jus. That being said, I have decided that my New Year's resolution will be to simply continue being fucking wonderful. What the fizzle does this rizzle mean? I dunno, but 2005 will toast def be The Year Of Peabs.
- And just for jizz and giggles, by way of The Scrappy Hapster, we give you this thang...
Lewis V. Sills For President
I know we're less than 4 years away from choosing our next President, but may I offer you a candidate with no eggspeareance or qualifications twatsoever, yet has the gift of impersonation that rivals the bill paying skills of Phil Hartman and Fletch: LEWIS V. SILLS. What, you've never heard of Lewis V. Sills, of Elkridge, MD? Why over the past month alone he pulled off some of the mos deft string of wire transferring of cash scams in our lifetime. It's not just that he hoodwinked Redskin legend Darrell Green & Campbell's Chunky Soup pitchman Donovan F. McNabb out of 1.5k combined, but how he did it... by convincing them over the phone that they were other NFL players who were in need of some qwik-a$$ed cash! This is how I imagine how the phone calls went (some facts were used and crap was used to fill in the rest)...
Lewis V. Sills calling all around good guy Darrell Green pretending to be Ravens' LB Peter Boulware:
Lewis V. Sills calling all around good guy Darrell Green pretending to be Ravens' LB Peter Boulware:
LVS: Yo, Darrell! Wassup dawg? It's yer boy Pete Boulware!Lewis V. Sills calling McNabb posing as Redskins' scrub WR and former teammate of D Mc, James Thrash:
DG [confused]: Uh, hi Pete.
LVS: How are things at the United Way and yer daughter Jarrell?
DG [still confused]: Uh, great. We're just opening up a whole new center in...
LVS [interrupting]: That sounds great Darrell, but my cousin Lewis Sills' has been having a lot of financial problems lately, like feeding his baby's mama appetite for bling.
DG [still still confused]: I see.
LVS: Yeah, uh, well, can you like wire him $900 bones to a Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland?
DG [at this point udderly bewildered]: Uh sure, I'll get right on it.
LVS: Yo, Donnie Mc! Wassup dawg? It's yer boy from the way day, James Thrash!Lewis V. Sills calling Warren Sapp, claiming to be Laveranues Coles, who to my knowledge, has no connection with Sapp:
DMc: Uh, hey Thrash. What's going on fool? I'm a lil busy slurping down some delicious Chunky Noodle Soup.
LVS: I hear ya, yo. But I got a qwik ass favor to ask.
DMc [while slurping soup]: Shoot.
LVS: Look, I know I have a multi-million dollar contract, but I need some money mad fast so I can pay for my baby momma's baby's birthday party at Chuck E Cheeseses. Can you spare $600 clams, yo?
DMc [so puzzled by that request that he puts down his bowl of soup]: Look Thrash, we haven't talked all year, cept when me and T.O. were talkin smack when we whooped up on yer sorry a$$ Skins both times this here year, but now you come a knockin looking for some bills?
LVS: Look I know it this sounds crazy, but I know you sleep with the head of Campbell's Soup and I'll go public if you don't pay up.
DMc [frightened like a grown-up near any of the Children of the Corn]: Uh sure, Thrashikins. Tell me where to go and when.
LVS: Thanks Donnie. You we're always the hiz-niz-shiz. Wire that stizz to the Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland...
LVS [sounding like a seasoned vet]: Yo, Sappy! Wassup dawg? It's Lasverneous and I need for you to wire me 18 Ben Franklins to the Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland.Our story ends with our candidate in '08, Lewis V. Sills, showing up at his favorite grocery store in Elkridge, MD, mcgrabbing the cash. Then moments later, the boys in blue arrived, attempted to arrest him, he ran, then fought with officers, before finally being detained and arrested. He later was released on bail. The Keystone Kops of Elky, MD broke open the case by learning of the Green and McNabb mcswipes, and two days after that Sills was arrested again for doing similiar scams to other peeps. Leonardo DiCaprio has already bought the rights to Sills' story and will star as Lewis V. in a biopic to be directed by Jean-Luc Godard. Btw, Beverly Sills could not be reached for this story or a sudden wire transfer of monies.
WS [angry, in the Sapp way]: Who the f&%k is this?
LVS: It's Lasverneous Coles.
WS [gettin snippy]: If this is Laveranues Coles, then how come you call yourself Lasverneous?
LVS: Look, I need some qwik ass cash or my ass is deader than the dead presidents that I need for you to wire me.
WS [very skeptical of caller]: Hold on a sec.
[Warren then proceeds to call his financial manager, Jeff Rubin, discusses what just occurred and both agreed that the dude on the phone was not bona fide. Rubin then wires $525 and notifies the local police dept]
WS [returns to phone ]: Uh sure, Lasverneous. It will be there. PEACE!
Monday, January 3
Muffin Diving
- Lohan wasn't lying on her debut LP when she said, "I'm sick of rumors startin'". Well, now she's out to clear up some of dem nasty rumors. First of all, she doesn't really eat muffins contrary to popular belief. And secondly, she's allergic to blueberries! Well I heard a rumor that she once had to have her Lohandlers beat the fork outta poor Violet Beauregarde cause her blueberryness was giving Her Former Royal Thighness rashes.
- One more Jamaica reflection: why in the hill do white people get cornrows? They look so stooopid in em. Not even Bo D could escape the oooooooglyness.
- Want some Team Zissou Adidas kicks? The closet thing yer gonna get are these homemade versions now being sold on eBay.
- Hey Garvster, how come I wasn't included The NY Post's list of people to watch in New York for 2005?
- Although The Ziegfeld ranked 159th in ticket sales in New York, they have no plans to close up shop, unlike the 596 other single movie theaters that have done so since 2001. Wurse cums the wurst, they could always turn it into a porn theater called the Jizzfeld.
- Sandra Buttox finally does something good.
- I disagree with the Rooney's view on public art, but it was a hill-air-e-us way to start of '05. (Be sure to watch the video clip instead of reading the transcript)
- Make some noise, Illy style, for The Land of Lincoln's new state amphibian and state reptile, the Eastern tiger salamander and the painted turtle, respectively.
- Why do we call Deutschland, 'Germany'? Who needs Clarissa, when Cecil eggsplains it all.
- Will Steak-on-a-Stick and The BagelPeach be the new Crystal Pepsi (aka the dumbestest idea since I decided to run against Mayor McCheese)? Time will tell. [via Future Brother-In-Law of yers drooly]
- What's wrong with this (playoff) picture? All shirts and no SKINS!!
- Know that annoying 'Pump Up The Movie' ad that tells you to silence yer cell phones, playing in movie theaters? Well, tis gots its own a nice website. Be sure to play the 'Cheerleader Toss' game.
- A week too late, but take a visit to UglyChristmasLights.com
- The Yuckiest Little Miniature Golf Course in the West
- Besides a list of top flicks of 2005 that I still owe u alls, there won't be any other look backs at '04... until TWS.org's one year annie verse airy this March.
- And I'm sorry, but Aishwarya Rai is mos certainly NOT the world's most beautiful woman. That title is reserved for Her Royal Thighness, dElishious Cuthspurt. Splugebovs Squareseaman!
 |
- Want some Team Zissou Adidas kicks? The closet thing yer gonna get are these homemade versions now being sold on eBay.
- Hey Garvster, how come I wasn't included The NY Post's list of people to watch in New York for 2005?
- Although The Ziegfeld ranked 159th in ticket sales in New York, they have no plans to close up shop, unlike the 596 other single movie theaters that have done so since 2001. Wurse cums the wurst, they could always turn it into a porn theater called the Jizzfeld.
- Sandra Buttox finally does something good.
- I disagree with the Rooney's view on public art, but it was a hill-air-e-us way to start of '05. (Be sure to watch the video clip instead of reading the transcript)
- Make some noise, Illy style, for The Land of Lincoln's new state amphibian and state reptile, the Eastern tiger salamander and the painted turtle, respectively.
- Why do we call Deutschland, 'Germany'? Who needs Clarissa, when Cecil eggsplains it all.
- Will Steak-on-a-Stick and The BagelPeach be the new Crystal Pepsi (aka the dumbestest idea since I decided to run against Mayor McCheese)? Time will tell. [via Future Brother-In-Law of yers drooly]
- What's wrong with this (playoff) picture? All shirts and no SKINS!!
- Know that annoying 'Pump Up The Movie' ad that tells you to silence yer cell phones, playing in movie theaters? Well, tis gots its own a nice website. Be sure to play the 'Cheerleader Toss' game.
- A week too late, but take a visit to UglyChristmasLights.com
- The Yuckiest Little Miniature Golf Course in the West
- Besides a list of top flicks of 2005 that I still owe u alls, there won't be any other look backs at '04... until TWS.org's one year annie verse airy this March.
- And I'm sorry, but Aishwarya Rai is mos certainly NOT the world's most beautiful woman. That title is reserved for Her Royal Thighness, dElishious Cuthspurt. Splugebovs Squareseaman!
Sunday, January 2
Greetings & Salivations
Not to sound like the first single off of every Eminem CD, but guess who's back? Yep, me, your humble mumbler/man of spiel/the one they say 'objectifies women everyday... but you can't find the links he does', Michael Palan, er, um The Master of Thighs, The Thigh Master. Let me be the 20th, or 53rd, or 9,39933,56653,3,01th person to wish you a righteous New Year of your Lord, 2005. Btw, if you are one of those people who love actually believed that the new millennium began in 2000, instead of 2001, please bacdafucup off dis here site and get an edumacation. Anywhozitz, my sojourn with me familia to Jamaica was mos egg salad. I literally did nothing. Well, somethings, if the following things can be considered things...
Drinking at least 8 Piña Coladas a day
Inhaling Jerk Chicken & Pork
ODing on Ginger Beer
Leprechaun Hunting
(just in case you didn't know,
this is what fire looks like)
Watch Father Thigh Master
Get Hit On By This Chef
Reading this umcredible Howard Hughes book
that was 70 zillion million billion thymes
more informative than The Aviator
whilst enjoying
the scenery
the greenery
All the other pictures were too graphic to be displayed. They include wicked matches of Boggle, more eating, tennis with my shirt off (hot, I know), laughing every time I heard a Jamaican say 'wagwan', re-watching the last 6 episodes of this year's Sopranos and peeping about 10 movies I'd never admit liking, but I'll admit that I like them, like She's All That and and 3 Ninjas. I also sadly heard that Ken Jennings will be reborn, Kate Booosworth and NOT Cuthbert will play Lois Lane, there are no such thing as Team Zissou Adidas shoes (but you can make your own), Double V is trying to pass off this chick as the ThighMaster (via Spence), and of course, the peace the fork outings of Lennie 'Disco' Briscoe and too many of our human brethren in South East Asia. Goes to show you that we're at Mother Nature's mercy and wees all should be thankful to be alive in '05. Think positive kiddies. Did I mention that I sorta wanna be Howard Hughes when I grow up?
[via OmniLeo]
Oops, forgot to mention my in-flight movies, which help prove my theory that 98% of all in-flight movies are more awfuller than sharing a toothbrush with someone: Shark Tale, which I refused to watch, and Mr 3000, which was more formulaic, than Formula 1 Racing.
Drinking at least 8 Piña Coladas a day
Inhaling Jerk Chicken & Pork
ODing on Ginger Beer
Leprechaun Hunting
(just in case you didn't know,
this is what fire looks like)
Watch Father Thigh Master
Get Hit On By This Chef
Reading this umcredible Howard Hughes book
that was 70 zillion million billion thymes
more informative than The Aviator
whilst enjoying
the greenery
All the other pictures were too graphic to be displayed. They include wicked matches of Boggle, more eating, tennis with my shirt off (hot, I know), laughing every time I heard a Jamaican say 'wagwan', re-watching the last 6 episodes of this year's Sopranos and peeping about 10 movies I'd never admit liking, but I'll admit that I like them, like She's All That and and 3 Ninjas. I also sadly heard that Ken Jennings will be reborn, Kate Booosworth and NOT Cuthbert will play Lois Lane, there are no such thing as Team Zissou Adidas shoes (but you can make your own), Double V is trying to pass off this chick as the ThighMaster (via Spence), and of course, the peace the fork outings of Lennie 'Disco' Briscoe and too many of our human brethren in South East Asia. Goes to show you that we're at Mother Nature's mercy and wees all should be thankful to be alive in '05. Think positive kiddies. Did I mention that I sorta wanna be Howard Hughes when I grow up?
[via OmniLeo]
Oops, forgot to mention my in-flight movies, which help prove my theory that 98% of all in-flight movies are more awfuller than sharing a toothbrush with someone: Shark Tale, which I refused to watch, and Mr 3000, which was more formulaic, than Formula 1 Racing.
