Monday, February 28
Gwar & Remembrance
 |
- In a recent interview, Cuthy (HRT the II) reveals this about our private life, 'We actually had wax*. It was interesting and messy, but it was fun.' *'wax' is what we call banging against a wall whilst covered in Blue Crazeberry-flavored ChapStick®.
- Former Thighs-In-Law, Papa Lohan, is planning a reality TV-show about his upcoming divorce proceedings with estranged wife Dina. If it ever comes to fruition, it has a shot a beating Jonny Zero in the ratings.
- Don't fear, the Trainspotting sequel (aka Renton) is alive and well. Danny Boy Boyle is juss waiting for the original actors to look 'middle-aged'.
- Win an Oscar, live longer. But what will Hillary do when she outlives her beloveded Chad Lowe?
- Andy Rooney, please tell us how you feel about our past Presidents.
- Originality is dead. Check out one of The Trying Game's categories...
- I like vanilla more than chocolate.
- That'sJustNotRight.gross/NSFW [via Guns n Rosenthal]
- Play with me
- The Twerps may blow, but JJ's the one who's Redickulous(ly gay)! [via Ad Mich]
- Merry effin b-day to my boy Don Jon de Wannamaker. Now stop being so tall.
- I thought Lolo's Behrooz Shop was a great idea in theory, like communism. Too bad CafePress didn't agree and promptly closed their doors. I mean, who wouldn't want to rock a shirt like 'What Would Behrooz Do?' or this:
| Next Year They
Should Juss Call Em
The Beyonces
Predictability = the new boring
Me not choosing Sideways
for Best Adapted Screenplay =
General Scarecrops/Mr Pibbums wins Oscar Pool
Catalina Sandino Moreno =
Her Royal Thighness the III?
You could call our caliente romance...
Maria Full of The Thigh Master's Love Juice
or perhaps...
Sidney Lumet's daughter Amy(?)'s cazongas =
Her Royal Thighness the III & IV?
Sunday, February 27
And The Big Loser Is...
for mcnabbing 4 Razzies last night
including one for Worst Director
Jean-Christophe 'Rice Pitof' Comar
Other 'winners' of note were:
• Worst Musical of Our First 25 YEARS: From Justin To Kelly
• Worst Comedy of Our First 25 YEARS: Gigli
• Worst Drama of Our First 25 YEARS: Battlefield Earth
And don't you dare forget to sign up for my Oscar Pool/Help Thigh Master Get A iPod Fund! Remember, if you don't pay, you can't win. Therefore, if you signed up and haven't contacted me about payment (like a bunch of you yahoos), you butter do so OR ELSE!
Saturday, February 26
Nobody's Perfect
Friday, February 25
Non-US Wide Jokes.comorgtv
- Before my Thighs were Wide Shut, and even before my Non-US ladies were all Hottied up, I used to write quite a lot for my boys over at InsideJoke.TV. But now that I'm such a huge superstar blogjay, I have less and less time for my old compadres. However, I will never forgot all that they have done for me, like paying me in hamburgers, so I always throw back some love when I can. And my latest contribution is the most brilliant thing you've ever read that has the word 'gopher' in it. I present to you, my qwikie guide to winning your Oscar Pool: Million Dollar Maybes. Maybe it will even help yer chances of beating me in my pool, which u still need to sign up for (group id 'Thighs R Us', password 'cuthbert'). U can even PayPal me the $10 entry fee! How easy is that? And if I win, I promise I'll become like all the other cool people and get meself an iPod.
- Here's a pic of HRT the II with my giant boner stabone towering in the background. Big ups to my best friend Balthazar Getty who snapped this... although I'm so sick of him putting his name all up on his pics.
- How great was The OC lass noche? Peter Gallagher AND his eyebrows gettin into trouble, better girl on girl action, Spiderman refs, and the peace the fork outtings of two of my least flavorite characters, Lindsay & Zach! And I figure once Marissa's done with her whole lezzie phase, she may take on a whole new animal kingdom.
- Daddy Lohan claims his shenanigans have helped LL's career. Too bad it's another Michael that brought her this far... ME!!
- The teaser of Phil K Dick Linklater's A Scanner Darkly his online. Basically, if you liked Waking Life, yer gonna love this. [via The Bitch]
- Birdneck Paltrow and Chris Boring's love on the rocks? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (s)topp!!
- Things I never thought of doing til Peabs suggested it #5: watch 'The Bicycle Thief on 'ludes and kit kat while getting your ass Edvard Munched upon by Mark Fidrych...'
- Here's a pic of HRT the II with my giant boner stabone towering in the background. Big ups to my best friend Balthazar Getty who snapped this... although I'm so sick of him putting his name all up on his pics.
- How great was The OC lass noche? Peter Gallagher AND his eyebrows gettin into trouble, better girl on girl action, Spiderman refs, and the peace the fork outtings of two of my least flavorite characters, Lindsay & Zach! And I figure once Marissa's done with her whole lezzie phase, she may take on a whole new animal kingdom.
- Daddy Lohan claims his shenanigans have helped LL's career. Too bad it's another Michael that brought her this far... ME!!
- The teaser of Phil K Dick Linklater's A Scanner Darkly his online. Basically, if you liked Waking Life, yer gonna love this. [via The Bitch]
- Birdneck Paltrow and Chris Boring's love on the rocks? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (s)topp!!
- Things I never thought of doing til Peabs suggested it #5: watch 'The Bicycle Thief on 'ludes and kit kat while getting your ass Edvard Munched upon by Mark Fidrych...'
Thursday, February 24
24 Hour Party People
If you've never been to Europe (unlike me who's been running the joint since '98), you really haven't been to Europe. And playing Risk or Axis and Allies doesn't count. I mean, where else is one going to figure out how great we have it here without trekking outside of it? OK, I wouldn't call visiting the Old Country & Pannekoekenland roughing it, but I wouldn't call it Easy Street either. Did you know that napkins and ice cubes are a luxury over there, the way that hot towels at a restaurant are over here? And consider yerself lucky if you walk out of a restroom (aka loo or water closet) without diaper rash after taking a dump. I would have actually welcomed sand paper instead of the stuff they call toilet paper. And don't even get me started on television programming. Sure, they do have 20+ music video channels and some of the channels are commerish free, but doesn't everyone need a break when they're watching hours of snooker or EastEnders? Sounds like a horrible trip, right? Well, it was the eggzact opposite, cept our mighty dollar got me raped at every ATM. I don't think I had partied this hard since the Harding Administration. Instead of going into play-by-play mode, I'm going to take you there thru the magic of pictures (that are SFW). To hell with my bandwidth!! Maybe I will end up hustling for money in Thompkins Square Park after all!
London, England
Great Britain, United Kingdom
Fri the 18th - Mon the 21st of Feb
They use signs
JUST LIKE WE DO!
Brits will not hesitate to say 'my word'
if you look right instead of left
Can it be thighmasterly possible that I've been
devoid of this fine eatsiery for almost 7 years?
Open up and say YUM!
There aint nothing like throwing down £2.80 in the middle
of the day for beer that tastes great and is MORE filling
and don't even think about tipping the bartender!
Despite the warnings...
Me and my chum Paul..
continued to make our lungs
blacker than Michael Jackson
On with the touristy crap...
People pray here
I think they call it a 'church',
but don't ask me, I'm Jewish
This is the famed River Thames
His brother's name is Joaquin Thames
This former powerhouse station...
...now houses fine modern art.
How mod
Trafalgar Square is the eggzact
center of Central London
And is now almost close to
being rat-with-wings free!
Almost, you bastards
Piccadilly Circus is not a circus
or a pickle or a dilly, yo
It's juss like Times Square
where no one speaks English
The roads here have no rhyme or reason
And have curves as sweet
as Monica Bellucci
On with the debauchery...
This perfectly describes what I
became over a 48-hour period
If only Mike Skinner was
here to translate that for us
This is what a French person looks like
I hear he prefers Freedom Fries to french fries
This is what a typical English fridge contains
Who doesn't love the gas-o one
gets from the Old El Paso?
My weekend hosts
Leslie (the greatest actress in the world) & Paulos
And my new bestest friends*
*who by now have probably forgotten my name
Why am I so fat
Or why are they so darn skinny?
This is what vomit looks like in a urinal
Men are so cool
And when the pubs close at 10:30
You have no choice but to party
yer balls off at a club
Would you believe that I hung out with
both Kate Hudson AND Rhys Ifans?
[Jude Law and the Queen Mum not pictured]
What's Happening Now?
Good Times & nuttin but
What's next?
Get on the table and
we'll point at your crotch!
And there's always time to trim the hedges
Especially when yer phil rissottoxed!
I think it's time to call it a night
It's 6AM and I think my brain
gave up on me hours ago
Themorning early evening after
And no, I am not a member of the Lampe family
Amsterdam
Holland/The Netherlands
Disneyland For Adults/The Greatest Place On Earth
Mon the 21st - Tue the 22nd of Feb
Bike to the future
Oy vey, that was a horrible pun
Automatisch for the people
I gave myself a Dutch Oven while spoeltting
Off to Wagamama's
(which means 'selfish' in Japanese)
This is slightly better than
my mum's matzoh ball soup
So why again do they not have W'mamas in NYC?
This is where kids get vondelled
aka Neverland Ranch
This place used to be called Hooters
But I guess they were forced to change the name
Time 1nce again to become a culture vulture...
Off to The Rijksmuseum
for some Dutch Masters
And I aint talkin bout blunts neither
Then goghne to Vince's pad for the nth time
Be sure to get the audio tour and
listen to how the lady sez 'Arles'
And how could one forget one of the world's
best modern art museums, Het Stedelijk
Even my finger's shadow is handsome
I was too busy to get a hooker
Otherwise, I might have
had to think such thoughts
The day's winding down
What to do, what to do?
Nuff said
The next 4 hours were a total blur, but I think I inhaled a lot of things
When Stroopwafles Attack!
Which btw, are the world's most orgasmic snack
And meet up with our random
Dutch fans like Big Daaaaan!!
Who hadn't scarfed a pannenkoeken since he was a tyke!
I told him that Holland should revoke his citizenship
Ham & Cheese PANCAKE!
Kosher it is not,
redonkeylonkylicious it is
In any language...
I'm going to die
And they sure love their gummies
They even sell Jessicatandyden!
If I had any room left in my stomach
I would have at least had a slice at
Which is where NYC pizza started, duhvs!
Lest we forget, my fine city was once called New Amsterdam
And the last pic I took probably looks
a lot like what was in my stomach
before I puked my guts out
AND sprained my ankle!
This is where our story ends. I did forget to mention that I watched Shall We Dance on the plane. It was so crapawfullatta that I would have rather given myself 100 minutes worth of lemon swirlies in the lavatory. And what did we learn? EUROPE friggaderio rocks and I still have one of the most limited vocabularies of any blogger in the jiggasphere. Now all we have to do is figure a...
London, England
Great Britain, United Kingdom
Fri the 18th - Mon the 21st of Feb
JUST LIKE WE DO!
Brits will not hesitate to say 'my word'
if you look right instead of left
Can it be thighmasterly possible that I've been
devoid of this fine eatsiery for almost 7 years?
Open up and say YUM!
There aint nothing like throwing down £2.80 in the middle
of the day for beer that tastes great and is MORE filling
and don't even think about tipping the bartender!
Despite the warnings...
Me and my chum Paul..
continued to make our lungs
blacker than Michael Jackson
On with the touristy crap...
I think they call it a 'church',
but don't ask me, I'm Jewish
This is the famed River Thames
His brother's name is Joaquin Thames
This former powerhouse station...
...now houses fine modern art.
How mod
Trafalgar Square is the eggzact
center of Central London
And is now almost close to
being rat-with-wings free!
Almost, you bastards
Piccadilly Circus is not a circus
or a pickle or a dilly, yo
It's juss like Times Square
where no one speaks English
The roads here have no rhyme or reason
And have curves as sweet
as Monica Bellucci
On with the debauchery...
became over a 48-hour period
If only Mike Skinner was
here to translate that for us
This is what a French person looks like
I hear he prefers Freedom Fries to french fries
This is what a typical English fridge contains
Who doesn't love the gas-o one
gets from the Old El Paso?
My weekend hosts
Leslie (the greatest actress in the world) & Paulos
And my new bestest friends*
*who by now have probably forgotten my name
Why am I so fat
Or why are they so darn skinny?
This is what vomit looks like in a urinal
Men are so cool
And when the pubs close at 10:30
You have no choice but to party
yer balls off at a club
Would you believe that I hung out with
both Kate Hudson AND Rhys Ifans?
[Jude Law and the Queen Mum not pictured]
What's Happening Now?
Good Times & nuttin but
What's next?
Get on the table and
we'll point at your crotch!
And there's always time to trim the hedges
Especially when yer phil rissottoxed!
I think it's time to call it a night
It's 6AM and I think my brain
gave up on me hours ago
The
And no, I am not a member of the Lampe family
Amsterdam
Holland/The Netherlands
Disneyland For Adults/The Greatest Place On Earth
Mon the 21st - Tue the 22nd of Feb
Oy vey, that was a horrible pun
Automatisch for the people
I gave myself a Dutch Oven while spoeltting
Off to Wagamama's
(which means 'selfish' in Japanese)
This is slightly better than
my mum's matzoh ball soup
So why again do they not have W'mamas in NYC?
This is where kids get vondelled
aka Neverland Ranch
This place used to be called Hooters
But I guess they were forced to change the name
Time 1nce again to become a culture vulture...
for some Dutch Masters
And I aint talkin bout blunts neither
Then goghne to Vince's pad for the nth time
Be sure to get the audio tour and
listen to how the lady sez 'Arles'
And how could one forget one of the world's
best modern art museums, Het Stedelijk
Even my finger's shadow is handsome
I was too busy to get a hooker
Otherwise, I might have
had to think such thoughts
The day's winding down
What to do, what to do?
Nuff said
The next 4 hours were a total blur, but I think I inhaled a lot of things
Which btw, are the world's most orgasmic snack
And meet up with our random
Dutch fans like Big Daaaaan!!
Who hadn't scarfed a pannenkoeken since he was a tyke!
I told him that Holland should revoke his citizenship
Ham & Cheese PANCAKE!
Kosher it is not,
redonkeylonkylicious it is
In any language...
I'm going to die
And they sure love their gummies
They even sell Jessicatandyden!
If I had any room left in my stomach
I would have at least had a slice at
Which is where NYC pizza started, duhvs!
Lest we forget, my fine city was once called New Amsterdam
And the last pic I took probably looks
a lot like what was in my stomach
before I puked my guts out
AND sprained my ankle!
This is where our story ends. I did forget to mention that I watched Shall We Dance on the plane. It was so crapawfullatta that I would have rather given myself 100 minutes worth of lemon swirlies in the lavatory. And what did we learn? EUROPE friggaderio rocks and I still have one of the most limited vocabularies of any blogger in the jiggasphere. Now all we have to do is figure a...
Punky Brewster's Millions
- I used to have such a pre-pubescent hard on for Soleil Moon Frye, but alas, she reduced her boob size, seduced Kevin Arnold, and disappeared off the face of Uranus. While she hasn't pulled a full-on Barret Oliver, I hadn't seen a pic of her since the early days of the internerd. Anywho, aftering bumbing around on UseMyComputer, I found a few, and I muss say, I'm not too pleased with the 21st Century version. We aint talking reverse boner action here, where one's boner literally goes into the pelvis instead of out (like when I first saw Large Marge in Pee Wee's Big Ad), but she hasn't been keeping up with my joneses. Sure, the cleavage crease does raise my flag a bit, but there's juss something about her look these days that I can't put a penis on. Maybe she's too thin, or her hair's too black, or it could be the denim fetish, but I think it's time to bid her adieu for the rest of my life. I mean, look what became of that lil girl from Troop Beverly Hills! She's still riding down Hottie Lane. So what's your story Sun-Moon Fried? Peace the fork out.
- I wonder why Lohanski always thanks her family in speeches, but omits daddy's name when doing so? Maybe cause he threaten to kill all of them?
- Gawd bless the Oscars for being so dang classy. So dang classy in fact that they've barred Paris, Britney, and Pam from getting anywhere near them! This is an event for Kings and Queens, and even Princes.
- Speaking of her Royal Whoreness, were u wonderwomaning how dem hackers hacked into Paris' T-Mobile account? It really wasn't that difficult a task... hispecially since everyone knows the name of her dog.
- Revenge of the Sith image spoilers are up if you care. [via The D-Dubs]
- Belated b-day wishes to the world's greatest living actress.
- Love to dance AND fight for yer country? Well, apparently America is giving its soldiers ecstasy. Glow sticks not included. [via The Blur]
- Alvin Stardust, star-durst?
- Two heads are better than one? Probs not in this case.
- Anne Hathaway is fed up.
- Re-edit the clizzzasic Psycho shower scene. [via MetaFilts]
- Policeman Bribed With Burgers
- For the record, I have never hustled for money in Thompkins Square Park.
- And what's hottier than pics of Paris with Burt Reynolds? Pics of GIRLS EATING SANDWICHES!!! [via The Golden Child]
UPDATTTTTTTE: Moby to tour. Here be the dates thus far:
Mon 04/11/05 Norfolk, VA - The NorVa
Fri 04/15/05 Philadelphia, PA - Electric Factory
Sat 04/16/05 Boston, MA - Avalon
Tue 05/17/05 Manchester, UK - Carling Apollo Manchester
Wednesday, February 23
Take A Swim
In My Oscar Pool
 |
- Real-life OC porkers, Adam Brodes & Rachel Bill$ have been pleading with the show's writers to keep their characters apart. Then what's the point of even having the Summer character? And btw, who lives in her house? Seems like anyone can juss walk into her room unannounced. And if u didn't see it, The Sports Guy compares the first two seasons of The OC to 90210.
- Even Obi-Wan loathed Episode II.
- Halle Berry to attend the Razzies?
- Tony Kornheiser comes up with the single greatest reason why Laveranues Coles should leave DC: so his computer's spellcheck won't stop every time at his first name. And don't forget, T-K Stack Money and Wilbon will be appearing on Letterman this Thurs and then the deadly combo of Ricky Gervais and Rachael Ray on Fries. Thanks to Spence for the following...
- The modern-day KITT?
- Who's the latest and greeeediest Lohan of them all? Gran-ma-ma Lohan.
- Peace the FORK out to punter extraordinaire Reginald Roby & mummy-loving terrorist Navi Araz. This gif's for both of yous...
Tuesday, February 22
News To Me
What a long and strange binge it's been, but yer humble mumbler is back stateside and happy to return to the land of quality hamburgers and infotainment. I'll have a full up-wrap of my Eurotrip... juss as soon as I can remember what happened. But as 'they' say, the blog muss go on!!! Sorry if you've seen any of the below info before, but hey, it's Newzzz To Me.
- Where can you see Her Royal Thighness the II run in a sweaty white tee? Nope, not this season of 24, but what is sure to be this summer's hummer, The House of Wax. More like House of YES!! Too bad there's already a movie called that. Peep the BRAN new trailer here!
- Speaking of House of Arse, did you see Paris' NSFW camera phone pics yet? Neither did I til The Drunken Stepmaster brought them to my attention.
- Sideways is boosting sales of pinot noir. I wonder what tis doing to Merlot sales? Whatta ya say Miles?
- That fat kid dancing to the Romanian techno song isn't from Holland after all, but from dirty Jersey? [via Double D]
- My girl, Anna Chlumsky, apparently NOT smoking cak for nickels!! [via Dog of Landers]
- The Saturday Night Fever disco dancefloor is going up for auction. If Gene Siskel were still breathing, you think he would have snatched it up to go along with his prized possession: Tony Manero's in-famous white suit?
- Twats slightly more funnierisitic than Ghost Dad? The National Women's Football Association. Big ups to ex-Skin Brian Mitchell for being named as the Assistant GM of my new mos flavorite team, the DC Divas! [via Juwanamaker]
- How many segments do you think eggisist of Andy Rooney complaing about adverts? Dunno, but lettuce juss say it's more than one.
- Belated Peace The Forkage outtage to Twin Peaks' man who pretended to be forked the peace out, Andrew Packard, and the crash-test dummy inventor (and no, not of the 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' variety)
- 70s & 80s Hand Held Arcade Games
- Ukulele Books
- In news that I'm sure would even make Michael Jackson sick to his stomach: A 2 year-old girl has been selected to marry a 40 year-old man! [via Guns n Rosenthal]
- Who can turn a proper noun into a verb like it was nobody's Better Business Bureau? Why, Peabs of course who 'has been one to spasm-jasm my spyro-gyra into Elmira's coffee (she takes it black; muhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) and shat toffee into David Klingler's Debra Winger.'
And although it's closer to this Friday than last...
- Where can you see Her Royal Thighness the II run in a sweaty white tee? Nope, not this season of 24, but what is sure to be this summer's hummer, The House of Wax. More like House of YES!! Too bad there's already a movie called that. Peep the BRAN new trailer here!
- Speaking of House of Arse, did you see Paris' NSFW camera phone pics yet? Neither did I til The Drunken Stepmaster brought them to my attention.
- Sideways is boosting sales of pinot noir. I wonder what tis doing to Merlot sales? Whatta ya say Miles?
- That fat kid dancing to the Romanian techno song isn't from Holland after all, but from dirty Jersey? [via Double D]
- My girl, Anna Chlumsky, apparently NOT smoking cak for nickels!! [via Dog of Landers]
- The Saturday Night Fever disco dancefloor is going up for auction. If Gene Siskel were still breathing, you think he would have snatched it up to go along with his prized possession: Tony Manero's in-famous white suit?
- Twats slightly more funnierisitic than Ghost Dad? The National Women's Football Association. Big ups to ex-Skin Brian Mitchell for being named as the Assistant GM of my new mos flavorite team, the DC Divas! [via Juwanamaker]
- How many segments do you think eggisist of Andy Rooney complaing about adverts? Dunno, but lettuce juss say it's more than one.
- Belated Peace The Forkage outtage to Twin Peaks' man who pretended to be forked the peace out, Andrew Packard, and the crash-test dummy inventor (and no, not of the 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' variety)
- 70s & 80s Hand Held Arcade Games
- Ukulele Books
- In news that I'm sure would even make Michael Jackson sick to his stomach: A 2 year-old girl has been selected to marry a 40 year-old man! [via Guns n Rosenthal]
- Who can turn a proper noun into a verb like it was nobody's Better Business Bureau? Why, Peabs of course who 'has been one to spasm-jasm my spyro-gyra into Elmira's coffee (she takes it black; muhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) and shat toffee into David Klingler's Debra Winger.'
And although it's closer to this Friday than last...
Monday, February 21
Fear & Forking
The Peace Out In Vega$
Juss cause I'm in Amsterdamage, doesn't mean I can neglect my blogbligation...
Hunter S. Thompson
Write In Peace Dr. Fozzie!
1937 - 2005
&
Look @ Me
I'm
Sandra Dee
1942 - 2005
Sorry that Keyser Soze made a whorerrific biopic about yer husband and cast Kate Boozeworth to play you. Anywho, to be honest Sandy, since this is probably the last time we'll ever speak, I always wanted to tell you that I was a huge fan of The New Gidget ('86-88), which didn't even star you. The new Gidget, Caryn Richman, and her screen daughter, Sydney Penny, double-handedly got me thru my early stages of puberty (ages 9-11).
Write In Peace Dr. Fozzie!
1937 - 2005
&
Look @ Me
I'm
Sandra Dee
1942 - 2005
Sorry that Keyser Soze made a whorerrific biopic about yer husband and cast Kate Boozeworth to play you. Anywho, to be honest Sandy, since this is probably the last time we'll ever speak, I always wanted to tell you that I was a huge fan of The New Gidget ('86-88), which didn't even star you. The new Gidget, Caryn Richman, and her screen daughter, Sydney Penny, double-handedly got me thru my early stages of puberty (ages 9-11).
Thursday, February 17
Peace The Spork Out
Aight kiddies, I'm off for a brief, albeit well needed, jaunt to the Old Country + Pannekoekenland. In the meantime, there will be no guest bloggers, so you'll either have to sift thru dem Thighs Wide Archives or visit one of our many comrades until Twosday. And if I play my cards right, hopefully I'll be able to cross Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange off my list of things I need. Viddy well my droogan brothers.
Thighs Wide Movies 2004
But We Go To Heleven
 |
2) Hotel Rwanda
3) Million $$$ Baby
4) Closer
5) The Woodsman
6) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
7) Vera Drake
8) Napoleon Dynamite
9) Dig!
10) The Incredibles
11) Mayor of Sunsetstrip
Honorable Mentions: Harry Pots 3, Spidey 2, Ray, Kinsey, Mean Girls, Finding Neverland, Collateral, Valentin
Movie Awards
They Coulda Been A Contender
A Very Long Engagement &
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
How Is It Possible
That They Were Entertaining?
The Terminal & I, Robot
The Julia Roberts
Please Stop Acting Award
Reese Witherspoon &
Vince Vaughn
Best Tween Movie Not Starring
Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff
none
Biggest Tainting/Dicktease
On The Kingdom of Thighland
The Girl Next Door
Bestestist Dakota Fanning Movie
Man On Fire
Bestestist Movie Featuring
Dakota Fanning's Lil Sis Elle
The Door In The Floor
The Samuel L Jackson Award
For Most Overused Actor (tie)
Don Cheadle & Jude Law,
with 6 movies each
Narliest Soundtrack
The Duke Blue Devils Most Overhyped
Wine Drinking Movie Award
Sideways
The Gus van Sant
Most Pretentious/Wurstest Movie
Co-Starring Method Man
of the Year Award
Garden Stale
Most Overlooked Movies of 2004 That Were
In Theaters 8 Seconds Longer Than 8 Seconds
We Don't Live Here Anymore
Dig!
Code 46
The Emma Watson Future-Hotness Award
Emily Browning
Best Movies I Netlixed
Zardoz
Ali G Indahouse
THX 1138
Star 80
Harold and Maude
In This World &
Day for Night
Sweetest Napoleon Dynamite Line
'How much you wanna make
a bet I can throw a football
over them mountains?'
- Uncle Rico
M Night Shamalamadingdong's
BratWurstest Twist of The Year
conning $114,195,633 out
of the American public
The Death to Smoochy Award
for Worstest Picture
of the Year (tie)
Beyond The Sea/Watchable
Van Helsucks
The Stepford Wives &
HellBoo
Movies To Look For in 2005
I, Gyromite
Super-Giraffe: The Movie
4 Fast, 4 Furious
Sky Captain vs The Day After Tomorrow
The Life Auto With Joe Isuzu
Nailing The Girl Next Door In The Floor
Check out what we thought of stuff in 2003 & 2002, pre TWS.org stizz.
Wednesday, February 16
He Who Giraffes Last
Giraffes Bestestiest
 |
- Kevy Federline's debut album to be produced by Michael Bolton? And unfortch, we aint talkin bout this Michael Bolton.
- George Michael to retire? Damn, I was hoping it was this George Michael. Related Thigh Master Lore: I interned at the Sports Machine for one whole day before quitting. I mean, there was no way that I was going to be forced to watch baseball games all summer long. Cumstain to think of it, I think Navi helped me get that ship of intern. Sorry for wasting yer time ole buddy.
- Big ups to Brian Mitchell, for pulling an Art Monk.
- CBGB Goodbye-e?
- Look, I'm filled with udder glee that los Twerps swept Duke this year, but I wouldn't even let Hitler eating a watermelon wear this sorry eggsuse for a tee.
-
- Pardon the Eruption, the closest thing to a PTI blog as we're gonna get.
- The Many Moods of Mischa Barton [via GirlHattie]
- Buddy Rich vs The Muppets' Animal. [via Double Vskiers]
- Green Day-Oasis-Travis-Eminem
- AFRIColA: the commercials! [via BJNewms]
- Play Rod Strickland's Match Game.
- Thighs Wide Shut?
- OK, so maybe Nancy O'Brills is too much of a geezer to sit on my thrown and perform the daily rusty trombones that I require, but what about this up and (makesme)cummer that the DV boys spankfully brought to my attention... Lucy 'In The Thighs w/Diamonds' Pinder? Could someone kindly tell me what her face looks like cause I'm a lil too busy peeping at her Slippery von Yummyyams.
Mmm... Sacrilicious
[much love to Pinky]
- Amazon's got the eggsclusive Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trailer. That's mos def not going to be too darn good.
- Thighspotted with me own eyes: James Gandolfini having a qwik drink at the dumphole 7B, before riding off on a motorcycle, and the ever sexy Anderson Cooper going to work this morning at the AOL-Time-Warner building. Btw, when did hosting The Mole qualify you for a top desk job at CNN?
- Even Duke's student newspaper agrees, today's Cameron Crazies suck and are unoriginal. I blame the free iPods that incoming Frosh get. [via Truth About Duke]
- George Lucas to cameo in Ep III as Baron Papanoida. [via AICN]
- Gorillaz' new jounks finally has a name: Demon Days.
- Spanks the good Lord that the Swingers sequel was scrapped. Too bad what we got instead was the poopa-a-thon known as Made. Remember that movie? Neither do I.
- New York City Walk
- Apparently Uncle G-Funk doesn't love me anymore.
- This guy gives great head... lines.
- NSFW [SFWness via Tony's CPU]
- Yummy [via Newbsy]
- If there was ever a movie about a super-giraffe, would you go and see it? It wouldn't be awfulistic like that talking racing zebra garbage. In fact, the super-giraffe's neck would be so long that he'd help NASA look for planets and such in the thing above the sky called space. He'd also pen a screenplay and when his producer asks for a 'first draft' our animal friend gets confused cause he thinks he's saying 'first giraffe'. If that doesn't whet yer kazzo, what about an Aquaman movie?
pee es- giraffes RULE!
Tuesday, February 15
I Guess That's
Why They Call It
The Behrooz
- Newly single Katie Holmes coming to a Thigh Master near you? So sayeth The Fid Diddler.
- Rodney Roo prefers to donkey doo doo his Portia De Rossi all over his Bob Fosses. Be that as it may, it doesn't even f$%king compare to the amount of flunitrazepam I gave Cito Gaston last night, just to get a taste of his hot Toronto Blue Jay? So sayeth the Peabs!
- Speaking of, what do Portia de Rossi and Drea de Matteo have in common besides having a 'de' in between their names? They both enjoy sipping from the furry cup.
- Her Former Royal Thighness, LL, is such a doll. And now, a real doll, complete with a beige dress with faux-fur-trimmed coat, a director's chair, and a velvet rope. Perhaps if the doll becomes a success, they'll release a 'bad girl' edition complete with g-string, nip-slip dress, and a bottle of Jim. [via Trent Lotts]
- Franz Ferdinand: THE SODA!
- Where's your head at Astralwerks?
- Handsome Boy Modeling School hit the road.
- From the looks of this pic, I bet Mark McRoidsinthebuttviaCanseco can bench at least a 135. [via Guns n Rosenthal]
- Seriously, how did Oasis sell out MSG? Did Liam buy 2,445 tickets for his ego and 1 for his unibrow?
- Paris Hilton has so many tough choices to make.
- Bid on Damon Albarn's 12-piece sofa.
- IU rules. Take part in their Condom Fit & Feel Study.
- A six-legged frog has been found at a restaurant in China. Take a lick.
- While this bottom spot is usually dedicated to HRT the II, I decided to give her the day off so her boobs can grow ever larger! But I also wanted to give some love to a possible heir to the thrown, Nancy O'Brills. I mean, she already possesses two qualities that makes yer humble mumbler squeeze with ease: she's blonde AND doesn't fear rocking the side-boobage in public places. The following pic was from the SAG Awards. And honey, if you need help with the sagging, I'll be yer Dildo Baggins.
Monday, February 14
Melissa Joan Hart Surgery
Me juss wanted to send out a special I HEART YOU to the sweetest darn thang in all of Thighland, Mrs Elisha Cuthbert-Thigh Master The II. Without you, none of this would be possible. I'd also probably have only 4 readers. And merry B-Day to Kid Kadoji!
[pics via The Double V]
- For those of you rolling solo like Han on V-Day, here's a special treat: every famous person's Playboy pictorial, from Le Femme Nikita, to Old Blue Eyes' daughter, to Mike Tyson's punching bag, and even to a very scary/hairy Madgedonna. Enjizz Enjoy! [via ONTD]
- And if you need tips on how best toenjoy enjizz the above haz matz, let the Druken Stepfather be yer guide.
- Not a good day if yer a fan of the NHL or Jeff Gaycia.
- WHY GAWD WHY did you allow someone to make an American/bastardized version of the The Office? Watch many a painful clips here. The agony begins Thursday March 24th @ 9:30. So much for much for must see TV. More like, muss pee on my TV when I see these shows TV!! [via ONTD, again]
- I often wonder if PG County Police have a whole division dedicated to Twerp fans.
- ABBA reunite publicly for the first time in almost 20 years! Too bad that not even a billion dollars could get them into those umcredible white outfits again.
- I love when pornos are disguised as 'films' and have killer soundtracks. Case in point, Michael Winterbottom's 9 Songs. [via A-Baby]
- Jerri Blank stars in the one of the least sexiest photo shoots I've ever seen. Good times, good times. [via Clevetown Mustard King]
- Could you imagine sitting next to Andy Rooney at the Super Bowl?
- Uri Geller bends spoons and kids over in support of Jacko.
- Jack Osbourne wants to become a NYC fireman. I guess he's looking for something a lil bit more challenging than his guest spot on Dawson's Creek. [via Superfish]
- Mary-Kate & ET, bitched @ Swirth. [via Cpt Cum]
- Peace the fork out to Dick Weber, a guy who loved shiny balls.
- Justin Case you didn't know, Cewebrity is back! Some might say butter than ever!
- My Creepy Valentine
- Renee Pufferfish & Jack Paleface, and Kate Boringsworth & Orlando Borefest all back together again? Enuff already. I swear this is the last posting about either of these couples. Anywhozitz, their offspring would look something along the lines of this:
[pics via The Double V]
 |
- And if you need tips on how best to
- Not a good day if yer a fan of the NHL or Jeff Gaycia.
- WHY GAWD WHY did you allow someone to make an American/bastardized version of the The Office? Watch many a painful clips here. The agony begins Thursday March 24th @ 9:30. So much for much for must see TV. More like, muss pee on my TV when I see these shows TV!! [via ONTD, again]
- I often wonder if PG County Police have a whole division dedicated to Twerp fans.
- ABBA reunite publicly for the first time in almost 20 years! Too bad that not even a billion dollars could get them into those umcredible white outfits again.
- I love when pornos are disguised as 'films' and have killer soundtracks. Case in point, Michael Winterbottom's 9 Songs. [via A-Baby]
- Jerri Blank stars in the one of the least sexiest photo shoots I've ever seen. Good times, good times. [via Clevetown Mustard King]
- Could you imagine sitting next to Andy Rooney at the Super Bowl?
- Uri Geller bends spoons and kids over in support of Jacko.
- Jack Osbourne wants to become a NYC fireman. I guess he's looking for something a lil bit more challenging than his guest spot on Dawson's Creek. [via Superfish]
- Mary-Kate & ET, bitched @ Swirth. [via Cpt Cum]
- Peace the fork out to Dick Weber, a guy who loved shiny balls.
- Justin Case you didn't know, Cewebrity is back! Some might say butter than ever!
- My Creepy Valentine
- Renee Pufferfish & Jack Paleface, and Kate Boringsworth & Orlando Borefest all back together again? Enuff already. I swear this is the last posting about either of these couples. Anywhozitz, their offspring would look something along the lines of this:
Sunday, February 13
International House
of Flying Pancakes
House of Flying Daggers
or it's original name House of Flying Dizzles
View Trailer
I never saw that Jet Li movie Hero, but I bet if you cut off pieces from that and poured it into a bowl already filled with minced Crouching Tiger, Hidden Tiger, you'd get something that resembles House of Flying Daggers... or perhaps House of Crouching Heroes and Flying Tigers... which could actually pass for a new attraction on Ringling Bros' circus. Anywayzits, that's sorta how I felt watching the Haus of Dazzling Daggers & Practical Jokes. Mos def a gorgeous film to watch, with a franztastic name, but haven't I seen all this people flying from trees junk before? And is there some sorta shortage of Chinese actressesess under the age of 30 or does Zhang Ziyi juss get every role of hot Chinese chick that is mad hot AND can fly AND handle a sword? Wait, what the gordie le forge am I talkin' bout? I'd pay to see any movie where Zhang Ziyi is either a) holding long shafts, b) refusing to smile, c) wearing men's clothing, d) dick teasing all of the male characters, e) dick teasing all of the male (and lesbian) audience by only showing us her bare back, or f) starring in the movie. Ya see, Zhang Ziyi is not only one of the world's finestestest NonUsHotties, but she's worth the price of admission to any flick she's in. If they ever decide to put her umcredible body on display at The Met (I guess as part of some 'Asian Hotties' eggzibit), my suggested donation would be ten zillion trillion dollars. And if some sushi place hired her body out and put sushi all over that there fine body, I'd build a second penis and use them both as chopsticks to take some tuna rolls... off of her tuna. She has not only stolen my money, but my heart as well. She juss may end up being the first non-white Royal Thighness. Watch yer back Cuthblurt!! Or learn how to handle a sword and fly from trees and tease men with yer back!!
Recommended for those who like: the Wright Brothers, Vermont foliage, and flying dizzles.
Unsatisfied with this? Watch the damn Kikkoman thingie.
Proof
Not At All Formulaic
No Trailer Available @ Press Time
Lucky is me who got to see such an early screening of this flick so no other critics' reviews can influence my opinion. Why? Cause there are no reviews! Snot only dat, but there isn't even an American release date set yet... unless you count Argentina as part of America. OK, enuff about how cool I am (mucho gra$$y-a$$ to Big Bad Bogsly), and lettuce break out our red pens and grade this math test movie. This movie has Oscar glory written all over it, based on the cast and crew. It's directed by John Madden (of Shakespeare in Love fame, not MNF) and is based on the hit play by David Auburn about a genius mathematician (Hannibal Lecter) who starts to lose it in his old age. He's taken care of by his daughter (Apple Martin's mum, bird-neck Paltrow) who in turn shares some of her father's traits: being brizz-ainy/crizz-zazzy. When the old man dies, Paltrow's sister (the EVER succulent Hope Davis) comes to town to whisk her away before she follows in papa's footsteps to the loony bin. Also, one of Hannibal's former students (Donnie Darko) starts digging thru his papers (the papers) in search of some Holy Grail of mathematics (or as British people call it, 'maths'). Paltrow lets her guard down (as well as her panties) to Darko (maybe cause he loves bunnies so much... so don't u dare call this movie Rabbit-Proof Fence) and reveals to him a mathematical proof that could change the world. STEP OFF PYTHAGORAS!! Too bad Hope & Darko don't bee leave her for a second that she could've come up with it and attribute the work to the late and great Dr Lecter instead. The rest of the movie deals with proving the proof. IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME SORT OF PROOF!! Oh the drama!! Seriously, who woulda thunk that a play/movie about math could be so engaging? It's hard not to be when the cast is as stellar as a bottle of Stella Artois. And unlike some plays that made the jump to the big screen, it doesn't come off as being too stagy. Supposedly this movie could have been released this past December as Oscar bait, but Mirabest held it back. I don't know what will be (or has been) retooled, but come next year Gwenie and David Auburn (scriptness) could be blessed with Oscar noms. And the formula works for me: Paltrow + Hope Davis divided by Darko = A Muss Sea.
Recommended for those who like: O'Hare Airport, Margot Tenenbaum, and Darko's eyebrows and facial hair.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix A Beautiful Mind.
Rory O'Shea Was Here
Hot Wheels
View Trailer
This movie was begging for me to see it. First of all, I saw the trailer 2,31475,1,6472 times in the theater, and plus it looked like a guaranteed tear-jerker, which as you all have learned, is what Thigh Master loves best (go ahead, call me Mr Softee!) Well, I'm sad to report that a movie about a Duchenne muscular dystrophy and a cerebral palsy-stricken pair of wheelchair-bound buddies striving for an independent lifestyle in Ireland didn't make me shed one single tear! A lot critics have been calling it "manipulative and predictable" (maybe the title gives away what happens to Rory), but I say, who gives a flying fork??? Sure, the emotion and charm was laid on thick, but it kept me from checking the time on my watch (er, um, cell phone. You see, Thigh Master never wears a watch) and that's always a good sign. Sure, the script aint My Left Foot, but it aint Suck My Left Testicle either. The movie is carried on the backs of the three principle actors, the spirited James McAvoy, the beautiful Romola Garai, and the brilliant Steven Robertson. Sometimes it's alright not to cry, hispecially if you're too busy smiling.
Recommended for those who like: Mike Utley (again, sorry), Johnny Cash's 'Hurt', and something not starring Vin Diesel as a nanny.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Commitments.
Nobody Knows
The Japanese Lord of the Flies?
View Trailer
Once hagain, I thought I found a perfect movie that would send me digging for Kleenex (not in a sexual way, ala Mean Girls). Instead, this tale about 4 precious kids (ages 12-5) forced to fend for themselves after they were basically abandoned by their mother, almost sent me to snoozeland. After watching what I had thought was an hour of the flick was only 1/2 hour, after checking my watch (see above). That got me all in a hizzy tizzy, hispecially since there was another 111 minutes left!! Talk about a snail's pace people! Yikes! Unlike Rory, this movie has been given Arcade Firesque like buzz. I juss don't see it. Sure, the subject matter is harrowing, but mainstream audiences will be bored to tears. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about cause I don't have any kids, but if I was married and my wife forced me into seeing this, I might abandon her! Hey, nobody who knows?
Recommended for those who like: Ramen noodles, Japanese girls in sailor-suits, and actresses named after pronouns with high-pitched voices.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kids.
Coach Carter
Hoosiers Meets Stand & Deliver
View Trailer
What more do you need to know? If you enjoyed Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver, you'll like this. DUHVS!
Recommended for those who like: Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.
Hide and Seek & Boogeyman
Do They Even Try Making Good Horror Movies Anymore?
View H&S Trailer and Boogey Trailer
Lets cut to the chase here. Hide and Seek had the potential to be a good, but floundered in the third act, while Boogeyman was straight-up microwaved tunafish burning on a pile of dog poo complete with bearded-women pubic hair. I can see why H & S hit the box office jackpot on its opening weekend (cause Dakota Fanning is a bigger draw these days than DeNiro), but Boogeyman? You people have got to be ashamed of yerselves. I'm even ashamed at myself and my mother who dragged me to go see it, cause my pops is too much of a wuss to see scary movies. I'm even going to do you all a huge favor which will guarantee that you won't ever see either of them: reveal their endings. In H & S, Fanning's imaginary friend turns out to be DeNiro who has a split personality. Along the way, he killed Fanning's mum (his wife) and Elisabeth Shue (don't tell mom that the adventures in babysitting’s babysitter is dead). And in Boogeyman, our hero, isn't crazy after all. It really was the Boogeyman who sucked his father into a closet oh those years ago!! Not only that, but he gets rid of the Boogeyman for good by sitting in a special chair and destroying random pieces of crap in his room. Or did he get rid of them? Rumors are abound about a sequel. Gawd help us all.
Recommended for those who like: having 3 hours of their lives wasted, having your intelligence insulted, and crap on a stick (not to be confused with Pizza In A Cup).
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real horror movie like the two best Psycho or The Shining.
And thus concludes another set of reviews. As promised, once I posted about Flying Dizzles I would be able to complete my Thighs Wide Movies 2004 report. Look for it and other Oscar goodies in the next couple of weeks, in the meantime...
Mental Rental Wround-Up
- We Don't Live Here Anymore (trailer) AND Code 46 (trailer) are THE most overlooked movies of '04. I yearned and urinated to see them both in theaters, but both were gone quicker than you can say 'flizzle my lefty driesell in the house of flying dizzle with my be-dazzler™'. Wow, I was one 'Dizzee Rascal' away from copyright infringement on the great Peabs' prose. I mean, who wouldn't want to see a movie where Mick Jones karaokes to The Clash (Code) or where Naomi Watts gets railed against a wall (Live Here)?
- The repairing of my flavs Miranda Otto and Rhys Ifans in the romantic comedy Danny Deckchair(trailer) was purty darn adorable, but nothing on the scale of Oliver Barrett in anything/D.A.R.Y.L. (trailer).
- The Forgotten (trailer) was not forgettable, and neither was seeing Mimi Rogers' bazongas or Kim Basinger getting plunked in the butty in The Door In The Floor (trailer), but usually the movies that are bestest are older and foreign. Thus, I highly recommended Wong Kar-Wai's moody In The Mood For Love (trailer), Alec Guinness playing 8 roles in the delightful Ealing Studios comedy Kind Hearts and Coronets (trailer), and French-fried caper Bob Le Flambeur, which was remade into the hugely enjoyable flick starring Nick Nolte, The Good Thief (trailer).
Until next time, the balcony is clothed.
or it's original name House of Flying Dizzles
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: the Wright Brothers, Vermont foliage, and flying dizzles.
Unsatisfied with this? Watch the damn Kikkoman thingie.
Proof
Not At All Formulaic
No Trailer Available @ Press Time
 |
Recommended for those who like: O'Hare Airport, Margot Tenenbaum, and Darko's eyebrows and facial hair.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix A Beautiful Mind.
Rory O'Shea Was Here
Hot Wheels
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: Mike Utley (again, sorry), Johnny Cash's 'Hurt', and something not starring Vin Diesel as a nanny.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Commitments.
Nobody Knows
The Japanese Lord of the Flies?
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: Ramen noodles, Japanese girls in sailor-suits, and actresses named after pronouns with high-pitched voices.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kids.
Coach Carter
Hoosiers Meets Stand & Deliver
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.
Hide and Seek & Boogeyman
Do They Even Try Making Good Horror Movies Anymore?
View H&S Trailer and Boogey Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: having 3 hours of their lives wasted, having your intelligence insulted, and crap on a stick (not to be confused with Pizza In A Cup).
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real horror movie like the two best Psycho or The Shining.
And thus concludes another set of reviews. As promised, once I posted about Flying Dizzles I would be able to complete my Thighs Wide Movies 2004 report. Look for it and other Oscar goodies in the next couple of weeks, in the meantime...
Mental Rental Wround-Up
- We Don't Live Here Anymore (trailer) AND Code 46 (trailer) are THE most overlooked movies of '04. I yearned and urinated to see them both in theaters, but both were gone quicker than you can say 'flizzle my lefty driesell in the house of flying dizzle with my be-dazzler™'. Wow, I was one 'Dizzee Rascal' away from copyright infringement on the great Peabs' prose. I mean, who wouldn't want to see a movie where Mick Jones karaokes to The Clash (Code) or where Naomi Watts gets railed against a wall (Live Here)?
- The repairing of my flavs Miranda Otto and Rhys Ifans in the romantic comedy Danny Deckchair(trailer) was purty darn adorable, but nothing on the scale of Oliver Barrett in anything/D.A.R.Y.L. (trailer).
- The Forgotten (trailer) was not forgettable, and neither was seeing Mimi Rogers' bazongas or Kim Basinger getting plunked in the butty in The Door In The Floor (trailer), but usually the movies that are bestest are older and foreign. Thus, I highly recommended Wong Kar-Wai's moody In The Mood For Love (trailer), Alec Guinness playing 8 roles in the delightful Ealing Studios comedy Kind Hearts and Coronets (trailer), and French-fried caper Bob Le Flambeur, which was remade into the hugely enjoyable flick starring Nick Nolte, The Good Thief (trailer).
Until next time, the balcony is clothed.
What Rivalry?
Good Guys 99, Bad Guys 92
Seriously, what is the deli-o w/Shelden Williams' head?
Saturday, February 12
Orange You Glad
I Didn't Post About
The Gates?
Whoops!
Gawd, I love NYC.
How could I ever live anywhere else?*
*besides the Kingdom of Thighland, My Parent's Basement, or perhaps Uranus
Gawd, I love NYC.
How could I ever live anywhere else?*
*besides the Kingdom of Thighland, My Parent's Basement, or perhaps Uranus
Places To Eat
B4 U Die
I think it was about time to retire this list from the left side, but you'll always be able to access it, need you places to eat... b4 you die.*
Jakob's
Popeyes
Big Nick's
Houston's
Fatburger
Ledo Pizza
The Varsity
Wagamama
Nicola Pizza
Rendezvous
Grotto Pizza
H & H Bagels
Buffalo Joe's
Corner Bistro
Pizza Express
Waffle House
Lou Malnati's
Steak n' Shake
Rally's/Checkers
Hard Times Cafe
The 2nd Ave Deli
Roscoe's House of
Chicken & Waffles
Gus's Fried Chicken
The Pancake Bakery
Peanut Butter & Co.
Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too
Claudia Sanders' Dinner House
* By the way, death is something that is never funny. In fact, a dear family friend, Gloria, died last night. She was one of the sweetest and nicest women I had ever met. We'll all miss you dearly.
Jakob's
Popeyes
Big Nick's
Houston's
Fatburger
Ledo Pizza
The Varsity
Wagamama
Nicola Pizza
Rendezvous
Grotto Pizza
H & H Bagels
Buffalo Joe's
Corner Bistro
Pizza Express
Waffle House
Lou Malnati's
Steak n' Shake
Rally's/Checkers
Hard Times Cafe
The 2nd Ave Deli
Roscoe's House of
Chicken & Waffles
Gus's Fried Chicken
The Pancake Bakery
Peanut Butter & Co.
Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too
Claudia Sanders' Dinner House
* By the way, death is something that is never funny. In fact, a dear family friend, Gloria, died last night. She was one of the sweetest and nicest women I had ever met. We'll all miss you dearly.
Friday, February 11
Arthur 2: On The Rocks
Untitled #1
I would have liked to start off today's thingieamabob with a pic of Marissa smooching Alex from last noche's The O.C., but A) after all this build up (read: dick teaseapalooza), the kiss was just a kiss and B) the losers who normally post screencaps of the show are being lazy. Anywho, next week's show looks hottier than Catherine-Zeta-Jones-McDonald-Douglas eating herself out on Mercury. If I were as flylicious as Kirsten Cohen, I'd also call the Feds on my husband's ex-lover. YOU GO GIRL!!!
- While Strangers With Candy is the mooovie I'm looking fwd to the mostest this year, the forthcoming album that's making me jizz from the mouth in anticipation is the Gorillaz' next jounks. And my mouth will continue to spew semen cause I juss heard the newest track 'Dirty Harry' posted by THE MAN, no not Tony Almeida, Stereohotness. What's even butter, is that that track features bits from the brills 'I Need A Gun', off of Damon Albarn's limited released solo album Democrazy, which he recorded in hotels whilst on tour last ano.
- Debbie Gibson has gotten such a bum rap over the years. And after looking at this NSFW pic, I'd love to rap her bum for the years to cum. [via Trent Lotts]
- Q: What's the greatestest news investigation series by a local TV station of the 2000s? A: This one set up by KCTV to lure pedophiles to a house where they think they're meeting up with 14-year-old fresh meat, but instead are greeted by the news crew. Now that's what we call Perverted Justice! [major big ups to Mr Blagg for that]
- Her Former Royal Thighness made a return trip to the hospital complaining of chest pains. Poor girl, I guess she didn't know that getting tittybanging by a different 28+-year-old each night is not good for the mammies.
- I guess Jacko won't be dreaming a little dream or standing by Corey Feldman for much longer. Does that make CF one of the lost boys?
- I've always wanted to attend Church. And by 'attend' I mean see what her vocal chords are jason capel-able of handling. And by that, I mean, 'Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz'.
- What's booer than boo-urns? The bastardages who moved the intimate April Fiery Furnaces show from the Bowery B-rules to Webster Hall. I guess that means I'll probably fall asleep, again. Man, I wish I was single again.
- Hitler still receives fan mail... even 60 years after dying. Speaking of Der Jerka$$, what ever happened to the rest of his familia?
- Kite festivals can and WILL kill! [via Big Daddy Rich]
- Who coined the phrase, "to coin a phrase"?
- Why does TMNT Porn eggsist? I mean this is almost as risgusting as the stuff I work with! [NSFWness via The DW Griffins]
- Were you sick of my pal Navi/The I-Train's links and love of Duke basketball? Well, dude finally gots himself his own blog to post his haste. Beware, he's a newbie and there are no pictures up as of yet. You've been warned. G-luck Potomac's flavorite son.
- The internerd moves fast. Case in point: there's already a pseudo-half-arsed-sequel to that fat Dutch kid rocking out to Romanian techno. [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- Can yous bee leave that the top prize in this weekend's Grilled-Cheese eating contest is only $3.5 K? That won't even begin to cover the champs' Pebto and therapy sessions. [via The Brawny One]
- France sucks, and their people are hella lame.
- You'll never be alone again with IntelliBuddy
- Felt Donuts
- The Cursor Thief
- Yer Thighness, this yer last warning (mos certainly not yer last spanking), but if you go out in public again looking like a Kabuki theater player, I may have to dump you for good (although I will still take dumps on you cause I know you likes it!).
- While Strangers With Candy is the mooovie I'm looking fwd to the mostest this year, the forthcoming album that's making me jizz from the mouth in anticipation is the Gorillaz' next jounks. And my mouth will continue to spew semen cause I juss heard the newest track 'Dirty Harry' posted by THE MAN, no not Tony Almeida, Stereohotness. What's even butter, is that that track features bits from the brills 'I Need A Gun', off of Damon Albarn's limited released solo album Democrazy, which he recorded in hotels whilst on tour last ano.
- Debbie Gibson has gotten such a bum rap over the years. And after looking at this NSFW pic, I'd love to rap her bum for the years to cum. [via Trent Lotts]
- Q: What's the greatestest news investigation series by a local TV station of the 2000s? A: This one set up by KCTV to lure pedophiles to a house where they think they're meeting up with 14-year-old fresh meat, but instead are greeted by the news crew. Now that's what we call Perverted Justice! [major big ups to Mr Blagg for that]
- Her Former Royal Thighness made a return trip to the hospital complaining of chest pains. Poor girl, I guess she didn't know that getting tittybanging by a different 28+-year-old each night is not good for the mammies.
- I guess Jacko won't be dreaming a little dream or standing by Corey Feldman for much longer. Does that make CF one of the lost boys?
- I've always wanted to attend Church. And by 'attend' I mean see what her vocal chords are jason capel-able of handling. And by that, I mean, 'Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz'.
- What's booer than boo-urns? The bastardages who moved the intimate April Fiery Furnaces show from the Bowery B-rules to Webster Hall. I guess that means I'll probably fall asleep, again. Man, I wish I was single again.
- Hitler still receives fan mail... even 60 years after dying. Speaking of Der Jerka$$, what ever happened to the rest of his familia?
- Kite festivals can and WILL kill! [via Big Daddy Rich]
- Who coined the phrase, "to coin a phrase"?
- Why does TMNT Porn eggsist? I mean this is almost as risgusting as the stuff I work with! [NSFWness via The DW Griffins]
- Were you sick of my pal Navi/The I-Train's links and love of Duke basketball? Well, dude finally gots himself his own blog to post his haste. Beware, he's a newbie and there are no pictures up as of yet. You've been warned. G-luck Potomac's flavorite son.
- The internerd moves fast. Case in point: there's already a pseudo-half-arsed-sequel to that fat Dutch kid rocking out to Romanian techno. [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- Can yous bee leave that the top prize in this weekend's Grilled-Cheese eating contest is only $3.5 K? That won't even begin to cover the champs' Pebto and therapy sessions. [via The Brawny One]
- France sucks, and their people are hella lame.
- You'll never be alone again with IntelliBuddy
- Felt Donuts
- The Cursor Thief
- Yer Thighness, this yer last warning (mos certainly not yer last spanking), but if you go out in public again looking like a Kabuki theater player, I may have to dump you for good (although I will still take dumps on you cause I know you likes it!).
Thursday, February 10
If At First You Don't Succeed,
Fail, Fail Again
- FIELD DAY 2005 is the new FAILED DAY 2003!!! AKA, that shiz aint happening this summer, but maybe next. So what have we learned? Andrew 'Durstkin' Dreskin is filled with more lies than Donald Rumsfeld's dingleberries. Shame on you Andy!! I mean, how much longer should we stay tuned?
- Bree Van De Kamp/Marcia Cross denies being a carpetbaggermuncher. Wow, my penis amazingly juss unbroke!
- Anyone want to make a gentleman's wager that Die Hard 4 won't hold a grenade launcher to Ben Stiller's Die Hard 12: Die Hungry [vid]?
- Dakota Fanning to vomit pea soup? They could make a film of her napping and I'd still see it opening weekend!
- BRIT bits.
- The Hives clean up at the Swedish Grammys. I also hear that the Swedish Meatball won the Best Ball of Meat Award earlier this week.
- More Superman casting?
- Hilary Muff to park the car at Harvard yard.
- What do 'a double-sided dildo made out of smoked Gouda', 'a dentureless Jessica Tandy', and the beloved children's book Sweet Pickles all have in common? They're just some of the many topics covered in our President's weekly web address.
- Speaking of Sweet Pickles, this is the greatest title of all time:
- The BAFTAs (no, not NAFTA's cousin) will air on BBCAmerica this Sat @ 9pm. Too bad my eyes will be glued to the Twerps v Duke game.
- Whats gots more buzz than an Arcade Fire pajama party? The long-awaited DVD release of what has been called one of the greatestist space western musicals of our time: The American Astronaut. [via Brad Foreskin]
- Congforkulations to The Gay Master for becoming this week's guest blizogger over at F.U.B.A.R..
- Melissa Gilbert lets her nip sag at SAG awards. Who's next, Sara Gilbert? Or how about Mr Grape and whatever's eating him? [via Socialismlite]
- Japanese Happy Meal Toys
- If you have a kid (then please stop reading this site) and want him to be the coolest kid in the world, bid on this pair of Freezy Freakies or take em to BK for some hot Activision action (not to be confused with Elevator Action). [Bitties in the BK hottieness via Tony's CPU]
- Semi-NSFW Animated Gif of a Transformer Molesting A Boy [via Newbsy]
- After peeping the quaint movie Rory O'Shea Was Here, I muss declare that Romola Garai is my newestest, mos flavoritest NonUsHottie of the moment. I want her to touch my lucky charms and rub it all nice til it becomes an Irish Spring. I heart her so much that I may actually watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.
- Bree Van De Kamp/Marcia Cross denies being a carpet
- Anyone want to make a gentleman's wager that Die Hard 4 won't hold a grenade launcher to Ben Stiller's Die Hard 12: Die Hungry [vid]?
- Dakota Fanning to vomit pea soup? They could make a film of her napping and I'd still see it opening weekend!
- BRIT bits.
- The Hives clean up at the Swedish Grammys. I also hear that the Swedish Meatball won the Best Ball of Meat Award earlier this week.
- More Superman casting?
- Hilary Muff to park the car at Harvard yard.
- What do 'a double-sided dildo made out of smoked Gouda', 'a dentureless Jessica Tandy', and the beloved children's book Sweet Pickles all have in common? They're just some of the many topics covered in our President's weekly web address.
- Speaking of Sweet Pickles, this is the greatest title of all time:
- The BAFTAs (no, not NAFTA's cousin) will air on BBCAmerica this Sat @ 9pm. Too bad my eyes will be glued to the Twerps v Duke game.
- Whats gots more buzz than an Arcade Fire pajama party? The long-awaited DVD release of what has been called one of the greatestist space western musicals of our time: The American Astronaut. [via Brad Foreskin]
- Congforkulations to The Gay Master for becoming this week's guest blizogger over at F.U.B.A.R..
- Melissa Gilbert lets her nip sag at SAG awards. Who's next, Sara Gilbert? Or how about Mr Grape and whatever's eating him? [via Socialismlite]
- Japanese Happy Meal Toys
- If you have a kid (then please stop reading this site) and want him to be the coolest kid in the world, bid on this pair of Freezy Freakies or take em to BK for some hot Activision action (not to be confused with Elevator Action). [Bitties in the BK hottieness via Tony's CPU]
- Semi-NSFW Animated Gif of a Transformer Molesting A Boy [via Newbsy]
- After peeping the quaint movie Rory O'Shea Was Here, I muss declare that Romola Garai is my newestest, mos flavoritest NonUsHottie of the moment. I want her to touch my lucky charms and rub it all nice til it becomes an Irish Spring. I heart her so much that I may actually watch Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.
Wednesday, February 9
Wisteria Lame
- I think my penis broke after I read that uber-ginger-snap hottie, Marcia Cross, is a gaylord. [via Fid Diddler]
- In the has been trashbin dept, GNR may release a new album and tour the UK, Costner wants to wear tights again, Madge wants to kick arse, and Ralph Macchio waxes on (and off) about the brand spankin new KK DVD box set. [last via Fleaski]
- Guess who Bandwagon Boy was rooting for in the Super Bowl? I'll give you a hint: it's his 'faverite team' and they're coached by someone named 'Bellycheck'.
- Although I didn't need to read TNDN to tell you this, but the book on Cuthy's nightstand, juss in case yer interested, is The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom.
- Did you hear about the new reality movie starring Drew Barrymore? It's called 50 First Almost Husbands. How FAB! [via Pinky Le Rox]
- This stinks.
- Gots to give props to lil David Witthoft who has worn his Farve jersey for over 4-hundo straight days in order to break a record that doesn't even eggsist!!
- Wanna play Find The Thigh Master this weekend? Look for me at The Met or in that giant park with all that orange crap going on.
- GoDaddy.com's hottie was the most TiVo replayed ad of the Sorta-Super Bowl. Feel free to watch said ad again and again. [via Witzy]
[via JBill$]
- Finally, I can go see a porn movie in a theater where the only sticky stuff on the floor will be an overpriced Cherry Coke!
- The Warshington Post has somehow gotten hold of a top secret internal email from CTU's Bizatch In Charge With Bad Bangs, Erin Driscoll.
- So forking what if I came from such a smart county? How does that help me pay for my Playmobil addiction?
- A 4-year kid drove his mother's car late at night to a video store only to find it closed. On the way back, he hit three cars, including one occupied by the po-po. No charges will be brought up against the kid and it's not clear which video he wanted. My guess is the chilling sequel to An American Tail, Fievel Goes West.
- This has gots to be the largest set of NSFW jugs me has ever seen! [via Mr Zach De La Roachclip]
- Tits never too late to join my Oscar Pool! Enter yer info, make yer picks, join my group 'Thighs R Us' with password being 'cuthbert', send me $10 bones and away we gogh!
- And lest we forget...
Keds are the opposite of cool.
Tuesday, February 8
Two Hearts Beat Off As One
The Philly CheeseMISteak
In the twenty-seven years of my existence, I had never visited the City of Brotherly Love. Quite a shame too considering I only grew up 2 1/2 hours away in sunny Rocktown, USA. Well, since this was a week of firsts, like downing a can of Sparks and falling asleep at a concert, I figure, hey, why not go 3 for 3 and head to the city where cheesesteaks were born. But before we delve into the great Cheesesteakdebate, did you know that Philly is not only the home of the cereal bar Cereality, but also of Mother's Day? You can blame them for forcing us to love our Mothers only one day a year!
Did you also know that when you walk down any street, you can hear Bruce Springsteen's 'Streets of Philadelphia'? Or that they love setting trashcans on fire (even before the big game)?
Did you know that my 7-layer dip was declared the national dip of PencilveinHEYya?
OK, you've waited long enuff. But before we can hand down our verdick on les steaks del chez, be sure you brush up on the rules of ordering that make the Soup Nazi look like DDE...
If you've been to Philly, you know of the Triple Crown of cheesesteaks: Pat's (the original), Geno's (it's bastard neighbor), & Jim's (the Donruss Rated Rookie). On my trip, my stomach only had time for the first two, so this isn't a pure scientific study in noshing. Anywho, to get straight to the point, I muss say, The Great Philly Cheesesteak is about a big a myth as Paul Bunyan and that case of herpes I supposedly had in '79, when I was only 2 years old. Yeah folks, I've had better cheesesteaks at my ye olde local dumphole pizza shop than at either Pat's AND Geno's. And boy do I wish that Clara Peller was with me, cause I really needed an old lady to shout "Where's the Beef!" Or, where's Shia Labeouf? Next time I'm in town, I'll hit up Jim's, who I hear has the best of the 3, but I'm not counting on anything. Maybe I'd be better off going to the Philadelphia Cream Cheese Factory instead. I hear it's really super hard to mess up something like that!
Did you also know that when you walk down any street, you can hear Bruce Springsteen's 'Streets of Philadelphia'? Or that they love setting trashcans on fire (even before the big game)?
Did you know that my 7-layer dip was declared the national dip of PencilveinHEYya?
OK, you've waited long enuff. But before we can hand down our verdick on les steaks del chez, be sure you brush up on the rules of ordering that make the Soup Nazi look like DDE...
If you've been to Philly, you know of the Triple Crown of cheesesteaks: Pat's (the original), Geno's (it's bastard neighbor), & Jim's (the Donruss Rated Rookie). On my trip, my stomach only had time for the first two, so this isn't a pure scientific study in noshing. Anywho, to get straight to the point, I muss say, The Great Philly Cheesesteak is about a big a myth as Paul Bunyan and that case of herpes I supposedly had in '79, when I was only 2 years old. Yeah folks, I've had better cheesesteaks at my ye olde local dumphole pizza shop than at either Pat's AND Geno's. And boy do I wish that Clara Peller was with me, cause I really needed an old lady to shout "Where's the Beef!" Or, where's Shia Labeouf? Next time I'm in town, I'll hit up Jim's, who I hear has the best of the 3, but I'm not counting on anything. Maybe I'd be better off going to the Philadelphia Cream Cheese Factory instead. I hear it's really super hard to mess up something like that!
Monday, February 7
The 2000 Flushes
Toilet Bowl
Wooahdeehoodeehow kids!! What a semi-effin-boring Super Bowl that was, eh? Well, I'm mainly saying that cause I was in Motown Philly and was pulling for dem Eagles hard. And with the loss, there wasn't one riot or lootingage to join in on. FORKsticks!! I really needed a new TV too! It was probably a good thing since I was in a mighty food coma thanks to my famous 7-layer dip. Anywho, I'll have a full pictorial of my cheesesteak pilmigrage tomorrow or Whizday, so stay tuned. In the meantime, here's the crap...
- Peter Gallagher/Sandy Cohen better get his act together, cause another Gallagher is taking a stab at acting... and this one is the real king of eyebrows.
- This whole Lohan thing has gettin out of hand. OK, maybe not as much as it did before, but purty darn close. I mean, being cast to play Meryl Streep's daughter in a Robert Altman movie based on some Garrison Keillor jounks? WTF?
- The Gorillaz & Coldplay's forthcoming LPs will not be released until after Marzo 31st cause EMI blows. At least they're paying their employees for the next two weeks, unlike a company I know.
- It's so UNphair that Liz finally lets us see her boobage. [via ProductNYCer]
- Marissa/Mischa/Mischka's lesbian storyline only to last 'five or six episodes'. BOOOOOOOO! At least DJ's back to mowing someone else's lawn.
- Jurassic 5 & Black Crowes are Bonnaroo bound.
- No word on a release date yet, but Twin Peaks season 2 DVDs will contain brand spankin new video transfers. And by spankin, I mean to the thought of Mädchen Amick serving up some of her pie.
- Carnie Wilson, fat once again.
- Female Soldier Demoted For Mud Wrestling [via Fleaski]
- Japanese homeless men get free HJs by women who love dirt! [via Guns n Rosenthal]
- Man Spends £3K on KitKats
- My Spidunkadunk Makes Your Vagina Look Like Phil Donahue!
- Wurstest Animated Spock w/Sideburns Gif That Will Destroy Your Eyes [via Golden DisSpencer]
- Her Royal Thighness the II's, aka dElishious Cuthbert, next project will be The Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I cant bee leave for a second that she's actually on that committee, and not on they're rivals', The Super Luscious Cockteasing Backsideriffic Committee. And I love how I don't even need to do any Cuthy pic sleuthing anymore, they juss cum to me, via such makers and pushers of hotty hotness like Tony & Tr3nt! Kisses on all yer all's pink parts.
- Peter Gallagher/Sandy Cohen better get his act together, cause another Gallagher is taking a stab at acting... and this one is the real king of eyebrows.
- This whole Lohan thing has gettin out of hand. OK, maybe not as much as it did before, but purty darn close. I mean, being cast to play Meryl Streep's daughter in a Robert Altman movie based on some Garrison Keillor jounks? WTF?
- The Gorillaz & Coldplay's forthcoming LPs will not be released until after Marzo 31st cause EMI blows. At least they're paying their employees for the next two weeks, unlike a company I know.
- It's so UNphair that Liz finally lets us see her boobage. [via ProductNYCer]
- Marissa/Mischa/Mischka's lesbian storyline only to last 'five or six episodes'. BOOOOOOOO! At least DJ's back to mowing someone else's lawn.
- Jurassic 5 & Black Crowes are Bonnaroo bound.
- No word on a release date yet, but Twin Peaks season 2 DVDs will contain brand spankin new video transfers. And by spankin, I mean to the thought of Mädchen Amick serving up some of her pie.
- Carnie Wilson, fat once again.
- Female Soldier Demoted For Mud Wrestling [via Fleaski]
- Japanese homeless men get free HJs by women who love dirt! [via Guns n Rosenthal]
- Man Spends £3K on KitKats
- My Spidunkadunk Makes Your Vagina Look Like Phil Donahue!
- Wurstest Animated Spock w/Sideburns Gif That Will Destroy Your Eyes [via Golden DisSpencer]
- Her Royal Thighness the II's, aka dElishious Cuthbert, next project will be The Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I cant bee leave for a second that she's actually on that committee, and not on they're rivals', The Super Luscious Cockteasing Backsideriffic Committee. And I love how I don't even need to do any Cuthy pic sleuthing anymore, they juss cum to me, via such makers and pushers of hotty hotness like Tony & Tr3nt! Kisses on all yer all's pink parts.
Friday, February 4
Let The Sparks Fly
I'm in no mood today, so everything will be short and sweet.
- First off, at Ultra's B-day shabang last nite, I finally locked lips with a can of Sparks. And although I did rather enjoy the tangy-arsed melted Sweetart taste of the malt-based energy drink, Mr Thought did not...
- 2ndoff, I don't even want to talk about what a dicktease The O.C. has been for the last two weeks, but this scene was rather nice...
- Anywho, its time to pay our respects. Peace the fork out gets a triple dip today: Nazi boxer Max Schmeling, JFK in black skin, Ossie Davis and the great Dean Wormer, who once said, 'Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.'
And here's some words of jizzdom...
- It's never too late to own a piece of Peabs' historical presidential campaign. I may have to throw down 11 clams to get that large mug.
- The Thigh Master disapproves of these Thigh Master cartoons.
- Can you get drunk on Listerine? How about vanilla extract? Tom Hanks' character on Family Ties must have already known, but Cecil explains that as well as the question that's been plaguing man since the dawn of boning: Does average human penis length vary among ethnic groups?
And yep, tis Friday. I'm off to Philly for some prime looting, so have phun kids!
- First off, at Ultra's B-day shabang last nite, I finally locked lips with a can of Sparks. And although I did rather enjoy the tangy-arsed melted Sweetart taste of the malt-based energy drink, Mr Thought did not...
- 2ndoff, I don't even want to talk about what a dicktease The O.C. has been for the last two weeks, but this scene was rather nice...
- Anywho, its time to pay our respects. Peace the fork out gets a triple dip today: Nazi boxer Max Schmeling, JFK in black skin, Ossie Davis and the great Dean Wormer, who once said, 'Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.'
And here's some words of jizzdom...
- It's never too late to own a piece of Peabs' historical presidential campaign. I may have to throw down 11 clams to get that large mug.
- The Thigh Master disapproves of these Thigh Master cartoons.
- Can you get drunk on Listerine? How about vanilla extract? Tom Hanks' character on Family Ties must have already known, but Cecil explains that as well as the question that's been plaguing man since the dawn of boning: Does average human penis length vary among ethnic groups?
And yep, tis Friday. I'm off to Philly for some prime looting, so have phun kids!
Thursday, February 3
KinderGarner
- Jennifer Garner may kiss acting goodbye to fulfill other dreams. Hopefully that translates to coming up with ever MORE fab iTunes playlists. And no, I won't ever leave her alone...
- Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur receives some pudding.
- Echo & The Bunnymen plan to release a new album sometime in the '05. What gives Coachella? They not goth enuff for you?
- Speaking of, fork Coachella, who's down for Cockchella? [via More Cowbell]
- Kiefer Sutherland firedat his daughter.
- Who knew that Woody Allen was such a soothsayer when he was playing around with the Orgasmatron in Sleeper? Shiz is for real!
- Awful British store names. Although 'Right Hair Right Now' is pretty effin punny!
- This guy has a serious drinking problem.
- Weekly free movies for all Bostonians, DCers, Chitownsters, and of course, JewYorkers.
- Today was the day that the music died. Anyone else craving for some American (hair) pie?
- If you love music and the internets, you should already know who Torr is. But if not, go now or I'll poop on your head.
- Bid on nothing. [via Mr Poon]
- Uew Boll, director of that new Tara Reid-Christian Slater-Stephen Dorff poop-a-thon known as Alone In The Dark, has the world's greatest website. Bless the webmaster. [via ONTD]
- Wife Charged In Sherry Enema Death
- Some people ask me, Thigh Master, what's the best way to torture a kid, well, for once, I finally have an answer. [via Zach de la Roachlip]
- And a merry b-day goes out to the grrrl who be so darn Ultra and my man Raykwan! Doesn't the Kwan look like a grown up version of The Kid (sans knife)?
- Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur receives some pudding.
- Echo & The Bunnymen plan to release a new album sometime in the '05. What gives Coachella? They not goth enuff for you?
- Speaking of, fork Coachella, who's down for Cockchella? [via More Cowbell]
- Kiefer Sutherland fired
- Who knew that Woody Allen was such a soothsayer when he was playing around with the Orgasmatron in Sleeper? Shiz is for real!
- Awful British store names. Although 'Right Hair Right Now' is pretty effin punny!
- This guy has a serious drinking problem.
- Weekly free movies for all Bostonians, DCers, Chitownsters, and of course, JewYorkers.
- Today was the day that the music died. Anyone else craving for some American (hair) pie?
- If you love music and the internets, you should already know who Torr is. But if not, go now or I'll poop on your head.
- Bid on nothing. [via Mr Poon]
- Uew Boll, director of that new Tara Reid-Christian Slater-Stephen Dorff poop-a-thon known as Alone In The Dark, has the world's greatest website. Bless the webmaster. [via ONTD]
- Wife Charged In Sherry Enema Death
- Some people ask me, Thigh Master, what's the best way to torture a kid, well, for once, I finally have an answer. [via Zach de la Roachlip]
- And a merry b-day goes out to the grrrl who be so darn Ultra and my man Raykwan! Doesn't the Kwan look like a grown up version of The Kid (sans knife)?
Wednesday, February 2
The Future's So Bright,
I've Got To Spray Glade®
The Thighs Spies are at it again, and the word, my friends and Romanians, is good. Hacktually, more than good. More like couldalmostbethegreatestthingstoeverhappen good. Seriously folks. I haven't been this full of jazz since I was taped to a bed and forced to watch BET Jazz for 36 straight hours, while in the process giving meself a rusty trombone, complete with a dizzy gillespie conversion. Anywho, without further Freddy Adu, I present to you the one show that can easily turn the WB into the WBEST!
Do not be alarmed. What you just saw was no an illusion, but a pastability that may effect the future of our enterspankment as we know it. Ready for the longest sentence I've written in a while? Great! Word has it that even though the peeps over at the WB were pressured into picking Kate Boos-worth to play Lois Lane in the new Superman movie over Her Royal Thighness of Thighland the II in order to ensure the casting of her-Beyond The Dreck co-star Kevin Spacey, they were so impressed with Cuthy's screen test that they're seriously considering giving her her own super hero TV show on the WB, where she'll don some tigs tights and kick some lee major ass, that would replace Smallville when it goes the way of Encore! Encore! next year. The only negativos to this whole thing (IF it even happens) that I foresee in my ball of crystal light is that we would be deprived of seeing Cuthbert run (cause she would be flying, dumassesses) and the most underrated hotness in all of America, Chloe/Allison 'The' Mack, would be out of a job. Stay tuned. I've got 99 problems, and the WB aint one. [scoopage via Axel F's brother, Marc]
And oh, btw, Lohan, what's happened to you since I dumped yer a$$ for Supergirl? Sue you, sue me, sue everybody.
Do not be alarmed. What you just saw was no an illusion, but a pastability that may effect the future of our enterspankment as we know it. Ready for the longest sentence I've written in a while? Great! Word has it that even though the peeps over at the WB were pressured into picking Kate Boos-worth to play Lois Lane in the new Superman movie over Her Royal Thighness of Thighland the II in order to ensure the casting of her-Beyond The Dreck co-star Kevin Spacey, they were so impressed with Cuthy's screen test that they're seriously considering giving her her own super hero TV show on the WB, where she'll don some tigs tights and kick some lee major ass, that would replace Smallville when it goes the way of Encore! Encore! next year. The only negativos to this whole thing (IF it even happens) that I foresee in my ball of crystal light is that we would be deprived of seeing Cuthbert run (cause she would be flying, dumassesses) and the most underrated hotness in all of America, Chloe/Allison 'The' Mack, would be out of a job. Stay tuned. I've got 99 problems, and the WB aint one. [scoopage via Axel F's brother, Marc]
And oh, btw, Lohan, what's happened to you since I dumped yer a$$ for Supergirl? Sue you, sue me, sue everybody.
Dirrrty Purty Thangs
Audrey Tautou Is
Deli-Scruumptious & Adorable
...hispecially with no clothes on
- The kids over at Donkey Boners scrounge up two fab links today: 1) watch a guy beat Super Mario 3 in 11 minutes and 2 seconds! Good thing he didn't have to face Bowser from Sha Na Na. 2) (if u didn't see it) Napoleon Dynamite delivering a Top Ten list on Letterman.
- Iron Maiden to play Reading/Leeds? What?
- Jen & Brad's splittsville has left Ali G homeless. [via Golden Boy]
- Michael Stipe dreams of Shirley Maclaine, tells her about it, and then she proceeds to freak out on him.
- We all know that pink may be the new blog, but apparently The Gay Master is the new Tr3nt.
- The blog we've all been
- Wannamaker, do you want me to get you an Xbox Millennium Falcon for your b-day? Or I could just re-gift the re-gifted calendar that you gave me for mine? [via Double Vski]
- The Big Shocker. [via Guns n' Rosenthal]
- Joan is a bigger hack than Brian DePalma.
- Looks like this Rabbi won't be getting many more tips if he keeps giving babies herpes during circumcisions. [via Mustard King of Clevetown]
- North Korea Declares War On Long Hair
- Miami Judge Drops Charge Against King Kong [via Mr Poon]
- The Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese is one thing, but Jesus in a frying pan? What's next, the image of the Arcade Fire appearing in a bag of Fritos? [via Nebraska Ben]
- Peabs not only just became a professional kangaroo named Bart Jemima, but the first professional kangaroo to publicly profess his love for an iPod. [via Uncle G-Funk]
- One of the breastest headlines I've seen in awhile: Salma Hayek's Naked Breasts Make Her Want To Kill Herself. That's odd, dem bazoombas make me want to 'off' myself in a entirely different way. Ahhhh Hayek's boobs.
- And for those of you moaning for more Cuthbertness, I have some major hotness to unleash later today, but in the meantime, suck on this... Mischa pic [1nce again via Mischa-B.com]
The Big Sleep
Last night's Arcade Fire show at Webster Hall was a first of firsts for your Papa Thigh Master. I think I'm either officially gettin old or in the early stages of catching the flu, either way, the umpossible became possible. After attending a fine pre-AF show drink-a-thon put together by the luscious Mrs LinkThiefIsm that featured some of your favorite peeps of the blogosphere, me and Megbot (M&M) headed on over to the Hall to finally see the band that everyone has been hyping as the next Franz Ferdinand, Killers, Jesus, and/or Krispy Kreme Donuts. And the verdict, their live show sounds udderly franztastic. Too bad I couldn't tell you how the whole show was cause both M&M fell asleep on a couch during some part of the show. Yep, you red that write, we both feel the hell asleep. That has never happened to me in my life. Maybe I'm slowly turning into my mother who passes out in 75% of the movies she sees. Anywho, after my brief nap, I woke up dazed and semi-confused to the sound of the crowd gettin all lute-a-kris. The kids effin love em. I think if Arcade Fire took a dump on stage, the hipsters would proclaim it as the greatest moment in music history. I bet if the lead singer picked his nose and sold the boogers on eBay, it would fetch more duckets than a drive-thru peep show. Whatevs, I won't be passed out when I see them at Coachella, just ODing on frozen chocolate covered bananananas.
[pic via Brooklyn Vegan]
[pic via Brooklyn Vegan]
Tuesday, February 1
Here Comes Your Man
When CTU super agent Jack Bauer had his back against the wall, and with his chronic heavy breathing problem reaching new heights, who did you think he called? Well, I was hoping and praying he really needed his daughter to wear a tight white shirt and run thru a car wash...
But instead, he called in the only man he could truss, THE MAN himself, Tony 'THE MAN' Almeida!!
Thank GORD! Cause I'm already sick of all the new characters (sans House of Sand and Fog family and Devanester). But hey, isn't T-Money suppose to be in jail?
- World's mos boringest couple calls it quits. They were afraid their kids would be too purty and bad at acting.
- Rhys Ifans, the coolest man with the cooliestest name, denied himself the pleasure to wife swap with Jude & Sadie. I bet he rejected their advances cause he wanted to sleep with Law, not Frost.
- Jennifer Garner Fed-Up With Pressure Look Beautiful. I feel her pain, considering that she really isn't beautiful to begin with.
- Owen Wilson to grow a beard to shed the 'stoner' label he often gets. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe you should help Wes Anderson on his next script to help shed the disappointment that was Steve Zissou.
- Jamiroquai to release a new album and tour in the '05. I guess they didn't make the Coachella line-up cause either they aren't written about in Spin or are from the 80s.
- Sorry I'm days late on this, but merry belated peace the fork outing to
Architect Philip Johnson. The dude knew buildings, and how to kick some major glass.
- Tickets for the two Fiery Furnabests shows are already on sale. See you at the Bowery one. I'll be the one drooling in front of the stage. [via B-Veg]
- Mind you, F.U.B.A.R. may lose its name and webmaster, but that doesn't mean this shit is dunn like Warrick. Stay tuned.
- Since this site has been pretty much Lohan free for the past few months, yer more then welcome to head over to the Drunken Stepfather for all your Former Royal Thighnessness-ness.
- I don't think this guy is a huge fan of his papa, yet he did give him one of the nation's top honors... [via The Zack Attack]
- Own yer very own drive-thru strip club. Bidding is currently up to $300,999.99. [via Brawny Man]
- Play the world's smallest version of Pac-Man right on yer own CPU. [via Metafilter]
- Spiderman Dos, Lego stizz. [via K To The P: Power]
- Looks like Mischa Mishka is back to her Falkor lookin' ways. Well, at least it appears that way in this photo of her and Morgan Freebird. I guess she's only attractive when she poses by herself or with a pair of Keds. Who cares, she's still so alluring that I'd ride her like 1/9 train. Psssst, don't you dare tell Cuthbert or her former TV dad what I just said. I want to live to bone tomorrow. [via ONTD, Skeeter, & the love/one below, Mischa-B.com]
But instead, he called in the only man he could truss, THE MAN himself, Tony 'THE MAN' Almeida!!
Thank GORD! Cause I'm already sick of all the new characters (sans House of Sand and Fog family and Devanester). But hey, isn't T-Money suppose to be in jail?
- World's mos boringest couple calls it quits. They were afraid their kids would be too purty and bad at acting.
- Rhys Ifans, the coolest man with the cooliestest name, denied himself the pleasure to wife swap with Jude & Sadie. I bet he rejected their advances cause he wanted to sleep with Law, not Frost.
- Jennifer Garner Fed-Up With Pressure Look Beautiful. I feel her pain, considering that she really isn't beautiful to begin with.
- Owen Wilson to grow a beard to shed the 'stoner' label he often gets. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe you should help Wes Anderson on his next script to help shed the disappointment that was Steve Zissou.
- Jamiroquai to release a new album and tour in the '05. I guess they didn't make the Coachella line-up cause either they aren't written about in Spin or are from the 80s.
- Sorry I'm days late on this, but merry belated peace the fork outing to
Architect Philip Johnson. The dude knew buildings, and how to kick some major glass.
- Tickets for the two Fiery Furnabests shows are already on sale. See you at the Bowery one. I'll be the one drooling in front of the stage. [via B-Veg]
- Mind you, F.U.B.A.R. may lose its name and webmaster, but that doesn't mean this shit is dunn like Warrick. Stay tuned.
- Since this site has been pretty much Lohan free for the past few months, yer more then welcome to head over to the Drunken Stepfather for all your Former Royal Thighnessness-ness.
- I don't think this guy is a huge fan of his papa, yet he did give him one of the nation's top honors... [via The Zack Attack]
- Own yer very own drive-thru strip club. Bidding is currently up to $300,999.99. [via Brawny Man]
- Play the world's smallest version of Pac-Man right on yer own CPU. [via Metafilter]
- Spiderman Dos, Lego stizz. [via K To The P: Power]
- Looks like Mischa Mishka is back to her Falkor lookin' ways. Well, at least it appears that way in this photo of her and Morgan Freebird. I guess she's only attractive when she poses by herself or with a pair of Keds. Who cares, she's still so alluring that I'd ride her like 1/9 train. Psssst, don't you dare tell Cuthbert or her former TV dad what I just said. I want to live to bone tomorrow. [via ONTD, Skeeter, & the love/one below, Mischa-B.com]
