Saturday, July 31

 

not tougher than leather

Friday, July 30

Who are you?! I'm Batman. 

-Not only is this dumbest invention since sliced bread, but you think they could have come up with a better name than Poke-ya. It sounds like some new brand of vibrator.


-If you're not reading the Sports Guy on ESPN Page 2, you should be. Especially this week.

-Lohan and Batman. Can you really ask for anything more?

-I would have shot Ozzy too if I were married to him.

-Peace out to Watson's Boy, Crick. Without him we wouldn't have seedless watermelon.

-That's it for today. I'm off to the beach too for the weekend. It's been fun. Navi.

Thursday, July 29

ThighMaster's Potential Second Wife Engaged 

Looks like Brandy is going to marry Q-Dawg. Sorry Thigh Master... 





The Pimp is Now Behind the Wheels 

The thighmaster is busy getting sun-burned right now, so you will have to make due with me. 

-Don't eat on the Metro in D.C. or you might get a full cavity search.

-A Maryland basketball player, Nik Cane Her Medley, got arrested. What a shocker.

-Michael has been doing some early X-mass shopping or at least looking for a date.

-Courtney is going into rehab. When does her trial start for killing Kurt?

-Pierce Brosnan is no longer James Bond.  I hear Mr. Bean is up for the role.

-Jeff Foxworthy is back on TV.  All is good in the world.




Wednesday, July 28

Sticky Fingers 

best read with coco butter
This should keep me busy for a few hours...

Scoop via Dearest Uncle Grambsy via StereoShizzle
via con dios ('coming soon', damn straight!)

Farting Is Such Sweet Sorrow 

Kids, I'm off to the rainbow and family friendly confines of Rehoboth Beach, Delawhere (yes, it is a state) for a lil R & R, A & P, AT & T. Good thing I'm going with my family and not my gay lover Elijah Wood. Whilst I is away, some very special guests will be posting crap on this site. In the meantime, I've posted a few jounks below to tide you over. See you all on the phillipside!

life is a beach and then you smack her up

- Beck & Jack White, the best collaboration since turkey-wrapped bacon.

- Our girl CityRag Doll is making us foam at the mouth just reading about her LES Food Tour.

- Shady Friendster pictures eggsplained!! [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Win a Hanson concert at yer MASH (Mansion Apartment Shack or House)!

- There is nothing 'hip' about these undies.

- Duff plays the hits, but shows no tits. You call that a concert? Lettuce just wait to Her Royal Thighness, the Lohan, goes on tour.

- I don't care if the peaches are flat or not, but they butter be shaved and not smell like tuna juice.

- And I'll be size XXXXXL after my weak end of gorging on za, taffy, fries, and more za, but I'll never ever join a gang of XXL women shoplifters. Piece the fudge out peoples. Be fruitful and multiply!!

Citizen Dean Cain 

someone mixed the blue and red pills again

- Former Presidential nominee and spazmatazz guru, Howard Dean took center stage at the DNC tonight. He received a 79-minute standing-O without even uttering a word, booty. But when the diarrhea (aka his speech) started to flow from his pipes, I started dozing off. If he really wanted to pump up the crowd, he should have busted out some of his fly "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarcgh" remixes that are even butter than the Jay-Z Black Album ones. Here are the straight up klassics with a K:
- Hey Yeaaargh!
- 7 Nation Candidate
- Grars
- And the ultimate: Mortal Dean Kombat (complete with images)

- Forget about following what those "professional bloggers" are reporting at the DNC. Just czech out what our man the Shoppe of Products Keeper has scooped up.

- And is Vincent Gallo the creepiest Republican ever? [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Weezer, say it aint so: New York Subway Stop Names For Sale?.

- To Hell with Lohan's Herbie: Fully Loaded, cause Toyota's going to unleash a real car with real emotions. Scare-E shiz. Maybe we should have listened to Will Smith's proclamation of Them, Robots.

- The Archdukes invade the Roseland Ballroom on September 9th. Tickets go on sale this Friday at noon. Get em before all the hipster bloggers beat you to em!

- Everyone's one stop shop for a$$holeism, SiegHeil.de has a new look... being redirected to Shoa.de, a site dedicated to exposing the horrors of the Holocaust.

- My boy Wanamaker is fit, but don't he know it! He's the one smiling in the lower left-hand corner.

- If yer rich, marry me, but also peepage what my girl Chillary "My Last Name Really Isn't" Johnmis on CNN has to say about bling-bleaux travel and leisure.

Amerigo-go knockn' boots
- Saddam loves muffins and cookies, gardening, and penning poems about GWBusch. He's more American than Amerigo Vespucci.

- Words. Lots of words.

- VMA noms announced. Yer umhumble Thigh Master has declared a jihad on the VMAs ever since the Gorillaz' "Clint Eastwood" video lost to Mudvayne for the M2 award in 2001.

- Jenny McCarthy to star in a Dirty movie that she also wrote and her husband will direct. If her boobs aren't in it for 68/69nths of the time, I'll demand my money back.

- Calculate how much booze you've downed in yer life here. [Link via Randall Palms]

- The Steven Segal Official Fan Club. Don't sign up all at once now! [Link 1nce again via Zach de la Roachclip]

- And don't read this before lunch or visiting yer dentist: Dentist Allegedly Injected Semen Into Patients' Mouths. [Link via Guns 'n' Rosenthal]

Tuesday, July 27

Signs of The Thymes 

breast postcard i have ever received the cider house RULES!!!!
and bless you newbsy

Paul Revered & The Raiders 

- We here at Thighs Wide blow camels for a living, but apparently we also blow minds as well. After outing the Raider of Panties as a Raider of Pantries on the side, we didn't realize that it was actually true! Damn you office firewalls of the world! You took away my favorite site adorned with pink panties and forced him to fill it with books and pepper grinders! Breast in piece Panties!!

long live the panties!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Thanks to the JD Salinger of blogging, and my muse, Ms Modern Rage, I'm having seconds thoughts about this whole Lohan and Thigh Master union. Examine eggzibits A, B, & C.

- Is it really illegal to tear the tags off your mattress? The truth explained! If only that poor shotgun-wielding Utahiahian knew that info when Fletch told him, "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the mattress police. There are no tags on these mattresses." Yer not recoding this, are you?

- Polaroid: The Blog!

- Air's "Alpha Beta Gamma": One of the most umcredible songs of the year. Also, one of the slammninest tunes to feature whistling. Too bad the video doesn't even come close to matching tits greatness. Peep on WindowsMedia or RealPlayer. (Make yer own remix of the song by clicking both a second apart.)

- Please, whatever you do, don't pay good money to see a Brittany Murphy movie when you can see it for free. And for you special Neue Yorkers, I guarantee this free screening is going to be the bee's wax: Code 46 starring Tom Robbins, Samantha Morton, and directed by the umazing Michael Winterbottom.

- The final season of The Sopranos hits small screens in 2006. Maybe in that span of time they'll (love) actually come up with some storylines instead of AJ's eyebrows getting shaved or Paulie Walnuts complaining about landscaping. And if not, they'll just fill the rest of their cast with Goodfellas actors. I'm sure Johnny Roastbeef or even the great Jimmy Two Times aren't all that busy. Gotta go get the papers, the papers!!

- And finally, I ask you: What's Asian, covered in dry blood, and makes me want to cut off my johnson? This girl. [Link via Biz vs the Newbs]

Monday, July 26

Linkawhoreus Rex 

So much shiz to ketchup on, so lets get this part-tay started...

sith it to the man!!
- Star Wars: Episode Blah has a new name: Revenge of the Sith. George Puck-on-us, you already shat on my childhood, so why don't you just do us all a favor and call the final piece of yer dung trilogy, Return of the Shitstain. And if Lobot doesn't make an appearance in Sith, Linda Ronstadt and I will never bone you again!!

- So if I stop wearing furs and denounce my carnivoreship, can I hook up with some hot hippie chick all day long? (click on the video on the right side)

- Where do washed-up famous gay peoples find work? On a 24-hour gay network that needs to fill a lot of hours o' programming. Welcome back to the working world Scott Thompson and Chastity Bono!!

- Everyone least favorite Jeopardy! contestant, KJ, ended the season on a high note. Cpt Boring broke the one-day record with $75K large, bringing his grand total after 38 episodes to $1,321,660. Wow, that's more TV appearances than the entire cast of 21 Jump Street (sans J-Depp) has had after the show was cancelled. Poor Dustin Nguyen and Peter DeLuise. Maybe they can try to borrow some cash off of KJ when the show resumes on September 6th.

- Peace the mudder-fudge out to a man with one of the flyest names ever: Cotton Fitzsimmons.

- Ian Brown plays Stone Roses songs for the 1st time in almost ten years. Now do everyone a favor and get the band back together before someone dies.

- Amateur porno makers take note, cause Paris Hilton is once again open for bidness.

- News article that reinforces my point about F-9/11 only appealing to Democrats: few Republicans who have seen the movie appear to have been swayed by its propaganda. Anywho, the flick just crossed the 100 mil mark.

- Speaking of the erection, Bush Hopes to Sway Jewish Voters. Good luck with that one!

- This bird hates Dutch art.

lower the rims and let them dunk!!!
- I love women, but I'd rather slit my eyes out or see League of Extraordinary Gentlemen than watch them play basketball. However I may have to waive my harsh policies since the NY Liberty have found temporary asylum at the infamous Radio City Music Hall, while MSG hosts the Resucklican Party Convention. How umcredible is that? If only they handed out free HJs and BJs then more men would go too!

- Trainspotting pub to close down.

- Ricky Williams chooses weed over the NFL. Glad the Skins passed up on that shlub-bub.

And here be a forkload of odd news (new and old) with major help from Flea's Ho-bag:

- Police Seek Naked Fast-Food Patron. Hopefully he wasn't covered in nacho cheese.

- Olsoivian hotel workers call to ban hotel porn. I guess they don't want to make a profit anymore.

- Bush writes on dung. Fitting since his words are sh%t!

- 416 pounds of beauty.

- Women Plow In Nude To Relieve Drought. Is that how Borat's wife died?

- DotComGuy changes name back to Mitch Maddox. Surprisingly, DotLoser is married. I bet her name was DotTunaCrotchChick.edu

Sunday, July 25

And The Next
Mrs Thigh Master Is... 

After some grueling months of campaigning and cat fights, you, the people and readers of TWS.org, have chosen my next wife. Here are the results from wurstest to breastest:

Tied for last place with 14% of the vote each

o' say can I OC yer undies?
Meeshawn Barton Fink
&
Mrs Dairy King/Burger Queen
hands off Bruce Boxleitner, she's mine!

And surprisingly, a whopping 27% of the peoples wish I would bury the hatchet with My Former Mustache (it could probably scrounge up more votes for US Prez than Ralph Nadermeyer)

it smelled like tuna
You all should have yer head eggzamined!

And with 45% of electric company college vote, the woman who I will take great pleasure in procreating with until I'm Thighs Wide Done is none other than Her Royal Thighness, the former Tween Dream Queen, and now every 14-39-year-old male's wet dream, yep, LL

moan if you want to, moan around the world
Pic stolen from our berry good fiends over at f.u.b.a.r.

Thanks for voting and be sure to weigh in on our new poll!

Saturday, July 24

Computer Talk Funny 

Turn on sound and THEN click me, then me, then me, then me, and finally me! And for good measure, click me and me.

Wurstest
Bestestist Animated
Thang o the Moment 

so why again is the girl wearing 'normal' clothes in a gym?
Mad props de leon to
DJ Cackensen for this one

Friday, July 23

Hives Wide Open 

The Hives
+ Sahara Hotnights

Irving Plaza - July 22nd

america breaks out in hives for the... hives

Before I begin, I must state for the LP that me can't stand it when a band releases their latest album the same week they begin their tour. How am I to fully enjoy their show if I'm not too familiar with all the tracks yet? Drop the album and then give us at least a few weeks to get our booties shaking and our appetites whet.

Is Sweden the innest country or what? Their red fish and meatballs are scumdeliumptious, and their English-language music output is unrelievable. ABBA were the Beatles of the 70s and the Hives are the Kinks of the Double-0 Zeroes. These guy kick so much gla$$! Last time I saw them was with the Mooney Suzuki in June of 2002 and they played for only 45 minutes. 45 minutes doesn't sound like an awful long time, but when yer the Hives, yer songs are 2 seconds each and you can pack so much in that span of time. It was one of the best 45 minutes I had eggspeareanced since peeping the training portion of Full Metal Jacket. Anything beyond that time mark is just overkill ("me sucky sucky" not included).

Last noche, they played for a little over an hour, drawing from albums past and heavily on their latest, Tyrannosaurus Hives. The old stuff ("Main Offender", "Hate To Say I Told You So", "Supply and Demand", etc) was more killer than the Son of Sam and the new stuff faired pretty darn well too... would have been better if I had more time to listenage to the album. The main draw to their performances aren't the music, but rather the extreme-o energy that they exude. (These guys must take forkloads of IVs loaded with Red Bull, Frosted Flakes, speed, and Jolt Cola before their shows.) And they do all of this rocking and/or rolling in their fab-u-los Kentucky Colonel getups.

Here's a qwik rundown on this Swedetastic band. Brilliant work Randy Fitzsimmons!!

Howlin Pelle Almqvist - He must think he's Prince cause he's constantly seeking audience approval and telling us that he loves us and that we love him. If he cut down on the chit-shat, the show would probably be 18 minutes long. Anywho, he has dreamy eyes and hair to die for. I think I'd go heteroflexible for him... if Jude Law was busy of course.

Nicholaus Arson - Looks like Mr Bean, but plays the guitar like a crackfiend with 10 cents in his pockets.

Chris Dangerous - His drumming arms must ache more after one show than Nolan Ryan's pitching arm did after his entire career.

Vigilante Carlstroem - I feel so bad for him cause he was sweating as soon as he came out on stage.

Dr. Matt Destruction - Best mustache in all of rock?

Pee es - the Hotnights were solid like a corn poopie, cept I was a lil peeved they were half da way thru playing "On Top Of Your World" as me and the cru were walking in.

Good News/Bad News 

Bad news first: Tits official, Her Royal Thighness and Fez are an item. [Link via my gal Chelonia]

And now for the goode: Czech out this ultra-dope-fly line-up for The 6th Annual Voodoo Music Experience October 16-17th, in the birthplace of Popeyes fried chicken.

The Pixies, The Beastie Boys, The Killers, A Tribe Called Quest (they're back together?), De La Soul, Velvet Revolver, The Thrills, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Green Day, Kid Rock, Paul Van Dyk, Sonic Youth, The Polyphonic Spree, Gomez, Cypress Hill, Shinedown, Phantom Planet, Snow Patrol, Particle, Wylde Bunch, Metric, New Found Glory, Cowboy Mouth, AlterBridge, Killradio, Gogol Bordello, Supagroup, Gooding, Ghost and the magic words, MORE TO BE ANNOUNCED.

Click here for a chance to score some tickets to the show. And if you win AND take me, I'll take you to the all-you-can eat Popeyes on me (that was a lot of yous and mes, eh?).

Masters & Commandments
The Faux Side of the World 

i bet they sold 8 of the things in total
- On behalf of yers truly, the Thigh Daddy, the BeastMaster, Blaster Master, Thunderdome's Master Blaster and the rest of the Master clan, we want to wish our cousin, the View-Master a merry 65th b-day. To celebrate, they've even inducted him into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Go get em Viewie!! Yer 3-D is butter than all of Jaws 3-D and the virtual reality in The Lawnmower Man. Speaking of, where have you gone Jeff Fahey? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

- Bush/Hitler comparison clip removed from Ozzfest video montage. I don't think people would have complained as much if it was just a clip of A$$hole eating a watermelon.

- Tom & Jerry, the live action talk show. It's not what you think.

- What on earth is Bert doing to Ernie? [NSFW thing via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Dan the Automat on board for Archduke's follow-up?

- Dave Abbott challenges pretty boy Ken Jennings to a cage match to the death. "I think I could take him."

- The grandest college basketball team in all the land, los Merryland Twerps, are headed to Italy this fall for a 12 day preseason tour. And Duke, they'll be at home shining Mike Kyryewqssrkskikiesies's johnson. And the nihilists, they're going to cut off the Dude's johnson. And the Dude, he's got a great soundboard. Back to Twerp shariz: Welcome back Keith Booth!! And do you think Walt Williams still hangs out with Hootie and his Blowfish?

- Dem be some tall buildings.

- Leisure Suit Larry all over again?

watermelons and Germans: a match made in grussenflafufenvolksgiestinstossen
- 1 in 5 Germans drink to get drunk. What do the other 4 do? Have a bit of the olde stein-haussen-weiner-shintizel-fliz-huis-de-flughaufen and then gobble a watermelon?

- 21 days until the Athens games. Wake me up when it's 2006, cold, and Johnny Mosley's baking some more dinner rolls.

- Who created the scores for Planet Of The Apes, Total Recall, Gremlins, Chinatown, Hoosiers, many a Star Trek fliz, and yes, even The Twilight Zone? Oscar owner, Jerry Goldsmith, dats who. Well, he croaked Wednesday night. Peace the f%@k out dawwwwwwwwg.

- Some say breastesiest Goonies website out there. Some of those people are these people people.

- Join the Army and get bigger breasts or a smaller nose for free!!

- Those Dutch make killer pancakes, dope, and windmills. Apparently, they're also tall is fork.

- And word on the street is that Lindsay Lohan ate lunch yesterday. I heard she also had something to drink, but when we contacted her reps, they responded with "No comment."

 

these are getting pretty e-z

Thursday, July 22

Goodbye, Mr. Chips 

eat a dick Frito-Lame
- Frito-Lay is the new TicketBastard/UnClearChannel. They're claiming that people in specific markets prefer their chips to the far superior ma and pop chip companies like Jays, Utz, and Cape Cod. Sure we all love Doritos, Fritos, and anything else that ends in 'ritos', but Lays, or should I say Lames, leave the lil guys alone! And by the weigh, no one wants yer stoopid imitation Pringles that you coyly dubbed Stax chips. I haven't been this upset about chips since I thought I was going into labor after downing a whole bag of Olestra-fused chips.

- Only losers go to Duke. But those losers now get free i-Pods. F-in losers.

- When we last saw Coldplay frontman/Paltrow-leg-humper, Chris Martin, he was hamming it up with The Nappies (a band only a mother of your child could enjoy). Well, apparent-lee he was also dueting with the master of roads and The Streets, Mikeyboy Skinner, on the soon to be hit single, "Dry Your Eyes". Wonder why they dumped the version that he's on? Hmmmmmm. Anywho, we're dying to hear it, so if anyone gots a copy of it, throw it our way.

- Orson Welles must be puking peas in his grave. Why? P Diddy wants you to register to vote thru his non-profit/please look at me org Citizen Change. This is the grossest misuse of big daddy Kane's title since the Lithgow shitpic, Raising Cain or the James Woods/Joe Don Baker thing called Citizen Cohn. And I'm sure we're not too far away from a Gus van Sux shot-by-shot remake with Vince Vaughn playing Charles Foster Kane.

- So many rides. So little pimping to do.

- Think you could gobble 20K Big Macs in yer life. Well, this Super-Size Me "co-star" did just that. Just for the record, I have consumed ZERO Filet o Fishes in my entire life. I'd rather have a 4 zillion trillion rooster-head Chicken McNuggets, then one o Fish.

get yer microphone away from me you damn dirty michael moore!
- Heston get your guns cause the apes are taking baby steps towards world domination.

- One of the breast flicks of the year, Napoleon Dynamite, goes nationwide this weekend. Some of the world's most award winning critics are calling it "unbelievable". And I guess they want me to see this movie for a 5th time cause they've added new wedding (?) footage to it. And in even more umcredible flick news, Donnie Darko director's jizz opens this Friday in NYC.

- What does a Gyllenhaal, a dog's balls, and cheap Clorox have in common? Yep, Brooklyn goes gaga for Target. [Link via Stereojizzle]

- Sick of animated .gifs where kids get hurt? Too bad.

- Here, look at some before and after boobies [NSFW].

- Other Music announced a free NYC screening of Neil Young's Greendale this upcoming Monday at Rififi.

- These people are a bunch of faggots. [Link via Ultrahottttttie]

- Shannen Doherty: A Study in Asymmetry. [Brill-yant link work via Percenterprises]

Wednesday, July 21

Tongue In Czech 

michael jordan is suing both of these peoples
- Stop the presses: Jenna Bush sticks out her tongue at the media!!! Normally I would be turned on by any such thing involving her mouth, but she's all Bitched @ Swirth with poison preventer, Mr Yuk. [Scoop via Navi]

- Beck has recruited the Dust Brothers to work on his new album. I guess that means this one will actually have a chance at being good, which would be the exactl opposite of his last disc, the booooooooring/slumber-fest known as Sea Change.

- Is it football season yet? Not soon enuff, but Redskins training camp starts July 31st!!!!!! Get a free invitation to attend here.

- Meet the Russian Michael Jackson.

- Mayor Mike's daughter Georgina looks mad fly with a riding cap on, but not so much without it. Maybe I should concentrate my efforts on Ivanka Trump.

- Are these cards more worthless than a complete set of Garbage Pail Kids Series 412?

- Hot bike. Hot chick not included.

- Peace the f%$k out Guided By Voices. Catch em while you can.

- American cigarette companies should take note of this. But then again, they actually want people to buy their nicotine treats and die. [Link via Guns 'n' Rosenthal]

- That is one giant ball o' paint, I tells ya. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Inmates escape to buy beer. Then return to jail with beer.

- Pathetic: Prince Charles takes his 1st cab ride ever. Maybe mumsy will allow him to buy his 1st porno mag too.

Tuesday, July 20

Chicken In & Out 

kick the bucket u second rate fried chicken
- KFC's chicken sucks. And here's another reason to hate it: the abuse of live chickens to the sounds of G'n'R and Bon Jovi (be sure to click on the video). Lettuce boycott KFC and spend our money only at a real establishment like Popeyes.

- What's with all the bloggah haters these daze? Some bloke named Alex S. Jones has joined the club, calling us folk, "the sizzle" and "not the steak." He goes on to say that blizogs are filled with nothing but, "vulgarity, scorching insults, bitter denunciations, one-sided arguments, erroneous assertions and the array of qualities that might be expected from a blustering know-it-all in a bar." Well guess what pal, we aint the sizzle, we the shiz-nizzle covered in A1, and insults and vulgarity are how us kids communicate. Who cares about real journalism when we can talk about Lohan's thighs and how amazing Leonard Part 6 is to film history. I bet if Mr Jones (no relation to that wretched Counting Crows song) had a blog, it would be more boringer than watching every episode of Murder She Wrote in a row. Step off son, I'm doing the humpty hump.

- Poor Dave Mustaine. Somebody give this man a hug. Or at least an HJ.

- This is probably the lamestest story about LL on the net.

- Shortlist for this years Mercury Prize (UK Album of the Year) has been announced. B Jaxx's KK was one of last year's breast, but will they be able to topple the Archduke or Mikey Skins? And what or who the funk are the Zutons and why did someone kill them? The winner will be announced on September 7th:

Basement Jaxx - Kish Kash
Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
Jamelia - Thank You
Keane - Hopes and Fears
Snow Patrol - Final Straw
Joss Stone - The Soul Sessions
The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free
Ty - Upwards
Amy Winehouse - Frank
Robert Wyatt - Cuckooland
The Zutons - Who Killed The Zutons

- And m'yes, big props de leon have to go out to my girl CityRag doll who invited yers drooly to the sliz-hammin Swindle Magazine launch party at BLVD last noche. She and her site truly rock harder than AC/DC.

Back To The Grill Again
The Grill Again 

how do i loook?
- Who's the busiest/hottiest star on the rise? Yep, LL and her next project doesn't sound rocking, but I'll still go covered in KY. Speaking of LL, want to be as crazy/beautiful as her? Then buy some of this crap.

- Czech out the new lonely Streets video for "Dry Your Eyes" mate. In RealMedia or WindowsMedia. And Mike, tell this geezer that a grand really don't come fo free.

- Crazed Romanian surgeon bobbitises a patient. When did John Wayne's last name become a verb? [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Damon Albarn lashes out at NME. Stop lashing and get Graham back in the band already!!

- Do you make the breastest grilled cheese sang-wich in America? Now be yer chance to prove it.

- Tuna, please disappear forever. The next person I catch microwaving it will be shot as soon as I see the white's of yo eyes!!!

- Rides that do not require pimping.

not even a wall can stop porno
- Will the People's Republic of China keep TWS.org and other pornographic sites from its peoples?

- Joe Carnahan out on MI:3. Bryan Singer in on Superman. The Hobbbbitttt flick around the corner?

- Word War I is far from being over. Damn you Archduke Franz Ferdinand (no relation to heteroflexible Scottish rocksterinos)

- REM's latest to be "hardcore". Tour plans in the mix as well. Goooooodie gum drops.

- And with some help from the aforementioned Mr de la Roachclip, here's a headline that the whole fam can enjoy: Nude Man Caught Covered In Nacho Cheese. If only he could find a woman covered in tortilla chips.

Monday, July 19

The Weak End That Was Neither Weak Nor Seemed To End Part II 

Saturday July 17th

After Prince, me and Curious George's mum were more hungry than me family during Yom Kippur. We marched up and down Hell's Kitchen with our mouths watering. McHale's? Closed. Vynl? Ditto. We settled on the only place that looked decent and open (not in that order). This place be called Eatery. And Eatery be an f-in fantastic choice for semi-late at nite or whenever. It's sorta like Houston's, but without the really dark lighting. Grab yerself an Adobe Salad or the Mac and Jack. C'mon, when it comes to food, you can trust me!!!

Later that "day"... Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, and nowhere to be found was my friend Jed. Today was going to be hot and sweaty and filled with hipsters, so me and Curious George's mum needed some pre-Siren-Fest-nurshiment. We headed to the only place for unrelievable $3.50 cubano sandwiches that rock the fliz-house: El Malecon II. Everything there is so deli-scrumptious that Doc Oc himself, Alfred Molina, said in Time Out NY that he munches down there.

hours of info-tainment
We boarded el tren, with a Yes & Know pad in-hand (ours was for ages 11-111 only), and headed on down like the Warriors going to Coney Island. 17 days later (or how long it takes to get from the UWS to CI), we made it to our destination. Not much to describe other than we got high on The Wonder Wheel (swinging car for swingers only), rode the best wooden coaster ever, The Cyclone, twice, rocked a wee bit of skeeball and carnie games, got major swamp ass from the batting cages, ate a forkload of Nathan's dogs, checked out bitz and pretzels of Electric Six, Blonde Redhead, and You Will Slow Us By The Smell Of The Dead (hard to hear music when a giant rollo coaster is right next to the stage), and also ate a mango on a stick! It was umcredible and here are some pictures of what umcredible looks like:

that thing gets pretty high wtf?

they're baaaaaaack my motto

like none other yer going down kobyashi!!

Ended the noche with 12 showers and then proceeded to the Spin after party at 6's & 8's round 2 AM. Didn't run into Ultrahotttttie, but boozed it up to the sweet tunes the DJ was a spinnin' (esp Blur's "There's Now Other Way").

Sunday July 18

Bored myself to tears with my first visit to the American Museum of Natural History. Didn't really have a "whale" of a good time looking at fake animals and Native peoples. My interests lie in the unknown, not the known. Therefore my cup of tea was filled in the space shills hizarea. Donated my liver and testicles and I still couldn't afford the $17.50 (discounted) ticket to the Tom Hanks' narrated Passport to the Universe flick. Eventually donated my sperm and we were clear for take off. The seats vibrated and I learned that our galaxy is in something called the Virgo Super Cluster. If I ever got that far away from Earth, I'd be so cluster-f%#ked. Wrapped it up with a quick trek round the best American art museum, El Met, scarfed down some mad kill-ill-ah pizza at Big Nick's, passed out, then woke up for a nite of magical HBO.

Life hasn't been this grand since I was circumcised.

The Weak End That Was Neither Weak Nor Seemed To End Part I 

What an f-in weak end it was folks. I hadn't walked, seen, ate, and done so much stizz in one weekend since Coachella-Hellz Yealla-So Much To Tella-Lets Spread On The Nutella!! And without further Freddy Adu, here wees go:

Friday July 16th

always a good way to kill time
As I killed three hours in Times Square waiting for Curious George's mum to arrive I must have been approached by 76 people trying to sell me some comedy show tickets. I should make a tee saying "No, I DON'T like stand-up comedy, bizatch." Anywho, CG's mum's Chinatown buss took 6 friggin hours to get to NYC and I was bitting my finger nails and chain-smoking the entire time. You see, we had to get our a$$es to the Meadowlands to see the Prince do his thang. Luckily, when we got to the Continental Airlines Arena, the Purple One had yet to perform a note.

Over the next 2 and 1/2 + hours, I would not be taking in a concert, but a perfromance (same thang with Madonna, Simon & G-Funk, and Bjork concerts). Let me tell YOU folks, before you die, you should eat at all the places listed on this site AND see Prince at least once. Gawd does his Princeness be looking super mad fantastic. He ages as gracefully as Dick Clark. And whatever diet he's on, I want to be on too. He must of gone on this tour just so he could tell if the public still loved him. Answer: we do. He would constantly make gestures for applause, sort of like the whoring that Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne does, cept the Prince-dawg hactually deserves it. The guy has got to be one of the must talented musicians of all time. He's like Hendrix, James Brown, and Elvis all rolled into one. Sure Elvis was king, but he didn't write any songs or make purple look so good.

we were partying like it was 1984
The show's stage was pretty basic, but ideal for an arena concert. It was a giant cross so not only could more people see him from all around, but he could sell more tickets to his show. I engoruage all rockstars to do the same thing. Everybody wins. Anywho, on to the music!!! Looking at other set lists from this tour, it appears that each show is pretty much the same from one to the next. It seemed like he played anything and everything... until later over the weekend, I listened to his CDs and realized he didn't really play everything. I was kinda bummed he didn't give us a lil "Delirous" love, but I live. The highlights were mainly in his acuostic set where he jammed "Little Red Corvette", "Cream", "Raspberry Beret" and "Alphabet Street." He closed that lil sesh with my personal fav "7" and used that as a perfect transition to bring his umcredible backing band back on stage. The only thing that was missing during "7" was a tamborine, which some dumpy chick 10 rows ahead of me glady brought with her to the show. Where was that tamborine during his cover of Beyonce's "Crazy In Love"? The only lowlights of the whole thang was when Prince would hold up his microphone in the air and let the audience fill in the blanks to the verses and choruses. We all know yer songs P-diddy, but I didn't really drop a C-note to hear someone else sing them. Methinks it was an attempt to stop bootleggers, as the Nurple One is quite protective over his works.

And to sum things up, Prince has "got the look", "I would die for" him, I went f-in "crazy", and "nothing compares 2" him. Nothing.

Sunday, July 18

HBO:
Home Box O'Rockin!! 

Listen now rude boys, if you don't have HBO by now, it's time to stop buying that monthly porno and hunker down a whopping $12.95 a month before I come to yer MASH (mansion, apartment, shack, or house) and beat you down. And if you don't even have cable, it's time to denounce yer citizenship and head back to Mother Russia you communist swine. America was built on cable TV. Why do you think dem Pilgrims left England? 5 channels of snooker and woman's curling? Eggggzactly. Anywho, get HBO, NOW. Why o rye? Cause tonight's presentations of Six Feet Underful and the brand spankin' new Da Ali G Show were so phat, they were off the pH scale (not an acid, nor a base).

I have berry high eggspactations for this season's Da Ali G Show and the first episode did not let me down one megabyte. Classic Ali G (the ATF canine bit was umcredible). Classic Borat (Polaroids speak louder than words). And yes, even classic Bruno (wanted to give a gay converting pastor a lap dance). I hadn't laughed this much since the Calvin Coolidge administration.

And now for Six Feet Fumendercheese love. This show does not quit. Alan Ball is so on the ball that he's the Pele of TV. Tonight's ep was one of the best of the entire series. Period! Exclamation point. I won't get into sordid details about what happened, as I'd prefer you actually watch the replay sometime this week on HBO14MST (HB0-14-Mountain Standard Time), but it was one of the most terrifying and gut-wrenching episodes of not only Six Fleet, but of telly-vision in the last few years. If only The Sopranos were half as good as Feet Thunder in its 4th season. I think they were too busy arguing over a cannoli and doing the same things 32 times over. Anywho, bravo Alan Ball. May Hollywood just keep throwing money at you, cause yer one of the few who actually deserve it.

And here's yer sorta-weekly Rachel Griffiths Bitched @ Swirth (sorry, but she does sort of scare me like dem puppets from The Dark Crystal):

this has gotten outta hand

Isn't it about time you got HBO? And as an added bonus, you get some show called Entourage co-starring Kevin Dillon. Yes, Kevin Dillon.

Friday, July 16

Jack-A$$ of All Trades
Master of None 

Some say breast bidness card ever...

orgies and segways, sounds like an Oasis b-side

[Card via Newbs]

Lettuce Give Her
A Hand... Job 

get yer stinkin hands of Her Royal Thighness!! 
Pic love via Shady Harry's Son
- Peace the fork out goes to the founder of Gold's Gym. "Gym? What's a gym? Oh! A gym!"

- Word on the street is that this guy loves to get intoxicated. And so does this sorta-NSFW cartoon (turn on sound). [Links via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Earlier this week, thanks to Levitticus, me and Ms Megbot checked out a taping of the The Graham Norton Effect. G Nort has got to be one of the funniest and cheekiest mother stickers in the entire world. His guests were Mac Culkin and RuPaul. I thought I Love the 90s was on VH1, not Comedy Central. Anwyho, he gave RuPee a very special deck of G W Bush cards that make a great gift for Labor Day.

- Remember ladies, never let yer b or g-friends take nudie pics of you as they may end up here. [NSFW Link via Tim 'Going Back to Cali' Fudgerino]

- I'm foaming at the mouth reading the deetz on Bjork's next masterthing Medulla, which drops on August 31st.

- Everything you ever wanted to know about Mulholland Dr, but we're too perplexed to axe.

- And speaking of enigmas, what's the deal with NJ and not being able to pump yer own gas?

- It's no Chuck-E-Cheese stizz, but these would also make great Labor Day gifts. [Link via Seltzer with an 'H']

- Hurry up NYseers cause this weekend be yo last chance to play the arcade versions of Frogger, Missile Command, Space Invaders, and me personal fav, Tron at the Museum of the Moving Image's BLIP collection.

- And here's yer melon-scratching headline for the day: Man Learns He's Dead, Thanks to Blind Ex-Wife

you are no Jessie Owens Sen Kerry!!
[Pic love via Navi]

Have a killah weak end peeps. I'm off to see the Purple One in NJ, but maybe we can all meat up at Nathan's or the batting cages during the Siren Fest. I'll be the one wearing a trucker hat and an ironic t-shirt. That's right folks, time 1nce again to break out yer Hipster Bingo cards.

 

odd man out?


Thursday, July 15

A Cinderella Story
Not Awful 

i know something else that could use some waxing
Our thighs may be wide shut, but our lips aint sealed no mo!!! I've said some purty nasty things about the Duff in the past, but the thymes, they is a changing!! And plus, now that the Lohan recently became a legal beagle, I need to shift my attentions/lustings to someone else unreachable and inappropriate. But don't get yer panties and pantries in a bunch folks, cause this dot organization will still be the 2nd most rockinest LL site next to LLRocks.com, ovs course. Anywho, enuff about that shells and more about the Duffdiver. As a parting gift to my dear gal Paint by Number Pony, I took her to a screening of A Cinderella Story, sponsored by my most favorite magazine next to Latin Inches, Family Circle.

The first half of the "film" was more predictable than watching that kid on yer left falling onto the pavement for the 17th time. Think She's All That with less Prinze Jr. Plain Jane has a terrible life. Her dad died in an earthquake and is forced to be raised by her wicked step-mum (the ever cleavaged Jennifer Coolidge) and evil step-sistahs. She's even forced to work at a diner! Oh the horror!!! Plain J dreams of going to Princeton and meets a feller from her high school on-line who wants to do the same thing. Our Jane keeps texting and IMing this Mr Right, who
i wonder who that hot chick that looks like the duffster under the mask is?
happens to be... wait for it... the school's hunky QB, Mr Kool, but neither of them know it!!! Cue stoopid school dance with annoying DJ where the two will finally cross paths and destinies. Our Mr Kool is dressed as Prince Charming and our Jane as Cinderella. But here's the catch, she's wearing a mask, that barely covers her eyes, so her identity will remain a secret. The two share a magical evening filled with touching each other's backs, until our Jane has to go back to work at the diner!! The whorer!!! I mean horror!!! Jane runs off before she reveals herself and Mr Kool is left with her cell phone. C'mon Mr Kool, how can you get into Princeton if you can't even figure out that the chick with the slammin body isn't Plain J? You can probably guess where the movie goes from here, but I'll leave that to yer imagination as I guess none of you will see this movie ever.

Anywhoitz, this movie isn't great, it's not even good. Not even Paul Rodriguez's appearance as the diner's chef drums up any humor. And the best part of the movie was when the credits rolled to the tune of her and her sister's rendition of "Our Lips Are Sealed." But who cares? It was my first Duffmuncher flick and it was truly lust at first sight. I want to play with her hair using my toes. I want to rub ice cubes on her lips (the ones on her mouth silly) all day long. I want to spread JIF peanut butter all over her nose and lick it off with my tongue filled with jelly. I want to watch her get all wet gliding on a Slip 'n Slide until the cows cum home. Maybe I can help mend the fences that have been built between her and the Lohan's "retarded" feud.

Pee es - Now you can have the Fluffy Duffster call you or your friends!! [Link via Ultrahotttttie]

Say Hello To My
Not So Little Friends 

you can't spell 'fun bags' without 'fun'
- The Lohan and her two funbag friends just netted a $7 mil payday for something called Lady Luck. Don't get yer flags at full staff yet folks, it's directed by the genius behind How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. At least she has enuff cheddar now to pay for a 3-piece dinner at Popeyes on our first date. She's a thigh kinda girl and I'm obvs-vee-es-lee a breast man.

- Speaking of HRT (Her Royal Thighness), The Raider of Panties and pantries finally falls victim to her charms and aforementioned funbag friends. It's about friggadero time. After reading this site for months, you either go blind, become a priest, or pull down yer pants during screenings of Mean Girls. And for the record Seps, me and the Grambs run dot organizations, not jump each other's bones.

- I'm get hungry just reading about the Thinker's eggsploit-plantations in Hungary. Who knew they loved Weezie so dang much?

- Fun with Newbs, fishing, and photoshoppe.

- My girl Chelonia has a knack for Bitched @ Swirth too.

- What's scarier than Jaws 3-D? Your baby in 3-D.

- All the original membazzz of the Wu-Tang Clan are ready to re-form like Voltron. Does this include honoree clansman Bill Murray?

- Mommy likes to tear shit up on her Nash board. Does she rock out to EMF and sport Vision Street Wear too?

the adjective unfunny was missing from that statement
- Slim-Fast dumps Whoopi. Some say it's cause she gives HJs to the two Johns, but I say it's cause their Find Whoopi's Eyebrows Contest was a complete bust.

- Bored? [Link via Tim The Fudger]

- Lois Lane 2004, do as Andre 3000 sez and "spread for me".

- Ask me if I care.

- Yes, it's true what they all are saying, Andy Dick's The Assistant is Hugo and it's BOSS!!! Maybe that whole idea about a 24-Hour reality tee-vee channel isn't such an awful idea aftertall.

- Phew, Absolute Handsome the elephant is cleared of dem pesky murder charges.

Wednesday, July 14

Summer Reading, PA 

the only book u'll ever need
Sunday can't come soon enuff. Booyakasha!
[Pic love via Tim "Acu Punch Her" Altie]

Jeo-Party 

dont touch me alex
- Ken is bigger than Jesus!!

- Field Day Festival on for July or August 2005? I'm sure it will get cancelled 10 minutes before the first band is set to go on and thus Andrew Dreskin will have a Failed Day 2 on his hands. And by the weigh, get rid of this ye olde stinkbag website... no one cares what yer next move is.

- It's a tough time to be named Michael. I should know (although my first name is really Thigh). The most heteroflexible name around is also the title of the most heteroflexible song since Air's "Sexy Boy". Damn you Franz Ferdeez-nuts!!! I don't want to ever hear this phrase coming out of another man's mouth, "Come all over me, Michael!"

- Bestest/stoopidistist political thing since the Howard Dean remix-eggsplosion: this. [Linka via Navi]

- OK, now forget about Carey and Busch. Let's get Ditka one step closer to the White Huis. [Link via My Man Marvkus]

- Nuewe Yorkers: Why pay to see M Night Shamalangadingdong's The Village when you can see it for free? Here's my guess on how the plot thickens: Unknown forces from forest scare people from Pennsylvania and eventually they have to confront them. The Pencil-vain-ens eventually figure out that the unknown forces have a phobia of rutabagas and run them out of town. And somewhere in there M Nigh Sha-dingdong has a 17 minute cameo.

- More free: The Sugar Hill Gang rocks the South Street Seaport Thursday at 6 pm. I hear they do a 43 minute version of "Rapper's Delight". [Heads up via The Biz vs the BJNewms]

i dare dave coulier to tell the flav to 'cut it out'
- How come almost a month passed and no one had informed me that Surreal Life: Round 3 was a go until yesterday? It's peace out to the Double-U-B and hello-mello VHOne. Onboard this go around is the rather impressive line-up of Charo, Dave Coulier, Flava Flav, NKOTBester Jordan Knight, Brigitte Nielsen, and some American Idol finalist douche bag. Unfortunately, none of these housemates were who I had in mind. I can't believe they passed on The Fat Boys, Poochie, Yakov Smirnoff, the Lohan, and JD Salinger (click for pre-Thigh Master musings)! [Gawd bless you for the knowles-edge Senor Gombiergas]

- Best flea market score evers!

- David Grohl bangs his gong for Nine Inch Nails. Is a Tupac collaboration far behind?

- Please die Clear Channel. Last VV article, I promise!

- Bad Idea Jeans: Fox's 24-hour reality channel AND Basic Instinct 2.

- "Peeping Tom" explained!

- And yer headline del dia: Man Jailed for Shooting Off His Testicles.

Tuesday, July 13

Britney in 20 Years? 

is the beer available for a date?

Honey, I don't think yer gonna find a ton of dates with this photo. Plus what's the story with the kid in the background holding a lightsaber? [Pic love via Ceffie]

Freckle Juicy 

her back to my future
- Lohan. Side Boobies. Grambo. What do all of these words have in common? They all rock the cashbar and they all led me to this fine piece of photography on your left that even has Ansel Adams jizzing in his grave.

- The Thighs spies painted the town red last night in honor of newly discharged compadre DJ Cackensen at Meatpacking District's overblown trattoria Vento. The food was so unplentiful that it wouldn't even fill an anorexic. Speaking of, guess who was sitting right behind us, none other than Heather "please only wear roller skates" Graham and Molly Shannon "Yogurt". Heather looked slammin' in the red jump suit she was sporting and Molly Shannon had pasta.

- In news no one would care about but me and the inventor of Tetris: Russian duo Smash! not the male t.A.T.u.

- Did Trainspotting single handedly reestablish the British film industry, only later to destroy it? Who cares? It was worth hearing Begbie say, "That wee lassie got glassed, and no cunt leaves till I find out what cunt did it".

- The slowest episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire ever: Ken Jennings' current run on Jeopardy. Looks like he'll hit that million dollar mark on tonight's show. I bet Alex beats off to Ken behind that podium.

- Hope the latest Greecian power outage doesn't put a damper on the Badminton matches. And is it too late for me to join the Olympic torch relay in Crete? Hear the green fields and local crops are lovely this time of year.

- Sacha Baron Cohen, the genius behind the G of Ali, wants some respek as a serious actor, but Hollywood aint having it. They don't know what they're missing. SBC is the Gary Oldman of comedy. An f-in chameleon. Anywho, don't forget, new season begins this Sunday.

- Sonic Youth will be playing Webster Hall on Friday August 13. Tickets are available now from TicketWeb. Just use promotional code is "nurse". Tickets are $25 and go onsale to the general public Wednesday July 14 @ noon.

- Best news since Lindsay Lohan turned 18: McG OUT as director of new Superman flick. Word is Jake Darkogynehalllelal is out too. Just let Dick Donner direct and pick the best possible candidate for the man of abs of steel: Tom Welling, who Time Werespanko dubbed, "The greatest living actor."

what the fuck is a frush?
- For Shit Magazine (FHM) did a nice lil reunion piece on Revenge of the Nerds. Too bad they couldn't land Poindexter, despite the petition signed by the kid who played Worsmer.

- Famous people's deaths are the latest rage like spatulas. Don't get left out in the cold peoples. Sign up at CelebrityDeathBeeper.com.

- If there was a biopic about Arnold Schwarzenegger, who would you cast? Was the name Jurgen Prochnow at the top of your list?

- Biggest dick move: Iranian Man Dodges Suicide Pact With Bride.

- Orioles' pimp daddy, Miguel Tejada hit a record 27 dingbats in last night's All-Star Home Run Derby contest. The boy is on my squad and I couldn't care less. Is it football season yet?

- Meet the next group of British kids who will be subjected to jailbait lust in years to come: the cast of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

- Before he was the Franz Ferdifrontman, Alex Kapranos was the king of the Karelias. Well, someone thinks they can make a quick buck off of this and thus, their 1997 album, Divorce At High Noon, is going to be reissued. Hide your women and children Grambs.

- How bout this for a headline: Odor May Be Clue To Missing Airport Fish. Somebody call Tom Ridge and tell his a$$ to raise the terror level to Mountain Dew Code Red.

- And a friendly word of advice, never go into business with a guy named Jello or Biafra.

Monday, July 12

Bad Trend Gets Worser
More Peacing The F@#k Out 

behind every great man, is a great woman

Isabel 'Weezy Jefferson' Sanford
Movin' On Up
(to heaven)
1917-2004

Sordid Tales From A 55-Hour Husband 

i'd walk a mile in his cock
Will the fake Jason Alexander please stand up? He has and is spilling all of the details of his quickie marriage/banging of the Spears. Fake Alexander sez Britney "was an animal in bed" and apparently in the shower and bathtub as well. "The sex was mind-blowing and rough. We did it in every position you could think of." This sounds like every boy and middle-aged sickos' ultimate fantasy/wet dream come true!! And major props and kudos bars go out to the fake Alexander who railed her before she truly became el trasherino with her smoking and hobo beau Kevin. I mean, who cares if J Alex ever gets laid again, he nailed the one. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Is It Football Season Yet? 

my true religion

Sunday, July 11

CBS Throwing Mad Isms
Especially For Lindsay!! 

charles kuralt is gawd
I love happy accidents. I randomly TiVoed today's CBS News Sunday Morning cause I wanted to revive the fond memories I had of watching it every week with my papa. We were Charles Kuralt groupies. Anywho, I almost fell over after what I saw. During a little piece they were doing on new words added to the dictionary (such as 'flash mob', 'metrosexual', and 'carbo-load'), they mentioned the word 'blogosphere' and shown on-screen at the same time was one of the hottest sites out there: Lindsayism.com, home to my other favorite Lindsay. F-in you go girl and you keep on going!!! Click here for the most ghetto clip of it as possible.

And for those of you keeping score at home, according to Wikipedia, 'blogosphere' was first coined by in '99 as a joke on this site (see Sept 10th entry) and later truly brought to life by Daily Pundit's chief pimp, William Quick, on a January 1st, 2002 posting.

Purple Nurple 

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

That's what passes for entertainment these days?  Woozle Wuzzle?
More like, AnchorBoo: The Legend of Ron Broke-ness. Sure, the movie produced a handful of laughs (the "I'm in a glass case of emotion!" scene hespecially), but is that enuff to constitute a complete comedy? I laugh more at the Japanese animated porn I work with, which is unintentionally funny, than this sorry eggscuse for a Will Ferrell movie. Don't get me wrong, the man is a comic genius and all the Reese’s pieces were there for success, but the script was unacceptable and was completely misemployed on WF and the rest of the talented supporting cast (Fred Willard, Paul Rudd, and Steve Carell). Even the cameos were wretched. Spoiler a-lert!!! You'd think that guest appearances by Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Jack Black, and even an afroed Tim Robbins would be masterstrokes of brilliance, but all of dem talents were wasted too!! And let’s get one thing straight here peoples: I don't care how much you love him, but Vince Vaughn is not only a bad actor, but he's not even an actor. Sure, playing Norman Bates was a stretch, but he plays the same guy in every movie: himself. He's just dying to say, "So money baby," every friggiadero second. Basically A:TLORB is just as good as Starsky & Hutch (yet another Vince Vaughn movie), which is mos def not a good thing. Sorry folks, but this is a Slit Your Eyes Out Moovie. Go see a flick that actually contains genuine laughs, like Napoleon Dynamite or even this next one...

Secret Window

Wurst Johnny Depp movie. Wurst movie adapted from a Stephen King novel. And the wurst movie adapted from a Stephen King novel starring Timothy Hutton. Yessir, even wurst than The Dark Half. A great movie if you need to torture someone.

Purple Rain

time to get a haircut
I'll admit it, I never saw the whole movie as a youngin, juss bitz and Reese's pieces of it. Maybe cause it was Rated R or the fact that I was too scared of everything at the time, including drummer Bobby Z with that pencil-thin mustache (sorry, could not even find one picture, but here are a couple o links of former Revolutionaries: Dr Matt Fink and Dez Dickerson). But I had to see it as I'm going to the Purple One's concert this Friday in NJ of all places. Now whenever someone sees an 80s' movie years after it was released, it's never going to be as good as people make it out to be. Eggzample: if you peeped Top Gun for the 1st time tomorrow, you'd think it was more awfulerest than League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Purple Rain as an album is unrelievable, but as a movie, it really wasn't that intriguing... besides the bit where Apollonia takes her top off and jumps into a frigid Lake Minnetonka. I was hoping for another Pink Floyd's The Wall or The Who's Tommy, but it was more like Spiceworld, without Alan Cumming of course. But in the end, who really cares? The acting sux, but the music rocks, so does the guitar Apollonia buys for Prince, and so does Morris Day's mustache and crazy dancing skillz. Did I mention Apollonia's fun bags?

Veronica Guerin

I can't bee leave it, Joel "Suck-maker" Schumacher not only made one umcredible biopic, but probably the best movie of his entire career. OK, maybe that's not such a grand statement, since his best movie is The Lost Boys and his worst list would require 15 pages of blogging, but this is one powerful f-in movie. Cate Blanchett plays VG, the real-life Irish journalist who aimed to bring down a group of drug dealers no matter what. Along the way the drug dealers try intimidate her by beating and shooting her, but she won't quit til justice has been served. I won't reveal much more, but this is a Muss C people Netflixer folks!! See it NOW!

For Those LL's
About To Rock... 

most anticapted album since Pearl Jam's Vs
- The Lohan just inked a long-term record deal with Tommy Mottola's Casablanca Records. The press are already trying to dub her L-Lo. As my girl would say, that's so "retarded".

- Is this the unofficial sequel to the Tron guy with the male camel toe? [Link via the girl who's name meanith "brownish-yellow"]

- Kerry/Edwards? [Link via Navi]

- I Gave My Cat an Enema. [Link via Cef-niddle-naddle]

- I swear, I'm not the sicko behind this website: LindsayLohanSexTape.com. But they did have a link to this fun NSFW thang where boobies move.

- Who do I have to sleep with in order to get Madness to tour America?

- My Man Marvkus has found my future wife (and no, its not the Lohan). Call me forever smitten.

- And finally, if you haven't already done so, I beg you to watch Ali G's speech at Harvard's graduation (starting at 01:27:34). It's more entertaining than most of NBC's programming for the last 5 years.

Saturday, July 10

Peace The F@#k Out 

he was good with his hands

Jeff Smith
Cook In Peace
1939-2004

The Next Citizen Kane 

does it get any better than this?

Starring Ross K Doji as the seed of Chucky

of course it doesnt!

Friday, July 9

Lohan Getting Out Of Hand 

last thing on my mind b4 i go to bed, 1st thing on my mind when i wake up
OK, I think my infatuation with the Lohan has given me permanent brain damage, but not in a bad way. Normally I don't remember my dreams tat all, but last night's was a keeper. Somehow I was able to meet the Lohan and we discussed dating. She laid out some ground rules, most I can't recall, but one was that I refrain from saying, "and like you know" at the end of all my sentences. Regardless, if she told me I had to shave my eyebrows and drink tuna juice all day, I was going to abide like the Dude. I mean, c'mon, it's the f-in Lohan. We discussesesed numerous things, like me living in the UK for five months and how much she rocked, and we both smiled a lot at each other. However, during our lil intimate chat two things were running thru my mind (in both my dream's mind and my real life mind): the fact that she's 18 and I'm twentysomething AND the fear that she would discover all the lusty postings I wrote in her honor on TWS.org. We parted ways for a few hours and I went to where I actually work. Later on, she came by my work and sat-in on a meeting. When my boss came in, she asked me why my "girlfriend" was in the room. I was kinda mumbling, cause she wasn't eggzactly my girlfriend yet and I couldn't explain why she was there either. Anywho, I don't remember much more and I woke up with the flag at the top of the pole. This is one of those very times where Billy Ocean's wisdom really shines thru: "Get out of my dreams. Get into my car."

 

Flowers for Alger-NOT!!!!!!!!!1

Thursday, July 8

Thighs Like Us 

the first movie ever targeted towards the dumb, deaf, and blind!!

- Don't forget folks, what is sure to be the worst movie with the word 'sleep' in its title opens tomorrow!! And here's one commercial you won't find me in!!

- The lesbians duo formerly known as t.A.T.u. are off to London to record their next hot album. Meanwhile, 6-month pregnant Julia Volkova has quit smoking and using cosmetics for the sake of her baby's health.

- I think someone's been reading my mind cause these peoples be selling a mirror that will allow meself to watch meself giving meself a BJ!! [NSFW link via NSFW King, T "Fudgie" Alts]

- Our Thighs spies on the street spotted the Lohan at the Cali DMV the other day getting a new license. Supposedly, she had a personal assistant with her there trying to help her understand how to stand in line and be a normal person at the DMV. [Smut via Cef-dawg]

- Steve Gutenberg, your career aint over just yet. Plans are underway for an 8th Police Academy movie. Rest in peace Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry. [Good word via K-Pax-Man]

- What the Tim "Fudgie" Altie is this?

- Two plays I predict that will close after a week: a Monty Python Holy Grail musical and a Mario Cantone one-man show.

- Don't let Michael Whoore tell you who to vote for. Just vote for the candidate who'd be the most helpful during a keg stand. [Link via the Thinker]

- Va-va-voom has officially become a word. That's so f-in metrosexual, but not really heteroflexible.

- Breast/wurst reality show idea ever: Amish & The City.

america loves shaved bush
- To hell with Garbage Pail Kids, cause Wacky Packages are back!!

- Just cause Ving Rhames is bald, doesn't mean he's Kojak. Does that mean he'll be in an "urban" remake of Annie as Daddy Warbucks?

- In the world of fast food, its Steak n' Shake vs Burger King for the use of the word "steakburger", in a cage match to the death!! And a man was arrested after calling up an area McDougal's and ordering the management to strip search and sodomize a female employee!! Hold the f-in tomato people!!! [Links via Flea's Ho-Bag]

- Man arrested after he stole a 9-year-old's socks.

- And the best headline of the day: A blind Canadian student barred from English classes because his guide dog only responds to commands in French has now been allowed to attend the course

Hair Bears 

Wees got a sneak preview at the monstrously long documentary about the #1 hair band in the world, Metallica: Some Kind of Monster. As my theory goes, no documentary is truly awful, and this one, about a band I could care less about, is certainly not awful. Mos def worth a peep. Here's what I learned:

- Apparently this flick isn't too much of a draw as the theater was maybe 2/3 full. A rarity for a screening. I also won a t-shirt that looked like it had an abortion on the front of it. I later used it as a diaper.

- It took Metallica over 700 days and many clams to record their latest, St Anger. It took los White Stripes 10 days and cost less than 10 K to produce their master-thing Elephant. You tell me, what's the better investment?

- Lars Ulrich probably has one of the worst collections of art I've ever seen.

- I could never be in a band cause my ego would leggo everyone else's eggo.

- New bassist Robert Trujillo's name and face sorta looks like super-character actor Danny Trejo's.

- Children playing drums is always funny.

- Kirk Hammett has two m's and two t's in his last name. He also doesn't take a side and isn't too articulate. His hair is a giant mess too.

- Their producer, Bob Rock, wishes he was in the band. He also looks like a cross between Jackie The Joke Man Martling and Nick Nolte.

- Dave Mustaine is alive and sort of not well. He's still bitter about being kicked out of Metallica and probably bitter than he has orange pubes.

- James Hetfield's new look, is much more rockin than his old one.

- They hired the rapist, I mean a therapist to help with their issues. He was nebbish and wore Bill Cosby-esque sweaters. And by the end of the album's recording, he wanted to be in the band too.

- Lars' papa, Torben Ulrich looks like a one of the dudes in ZZ Top if he was left in a dryer too long.

- This doc needs about 45 minutes cut out of it. I felt longer than Hoop Dreams (170 minutes).

- When a fire alarm is flashing during your movie, you should probably leave the theater. None of us did, as the doc was almost over, but when we left, there were a plethora of firemen and the smell of smoke.

- Someone please make a G 'n' R doc. And get them to reunite already. Nickel PLEASE!!!

Adolf Oliver Clothesoff 

the new flag of North Korea
- I think I'm going to renounce my US citizenship and become a comrade in North Korea. Why might you ask? Cause ill Kim Jong Il has made hamburgers his country's top priority. "I've made up my mind to feed quality bread and french fries to university students, professors and researchers even if we are in (economic) hardship." [Link via Brand Newbsian]

- Tupac Shukar has had more resurrections than the Jewish community of DC has had circumcisions. Next up for the Pac, a brand new album w/Eminenememnemnen on board.

- John Malkovich has signed on to play master painter Gustav Klimt in a new flick. I also think he'd be perfect for the lead in the penis eating cannibal project currently in development.

- Paris Hilton moments of the week: pouring boiled crawfish into two purses and whoring up a poor unsuspecting 13 year old Cajun girl.

- Meet Tony Kornheiser's TV wife.

- Slow day at Billboard.com, eh? Look at this berry similar headlineszez: New Weezer Album Moving Slowly AND Strokes Moving Along On New Material. I'm sir prized we didn't see Kerry Moving Fast & Furious On Gephardt For VP Album!

- Look at fried-egg teets turn into magical bouncing melons. [NSFW link from NSFW king, Tim "Fudger" Altie]

- Phish's farewell show has sold out. Hopefully this will be the last time we humans ever have to smell patchouli.

more bang for your buck than any concert
- And if I were to ever follow a band around the world it would have to be the Cumshots. Looks like they put on the greatest show on Earth! [Link 1nce again via Newbsies]

- Hungarian children love bin Laden, Saddam, and even Stalin more than they love George W Bush. Hopefully we can get a live report on this from The Thinker sometime soon as he's there right now, but rumor has it, he was traded for 6 rugs and 3 camels.

- Two horrible games. Both slightly entertaining. One offensive. One just plain stoopid. [Links via Zach de la Roachclip and My Man Marvkus]

- Best blog with a Hebraic name: Shalom One Time.

- In con-clue-shun, I don't ask for donations, but if you really wanted to be a doll, buy me a bottle of Moxie Cherry Cola, RC Cola, and Leninade, the drink for the masses! Gawd bless you Soda King. And m'yes, gawd bless you too Fake Dr Pepper site.

Wednesday, July 7

Attack of The Female Drivers 

Last week, some Hawaiian woman gave new meaning to the term car pool

this is one way to get a car washed

And this past weekend, some old Massivetwoshits geezer lady found a great parking spot for her Ford Taurus... on top of someone's roof!!

the geezer was doing the opposite of raising the roof

Almost Shameless 

Q: What's the hottiest commercial on TV right now?

A: The Napoleon Dynamite one featuring your Master o Thighs and his humble opinion of the movie (complete with signature monotone voice).

now i have no chance of ever becoming famous

And here's the backstory for you late bloomerz.

Btw- I'm too lazy, so Box Office Bidness will return next week!

Keys To The Cit-tay 

The Thigh Daddy and two babelicious Akronites (Megbot & Ba-Ba Zakades) peeped fellow Akronites the Black Keys' short, but sweet and low performance at the World Financial Center last night. Sure, all their songs sound alike, but hey, that sound rocks more than all the rubber in Akron.

a two member band wit no bassist? sounds familiar amish are always camera shy

Tuesday, July 6

Donna Martin Consummates 

the only nipples that give me a reverse boner
- Blind man marries Tori Spelling. Somewhere David Silver breathes a sigh of relief and Screech Powers is contemplating suicide.

- This is where the world's finest vaginas go.

- Is this guy the Lenny Bruce of Winnebagos? [Link via Posh & Beckser]

- May be old news, but it was just brought to my attention that picking your nose and eating it may make you healthier. With this and french fries being considered a fresh veggie, its only a matter of months before Norman Chad's Tour de Couch becomes a reality. [Link via Senor Gombergos]

- Who knew that David Koresh was such bad-a$$? [Link via RayKwan the Chef vs Meth vs Chef Boyardee]

- Jacky White dropped by TheWhiteStripes.net for a lil Q & A. Word is that they may head back into the studio this summer, he's never gonna repair his mangled hand, there'll be a CD release of all their B-sides, Fritz Lang rocks, the jihad on the documentarian is still in effect, Peru may be in the cards, and Rene Zellweger puckers her lips too dang much. Read the whole transcript here.

- Related to Genghis Khan? Then you can get yerself some free eats!! And if yer related to Chaka Khan, you can get, er, um, uh, ah, nothing!

- Fish can be so heteroflexible sometimes.

- Go ahead, Rate My Implants. [NSFW Link via Tim "Fudger" Altie]

three heads are better than Nixon
- One of the most umcredible/hands-on museums in the world, The American Museum of the Moving Image has assembled quite an impressive backlog of Presidential campaign commercials. Boy do the ones wees got today suck asthma. I mean, czech out this Nixon anti-Hubert Humphrey spot... it looks like an episode of The Prisoner. F-in mint.

- Fattyboy Slim Jim's Palookaville drops Doc October 5th. I already know the collaboration with Damon Albarn is going to be more money than The Money Train.

- Fellow Jew Yorkers, enter to win passes to The Bourne Supremacy or some movie that might as well be called JuJu Bees.

- Finally, what's going to be the worst date movie since my friend Joel took a gal to see Kevin Bacon molest kids in Sleepers? This one.

Thighs At The Moovies 

Spider-Man 2

slippery when wet
Ebert called it the best of its genre since 78's Superman. I wouldn't disagree with that statement, since most of the other super hero flicks have been udder sh#t (However, could Leonard Part 6 be considered a super hero movie?). Everything in this second installment has been doubled. Double the cheezy, yet effective effects, double the Peter Parker dorkishnessness, and double the amount of Kirsten Dunst. They even were smart enuff to include a scene where she gets soaking wet again. Lest we forget about her bouncing boob scene too [Bless you f.u.b.a.r.]! Willem Dafoe's baddie shoes are hard to fill, but my man Alfred Molina ("Throw me the idol and I'll throw you the whip") comes thru with flying tentacles. Doc Oc ROX the blox! Although his character deserved more screentime (as long as it doesn't cut into Dunst's o course). I won't get into plot details, but it's basically the story of Seabiscuit's jockey coming to terms with leading a duel life. C'mon Tobes, I don't care what buildings/people are on fire, if Kirsten Dunst wants to hump your leg for most of the movie, you throw away that panzy-a$$ suit of yers and let her have her way with you. We'd understand!! The time flew and before I knew it, the Dashboard Confessional theme song was playing. Me was like, dang, #3 is going to off the meat and coat rack!! If only it includes 3 hours of Kirsten Dunst's rack. It's Muss C peeps... duhvs!

The Decalogue: Disc 1: Films I - III

Word around the artsy fartsy film community is that director Krzysztof Kieslowski's 10 part Polish TV mini-series about the Ten Commandments, The Decalogue, is all that and a bag of UTZ' Carolina BBQ chips. Well, guess what, it's even more boring than it sounds. I don't even want to bother sleeping thru IV-X. If you want to see pieces by the master, czech out his Trois Couleurs trilogy or the G Ribisi/C Blanchett-a-thon, Heaven, which is basically his A.I... No, not a sci-fi robot thang, but an unfinished movie, completed by another fantab director: Run Lola Run's helmster, Tom Tykwer.

Stark Trek IV: The Voyage Home

a whale of a good time
OK, this movie is older than the crust in my Calvin's, but its mos def worth a second look. Seriously. It is by far the funniest Leonard Limoy movie ever. The Spockmiester even directed it too!! I mean, who could forget such classic lines as "Well, a double dumb ass on you!", "I think he did a little too much LDS.", and Scotty's conversation with a 20th century IBM, "Computer. Computer? Hello, computer."? I was also quite captivated by Whaleologist Catherine Hicks, who was bra-less for the entire movie. I guess the producers of 7th Heaven didn't see this before picking their matriarch.

The Right Stuff

How'd our space program ever get off the ground with Harry Shearer & Jeff Goldblum as the NAStronaut recruiters?

Monday, July 5

Gross National Products 

Congrats to Keyser Soze's boy Kobayashi

thats a lot of lips and a$$holes!!

Who defended his Mustard Belt at the annual
Nathan's of Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!!

A whiles back wees told you about Ali G's umcredible commencement speech at Harvard. David wells, you can now peep the whole dang thang. This is quite possibly, the greatest speech since the Gettysburg Address. Without further Freddy Adu, here's Ali G's Ghettosburg Address (FFwd to 01:27:34, unless you want to be bored for 90 minutes).

And how bout some love for Ali G's Kazakhstani cohort, Borat Sagdiyev. Remember this following classic exchange at the rodeo:

Borat - I once carry a woman against her will for near one mile.
Southern Man - You did? [to 2nd Southern Man] He carried a woman against her will for one mile!
2nd Southern Man - Oh really?!
Southern Man - Why'd you do that?
Borat - To show her my home
Southern Man - OK. She liked itwhen she got there?
Borat - Yees. She my wife now.

Well, Borat will be happy to learn that there's a Wife Carrying World Championship held every year in Sonkajarvi, Finland.

And just for good ole thyme shiz and kibbles, here's Drobnjak Manjaks' interactive website. This is about the best thing that the NBA has to offer.

[Major link love via Joe E Tartar and The Hof of the Nads]

Double Fantasy 

Since Six Feet Yonder was a repeat this past weak-end, I'll give Rachel Griffiths the week off from comparisons to Muppets. However, here are some other canny-dates for...

Bitched @ Swirth

if i had to choose, i guess i'd take the green one

Via the Raider of Panties and Pantries

&

so many varieties to choose from!
Always bet on black
Always buy our ketchup

Life, Liberty, & The Pursuit Of Stuffing Our Faces 

i dont count 50 stars on that cake!! i declared a jihad on this dip freedom is tasty stay away from my ass after eating this mo fo


Sunday, July 4

Let Freedom Bling-Bling 

this is what freedom means to me
- Peace the fudge out to Marlon Brando. We all knew you were in great debt and were hiding your Oscars for the collectors, but I don't think offing yourself was a good plan. Anywho, the greatest Brando memory for mees is his role as Superman's dad, Jor-El. The man was so ruff and tuff that he renamed his home planet of Krypton, "Kryp-tin".

- Lohan will join the ranks of Avril Lavigne, Wilson Phillips, and Kelly Clarkson by contributing a song to The Princess Diarrheas 2: Royal Engagement soundtrack. When the Lohan eventually goes on tour, she should pull a Beck and ask the Flaming Lips to be her backing band. Can you imagine? I do, every single noche when I hit the sac, before hitting the sack.

- Who looks like Gideon Yago and designs pouches for Burger King? Why The House of Ugoff of course!!

- Boo to the US Mint.

- Woman turns into Coke machine. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- NYC's ready to build an ugly building to replace two ugly buildings. Hey, how bout building a 2nd Ave line. I think that's a lil bit more important.

- At a concert in Naw Orleans, Prince was joined by old friends Sheila E, Chaka Khan, Morris Day and The Time, and many others to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Purple Rain. I guess we'll have to wait until 2010 for a Graffiti Bridge 20th year reunion. Somewhere, Tevin Campbell is praying daily for such an event.

- Coach K, for the love of gawd, take the money and run!! Please leave the f-in Dukies program, so they can suck my donkey's donkey balls for years to come, and let the Terps reign like Queen Victoria.

- And finally, merry 4th of Jewly everyone. Down with the red coats and up with plenty of free parking and 96 oz Big Gulps. However, I think we should all move to der Netherlands cause the gov-mint just supported a plan to improve the "quality" of their brothels. I knew we should have kept the name New Amsterdam. F-in lads. So ladbrokes.

Witness The Fitness 

We all have goals in life. Some of us want to be rich, other famous, some just want to receive hand jobs all day long, but me, I just want to post a 300 game in bowling... and receive hand jobs all day long. I'm more likely to date the Lohan than complete that feat. But whilst I was back in me ye olde stomping grounds (MoCo, Merryland), with fellow Lebowski Fest Achievers Joe E Tartar and RayKwan the Chef vs. Meth (The Hof of the Nads was absent), and the rest of the Poon-Tang Clan, My Man Marvkus, Guns 'n' Rosenthal, and Big Ben-haus in tow, I bowled the game of my f-in life. 231. I marked in 8 frames, and at one point, had 6 strikes in a row. A double turkey. So Gobble Gizzle. And I probably will never get higher than that. Unless I'm back in Amsterdam drooling all over myself and their special pancakes. Anywho, here's the proof.

i was throwing more rocks than Donnie
I knew I didn't get an A+
in bowling at IU for nuttin

Pee es - RayKwan the Chef finished up with a 200 in the same game. Peanuts to my 231 though. I'm turning pro.

Pee es 2 - Here's a video clip of the TV screen after hitting me 5th strike in a row. Notice "Love Shack" playing in the background.

Eating Is Fundamental 

Here I am eating Lohan out
what a piece of a$$ and cake
I'm sorry if you went blind after seeing this image

Saturday, July 3

 

knights in black satin

Friday, July 2

A Cake Walk 

Lindsay, me and the guys over at work love you so dang much, we boughts you this cake!!

made with real icing!!

You Say It's Yer Birthday? 

you are the sunshine of my life

The day hath finally come
And now we can all come in peace
Gawd bless Michael Lohan's super jizzle!

And gawd bless 18-year-old-buxom-freckled-red-head-superstar-tween-queens!!!

Dot Whorg 

OK folks. I f-in did it. Thighs Wide Shut has a new home: ThighsWideShut.org. I wanted the .com, but as we all know, some bastage cyber-shitter beat me to it. So everyone, please edit yer linkages/bookmarks/tattoos to reflect this change as the blogspot url will never get updated after this post. Enjoy!

Thursday, July 1

The Streets Are Alive
With The Sound Of Music 

camera phones are all the rage!!
The Streets
+ Dizzee Rascal

Irving Plaza

Hip-hop is dying of unorigniality. Jay-Z is jamming with Phish and his Black Album has been mashed-up with everything short of Soul Asylum's Grave Dancer's Union. But there's a truly unique voice coming straight outta the UK, who's breathing some new life into this fading genre. And that voice belongs to nun udder than Mike Skinner of The Streets. The dude basically talks about eating KFC and "birds, not bitches" over some of the illest na-na beats you ever did hear. Sorta like a cross between a stoned Henry Rollins and a less jaxxy Basement Jaxx. Now Mr Skinner's music isn't eggzactly for everyone, but then again, neither is munching on grundle-reeking foie gras.

Me and the Newbs were royally treated to a non-stop throw ya fingaz in the air-a-thon. As we both remarked, probably one of the most unrelievable hip-hop shows wees ever did peep. Mikey Skins brought along a bassist, a DJ, a drummer, and his umcredible backing vocalist, and it truly made all the difference. Every song they pounded out sounded even better than they do on the records... which is usually quite the opposite for live hip-hop shows. There were no "rhubarb and custard verses" to be found at last night's sha-blam-a-zam-zam. Highlights included the weepy "Dry Your Eyes", rolling "Fit But You Don't Know It", intense "Turn The Page", and o course, the bouncy "Lets Push Things Forward." How apt a song for a guy who's eggzactly doing that. Hip-hop has 99 problems, but The Streets aint one.

Google
Thighs Wide Shut

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?