Tuesday, November 30
November 30, 1982
A Date Which Will Live In Infamy
Gawd bless your Canuck parents for their umcredible DNA and love of boning, which helped to bring you into this world 22 years ago today! I bet you were smokin hot even with the umbilical cord attached to yer lil body.
And since I didn't have time to bake u a cake like I did for Lohan's 18th, I decided to pen you a lil B-day poem, my dearest Royal Thighness of them all...
And for those of you who aren't going to rent The Girl Next Door in her honor today, here's a highlight reel of her ultra-uber-super-hot-bod for you all to enjoy. [via Dougie Fresh Rheingold]
And since I didn't have time to bake u a cake like I did for Lohan's 18th, I decided to pen you a lil B-day poem, my dearest Royal Thighness of them all...
You were born in the 80s
And you be the finest of all the liz-adies
Stop teasing me with your 'maybes'
Isn't it time to make da babies?
Yer thighs
Hypnotize
And tantalize
And make men cries
Why are you so purrfect
Is beauty a birth defect?
I like it when we pet and neck
And finger bang whilst we listen to Beck
And for those of you who aren't going to rent The Girl Next Door in her honor today, here's a highlight reel of her ultra-uber-super-hot-bod for you all to enjoy. [via Dougie Fresh Rheingold]
| Coachella 2005 Line-Up?
All I can say is WOW!!! The only thing missing is The Fiery Furnaces, Cuthbert dancing in a cage, and a promise of unlimited chocolate-covered-bananas.
APRIL 30
·DAVID BOWIE
·NINE INCH NAILS
·PJ HARVEY
·INTERPOL
·THE FAINT
·FRANZ FERDINAND
·THE POLYPHONIC SPREE
·BOARDS OF CANADA
·TV ON THE RADIO
·YEAH YEAH YEAHS
·SQUAREPUSHER
·CLINIC
·FRENCH KICKS
·SECRET MACHINES
·PHOENIX
·BEEP BEEP
·DOGS DIE IN HOT CARS
·DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979
·THE HELIO SEQUENCE
MAY 1ST
·R.E.M.
·TEARS FOR FEARS
·WILCO
·MODEST MOUSE
·BRIGHT EYES
·JIMMY EAT WORLD
·MOS DEF
·BADLY DRAWN BOY
·THE STREETS
·SPOON
·CAKE
·THE POSTAL SERVICE
·THE SHINS
·SLEATER-KINNEY
·RILO KILEY
·RADIO 4
·DOVES
·IRON AND WINE
·THE ARCADE FIRE
·MOVING UNITS
Info taken from The Nine Inch Nails Hotline. Thanks to Shady H and Senor Gombergas for also sending along this info.
APRIL 30
·DAVID BOWIE
·NINE INCH NAILS
·PJ HARVEY
·INTERPOL
·THE FAINT
·FRANZ FERDINAND
·THE POLYPHONIC SPREE
·BOARDS OF CANADA
·TV ON THE RADIO
·YEAH YEAH YEAHS
·SQUAREPUSHER
·CLINIC
·FRENCH KICKS
·SECRET MACHINES
·PHOENIX
·BEEP BEEP
·DOGS DIE IN HOT CARS
·DEATH FROM ABOVE 1979
·THE HELIO SEQUENCE
MAY 1ST
·R.E.M.
·TEARS FOR FEARS
·WILCO
·MODEST MOUSE
·BRIGHT EYES
·JIMMY EAT WORLD
·MOS DEF
·BADLY DRAWN BOY
·THE STREETS
·SPOON
·CAKE
·THE POSTAL SERVICE
·THE SHINS
·SLEATER-KINNEY
·RILO KILEY
·RADIO 4
·DOVES
·IRON AND WINE
·THE ARCADE FIRE
·MOVING UNITS
Info taken from The Nine Inch Nails Hotline. Thanks to Shady H and Senor Gombergas for also sending along this info.
Monday, November 29
Changing Lois Lanes
My T-Mobile sponsored T-Giving weak is frinally over. It can all be summed up in these minimal words: pies inhaled, balls bowled, footballs footed, necks injured, and Her Current and Former Royal Thighnesseses playing cock-footsies with me under the table during the feast. And what kind of human would I be if I didn't thank all mi familia and friends for being some of the breastestest peoples on Earth, if not all of Maryland. Anywho, lettuce get this party started once again...
- All things Lohan: Paris Hilton and Bijou Phillips help her get her groove back, The Boston Herald thinks Wilmer stars on The O.C., her album drops on Dec 7th and the same day she'll appear on TRL, and she wants to give u a $500 shopping spree at Dooney & Bourke.
- What do you do when Fox News is yer daddy? You make SportCenteresque commercials. I guess I'd rather watch Christiane Amanpour get all silly nilly than Stuart Scott.
- UK's fab Top of The Pops (think a besterer American Bandstand) show is being demoted from BBC1 to BBC2. Me don't really care. Me just want dem Brits to put it back on BBCAmerica! I mean, where else am I going to see a group of teenagers sing ABBA songs AND be respected?
- Why do people keep employing Jeff George? That's like letting Marion Barry back into politics... again and again.
- Trainspotting scribe Irvine Welsh to give film directing a go.That's like letting Marion Barry back into politics... again and again.
- Is there anything better than the ACC? Yeah, the ACC without VTech, Miami, and BC.
- Hopefully this dude with extra digits on his hand AND foot has an alibi for the death of Inigo Montoya's father. If not, prepare to die.
- Me thinks the new U2 album frigginrocks is really good. Its scattered, smothered, and covered in elements of all of their previous albums for any fan to enjoy. Stand out track be 'City of Blinding Lights' and am I the only one not sick of 'Vertigo' yet? And why do I have this sudden urge to buy an iPod?
- Wanna know why Alexander is a flop? I mean who wants to see a movie about a guy 'as gay as a maypole' or who 'was defeated only once - by Hephaestion's thighs." [via Big Bad Boggle Player]
- New York's changing.
- Dem school children may want their teachers to leave them alone, but I think they'd be much happier with some Pink Floyd royalties. I mean, how can they have any pudding if they don't gots any cash?
- Jaleel White, the New Kid on The Blogck. [via Navi The Dukie]
- Redskins still in the playoff hunt... and somehow so are the 1-10 SF 49ers!?#?!?#@!?$
- Sandy Cohen better find himself a good Patent Attorney, cause these motherstickers are selling Chrismukkah cards without his permission. Lettuce juss pray that they don't go further with this whole Easterover crap.
- And finally, the three finalists to portray Lois Lane in the upcoming Superman flick are: Kate 'Brian' Bosworth, Claire 'You Bore Me' Danes, and Elisha 'Lord of the Thighs Cuthbert. Is this even a competition? You mean to tell me that Superman would think for a second about spreading his supersperm in Angela Chase or that lame a$$ girl from Blue Crush? Well if any of the producers are reading this and they want lots of free publicity, the choice is bovious... and if that happens, I'd also like to play Superman and add 31,2,36456,54,31856 sex scenes to the script.
- All things Lohan: Paris Hilton and Bijou Phillips help her get her groove back, The Boston Herald thinks Wilmer stars on The O.C., her album drops on Dec 7th and the same day she'll appear on TRL, and she wants to give u a $500 shopping spree at Dooney & Bourke.
- What do you do when Fox News is yer daddy? You make SportCenteresque commercials. I guess I'd rather watch Christiane Amanpour get all silly nilly than Stuart Scott.
- UK's fab Top of The Pops (think a besterer American Bandstand) show is being demoted from BBC1 to BBC2. Me don't really care. Me just want dem Brits to put it back on BBCAmerica! I mean, where else am I going to see a group of teenagers sing ABBA songs AND be respected?
- Why do people keep employing Jeff George? That's like letting Marion Barry back into politics... again and again.
- Trainspotting scribe Irvine Welsh to give film directing a go.
- Is there anything better than the ACC? Yeah, the ACC without VTech, Miami, and BC.
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- Me thinks the new U2 album friggin
- Wanna know why Alexander is a flop? I mean who wants to see a movie about a guy 'as gay as a maypole' or who 'was defeated only once - by Hephaestion's thighs." [via Big Bad Boggle Player]
- New York's changing.
- Dem school children may want their teachers to leave them alone, but I think they'd be much happier with some Pink Floyd royalties. I mean, how can they have any pudding if they don't gots any cash?
- Jaleel White, the New Kid on The Blogck. [via Navi The Dukie]
- Redskins still in the playoff hunt... and somehow so are the 1-10 SF 49ers!?#?!?#@!?$
- Sandy Cohen better find himself a good Patent Attorney, cause these motherstickers are selling Chrismukkah cards without his permission. Lettuce juss pray that they don't go further with this whole Easterover crap.
- And finally, the three finalists to portray Lois Lane in the upcoming Superman flick are: Kate 'Brian' Bosworth, Claire 'You Bore Me' Danes, and Elisha 'Lord of the Thighs Cuthbert. Is this even a competition? You mean to tell me that Superman would think for a second about spreading his supersperm in Angela Chase or that lame a$$ girl from Blue Crush? Well if any of the producers are reading this and they want lots of free publicity, the choice is bovious... and if that happens, I'd also like to play Superman and add 31,2,36456,54,31856 sex scenes to the script.
Friday, November 26
Catorce Is The New Eleven
- What's gotta be one of the hottiest flicks of this winter that no one even knows about: master director Jean-Pierre Jeunet's (Amélie, City of Lost Children, Delicatessen) latest starring Audrey Tautou "You", A Very Long Engagement. Peep the trailer here. Opens in NYC tomorrow, and everywhere else, whenever.
- Think you've seen the last of Ronald Artest this season? Guess again cause Bandwagon Boy predicts that he'll go incognito by donning a mask, just like Dusty Rhodes/The Midnight Rider did. See the Nov 22nd posting for more geniussnessness. Speaking of Ronnie, here's an animated gif you can enjoy for ages [last via CatchyDubs].
- First Heidi Klum whored herself out to Target, and now it's McDonald's turn to utilize her a$$ets. But what's next? Lettuce all pray she, like choosy Moms, chooses to do a JIF commercial where she spreads that peanut buttery goodness all over her ragga-muffins.
- Sorta related thing: Get a wake-up call from Heidi, Lord Vader, Cheech Marin, Ice-T, or your choice of other annoying people/animals right here.
- French chick Julie Delpy may be tapped to play French chick opposite Tom Hanks in da Da Vinci Code.
- First look at Charlize Theron as Aeon Flux. Looks like Tiffani-Amber Deli-scrumptious on Atkins!
- Fridaylly, if you can't hold off til December 7th to hear Her Former Royal Thighness' debut album Speak, take a sneaky peak preview to LL rocking the hizouse right here. And is it juss me, or is the beginning of her song 'Disconnected' bitched @ swirth with Radiohead's 'Paranoid Android'? And honestly, does anyone still care if she's got 'Fake Plastic Tees'?
Wednesday, November 24
Give Me Coffee
or Give Me Death
- Will the above photo of G W Bush and coffee king Juan Valdes go down in history like the one of Nixon & Elvis did? Only time can tell... or Tyne Daly.
- Rilo Kiley, the first band confirmed for Coachella 2005???
- Own a piece of history more precious than the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese: an actual cup thrown at the Ron Artest launch for his ultra-hot Kombat Basketball video game. [via Guns n Rosenthal]
- And if that's the breastest game out there, then this one about driving big rig trucks has got to be the wurstest. [via Nipsy Newbsy]
- Get yer OJ Simpsons pogs right here! [via Mrs O'Leary's Cow]
- These dudes love Mr T a lil bit too much.
- 'Ms. Curtis, wearing one of the ugliest haircuts I have ever seen, her upper lip weirdly curled-in, resembles a transvestite chimpanzee.' If that's not enuff to get you to see Christmas With the Kranks, I don't know what is. [via Big Bad Bogsly]
- Town Raffles Rifles to Raise Money for School. Lettuce all pray to gawd that Michael Moore doesn't read this article.
- Have a safe and pie filled T-giving everyone. If you happen to be in the DC Metropolitan area tomorrow, feel free to join the Thigh Master and his posse at 10am for our annual Turkey Bowl Football game my alma mater @ College Garden Elementary School. Please note that the game is tackle, so if yer vagina hurts, please don't bother showing up. And also, I can't wait for Her Royal Thighness the II to finally meet Mumsy & Daddy Thigh Master. Just look at the dress she plans on wearing tomorrow for the big feast!!
I'm THANKSful to Spence for this one
Tuesday, November 23
Grilled Cheesus
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- Wurstest use of the moniker 'Thighs Wide Shut' and horriblistic punning in general can be found right here. Somebody please send this guy straight to the PUNitentiary.
- I haven't watched a full episode of ESPN's SportsCenter in maybe 4+ years, but at least they still make fabulouso commercials. Case in point Star Wars vs. SportsCenter.
- Like more matchups and have nada to do tonight? Go see Senor Fluxbog take on Scotty Stereoshizzle in the The MP3 Blogger Battle @ APT (West 13th (9th/Washington) NYC) @ 10pm. These guys know their shiz, and they know Bo, but Bo don't know Diddley.
- What happened here? [via Cubs Fan #1]
- Why on earth would anyone ever send a letter to Andy Rooney? I mean, he's no Morey Schaeffer.
- How come none of yas clued me on on this whole Fat Darrell sandwich (chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks and french fries) dealio? And because you all let me down, I guess I'll just have to eat 12 of them in one sitting.
- Nuttin sez Happy Anniversary to JFK's brains exploding like a videogame!
- PEACE THE FORK OUT Franco-American SpaghettiOs.
- Did my girl Marianne Grizzle coin the word 'mobnoxious'?
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- Gawd I love NY. And so does U2. See Stereogum for more.
- This year yers jewly hit up the Lebowski Fest. Next year I'm aiming higher: Twin Peaks Festival 2005, set for July 29-July 31.
- Sleep easy tonight Grambsy, cause Camden, NJ just replaced Detroit as the nation's most dangerous city! But was this decided before or after Ron Artest came to town?
- I LOUVRE posters. Hispecially Olympic ones.
- The Karate
- Juss wanna say that The Thinker and myself are rocket scientologists for queuing up around 8:45 am this past Saturday for le grande re-opening of the MoMA. We got in no problem at 10. And when we left the museo, the line was 6 times the size. SUKKAHS!!! And oh yeah, the new digs FRIGGIN ROCK!! Cept they could use a few more Lichtensteins and a place to smoke pot... and like free bitches (an Ali G invention).
- Finally, in the realm of Her Royal Thighnessness, because she's still the hottiest lil trollop in our solar system, and cause she makes the mos wickedest bowl of Rice Krispies after morning 69, I've decided to give Cuthy Cutbertson (HRT the II) a couple more weeks to clean up her act/dye her hair and pubes back to dirty dirty blonde before I can david givens her the boot. Meanwhile, Her Former Royal Thighness the I was quoted as saying "I want to be a young mom." Well, Lord of the Thighs sez good luck with that sweet tits. You know you can't drink when yer preggers.
Monday, November 22
The Hottiestestest
Chrismukkah Gift Since...
Now with 30% more drink tossing!!
Soundtrack is also available on
Ronald's label TruWarier Records
Friday, November 19
Friday Night Day Links
- Photoshop Phriday is purty busted this week, but if u muss, then click here.
- Steve Urkel of 2004, metrosexual or heteroflexible? You be the judge.
- You'alls better pre-order the Sleepover DVD now before its sold out in stores everywhere. We're talking Halo 2 type mania here folks!
- Bid with confidence on Munchkin Meinhardt Raabe's umcredible hat. If only it included the munchkin as well... [via Navi The Terrible]
- Be a sport like me, and volunteer for The NYC 2012 Olympic Posee.
- Disgusted that you bought Ashlee Simpsons' album? H.O.P.E. (Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment) is here to help! [via Cefflediddle]
- Here's something for Ross, eater of balls, and all the rest of you olde shul gamers to enjoy: really stoopid 8-bit Nintendo flash movies (warning: site has music)! Be sure to watch the Big Bird 'Word Up', Bases Loaded, and Blades of Steel parody vids.
- The toy I've been waiting all my life for is finally a reality: Darth Vader Voice Changer Helmet. [via Laing Sack of Sh#t]
- Sacha Baron Cohen to play everyone's flavorite Purim character? [via Fid Fisto]
- Do we really need an American version of EastEnders?
- I love (pumping) irony: Kubrick, a self-hating Jew, in Hebrew.
- Woman breastfeeds a dog. I don't care what her reasoninging is, that's FORKING dirtgusting!!! [via Made of Brawnstein]
- College would've been so much easier with Google Scholar. Do I foresee a peace the fork outtting for LexisNexis?
- Do Twinkies live forever? All the truths lie/lay here. [via Ask Yazoo]
- Need more Bitched @ Swirth action than yer humble mumbler Thigh Master is currently providing? Head on over to Seeing Double for all yer needs.
- And muchos Kudos and granola bars to Using Tony's Computer for dropping in the comments box this udder HOTtiestnessness (YOU BETTER CLICK OR ELSE) of Cuthy Cuthbert&ernie getting her groove back like Stella. I've already had 14.7 wet daydreams today after looking at it and my workmates are starting to wonder why there's a giant pile of glue near desk!!! But sadly, that may be our lastest magic moment together as a couple. It could be time to give Her Royal Thighness The II the ole heave-HO-bag. How could you do this to your hair dearest deario without even consulting me, your lil anal fisting king, first? I had to hear of this tragic news from Cullenigan (wo)Man, a dear and loyal subject of Thighland. Shame on you!! If I were you, I'd start packing yer 3,563456,35 pairs of shoes and other assorted crap, cause come Monday, I'll make my final decision whether you stay or you vincent van gogh-go the FORK AWAY!! What a HORRIBILISTICally weak end this is already shaping up to be.
Drakes Urine Cakes
Vera Drake
Abortions R Us
View Trailer
Director Mike Leigh is the master of the depressing British lower class movie genre. He also happens to be one of the most under appreciated directors out there. He also looks like an owl. An like an owl, he gives a hoot about things. Things like said lower class families and their struggles, which isn't eggzactly a recipe for Hollywood success, but den again that's what makes him an umcredible filmmaker, unlike say, McG. And If you need to play Mike Leigh catchup, Netflix Meantime, Naked, or my personal fav, All or Nothing. And whenever his next film comes out, you can easily add Vera Drake to that list as well. That's right, Leigh strikes cinematic gold again. This is by far one of the finest dramas of the year. Here's how the story goes: lil ole Vera (I smell Oscar nom for you Imelda Staunton!) is the perfect mum, wife, and daughter. She's always quick to the kettle to fix u a spot of tea or give u a lil nibble before dinner starts, and all with the widest smile. So you call that a story? Juss wait, cause we qwikly learn that Vera, out of the pure kindness of her heart, helps out young poor girls who can't afford proper abortions. Not any back-alley stizz like Beck's performance at Coachella mind you, but not eggzactly legal in post WWII England kind either. No one in her family knows she does such a thing and why do they need to know? Unless they're on a need to know basis. Anywhozitz, days go by, abortions happen, and more cups of tea are poured. Then one day, something goes awry and one of her 'patients' almost dies after the deed. The police come a knockn' and Vera and her close knit family's world comes crumbling down. That's all I'll say, besides get yer a$$ to the theater and see this now! Bravo Mike Leigh.
Recommended for those who like: women's right to choose, massive amounts of tea, or choosing the perfect first date movie that won't begat a second date (like what happened when my comrade Soul Jonkin took some chick on a 1st date to see Kevin Bacon get evil on lil kids' backsides in Sleepers).
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix In The Name of the Father.
Finding Neverland
Hooked On Peter Pansies
View Trailer
I was a bit skeptical of where things were going as soon as I saw Johnny Depp dancing with a dog to merely entertain Kate Winslet's four precocious lil British tykes, but as the movie marched on, the magic of JM Barrie's imagination was enuff to bring me to tears by the end. Sure there's nothing Oscar nom worthy here, and Marc Foster's direction was a bit uneven (coming from the guy who gave us Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton ODB dirty raw-style boning in Monsters Ball), and yeah it was a bit on the cheezy-whiz side, but there's enuff here to appeal to those of all ages looking for an escape from our daily lives, juss like the story of... Peter Pan! And if yer jonesing for even mo Johnny Depp and Freddie Highmore (the kid who played Peter, JM's muse) action, u juss wait, cause they play Willy Wonka and Charlie Bucket in the Tim Burton remake coming out next year.
Recommended for those who like: men who play with children in a non-sexual way, seeing Gareth Keenan in a movie, or to live out their Diane from Trainspotting dressing in green tights fantasies.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike Leigh's whimsical Topsy-Turvy. But whatever you do, don't Netflix Hook.
Good Bye Lenin!
Hello Great Rental!
View Trailer
The premise is frocking frantastic: a highly proud socialist single mother raises her two kids in the hell that is '80s East Germany. Right before the Berlin wall is about to crumble, the mother has a heart attack and slips into a coma. The doctors warn that another attack could finish her off for good, so when she awakes from the coma, she should be as stress free as possible. Her ever loving son makes it his mission to see that this doesn't happen by pretending that the wall never fell at all. He goes to great lengths, despite being surrounded in a newly capitalistic East Germany filled with Coca-Cola and other delights we consume daily. For example, when he discovers that his mumsy's favorite pickles are no longer sold in their area, he buys a different brand and places the gerks in an old bottle of mom's preferred brand. If that's not love, I don't know what is. With crisp direction by Wolfgang Becker and super-delicious set design by some other German, this is a lil gem that's purrrfect for yer home viewing pleasure. I also wanna note that Daniel Brühl, who played the son, is my new mos favortiestest male German actor (PEACE THE FORK OUT Moritz Bleibtreu)... it also doesn't hurt that he looks like my pal Dickey Greenleaf the II and has an umlaut in his name. Best of luck kid, or should I say, mein herr.
Recommended for those who like: German Burger Kings, Kubrick references, or pickles.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Run Lola Run.
The Shaft
They say this elevator Shaft is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Sadly, No Trailer Available
I was introduced to our next film to the tune of "one of the best worst movies ever". And boy was that preface bona fide and boner staboneafied! I think I'm also the 14th person to ever see this movie, not including cast and crew. And lemme tell YOU some-tang, the cast is second to none, (with all due respect to Murder By Death). Here's a horribly written rundown of who and what: AWOL military man Michael Ironside (!) and elevator repair shop owner Ron Perlman (!) team up to install a top secret microchip with a brain, which had previously been tested on dolphins (?), into an elevator shaft of the Millennium Building (think Empire State Building), which in turn turns the elevator in to a one man Otis killing and torture machine. So James Hurley from Twin Peaks and some actor named Eric Thal, who coincendentally works for The Beast Perlman, are called in to fix the elevator from all this crazy Elevator Action by Edward Herrmann (Max, the head vampire/proprietor of Max' Video in The Lost Boys),
who's under a lot of heat by Lt. McBain, played by Nick Tortelli/Dan Hedaya, and all of this catches the eyes and ears of hot shot reporter Naomi Watts Hotts. Confused? Great. I won't reveal anything more, CAUSE YOU SHOULD GO AND NETFLIX THIS ASAP & WARREN SAPP! Did I mention that this film marks uber-licious/fellow Marylander/ex-ESPNer Melissa Stark Nakkidness' debut and still only appearance on the silver screen? What a waste. Had I made Mulholland Dr, it would have been Watts on top of Stark... nekkid (i promise, that's the last stark nekkid joke... of the day)
Recommended for those who like: to see Dick Maas remake his own 1983 movie called De Lift, horrible acting, or Mother Brain from Metroid.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix my personal favorite breastestist wurstestist movies Zardoz or Leonard Part 6 (not available on DVD. BOOOOOO!).
Young Adam
NC-YaLater-17
View Trailer
Dying to see a movie about boring people who live on a sail barge that aren't named Jabba? Or how bout seeing Ewan McGregor's penis, AGAIN? Or Tilda Swinton in her birthday suit (look, I love her as an actress, but not as a sex kitten?)? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz times microwaved tunafish divided by 7. Although I did quite enjoy watching the scene where young Obi Wan gets miffed, takes off Emily Mortimer Hottiermer's clothes, pours ketchup and custard on her body, and then has his way with her.
Recommended for those who like: boring, being bored, or emery boards.
Unsatisfied with this? Before you slit yer eyes out, watch this instead.
Abortions R Us
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: women's right to choose, massive amounts of tea, or choosing the perfect first date movie that won't begat a second date (like what happened when my comrade Soul Jonkin took some chick on a 1st date to see Kevin Bacon get evil on lil kids' backsides in Sleepers).
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix In The Name of the Father.
Finding Neverland
Hooked On Peter Pansies
View Trailer
 |
Recommended for those who like: men who play with children in a non-sexual way, seeing Gareth Keenan in a movie, or to live out their Diane from Trainspotting dressing in green tights fantasies.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Mike Leigh's whimsical Topsy-Turvy. But whatever you do, don't Netflix Hook.
Good Bye Lenin!
Hello Great Rental!
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: German Burger Kings, Kubrick references, or pickles.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Run Lola Run.
The Shaft
They say this elevator Shaft is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
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Recommended for those who like: to see Dick Maas remake his own 1983 movie called De Lift, horrible acting, or Mother Brain from Metroid.
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix my personal favorite breastestist wurstestist movies Zardoz or Leonard Part 6 (not available on DVD. BOOOOOO!).
Young Adam
NC-YaLater-17
View Trailer
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Recommended for those who like: boring, being bored, or emery boards.
Unsatisfied with this? Before you slit yer eyes out, watch this instead.
Thursday, November 18
Sidelays
Wednesday, November 17
The Burgers of Calais
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- Did Lindsay Lushmouth really think for one minute that Jack White would have played guitar on her debut album? She should have aimed lower, like asking Michael Wilton, lead guitarist for Queensryche, to lend his 'talents'. I'm sure he isn't up to much these daze...
- Washington baseball club to be named 'The Nationals'? That's more busted than Buster Poindexter. At least the color scheme will be a solid combo of red, white, & blue and not some Florida Marlins/San Jose Sharks crap on a stick. What was wrong with everyone in the early 90s?
- The Museum of Hoaxeses is a frantastic site. Czech out their takes on that time traveling fool who claims a US civil war is a-coming, glow-in-the-dark deer, a dog who ate a cell phone and then the phone rang in his tummy, and if Grungesters ever used words like 'Cob Nobbler', 'Lamestain' and 'Swingin' on the Flippity-Flop'.
- Gawd I wish I was in Beijing right now!
- I always knew that Prince was better than Phil Collins & Barry Manilow.
- Of course the first thing yer gonna ask a female Virtual Bartender to do is strip dem clothes off! [via Guns n' Rosenthal]
- Can Will Smith save the world from Asimo?
- Le new Chem Bros album will not only feature Q-Tip, but Charlatans UKer Tim Burgess, Mos Def's brother Anwar Superstar (who knew he had a brother, in the family sense), and Kele Okereke from flavor of the moment Bloc Party.
- Did you know there was such a thing as a Turkey Testicle Festival? And that they've had 26 of these Turkey Testicle Festivals? And that they have a Turkey Testicle Song (WinBLOWS Media)? Insert 'have a ball' joke here. [via Made of Brawnsteeeinenen]
- And many a thanks to Nipsy Newbsy for pointing out the world's le nastiest breakfast concoction since the microwaved tunafish taco slushy: Krystal's Breakfast Scrambler. And here's the gif that keeps me gagging.
Tuesday, November 16
Last Tango & Cash Withdrawal
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- Semi-speaking of Her Former Royal Fezness, LL-Cool-Thighs threw a 'tantrum' at JFK airport last Sunday, which in turn delayed a flight and pissed off many a passengers. Who cares, right? Well, at least watch this qwik vid of her boobs being pressed together! [last via Da Brazilian aMUSEing Gal]
- Yo, can some one hook me up wit Kofi Ananananan digits? Cause I wanna see if he can hook me up with Nicole 'Citizen of the World' Kidman, so I can
- Ready for some
- Fallujah Gone Wild! [via Nipsy Newbsy]
- Get yer Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy tease on! [via Use My Comps]
- Didn't pick up the new Playboy with Denise 'The Brains' Richards yet? Here's a peek-a-jizz for you! [NSFWness via I Ate My Cubes]
- How come uber-fly chicks don't work at my local McDonalds? [via Fleaski]
- The Muppets take Brooklyn!
- Life went on without David Lee Roth, but hopefully yer life wont if yer ever in an ambulance and he's YOUR PARAMEDIC!
- Lizadies, let me help you, by you helping me. [via Mr de la Roachclip]
- Apparently back in the way day, anyone and everyone made an LP. Here's the proof.
- Smoking ban proposed for England. What next, a Fat Albert big screen adventure?
- Fatboy Slim sure sweats an awful lot.
- 69 hamburgers in 8 minutes, Takeru Kobayashi, you truly are the messiah!
- Just in case you didn't see the headline of last week made by President, tear it is: All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz.
- And the Fiddler made my day with this Cuthbert snap and I hope it makes yers...
Monday, November 15
Taking Care of Bidness
In A Flash In The Pan
 |
- Boo.
- The gawds muss be crazy to allow MTV Africa.
- MAJOR PROPS deLeon go out to my grrrrl Ultra and her nifty book deal! [via the Gid]
- Ricky Gervais, the mos modest man around.
- Who knew there were clouds on your anus? [via Marvcus Patton the II]
- Only a video game could make Monica Bellucci look awful.
- I love the guy, but I really don't think of Tom Hanks when I read Robert Langdon's adventures. Does that mean they're going to dig up Jessica Tandy to play the French chick?
- I know my b-day was a week ago, but does someone wanna drop 10K so me can finally own my own Scoreboard w/Jumbotron? [via Navi the Terrible]
- Having trouble stalking B-Real or Sista Soulja cause u don't know their real names? Click here for that AND more! [via Cubs Fan #1]
- Jack White, in lengthy interview, sez album #5 to be recorded soon and with a possible release next year. And in the meantime, pre-order their Live DVD and get a free Tee!
- U2 to tour America staring in March. The only known date is March 1st, somewhere in the state Florida. [via The Shopppppeee]
- Spoon to play a few Texas shows in early December and Britt Daniel is going it alone November 26th at Maxwell's in Ho-broken. More details here.
 |
ApParently Trap, we now have a sports section:
- After delivering on of his breastest diatribes of the year, Andy Rooneyski laid an egg this week with his take on what needs to be changed in sports today. And although the NFL is the finest organization (besides TWS.org) in the world, I do agree with his notion that, "It would be illegal for an NFL game to go past 7 p.m. on Sunday night and intrude on 60 Minutes." Amen brother curmudgeon man.
- Sure the Redskins lick five day old microwaved tunafish sandwiches, but I never give up hope... well at least until their officially eliminated from the playoff race.
- Giants fans' prayers have finally been answered: get ready for Manning Version 2.0.
- To Hate Duke or To Love Those HOMOwners? That is the question. Either way, the Terps and their fans RULE, so eat a dick Matthew Waxman for saying otherwise. [all(aboard) via The I-Train]
Back to crap...
- Crazy Kent? More like LAME-HO Kent.
- Click me for a SFW video that appears NSFW (Windows Media Stizzle) [via My Man Marvkus]
- Beavers Weave Stolen Cash Into Dam [via Time Werespanko]
- And in closing, Stephen King really has a hard-on for our belovededed Cuthy Cuthbertenson. He first mentioned her last month by saying, 'For every pretty, talented Elisha Cuthbert there is a Paris Hilton and her little dog, too.' Well, in his ultra-lame-o monthly EW column, he mentions how thankful he is for a new season of 24 filled with Kiefer Sutherland's loud breathing, and then added, 'Elisha Cuthbert is the best supporting actress on TV. Case closed.' Look, I'd bone Cuthy 14 ways from Wednesday, but I'm sure there are better supporting actressess out there (think that hippo woman from The Practice). I bet Stephen some how incorporates his love for Cuth-above-the-rest-bert in his next book. I can see it now: The Author Who Love Elisha Cuthbert. Either way, BACKDAFORKUP nerd boy, cause she's all mine... or whoever that guy she's engaged too.
Sunday, November 14
OHMYFORKINGAWD!
Times 1,37,93645,67 To
Osirus
aka
Joe Bannanas
aka
Dirt McGirt
aka
Dirt Dog
aka
Unique Ason
aka
Big Baby Jesus
aka
Russell Tyrone Jones
aka
Ol' Dirty Bastard
Dead & Un-Cut
1968 - 2004
Brooklyn Zooooooo
[via My Man Marvkus]
Saturday, November 13
This Just In...
ARE SPLITSVILLE
The Two To Remain Friends
Citizens of Thighland Rejoice!
But Will His Royal Thighness Take Her Back?
Stay Tuned...
Friday, November 12
His & Her Girl Friday
- Who wouldn't pay to see Matthew Broderick star in Adolf Hitler's Day Off? More Photoshop Phriday stupidity can be found right here.
- If yer in one of dem lucky select cities, go and see Qui-Gon Jinn wield his penis and not his lightsaber in the quest for understanding human sexuality in the very franztastic film Kinsey, which opens today. Read our review here.
- Marlo, WTF is this? I mean who wants to pay to hear Billy Crystal or Sarah Jessica Parker talk on a CD? Although I am interested in yer duet with James Earl Jones, I'll just pop my Free To Be You And Me CD and rock out to Alan Alda, Mel Brooks, and Carol Channing instead.
- Is it juss me or does the character design for The Polar Express scare the living daylights outta you?
- Today we remember Lech Walesa's release... and more importantly, his killer 1982 Polish mustachio.
- Pretty girls don't ride the subway. And they also make graves as well!
- If you TiVo or DVR one crappy morning talk show this year, make it The Tony Danza Show. (My TiVo happened to TiVo an episode the other day cause the super-doper-skinny/skanky-crazy/beautiful-Her-Royal-Thighness-in-training Mischa Barfon, who be on my autorecord TiVo wishlist, appeared on the show.) Its like watching Who's The Boss, without Mona, Danny Pints, Samantha Micelli, and Judith Light. And what does that leave you with? Tony Danza doing what he does best: being Tony Danza... or playing a character named Tony. Truss me, it'll provide u with more laffs than an episode of Friends... like THAT'S some feat!
Thursday, November 11
The Seed of Corky
 |
- The mostest misleading headline that almost gave me a reverse boner: Lindsay Lohan Talks '70s, Wilmer; Admits Part Of Her Body Isn't Real.
- The UK gov-mint gives the OK for some broad called the Duchess of Northumberland to grow pot, opium, magic mushrooms, tobacco, and the coca plant (home of coke classic and cocaine) in her garden. Does anyone have this bizatch's digits?
- The Smiths. The musical? Big crap strikes again!
 |
- German, single, and looking for a lil action? Head on over to yer local Wal-Mart. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]
- 2005 in NYC is gonna ROCK! And Yanni's RCMH shows will usher in said ROCKness! [via The ThinkPader]
- Why isn't there a Channel One on TV (eggcept for NY1 and their fine 'Weather on the 1s')? [via Ask Yazoo]
- 10 x 10, for those who don't like to read the news.
- The wurstest SS since WWII: Sauerkraut Smoothie
- MenWithoutHats.com. The reason why the internets was invented.
- Who's flying with me to Japan this winter to catch that t.A.T.u. anime?
- A man allegedly groped two home health care nurses while posing as a mentally retarded man who needed his diapers changed. Shame on you, you insensitive and peppermintative bastard!!
- Man Says He Was Blinded 4 Times in 1 Eye. Tara Reid's areola could not be reached for comment.
- Darth Vader hearts Heidi Klum and low low prices? [via Double Vikes]
- Finally, one of the HUGESTEST PEACE THE FORKS OUT has gots to go to Yasser 'Do I look ara-fat in this coffin?' Arafat. I think that was the first time I ever said 'YES!' when I heard of their fork peacing. Am I evil? Yes. But wasn't Yasser? Yessir! Be sure to catch his final movie this winter: The Life Aquatic with Yasser Zissou
Wednesday, November 10
Moore Earl Dilemma
 |
- Gawd I love ACC Basketball. And mos hispecially this year, before all the sh#t teams join the fray next year.
- Something tells me that Racing Stripes will be the first and last zebra-oriented film released ever.
- Women Allege Boss Spanked Them For Errors. For four seconds I wished that headline read Boss Allegedly Spunks On Women For Errors.
- Stereochicklets drops Britney for the Latin maid from The Goonies.
- You know yer le nasty boobies have received too much attention if TK Stack Money is mentioning them in his article on the wurstest b-ball squad known to man.
- Topps has just released a limited edition set of Jesusland trading cards. Hey Marvkus, u think Beckett would value George Bush's card higher than Andy Pafko's?
- These aint yer daddy's cardboard boxes.
- Star Wars & Legos, always a good thing. [via Scary Eye-balled Site]
- The Chocolate Factory, Charlie & 2004 style. [via Brooktown Meat Hater]
- Displeased about the size of yer testicles? Blame 'the infidelity of our female ancestors'. [via Guns n' Rosenthal]
- Protect your banana!
- Who needs The Producers when there's Who Is Wilford Brimley? The Musical. [via The Fide Fiddler of Hotlanta]
- And the mostest unimportantest news of the day: Noah Lerman-Simmes, a Psych Major at Arizona, chooses Elisha Cuthbert as the girl he'd most like to date. Wet dream on pal, all over this fake jpeg of her naked.
[pic via UMC]
Tuesday, November 9
The Year In
Sweet Italian Hams
The Bitched @ Swirth Trio Combo
Now Available Wherever Fine Italian Subs Are Sold
Monday, November 8
How Does One
Top Tara Reid's
Repulsive Areola?
Plain and nipple simple, you don't, unless you watch the uber--unhotness VIDEO of it happening!! [updated betterest areola vid link mad hotness via Dis Lonely Hizland]
- I never thought I'd see the day, but Elisha Cuthy Cuthinson did something that makes me want to puke all over my penis: had raw tuna for lunch.
- For those who care (or to see how orange she is), Her Former Royal Thighness, LL's guest spot on That '70s Show will air on November 10th - this Wednesday. And while u wait for that, Grambs dissects her upcoming album's cover. Seriously, where are the tits!!
- So much good info from The Fiddler today: Six Feet Over? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!! At least they know how to go out on top unlike The So-borings. Simpsons flick set for 2008. And after peeping Tim Burton's Wonka poster, I'm officially scared for me and all the Augustus Gloops out there.
- CAT IN SPACE!!!! [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- Renee Zellweger engaged to Jack White? Maybe puffer fish face will take over on drums for Meg.
- Ewan McGregor as 007? NOW there's something I can get behind... besides Jude Law on all fours!
- Google helps you find porn and now can even save people's lives! [via Mediabistro]
- NBC will continue to carry the wurstest in network sports... at least until 2011.
- How does one purrfectly advertise for that super Wilco-Lips-Kinney New Year's show? They do it like dis.
- The 70s were such an awful decade. Let these Weight Watchers recipe cards be further proof. [via My Man Marvkus]
- How dare some yokel use the great name of Waffle House in a song bashing Kerry. To make us all feel better, read the brief history of Waffle House. [both via Made of Brawnsteeen]
- The International Sand Collectors Society. These guys get slightly more pussy than the Elephant Man.
- Bruce Lee animated gif, from Johnny Dollar to you and me.
- Peace the fork out to Howard Keel, a man I knew little about, cept he had a WICKED-a$$ mustachio!
- Everyone knows the Thigh Master is a man all about dem Japanese peoples. And you should too, cause who doesn't love 'Japanese business man is tired' and bitch slappingings. [both via Newbsy Russell]
- Andy Rooney delivered one of his sharpest curmudgeon thing-a-ma-bobs of the year on last evening's 60 Minutes.
- Adidas' T-Mac 4: the mos pointless shoe since the Reebok Pump? If you see Dee Brown sporting these, run for your lives!
- Loathe green beans like me, then don't even think about trying the Green Bean Casserole Soda.
- Alert to Arkansas boys who enjoy swordfighting, keep an eye on the Arkansas girl who can blow a 16-inch bubble.
- 19 lobsters in 35 minutes. My hero.
- And just wanted to briefly mention the two fab election week shows I attended last week: Le Tigre @ Irving Platz and R.E.M. @ MSG. Le Tigs f-in rocked... whilst playing as few instruments as humanly possible. It was the day before the election and spirits were high... especially being around a ton o lesbians rocking out, who you knew were voting for JFKerry. The new and old tunes shined on like crazy diamonds. As for Rapid Eye Movement, a lot of peeps be knocking how boring their new album is, but they juss plain crazy. Listen to it 7 mo times for a full effect. And personally, I think since Bill Berry left the group, they've only gotten BUTTER! Yepper-ino. The show I saw was two days after the election. Stipey and co were rather quiet, quiet like the new songs, but the energy was high, but not as high as me. They summed up how the audience was feeling when when they opened with 'It's The End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)' and before playing classic 'Cuyahoga', said 'This is a song about Ohio' to a chorus of boooos (to the red state, not the song). And sure, some of the new songs slowed down the set, and I wasn't too happy the didn't play the breastest song off of Around The Sun, 'Electron Blue', but it tit all sounded so beautiful (was that heteroflexible sounding enuff?). You can find the set-list here. Howevs, the show was not nearly as umcredible as the two I caught last year around this time on their greatistist hits tour. And I juss wanna add that it be a crying shame that the show wasn't even sold out. C'mon people, they're just as good as fellow 20+ year olders U2, cept they didn't play inside a giant lemon or like the Pope's johnson. So go and support the gay political bald dude. He needs more money to be gayer, politicaller, and even more bald. Who loves ya baby?
 |
- For those who care (or to see how orange she is), Her Former Royal Thighness, LL's guest spot on That '70s Show will air on November 10th - this Wednesday. And while u wait for that, Grambs dissects her upcoming album's cover. Seriously, where are the tits!!
- So much good info from The Fiddler today: Six Feet Over? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!! At least they know how to go out on top unlike The So-borings. Simpsons flick set for 2008. And after peeping Tim Burton's Wonka poster, I'm officially scared for me and all the Augustus Gloops out there.
- CAT IN SPACE!!!! [via Zach de la Roachclip]
- Renee Zellweger engaged to Jack White? Maybe puffer fish face will take over on drums for Meg.
- Ewan McGregor as 007? NOW there's something I can get behind... besides Jude Law on all fours!
- Google helps you find porn and now can even save people's lives! [via Mediabistro]
- NBC will continue to carry the wurstest in network sports... at least until 2011.
- How does one purrfectly advertise for that super Wilco-Lips-Kinney New Year's show? They do it like dis.
- The 70s were such an awful decade. Let these Weight Watchers recipe cards be further proof. [via My Man Marvkus]
- How dare some yokel use the great name of Waffle House in a song bashing Kerry. To make us all feel better, read the brief history of Waffle House. [both via Made of Brawnsteeen]
- The International Sand Collectors Society. These guys get slightly more pussy than the Elephant Man.
- Bruce Lee animated gif, from Johnny Dollar to you and me.
- Peace the fork out to Howard Keel, a man I knew little about, cept he had a WICKED-a$$ mustachio!
- Everyone knows the Thigh Master is a man all about dem Japanese peoples. And you should too, cause who doesn't love 'Japanese business man is tired' and bitch slappingings. [both via Newbsy Russell]
- Andy Rooney delivered one of his sharpest curmudgeon thing-a-ma-bobs of the year on last evening's 60 Minutes.
- Adidas' T-Mac 4: the mos pointless shoe since the Reebok Pump? If you see Dee Brown sporting these, run for your lives!
- Loathe green beans like me, then don't even think about trying the Green Bean Casserole Soda.
- Alert to Arkansas boys who enjoy swordfighting, keep an eye on the Arkansas girl who can blow a 16-inch bubble.
 |
- And just wanted to briefly mention the two fab election week shows I attended last week: Le Tigre @ Irving Platz and R.E.M. @ MSG. Le Tigs f-in rocked... whilst playing as few instruments as humanly possible. It was the day before the election and spirits were high... especially being around a ton o lesbians rocking out, who you knew were voting for JFKerry. The new and old tunes shined on like crazy diamonds. As for Rapid Eye Movement, a lot of peeps be knocking how boring their new album is, but they juss plain crazy. Listen to it 7 mo times for a full effect. And personally, I think since Bill Berry left the group, they've only gotten BUTTER! Yepper-ino. The show I saw was two days after the election. Stipey and co were rather quiet, quiet like the new songs, but the energy was high, but not as high as me. They summed up how the audience was feeling when when they opened with 'It's The End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)' and before playing classic 'Cuyahoga', said 'This is a song about Ohio' to a chorus of boooos (to the red state, not the song). And sure, some of the new songs slowed down the set, and I wasn't too happy the didn't play the breastest song off of Around The Sun, 'Electron Blue', but it tit all sounded so beautiful (was that heteroflexible sounding enuff?). You can find the set-list here. Howevs, the show was not nearly as umcredible as the two I caught last year around this time on their greatistist hits tour. And I juss wanna add that it be a crying shame that the show wasn't even sold out. C'mon people, they're just as good as fellow 20+ year olders U2, cept they didn't play inside a giant lemon or like the Pope's johnson. So go and support the gay political bald dude. He needs more money to be gayer, politicaller, and even more bald. Who loves ya baby?
Sunday, November 7
Scorpio Rising
What a great day today was today.
Not only did my belovededed Redskins actually win a fooball game today, but today I won a 80s Redskins sweater I've been yearning for for many years and many todays! Here's is a picture of my belovededed Joe Gibbs wearing the sweater, not today, but from yesteryeartoday.
Not only that, but these beautiful babies were born on this today years ago today...
Marie Curie
Bizatch was mad radioactive!
1867
Leon Trotsky
An original Marx bros, Harpo, Groucho, and Pinko?
1879
Herman J. Mankiewicz
Dude's work was an inspiration for
the White Stripes' song 'The Union Forever'
1897
Viola Spolin
Who?
1906
Anastasiya Georgiyevskaya
Who times 2?
1914
Billy Graham
Gawd works in mysterious ways
1918
Dana Plato
Different Croaked
1964
Bianca Trump
NSFW tramp
1972
Jason London & Jeremy London
Supertwins/twits
1972 & 1972
Anthony Thomas
Mediocre RB who ran all over dem sorry a$$ G-men today
1977
and The Thigh Master
Master of Thighs,
ruler of Thighland,
spouse of Her Royal Thighness
also 1977
And here's our whoreoscope from the Chi-town Sun-Times
IF NOV. 7 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You'll be so grateful for what this year brings [like that wicked case of oral herpes I got?] -- and your gratitude helps multiply your good fortune. [I always do thank my clients after giving them BJs and HJs] Next month features the games people play, and you love a good game! [well i do love a good game of Connect Four] Plus, you're so adept at learning the rules and strategizing to optimize results. That's why your career takes off in January. [when I resume my breakdancing career] A major relationship choice is featured in June. [awesome, can't wait to get laid... in JUNE!] Your lucky numbers are 1, 9, 24, 39 and 52. [bullshit, my lucky #s are 7, 11, 13, 22, 1977, 2001, 2112, and my pin #]
Thanks to all who made the trek out to Queens on Saturday for my Sausage Fest B-day at the Bohemian Beer Garden, hispecially the cameos made by Joe E Tartar, RayKwan the Chef, and Meggghannn!! With last weak end's big hoorah in DC and all this past weak end's meat & beer filled sheninagans, this was one of me mos favoritistic b-day mr everest!!!
Not only did my belovededed Redskins actually win a fooball game today, but today I won a 80s Redskins sweater I've been yearning for for many years and many todays! Here's is a picture of my belovededed Joe Gibbs wearing the sweater, not today, but from yesteryeartoday.
Not only that, but these beautiful babies were born on this today years ago today...
Marie Curie
Bizatch was mad radioactive!
1867
Leon Trotsky
An original Marx bros, Harpo, Groucho, and Pinko?
1879
Herman J. Mankiewicz
Dude's work was an inspiration for
the White Stripes' song 'The Union Forever'
1897
Viola Spolin
Who?
1906
Anastasiya Georgiyevskaya
Who times 2?
1914
Billy Graham
Gawd works in mysterious ways
1918
Dana Plato
Different Croaked
1964
Bianca Trump
NSFW tramp
1972
Jason London & Jeremy London
Supertwins/twits
1972 & 1972
Anthony Thomas
Mediocre RB who ran all over dem sorry a$$ G-men today
1977
and The Thigh Master
Master of Thighs,
ruler of Thighland,
spouse of Her Royal Thighness
also 1977
And here's our whoreoscope from the Chi-town Sun-Times
IF NOV. 7 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You'll be so grateful for what this year brings [like that wicked case of oral herpes I got?] -- and your gratitude helps multiply your good fortune. [I always do thank my clients after giving them BJs and HJs] Next month features the games people play, and you love a good game! [well i do love a good game of Connect Four] Plus, you're so adept at learning the rules and strategizing to optimize results. That's why your career takes off in January. [when I resume my breakdancing career] A major relationship choice is featured in June. [awesome, can't wait to get laid... in JUNE!] Your lucky numbers are 1, 9, 24, 39 and 52. [bullshit, my lucky #s are 7, 11, 13, 22, 1977, 2001, 2112, and my pin #]
Thanks to all who made the trek out to Queens on Saturday for my Sausage Fest B-day at the Bohemian Beer Garden, hispecially the cameos made by Joe E Tartar, RayKwan the Chef, and Meggghannn!! With last weak end's big hoorah in DC and all this past weak end's meat & beer filled sheninagans, this was one of me mos favoritistic b-day mr everest!!!
Saturday, November 6
Early Birthday Gifs & Jpegs!
This
Thanks to my dearest Uncle Grambsy
I'm having 2nd thoughts about giving
Her Former Royal Thighness
the ole heave-ho-bag
And what's grossier than 144 (one gross)?
This
Click image above for the mos
le nastiestistic NSFW areola
you mt everest did see!
And here's the story behind it!
[via everyone]
And WTFork times 2?
This
[stolen 1nce again via B-Farm]
Friday, November 5
The Thigh Master's Take On
Return of the Jedi is commonly known as the sh#t stain of the original trilogy (I disagree with that statement since we'd be Admiral Akbar-less without it). But in that way of thinking, since the first two installments of the 'new' trilogy were worser than watching a movie about Rosie O'Donnell taking a dump on a bowl of microwaved tunafish, the third one has got to be f-in mint x457783227. How is that possible with George Lucas writing and directing it? Dunno, but the teaser trailer RIZocked (available for here or for you AOLers here and in theaters before The Incredibles)! Here be some screen caps from the trailer and what we can expect...
C-3eep lookin' cleaner than ever. He must have had one of those full-on spa treatments, including an oil bath, at the Coruscant Four Seasons. But in the end, who really cares, cause he's still the gayest of the gay robots!
In Episode III, Padmé has gotten really bored babysitting Jar Jar, hanging out with the lecherous Sio 'Invasion' Bibble, and doing Ani's laundry that she decided to open a Cinnabon. To show how much she cares about her new bidness, she even wraps her hair in the style of the company's product. When she doesn't feel like working, she forces one of her look-a-likes to show up. That list includes Sabé, Dormé, Cordé, Condé Naste, Condoleezza Rice, and Qadry Ismail.
Obi-Wan knows that a Jedi must never fall in love. This is why he bangs as many Mos Eisley prostitutes as possible. Here's a shot of him getting one of the breastest hummers he's had in quite awhile.
Everyone knows that in Jedi the Endor planet filled with cutesy Ewoks was suppose to be the Kashyyyk planet filled with uber-hairy Wookies. Well, Georgie busted his budget this go-around and gives the peoples what they want: more fuzzballs. Hopefully these Wookies won't be as awfulisitical as the ones who co-starred in the 'infamous' horribilistical Christmas Special, like Chewie's wife Malla, son Lumpy, and father Itchy. Anywho, I hear a popular game on Kashyyyk was named after its inventor Chewbacca: Chewbaccagammon.
I don't know who the funk this is, but my guess is Count Dooku. Word on the street is that the Count went to a tanning salon, at the request of his daughter Eliza Dushku who thought he was too pasty looking, and he fell asleep in the tanning bed for over 10 hours. The Count is currently in deep litigation with the tanning salon for lose of wages from his modeling career.
Ani's been too depressed recently and keeps having these wet dreams about his deceased mother that he actually seems to enjoy. So at Yoda's insistence, he saw a psychiatrist named Wob Snootzill. Wob prescribed an endless amount of Xanax. At first all is fine, but as time passes, Ani stops taking his meds. The result? Longer hair, sleepless nights (hence the sags near his eyes), mood swings, a passion for leather outfits, and an improvement in acting skills.
Synchronized Jeding: the latest exhibition sport to be exhibited at the Beijing 2008 Summer Games
The moment we've all been waiting for, where Hayden Jewishesian gets replaced by a something that's more machine than man! As James Earl Jones' first duty as Dark Lord of the Sith, he takes revenge on MLK Jr's assassin James Earl Ray. On his days off, he does some voice over work for some Disney toons, CNN, and the company formerly known as Bell Atlantic.
Is this shiz gonna rock or what? I mean, how can it get any worser thanJake Lloyd, Dex and his space diner, slurring Asian aliens, bugs that fart when they talk, and the bane of my eggsistance, Jar Jar STINX. Lettuce all pray that Lucas gives mad screen time to Jimmy Smits and his wicked cable knit turtleneck sweaters.
May the force be with us, always...
C-3eep lookin' cleaner than ever. He must have had one of those full-on spa treatments, including an oil bath, at the Coruscant Four Seasons. But in the end, who really cares, cause he's still the gayest of the gay robots!
In Episode III, Padmé has gotten really bored babysitting Jar Jar, hanging out with the lecherous Sio 'Invasion' Bibble, and doing Ani's laundry that she decided to open a Cinnabon. To show how much she cares about her new bidness, she even wraps her hair in the style of the company's product. When she doesn't feel like working, she forces one of her look-a-likes to show up. That list includes Sabé, Dormé, Cordé, Condé Naste, Condoleezza Rice, and Qadry Ismail.
Obi-Wan knows that a Jedi must never fall in love. This is why he bangs as many Mos Eisley prostitutes as possible. Here's a shot of him getting one of the breastest hummers he's had in quite awhile.
Everyone knows that in Jedi the Endor planet filled with cutesy Ewoks was suppose to be the Kashyyyk planet filled with uber-hairy Wookies. Well, Georgie busted his budget this go-around and gives the peoples what they want: more fuzzballs. Hopefully these Wookies won't be as awfulisitical as the ones who co-starred in the 'infamous' horribilistical Christmas Special, like Chewie's wife Malla, son Lumpy, and father Itchy. Anywho, I hear a popular game on Kashyyyk was named after its inventor Chewbacca: Chewbaccagammon.
I don't know who the funk this is, but my guess is Count Dooku. Word on the street is that the Count went to a tanning salon, at the request of his daughter Eliza Dushku who thought he was too pasty looking, and he fell asleep in the tanning bed for over 10 hours. The Count is currently in deep litigation with the tanning salon for lose of wages from his modeling career.
Ani's been too depressed recently and keeps having these wet dreams about his deceased mother that he actually seems to enjoy. So at Yoda's insistence, he saw a psychiatrist named Wob Snootzill. Wob prescribed an endless amount of Xanax. At first all is fine, but as time passes, Ani stops taking his meds. The result? Longer hair, sleepless nights (hence the sags near his eyes), mood swings, a passion for leather outfits, and an improvement in acting skills.
Synchronized Jeding: the latest exhibition sport to be exhibited at the Beijing 2008 Summer Games
The moment we've all been waiting for, where Hayden Jewishesian gets replaced by a something that's more machine than man! As James Earl Jones' first duty as Dark Lord of the Sith, he takes revenge on MLK Jr's assassin James Earl Ray. On his days off, he does some voice over work for some Disney toons, CNN, and the company formerly known as Bell Atlantic.
Is this shiz gonna rock or what? I mean, how can it get any worser thanJake Lloyd, Dex and his space diner, slurring Asian aliens, bugs that fart when they talk, and the bane of my eggsistance, Jar Jar STINX. Lettuce all pray that Lucas gives mad screen time to Jimmy Smits and his wicked cable knit turtleneck sweaters.
May the force be with us, always...
Viernes Gigante!
- This week's Photoshop Phriday be pretty weak.
- Just to make you Blue Staters/Red Haters feel better, take a peep at this average IQ list of the states (who knowz how valid the data is). [via My Man Marvkus]
- And here's some hotness to get u thru til the next posting...
Thursday, November 4
Cleveland Cleavage Rocks!
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- Really lame Urban Legends. [via Site With That HORRIBLE Logo]
- The Steelers' logo and why its only on one side of the helmet all hexplained here! [via Ask Yazoo!]
- Alaska could have been the next Netherlands.
- 'Kemosabe', not racist.
- The Missouri El Tigres' men's b-ball squad were smacked with 3 years probation, but no ban on tourney play. Quin Snyder could not be reached for comment cause his nose was deep down in a pile of blow. Let it be known that Quiny, with the Leonardo DiCap hair, be the only person associated with the Dukies that I remotely respect.
- Liquid Heroin Found in Fruit Juice Boxes. I think these be those long lost/rumored juice boxes that were suppose to end up in Jonestown, Guyana, instead of that wicked cyanide Kool-Aid.
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- Buy a the mix CD pieced together by Grandaddy's Jason Lytle and you can win a mix cassette! WOW! Now all the winner has to do is find a tape player!
- Add Macca to the Band Aid III line-up.
- Select yous, sign up for free passes to see Natalie Portman play a stripper in Closer or Geoffrey Rush looking eggzactly like Peter Sells in The Life & Death of Peter Sellers. And for you EnWhySeaers, pick up free passes to see Bridget Jones II, Seed of Chucky, and Brett Ratner's latest piece of crap.
And some final political fizz...
- Now that Puffy's mission of getting famous skinny people and Democratic NYers to vote is over, maybe he can resurrect Nintendo's Skate Or Die!
- Single and want to move to Canada pronto? Click me! Or contact Cutie Canuck Paige. [via My Democratic Man Marvkus]
- You thought G Dub won yesterday? Boviously you were mistaken. The map don't lie peoples! Major congratrelations to The Peabs & The Coz!!! I can already hear the '4 more years!' chant, but...
- Who you puttin yer money on in 2008? Here be the odds: Hilly Clinton at 6/1, BOOliani at 7/1, The Kid/Edwards at 10/1, Kerry at 40/1, Cheney and Schwarzenegger each at 66/1, and the Cuthbert/Thigh Master ticket comes in at 9,999,999,999,998/1!
Wednesday, November 3
Conceded Bastard
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Anywho, lets think positive here folks. Maybe by 2008, Iraq will be a State and get 3 electoral votes! That can only help the Demos, I mean Hillary Clintonian. GO BABY!!! Once yer in the White House you can get finger-banged by interns to get back at Bill! And did I really want to marry my ultra flaming gay boyfriend or have that back alley abortion before 2008? And when I woke up this morning I felt sooooo much safer than I did they day before! I've already thrown out my post apocalyptic survival kit and tell every Muslim looking person I see on the street, 'BRING IT ON TOWELHEAD CAUSE WE'RE AMERICA AND WE RULE'.
I would like to thank the following people for NOTHING:
- Michael Moore, for making a one/lop-sided documentary that only preached to the choir. Yer movie doesn't mean shit now. Next time try to be a lil more fair & balanced and maybe you can convince people who actually need to be convinced.
- Howard Dean, for making an a$$ out of himself after the Iowa primary. You basically scared the crap out of people and left us with a bunk-a$$ed candidate. If one positive thing can be salvaged from yer 'campaign', it would be dem amazing 'Yearrrrrrrrrrgh' remixes.
- Tucker Carlson, for keepin the bowtie dream alive. Why did you have to peace the fork out on us Senator Paul Simon??
- The News, for boring the crap out of America. You all almost forced us to watch wretched reality TV instead. ALMOST!!!
- Al Gore, for inventing the Internet.
- George Bush, for inventing the Internets.
- Idaho Senator Michael Crapo, for having the greatest surname and for mcnabbing 100% of the vote in yer race!!
- And finally, ME, for making awful predictions like the Cardinals winning in 6 games, or saying the regardless of history, the Redskins and Kerry were a lock last Friday. Basically Jar-Jar Binks and I single handed-lee ruined it for all of us and now the Sith gov-mint has control of the Senate too. SEND IN THE CLONES!!!
Tuesday, November 2
Skate Vote or Die!!
- What is sure to be the hottiest show of the fall that no one is even talkin' bout? How bout good ole Rachael Ray and her latest joint called Inside Dish. Instead of pestering tourism employees and homeless people on where to find a bargain meal, she gets to annoy the crap out of famous peep-holes like Morgan Freeman, Mariel Hemingway, and Dennis Franz. And if we're lucky, maybe she'll get crazy stoned and turn into a lizard when she jams with Cheech Marin. Even if that happens, she still won't be as baked as she was on the Amsterdam edition of $40 A Day!
- Which of these is in the K-Rock Claus Fest 2004 line-up is not like the others: VELVET REVOLVER, KORN, PAPA ROACH, JIMMY EAT WORLD, CHEVELLE, and FRANZ FERDINAND. I'll give you a hint, has to do with a WWI assassinated dude and the band's music is actually something u can listen to without puking on yerself. Give up? Then go ahead and buy tickets to the show @ Continental Arena, Friday, December 3rd. The password is 'turnpike'
- Saw Saw? But will you see Saw 2 too?
- If Bush loses, at least he can mcnabb a free acupuncture!
- Calling all waiters: GET YER A$$ TO PHILLY!!
- Who knew that Dr Seuss was a sell-out before he could even sell-out, Horton?
- Delpy & Theroux: Dopest screen couple since Law & Watts in I Heart Crapabees? Methinks so!
- And finally, if you do not vote, I will cease to post sweaty pics of Her Royal Thighness II. You've been warned...
Monday, November 1
The Weapons of
A$$ Destruction
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- Major congrats to the MD Twerps who finally beat FSU for the first time ever. Too bad yer record is a bunk-a$$ 4-4.
- Chemical Brothers' drop their next LP Push the Button on January 25th. Q-Tip is on board for a song, but what other fun sirprizes lie ahead? Meanwhilst, Fischerspooner are putting the finishing touches on their second album, tentatively titled 'Odyssey', with Mirwais behind the wheels. Guest star pastabilties include David Byrne, Linda Perry, Susan Sontag and Tony Hoffer. It'll drop sometime next Spring.
- Twin Peaks Season 2 DVDs coming out in late 2005?
- The Futureheads pay a visit to the Canal Room this Wednesday night. Tis only 8 bones!!
- Ricky Gervais turns Oasis shill.
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- Someone please stop this man!
- If you are a multi-tasker like el Maestro of Thighs, I recommend you start using Mozilla's Firefox browser. Tabs aint just for Microsoft Excel any mo!!
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- Enjoy G Dub's cover of 'Sunday Bloody Sunday'? Here's a whole bunch mo.
- Chris Columbus currently be shopping around his Little Steven's Underground Garage Festival doc to the big studios.
- Bored? Play with Rubik's Cube.
- Peace the fork out doesn't always apply to people who die. I'd like to extend some Forking to the following peeps: Goldie, Kathy Whiteside, Ira Mellman and Johnny Dark, who all got the pink slip from WBIG Oldies 100, the radio station I interned at in the mid 90s, and a berry belated PEACE THE FORK OUT to my main man and lass, Senor & Senora Gomberigas. Hope you make the most out of yer new Midwest digs, i.e. eating at Steak n Shake for every meal.
- And speaking of Senor G, he passed along this fine link: A Montana Woman Is Accused of Letting Her 18-MONTH-OLD Daughter Smoke Marijuana From A Bong. That almost makes this guy look normal: Idaho Man Accused of Stealing Underwear
Eating Around The Bush
As time passes, birthdays mean less and less to me, but I end up having prolonged celebrations. What used to be a day at Chuck E. Cheese's has now blossomed into multiple weeks of festivities. I now do a Maryland and NY b-day thang. And as my b-day looms on the horizon (this Sunday for all you gift givers), this past weak end was dedicated to roots of del Thigh Master.
Friday night I headed solo (long story) like Han to the lovely Ottobar in a rather shady area of Bal'more, Merryland (but hey, isn't all of Bal'more shady?). I was there to catch my flavorite band of the moment: The Fiery Furnaces. After peeping their majestic medley-laden amazingness at The Bowery B-Room back in late Zeptember I knew I had to see them again (and again x3471). Does that make me the band's only groupie? Probably, but so be it. Anywho, I was glad to get there b4 the FFs took to the stage, so I could czech out the gay hotttness of the The Hidden Cameras. Think Belle & Sebastian, but even butter, and maybe even gayer. As for the main event, Matt & Eleanor Friedberger-Furnacesness, with help pitched it from Andy Knowles & Toshi Yano, once again electrified the crowd with one of the finest live shows out there (surely toe-tappingiest). I won't go on and on about how I pray to them 5 times daily, but you have to pick up their latest, Blueberry Boat (destined to top Thigh's breastest albums of the year), and catch them live. And for the record, I'd like to note that Matty Friedberger looks like a handsomerer version of John Kerry, and I want to have Eleanor's babies.
Saturday was a day of pure gluttony (but that's pretty much every day for me). With Mama, Papa, and Sister Master in tow, we headed up 30 miles north into the Merryland 'boonies' to the closet mecca of down home eats. We started off with some Cracker Barrel craziness including sitting on the rocking chairs, playing the peg game, and having the fam watch me devour some of dat chicken fried chicken smothered in gravy. After that, although there was no room left in my stomach, we went up the road to Waffle House for some pecan waffle dessertness. YUM! Many hours and moons later, my mum pieced together a b-day dinner for the ages. I mean why go out to eat when mumsy can cook better than Martha Stewart, Rachael Ray, and Mrs Field's combined!! Everything from flank steak to sweet potato pie to potato latkes to mustard soup to creme brulee was inhaled over 3+ hrs. What a mos purrrrrrrfect warm-up to Thanksgiving (the Thigh's all-tim flav holly-day). Bless you mum and bless you dad for marrying mum. And bless you both for doing the nasty so I can enjoy yer greatness as peoples... and mum's cooking.
Then it was Sunday. With an extra hour of sleep under my belt, I headed out to the city formerly known as Raljon to catch my belovededed Redskins do damage... to themselves. BOOOO!!!! Start Ramsey!! Well, at least I got to see Farve play at least once before he retires (at least!!!), and we can all sleep easy now cause Kerry will win on Tuesday for sure (or whenever the smoke clears) cause histiry SEZ so. And how could I forget to mention the stooopendous 10am tailgate! I must have chowed down at least 127314643 sausages and pecan twirls with the great company of Hofpenis, Guns n' Rosenthal, Krazmataz, Minky, and the one and only Todd Slanderous. Thanks to everyone who made the pre-B-day weak end filled with more food, folks, and fun than any human can handle... unless of course yer first name is Thigh. FOOD COMA FOREVER!!! The only regret is not dressing up for Halloween, but why even try when Ross K Doji had the one costume to rule them all...
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Then it was Sunday. With an extra hour of sleep under my belt, I headed out to the city formerly known as Raljon to catch my belovededed Redskins do damage... to themselves. BOOOO!!!! Start Ramsey!! Well, at least I got to see Farve play at least once before he retires (at least!!!), and we can all sleep easy now cause Kerry will win on Tuesday for sure (or whenever the smoke clears) cause histiry SEZ so. And how could I forget to mention the stooopendous 10am tailgate! I must have chowed down at least 127314643 sausages and pecan twirls with the great company of Hofpenis, Guns n' Rosenthal, Krazmataz, Minky, and the one and only Todd Slanderous. Thanks to everyone who made the pre-B-day weak end filled with more food, folks, and fun than any human can handle... unless of course yer first name is Thigh. FOOD COMA FOREVER!!! The only regret is not dressing up for Halloween, but why even try when Ross K Doji had the one costume to rule them all...
