Thighs Wide Shut

Monday, May 31

Bitched @ Swirth?

aka

Switched at Birth?

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Dinty Moore & More

- Who's had more spinoffs than Ultragrrrl (see Greg the B-Friend & Nikki The Roomie)? The Lebowski Fest, that's who! First there was the original one in Louisville (where yer humble narrator is headed to next month). Then a western one spouted up in Vegas this past February. And now it's time to break out the white Russians and Creedence tapes for a third installment in New York, from August 13-14!!

- Speaking of grand events, Bono and Prime Pimp Tony Blair are looking to raise money for the world's poor by resurrecting Live Aid from the dead. Original head pimp in charge of the 1985 version, Sir Bobby Geldof, has so far not been involved in round 2. I'm sure he's too busy shaving off his eyebrows in a hotel somewhere.

- An albino alligator moved from Florida to Iowa. And somewhere from point A to B, he got a lil light in the loafers.
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Sunday, May 30

Globespitting

Which Hogwarts student was voted
Most Likely To Be Heteroflexible?
- Eerier than Lake Erie: Michael Moore interviewed Nick Berg about safety in Iraq five months before his decapitation. The footage was left out of his highly acclaimed Palme d'Or winner, Fahrenheit 9/11.

- Al-Jazeera is out pimping its new fangled sports channel. Insert stereotypical camel racing joke here.

- And to wrap things up... Men has sex with hen. Man caught in act by wife. Man attempts to kill wife. Wife escapes. Man is shunned by village. Man kills himself. Hen is slaughtered. Man forgot to catch hen's name.

Merry Memorial Day's Eve Day Y'all!!
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Saturday, May 29

Prom Frites

- Sure, we were all a lil nutty when wees was in high school, but you still never wanted to be "that guy" who wore the dreaded tar heel blue tux or even the way way weigh faux pas tuxedo t-shirt to the prom. Sure times have changed. Kids get hand jobs in third grade and are much more into experimentation all around (see 'testing gender boundaries' posting). But the song remains the same. Latest prom formal wear craze: duct tape. And some chick in Maine to took two years to make an entire dress out of Starburst wrappers!

- How do you get people to watch a movie on cable TV that no one wanted to see in theaters? In the case of the Starz! Network v Gigli, you tell em that it's so awful that "you know you want to see it." Ben Affleck is the new Carrot Top (read: box office poison). Even the Kevin Smith helmed Shitfleck project, Jersey Girl, made $10 million less than the entire budget. Maybe they'll both embark on new careers. [Link via Flea]

- This guy has probably the funniest blog I've ever read. Czech out his May 27th entry. What a joker!!!

- Don't be an f-in bastard and use this Did They Read It? service that will tell you when exactly an email you sent someone was opened, how long that email remained opened, and where geographically was that email viewed. I have emails sitting in my inbox from 1816. I promise, I'll respond, but I'll a little busy right now trying to conquer the world and LL's heart.

- Speaking of LL, turns out that daddy Michael has a history of violence and was once even a "jailhouse stoolie" for commodities fraud. Who cares, his sperm is the f-n biz-omb! [Link via my girl Vega$]

- And one final stizzle... Since I'm back in the burbs, I like to do burbsy kinda things like go to the mall. Well, ya wanna know what? The malls f-in suck worse then Ben Affleck's career. Who needs 8,273 shoe stores in one place? The only bright spot on my tour of duty was the free chicken finger samples at Chick-fil-A in the food court.
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Friday, May 28

That IS Just Right.com

Gawd bless you Michael Lohan
and el F.U.B.A.R. maestro!
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Note: Justin Case you didn't know or are too dumb to move yer cursor over the picture above, but it is love actually a clickable link. It takes you to a game called "Spot The Drummer". Enjoy!
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Going Home For
The Holly Daze

- All dough my a$$ is Amtraking back to Merryland this weekend, I'll still be able to blog like crazy since my rents have dat high-speed internet jonks. Also, I have to give you all a full report of my ye olde stomping grounds Rockville's annual Hometown Holidays celebration, which in years past have included such washed-up acts as Kool & The Gang, Three Dog Night, and Martha Reeves & Vandellas. This year's soiree features recent has-beens the Gin Blossoms AND Live!! I also plan to head to the rainbow/family friendly confines of Rehoboth Beach, Delaware (yes, the state does actually eggsist Joel Sonkin!!) for some infamous Nic-O-Bolis. Enuff about me and more about random crap.

- What's the breast way to support our troops? Buy an Abu Ghraib tee! [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- After hearing hubby's ode to baby Apple, "Nappies", one too many times, looks like Gwenyie is all ready to get back to work. Next assignment: a Marlene Dietrich biopic

- Need to waste a few minutes? Play this Abba to Zappa music game. Or go here for some "eye catching" fun. [Link via Popbitch]

- Two things in the land of gross. #1 - Ever wanted to see Pink take a pee pee? Now you can! [Link also via Popbitch. Peeps, sign up for their newsletter already!!]

- Larry Harmon is a bozo, not the creator of Bozo the Clown.

- One more reason to not live in Bangladesh: it took the post office almost three years to deliver a letter just 30 miles away. Gawd bless America and our broom stick in the ass politics.

- I love spam about enlarging my penis and lowering my mortgage rates, but I'd never join this Spam fan club.

- No questions asked, just click me and turn up the f-in volume. [Link via Posh & Becker]

- On the Lohangate front, daddy Michael took a break from beating his in-laws, but hasn't yet paid back a loan he took out on their Long Island house to start a production company. They may end up losing the house, but I'm sure LL can buy them a new one. And speaking of Ms Hotness, word on the street is that Luscious Lohan and That'70s Show's Wilmer Valderrama have been canoodling on both coasts. Is that ho-bag cheating on me again?? Well, LL claims that Wilmer is "just my friend", which was backed up by his rep. Anywho, I'm starting to dig her new hair color. I'd bang her even if she was covered with spiders and microwaved tuna fish. [Link via my gal Vega$ and gossip via Flea's ho-bag]
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Thursday, May 27

Caff & Nick At Eeen

Despite what my boy Pak-Man dubbed as one of the worst movie he's ever seen (and he loves any movie), I still wanted to see Jim Jar-mush-mouth's drink/smoke/talk-a-thon known as Coffee and Cigarettes. The main reason: to see Meg White’s curves and as Scott Stereoshizzle described, her "horrific teeth. No wonder she never opens her mouth." Indeed! But despite her British teeth, she and Jackie White are natural actors. More so than cast mate Iggy Pop (see, or don't see The Crow: City of Angels), although it’s always nice to see his Droopy Dogesque face. The black & white cinematography was f-in mint, but it hurt my eyes to watch it... and I almost fell asleep. Same thing happened when mees was watching Schindler's List. It also didn't help that 1/3 of the vignettes were more boringer than my G109 - Weather and Climate class at ole IU. But despite some of dem eye slitting scenes, there were some moments that truly shined, like Scatman Crothers or Danny in The Shining. Obvs props go out to the aforementioned former Mr and Mrs White, RZA/GZA/Bill Murray, Cate Blanchett's duel role, and the Alfred Molina/Steve Coogan "Cousins?" encounter. Not a MUSS C, but worth a peep. Although I could have lived without ever seeing Meg's teeth and the nic fit the movie gave me. And by the way, shitty-ass website RedCarpetPictures.sucks, his name is Steve Buscemi, not Peter.
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Who has starred in some of the most awfullest movies ever?

Yep, good ole Madge-Donna!
And what better way to celebrate this un-umcredible oeuvre than with 4 FREE screenings sponsored in part by one of the greatestest cable channels out there, Trio:

Where?
Loews Theaters 34th Street
312 West 34th Street (between 8th-9th Aves)
The City, NY

What and When?
Wed, June 2 - Shanghai Surprise
Wed, June 16 - Who's That Girl?
Wed, June 23 - Body of Evidence
Tue, June 29 - Swept Away
all at 8PM (doors open at 7PM)

Wear?
Come dressed as Madonna and get free pop corn and soda!

Which one will the Thigh Master attend?
Who's That Girl? cause secretly I'm in love with Griffin Dunne.

Legal Crap?
Seating not guaranteed and is available on a first come, first served basis.
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Who Doesn't Love
Bouncing Boobies?

Czech out these fine Jello Jigglers linkages
from DatsJussSnotWrite.com/F.U.B.A.Rski:

Dunst

Lohan

[both are safe for work]
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Have Your Cake
And Beat Off Too

OK, this pictorial is months overdue, but butter late than margarine, eh? Remember this douche bag?

He's the Average Joe who was pimping for some average ho's. I was invited to a screening since one of the gals I grew up with, Jen A, was a "contestant". After the party, like any D-list star stalker, I approached Jen A and all the other "contestants" in attendance, including eventual "winner" Samantha Trenk (she's the one in the middle), and begged them to take a picture with me and my former John Lennon circa Sgt Peppers stache.

[Props de leon to Elisia for the pic!]
- What on gawds good earth is going on in the Blogga-sphere? First dearest Uncle Grambs' site gets knocked out and now Scott Stereoshizzle's? Lets just pray that Wil Wheaton has enuff cheddar to keep his site running.

- After sending a suicidal email to loved ones and then pulling a DB Cooperesque disappearance, Helen DeWitt, author of the novel The Last Samurai, was found in good working condition. Ya know, if I wrote that book and it was turned into an uber-boring movie starring Tom Cruise, I'd contemplate ending it all too!

- Word on the street is that DC blogging ho bags Wonkette and Washingtonienne Jessica Cutler are going to pose for Playboy. If that shiz happens, it'll be the lowest selling issue evs and I'll cut off my penis.

- Sometimes the internet can be a bad thing. Eggsample, Ogre Porn. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

- Sick of that ugly mug you got attached to yer neck? Now you can be as cool as John Travolta and Nic Cage and get that Face/Off . [Link via Tim "Fucker" Altie]

- Tell me you heard about shark-toothed Jewel's performance that even Comic Book Guy would have declared the worst concert ever. As soon as she came out to perform she began to insult the audience, from poking fun at fat people to others with no teeth. Like she's one to talk. Her chompers are nastier than microwaved tuna covered with urine from a NYC subway bum. And at one point, she told everyone to stop looking at her teeth and look at her breasts. Eeesh, that surely sounds like the worst concert since what dearest Uncle Grambs dubbed a "back alley abortion of a performance put on by Beck @ Coachella." Hey Jewel, time to go back to Alaska and open cans with those pearly yellows of yers.

- Finally, we get the real scoop on this whole Lohangate scandal from one of the men involved, Lindsay's pa Michael "Gawd Bless Your Sperm" Lohan. Apparently his brother-in-law was having a little too much fun after LL's lil bro Cody's First Communion and had to be beaten with Mike Lohan's shoe!! My guess is that the altercation stemmed from the brother-in-law dude making lewd comments about LL's bazoombas and the fun-awfulness that is Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. And speaking of Lohan and thighs wide open, czech out this hot photo. [Link via Mizz Modern Rage]

- Would you bee leave for a second that a clown named Spanky could be capable of child pornography? Shame on you Spanky!! I told you to stop hanging out with Pee-Wee Herman and Jeffery Jones! [Link via Flea]

- Who's Cocoa Pete? Who cocoa cares.

- Carvel Ice Cream turned 70 and to celebrate, they wents out and broketh the Guinness™ Record for
the world's largest birthday cake. Nothing this cool has been attempted since Uncle Buck made those mammoth pancakes. Maybe for their 100th b-day they'll break their own world record and bake the world's largest Fudgie the Whale.

- I didn't really think about enlarging my shlong until I received this piece of spam 4 TIMES TODAY:

From: "Emery Ferguson"
Subject: you must be small bose
Date: Wed, 26 May 2004 20:58:00 +0600

You've heard about these pills on TV, in the news, and online and have probably asked yourself, "Do they really work?" The answer is YES! IGF2 is a powerful erection enhancing product that will create erections so strong and full that over time your penis will actually grow as a direct result! If you would like a more satisfying sex life then IGF2 is for you!
THE BENEFITS OF IGF2
1. Gain Up To three* Full Inches In Length!
2. Increase Your Peeeniiis Width (Girth) By 20%!
3. Stop Premature Ejaculation!
4. Produce Stronger, Rock Hard Erections!
5. 100% Safe To Take, With NO Side Effects!
6. Fast Priority Shipping WorldWide!
7. Doctor Approved And Recommended!
8. No Pumps! No Surgery!

http://rd.yahoo.com/procrustean/dreamt/concave/*http://global-offers.biz/?xp65526z

This is f-in horrrrrrrrrible,
but I had to share it with you, my peeps

[Damn you Tim "Fucker" Altie!]
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Wednesday, May 26

"The Sky Is Falling"

24 is the best show ever
that's divisible by 8!!

Why?

Cause Tony Almeida is the MAN!!

He'd sell out his country for his wife
That's true love folks

And cause Chase got speared in 1990's
version of Lord of the Flies

And now he's missing a hand too!!

And cause when Jack Bauer needs
something he gets it NOW!!!

And the dude breathes heavier than
James Earl Jones with a stuffed nose

And cause Jo Boo and his disciple
President Palmer will not seek a second term!

That leaves the race wide open
for the following candidates:

- Pedro of Napoleon Dynamite fame
- Peabs and The Coz on the Obvs Platform
- and the Ralph Nader/DB Woodside ticket

At least I won't have to see this face
on my telly for at least another year
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Endangered Feces

- Can someone please explain how George Lucas went from making movies that matter like THX 1138, to exec producing Howard the Duck? Is this what happens to a man when he gets dumped by Linda Ronstadt??

- Jonesing to see Fleetwood Mac, Kid Rock, The Moody Blues, Hall & Oates, Ozzfest, Bryan Adams, Cyndi Lauper, or my favorite dynamic duo, Michael Bolton & Kenny G. at Jones Beach or Jersey's PNC Art Center for only $10??? For one day only, Tuesday, June 1st, from 10 AM to 10 PM, you can get a ticket for a total price of $10 f-in bones (that includes all bullshit charges)!! This offer is only available for tickets purchased at the Jones Beach and PNC Arts Center box offices and will NOT be sold via the Internet or outlets. Anyone want to get me some of dem Cyndi Lauper tickets?? Before I die I need to hear her umcredible "Goonies R Good Enough" live. Lettuce just hope another bird doesn't take a dump in her mouth.

- Props de leon to my fellow dirt bags over at ThatsJustNotRight.com aka F.U.B.A.R. for adding TWS to their grand list o' "Dick Links". Not only have I stolen images from dat redonkey-donk site, but now I'll be stealing their readers as well.

- In more dirty old man news, looks like more teenage girls are testing gender boundaries these days. Lucky girls! I'm not against being "gayish" or "heteroflexible", but there's no way I'd get near a man's grundle after smelling my own. Match-up I'd love to see le most: Lohan and Mischa Barton. Orange on blonde? That's one creamsicle I'd lick for hours. Speaking of Lohan, enter here to win a trip for two to the 2004 MTV Movie Awards show in Los Angeles. If you win, you have to take me with you and I'll buy all you can eat Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. And speaking of Lohan's boobs, can someone please tell this blogger to stop Photoshopping scars and drawing red circles all over them? [Link via Byrne Victim]

- The list of America's 11 Most Endangered Historical Places was released the other day. Somehow the whole state of Vermont made the list, Seabiscuit's home, and that hideous looking building I see every day known as 2 Columbus Circle. In other endangerd news, John Coltrane's Long Island home was declared a landmark.

- NME is all set to unleash their Top Ten Fittest Rock Stars list. XFM Online leaked the list a day early: 1. Carl Barat (The Libertines), 2. Alex Kapranos (Franz Ferdinand), 3. Fabrizio Moretti, 4. Meg White, 5. Jack White, 6. Karen O, 7. Brody Dalle (The Distillers), 8. Marcie Bolen (The Von Bondies), 9. Nick Valensi, 10. Julian Casablancas. First of all, there should be no Strokes on the list cause they're so 2001, secondly, juss looking at Karen O makes me want to cut off my penis, and lastly, but not leastly, I want to bang on Meg White's bazaoombies all day long, but is she fit? She's not only in need of The Thigh Master's love, but a Thigh Master as well. And speaking of Franz Ferdie, they've chosen a very "heteroflexible" song for their next single, "Michael".

- And to close this wooly mammoth entry, me and my girl Vega$ agree: What the fuck is wrong with all these liz-adies???

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Tuesday, May 25

Phish Is Dead
Hooooray!!!

Phish, an Ultra smelly jam band and the inspiration for an awful Ben & Jerry's flavor, will finally be hanging up the vacuum cleaner for good at the end of their summer tour. This is the greatest news in music since Justin Guarini applied for unemployment. But what are the millions of people who wasted thousands upon thousands o dollars on glass pipes, stoopid ironic t-shirts, and bootlegs going to do with their money for years to come? Maybe they can pool their money and raise Jerry Garcia from the dead (no pun intended). Peace out Phish. You were a bunch of gifted musicians who wasted everyone's time and money. For more information on that stoopid vacuum, click here.
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Faux Pause

What in the name of all things holy has Lindsay Lohan done to her beautiful auburn hair?!?!?!?! Why on earth would she do that? She looks worse than Rosie O'Donnell when she wakes up in the morn. Hopefully it has nothing to do with her fam hiring a "beefy" security crew to keep watch of their house or when I told her to stop looking at other men!! [Major props de leon to my gal Vega$ for the heads up on the hair change]

In other stizzle, check out this interesting Anti-Bush game that stars Mr. T, Hulk Hogan, Voltron, and a cast of thousands. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

And upon further review, Coldplay/Chris "Boring" Martin's ode to baby Apple isn't as awful as I had originally thought. Sure the video with its horrid dancing is a bit too cheeky for my taste, but download the song here and listen to it again... and then again. And if you don't jump out of a window after that, you'll see it my way. It's f-in catchy in a Weird Al Yankovic kinda way. "I am your baby's daddy!" [Link via Bernie's House of Fun]

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Box Office Bidness
Tired Scottish Accents

1. Shrek 2 - $104.3 million ($125.3 million) - Sure the film made a shitload and even beat out The Christ for best opening of 2004, but there's no way on this blue Earth that I'm seeing this crud. Am I the only one? It probably doesn't help that I work with animation all day long and the last thing I want to do is see more of it AND spend money on it. Anyways, there's only been 2 purely good computer generated flicks: Toy Story and Toy Story 2.

2. Troy $23.8 million ($85.8 million) - I did a little research this past weekend and founded out that this movie is riddled with historical inaccuracies. Did you know that they didn't even speak English in olden Greece? Ah whatever, the Hulk rules!

3. Van Helsing - $10.1 million ($100.2 million) - How did poor Faramir go from super stud to bumbling jackass? Read this and find out.

4. Mean Girls- $6.9 million ($64.7 million) - Well, turns out that this wasn't the first movie since City of God that I would see twice in the theater. That berry special title belongs to one of the best movies of 2004, Napoleon Dynamite. Anywho, dearest Grambs, time to get off the Bynes tip and hop on the LL Express. Bynes' career is more done than Warrick. I'm glad her next role in a movie is a voice over, so I won't have to see her 5.2-head. Whatevs, we both need new tween queens to worship...

5. Man On Fire - $3.9 million ($69.3 million) - I keep mulling over whether to see this or not and then I found out that these are some of the "memorable quotes":

Creasy: Forgiveness is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting.

Lisa: What are you going to do?
Creasy: What I do best: I'm gonna kill 'em. Anyone who was involved, anyone who profited from it, anyone who opens their eyes at me.

Pita: You have a girlfriend?
Creasy: What kind of question is that? You're supposed to be studying history.
Pita: It *is* history: Creasy history.
Creasy: No, that's ancient history!

6. Breakin' All the Rules - $2.8 million ($9 million) - I think there needs to be a smoking ban, cause Gabrielle Union is too smoking HOTTTTTTTT.

7. 13 Going 30 - $2.5 million ($52.1 million) - Garner must have be so ultra-cool when she was 17 going on gag me with a spoon.

8. New York Minute - $1.2 million ($12.5 million) - After our exposing exposes on Jodes Sweetang, Kirk's sister, and the ever precocious Kimmy Gibbler, I figured that Dave Coulier (pronounced Cool-Yay) and his website, Cut It Out.net, deserved a little love. Don't bother clicking on the "Fun Page" cause it wasn't that much fun.

9. Kill Bill: Volume 2 - $1.6 million ($60.8 million) - Who has a bigger ego, Quentin Tatar-tots or Michael Moore? I don't really care, but they both should be coaches for the new Lingerie Football League.

10. Super Size Me - $1 million ($2.9 million) - Best current trend in movies: the smart documentary that makes money.
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Monday, May 24

We Built This Blog On
LL Rocks
And Dinner Rolls

Who's having the best year ever? Lindsay Lohan

Who's turning 18 in under 40 days? Lindsay Lohan

Who has the most gigantic ba-zoombas? Lindsay Lohan

Who will be the first Mrs. Thigh Master? Lindsay Lohan

Who was on the LL tip all last year but didn't have a blog to profess his love? The Thigh Master

Who has green eyes? LL and The Thigh Master

Aren't we a match made in heaven? Well at least that's what Miss Cleo told me.

Anywho, apparently the Indian media is more gaga for Lohan news than yers truly. I found two brief news briefs that were enuff to raise my mast in my Calvin Klein boxer briefs:

Fake boobs? Me thinks not, and Queen Lohan agrees, "Recently, I heard that I've gotten a boob job. I'm 17! It's kind of perverted, but if they're gonna write about anything to bring attention to my chest, why not!" Hey baby, I write about yer boobs everyday, wanna go get a 3-piece dinner with me at Popeyes?

Looks like its time for another cat fight, tween style!! Hilary Muff Daddy wasn't too "honored" when LL and the rest of the Saturday Night Dead crew poked fun at her. LL retorted, "I thought things were cool. Hilary, I don't wanna start anything again!" Always the peacemaker, always the hottie, always LL. Btw- did you see her s'wonderful work on that SNL episode in question? With the magic of TiVo, my lazzzy ass finally saw it. Lohan's hot bod and comic timing struck gold again. The faux t.A.T.u. skit was tops and the Harry Potter one about Hermione/LL's breasts blooming wasn't too shabby either. Speaking of Hermione, dearest Uncle Grambs will soon be heading to jail for his lustations over the 14-year-old Emma Watson. Oh, wait, those are my lustations...

Trouble in the house of Lohan? Looks like some family member attacked another in their Merrick, Long Island home! Thankfully LL was not involved or home at the time. She was too busy giving me a full body massage. [Link via Chatty Cathy]

Finally, I'm in love with my new site meter Nedstat. According to their fab statistics, these 8 key words bring people to Thighs Wide Shut via many a search engine:
1. lohan, 2. thighs, 3. lindsay, 4. nipple, 5. wide, 6. shut, 7. Lohan, 8. Lindsay
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Wham, Bam
Thank You Cannes

Wham!

- It's official, The Sopranos are back from the dead. Or more like back with the dead. Finally, something actually happened on the show and I'm not talking about some fat dude getting head in a parking lot. I kept pleading for more whackings per episode, but my confidant Dicky Greenleaf/Mr. Pibbums told me that's not what the show is about. Me was like, me don't care, more whackings!! They're in the mob. Mob = whackings, end of f-in story. Well, the writers stashed away their Annette Bening/horse fetishes and got back to the whacking!! And as eggspected, the family whacked-a-mole, who's name be Adrianna. Don't worry folks, she's going to be reincarnated as Joey's sister on the Friends spin-off. With this and last week's whacking of Sherry Palmer on 24 I haven't seen something this shocking, this lurid on television, since the series premiere of The Mullets on UPN. With one episode left, all hell is about to break loose like a girl turning 16. Too bad season numero seis doesn't air until 2006!! By then Lindsay Lohan will be turning 20, the major awards will be handed out the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Berlin, and Greece still won't be ready for the 2004 Summer Games.

- The word vulva.

- The Streets' new album, A Grand Don't Come for Free, is mos def worth picking up. Normally you'd think that 50 minutes of a guy just talking about fish and chips and getting ripped wouldn't be all that amusing, but some how Mike Skinner pulls it off. What was known as "spoken word" has now become "blogging over phat beats".

- Ponch still cares about highway safety! And what have you done for me lately Larry Wilcox?

- For 16 days in February '05, Reichstag wrapper, and MC, Christo and his bizatch, Jeanne-Claude, will be bringing their long gestating dream art project to Central Park. 7,500 Gates, 16 feet high each, will be built and follow the edges of 23 miles of footpaths. If yer Wes Craven for mo information about this massive undertaking, I'd suggest you head on over to the best art museum this side of the globe, The Met.

- This guy also enjoys hot chicks, but he happens to have more time on his hands then me.

- Props to Marty Score and his The Last Temptation of (the) Christ. It wasn't as well directed as Mel Gibson's overblown snuff film, but he did let Jesus rock out with his coccyx out and bang a hooker... no seriously, and he even had children and broke-danced for shekels! Le only down side to the movie was what me and Wannamaker dubbed, one of the worst casting decisions ever: Harvey Keitel as Judas.

- I'm an Airhead and you will be one too after checking out the French duo's KCRW session on LA. F-in mint.

- Napoleon Dynamite is the breast comedy I have seen since The Big Lebowski and Rushmore. It is that good. I took in my second free screening on Sunday and I intend to attend a 3rd.

For those of you non-believers, I urge you to go. I'm going to urge overkill you so much that I'm even offering up 5 free passes (that'll admit two each) to a NY screening on Thursday, June 10th. Be one of the first 5 to email me and the passes are yers. And if you don't like it, the Thigh Master will give you yer money back... And remember, a vote for Pedro is a vote for your wildest dreams!

- Waste yer time with this suckers.

- First there was You're The Man Now Dog, now there's this Milton Waddamsism. [Link via Shady Harry's Son]

Bam!

- Wanna buy a used Arnold Schwarzenegger cough drop? Too late. Now get yer ass to Mars.

- Puff Daddy cares. No, he really does. My girl the Garvester weighs in on his politcal ambitions.

- Have you seen the new GI Joe Spy Troops cartoon movie yet? Don't. Unless of course you don't want to save whatever's left of your precious childhood memories that George Lucas and his new Star Warses haven't already urinated on. It looks like 3rd-rate Pixar animation meets The Lawnmower Man's long outdated virtual reality.

- For some odd reason, I was drawn back into The Whitney to get one last bad look at their forgettable Biennial. No change in opinion. Modern art can lick my chode. Note to Whitney: drop the pretentious crap and photos of guys' shlongs and buy some more Edward Hoppers! Hop to it.

- I saw all of about 12 minutes of something with a Philip Glass score called Naqoyqatsi. I felt like I was walking through The Whitney again. My eyes can only take so much Clockwork Orange style torture. I was cured alright.

- So if there's a 3-D church online, when's the first synagogue being posted? I always need an eggcuse to eat virtual pigs in a blanket and rock out to "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge or "Celebration" by Kool And The Gang.

Thank You Cannes!

- The French gave us the Statue of Liberty and a kind of toast. They also handed out the prestigious Palme d'Or (aka, the top prize) of the Cannes Film Festival to Michael Moore for his revealing documentary about the Bushes, Fahrenheit 9/11. I wonder if he'll have trouble finding a US distributor now. Czech out Ebert's report of the festivities here.
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Sunday, May 23

Did You Know That 'Lohan' Is A Buddhist Who Has Attained Nirvana?

Oh, Lindsay Lohan. Did you know that someone has created the worst blog using your perfect name? Bastards!!! Did you know that people are selling crappy clocks with your likeness on em? Those timepieces are so f-in awful that I wouldn't even give them out as Columbus Day presents. Did you know that LL recently graced the cover of Ingenue Magazine? There are so many bootyliciousistic pictures that if I posted them all at once, your computer screen would melt with hotness.

Oh LL. Did you know I love you so dang much? You make me want to sing Motley Crue songs from dusk til dawn. Especially, "Without You":
I could face a mountain
But I could never climb alone
I could start another day
But how many, just don't know
You're the reason the sun shines down
And the nights, they don't grow cold
Only you that I'll hold when I'm young
Only you...as we grow old

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Friday, May 21

Strange Birthday Bedfellows

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Summer Gettin'
Hottier By The Second

America loves the Hives and now they're returning the favor by touring with the Sahara Hotnights and the Reigning Sound, in support of their untitled new album:

7/20 - Washington, D.C. @ 9:30 Club
7/21 - New York, NY @ Irving Plaza
7/22 - New York, NY @ Irving Plaza
7/23 - Boston, MA @ Avalon
7/24 - Toronto, ON @ The Phoenix
7/25 - Detroit, MI @ Majestic Theater
7/26 - Chicago, IL @ Metro
7/28 - Denver, CO @ Ogden Theatre
7/29 - Salt Lake City, UT @ In the Venue
7/30 - Seattle, WA @ The Showbox
7/31 - Portland, OR @ The Premiere
8/1 - San Francisco, CA @ The Fillmore
8/2 - Los Angeles, CA @ TBD
8/3 - Los Angeles, CA @ TBD
8/4 - San Diego, CA @ Soma

And if that wasn't enuff, The Streets are... hitting the streets and dragging Dizzee Rascal along for 6 of the shows:

Mountain View Shoreline Amphitheater (with Dizzee Rascal) (June 11)
Los Angeles The Wiltern (with Dizzee Rascal) (12)
Seattle Nuemo's (15)
Park City Harry O's (18)
Denver Fox Theater (19)
Minneapolis Fine Line Music Cafe (21)
Chicago Metro (23)
Detroit St. Andrew's Hall (24)
Toronto Mod Club (25)
Montreal Club Soda (26)
Boston Avalon Ballroom (with Dizzee Rascal) (28)
New York City Irving Plaza (with Dizzee Rascal) (29-30)
Washington DC 9:30 Club (with Dizzee Rascal) (July 1)
Atlanta Earthlink Live (3)
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Sweating To The Moldies

- Who got 120K visitors to their site yesterday? No, not yer beloved Master o' Thighs, but some shmuck-bag claiming to be Andy Kaufman. And if yer an idiot who really bee leaves that he's alive or wastes even one minute czeching out his site, guess what, it's all an f-in hoax. I have to come clean, yer humble The Thigh Master is none other than Rasputin. I survived the cyanide poisoning, getting shot 3 times, and being thrown into a river, just so I could tell you how hot Lindsay Lohan is!! [Link via Zach de la Roachclip and Jay Manhandler]

- Which celebrity will give birth to the next Apple, Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf (as in Jason) Lee, or Audio Science (as in Shannon) Sossamon? Only one place to find out, The Celebrity Baby Blog. [Link via Seeking Irony via Gothamist]

- Remember that 30 second version of The Exorcist starring bunnies? Well, herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre's Johnny, bunny style. [Link via Popbitch]

- In space, no one can hear you poop, but NASA will recycle it for you!! Did you know that shit can be recycled and provide pure drinking water, fertilizer, and get this, electricity? At this very moment, astronaut applications are being torn up all over America. Where's cosmonaut Lance Bass when you need him? [Link via P Diddy Robbins]

- What will be the least downloaded album of all time? The David Hasselhoff hip-hop project, produced by OG Ice-T, tentatively entitled, Hassle The Hoff. Phew, yer MC name is safe for now El Hofbergo!! [Link via My Man Marvkus]

- The Office, is getting hosed by the Emmys. Who f-in cares, we all know it’s the breast show on television anywayz. But the real news is that the two specials produced for Christmas in the UK will be turned into a one-off American TV movie special. Details when available. [Link via Dicky Greenleaf]

- Recognize this uber fat guy from Varsity Blues and other movies where he played a fat guy:

Well, he had 16 plastic surgery operations, gastric bypass surgery and a procedure that removed three quarters of his stomach, and he now looks like this:

What ever happened to just eating bacon wrapped in mayo? [Link via Julia Sistahs]

- Omarosa™?

- Finally, from the "Inventions More Important Than Electricity" department:

Dial An Orgasm!!
[Gawd bless you Ambient Cruise-spanko
for this s'wonderful link]
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Thursday, May 20

Mini Movie Reviews
& Mini Muffins

Super Size Me

This review is 2 weeks overdue, but butter late than margarine. Anywho, I'm a lover of crappy food... especially shit that clogs arteries (see Places To Eat B4 U Die section). So of course I was going to see a documentary about some dude who eats the Golden Starches, 3 times a day, for 31 days. And although the doc is one giant gimmick, it's an effective piece of work. I mean, how do you eggsplain Mc Dougal's elimination of their "super-size" options soon after the movie's premiere at Sundance? If only the same thing happened with guns after Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine was released. Speaking of Moore-head, SSM's director, Morgan Spurlock (best name this side of George Hickenlooper and his subject Rodney Bingenheimer), is just like Moore, but with less of an ego and he doesn't look like a homeless guy with a hat. However, I don't see much of a future for Spurlock, unless he attempts to eat Popeyes every day for a year (I've done that 3 times already, but forgot to film it). After the flick, I started to question my own eating habits, and then about 1/2 an hour after that, I was jonesing for a 1/4 pounder. Be sure to download the hella cheesy theme song, "Super Size Me".

Stuck On You

The Good: Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear's comic abilities, Eva Mendes' boobs, Frankie Muniz in bed with Cher, and the return of Griffin Dunne!

The Bad: Cher, actress Wen Yann Shih, only 1 in every 3 jokes worked, and the Kevin Smithesque "Hey, look at all these famous people in my movie" mentality (only works in Muppet movies according to Time Were-banko).

The Ugly: Ricky Williams' cameo (work on yer game you fantasy bust), 2+ hours, the grueling final scene which I FFWDed thru, and the fact that the Farrelly Bros are essentially remaking the same movie over and over... I mean, how many stories can revolve around MASSholes?

Harvie Krumpet

Me finally got a peep of 2004's Best Animated Short Film Oscar winner from Australia. Normally I'd rather lick my own grundle hair than watch anything claymated, but I had to see this one cause it beat out the Disney/Dali collaboration, Destino for the golden guy. And you know what, it was f-in mint and 1/2 (I'm having fun with fractions!!)!! It's a dramedy, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in bacon, wrapped in plastic, and with a heart of gold. It's even narrated by super fly Aussie, Geoffrey Rush! Rush, don't walk to see this one... although I don't know where you can.

Mini Muffins

Mini Muffins rule! Thigh Master demands that you try the Banana Walnut kind.

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A Muss C
For Free!!

Over a month ago wees gots a sneak peak of what is sure to be the sleeper hit of the summer: Napoleon Dynamite (Read our review here). Anywho, if you become a member of his fan club you can catch a free screening and net a cool free t-shirt as well! Did I mention that this movie f-in rocks the cash bar and is FREE???!?!?!? The screenings are available in major and minor cities... from Albany to West Palm Beach! Czech it out peoples!!
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Bitched @ Swirth?

aka

Switched at Birth?

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Wednesday, May 19

Jodie Sweetin Low

- Most misleading headline ever: Eminem Wants to Bruise Apple. I thought for a second he wanted to harm Chris "Boring" Martin and Gwynnnie's lil baby... and after watching that "Nappies" video, I kinda wanted to too!

- Remember that virtual church we reported on last week? Well it seems that some people calling themselves "Satan", "God" and "Jesus" are spoiling all the fun for the online parishioners. The evildoers were shouting obscenities and racial slurs at people praying, which forced the "church" to close the pulpit, altar and lectern. How long will it be before the first priest/altar boy scandal is leaked?

- What happens when yer a member of a zoo, you pet a jaguar illegally, and it takes your finger as a souvenir? You get yer finger back, get barred from the zoo, and charges aren't filed. "I think he's suffered enough..."

- Ever wanted to date a fat chick, someone in debt, or anyone without any shame? Then Esquire's Brutally Honest Personals is the place for you! But hands off, Kirk White, with his "very small penis" and "excessive farting" is all mine!!!!

- Here at TWS we're big fans of the oncoming cicada invasion. But after taking a leisurely drive to Cicadaville, we're having second thoughts. Did you know that "in 1987, the last time the Cicadas emerged in Cincinnati, over 7 million people died from Cicada injections"? Or that "this year Cicadas will kill more people than snakes, spiders, scorpions, and sharks combined!" Don't worry folks, you have a better chance of dying eating at Roy Rogers than from dem noisy lil buggers. [Link via Boris Beckerz]

- Fashion has hit an all-time low: the duct tape case. Next up: WD-40 underwear. [Link via Tuna Heltz]

- Finally, the Thigh Master will admit that his Full House sleuthing skills weren't sleuthistic enuff. We forgot to dig up whatever grave Kimmy Gibbler was lying in. She aint got nothing on you Sweet-Sweetin Jodes (don't worry, she turned 22 this past January)!! [Link via Navi]
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Dirty Deeds And
They're Done Dirt Cheap

- Justin Case you live under a rock and haven't visited finer blogs than this one, here's this most whore-riffic thang I've even seen on the internet: Coldplay's ode to baby Apple & Gwynnnie's boobs, entitled "Nappies". Both Grambses the II and Retro Ruth Buzzi have likened it to the wurst Oasis song ever, "Little James". I just want to know how the roped poor George Martin into this? What a "bunch of ephing tourists" indeed! If they appear at Coachella 2005, let's throw garbage at them.

- The problem with most porno movies is that they have the most awfulliest of soundtracks. Well what if there was a movie that featured some BJs & ejaculation and was set to the sweet sounds of Franz Ferdinand, BRMC, The Dandy Warhols, and Super Furry Animals? That's what fargin' umcredible director Michael Winterbottom has in store with his Nine Songs. Now we can finally rock out with our cocks out!!

- Is there anyone dirtier than a man in love with a 17 and 5/6 year-old? Yes, this guy, Mr. Vaseline.

- Finally, if you buy your kids clothes off of Mommy's Little Monster, I will report you to The Division of Youth and Family Services, you DYFS bag!!

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Tuesday, May 18

What Jonah And
Thighs Think...

...is that everyone's missing out on de greatestist blog ever:

Bandwagon Boy
Just read his take on Troy:

Monday, May 17, 2004
I seen this AWESOME movie the other day and it is called Troy and it is one of the best movies ever made this summer! I was pissed off when I got there and founded out how it isent a movie about the awesome Troy Akeman from my Cowboys but thats alright its still good! It is awesome and has lots of killing and stabbing and other great action! It is the seqal to American Gladiater but this time they couldent afford to get Russel Crow so they got Rachels boyfriend from the Fighting Clubb and he plays this Gladiater named Troy in Romen times and he has to attack and stab a bunch of people with swords and knifes and such to be the big Hero and he ends up cutting the other teams big superstar right in the Ackillies Heel and the other guy is such a whuss that he dies! Unreal! So you can see the story is kind of dumb but who cares if the writters stink its just a movie what do you want! Cripes! The point is how it is full of action and coolness! Even the old ballandchain wanted to go and see it and she dident even pay attention to the fighting parts just the smoochy parts and she just kept shovelling in that expansive movie pop-corn and going on and on about how hot Brad Pit is and Rolando Blume and some other foreign guy and wouldent shut up thats the thanks I get for rolling out major bucks for a big hot date! Girls! Anyways the point is how this movie about this Gladiater named Troy is so great and how everone should go to watch it trust me holmes it is even better then Vanhalensing the Wherewolve movie with the dracula in it! And way better then How to be Mean to Girls which is good and has hot girls in it and I use to think it was awesome but now I know that it isent very good compared to Troy and allso there is no nakedness and I dont like Documinterys anyways! So go and see Troy's movie it RULEZ!!!

// posted by King Awesome Dawg! @ 2:51 PM

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More Dead Than The Olsen Twins' Acting Career

Rust in peace Sherry!!

Finally President Palmer/Pedro Cerrano
can get back to work!

24, its like 90210 + guns and - 90186
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Box Office Bidness
Helen Is A Ho-Bag

1. Troy $46.8 million (New) - For honor. For victory. For love. For destiny. For passion. For Troy. Fo shizzle. For Pete's f-in sake, enuff already, just go on and read our review. With mad props to and from Mr. Panty Raider!!!

2. Van Helsing - $20.7 million ($85 million) - Americans love crap. They really do! Why else do you think Friends lasted as long as it did? And its obvs to my bovs that nobody peeped our scathing review of Van Helsucks. 85 million? How could you all let this happen? Wouldn't you rather see a documentary all about inverted nipples? I would.

3. Mean Girls- $10.1 million ($55.4 million) - This will probably be the first movie since City of God that I will see twice in the theater. That's not a threat, but a promise. Who's with me? But yer pants must stay around yer ankles for the entire film. Our review be here or be square.

4. Man On Fire - $5.1 million ($64.1 million) - Dakota Fanning turns 18 in 2015. Let the dirty old man counters begin. F-in YUCK!!!!!

5. Breakin' All the Rules - $5 million (New) - We the Master o' Thighs, in order to form a more perfect union with Gabrielle Union, must eggcept the fact that Ms Hotness stars in whore-able movies.

6. 13 Going 30 - $4.1 million ($48.5 million) - If for some strange reason all the planets aligned, Lindsay Lohan's boobs turned out to be fakes, tacos became our national flower, and Andy Serkis got nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in the poopfest instead of LOTR: The Two Towers, I'd seriously consider shaving off all me grundle hair and gluing it to my face.

7. New York Minute - $3.8 million ($10.7 million) - Last week we briefly touched on Jodie "Sweet-Ass" Sweetin and Candace "Candy-Ass" Cameron. This week, we actually did a lil sleuthing and found out that Jodes is an uber-hottie, while Candace is still Kirk's sister AND is married to Pavel Bure's bro, Valeri. Next yer gonna tell me that Winnie Cooper was a math genius and now as a more budding acting career than Kevin Arnold!!

8. Laws of Attraction - $2 million ($15.3 million) - If Julianne Moore and me made babies together, they would probably look something like this (Beware people with weak stomachs).

9. Kill Bill: Volume 2 - $1.6 million ($60.8 million) - Why is Jackie Brown the most boringiest movie ever and this movie aint?

10. Envy - $1 million ($11.8 million) - Neftlix The Ben Stiller Show instead... and be sure to skip all the Skank the sock puppet bits.
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This, That, The Cat
& Papa Thigh Master!

- Searching for the ultimate LL boob pic? Search no further and click me now. As to the authenticity of the photo, Da Fake Detective (fake-detective.com) was quoted on el f.u.b.a.r., "If it's a fake, I can see no true signs of fakery." Case closed. Now we just have to find out if dem babies is real!

- The Siren Festival just got a lil louder. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, Mission Of Burma, Electric Six, Vue, and The Thermals have been added to the already stellar line-up. See you on the Boardwalk... juss stay away from me and my Nathan's corn dog farts. [Buzz right back at cha ProductChopNyc]

- Havana, Rio de Janeiro, Istanbul, and Leipzig have all been eliminated as Summer Olympic 2012 candidates. Like any of them had a friggin chance against the five final heartbeats: Paris, New York, Moscow, London, and Madrid. Note to IOC: please don't bring the Olympics to our already smelly/busy/crazy/beautiful city. Unless hot dog eating becomes an event.

- Texas has the finest instruments and education... a student dares another student into drinking chemicals. I wonder what would have happened if he just choose the "Physical Challenge"?

- Willie Hung hung high above the Backstreet Boys, Lenny "Un-Original" Kravitz, and many others as the Wango Tango On-Air Festival headliner. Seriously, when's this joke going to end? He's already surpassed his 15 minutes of fame by about 30 minutes!

- Finally, my father, Thigh Master The I, is the f-in man. Not only does he rock the beard like no other, but he always gives back to the community.

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Awful Gets More Awfulller

Tony Randall
Dead at 84

Sure we remember him best as Felix Unger, or that old dude who sired a baby at the age of 77, but when his name pops up in me head, I can only think of one thing: his Saturday Night Live appearance opposite Tom Hanks' brilliant character, "Mr Short-Term Memory."

Rest in peace daddio.
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Monday, May 17

When Things Go Wrong...

They go really wrong

[Pic via Zach de la Roachclip]

And besides being named coach of the year and being 1/2 pregnant, 1/8 lesbian, t.A.T.u. are going to star in their own cartoon movie! It's being co-produced by Japan and Russian and will be released overseas this November. This toon is going to be hottest thing on the silver screen since Kathy Bates got nekkid in About Schmidt. I've seen a lot of messed up stuff in my life since working at an animated porn factory, but there were two things I always longed to see: Jessica Rabbit naked [nudity, duh] and the dykenamic duo from t.A.T.u. get animated and then... get animated, if ya know what I mean. Gawd I'm one semi-old dirty bastard. Good thing I don't believe in Hell!

Not fluent in French Fries? Then maybe yer dumb like me (and these people) and didn't know that RSVP stood for Repondez, s'il vous plait or Revolutionary Surrealist Vandal Party.

I dabble a little bit with EA's FIFA Soccer 2004, but other than that I'm no longer a video game junkhead for the first time in my life (I was born with Atari's Combat in my blood). That all may all change once Nintendo's new handheld drops. This thang gots two screens, touch-screen input, voice recognition, and wireless communication. I bet this thang is 76 times more powerful than one of those Commodore PET Computers they stuck us with in kindergarten.

Coolest ping pong you ever did see here (Windows Media)! [Link via Hot Tuna Heltz]

If you were on death row, what would your final meal be? Mom take note cause I've had naughty thoughts about an almost 18 year-old and may go away for a few years: My final eatsings would be a 5 biscuits from Popeye's, a pecan waffle from Waffle House, bacon, Tangy Taffy, 12 funnel cakes, 2 frozen chocolate covered bananas, a Steak & Shake vanilla milkshake, and one Super Big Gulp of Cherry Coke to wash down that heart attack. Anywho, here's a site chronicling the last suppers of dead men walking. [Link via Warner Sisters]

Speaking of almost 18 year-old future wives, I should just rename my site Thighs Wide Grambo cause the King of all Media beat me to the Lohan punch once again!! Doesn't mean I aint going to post the breastest magazine cover ever since last month's issue of Juggs.

The Cover was supposed to read:
Why is Lindsay Lohan falling
in love with the Thigh Master?
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Gawd Bless El Grambo!

He's slowing becoming as Lohan obsessed as I!!
And here's the bra-less pictures to prove it:

And yep, Chris "Boring" Martin and Gwynnie "Pouty" Paltrow really did name their baby girl Apple. By the time the lil lady is ripe/18, I'll be 44, so I won't be taking a bite out of that Apple!! At least her name isn't as bad as the one some Swedish couple dubbed their son, Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbbllll6, (pronounced Albin)!!

And in other odd news, Larry Wachowski, probably all m-bare-assed by the last two awfulistic Matrix flicks, is all set to become Linda Wachowski... no, seriously!! Thanks to the Kid for the heads-up. Thigh Master OUT!!!!!!!
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Why Pay For Awful
When U Can Get
Awful 4 Free!

Live in any of the following cities: Hotlanta, Beantown, The Second City, Dallsucks, Detroit-Rock City, Smogland/LA, Neue York, Philly, San Fran, or Washington DC?

If the answer is "m'yes" and you wanna see what will be the wurst Senor Spielbergo movie ever, The Terminal, then by all means, click here!

You've got to be kidding me!
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Kibbles N' Bitzes

Justin Case ya didn't hear, Jimmy Kimmel ODed on Advil, his head ballooned, and he almost looked as awful as Courtney Hate last week:

And according to Courtney Yuck re: her arrest, "the police have a conspiracy against rock chicks" and these other fine statements.

At least neither of those pictures are quite as "m-bare-assing" (to quoth the Gid) as this guy's photo spread:

[Link via The Zach Attack]
Here, gogh ahead and waste time with this face morphing thingie. Or tell me how it is possible that Thighs Wide Shut and some blog called Eyes Wide Shut both posted an entry at the same eggzact time, 01:31:05 PM. This planet rocks. I'd never leave it... unless Lindsay Lohan did. Finally, if you didn't click on the LOTR: Two Towers Engrish subtitle link in the Troy review, here's yer second chance! Have a great week!
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Sunday, May 16

The Sopranos
WTF?

If you didn't watch this week's Sopranos, then stop reading. If you did, I'm sure you will agree it was one of the mostest boringgest, mostest bizarre ones ever... next to the one where Tony gets seduced by his dad's ole slutbag mistress who had also slept with President Taft. It was so un-umcredible, that I received a text massage during it, telling me what Jonah had thought, "Zzzzzz." He also happened to be sitting right next to me.

For about 1/2 the show, there was this longwinded dream sequence so stoopid, so surreal, that Salvador Dali couldn't even dream it up. It made less sense than all of my blog entries combined!! Tony rode a horse in his house, the father from Home Alone sang a Lionel Ritchie ditty, and he saw lots of dead people, like Big Pussy, Annabella Sciorra, and President Taft. And at one point, he was sitting at a table with Annette Bening, playing herself (altghough I wish she was playing with her self). She must be 116 years old, but she's still mad f-in hot. Warren Beatty has banged the world's best, but he found a perfect woman to grow old with. What a jerk.

Anywayz, since The Sopranos ran out of creativity 2 years ago, they have to resort in rehashing old movies scenes. During this snooze inducing dream sequence, they payed homage, more like fromage, to The Honeymooners, The Godfather, Tron, Howard the Duck, Midnight Madness, and to one of Peabs' favorites, Leonard Part 6. OK, maybe not the last four... but enuff with this crap!! With only two episodes left, I can't imagine what could happen!!! Maybe Paulie Walnuts will spill mustard on his pants!!! Oh my!! Or maybe the drugstore is out of Silvio's hair grease and he gets angry!! Look out!! Or maybe, they'll actually whack someone that's important. Somebody call me when they're done with the gimmicks. In the meanwhile, I'm going to try and stop myself from thinking dirty thoughts about Annette Bening...

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The Gods Must Be Lazy

Saturday was quite a Ruth buzzi day for the Thigh Master. I broke away from my precious computer (trust me, click here for Two Towers Engrish subtitles) and took in a day of "culture". Lettuce begin!

Troy

Before setting foot in the theater, I had (Native American) reservations about this movie. The preview didn't eggzactly entice me and for some odd reason, the font they choose rubbed me the wrong way. But I'm a sucker for BBF (Big Budget Fiascos) and men with their shirts off, so I had to see it. So before I start rambling on and on about leather aprons and Brad Pitt's a$$, lemme tell ya, this movie is worth a peep... unless you haven't seen Mean Girls or any of the other Muss C Movies of course!

Here's the basic story for you Iliad iliadiots: Orlando Bloom sweats Brendan Gleeson's bootylicious peach of a wife, Helen, so dang much that he steals her and brings her back to Troy. Orlando's bro, The Hulk, isn't too pleased as he knows this will cause a war with the Gyro-loving community. Gleeson's bro, the original Hannibal Lecter, uses this as a ploy to conquer the Trojans and their condom factory. But Dr. Lecter knows he's going to need the big guns in order to win, so he pleads with Boromir to contact his hunky friend, Brad Pitt. Anywho, shit happens and the war begins. For the rest of the movie, its basically, "Hey, you killed my nephew, I'm going to kill your grandmother." And so on and so forth. Along the way we keep getting to see Brad Pitt's thighs and half of his ass. And when he's fully clothed, looking like Michigan State's mascot, he's busy running around kicking glass and taking names. The one thing didn't make much sense to me was how they would fight, then stop and say, "OK, lets stop and fight tomorrow." What a bunch of wusseses!!

I saw this flick at one of the breastest theaters ever, the AMC Empire 25, located on the "new" 42nd Street. They have cushy seats and that fangled DLP (Digital Light Processing™) by Texas Instruments... this isn't your daddy's TI-80 folks!! Too bad the 1s and 0s (read: crappy CGI) that make up much of Troy didn't translate well with the 1s and 0s of Texas Instruments' supermachine. And I wasn't aware of this, but I happened to attend a crowd participation screening. This old woman next to me kept saying how this girl loved Brad Pitt and how Brad Pitt loved this girl. Thanks, I couldn't figure that one out meself Granny Smith and yer delicious apples!!

Here are some closing arguments on the flick:

- This is the perfect date movie: fighting for the lads, bare chested males for the broads!

- Peter O'Toole is really old.

- Brad Pitt should only play psychopaths ala 12 Monkeys and Kalifornia.

- CGI can never compensate for real people or real things. There's a reason why Cecil B DeMille and his epics were DeBomb (see his Ten Commandments).

- Eric "The Hulk" Bana has superstar potential. I always sympathize with the characters he plays and I want to feel his chest (and no, I'm not gay. My sick devotion for LL should prove that).

- In the Line of Fire is still director Wolfgang Petersen's breastest movie.

- Why did they cast some German bizatch to play Helen, when they should have picked Keira Knightley.

- Apparently it's in Orlando Bloom's contract that he must use a bow and arrow in every movie he's in. Time to branch out Bloomy!!

- You can lead a wooden horse to the people of Troy, but you can't force them to take it.

- Brian Cox (the OG Dr. Lecter) is so best! I'm glad he's having a career renaissance, cause he f-in deserves it!

- Sean Bean should really change his name to Boromir.

- Saffron Burrows has one of the most unique faces around and is so going to be the 2nd Mrs. Thigh Master.

- I'm glad I live in the 21st Century cause back then blogging would have been so borrrrrrrrrrring. Speaking of borrrring...

Art Garf Funk Un-Cool

After that 2 and 3/4 hours of pure entertainment, it was time to hit up some of the city's finest art museums. Went to check out the Whitney's annual Biennial (which means "an event that occurs every two years"). Whatever. Lemme tell ya, post-modern art blows llama cock. Just cause you put an empty pack of smokes and some liquor on a table doesn't mean it's art. Duchamp and the other dodo Dadists did that shizzle over 80 years ago and it wasn't art then either... and this is not a pipe. And what was with all the crappy video installations? I think those "artists" were former directors who couldn't get their work eggcepted by Sundance, so they make us suffer for it by including it in the exhibition. Borrrrrrrrrrring. The lone bright spot was this crazy-ass room, designed by assume vivid astro focus, that was covered from floor to ceiling with a hodgepodge of images and black-light stizzle. Good thing they had some umcredible Edward Hopper and Thomas Hart Benton pieces on the top floor, or I might have gone postal. After that, I needed a relief (more awful art puns!) from the post-modern hell my eyes took in and rolled on over the 2 year-old Austrian and German art museum, Neue Galerie.

Their collection isn't jynormous, but what they do have is rather impressive. I don't know of any other American museum that has more than five of Gustav Klimt's masterworks, but this place did! Kudos. After dat it was thyme to head on over to me final pit stop, the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum. What a bad day for art, cause besides post-modern art, my least favorite art was on display here, minimalistic garbage. Look at me, I can paint a canvas completely white! Or wow, I'm so cool, I can hang up some light bulbs!!! At least the building itself is something to marvel at... althought the exterior could use a paintjob.

Lessons learned:

- BBF (Big Budget Fiascos) aren't always awful.
- The Whitney Biennial gets wurst and wurst every year. What ever happened to artists who just painted people and objects?
- Frank Lloyd Wright was right.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Read The Label

My gal over at Gideon's Bible has handed out some super superlatives and labeled me a "blogger without conscience"!! When I enquired to Gid if that was a good thing or a bad thing, she responded with "note to self: stop getting wasted and plugging in the computer before you pass out." F-in mint!!! Anywho, yers truly was mentioned in the same breath as Uncle Grambo (pop demon), Ulttrraa Hottie (rock journalist), and Scott Stereoshizzle (unabashedly popular)!!! I'm so honored. I feel like Russell Crowe at the end of A Beautiful Mind when he's all senile and wins some fancy award.

PS- anyone know how I can score a date with Lindsay Lohan?
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Saturday, May 15

Music World Shocker!!!!
t.A.T.u. NOT Lesbians!!

Unless yer a complete moron or live on Neptune, the Russian-pop-duo sensation, t.A.T.u. are NOT lesbians!! It was all a scam to sell records. Can you f-in bee leave all that jazz? And if you don't bee leave that hype/tripe, then how did the brunette sexpot Julia Volkova get herself all pregnant and shit? I'm just mad vexed that I wasn't the communist who's the baby's daddy. In other t.A.T.u. news, their first ever full concert performance at Trump's TAJ Mahal in Hotlanitc City, NJ has been cancelled due to the sickness of one the girls. Maybe it was morning sickness, vodka disease, or some sort of Chernobyl after effect. Oh well, I guess I'll just wait until LL releases her album and tours so I can fulfill my adolescent fantasies... One final note: Did you hear that t.A.T.u., was named coach of the year!??!??! WTF?
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Bad Trend Gets Worse

First Docta Seuss checked out on us (1991), then it was Richard Scarry (1994), and now Syd Hoff has joined them both in kiddie lit heaven. Who's Syd Hoff? He was a cartoonist for The New Yorker and author of del classics, Sammy the Seal and one of me personal favorites, Danny and the Dinosaur. He died of pneumonia on May 12th at the age of 91. My childhood heroes are dropping like flies! I better move to Where The Wild Things Are before Maurice Sendak croaks next!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Friday, May 14

Dumb, Dumbo
& Dumbererist

DUMB

After a one year anniversary, paper is the traditional gift. After two, it's cotton, and apparently for a 152nd anniversary, a Lamborghini.

DUMBO

What the fudge were the Disney animators on when they came up with the "pink elephant" sequence for Dumbo? Still boggles my mind to this day like a good game of Boggle. Speaking of Boggle, you can now play in sign language!

DUMBERERIST

Not as amazing as that dumb bizatch stomping grapes, but take a peep at this [Link via Zack de la Roachclip]. And for the biggest waste of time, czech out Zombo.com (w/sound).

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Yer Daily Dosage Of LL
Open Up And Say Ahhh!

Lindsay Lohan, you make me do the craziest things, but its all in the name of love. You even forced me to watch your appearances on two of the worst talk shows ever, The View and The Ellen Degeneres Show. Thank Gawd for the TiVo though, as I don't think me eyes could have handled the other 50 minutes of diarrhea when you weren't on. Anywho, yer appearance on Ellen was so best! Not only did you look more uber-hottie-ness than yer appearance on the Today Show, but I think Ellen D was sweating you. And why shouldn't she be all over the LL? Look at these pics!!

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

What A Wonder
Bread World

Why you should never put your picture on the Internet... [Link via the Zach Attack]

"My Favourite cat is I cant decide they are all brilliant!!!!!.." [Link via Kool Moe Kyria]

Finally GoodFellas is being released properly on DVD. It'll be chock full of goodies such as commentaries with the eyebrow king and Henry Hill, and there's a lil feature about the movie's influence on today's directors, like Jon Favreau!??! Can we even call him a director? Did you see the crud that was Made?

"Paul is dead", but what the hell is Britney saying here (turn on sound)? Also, need to kill some time? Play this! [Links via Tim "F@$ker" Altie]

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Note: Justin Case you didn't know, the above picture is love actually a clickable link. It takes you to a game called "Spot The Drummer". Also, I just learned how to do this, but if you hover your cursor over the above image or most of the other images on this page, you'll get a secret message from the Thigh Master himself!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Thursday, May 13

Afternoon Wood

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Uber-hotness and future Mrs. Thigh Master, Lindsay "LL" Lohan, is all set to host this year's MTV Movie Awards, airing on June 10th. This is more boss than Hugo!!!

And for your viewing pleasure, here's a picture of the supergal who's obvs having the best year evs:

She put the "rocks"
in "LL Rocks"
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PCP (Pants-Colas-Phones)

Pants

If yer a resident of Baton Rouge, Loosey-anna, and wear long-ass shorts, your days are numbered. Looks like the lo-cal gov-mint is trying to put a "lowrider" law into affect that will help deter crime. Let the kids be, you rajun-ass cajuns! It should be a crime to let men wear short shorts! [Link via Big Worm]

Cola

What are the chances that a Chinese cola could dethrone both Coke and Pepsi in the grand ole US of Ass? Slim to f-in about as much cock as a nun sees. This may be the wurst venture in the food & beverage industry since Virgin Cola and Ali G's ice cream glove hit our shores. But that won't stop the company Wahaha (not to be confused with superfly convenient store, Wawa) from trying. And what's the name of this futuristic cola? Why, Future Cola of course! And if this shiz does catch on, here's a list of other drinks they could pimp: Duck Sauce Orange Soda, Kikkoman Root Beer, and MSGreen Tea.

Phones

If you were ever jonesing for a website all about payphones, you're prayers have been answered. [Link via Tim "F$%ker" Altie]

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Forty-Niner Fo Life

Did you know that when I had my mustache, I traveled back in time and became a California gold prospector? I'm really happy to be back to the future, but sometimes I get a lil misty thinking about all the sasparilla I drank and the dirty whores I came to know and came in.

PS- I'm really not that scary looking in real life. I no longer have that 'stache, that isn't even my hat, and I only make that grizzly face when Lindsay Lohan doesn't return my phone calls.
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Return Of The Hotstepper

Want to know if you're going to end up in heaven or hell? Let Mike Seaver/Kirk Cameron be your guide on this really tough quiz. [Link via Popbitch] I knew I wasn't in good shape when the first question asked by Mike/Kirk was, "Are You A Christian? Yes or No?" Mike/Kirk, what happened to you? One minute you were chilling with Boner Stabone and the next, you became a nutball and starred in some of the crappiest movies ever.

While wees on the hot topic of nutball religious garbage, seems the only way to get nia peoples attention these daze is thru the intranet. Latest example: the virtual church. Look at the picture on the left. Isn't the year be 2004 peoples? Those 3-D graphics look more le ghetro than the Dire Straits' video for "Money For Nothing".

Is anything more sexier than a hammer banging some nails? Or maybe a screwdriver and some wood? Playboy seems to think so. Coming soon, all over your hands, please welcome The Home Depot Hotties.

Beating off to Playboy... er, um, I mean, speaking of Playboy, is it possible that Britney Spears accepted a $40 million ducket payday from Hef to pose nude? Check out this photo and decide for yo self. [Link 1nce again via Popbitch] And which Amsterdam coffeeshop does the aforementioned woolly mammoth popstar, her hobo boyfriend, and tons of clueless tourists flock to? The Bulldog, obvs! But all the cool kids in the know know that Barney's be the place to be for all yer Al Greens and killer breakfast needz.

Last on the docket is the dumbestist story about a mannequin since Mannequin (2): On the Move. A Wess-con-son cheesehead alderman is a little too attached to his handless mannequin. Seems that the Mayor opened the alderman's office without his knowledge and let a lo-cal newspaper photographer snap a foto of his beloved 'quin Madeline. When the aldie found out, he was none too pleased. I smell a comeback for Meshach Taylor.
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Wednesday, May 12

What The F@#k Is
Wrong With This World?

You may really want to see the video of Nick Berg's decapitation, but trust me, you really don't. It's f$%king disgusting. But if you do, click here. Link via UltraHottttie.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Kicking It Cicada Stiz-yle

You really bug me
As previously reported on TWS here and here, the DC area, the rest of the Mid-Atlantic, and parts of the Midwest will soon be swarming with a shiite-load of annoying bugs called CICADAS. It's enuff to make you want to be in doors and enuff to make my favorite columnist ever, Tony "TK Stack Money" Kornheiser, write his best piece in ages. TK likens the cicada noise as something even worse than listening to William Hung and Fran Drescher croon, "Endless Love." And of course area bidnessesses are trying to cash in on what is being called Cicada Buzz (Dearest Uncle Grambo would be proud). So why am I going home for Memorial Day again?
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

The Long Delayed
Mean Girls Review

It's quite hard to pinpoint when my obsession with Lindsay Lohan began. I never caught her stint on Another World or peeped her double take in the Parent Trap remake. But she was only a tot, not 17, going on legal. I guess my LL infatuation was born out of my weakness for body-switching movies (Vice Versa, Like Father, Like Son, et al). That’s what dragged me and my LL accomplice, Megbot, to the theaters to see Freaky Friday. I was not blown away by the witty dialog, but by the precocious (my favorite word) girl who swapped bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis (lettuce not even explore the whole hermaphrodite thing peoples!). I was awestrucked, moonstrucked, thunderstruck, and monstertrucked by her uber-awesomeness. As I walked out of the theater, I knew my life had changed forever. Too bad that my epiphany occurred BTME (Before Thigh Master Era). The very first mention of LL on this site was in the first ever Box Office Bidness report. I had claimed that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen was the "Best Lindsay Lohan movie of 2004". Well, that statement isn't true anymore cause Mean Girls is the best Lindsay Lohan movie EVER. Forever ever? Well, it's mos def no Citizen Kane, but its mos certainly not Raising Cain.

I would have seen it opening day, camped out even, but partying like a rockstar in the desert took precedence. I was still a walking zombie after all the funnel cake dust settled, but nothing was going to stop my destiny of seeing this movie. I assembled a so shady crew of 6 (including myself) to see this wet dream on screen. Two of the posse, Megbot and Kid Kadoji, dropped out due to being a bunch of ninnies. That left yer humble Thigh Master, the Pak-Man, Levitticus, and The Thinker to be a bunch of perverts. This flick turned out to be part one of my "Night That Will Live In Infamous". It was also the same very night as the Friends series finale. Like I give massive-two-shits whether or not Chandler ends up owning a Starbucks, or if Rachel falls in love with an amoeba, or Ross fulfilling his dream of meeting a black person on the show. With this must see TV event on, that left the theater virtually empty. Gawd bless the death of the modern sitcom! Note: The Thigh Master is hella ghetro and never pays for treats at the movies. I go to a CVS or a Rite Aid beforehand and load up on Milk Duds, Twiz-nizzlers, and a huge bottle o' water. For this movie, I was triple-prepared. I bought along some Lubriderm, Kleenex, condoms, sunglasses, and a raincoat.

Before the picture started, we were treated to a slew of horrid movie previews. They were so un-um-credible that they deserved their own posting. Anywho, on with the show!!

I'm a little bit biased here cause I love Lohan more than I love my lefthand, but Mean Girls is a MUSS C MOVIE. I aint margo kidding here folks!!! This is the first movie that perfectly employs LL's monster acting chops, comic timing, and bodacious body all into one nice package. If you want to know the plot, go see the movie. All you need to know is that this movie ROCKS, even more than LL's website. And it's not just LL's hot bod on display here. We got the hot chick from The Hot Chick, that lil girl from Party of Five that aint so little any mo, and some ditzy blonde newcumer. With my pants around my ankles for much of the flick, it was rather hard to reach for the Kleenex AND the Milk Duds at the same time. So little time, so much on my mind and so much in my hands. Eeeeeesh, I'm started to scare meself.

This is one of the best teen movies in a long-ass time. And I've seen a boat load of em. It was a realistic take on high school life. Not some candy-coated crap on a stick like Rachel Leigh Cook turning from an "ugly nerdy girl" to Freddieeddeee Prinnznzze Jr's dreamgirl in She's All That. SNL is an hour and a 1/2 of Clockwork Orange torture, but Tina Fey's script shined. It shined so much that even the hopeless Tim Meadows rocked! That is the first time I have ever made that statement. This is Tim Meadows we're talking bout for crying out loud!!! The supporting cast was fantabulous and the costume changes were to die for. The only real negative aspect of the entire film was when lots of water gots dumped on the girls and the director didn't allot enuff wet t-shirt screen time... unlike Kirsten Yum in Spidey 1. Enuff of this review. Just go see this movie NOW. And if my review wasn't enuff to get the masses off der assesses, then maybe these pictures will convince you:

Lohan reading,
so f-in HOT

Lettuce kiss &
wear make-up

Want to touch
my wood?

With a rebel yell I cried,
"Lo, Lo, Lohan!"

How do I transfer
to this school?

LL is so naughty,
yet so nice

I wanna get my Santa paws
all over these liz-adies
Lindsay Lohan. Who are you and where did you come from? Is your daddy a thief? Well then who stole the stars from the sky above and put them in your eyes? Does the tag on your shirt read "Made In Heaven"? More importantly, will you marry me sweet cheeks? I know you'll never read this, but maybe someone could kindly pass along this posting to her peoples.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Tuesday, May 11

The Breastestest News!!

FOLKS!!!! My boy Jewish Christian has passed along the greatest news since the announcement of the Sledge Hammer DVDs:

Is Headed EAST!!!
Plans are underway to open up franchises in Georgia, Illinois, Kansas, Louisiana, Michigan, Missouri, New Jersey, New York, Nevada, North Carolina, Ohio, South Carolina, Texas, Virginia, Washington D.C., and West Virginia!! Word on the streets sez that one in Jersey City is opening in July!! Now I have no reason to ever go back to California (cept for me pals, Bert, Roscoe's, and Coachella)!!! Peace out McThrowUp! Laters Wendiarrhea! See you on the flipside Burger Queef! Fatburger for now and Fatburger forever!!

My breakfast, lunch, and dinner
until I die... of a heart attack

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Don't Click On Me

Want to lose your lunch like I just did? Then DON'T click on this link. Thanks, er, no thanks to Julie-ah!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Bestest Dog Ever

As mentioned in Coachella Hellz Yealla So Much To Tella Lets Spread On The Nutella Part I, the coolest dog in the world lives next to Queen Letifah:

BERT!!

Bert rocks. Not only cause he's droopy, breathes louder than me, has an inverted eyelid, eats pigs ears, and lives with two of the nicest peoples evs (Perry & Julia), but because he's a crazy diehard Redskins fan. And what superpet wouldn't be? Bert is also so mad crazy famous that they named the chili at Waffle House in his honor. Big mudder f-in thanks to P & J for the pics!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

The Good, The Bad,
And The Fugly

The Good

Baby u can drive me car
You can't stop the LL train. She is in negoations to star in a film called Love and Death at Terrington Prep alongside The O.C.'s Adam Brody. Hopefully there won't be much studying going on. But that flick won't start filiming until LL's done resurrecting Disney's dead Herbie the Love Bug franchise.

The Bad

Bowties, the new botox
Anyone catch the "Power Players" edition of Jeopardy last night? It f-in rocked!! Bob Woodward and some bizzle Republican speech writer couldn't beat out Tucker Carlson and his bowtie. Oh Tucker Carlson!! You are one cocky prick, but you somehow pull off the whole bowtie thing... Especially when bowtie wearing is at an all time low. Props to you TC, my father occasionally, and all other famous people who rock the bowtie!

The Fugly

Still gets no respect
Cedric the Entertainer has just signed on for a remake of Rodney Dangerfield's masterpiece, Back to School. Why God, why? Are you there God? It's me, Thigh Master. Can you please stop Cedric from being so entertaining and basically rehashing all the 80's comedies? First it was the whole Chevy Chase/Vacation thang, now Rodney D's tripple lindy, and what's next? Cedric and Steve Harvey as The Blues Brothers? Maybe they can get Gus Van Sant to direct it!
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Monday, May 10

Before & AFTRA

Remember this guy?

Yep, he's the one who hijacked my blog two weekends ago.

Ever since I've regained control, he has gone
completely bonkers and now looks like this:

Lesson to be learned:
Do not babysit anyone's blog
or this could happen to you!
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Box Office Bidness
Attack of the Tweens

LL, bursting with natural talent
1. Van Helsing - $54.2 million (New) - Me and the Kid Kadoji caught a sneak preview a couple of weeks back and had only two words to describe it: Van Helsucks. Don't trust me? Trust the kid and his review (don't click if you're epilictic)

2. Mean Girls- $14 million ($42.4 million) - The one week I skip my Box Office Bidness duties and my queen of cream, LL, rules them all. I knew she had the stuff of superstardom and this just proves it. See you later Duff, Bynes, Olsen Twits, and all you other 8th-rate Tweens, this is LL's kingdom and I am her king. Before I keep rambling on and on about how amazingly umcredible she is and looks, I'll stop and save those comments for the long-awaited full review. Coming soon, I pinky swear.

3. Man On Fire - $7.9 million ($56 million) - Take this MythBusters: that rumor about Christopher Walken's first ever kissing scene in Sleepy Hollow is more bunk than a bunk bed. He already landed some smooches in both The Deer Hunter and The Dead Zone.

Stay in the dumpster where you two belong!
4. New York Minute - $6.2 million (New) - Sure, the Olsen twits can peddle zillions of straight-to-video videos to the masses, but I guess they can't bring those home viewers into the theaters. This movie bombing is a good thing peoples. This will ensure that there won't ever be a big-screen version of Full House... much to the dismay of Dave Coulier, Candace Cameron, and Jodie Sweetin. Go back to VHS land scary-ass evil twins, the movies are Lohan's stomping grounds.

5. 13 Going 30 - $5.5 million ($42.6 million) - Skip this poop-a-thon and rent director Gary Winick's mo better coming of age movie, Tadpole.

I think I may have a thing for
redheads... and boobs
6. Laws of Attraction - $3.5 million ($11.9 million) - I hate romantic comedies. I loathe romantic comedies. I love Julianne Moore. I detest romantic comedies. And how are we to trust a director who unleashed both Johnny English and AntiTrust onto the world? Did he honestly think that trapping Ryan Phillippppeppeppepe in Duplo blocks was something ingenious?

7. Kill Bill: Volume 2 - $3 million ($57.8 million) - Of course this movie rocks, Lucy Liu's character was dead.

8. Godsend $2.7 million ($11.3 million) - Child dies and is reborn by techmology. Shit goes wrong. Sounds a lot like A.I., sans Jude Law hottie robot.

9. Envy - $2.6 million ($10.1 million) - This movie was pushed back so many times that it gave Twinkie's shelf-life record a run for its money.

10. The Punisher - $1.2 million ($32.1 million) - Thomas James and Patricia Arquette's daughter is named Harlow Olivia Calliope. Good thing my parents weren't famous, although my original middle name was Ira. Eeeeeeesh!
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Sir Links A Snot

Finally, she can get laid.
OK, enuff with the 14 page reviews on what color my dumps were. Here are some Qwik and E-Z links for your pleasure and at your leisure...

- Where do guys with tatts search for tits? Why InkDate.com, o' course! Hope the ladies love leather, mustaches, and Harley Davidsons!

Hey robo-bitch, go pick up
my dry cleaning on Neptune.

- When we finally put men on Mars, who's going to build all of the Starbuckseses? Why Robonaut o' course! That is until he goes AWOL like HAL 9000 or dances to the Bee Gees like Johnny Five.

V8 need not lose sleep
over this pretender.

- What's the worst use of the #8? Why, Invigor8 o' course! I wouldn't drink that even if tuna juice was my only other choice.

He was always the
hairiest of the Balzacs.
- First we used to check out books for free at public libraries. Now we just sit and read them for free at Barnes & Noble while sipping on crappucinos. So what's the next step in the evolution of free reading? Why, the free online library that is Read Print o' course. Only public domain stuff, so you Danielle Steel and Where's Waldo fanatics will have to wait. But if yer just passing Thoreau, inbeTwain jobs, yer Balzac is itching, or want to Checkov instead of jackoff, then yer made in the shade, but not Maid In Manhattan.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

If You’re Going To
San Francisco...

...be sure to wear some flowers in your hair and go to this:

Beastie Boys
The Strokes
The Streets
Dizzee Razcal
Rapture
Death Cab For Cutie
The Stills
Violent Femmes
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
and many more!!
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LL Hot J

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lindsay Lohan
You make me want to sp#$
- Lord Palan

Uncle Grambs passed along this fine photo of me (my leg is in the background) and LL on our vacation... which just so happened to be photographed for Vanity Fair mag.

And I'm a lil weary of promoting these links, but the ever-so-dirty folks over at f.u.b.a.r. have found some semi-areola pics of LL, here and here. Besides hot and bothered, those pics made me feel a lil too filthy. Maybe come her 18th b-day, on July 2nd, I'll be singing a different tune. Clothed or not, LL is so crazy/beautiful. Heads up provided by My Man Marvkus.
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Sunday, May 9

Coachella
Hellz Yealla
So Much To Tella
Lets Spread On The Nutella
Final Battle

Sorry it has taken me so long to finish this woolly mammoth recap of my Coachella days. But I figure the week anniversary of my final day in paradise would suffice. Plus I have the added pressure to top myself (with whipped cream) after dearest Uncle Grambo’s gracious comments about Part II’s review. At least my wicked Uncle Ernie had nothing to say. And without further Freddy Adu, you won’t shout as I fiddle about, fiddle about, fiddle about…

Sunday May 2nd

Me after day one
After day one, I was covered in hipster crud and the aforementioned funnel cake powdered sugar, burned by the sun (not the website mind you!), and apparently sleeping with my eyes open. When I woke up on Sunday morning, I didn’t have much time to reflect on the previous day’s events cause the sweet Al Greens haze had completely clouded my brain. I couldn’t even think about which pair of Calvin Klein’s to wear on my behind (and as Run DMC would say, “he aint no friend of mine.”). I was so lazy the night before that I slept in my own filth like Pigpen of Peanuts fame. The shower I took that morning felt like a baptism. I hadn’t seen so much black stuff come off my body since that time I wrestled a dwarf in a giant ashtray. OK, that didn’t happen, but sometimes I wish it did.

Raffi would have been a
better choice than Beck
Anywho, since me and the liz-adies had no interest in the early bands and wanted to avoid the center of our solar system for as much of the day as possible, we went driving around the Palm Spring area. I can’t imagine living out there. It’s filled with old people, country clubs, and the occasional cluster of strip malls. On the other hand, it did have booty cheap smokes, umcredible weather, and the best scenic views this side of Pittsburgh. After driving around this town and letting the cops chase us around (I’ll never quote the Gin Blossoms again, I promise), we stopped off at Ruby’s Diner. The girls were itching for breakfast, but it was past noon and I told em to deal with it or I’d leave them out in the desert, deserted, with no dessert. Then I was informed by Megbot that she really didn’t want to wear jeans in 105+ weather, which I questioned in the first place, and that we had to go back to the Ghettotel 6 so she could change. After some riff and raff and tunes by children’s music phenom, Raffi, we were finally off to the shiz-ho.

Turns out the only band we really missed was Pretty Girls Make Graves (one of the coolest names for a band, unlike Death Cab For Cutie… wtf is a Death Cab and who the fuck is Cutie?). I think I’ll live cause they’ll be in NY sometime playing for chump change in a tiny venue. But enuff about NY, we’re living it up Cali-fradgie-listic-docious-booty-titty-caca style. The bands playing at the time of our arrival were not that stellar or even stellastar* (they played the day before and I avoided them like SARS). We decided to check out the dumb free shit that we didn’t have time to explore on the jam packed day before. They have these crazy rides made out of old bikes. One is merry-go-round, another is a lawn-mower-type-thang, and another was a two-man Ferris Wheel. Megbot and Curious George’s mum got to ride it and likened it to that feeling of the 1st drop on a roller coaster. I was so jazzed to ride the ride meself until the ride’s operator informed me that I needed to find someone who weighed 20 lbs lower or higher than me. Well since all the obese people were obvs in line for funnel cake, I was left standing there with my cock in my hand.

I'll bet you fitty bucks
that The Thrills play
The OC's prom next year
The first band we took a long peep at was Muse. I never knew much about them cept that all the NYChipsters go gaga for them like Sonny going coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, and 14 year olds going spew-spew for Hilary Muff. They sounded fab, but seeing them once was enuff for me. A-Muse-ing, but not my kind of Muse-ic. After dat, it was off to the smelly tent to see one of my new favoritish bands, The Thrills. Side note: why did they schedule superfly bands to play in a smelly tent? Get some of the crumb-bums off the two main stages (like Thursday and the (International (house of)) Noise Conspiracy) and replace them with the goodness that are the bands I think highly of. Enuff complaining cause The Thrills, they thrilled!!! They hail from Ireland (cept I kept telling people they were from Scotland), and sound like Brian Wilson, Grandaddy, and The Charlatans UK all rolled into one breezy-Cali funfest. These guys have a bright future and not just cause the have a “The” in their name. The big advantage to seeing los Thrills at Coachella is that their set time is limited, and since they only have one album, we pretty much got to hear all of it. They ran thru their oeuvre with the all the bases covered: “One Horse Town”, “Big Sur”, and what could pass as the theme song to The OC, “Santa Cruz (You're Not That Far). Mmmmm, SoCal rock made by Irish people.

How Goldenvoice does
it's band research
It was feeding time once again. I can’t go too long without junk food or I'll start twitching. I was all set to have like 17 frozen chocolate covered banananananas, but sadly they were already sold out of em!! Note to Goldenvoice (the peeps behind the concert): next year overstock on the frozen c.c.b.’s cause the Thigh Master demands it. I settled for my second funnel cake in as many days and a pina colada smoothie… so Nathan Lane-ish, but c’mon, I’m hanging out with two fly liz-adies. After the munch a bunches, it was off to see Belle & Seboring. On the way over, I heard a familiar tune echoing out of one of the smelly tents (no, not the one Beck left a musical diarrhea in). I couldn’t place it at first, but then realized it was the Cooper Temple Clause playing “Promises Promises”, which is included on the soundtrack to my most belovedededed video game of the moment, EA Sports’ FIFA Soccer 2004. Come to think of it, many of the artists who lended a tune to the game were also at Coachella (Radiohead, Junior Senior, and Paul Van Dyk). So if you want to get a jumpstart on the bands for Coachella 2005, wait till FIFA 2005 is released this fall. Annie ways, back to Belle, Bovs, and Sebastian. I caught them at 2002’s Coachella and was as unimpressed then as I was on this day. Their sound is tight like Kate Beckinsale in Transylvanian leather, but the music doesn’t do shit for me. I need fast, hard, and loud. Think White Stripes, not Yeah Yeah Hellz-No. Peeped a lil Sparta, and that’s about all I want to comment on that topic.

Who wouldn't buy a
phone from dat ass?
Around this time, my T-Mobile phone actually started functioning. My faith in Catherine-Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur and her phone pimping abilities were restored. I finally got a text message thru to the Zeus of the blogosphere, Uncle Grambo. We picked a place to meet right before Air was to take center stage. Good thing I was stalking Doc Grambo online for months leading up to this day and found some pictures of him (which hang in my locker), cause otherwise I wouldn’t be able to pick him out of the crowd o’ hipsterinos. With the liz-adies in tow, I approached the man and simply asked, “Mark?” He replied with, “Mike?” Phew, that was a close one. He turned to a fair-haired gent standing next to him and said, “Peabs, it’s the Thigh Master.” Woooh. This was too much for me. Mees gots to meet the gregarious Grambo AND the passion of the Peabs (+ guest appearances by Dirty and their babes) in a span of 43 seconds?!?!? God blesseth that Al Gore invention, the internet. A week ago we were email pen pals and today we’re humping each other’s legs! We broke into simple chit chat, praising each other’s cocks and blogs, discussing Lohan’s thighs, and then me got all geeky on both of em an asked for a picture of the three of us. (Curious George’s mum has the photos, so when I get em, you’ll see em.) I muss say, I never heard the words “obvs”, “bovs”, and “schmobvs” used so much in conversation since The Uncle Grambo & Peabs’ Kwanzaa Spectacular that aired on QVC last winter. With my drooling subsiding, it was time to stop humping each other’s respective legs, go our separate ways, and catch some Air. Not the shit you breathe, but the breastest band of the past 6 years. So I missed Dizzee Rascal’s tent song and dance, but big whoomp there it is, I got to meet the Detroit Rock City crew. So best!

Air, the greatest French
thing since the LeCar
The Thigh Master and Megbot AIRed it out in mid-April, but I was ready for an encore. I couldn’t have pictured a better setting to see Air: al fresco, al dente, the sun was setting behind the purple mountains, and my swamp-ass was finally beginning to cool down. The lights went up and the French duo worked their magic. For those who had never heard of them, they would walk away from this night as Air fanatics. Sorta like when Pak-Man walked out of Mean Girls and wanted to lick LL’s toes (more on that in the full LL MG review to be posted sometime this year). They started off with some slow stuff like “Run”, but quickly picked up the pace with rousing renditions of “Sexy Boy” and “Kelly Watch the Stars”. Side note part IIXXCCML: who was the genius who allotted only 50 minutes of AIRtime? They should have played for 6 straight hours. Their sweet sounds make me want to be French. They make me want to get in my LeCar with my LeBag and le bang Ludivine Sagnier. Anyjew, Air didn’t play their new breast song ever, “Cherry Blossom Girl” and apparently still have no love for playing tunes off their Kid A-esque masterpiece, 10,000Hz Legend. Even with Beck in town, they didn’t attempt to play “Vagabond”. But after Beck’s pepto-A-Bismol Saturday performance, he would have ruined everything (think USA in Iraq). After they announced that they had only one song remaining, I wasn’t too worried cause they picked one of their longest and one of the most soothing songs to end their set, “Femme d'Argent”. Good info: if you’re ever in a bar and you want to maximize your jukebox monies, play the longest songs you know and can tolerate. “Femme d'Argent” is a perfect choice and “Born Slippery” by Underworld off the Trainspotting soundtrack aint no slouch either. Post script: go buy all of Air’s albums, NOW.

We then took an extended bathroom break, which was conveniently located next to the stage where BRMC (BlackDildoMotorcycleClub) were performing. I don’t think the outdoor confines were suited for the roaring noise that is BRMC’s music. Plus I’ve sorta been there done that with them. On their first album they asked “Whatever Happened To My Rock'N'Roll?” Well, they say if it aint baroque, then don’t fix it. But after hearing their second album, which sounded a lot like their first, I had to ask the question, whatever happened to branching out musically (see Moby’s 18 and the Strokes’ latest)?

I don't think Wayne Coyne got a lot of attention as a child
Then it was time for some Flaming Lip service. I saw them open for Beck twice, before he was so f-in Beck, and lemme tell you, los Lips put on one phenomenal live show. The music sounds perfect, there’s people dancing in plushie outfits, and Wayne Coyne lets the crowd know how much he loves himself. After a delayed beginning, Wayne came out and explained to the crowd that he was up to something special and hence the delay. But none of us were ready for what happened next. They opened with the crowd pleasing “Race For the Prize”, as Mr. Coyne inserted himself into a giant plastic bubble (sorta like John Travolta or Jake Gyllenhaal) and walked into the crowd. That was so f-in mint. But then Coyne-head talked and talked and talked us away from the stage. We’d had enuff. Seems like we didn’t miss much either as they only played a total of 5 or so songs. I’ll catch em at Lollapaloser, where such hijinks will be toned down.

Corn dogs: one of the four food groups of a fat person
My stomach said no, but my brain said corn dogs!! It’s Coachella, so anything goes. Ask yourself this, when was the last time you had a good ole corn dog? I bet it’s been ages, right? Well the next time you see a corn dog stand at the beach, and amusement park, or after watching an egomaniac climb into a giant bubble, stop and order yerself up one of nature’s finest treats. Aaaaaaaaah. If only the Atkins diet consisted of funnel cakes and corn dogs!

Next on the nights docket was Basement Jaxx. The only time I saw them was their free Central Park show a few years back and I had to listen to them outside of the venue. So I pleaded to the liz-adies that we had to watch their entire set. Plus the four seconds of Mogwai that we saw wasn’t enuff to keep us at the smelly tent. Sure the Jaxx are just two guys, but when they travel, they bring the whole gang with em: a band, a soul diva, and dancing monkeys (not real ones, just men in monkey suits… no, not dress suits, but actual monkey suits.). Unlike some bands I know, the Jaxx dipped into each of their albums to keep the hipsters toe tapping from the first song to the last one. And as predicted by the Thigh Master himself, the Jaxx imported Dizzee Rascal for a magnificent live version of their collaboration, “Lucky Star”. The crowd was thin that we moseyed on up to the front of the stage. It was “Where’s Your Head At?” time. So f-in manic. Even more manic than The Bangles’ “Manic Monday”. Everyone was jumping up and down and all around. Then I asked myself, where was my head at, cause we could have been standing right by the stage for all of the Jaxx’s set.

Huey can't handle the
loudness that is LeTigre
Thanks for reading this far folks! I’ll buy you one White Castle burger the next time I see you if you did. So in the best interest of my beauty sleep and your interest in this article, here’s a qwik attempt to wrap up the rest of the night’s proceedings. I aint a The Cure fan and after listening to their soft-goth melodies, I still aint a The Cure fan. It was expected boringness, unlike Beck who should be umcredible every time out. We den moved on over to see Le Tigre with much anticipation. Couldn’t get too glen close to the stage cause as Huey Lewis said in Back to the Future, “I’m afraid you’re just too darn loud.” I mean, we could have been 2 miles away from the stage and STILL heard them crystal clearly. Next time I see them, I hope the sound is crystal light. They rocked though. Screaming chicks with thumping beats, a deadly duo. I hope their adventures in major labeldom lead them to stardom. With time winding down we rushed over to the dance tent/ecstasy den to catch Paul Van Dyk. Then off to see Ash in the smelly tent. I felt bad cause there was only about 50 people there and I don’t even think that’s an exaggerated head count. For their final song and my final Coachella song, they played the eggsalad, “Burn Baby Burn”. The show was basically over, cept for The Cure kept boring the legions of fans. So on and so forth, we rushed back to LA Monday morn and I was NY bound (Big Fish and Megbot were the in-flight entertainment). The new cab fare hike went into affect the day I came back and my ride back to Upper Siberia, Manhattan cost $49, not including tip. Death to cab fare hikes, cutie!!

First Annual Thighs Wide Shut Coachella Awards

Best Day:
Day 2

Best Performance:
Basement Jaxx

Biased Second Best Performance:
Air

So F-in Beck:
Beck

Gawd Bless The Early 90’s:
The Pixies

Mostest Boringingest:
any band that plays slow or fluffy music
(Cure, Beck, Belle & Seboring)

Worst Scheduling of Amazing Bands Back To Back To Back:
Day Two from 7:30 ‘til midnight

My New Favorite Band:
The Black Keys

How Many “The” Bands:
8

Are They The Same Band?:
stellastar* and Whitestarr

Pissed I Missed:
Pretty Girls Make Graves, Danger Mouse, more
of Junior Senior, and comrade Shady Harrison

Best Junk Food:
(three way tie! would have been 4, but I didn't go churro crazy this year)
funnel cakes, corn dogs, and frozen chocolate covered banananananas

Worst Thang About Coachella:
missing LL rock on SNL

Who Should Be There In 2005:
everyone I missed in 2003 (Ladytron, Primal Scream, White Stripes, Polyphonic Spree) + The Raveonettes, Franz Ferdinand, OutKast, Supergrass, The The (the ultimate "The" named band), Neil Diamond,
and of course, Lindsay Lohan
See you in 2005 bizatches. The churros are on me.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

At Last!!!

"Congrats o' Master o' Thighs!
Wanna go get a
funnel cake with us?"
- LL & Mischa
Thighs Wide Shut has finally reached its first major milestone. Go to Google, type THIGHS WIDE SHUT (with or without quotes) and then hit "I'm Feeling Lucky". Everytime you do this, you will automatically go directly to this super amazing site, which you are already enjoying. That means TWS is the #1 Thighs Wide Shutter around. Move over lame-o Salon.com article and whatever the hell this is, West Coast Swing Dancing, cause the Thigh Master is here to stay!! This is my domain biz-acthes. Big ups, mad props, and many a thanks to YOU, my dear readers, for making this momentous occasion a reality. Next stop: "Getting Lucky" with Lindsay Lohan and/or Mischa Barton.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Mappy Hother's Day

If you are a person, that means you have a mother. (I call mine mumsy, but that's none of your bees wax.) So be sure to send your love and kisses to the one that kept you inside of her for 9 months while eating nothing but pickles.

Me love you mumsy!!!

PS- It's also el Hofbergo's b-day. Hip-hop HOORAY!!! Me love you el Hofbergo!!

PS2- Donald Rumsfeld, eat a dick!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Saturday, May 8

A Night That Will Live
In Infamous
Addendum

This sign is more truthful
than your government
After the 'nettes show (see entry below), I had one final mission before I passed out, and would eventually end up oversleeping til 9:50 am the next day. I was to supply the bagels for mumsy and her Mumsy's Day brunch back home. Cause there be no way after being a 5-year NYC native that I would bother to eat a Maryland bagel. So there be only one logical place to purchase the Jewish manna of kings, H & H Bagels. These bagels are the stuff of legends, myths, lore, and blogs. I plum forgot to even add it to the Magna Carta of food, the P.T.E.B4.U.D. (Places To Eat B4 U Die) list. And when I stumbled in the joint 'round 1 am, they's was still taking them out of the oven. I asked for a baker's dozen and a baker's dozen I gots. The plain 'gels were so steaming hot that they whispered to me that I should eat them. I complied. Shit was so good, it be like tasting pretzels sans the chunky salt. The bagels are so f-in huge, that they took up the majority of space in my luggage and made my clothes smell like onions. But when I see the smiles on the faces of mi familia, it'll all be worth it. Note: I did not bother buying cream cheese and lox as I'd rather have my clothes smell like garlic than milk and fish.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

A Night That Will Live
In Infamous

Thursday night was so fetch. One amazing movie and one bliz-zazing concert. If only every night of my path-ethic life could be like this. OK, throw in some HJs & BJs, maybe a lil bowling, and then yer talking! My eyes hadn't peeped so much beauty since last weekend's trek to Coatcheka, Cali. My pants were around my ankles for most of the night (in preparation for No Pants Day), cause I was watching two of the most gorge-yus liz-adies do their thang. Imagine watching Lindsay Lohan ROCK out on the big screen for a good hour and thirty-seven minutes and then meself riz-ocking out to the hot bod and sweet sounds of Sharin Foo and the Raveonettes, all in one magical evening. I priz-ohm-is, a full review of Mean Girls (...and Coachella Part III) will be posted haste, but I think I need to start 15 new blogs just to have enuff space to write my treatise on LL's latest opus. In the meantime, here's the deli-yo on the Raisinets show:

The Raveonettes
Thursday, May 6th - Bowery Ballroom

If Buddy were alive
today, he'd tell the
'nettes to "Rave On".
If you've never seen a show at the Bowery Ballroom, you really haven't lived. It's gots to be one of these finest venues in the country. Not only is it tiny and you can get really close to Meg White's splendidilicious boobies, but there's tons of bubbalicious hipster chicks who rock out with their... rocks out. I've seen all sorts of shiite there: Blur, The Hives, and even Huey Lewis & The News (which was 1/2 umcredible and 6/7 snoozefest). Anywho, the Raveonettes raved on this night, like Buddy Holly being swallowed up by BlackDildoMotorcycleClub's roaring g-tars. In today's overproduced music scene, it's refreshing when a band can reproduce their signature sound live. This is the case here. It's an open and shut case. Anyone know where I can find Justin Case? Case closed.

Who conned the Fonz
into directing this?
Sorta like the Black Keys, the Raveonettes aren't eggzactly original, but they sure beat crap on a stick like not so thin Lizzie Mark McAguirre. The 'nettes only have an album and 1/2 worth of material, but they gave it their all throughout the hour-long set... unlike Cop And A Half, which was thirty-seven minutes longer. They kicked through continents and ripped through all the hits: "That Great Live Sound", "Attack of the Ghost Riders", "Do You Believe Her ", and my personal rave, "Little Animal". A lot of the songs sure sound the same, but who cares? If you get to hear the same 3-minute gem over and over, that still constitutes a rockin' good time. Check the Rock n' Roll Handbook... it's in there.

You can spell
"food" w/out Foo.
And I'm pleased to announce that I am finally in love with someone over the age of 18. Who? Sharin Foo. No, she's not part of the Foo Tang Clan/Foo Fighters, or owner of Ruby Foo's, or even Stephen a foosball champion, but just one super-crazy-dope-fly Danish girl. I wish she was an apple strudel danish so I could lick her sweet sugary outisde and taste her gooey insides. Sorry you had to read that, but she's so f-in smoking. I was so hot after Mean Girls that I had to take cold shower, and after Foo-Schniker melted my heart and raised my flag, I had to have an ice bath like Tim Robbins in Jacob's Ladder. Catch them if they come to yo city. It's worth it. And be sure to bring a change of underwear.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

The Votes Are In

Which one of these 4 never got laid? Hint: he wears glasses and
isn't made out of metal
After months of constant campaigning, we finally have a winner in the first ever Thighs Wide Shut poll. The question, for those of you foolios who dared not to vote: Which TV Show Should Get the Big Screen Treatment?

Results and Insults
5. Just the Ten of Us - 3 votes
4. What's Happening? - 4 votes
3. Scarecrow and Mrs. King - 6 votes
2. Small Wonder - 10 votes

and the winner, as pick by you and pretty much this guy

Riptide - 41 votes!!!

Take notice Hollywood

The nia peoples demand

Riptide: The Movie!!

Even with 10 votes, they still
should make a movie out of this

They can even hire the same actors.
I'm sure they're not too busy.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Friday, May 7

Trailer Park Life

Before I can review the LL rock-a-thon known as Mean Girls, I have to tell you all about the spate of horrid movie previews my eyes peeped. Along with Brad Pitt's un-credible Troy accent and Spidey 2's shady FX, It's going to be a long f-in summer.

- Box office queen, LL need not worry about 2nd-rate tweenster Hillary Muf. Why? Cause it looks like Lizzie Whorebag takes all the scripts Ms. Lohan turns down. Peepage the trailer to A Cinderella Story. What the fudge is that crap all about? And since Hillllary Muffff is such a LL wannabe, they even recruited Chad Michael Murray who was LL's love interest in Freaky Friday. So f-in Beck. But bee leavea you me, if LL was in this, I'd be camping out for it right now.

- Sleepover: I don't know who the target audience for this shitpic is, but I'll assume it's blind people or complete morons like Claus, who knows only what he reads in the New York Post.

- Guy Pearce probably had short-term memory when he signed on to a movie about two baby tigers who grow up to be big tigers, called something like Simmba and Dikembe Mutmbo: Two Brothers. This is a perfect movie to take kids to or if you want to get real laid.

- Finally, I couldn't find the extended new version of the The Stepford Wives the trailer, but do not seek it out! It ruins the whole f-in the movie. And who was the mastermind that thought casting Bette Midler was a good idea? Just rent the original, OK?

Btw, when are we going to see a Mischa Barton movie? I want to have a Boston Tea Bagging party near the region of her head.

Please to Mischa, Hope you guess my name!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Long Awaited Coachella Pics

OK, there are only two for now, but every journey begins with one small step for ape-kind and one giant heap of shit car (sentence not supposed to make sense). Pics provided by the ever lovely Megbot!

Three matches made in heaven:
chicken, waffles, and my former mustache

Spotting the Cutters guy was more eggsalad
than seeing Joan of Joan of Arcadia
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

You Better Not Be
Wearing Pants Today

Why?
Cause today, May 7th is
NO PANTS DAY!!!

Good thing I lost my pants last night when I was watching LL rock it in Mean Girls. Full review will be posted this weekend. My a$$ overslept today and I need 17 full hours to review the masterpiece. Thanks to My Man Marvkus for the no-pants reminder.

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Poster Child

Is this the best movie poster of all time?

The Brits seem to think so.

It's mos def one of the breastest movies of all time pho sho.

And what the fudge is this below?
So f-in Beck.

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Save The Date

Know what May 15th is? Masturbate-A-Thon 2004. I support any event where meat or abusing one's meat is the driving force. Please don't bother me while I'm in the "special room" cause I'll have plenty on my mind... namely Lindsay Lohan (much more on here later) and new love of my life, Mischa Barton. Link via Chillary G.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Thursday, May 6

Naming Rights
Naming Wrongs

Save the laughing gas doc, your names are enuff to knock me out:

Gynecologist, Dr Richard Kuntz

Sex changer, Dr Alter
Three reasons to actually attend class:

Prof Erich Wanker

Prof André L Tits

Prof Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck

Prof Tits, a complete boob
Props de Leon to Tim "Fucker" Altie and Popbitch for the linkage.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Coachella
Hellz Yealla
So Much To Tella
Lets Spread On The Nutella
Part II

Where did we leave off? Oh yeah, I was balls tired and passed out with a belly full of In-N-Out Burgers. And away we gogh gogh!

Saturday May 1st

Don’t you just love vacation? All you end up doing is waking up earlier than you normally would, you spend a shitload of money, and you’re always running around, never relaxing. Nonetheless, this is Coachella time, and mees gots to get my groove on.

The cigarette that's
for ghetto hipsters
Woke up round 8 am, walked outside to smoke a chub and to check the weather. How is my cigarette already lit without me lighting it? Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s 123782183 degrees and it’s only 8 AM!!! It tasted like burning. With the liz-adies asleep, me hit the road and picked up some water, a $28.99 carton of Parliament Menthol Lights and some water. What’s that smell? O lord, I’m not getting swamp ass already, am I? Got my first useless "What's Up Coachella" text message. It told me it was going to be hot, that I should drink a lot of water and wear sun tan lotion. Jeez. If I wanted motherly advice, I would have called mumsy. Any-haze, the gals finally woke up, took 14 hours to get ready, cause they girls, and we wiz ready to rock steady.

Wees stopped at some dumpy-ass place that served cheap breakfast. This eating establishment was right out of David Lynch’s head. It also doubled as a Budget moving store. There was mad people up in that bitch and the only people working was the cook, one sloppy waitress, and some sweaty-ass dude who kept forgetting to get me OJ and the check. Although there were mad flies abound, the food was top notch. Top notch as in it sure beats starving! Off to the show.

Richie and Julia Gulia can't decide whether to czech out Howie Day or Erase Errata
Quick background: The event is called Coachella, which is the name of a town, but the event actually takes place in Indio (also the name of Robert Downey Jr’s child). It’s held at the Empire Polo Field, which is where they filmed the polo scene in Pretty Woman and one very special episode of 90210 that I can’t quite remember too well. This is Coachella’s 5th year and my second tour of duty. I went to 2002’s shebang, which included Bjork, Oasis, The Strokes, The Chem Bros, Charlatans UK, and Jurassic 5. There are two outdoor stages, 3 tents, a film festival, strange bikes you can ride, shit to buy, and every food imaginable (plenty more on that later). This is the closest thang to the original Woodstock for us hipsterinos, but it’s staged every year… and they keep topping themselves with the f-in lineup. This aint no Warped Tour, no OzzFest, no Limp Biszkskit poop-a-thon, and this isn’t your daddy’s Jim Croce concert. This is fucking Coachella. Hellz yella.

After taking some ghetto-back ways to avoid traffic, we arrived in the grassy parking lot. 3 lots and one smelly ass horse stable later, we arrived at the gates. This was it, the moment I’ve been anally preparing for since January. Soon as we got in we had to use the port-a-potties. The show barely started and the toilets in a box reeked worse than microwaving fish. Hot rotting poo aside, it’s time to f-in riz-ock.

The Sounds were the first band we peeped. And lemme tell you, the sounds of the Sounds sounded great. They played their three breast songs, “Seven Days A Week”, “Dance With Me”, and “Living In America.” Then it was off to watch 2 seconds each of The Sahara Hotnights, The Evens, and 5-time Coachella alumnus, Peretz (aka Perry Farrrrelll). After that we were stilled by the sounds of The Stills. I didn’t know much about em, but still, they put on a decent enuff show to watch most of their set. Still-rific!

"Joyous"? More like BOOOOORING
Beck was up next in the tiniest of all the 5 stages. We knew there would be a crowd so we made camp as all the hipsters with the ironic tee-shirts began to fill up our surroundings. It all started off fine with “Cold Brains”, but it went straight down the toilet like a goldfish from there. He started playing boring-ass music and putting me to sleep. He was so quiet and boring that the ghetto-blasting tunes from the “dance” music tent overshadowed him. Mees seen the Beckster before, but this was horrid. Is this what happens when you marry a Ribisi? To the heeezey. And I aint the only one who was disappointed. Uncle Grambo likened it to a, “back alley abortion of a performance.” So f-in durst.

I should have followed my heart and checked out more of Junior Senior. When we did hear em in a smelly tent, they were covering “Twist and Shout.” I felt like I was at a Bat Mitzvah and “We Are Family” was up next, so it was time to bolt. Walking around we heard the Hieroglyphics singing “Clint Eastwood”? Why? Whooops. I found out later that Del the Funky Homo (a Gorillaz member, for those of you living in a cave) joined them onstage. A few Death Cab For Cutie (by far, the lamest band name I have ever heard of) tunes later and it’s off to another smelly tent to czech out the Black Keys. Megbot used to work at an Akron record shop with Key maestro, Dan Auerbach. It’s been awhile since they’ve seen each other, so backstage humping was out of the question. Anwyho, the Black Keys f-in rock. It’s not like their sound isn’t crazy original (think White Stripes meet Led Zep blues), but its miles away butter than most of the Jimmy Eat World shit out there. By the way, wasn’t JEW supposed to be there? Maybe Beck and his lame-ass-ness scared them off.

I dare you to name one thing that's fried and covered in sugar thats awful
With a bunch of crap that I didn’t want to see, it was lets eat junk food time. Why eat a complete meal when you can eat crap. Sure they had healthy shit like fruit and hippie-vegan garbage for hippies, but I aint having it. It’s vacation and I’m packing on the pounds (sort of like any other day for me). While the liz-adies waited in the huge smoothie line, I opted for a funnel cake covered in caramel and o course, powdered sugar. As I was wolfing that down like a champ and joined the liz-adies in line, I noticed they were selling frozen chocolate covered banananananas… my Achilles heel, my kryptonite, my secret lover. Life is good, and my belly agrees!! During the break in the action, I also attempted to meet up with Uncle Grambo, ole IU pals Shady, Pfife Dawg, and Busta Hayman the II, and Lindsay Lohan via text massaging, but my cellie-cell was on the fritz lang. I guess when you pack 50K + peeps into one place, techmology breaks down. Oh well, the liz-adies are all the company I need…

Checked out kibble and bitz of Sparta as everyone awaited the most awaited band that everyone awaited to see: The Pixies. I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life. I used to rock out to Doolittle and Trompe Le Monde while I played hours of Nintendo's Dragon Warrior. I felt like everything was coming full circle. So how did they sound? PERFECT. F-in mint. And they played EVERYTHING. “Debaser” was debomb. “Here Comes Your Man” made me come on my hand. “Wave of Mutilation” was a wave of awesomenesssness. Sounded better than when I first heard it in the 2nd best Christian Slater movie of all time, Pump Up The Volume. Towards the end of the set, Megbot really had to pee and dragged me along. When I got back, I found out I missed “Where Is My Mind?” I was about to ask Megbot where is her mind for making me go with her. Oh well, there’ll be plenty of chance to hear it again when los Pixies comes to NY later this summer and winter. It’s hard to describe how a band really sounds… especially if you have a limited vocabulary, so why don’t you just download their whole Coachella set for yourself. Link via Burned By The Sun.

A qwik stop for the Rapture and DJ Laurent Garnier, and we had to scurry back to the main stage for a lil Radiohead. Me love the Radiohead, but I still don’t understand why they are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO huge in America. I’m more baffled about Coldplay, but they aint playing, so lettuce not speak of them ever again. Why is Radiohead so popular? This was their only North American stop of 2004 and it basically led to the 1st Day selling out. The set was pretty much the same as when I saw them at MSG in Rocktober. Everyone went wild when Thom Thumb and his epileptic dance style were kicking it to “Creep.” That isn’t even a good Radiohead song people. Qwik side story. I won tickets to see Belly (“Feed the Tree”) back in the early 90s. Radiohead was the opening band. Yep, the opening band for BELLY (who suffered the Rolling Stone cover curse)! I was young, dumb, and filled with foam. I was crowd surfing during “Creep” and got to touch Thom’s hand. I never did wash that hand… until that day I was trapped in a closet and had to wipe my ass with my left hand.

Mischa, let me buy you a funnel cake
After dat, there were 3 bands all on at the same time that I wanted to catch. At this point, my eyes were going to fall out of my head and I was too stoned to even spell "Agrarian Socialism." Phantom Planet played in the cursed Beck tent, so that was already 2 strikes against them. And by the time we got to the tent, we just missed “Big Brat.” Since I didn’t want to hear Mischa Barton’s O.C. theme song, it was time to pay a visit to Electric Six. That lasted about 4 seconds, and Kraftwerk ended our noche. I don’t really care for their “music”, but I do like the Flea/Peter Stormare ripoff group, Autobahn from The Big Lebowski, and for that reason alone, I had to peep them.

Day 1 in the can. A 14 mile walk in the dark back to the car. I felt like a zombie. I wish I felt like a mummy. That way I could at least sleep in a sarcophagus and live at the Met. I was covered in dirt and sweat, but I was too friggin’ tired that I couldn’t even take a shower. I think I scared the liz-adies, cause they said I passed out with my eyes open. But were my thighs wide shut?

Kwik cool sightings on the day: Joan hotness of Joan of Arcadia fame and a dude wearing a Cutters shirt. BIG UPs!!

Sorry, I didn't have the balls
to take a pic with Joan
Stay tuned for Part III where we review all of Sunday's sizzling bacon and meeting of blog minds. Sunday.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Wednesday, May 5

Sir Links A Lot

Did you know that Smokey The Bear gots himself a website? Did you know that he's also gay? Stop winking at me and put out some damn fires!!

Posters. Posters. Posters. Posters. Cool-Ass Posters.

My sister will be pleased. Her favorite product Nut Poppers, by the fine people of Planters, is all the rage.

The Charlatans (aka The Charlatans UK) are back! On May 17th TCUK release their shlong awaited follow-up to the eggsalad Wonderland (eerily released on September 11, 2001), with Up At The Lake. Shit gonna be mad ill yo!

My alter-ego, and part-time lover, Michael Palin turns a 61 today. Big UPs to Jo-Ill-nah-na for the heads up.

The picture you see here is exactly what you think it is. Some loser rich kids playing a human version of Pac Man in the Washington Square Park hiz-area. The next "game" is this Saturday, the 8th at noon. Good thing it's Mumsy's Day (for the best mumsy ever) and I'll be Cockville, MD bound and gaged.

Finally...

Friends, you suck.
I hope the modern sitcom dies with you.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Big Guns
Big Brains

Lindsay Lohan is not only a mega-superstar of hotness, but a certified genius. To hell with Clarissa, LL explains it all!

Link via Pak-man/dawg.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Coachella
Hellz Yealla
So Much To Tella
Lets Spread On The Nutella
Part I

As I write this, I’m still covered in covered in dirt, my own melted skin, the smell of hipsters, and powdered sugar from the 2 funnel cakes I ate. But worst of all, after spending two straights days in 105+ degree weather, I am without a killer tan. A lot has transpired since I last left you all. Here’s me best attempt to remember, although my brain is still on West Coast mode and my eyes are going to fall out of my head from watching so much amazingnessness stuff. Please note, all pictures will be posted at a much later date as Senor Thigh Master is too ghetto to have a digital camera…

Friday April 30th

Does masturbating in a bathroom count as initiation into the Mile High Club?
Woke up at the booty crack o’ dawn and started the longest day in my recent memory. I took the transportation of tomorrow, the AirTrain to JFK airport. Gawd deng is JFK one bunk-ass airport. Plus its so far away, I feel like I’m flying out of Siberia (the part of Russia, not the bar where you can’t cus or hit on women). On-flight entertainment: my smelly feet, NY Daily News’ two crosswords, and watching the unwatchable Paycheck (its like Total Recall with none of the fun, effects, or action, but with John Woo's doves!). Come to think of it, the AirTrain station was more futuristic than all of Paycheck. This ben-affleck-shit-pic continues my track record of never seeing a good movie on a plane. Sure I had everwood when I saw LL in Freaky Friday on the way to Jamaica this past New Year's, but I've been cursed with The Legend of Bagger Vance, Ollie Stone's shiterpiece U-Turn and the ultimate ruinerer of flights, Uptown Girls. U-Girls' script must have been written on a napkin while someone was taking a dump. However, since lil daring Dakota Fanning was in it, it was predetermined that I was going to cry at some point. I am such a loser.

Arrive at LAX. Palm trees abound. I finally satisfy my nic fit. Inhale. You’re the victim. Exhale, exhale, exhale. Off to Alamo car rental. I find out there’s no basement. Madame Ruby was wrong!!! With my liz-adies (Megbot & Curious George’s Mom) in check, it’s off for some LA daytime fun.

We meet up with ye olde palsy of mine/favorite New Iberian, Big Worm, aka DJ Worsmer, aka Wormsey (Yes, I actually do know someone named Wormser). I force him to play tour guide/MapQuest bitch as there were many a missions on the day’s tight schedule and I don’t know shit about LA’s byways and hobags. First up…

Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n Waffles

Fried chicken makes mouths happy.

I don’t know who the funk Roscoe is, but may the good lord bless him and his house of grease. Guess what’s good there? Fried chicken and/or waffles. obvs. I declined the waffles and decided to get fried chicken smothered and covered in gravy and onions (perfect gas material for long car rides with woman). With a side of buttery grits, that shit be the shiz-niz-fliz-kiz. Any trip to LA is not complete without a visit to any of Scoe’s 5 locations. Check it out. It’s so f-in MINT that it’s posted in our Places To Eat B4 U Die section.

He's the dog now man!
Then we had to meet up with Busta Hayman to see his wedding ring and take a qwik whirlwind tour of his office. Next stop on the tour was the uber-posh-spice/future residence of mine, The Sunset Marquis Hotel to pick up a ticket for Saturday’s show. Drugs were needed, so we hit a… drug store. Loaded up on some drugs, shady aviator glasses, candy, Orbit gum, smokes, and even more candy. With all these missions impossible accomplished, Big Worm lead me and the liz-adies to da Hollywood Hills. Next to Queen Latifah’s abode lived his friend and a fellow ex-Rocvilleian, Perry. Perry had a droopy dog name Bert that had inverted eyelid, but he was the coolest dog ever cause he was a Redskins fan. After some shenanigans the Coachella Crew was off to the desert for my just desserts.

You pay for what you get
After a few tiring hours of driving, we checked into the Four Seasons of ghetto, and our home for the next three nights, the Motel 6 of Palm Desert. I was a little disappointed in the room. The towels they gave us couldn’t even cover one of my thighs (wide shut). There wasn't a clock. And there were no complimentary motel staples like a pen and paper, shampoo, or tissues. I thought the 6 was supposed to be a classy motel peoples!

Makes cotton mouth
disappear in seconds
It was late, but I still wanted to eat. I always want to eat. Traveling with two girls doesn’t allow a lot of fast food eating. You take what you can get and I didn’t want to push it after forcing everyone into Roscoe’s FC and Wafs. But I had to get my burger fill. Since there was no Fatburger in sight, I had to settle for second best, In-N-Out Burger… more like burger goes in and out of your system in 4 seconds. Like my good pal Tom Bodett promised, Motel 6 left the light on for me, and now it was finally time to shut it off. I’m f-in tired. Time to get this party started.

Stay tuned for Part II where we review all of Saturday's hot ass hotness of Saturday. Saturday.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Planet of the Grapes

No questions. Just click me now and be sure to watch the whole thing. Link via Thigh Master for a weekend, Newbsy Russell.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Tuesday, May 4

Is There Anything Better Than Side Boobies?

A #1 movie in da bank (which I be seeing ASAP with lotion and tissues), hosting SNL (waiting for me on my TiVo, next to my lotion and tissues), and being loved by me (who be covered with lotion and tissues)... is there anything LL can't rock?

Dearest Uncle Grambo thought I'd "heart these Lohan photos the mostest..."

Grambo was right. These pics boastest the mostest and make me all moistest like Moises Alou.

Want a closer look?
Side Boob One
Side Boob Two
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Good Things Are
Posted In Threes

- Apparently the world is in love with Tron all over again. First there was the costumed dude with the male camel toe, and now you can play the speederbike game (ala Atari's Surround) on your computer! Link via Astralwerks's newsletter.

- Here Lex Luthor is enjoying a Minority Report bath:

Pic via Pak-Man.
- Finally, after kicking-glass and taking niz-ames at Coachella, los Pixies have decided to make my summer even better by joining the Lollapalooza bill for two shows only: July 23 - Ventura, Cali AND August 17 - New York!!!
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Don't Bring Me
A Higher Love

Wanna see Steve Winwood, Van Morrison, The Black Eyed Peas, and Macy Gray, all for free? I don't, but that shouldn't stop you!!

As a part of the 2004 Tribeca Film Festival, American Express is presenting this outdoor concert in Battery Park this Saturday, May 8th. Tickets are free and available on a first-come, first served basis. Look for the American Express street teams at the following downtown locations for your chance to pick up a pair of complimentary tickets:

Tuesday, May 4th
South Street Seaport (In front of Pier 17)
11:30AM 2:30PM

Wednesday, May 5th
J & R Music World (Park Row)
11:30AM 2:30PM

Thursday, May 6th
Battery Park (State St. & Battery Place, near Bowling Green Subway Station)
11:30AM 2:30PM
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

I
Is
Back

Folks, the wait is over. The Master of Thighs and ceremonies has recommandered control of this website. No longer will you have to read about sausages and uh, um, sausages. I'm back from the desert and I'm covered in dirt, my own melted skin, the smell of hipsters, and powdered sugar from the 2 funnel cakes I ate. So, did Coachella riz-ock or what?

Picture of me riz-ocking at Coachella
(stache-less)

But more on that when I'm actually awake and not inhaling funnel cakes...

Here's some qwik nib-zibbles-rob-dibbles to start your day:

- Who wants to "buy" this UTZ tie for me?

- The uber Russian, uber hotties, pseudo-lesbian duo, t.A.T.u. have found a new use form their acronym... fighting tobacco use.

The ladies hate smoking, although
they have smoking hot bodies

- Liam Gallagher is forming a supergroup featuring former Stone Roses' guitarist John Squire and George Harrison's son Dhani. Here's an artists rendering of what the "supergroup" will look like:

Looks familiar. Sounds familiar.

- Maybe you've seen all of these, but just another reason why we shouldn't have gone to Iraq. Sometimes it shameful to be an American. Link via The Zach Attack.

We're the US of Assholes

Its good to be back. Full scizzle-scoop on the hiz, the whiz, and the shiz, that was COACHELLA 2004 to be posted sooon!!

Big ups to Danny Boy for taking care of the shoppee whilst I was away. You are now excommunicated from this site and exiled to the isle Elba.
# flazzumed by Thigh Master | |

Monday, May 3

What Did I Learn?

Being in control of Mike's blog has sure taught me a few things:

- Keeping a professional looking blog takes a lot of work! A lot of work that I am not willing to do.

- Because it takes so much work, perhaps Mike really does need to cock blog me on occasion. After all, the New York Times does not stop the presses just because I want to snuggle. They should, but they don't.

- I am not angry enough at Mike to put his sausages in my bum. I still put them up there, but I only did it because it felt so right.

- Sausages feel great in your bum!

- When you buy Mike replacement sausages, remember that his other sausages were "Sweet" Italians, and not "Spicy" Italians.

- Do not put Mike's replacement sausages in your bum, unless you followed the above lesson. I did not, and therefore I am in severe severe pain.

- Live as if it is your last day, love as if it is your first time, dance as if there is nobody watching.

- DANCE DANCE DANCE!

- Make sure nobody is watching when you dance.

- If you plan to sell used sausages on eBay, be prepared to receive strange correspondence from perverts.

- Do not agree to meet in a bathroom in Chelsea any of the people who corresponded with you about your bum sausages.

- There are no dumb questions, only dumb questioners.

- Jesus is the way, the light, the lord of all things.

- Actually, maybe Allah is better.

- No, sticking with Jesus.

- I am not afraid to cry in front of my boss.

- Don't put cockroaches on your cock. It is false advertising.

- Mike is a racist.

- I have no "spine".

- Bleep.

- Bep.

- Peace out dizzle snizzle!
# flazzumed by Dan | |

Sunday, May 2

All Good Things Die

Words

Well, this looks to be the end of this grand experiment, as I only have two minutes left on my self imposed lazyness qouta of twenty minutes to spend on mike blogs.

So hizzo is one more phat link.

A german training video.

I haven't watched it, but it is supposedly very funny. Shizzdiggog.

Germans do not like the Juden.
# flazzumed by Dan | |

Saturday, May 1

Eat At Mike's Suggestions!

Words

I ate at that Mamie's spoonbread place because I am down with the hood. And you know what? For a full time cock blogger this kid knows some good restaurants. Check them out yizzle doozle doodledoododleeyoz!

WORDS
# flazzumed by Dan | |